Date: Mon, 12 Oct 2015 06:31:31 +1100
From: maxwell dowling <maxieplus@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Deepest Cut 2

The Deepest Cut 2

Sunday was the longest day I have ever had, after doing the cleaning I sat
at the kitchen table just waiting for nightfall. Six hours to go and I
needed to be busy so I threw some shorts on and started a run, that should
take up two hours. Up around the park through the main street shopping
center then up past the hospital where I stopped to catch my breath. I
leaned back and stretched, there was someone familiar across the road, I
blinked, it was Jay and he was standing at the bus stop and looking my
way. I waved but he ignored me then stepped onto the bus, he looked the
other way. Fucked if I know what's going on there, I think he saw me but
maybe not.

I was so nervous when I got to the venue, I ordered a drink and sat on the
stage as I was a little early, the boys were dancing and were the same ones
as the other night, they had nothing on my guy. The lights went down and
the stage lit up then James came on in the skimpiest pair of briefs, I've
never seen the likes of them before. He must have them made, I so wanted to
know how to sew at that very moment. He was on the pole again and it rubbed
on his ass crack as he slipped up and down it, he had painted a black mask
across his eyes. I didn't realize I had let go for a moment I felt a tear
dribble down my face, but he was magnificent, so graceful, so fucking
awesome. He didn't look my way but I knew he knew I was watching, when the
applause died down I willed myself to move, almost running out to the back
alley, I waited and waited for him to exit the venue, the anticipation hurt
like hell.

He finally came out bag slung across his shoulder; he had washed the paint
off his face but still had a mask on.

"James please can we talk?"

He looked me up and down and kept walking so I ran up to him.

"I'm sorry, I used the wrong words, I apologize please can I walk you to
the station? I really am sorry." He stopped and said,

"Ben go home, I'm not what you think I am." I stood there and thought about
what he said, he knows me, he knows my real name, oh, he's moving down the
street.

"James please wait, stop, I have to talk to you." He turned once more, no
mask this time and he had taken his cap off.

"Jay, oh my God, Jay, holy fucking shit." My hands went to my head and I
walked around in circles, of course he's Jay, fuck me. I became aware that
I was alone, he had gone like the Black Knight, he just disappeared.

Fucking hell, bloody hell Jay, this is so awesome. I ran swiftly to the
station but he wasn't there, he had gone. I walked up and down until I had
to sit down, my legs hammered the concrete as I looked across to the other
deserted platform.

`Are you stalking me?" I jumped; he was standing not more than ten feet
away behind a pylon.

"Jay I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you."

"So you want to fuck James but not me?"

"No I want to fuck you, no stop that. I just want to get to know you,
please can we start again?"

"I don't fuck." It was a statement I had heard him say before but maybe,
just maybe he might at least be my friend.

"Good because I would rather us date first."

"I don't date guys."

It dawned on me, he's straight, the guy at the bar had told me he thought
he was straight. My head dropped and my heart sank again some tears leaked
from my eyes.

"I'm sorry Jay I didn't think. I thought because you danced so beautifully
you were gay, sorry I assumed too much." I felt my face blush.

"Why are you crying?" By this time he had sat down on the bench next to me.

"I'm not... well... I am but oh shit I don't know maybe my heart broke a
little. Why are you dancing in a gay club?"

I wanted to know I wanted to know everything about him.

"I need the money, it pays well," he said.

"But you get good money from the club and why do you catch public transport
while I'm at it?"

"Because I need that money for something else, something really
important. I live on what I earn dancing, hence the masks, I am getting to
be well known at the club and this game of trivia I can do without."

"But why?"

"I can't tell you but why are you in the club? With your ego I thought
definitely straight. I nearly fell off that pole the other night, I hope
the guy next to you was okay." He smiled and it shone in my eyes, my heart
sank again. I could feel the heat coming off his body, more tears, I'm
hooked, I'm fucked.

"Because I'm gay and I am so desperate for someone in my life I went
there. I had a boyfriend but he left after a few years and I am so lonely
but when I saw you dance some of my hurt went away. I wanted you so
badly. I'm sorry I'm usually not a rude prick, it's just for show, normally
I'm just a regular guy who likes guys."

"Oh that explains it then, well my trains coming have a good night. Why
don't you go back to the club and pick up a fuck for the night?" I was
horrified at his suggestion so I just said,

"No I won't go back there again. There's nothing there for me, goodnight
Jay, see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight Ben, be safe."

He walked to the edge of the platform with his jeans so tight and then he
turned to me.

"If I did fuck Ben I would fuck with you no question." He smiled.

I tried to smile back and as he alighted the train my tears began
flowing. I don't know how long I sat there for but it was long after the
last train left and then I slowly walked home, bawling like a lost kid.

I crawled into bed with an obsession I had to lose for the sake of my
sanity. I had no problem at all that Jay knew I was gay, he won't spread it
around the club, I know he just won't, he's that type of man. I assume too
much; maybe he's a prick like some of the others. Sleep came easy because
there was nothing more to think about, my beautiful dancer James gone into
the archives of my mind and Jay will haunt me at the club at every turn.

Today was photo shoot day and we all dressed in our club uniforms to have a
team photo taken on the oval. I saw Jay come in and look my way but he
ignored me. I nodded but that was it, that was all, the photographer took
quite a few photos and then he pulled Jay out to have some single shots
done of him for the club website. I think he's now officially one of the
senior players. He was special my Jay, I should really try to get to know
him better but I hurt, I hurt all the time and I don't need to add to it. I
went and showered, the water was hot and I leant my forehead on the cool
tiles and just stood there for a moment, I only needed a moment then I was
back to me again.

I was sort of listening to the guys in the other cubicles and they were
talking about Jay and said something about the piece about him in the paper
this morning. He was gone when I exited the clubrooms but I noticed John
had someone in his car with him and Jay wasn't at the bus stop. I don't buy
papers but I will today, I didn't know which one so I bought all three.

Sitting on my small balcony I flipped through the sports section while I
sipped my coffee but there was nothing about him anywhere so I started
looking at each page and still came up with nothing. Putting the papers
aside I thought they might have meant the Sydney papers but I wasn't going
to the shops again.

A thought came to my brain as I looked at the entertainment section lift
out. I opened it and there he was in his tights and tank doing some sort of
pose for the camera, it was a small piece that said, 'Rising star to appear
in William Alexander's production of Billy Elliott.' It went on to say,
'Aspiring Melbourne football player Jay Denver to appear in the Little
Light Theatre's production of Billy Elliott starting next month. We expect
big things from this dancer on stage after his successful season with the
theatre's production of Mack and Mable where he blew the audience away with
his solo dance. How he combines his football duties with the company only
he knows but this reporter says he is awesome with both hats on.'

I was stunned and wanted to know more about this fantasy boy so I flipped
the switch on my laptop and did a search. He was mentioned on a few sites;
mainly football ones but something interesting that caught my eye again was
a write up by one newshound about him.

Titled, 'Rising star in fatal accident.'

It said, 'Local football identity Jay Denver last night was airlifted to
hospital along with a friend to the Alfred hospital after a fatal accident
on the Monash freeway. Denver suffered minor cuts and scrapes and was
released shortly after treatment for his injuries. His driver who I believe
is his best friend is still in a coma and is not expected to survive, he
has multiple injuries as a result of taking the full force of the
impact. The driver of the other car died at the scene. Police say that the
driver swerved to miss a dog on the busy freeway and ran head on into
Mr. Denver's car causing serious injury to the occupant.'

That was it, no more on the subject, that would explain no car but the
accident happened three months ago so surely the insurance has been paid
out but maybe there's an ongoing investigation. I can't ask Jay I have to
stay cool.

I then booked one ticket to the production of Billy Elliott, if nothing
else I will get to see him dance. I remember the movie, Pete watched it a
few times, maybe Jay is playing the adult Billy because the kid was only
young throughout the movie until the last fifteen minutes I think but
sometimes these small productions move things around, like try a different
approach, I guess I should know all this as my mum and dad are heavily
involved with the arts.

I didn't speak to Jay the following week, he seemed so distant, again I
kicked myself for being so blunt and I decided that maybe he was also a
deep thinker, something I haven't allowed myself to do in a long time. I
wanted to know if his mate survived the accident but I didn't know how to
approach the subject with him, let alone other subjects I wanted to talk
about. I figured he was a loner after he declined a few invitations to
party with the boys and by the conversation I overheard in the showers I
figured that some of the guys knew about his other career.

Game day was a big one and he managed to get the ball to me around eight
times, two of them I converted to goals but I was distracted all through
the game. I had gone to have a leak in the change room before the game and
there was Jay sitting alone on one of the benches his head in his hands, he
looked down and was not really with us. I took the bull by the horns and
said,

"What's up mate, can I help in anyway?"

"Nothing Ben just things get on top of me sometimes, it becomes
overpowering, I'm psyching myself into match mode that's all.'

"Okay mate but if there's anything I can do just holler." I stood up to go
take my leak.

"Ben, can I talk to you sometime I think I really need to, it's okay if you
don't want to but I need to tell you something."

"Sure buddy anytime, when is a good time?"

"No time is a good time, can you come to the venue tonight?"

"Of course I can, I didn't think you wanted me there so I've stayed away
but sure I can come." My heart skipped a beat.

"Okay I will see you around ten and Ben I like you being there, I feel
safer. I have missed you this past week."

He got up and walked out to the change rooms leaving me standing there with
a stunned look on my face.

The game was lost by a few points, my fuck up and my responsibility but I
wasn't the only one having an off day, the others were all over the place
and the opposing team ran rings around us, we are going to get a brow
beating after this game, more shit to deal with.

The tickets to Jay's concert had arrived and I scored third from the front,
maybe they recognized my name, maybe not but it afforded me special
treatment wherever I went.

And tonight I get to see him dance just for me, well that's the way I see
it anyway.

I was early and pumped to see him do his grind, and had brought along my
car I ordered a cola, the barman recognized me and word slowly got out that
Ben Chambers was in the house so I pulled my cap down further. There were
so many guys looking at me that it was scary and scarier when they hit on
me. I decided that this wasn't the way to go, I was here to see Jay,
luckily the music died down and he came on stage. He had the tights on
tonight and went through a routine that only a strict dancer would know how
to do, it was awesome and he didn't lose the tights tonight, he just
showcased his dancing. He saw me in my usual spot and smiled, his mask was
the painted stripe again and he was beautiful.

Halfway through his routine a good looking guy handed me a drink, I was
polite and put it on the stage next to me but I didn't drink it and I
didn't get into a conversation with him either. Jay was on stage and he was
dancing just for me. The guy had left my side when it finished so I made my
way out the front, my ass black and blue from being pinched again, why do
idiots do that? I would much rather rub my hand over a nice ass pinching
gets you nothing.

Waiting by the back door I glimpsed him moving in that dull lighting, I
fell in love again and I wanted to know him so badly, I nearly hugged him
but held off because if I did my hands would be all over that ass.

"What a fantastic routine tonight Jay, everyone was gob smacked including
me, it was awesome you do have some talent kid." I blushed maybe I went
overboard cause he said nothing.

"Walk me to my train."

"I can drive you home, I brought the car tonight."

"Okay that would be great, it's only a few stations. I should run but I'm
so stuffed after performing so the train is a better option." He smiled at
me again.

I could smell his sweat, it was sweet but licking it off his body wasn't an
option but I so wanted to do that. After a ten-minute drive I pulled into
an apartment complex, he hadn't said a word on the way except for
directions.

"Can I ask you something Ben?"

"Sure you can Jay, anything." My heart skipped.

"Will you come with me to the Alfred hospital on Tuesday and drive me home,
there's something I need to do and I don't think I will be able to cope
with the buses and trains?" He was being very mysterious but I said of
course I would, no argument.

"What's this about Jay?"

"I have a friend in there and they are turning off his life support
Tuesday, there's nothing else they can do for him, I just need someone
there for support I think I'm going to need it." I saw tears.

"Oh Jay the accident, how awful for you both, that's just terrible, of
course I will be there with you, of course, what do you need me to do?"
Tears formed in my eyes but they were running down Jay's face when he
looked at me and said,

"Please Ben, just be there. Could you pick me up here around nine and thank
you?" He opened the car and as if he had an afterthought he leaned over and
kissed my cheek.

I drove home thinking about Tuesday, he's going to need all the support he
can get and I am going to be the one to do it. Apart from the fact I am
already head over heels in love with him no one should go through a thing
like this alone and it doesn't matter if he wants me for an hour or a year,
I will help.

When I had time I thought I would go and talk to the coach to maybe try and
ease Jay's workload next week but I changed my mind because I really felt
it's Jay's business not the coaches, not mine, this is so private.

The next few days the club had us training flat out, it was our punishment
for losing the game, we were all treated as rookies and my legs were so
sore after the first night. I soaked in the bath for ages when I got home,
even falling asleep and waking to a cold tub. I didn't rub one out that
night because I was too stuffed.

I picked him up at nine on Tuesday and he was already waiting out the front
of his flat. I could see his red eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept
all night, opening the door for him I got him belted up then went and sat
in the drivers seat, I looked over at him and said,

"Are you sure you want to be there Jay?"

"Yes Ben, I have to be there for him there's no one else. I don't want to
do this but I have to. I have to hold his hand and I have to say goodbye.

I wish I didn't have to do any of that but they are waiting for his organs,
at least six other people will benefit from his death but Ben I don't want
him to die. I want him to wake up and smile at me again." He was weeping
into the jacket he was holding and it was muffling his voice so that he
sounded like a frightened little kid and he shook. He shook so much the car
gently rocked, a deep guttural sobbing.

I pulled him over and stroked his hair and he cried into my shoulder.

"Cry it all out baby, we are early so get it out before we go, everything
is going to be all right. There will be no more pain Jay, his pain will
leave, focus on the good times mate, just focus on the future because
there's nothing you can do about the past, it's out of your hands," I
whispered all this into his ear as he sobbed.

"He died in the accident, a machine has kept him alive Ben, and he died
nearly four months ago. I should be well and truly over it but it hurts
more than ever. Justin was a beautiful man and I don't want him to go away,
I want him here with me." He started to wipe his eyes with his hands so I
reached over to the back floor and grabbed a box of tissues; he took a
handful and cleaned his nose and face.

"Oh God Ben I'm a mess, this is so fucking hard, I'm sorry I dragged you
into it but I didn't think I would react like this. I am sorry, just drop
me off cause I can go it alone, I think the worst of it is over." He
sniffled.

"Yeah right like I would abandon you today Jay, not happening mate."

I started the car and began the journey to the hospital, I felt so fucking
useless and I also felt disgusted with myself after all Pete only left
me. If I tried really hard I could see him again, poor Jay can't ever talk
to his mate let alone see him again. Step up Ben, step up to the plate, you
love him but you really don't know him, he's a body in your life but I
swear to God he's going to become my friend in the future and I am never
going out of his life no matter what he throws at me.

As expected there was no one around the little waiting room as I paced back
and forth waiting for Jay, he could take as long as he liked with Justin, I
will wait for that beautiful boy to re-appear and hopefully try to heal his
heartbreak. He was in there for an hour and when he re-appeared he had a
small bag of Justin's property in his hand. He was a mess and he cried on
my shoulder for ages. I held him near and let him go for it, there was
nothing more I could do for him except be there.

Pulling himself together he smiled at me and said,

"Thank you Ben, thank you for driving me and thank you for being here, as
you can see I couldn't do this on my own and you're the closest thing to a
friend I have so thank you."

"Well I am glad you asked me to be here, it's a terrible thing to have to
go through this on your own and thank you for asking me. I couldn't think
of a better place to be."

I steered him to a lounge seat and we sat down, he pulled more tissues out
of a box that was on the table.

"Six people will go on living full and healthy lives because of Justin's
death, I am so proud of him. He became a donor after his mum's death two
years ago."

"That's a wonderful thing to do Jay, is he going to be cremated?"

"Yes Ben, the funeral home will ring me when he's ready to come home then I
have to scatter them in a place of my choosing." His head bowed.

"All right Jay, do you want a coffee or do you want to go home?"

"Home I think, I will make us coffee there, sorry Ben do you have to be
anywhere?"

"No Jay and coffee at your place would be just fine."

We strolled down to the car and he had quieted down a bit but looked very
reflective and once every now and then I would hear a deep sob. The drive
home once again was quiet, we pulled into his parking bay and he led me to
his apartment. It was a pretty similar setup to mine but smaller, hardly
any furniture just a big room and the walls were filled with the most
beautiful photographs of Jay dancing, I breathed out at the pure beauty of
them. Of course I couldn't say anything but Jay was just gorgeous in those
poses. I wanted one for my wall and while he was in the bathroom I took my
phone out and snapped a couple of them, hopefully I can get at least one of
them copied.

"Justin did them for me, he was a photographer." Jay had moved into the
room.

"They are absolutely brilliant Jay, you are fucking stunning and he
captured your essence perfectly." He moved over to a sideboard and opened
the drawer then handed me two photographs.

"My thanks for driving me today."

They were copies of the ones I just snapped.

"Thank you Jay, thank you." I carefully put them into my backpack.

"Now coffee." He moved to the small kitchen while I looked at the photos on
the other wall, I am guessing that's Justin he's a babe. I moved to a small
group and that's when my tears arrived, that deep stab in the heart that
emptiness came back with a vengeance. The photos were of a wedding, Justin
and Jay's. They looked the perfect couple and the one where they were
kissing helped that knife move deeper, I didn't know and he lied to me. I
moved away from the wall and tried to pull myself together, Jay came to me
and put his hand on my shoulder then he said very quietly,

"Ben please listen to me. I don't fuck because it's crass, I make love, and
I don't date guys Ben, Justin was my life. I don't cheat, period."

"So you are gay?"

"Yes Ben but you didn't ask me that, you just told me you wanted to fuck me
and as I just said I don't fuck. Now wipe your eyes and let's have coffee."
I understood after the realization hit me he had just watched the love of
his life, his husband die basically in his arms. I'm just a selfish prick
wanting him for myself, a total insensitive prick.

"I'm sorry Jay, I didn't know. I'm so insensitive at times; of course
Justin was your man. I can only imagine what you are feeling inside at the
moment." I dropped my head in shame.

"Ben it's okay, I have had four months warning to get to today. I loved him
with all my heart and he loved me but this terrible accident has changed my
world and I sometimes think there's much happiness to be had in the future
as you said, but not now, the sadness has to come first."

I hardly said anything as we sat at his table. I didn't have to, he was
just as upset as me but for different reasons, this is nearly killing him
inside and all I wanted to do was fuck him, I felt so low.

"Jay can I ask you something?"

"Yes Ben."

"I am guessing you had a car, was it insured?"

"Ben, yes we had a car and it was insured but they won't pay it out to me
as it was in Justin's name. I just haven't had the time or inclination to
fight with the insurance company." He sighed.

"I will try again tomorrow but there are more important things in my life."
He stood up and went into his bedroom and when he returned he had a pair of
dance sweats on, he pushed the sofa aside and said,

"Do you mind, just for a few minutes."

"No Jay of course not."

He put on a CD and assumed his position, his dance was slow, sad and heart
wrenching, it went with the down beat music perfectly, he was perfect. A
lone figure with tears dripping down his face, he was in his own little
world, my sorrow matched his and when the music stopped he stood posed then
turned the music down. He came back and took my hand.

"Ben if I was single I would be with you in a moment. I think you're not as
hard core as you make out because I see the softness in you every time I
look in your beautiful eyes. Justin got me back into dancing three years
ago. I had danced all my younger life but had given it up until I met him,
he worked hard to pay for my lessons and I concentrated on my football and
my dancing. If you look at them as one they are very similar. I have
watched how graceful you are when you kick goals you have the graceful gene
in you. I have done some amateur theatre and the show in three weeks is the
biggest one yet." He lifted my hand and kissed it.

"Dancing in the club gives me a different experience with crowds and each
dance you have seen I do in Billy Elliott so I am rehearsing when I am on
stage there. I will give it up in a few months when my agent negotiates my
wages with the club but in the meantime I need it to live. Justin's job was
good to him, he paid the rent here and he paid my tuition. When the
accident happened and I went through his papers he was in more debt than he
told me. I'll get more money from the show but it won't be enough for the
rent here. The car insurance will help getting that debt cleared but alas
they are pretty much against gay partnerships. The reason I am telling you
this is I have no one else to tell and I trust you to keep my secrets. I am
deep in debt otherwise I wouldn't be dancing at the club." He smiled.

"Thank you Jay, my angry moods are the result of being dumped by someone I
loved. I tried so hard to please him for so long but it wasn't enough, he's
now with someone who will break his heart and I can't help him because I
can't find him. Until you came along I was a shell but boy when I saw you
dance that first night I thought all my dreams had come true. I'm sorry I
used those words but I was horny and angry but not with you, never you." I
pushed his hair out of his eyes, they were green and so sad.

"What's next Jay?"

"I don't know, I'm club dancing this week and have a mean schedule at the
theatre and there's training but I will get it done." He sort of smiled.

"Well let me take care of the insurance company. I will get my accountant
onto it first thing then we can talk about how we get you out of the shit
with the bills. This is only a suggestion Jay but if it does get too much
you maybe could move in with me. I own my place so there's no rent but I
get that you might want to stay here."

"Thank you Ben but I'm not ready to move on just yet but if you could do
the insurance I will be forever grateful. With all that's been going on I
just can't get my head around it. I am sick to death of arguing with people
on the phone."

"It's okay Jay, just try to heal yourself and we can talk some more
tomorrow, do you want me to stay the night?"

"No Ben, I think I want some time on my own but from the bottom of my heart
I humbly thank you."

"Okay I will be going then. I've got a radio interview to do in the
morning, and I will see you at training." I kissed his hand. He collected
what he had on the car insurance and I put them in my pack with two
precious photos.

He showed me out and kissed my cheek then closed the door. I leant on the
wall clutching my heart and when I heard the music I knew he was dancing
for his lost lover and I knew I was dead cold again. I waited until the
music finished then I heard his sobbing, rubbing the tears from my face I
went down to my car.