Date: Sun, 21 Feb 2016 17:20:05 +0000 (UTC)
From: Walter King <edmundb45@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: A BROKEN MAN

   I was chatting to a guy at the gym. It was a bad day, but Ididn't seem
to be having too may good days.

   `So what's thetrouble?'

   `I don't know. I'mjust depressed most of the time.'

   `You want acoffee?'

   It was unusual fora gym buddie to take things beyond the gym, but I felt
a huge surge ofgratitude towards this guy – whose name I didn't even
know. I wanted help. Ineeded to talk to someone and to sort something out.


   We went to thenearby Starbucks. It was big and empty – just as I like
it. I talked. My wife'snot well. I do everything for her. I don't begrudge
her. She's been a wonderfulwife and I owe her. And then there's the
grandchildren. We try to help out, butthey're young, energetic and
exhausting. As I continued, I hated what I soundedlike. Many guys would
give their eye teeth for what I had. A wife and a familythat meant the
world to me. And yet there was an emptiness inside me that Icouldn't
understand.

   `You need taking inhand, guy', my friend said. `Like every man, you need
discipline andaccountability. When a man doesn't get it, he gets listless,
however good therest of his life is. Ever thought of a service contract?'

   I didn't know whathe was talking about. Slave contracts I knew
about. Slavery was getting big inthis country, ever since it had been
reintroduced. Low skilled, low incomepeople were increasingly signing slave
contracts to give themselves somesecurity, and to guarantee a roof over
their heads and food in their mouths.But I didn't fit into this category.

   `What happens isthat a guy like you signs a contract with a reputable
company. You undertake tobe trained and, at the end of the training period,
to make your self availablefor some kind of service in the community for so
many sessions a month – to beagreed.'

   `It sounds good,' Isaid. `I would like to do something useful – and
to have some kind of focus -outside the home.'

   `Here are the details.'He handed me a card. It said "Rendell & Poole:
Service in the Community".The office was in Covent Garden. `Let me know how
you get on.'



   I rang the numberand arranged an appointment for the following day. The
guy on the phone soundedpleasant. It seemed worth trying.

  The offices weresmart. I went trough the glass doors and up to the
reception desk where a youngman sat. He was well-turned out,
educated-looking and smiling.

   `How can I help youSir?'

   `My name's Sterne.I have an appointment for 10 am.'

   `Certainly, Sir.Please take a seat. Would you like some coffee'

   I thanked him andsat down. I picked up one of the glossy magazines on
the table and enjoyed thevery good coffee he brought me. There was no one
else in the vestibule. Ididn't have to wait long. The young man called
across to me.

   `Mr Green will seeyou straightaway, Sir. Please take your coffee and go
through those doors. Youwill see his office on the left.

   Mr Green was ayoung man of about thirty, smartly dressed and pleasant
looking. His office wascomfortably furnished. Rendell & Poole were
obviously doing well.

   `Good morning, MrSterne. Please take a seat. How can we help you?'

   `I was recommendedto you by a friend. He thought that I could do with
getting out a bit more andmaking myself useful. He recommended you.'

   It sounded a bitlame, but I was unsure of myself. I didn't really know
what I was asking for.However, the young man seemed relaxed.

   `That's what we'rehere for, Sir. We are about service. We strongly
believe that men flourish whenthey are committed to service. Our company
was set up to give them all thesupport they need, and I have to say that,
after a short while, our people aremore fulfilled and content than ever
before in their lives.'

   `I don't quite knowwhat I would be good for. I'm a bit old and not much
use to anyone.'

   `Everyone can be ofuse. It's just a matter of matching the person to the
client. And on your side,it's a question of wanting to be of service.'

   `I certainly dowant that,' I replied.

   `Good!  Right, so let's get some details down.'

   The process didn'ttake long. At the end of it, Mr Green sat back in his
chair.

  `I think thatinitially you are likely to be required for simple
companionship.  A number of elderly people value someonecoming round to
spend time with them. Occasionally we get people from abroadwho would like
a companion to go with them as they explore the city. We'll offeryou some
initial training – three afternoons over three weeks - and then seehow
it goes. Out of pocket expenses are payable.'


  It all seemed to begoing well. I might meet some interesting people and,
in any case, I would bedoing something useful. The training was pretty
simple. A lot of stuff on thedos and don'ts of dealing with vulnerable
adults. Special care needed to betaken with early stage dementia. One needs
to recognize the signs and know howto respond. I was looking forward to my
first assignment, which came quitequickly. I was to meet an elderly
American gentleman who was staying at theRitz. He wanted a companion for
the day.

   `Mr Green thoughtyou'd be the man for the job. It needs to be someone
who can walk into the Ritzwith some confidence and know how to behave',
said his secretary.

   I was mildlyflattered, though I had only been in the Ritz – for lunch
with a friend –some thirty years ago. It was a hot day and I took my
jacket off. Very quicklyI had been told – politely – to put it on
again. I wouldn't make the samemistake this time.


   I went off to the Ritz in good time and askedfor my client, Mr Schmidt,
at the reception. The man there rang through to hisroom, and I sat down. It
was a while before Mr Schmidt came down. He went toreception and I was
pointed out to him. He looked a pleasant old gentleman,maybe around eighty
years old. He ordered some coffee and we chatted. Isuggested that we go
over to the Royal Academy at some stage, and maybe had abrowse in
Hatchards. I didn't want to tire him. If the weather held up, wemight go
and sit in Green Park.

   It all went well.We had an excellent lunch at the Ritz and I said
goodbye after we had enjoyed acup of tea at Fortnums. I would have been
happy if all my assignments couldhave been with men like Mr Schmidt. The
others though were more mundane. Ifound myself watching the rugby with
elderly gentlemen, or taking old ladiesout in their chairs for a walk in
the park. Still, I felt I was being of useand giving pleasure – which
was what Rendell & Poole was about.


   After a couple ofmonths, Mr Greene called me into the office. He was his
usual friendly self,but looked more serious.

   `You have had someexceptional reports, Mr Sterne. Our clients seem very
satisfied with yourservices. But I now want to explore a further area with
you that is moresensitive. If you are unhappy, tell me and we will forget
about it. However, asI'm sure you're aware, older people are lonely –
physically lonely. In thepresent climate, no professional is allowed to be
affectionate with them.Touching is kept to the minimum; hugging is out of
the question. Yet this isthe one thing that lonely old people crave. I
wonder if you would be preparedto give our clients a degree of physical
comfort and relief. You would receivespecial training for this, so that the
parameters would be clear. You would notbe required to do anything with
which you would be unhappy. You would of coursereceive a fee, commensurate
with what was required of you.'

   I was startled bythis new development. I had sensed with one or two of
the clients that theywould have liked me to be more tactile, but I had
remained firmly within myboundaries, as they had been explained to me in
training. This soundeddifferent. Yet maybe in the context of the sort of
confidential service offeredby Rendell & Poole, I would be offering a
service that was badly needed.After some thought, I agreed – at least to
do the training, and to see how thingsworked out.


   The training was asbefore tailored to my age and circumstances. The
other men were all over fifty and none of them had done anythinglike this
before. We started with the business of holding hands and of puttingan arm
round a shoulder. This, we were assured, was all that most of ourclients
were looking for.  Since thedeath of their husband or wife, they had had no
one with whom to cuddle up onthe sofa We could go some way to fill that
gap. However, some of the clientsneeded more, and it was impressed on us
that we should never let our clientsfeel that their needs were in any way
wrong. Whether or not we were able toaccede to their requests, we should
treat them as perfectly acceptable. We thenwere give the option of
discontinuing the training or of going on to the nextstage. Two or three of
the men left at this point, but I stayed. I wasintrigued.

  It was a bit like asex education lesson at school, though this time in
the context of one olderperson ministering to another older person. We
discussing kissing and thegeneral technique of kissing, when there might be
dentures involved or indeedsome off-putting smells. We then went on to the
business of undressing.Generally we were advised that we should undress
first. The client would enjoywatching us and our nakedness would encourage
them to undress, if this is whatthey wanted to do. It also allowed them to
explore our bodies, before they hadto decide whether or not to let us
explore theirs.

   At this point thequestion of performance came up. Most of us thought
that we would not be ableto perform without some help, but we were assured
that a selection of aides wasavailable and we should try them out, to see
which worked best for us. However,it was impressed on us that thought our
clients might be flattered by our erectpenis, this did not necessarily mean
that they would want to touch it, muchless give us a blow job! We need to
sense at every stage what was appropriateand to take our time. Full
penetration of either the male or female client wasrarely required.

  My own sex life hadbecome non-existent. My wife's rheumatism prevented
any continuation of our sexlife and I didn't often wander. I had to admit
that I was attracted by the ideaof doing this in the context of giving help
and support to needy people – andbe paid for it.  I would be a sort of
sextherapist, which was a different thing to prostitution. Not that I was
againstprostitution. Like most people, I had done a bit of that when I was
young. Atthe end of the training sessions, I put my name down for
assignments of thiskind. I understood that more men were prepared to be
available to femaleclients and that therefore the greater need was for men
to be available formale clients. I wasn't particularly concerned with
gender and so put myselfdown for both.


    It didn't takelong for me to receive my first assignment. I was given
the name of the guy andthe address of a hotel in Bayswater. I asked for him
at the desk. They rung upand gave me the room number. He was a stocky,
Jewish-looking guy in his earlyseventies – in a bath-robe. He was not
the semi-geriatric sort of person I wasused to. I wondered why he hadn't
just rung for a whore.

  `Want a shower?'

   I took that as morea command than a request, so went into the
bathroom. I showered and put on theother bathrobe there. It seemed the best
think to do.

  `A drink?' MrKertesz didn't waste words.

   We settled down onthe sofa together. He had been watching some gay porn
and seemed happy tocontinue doing so with me there. He was stroking himself
inside his robe andafter a while he took my hand and put it inside his
robe, on his cock. Iexplored a bit. His cock was semi-hard. I began
stroking it, waiting for him tomake the next move. I didn't have to wait
long. He opened his robe, put hishand behind my head and pulled my head
towards his cock. It was hard now, notall that long, but fat and cut. I
took it in my mouth, remembering the varioushints we had been given in
training.  Iwanted to give him a good time and to get a good report. He
seemed to beenjoying himself. At least, he stayed rock hard and after a
while he pushed myhead right down. We had done deep throat in training, but
had been warned that everytime you do it can seem like the first. You need
to want to open your throat.You have to want the cock. I did want it –
not because I was turned on by theguy, but because I wanted to please
him. The Rendell & Poole motto wasgetting to me. Pleasing the client really
was becoming my priority, whateverthe client required.

   `Strip – and sit onit,' Mr Kertesz whispered in my ear.

   We had been toldalways to clean out, just in case, and we had also been
told about keeping ourholes open with the use of dildoes. Before leaving I
had cleaned out, spent some time with adildo and lubed up. I was ready and
relaxed.  I took out a codom and slipped it on him.Though I hadn't sat on a
guy's cock for years, it went into me quite easily. Iwas facing him and
slowly worked myself up and down. It felt good, and Ithought it probably
felt good to him. He wasn't giving much away. His eyes wereshut and he made
no sound, but he didn't do anything to stop me. I kept going.Seemed a long
time, but I was supporting myself on the back of the sofa andmoving
slowly. I was glad of the years in the gym that had kept my leg musclesin
trim. This sort of thing needed you to be fit.

   Then quite suddenlyhis head went back and with a moan he seemed to
come. They told us that you cannever tell when the guy's wearing a condom,
but I thought it was prettyobvious. I gradually ceased to move and felt him
slipping out of me. I got offhim, knelt down on the floor, took the condom
off his cock, slipped it in thepocket of my robe and took the flaccid cock
in my mouth. This was the Rendell& Poole way of doing things, and I waited
for further instructions. Heseemed to be asleep. Maybe he was. It was a
good sign, but no reason for me tomove.

  `Let yourself out'.He seemed to be still asleep, but this was good
enough. I went into thebathroom, hung up the robe, put the condom in the
waste bin, and dressed.As I left, I felt quite pleased with myself. My
first assignment as a therapistwas completed. I had done what the client
seemed to want of me with the minimumof fuss. I wondered whether this would
be the first of many.


  I still got thesimple companionship assignments, but there were some of
these others too. Ihave to say I was glad of them. My wife had nearly no
pension and mine wasn'tbig. We lived simply, but getting older is
expensive. The National HealthService is increasingly broken. If you want
decent treatment, you have to payfor it. Dentists, chiropodists
physiotherapists and the no longer freeprescriptions were draining our
reserves. A bit of extra cash made a realdifference to our lives.

   I was called backinto the office and had another interview with Mr
Greene.

   `I am very gratefulfor the way you have been dealing wit our clients, Mr
Sterne. They arebeginning to ask for you personally. You clearly have a
good way with them. Idon't need to beat about the bush with you. You'll
know that some people'stastes are more unusual than others. So far, your
clients have had fairlysimply needs, but some of our clients are more
demanding. You know the sort ofthing. They like to dress up, they like you
to dress up, they want role play,spanking and so on. Are you prepared to be
available for this sort of thing?You would of course be offered more
training and proper support. Our staff arealways available to talk through
the needs of a particular client and toexplain how best to satisfy them.'

   I wasn't surprisedby this development. Indeed, I had suspected that this
might be why Mr Greenehad called me back. I had already decided that, if I
was asked to go further, it would be my duty as a sex therapist to do so. I
knew how much pleasure mysimple work had given so far. I wanted now to be
able to satisfy those withmore complicated needs.

  And so I wentthrough a further course of training and learned more if the
gamut of humansexual need than I had ever guessed existed. We were assured
that our clientswere carefully vetted, that we would be issued with panic
alarms which linkeddirectly with the office, and that permanent marks and
modifications were notallowed. If bondage was involved, we would always go
in pairs. Those few monthswere times of deepening experience when I learned
as much about myself as I didabout the needs of the clients. I found that I
was able to tolerate a fairamount of pain and that I was able to enter into
quite complex role plays withconviction. In a way, I ceased to think of
myself now as a sex therapist, moreas a performer. Maybe I was always a
failed actor, and this was my opportunityto enter into a huge variety of
roles.


  When I was once morecalled into Mr Greene's office, I was not sure what
ore could be asked of me.

   `You'll know ofcourse that there is a strict ban on photography during
your sessions. However,we are constantly being asked to relax that rule and
to allow photography – andindeed filming. We have also had requests from
some reputable film companieswho specialize in films for older men. There
is quite a demand for theolder/younger scenario – and for various BDSM
plots involving older men. Howwould you feel about taking part in these?'

  I was surprised andshocked. Confidentiality had always been a paramount
consideration for me. Icould not risk my wife and family ever finding out
about this side of my life.Photography and filming had to be the line I
couldn't cross, and I told MrGreene that I must regretfully decline.

   `That is verydisappointing, Mr Sterne. We all feel that this is a
natural next step for youin your career with Rendell & Poole. These films
will only be for a nicheaudience. It is very unlikely that anyone you know
would see them and, if theydid, they might not recognize you. Even if they
did, they would certainly notwant to admit to watching them, which they
would have to do if they were tochallenge you.'

   `Even so, MrGreene, I cannot in conscience take the risk.'

   `I am sorry, MrSterne. But sadly this means that I must open another
matter with you that Iwould have preferred to leave for the time being. You
realize of course thatthe considerable specialized training that you have
received here at Rendell& Poole has not come cheap. There is a large sum
now outstanding on youraccount and I'm afraid that I must ask for immediate
settlement.'

  `But I had notrealized that I had to pay for my training.' I was
startled. Payment had neverbeen mentioned.

  `If you read troughyour contract, I think that you will find the
conditions clearly spelt out.'

   `And what is theamount that I owe?'

  `I haven't thefigures to hand, but it must be in the region of
£10,000.'

   `But I don't havethat sort of money.' I began to panic. Where in the
world would I find thatamount? Our savings were all but exhausted. We had
nothing worth selling and toraise a second mortgage would involve my wife
and how could Iexplain it to her?

   `I am sure you willbe able to find the money, Mr Sterne. People
do. Bailiffs can be unpleasant. We noneof us want that.'

   `And if I agree tothe filming, you would waive that debt, at least for
the moment?'

  `Certainly, MrSterne. Harassing you is the last thing that we want. You
have been a valuedpart of the team at Rendell & Poole and we want that
relationship tocontinue for as long as possible.'

   `And would I receivea reasonable fee?'

   `I thing the wisestthing would be for us to take it off your debt, Mr
Sterne. With high rates ofinterest, the amount increases each year rather
alarmingly and we think itwould be in your best interest to reduce it by
every means possible.'

   My world wascollapsing round my ears. It would surely only be a matter
of time before peopleI knew saw the films, and the word would get
somehow. My children andgrandchildren would hear about me. My
grandchildren's friends would invite themto watch me on line. But what
could I do? Either way meant exposure. Tocontinue to co-operate perhaps
offered some chance of continued anonymity.


  And so it went on.My first assignment under the new arrangement was at a
film studio. I was tomeet my partner over lunch and be ready for the shoot
at 1.30pm. Barry wascertainly sexy. He must have been in his late twenties,
boyish body and wellinto older men. I told me it was my first time, but he
said he could deal withthat. He was pretty experienced. His first film was
shot when he was eighteen – `or maybeI was younger, but I looked
eighteen.'

  The shooting waseasier than I expected. There was little story line. I
was lying on my back inbed and Barry appeared in my room naked. He was
indeed skilled. He took theinitiative and had me hard in no time (helped by
the Rendell & Poolepills). Lying there and watching Barry move down on my
cock and fuck himself onme was like nothing I had experienced before. I
forgot about the cameramen, whowere moving around us all the time. All I
wanted was for Barry not to stop –ever! In the end he got off me.

  `I want you to fuckme, daddy, harder than you've ever fucked any guy
before.'

  He lay on his back,pulled his legs I the air and I could see his little
hole opening and shutting– wanting me. That was it. I was in there and
giving him all I had. It didn'ttake long. He came with a whole series of
sweet little wimpers. I pulled out,as instructed, yanked off the condom and
came all over Barry's cock. He leaptup and the scene ended with him gulping
down what more he could get out of myexhausted cock. If that was filming, I
wanted more – and more of Barry. But ofcourse he was just the guy
assigned to me, and I wasn't likely to see himagain.


  The next assignmentwas different and at the end of the session I doubted
whether Icould go on.  The film crew were like theguys from `Brutal
Tops'. I was paired with two young guys who couldn't have beenout of their
teens, and their job was to give me a hard time. They obviouslyhad a list
of things they had been told to do to me, but I was told nothing. Itwas one
long hell. They had the time of their lives stamping on me, kicking
me,pissing on me and then getting me to lick it up, tying me up and beating
me andthen one of them got me to take the shit out of his arse and swallow
it. Theyended by fucking me so hard that I lost consciousness for a time.

I rang Rendell & Poole and asked them not to send me toguys like that
again, but they said that it was in my contract. They said thatthe training
staff were always ready to debrief, but I didn't want to debrief.I just
wanted to stop. Everything was so different to how it had been at
thebeginning with Mr Schmidt. Now I was sent on one brutal assignment
afteranother. My body was bruised and cut. I had to be careful that my wife
didn'tsee me naked and I stopped using the showers at the gym. I wore long
sleevedsinglets and leggings to cover up the marks. I was exhausted, and
yet theassignments kept coming in.


  I saw the guy at thegym who had first introduced me to Rendell & Poole.

  `How's it going?'

  `It's all gonehorribly wrong,' I replied.

   We went across toStarbucks and I tried to explain what had happened.

   `Don't you thinkthat you have finally become what you always were?' he
asked me. `You seem tome now what you never admitted to yourself that you
were. All this familystuff, all this respectability..  It'snot who you
are. You are a guy who was meant to be a slave. One day, you'll seethat and
ask Rendell's to enslave you. That's the only way you'll find peace.For the
moment, this is the best you can be.'

   My iphone buzzed.It was another assignment. I got up. Maybe he was
right. Maybe this was reallywho I was.