Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2003 16:51:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Waddie Greywolf <waddiebear@yahoo.com>
Subject: "Booger Red & Cowboy Chapter 13"

DISCLAIMER: WARNING!!  This is a work of homoerotic fictions written by an
adult for the purpose of entertainment for other adults.  If you are not
eighteen year of age or you have any problem with this type of literature
then this is a warning to read no further.  The author will not be held
responsible for any reason if you do.  (Codes: M/M BD/SM Gay Incest Anal
Oral)

Copyright 2003 Waddie Greywolf
Mail to: <waddiebear@yahoo.com>

==================================================================
BOOGER RED & COWBOY
By Waddie Greywolf


CHAPTER 13


"Suzanne takes you down to her place by the river.
She feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China.
And  when you start  to tell her that you have no love to give her,
she gets you on her wavelength and lets the river answer
that you've always been her lover."
L. Cohan


We left Glen Rose, and headed west.  I didn't want to take the main
highways.  I wanted to travel through the back roads and small towns of
Texas.  I was making a photo journal of County Court Houses in Texas. All
built on similar designs. Several were by the same architect. I wanted to
take the northern route to cross into New Mexico across to Arizona.  I
wanted to visit Roswell, to see for myself.

Red was amenable to anything. He was in no hurry, and seemed content to be
with me. Our first night together wasn't easy.  He wanted to make love, and
I tried.  I didn't think it was going to be too successful at first, but
old Booger still had it.  The old man must have had a voodoo woman cast a
spell over me.  There was something about him that made me forget, at least
for the moment, any beef I had with him. He started to talk dirty to me,
growling in that deep throaty voice of his, we got into it and my animal
locked into automatic, animal overdrive to wrestle with his animal.

He once again unleashed his beast upon me to ravage not only my body but my
soul as well. When we hit together, he was so far up inside me I thought
his old dick would shoot out my mouth. When I shot it felt like it was
ripping my damn guts and soul out through my dick. It took me five minutes
to regain my center of being.

"You know you still love me, Cowboy." he panted breathless to me.

"Ain't never said I didn't, Red."  I spoke resolutely.

"You haven't told me in a while." he challenged.

"Well, if you have to hear it, I love you, Red."

"Gee, thanks." he said sarcastically.

"You said you'd settle for what you could get."

"Okay, you're right, let's drop it."

I didn't push further. I made my point. Then, he wanted to talk about
it. Mainly, he wanted to shift the guilt for his actions onto me.  He told
me it was my fault he did what he did; I drove him to it.

I may be young and naive, but to tell me the first night we're back
together that it was my fault;--my fault!  Didn't seem like a sound
strategy to endear a person to you that's ready to throw you on the garbage
heap. It was definitely not well thought out.  It certainly lacked `cool.'
I was livid but I wasn't going to let my temper make me grovel in the mire
and end up exchanging accusations. I remained cool and collected.  He
begged me to give him a chance then blames me for his actions. Right!  I
started gathering my stuff together to leave.

"What are you doing, Cowboy?"

"Same's I did the last time you were an ass hole, Red.  I'm leaving."

"Why?  What's the matter?"

"You're not a stupid man, Red.  You know exactly what you said and I don't
have to put up with crap like that. It wasn't my fault. You had a choice,
you made it. It had nothing to do with me. End of conversation."

"All right, Cowboy, all right.  I apologize.  I was wrong.  Please, don't
leave me, Billy." I'd never seen Red like this before.  I thought he was
gonna' cry.

"Anymore talk like that, I'll walk out and you'll never see me
again. You've said it was your fault, you're sorry, you were a fool, yet
you have me here trying to shift your guilt onto me and think I'm fool
enough to buy it, `Oh yes, Red, you're right it was my fault.'  Bull shit!
You just can't accept the fact you fucked over me and you're ashamed.  It's
easier to shift the guilt than it is to accept the responsibility for your
actions, learn to live with it and try to do better."

"Okay, let's drop it."

"Your old standard comeback, Red?  That's your fall back position. Fine
with me, but with your attitude it isn't going to be easy for us to be
together.  I'll ride with you, sleep with you but if you push me too far
I'm gone.  There are several men out there that would never do that to me,
Red, that I could love as much as you."

"Is that a threat?"

"Oh, hell no, Red!  It goes way beyond a threat.  It's a Goddamn promise."

"Well,--I could see to it you never leave me again."

"Take your best shot, old man.  Better make damn sure the first one takes
me out `cause you won't get a second chance."

"Don't test me, slave."

"You better make damn sure you don't make the bigger mistake of challenging
me, old man.  I ain't your slave no more, Red.  You no longer have the
right to call met that. You set me free the minute you shoved your dick
into that pig.  If you think you can make me submit by intimidation and
threats then you better sit down and rethink that one, PDQ.  Besides, if
you think you have to do that to have me,---you never really gave a shit
about me to begin with. I was just a pretty trophy you could ride with to
make the other scoot bums jealous.

If you have to beat your chest and play bad ass, biker jailer, that's
pretty lame for someone of your intelligence.  You wanted it all, Red.  You
had to have a man, a slave, that wanted to serve you because of his
unconditional love for you.  You demanded it. You had it, Red.  That was
your price and I paid it because I really though you understood love and
companionship. I loved you enough to trust you.  Don't no more.

What do you think?  You're talking to some green kid that's afraid of you
or death? I've been there and back.  If you killed me, I'd be with Buck,
and you wouldn't have me nor anyone. In fact, I'm so disgusted and
disappointed with you, you'd probably be doing me a favor.  I'd be with a
man that loved me enough to give his life for me.  Hell, you can't even
keep your Goddamn dick in your pants for me.  I ain't afraid of dying, Red.
You, of all people, should know that. Besides, there's worse things in life
than dying."

"No, I don't suppose you are afraid of dying, but Goddamn it, Cowboy, when
are you gonna' start forgiving me?"

"I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't forgiven you, Red, but you can't shit
in your bed and not expect it to stink for a while.  It's not going to be
the same as it was until you try to make an effort to set this right
between us.  I told you when you called the ranch. Obviously, you didn't
hear me, or just didn't wanna' listen. Too bad, you seemed so sincere on
the phone.  I can't be sorry for you.  You never showed me any sympathy or
cut me any slack when you demanded I meet your price if I wanted you for my
Master.  I met your price and kept my word.  To bad you can't say the same.

Unless you try to meet me half way there's no way in hell I'm ever gonna'
call you my Master again. You did what you did.  If you don't try to let it
be and take each day as it comes, then we won't make it together.  I'm here
now because of the love I had for you.  What love you get from me from now
on, will depend on you and the amount of love you show me.  So far, I
haven't seen much giving or concern for me on your part, just jockeying for
position by trying to make me the villain. I ain't about to play both roles
for you, and it's absurd for you to think you might convince me to."

"Roles? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've admitted to me and others that because of your deception, your
actions, you made me a victim of your bad judgment."

"Yeah, okay! I've admitted it, so what?"

"Then a minute ago you tell me it's my fault that you went with T-bo.  If
that's true, that'ud make me the villain, wouldn't it; the bad guy?"

"Yeah, I suppose--"

"You tell me, Red, how can I be the `villain' and a `victim' at the same
time?" Red didn't respond but just grunted. "You tell me which role you
want me to play? You can't have it both ways, Red.

If you truly think it was my fault, that it was because of my actions you
stuck your dick in T-bo, then I have to hit the road because I don't want
to run the risk of making you fuck another piece of shit.  I won't be held
responsible for that. Just how stupid do you think I am, Red?  I never made
you do a damn thing you didn't wanna' do.  God gave you free will same's he
did me.  The choices you make are the difference between right or wrong;
good or bad.  On the other hand, if you tell me I was a victim of your
actions then you have to make some changes within yourself, Red, to make
sure for both our sakes it doesn't happen again."

"Well, you're right about one damn thing." he said speaking quietly. "God
as my witness, Cowboy, I never thought you'd get that upset over me
throwing a fuck into that little trollop; however, after I saw how deeply
it hurt you, the guilt of what I'd done ate me up, and now it's hard for me
to live with it. I swear to God, Billy, I didn't do it with the intention
of hurtin' you.  I just didn't think you'd care that much."  He had big
tears rolling down his face. We were quite for a long moment, then I broke
the silence to speak quietly in a resigned voice.

"Well, that's a start, Red.  Let's go to bed." I got into bed to go to
sleep.  He wanted to hold me, and I had no problem with that.  I always
enjoyed sleeping in Red's arms. It was a restless night, and I tossed and
turned even though I was tired.  His words kept haunting me.  This was not
going to be easy.

I prayed silently, "God, you're asking a lot of me here.  How can a man
change like that over night, and do something to cancel all my trust?
Buck, if you're listening ask the Big Kahuna why I have to do this,
please?" For that moment my prayer went unanswered.  Hell, God knew what he
was doing.  My biggest task was learning to do what he wanted, not to be so
damn suspicious and learn to trust him.

I wasn't afraid of Red physically or mentally.  I never felt fear that Red
might hurt me physically. He had knocked me across the room that one night
at the motel but he was angry and frustrated.  That's no excuse for
violence but I felt certain it wouldn't happen again.  He had learned a
lesson and I didn't think he wanted to test me. Red was bigger than me but
I could take him if I had to. I came back from Nam thirty pounds heavier,
buffed, and had grown to the size of my Uncle Bud.  I continued growing
until I was almost twenty-eight. Red knew I could take him but I didn't
want to try.

I loved Red.  I knew he was a proud man and proud of his physical
capabilities.  I'd seen him back off three mean ass bikers.  Of course I
was there to back him up. If I took Red down, his masculine ego couldn't
have handled it. He wouldn't be the Master I needed anymore. It would be
like I cut his balls off and tied them around my neck.  From then on,
that's all he'd see every time he looked at me, his balls hanging from my
neck.  I couldn't do that, `sides I loved to lick and clean them big balls
of his.

 My arguments frustrated the shit out a' him `cause they made sense, when
he knew his didn't.  I couldn't understand why he had to have everything
back the way it was. That's not quite true either.  I knew why.  He was a
Master and his ego told him it was his right and due to have things return
to normal.  He kept pushing. The more he'd pushed, the more I'd remind him,
he said he'd take what he could get, give him a chance.  I was giving him a
chance, what was he going to do with it?  So far he hadn't made one bit of
effort to set things right between us.

We rode together for sometime.  Days, weeks, months went by and Red wanted
to fight all the time. He wanted to jockey for position and I wouldn't.  As
far as I was concerned, there was no position to jockey for.  I refused to
play his game because I knew the outcome, either way, it was a no win
situation.  I'd walk away and refuse to argue and that would frustrate him
all the more. His standard come back when he lost an argument:

"Well, let's just drop it."

I would, but not before smiling sweetly to let him know he'd lost that
round.  The bushmen of the Kalahari have a saying for my actions, "A'bamma
molliae a'nuy oh ho."  Which freely translated means, `he who acts as a
female dog towards his brother;' however, it loses something in
translation. It has a worse connotation.

He wasn't getting things to go the way he wanted.  He wanted that trust and
closeness again that had been freely given, but Red was not willing to try
to set things straight between us by even considering doing something to
appease me.  He make no effort what so ever and it was as if my concerns
didn't matter to him.  As a Master, he felt his apology should wipe the
slate and everything should be back to normal. I felt to give in to him,
would make him think he could do anything he wanted to me, apologize, then
everything would be fine, for him.

Before I did I wanted to see some effort on his part to set things right.
I didn't want the man's soul on a bun.  All I wanted was for him to go
along with me for a while. If the son of a bitch would just let it be, be
patient with me, for a month, maybe two, and not push, I would've given in
to him. I wanted him to stop trying to force me to love him the way he
thought I should.

I wasn't doing all the little things I use to do to make him feel
important, and I wondered how long it would be before he got tired of the
status quo and jumped the fence to graze in greener pastures. Things were
getting so bad I was praying he would, so I would have an excuse to cut out
and go on with my life. Red's constant arguing was driving us further
apart.

In retrospect, knowing what I know today about Master/slave relationships,
if I'd been trained properly to be a man's slave, I would've never had
these conundrums to grapple with.  I would've been conditioned to accept
and trust the man that had become my Master.  If he chose to have sex with
another slave, my initial conditioning and trust would have sustained my
sense of self worth in being his possession. It wouldn't have become such a
big deal; however, I was young, idealistic, and like so many others out
there been brainwashed by Hollywood's idea of love.  It sure is pretty on
the screen but they carefully leave out the 24/7 routine grind that's
enough to make any relationship, no matter how sound, falter.

Red was being honest with me when he looked at the situation from his point
of view as a Master.  He felt he had that right and he did.  He was also
correct in the fact that he truly didn't think it would bother me that
much.  I believed him.  He thought I had grown so secure with him, as my
Master, I wouldn't feel threatened or hurt. Red forgot to consider two
things.  I just returned from the gates of hell and wasn't mentally secure
enough to hold on to the trust I had in him. It was hard for me to trust
anything or anyone when I came back from Nam. I was still having major
flashbacks two to four times a week.  I needed unconditional love more that
Red did.  That's why Leon had become so important.  He reached down to me
at my lowest point, offered himself to be my rock to learn to live and
trust again.  He never betrayed that trust.

Secondly, I was only twenty-two years old.  Red was twice my age.  He was a
mature man who had been around the block many times and as my Master,
should have considered that.  Every Master I spoke with said a good Master
certainly wouldn't of handled it the way Red did.  Most of the Master's in
our family were shocked and amazed by Red's actions.  That only made it
worse for him.

Hell, you wouldn't even treat your pet that way.  At best, love is hard to
share. Somehow, I noticed, it's a little easier when you love both people.
With T-bo it was more like he was stealing it from me and Red was his
accomplice. In one thoughtless action Red maxed out his trust on deposit
account with me.  Lastly, T-bo was such a disgusting piece of shit it was
really hard to let Red put his hands on me the first couple of times when
we got back together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Red and I originally got back together and I agreed to be his slave he
knew I had an undeveloped taste for what lay underneath the leather patch
that covered his ass. As my Master it was his job to train me in the ways
he most enjoyed sex.  He slowly, carefully, and patiently trained me to
make love to his ass the way he wanted.  I was so damn turned on and
fascinated by that leather patch over his asshole. I was like Judith in
Bartok's, `Bluebeard's Castle', I just had to find out what was behind that
door.  Like Judith, I opened the door and: `Oh God!'

Didn't take me long to develop a taste for big, ugly man, butt hole.  Talk
about a one way street.  Once you go down that road there ain't no
turnaround.  Then again, you don't want to either.  `Sides, I was falling
so much in love with Red before I split, I wanted to experience every part
of him, I wanted to be a good slave for him, and I knew that was something
he enjoyed.  I wanted to please my Master.

I began to give in to a few perks.  He seemed to be trying to be better,
but then the constant sparring and jockeying for position would start up
again.  It wore me out emotionally. He wanted me to play sub games with
him, and I went along to a point.  He wanted me to pay homage to his boots
like I'd done willingly before.  I refused.  He wanted me to call him
Master.  I refused.  He wanted me to take his piss. I wouldn't.  He wanted
me to clean his ass out.  I refused.( Damn it! I was cutting my nose off to
spite my face on that one `cause I dearly loved to eat that big, ugly man's
ass.)  So, he'd overpower me, tie me up, force feed me his piss and sat on
my face until I would clean him, if he had to sit there half the night
reading a book.

Well,--when you got a hot man--`what' has his butt hole,--sitting right on
your mouth,--what a' ya' gonna' do?  I pretended to hate it, and all the
while I couldn't get my damn tongue up there far enough.  Gracious Red
would always help me by taking his fingers and spreading it open for me; a
thoughtful gesture on his part.  I'd act mad as hell afterward, but he knew
I protested too much. My old dick would be rock hard the whole time, and
I'd shoot the biggest, gut wrenching loads I ever had in our history
together.  I had to admit, but not to him, it ripped me a new asshole to
have him force me to drink his piss and clean him out. Then he would rape
the holy hell out of me which turned me on even more.  I was lost.

I was on the verge of leaving him, because of my own frustrations, when he
started taking me by force. If I wouldn't give him what he wanted or what
he needed, he was going to take it. I couldn't have been more turned on. I
was hooked.  It became a powerfully addictive sexual experience.  It was as
strong a need as an addictive drug.  I couldn't wait for my next Booger
fix.  Is that what I secretly wanted?  What's wrong with me?  I didn't see
myself as a masochist.  Yet, I've never had more powerful sex with any man
than the sex I had with old Booger when he decided to take it.

I hated him for it and loved him even more for it. What a dichotomy.  What
a conundrum.  I hated him for assuming he could have his way with me, but
loved him for wanting me bad enough and having the balls to overpower me to
take what he needed.  I got what I needed and more, yet I didn't have to
give anything in return, at least emotionally.  Don't kid yourself, he got
what he needed, too. I'd never seen Red so sexually turned on as he was
when he was taking it from me.

He became an animal. An absolute monster.  He bloomed as a truly
magnificent beast.  My kinda man.  I didn't have to be untrue to my
convictions of not having the same old situation we had before.  It
certainly wasn't.  It had evolved into a whole `nother ball game.  I even
found myself withholding sex and affection from him so he would take it
from me.  It was in those heights of passion I would babble uncontrollably
about how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, that he had always
been my Master, on and on and on--

He had tapped into his own personal goldmine of sex.  He quickly learned
how to mine my ore, and push my buttons to get what he wanted. I couldn't
have been happier.  Still, I refused to call him my Master and pay homage
to his boots, especially in front of his biker buddies.  Red would
introduce me as his slave and I would embarrass him by correcting him.

"I'm not your slave.  I ride with you.  I sleep with you, that's it."

Our sex became more athletic and violent in his frustration and desire to
force me to submit. At first he'd just slap me around and I would laugh at
him.  Then he got to backhanding me across the room.  Before you think
badly of Red take in to consideration I had probably hit him between the
eyes with the damnedest, most off the wall, awful, name calling I could
muster at the moment.  I damn well deserved what I got.  No slave should
ever say to his Master the shit that came out of my mouth. No man should
say to another man what I would yell at my Master no matter their
relationship..

I never tried to retaliate by hitting him back. I never wanted it to
escalate into a full blown fist fight.  I was trained to fight until you
took the other man out.  I was good at it; the best in boot camp. Sarge
challenged two other platoons and I won every match including the big ones
like Twissleman. I took many out in Nam, but to do it I couldn't think
about what I was doing,--just react,--and the other man was going down.

To do that meant I'd be trying to dominate Red and I didn't want that.  I
wanted him to control me; by force, if necessary, and,--if a little
violence got mixed in the rue,--so much the better.  He never really hurt
me and the violence only added fuel to our all ready raging sexual bonfire.
I learned what buttons to push to make him violent. It was like sometimes
when you put quarter in a slot machine you know that quarter is gonna' pay
off.  I loved it. I knew which organ stop to pull to get `Vox humana
monstroso agitatus.' Don't think bad of Red.  It takes two sides to have a
war, I had plenty of ammo and knew how to use it.

The more violent I could get him to be the better the sex afterward and
then came the love and apologies.  It was like the ascension scene from
"Mefestophile, the funeral procession of Amenhotep from the first act of
Glass's Akhnatan, the opening chorus of Bach's "St. Mathew's Passion," and
the final movement of Beethoven's "Ninth," all distilled into a few moments
of bliss . It was like when you're playing monopoly, you have only a
hundred dollars in change before declaring bankruptcy and your opponent
lands on Marvin Gardens and you've got three hotels sitting there. I had
entered the backdoor of heaven.

I never wanted to dominate Red. I never tried to be in charge, but I wasn't
gonna' make it easy for him to force me into a role when he'd done nothing
towards setting thing right with me. By God, I met his price he could at
least make an effort to meet mine.

So it goes with a lot of gay relationships where two lovers jockey for
position and fight for mental or even physical dominance.  It becomes an
endless merry-go-round of no win arguments and frustration until one gets
tired enough and gets off the ride.  Or the arguing separates them to the
point that they no longer can remember what attracted them to each other in
the first place.  It's difficult to lay down in the evening and make love
to someone you've been arguing with all day no matter how attractive they
are.

That's the beauty of Master/slave relationships.  There's no arguing. A
slave is trained and imprinted with his role and that's to be subservient
to his Master.  The slave is taught to trust and accept his Master's
decisions in all matters.  There's no room or purpose for arguments within
these relationships.  When his Master orders his slave to please him
there's no angst nor hurt feelings to keep the slave from bringing his best
to his Master.  I never felt in danger when Red bound me and forced sex on
me.  After he got me bound and gagged or whatever, he was considerate until
it came time to fuck me. Then he would take me hard, and fuck me harder. My
ass would be sore for days.  It felt wonderful.  I couldn't wait for the
next time; however, I would never give him a hint that it turned me on that
much.

Red wasn't a dummy. He could tell.  He once told me he could strum me like
a two dollar banjo, and have me resonate like a fine violin. It was
true. He could. Although, I always thought I sounded more like a wet pig
whistling `Dixie.'

Red always fucked me until I came. He knew he could make me come by fucking
me long enough and hard enough.  Worked every time.  I recognized each time
when he began fucking me to get me off.  It would send me to the nether
regions of reality until I felt my whole body began to shudder like my soul
was going to ejaculate through my cock.  When I reached a climax it would
actually hurt physically.  I'd shoot so hard and so much it would drain me
of every ounce of semen. Sometimes it would be so hard a shot there would
be blood mixed with the come.  The first time it happened it scared the
hell out of Red.  I assured him there was nothing to worry about.

Afterwards, he would unbind me, hold me in his arms like a limp dishrag,
and pour his love into me with kisses and apologies as to why he had to
take it from me. Red would growl at me in his deep, gravelly voice, he was
so sorry he had to slap me around to get my attention, but he loved me so
much he couldn't help himself.  He wanted me so much and I wouldn't give it
to him so he had no option but to take it from me.  I drank it up like the
nectar from a forbidden orchid guarded by the last of the true cannibal
tribes, the Yammammi.  One could only experience this by going through a
secret right of passage into their tribe.  It was sweet, powerful, and
terribly addictive.

He'd tell me, that one day, because of his rough sex, I would become hooked
on it like a drug, then I would crawl to him and beg him to take it from
me.  Then the only way I could find release was to call him my Master and
beg to clean his dirty boots.  He wasn't far wrong.  He didn't realize how
close he was.  Red could've gotten Park Place and Boardwalk maxed out, for
free, if he'd withheld sex from me for only a week.

I would've been reduced to a blithering, babbling, sex starved, zombie
slave and done anything he asked.  Hell, I would've called him any damn
thing he wanted and ate his boots with relish. (not the pickled kind.)
Pouring his love into me became the icing on the fucking cake.  It was a
major turn on and he had me where he wanted me.  It became so good I
considered giving in to him and calling him my Master again.  After all,
we'd been together at that time for almost a year and he hadn't so much as
looked at another man.

We even ran into T-bo. He started toward us to say `hello.' Big mistake on
his part.  He had that same queeny, shit eatin' little grin on his face
like he'd taken a big crap in my sand pile and was gonna' rub my face in
it; like he'd really put one over on me and gotten away with it.  For some
inexplicable reason the thought crossed my mind, `The poor son of a bitch
has no idea who he's dealing with.'  I'd been passed through the bowels of
the Earth, and eaten the shit from the asshole of a country in Southeast
Asia.  I killed men three times his size in hand to hand combat.  I had no
intention of eating this little queen's excrement.

`Don't give that slimy little bastard another chance, Cowboy!' my mind was
screaming at me.

I jumped up walked purposefully toward him and decked him. Broke the son of
a bitch's nose.  Bled like a stuck pig.  Blood all over the fucking place.
Scared him to death. I reached down and grabbed the collar of his jacket
and physically dragged him to his tent.  I threw him down in front of it,
kicked him in his ass as hard as I could with my steel-toed boot and told
him if he wasn't out of camp in five minutes, I'd kill him.

The son of a bitch must have believed me `cause he never questioned me.  He
hastily gathered up his shit and under my pissed off gaze, ran to his bike,
threw his shit on it and was gone.  I ran the asshole out of camp. I
strutted back to our tents like a fucking peacock on duty.  Before he left,
I told T-bo if he tried to return or even came near Red again, I'd kill
him.  From that day on, T-bo was afraid of me. Good!  He damn well should
be.  I meant what I said.

Red was surprised at my sudden reaction but he was proud of me for standing
up to T-bo, and not letting him pull his queeny little games.  He didn't
try to stop me either.  He let me handle the scene the way I wanted.  Red
tried to hide it but he was also pleased that I'd taken such violent action
against T-bo. I think it stunned Red to see what I was capable of.  He'd
never seen me really angry before, and was shocked at the swiftness of my
actions.  Red didn't think I had a fighting streak in me because I never
fought him back when he roughed me up during our sex-war games.  However,
the greatest message it laid at his feet was just how much I loved and
cared for him; enough to stand up for what was mine and not allow anyone to
intrude on my territory.

It sent a clear message I wasn't a passive little slave that was going to
let that piece of shit come between us again.  Nor was I going to give T-bo
the opportunity to make any future inroads into my world. He was warned.
The next time I would kill him.  I left no doubt in T-bo's or Red's mind.

"Would you really kill T-bo?"  Red quietly asked me later, laying in our
tent together.

"What do you think, Red?"  I spoke softly.

"I think you would."

"If God can forgive me for killing `Charlie' he'll forgive me for killing
T-bo."  I rolled over and went to sleep.

>From that moment on, Red developed a new respect for his slave.  I think
he was proud of me. I was proud of myself. I walked a little taller that
afternoon, strutted `round the camp like one of them big, fat Japanese
wrestling men that wears them diapers. Almost every man in the camp came
by, patted me on the back, and told me they were glad the little bastard
got his comeuppance.  Let him ride with some other group that'll put up
with his crap.  They loved the way I handled it and threw him out of camp.
Not a man came to his defense. Good riddance, they allowed.  Red beamed and
smiled at me when several patted him on the back, and told him he had a
special man riding with him.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

We had been playing some powerful games and Red was uneasy about where we
were going from there.  I was a little worried, too. I thought if I gave in
to him and started being his slave again, calling him my Master, he would
stop trying to take it away from me and I wasn't ready, just yet, to give
that up.  I was as hooked on rough sex as a drug addict to heroin; however,
that night I shocked Red by giving myself to him in total submission.  He
didn't have to take it from me. I gave him my best and he responded in
kind.  Hell, he knew I still loved him as much or more than ever.

Everybody knew what Red and I were into because we made so much damn noise.
He would yell and I would holler at him calling him every name but a good
one to get him mad enough to take it away from me again. I knew every
button to push to get the reaction I wanted. I knew exactly what I was
doing.  I could time it by my watch the exact time the volcano would erupt.
He'd yell at me and call me every nasty name he could think of.  Sometimes,
we would stop, dead, in the middle and start laughing.  He'd look at me,
wink and say,

"Good one, Cowboy! Ooofff!!  That was really nasty!"  Then we'd fall into
each others arms laughing.  Laughed until we cried. My usual response.

"Oh, hell, Red!  Fuck this, we both know what we want, let's cut to the
chase." We'd fall together and fuck like snakes.

We both knew it had become an elaborate game but it was an important game
to us.  Fuck the world.  Hours later, after we finished and were billing
and cooing with each other, everyone in camp would literally roll on the
ground laughing their fucking ass's off at us. Shit, we didn't care. Fuck
`em!  They didn't have a tenth of the passion we experienced in our love
making.

I have to admit my love for Red doubled from what it was, but I wouldn't
make it any easier on the poor man. I did start taking his piss on command.
I knew he'd overpower me;--make me do it anyway, and I did enjoy it; wasn't
gonna' let him know it though.

I'll say it again, if I'd gone through slave training, been imprinted as a
slave, we wouldn't have played those games.  Master Jeb's training worked,
and many Master and slaves stayed together for years. A slave, turned out
by Master Jeb and Master Jim would never question their Master's actions.
Had the same situation happened with T-bo now, I would have reacted
completely different.  I would have yanked T-bo up by his short hairs, beat
the living fuck out of him, then begged my Master's forgiveness for
interrupting his fuck.

Red was actually becoming afraid of me.  He knew that even though I was a
bit smaller physically, I was in great shape, and could move quicker. In
all our games when he overpowered me, I'd push him to the limit then would
feign letting him get the best of me. He instinctively knew I could, in
reality, kick his ass if I chose too. That only made the game more
intoxicating to Red `cause he couldn't figure out why I wasn't defending
myself when he was slapping me around.

He tried a couple of times to see how far I could be pushed.  He messed my
face up so badly a couple of times he was a wreck for a week
afterward;--oh, baby,--would I milk it?  I loved it!  He'd even taunt me,
"Be a man, Goddamn it!  Stand up for yourself pussy, you're nothing but a
fucking cunt in a man's body.  Come on, you coward, you yellow bellied son
of a bitch, hit me back.  There,--" he'd point to his chin and stick it in
my face, "there!  Take your best shot, Pansy Ass!"

I never did.  Every time he'd hit me, I told myself, `It's your Master
hitting you.  You will never raise a hand to your Master.'  A couple of
times he would get into it and I would beg him to stop. I couldn't go on.
He always did, but he wanted to know why;- usually, I had come in my pants
and the fuck was off.  Talk about laughing at me, pointing a finger,
rolling on the floor, saying the most humiliating, nasty, ugly, wonderful
things about loving him.

"See, you little asshole!  You won't admit you love me but your body tells
me everything you can't.  I told you I owned that little body of yours That
just confirms it.  I'll have your soul, too.  It's only a matter of time,
slave."  He was right. That's one argument Red won hands down.

I look back to those days, and ask myself if I would've traded those rough
sex scenes for a more sedate, controlled, Master/slave relationship with
Red if I'd been a trained, imprinted slave?  Don't have to think too long
for an answer to that one.  Fuck no!  I've never experienced such passion
in my life, and I don't expect to again.  Does that mean that the other
loves of my life were not as important?  That they were dull by comparison?
Certainly not!  Each relationship has it's own rewards.  It's own unique
personality.

In some ways it becomes an entity unto itself that's born, has an infancy,
a childhood, an adolescence, a mature period, an older period and hopefully
a successful, loving conclusion.  Notice I didn't say `end'?  Love never
ends.  Buck taught me that.  Love is stronger than death.  There are no
waters that can quench it, neither can a flood drown it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We arrived in Los Angeles to visit on Mt. Washington.  The family gathered
to say `Hello' and wish us well.  They knew we'd been through a rough
patch, and wanted the best for us. Tim was a changed young man.  He was in
his last month of slave training, and Master Ben was allowed to visit
regularly.  In fact he was due in that weekend.  I looked forward to seeing
him again.  It had been sometime.

You could tell by the way that Tim talked about Master Ben, he was very
much in love with his, soon to be, Master. Tim had actually grown in
height, and was becoming an attractive man.  He was so attentive to his
training Master's and every Master that came to visit.  He was on Red's
boots in a minute, and Red ate it up.  He thought Tim was a little bit of
heaven.

Master Jim had taken him to the gym regularly, and he was becoming a knock
out of a handsome young man. He would make Master Ben a fine slave.

I was thrilled to see Wes again, but he didn't seem happy.  I pulled him
aside to talk to him.

"Sweet baby, we've been close too long for you not to tell your old cowboy
what's wrong.  You know I ain't gonna' say nothing.  I thought you'd be
happy as a clam in deep water with that handsome man for a Master.  I damn
near shit my pants the first time I met him at the Yuba River outside
Sacramento.  I was even more impressed when I found out he was an LAPD
motor officer."

"That's just it, Cowboy, he bought me for a domestic slave and not to
pleasure him.  I take care of his house and see to his every need. Then I'm
sent to my room every night, alone.  I get so lonely because I've fallen in
love with him, but don't know what to do.  All I want to do is serve him in
every way. The only time I feel alive is when I'm with him.  I know I'm not
worthy to clean his boots. He's so fucking gorgeous I can't even look at
him over dinner because I'm so afraid he'll see the love in my eyes, it'll
scare him, and he'll get rid of me."

"You poor baby."  I held him in my arms as he cried his heart out. "Is
there anything I can do?  I know him fairly well.  Well enough to talk to
him about it if you wish."

"Promise you won't, Cowboy.  I'm satisfied to be his house servant.  I love
him so much, even if I can't have him that way, I'm willing to be his slave
to be near him. I know that sounds sick, but I've never felt this way about
another Master. He's so good and kind to me that sometimes he almost breaks
my heart.  I find myself wanting to do something wrong just to have him
punish me to have his attention.  At least I'd get to experience his
passion in punishing me.  Now, how sick it that?"

"Wes, Darlin,' with what I've gone through with Red this last year, I'm not
the one to ask that question.  We have, perhaps, the singularly most fucked
up, sick relationship on record."  I laughed as he looked at me
incredulously.

"I'm not kidding, Wes."  I told him the details, and, of course, I made it
outrageously funny to bring his spirits up. I could reveal the secrets of
my soul to Wes and never worry.  So, he got the entire picture.  Me getting
hooked on the rough sex;---everything.  I was even laughing so hard at my
own take of Red and my relationship, everyone wondered what we were talking
about.

Wes confided he hadn't had sex with anyone since Master Earl bought him.  I
approached Master Earl and humbly asked his permission to take his slave to
a bedroom in Master Jeb's house, and fuck the B'Jesus out of him.  Master
Earl knew of Wes and my close friendship, and granted my request with no
problem.

I ran it by Booger earlier, and he didn't seem to mind.  I told him if he
had a problem with it to let me know, but not to throw it in my face later
because it wouldn't hunt.  I wouldn't do it if it was going cause
problems. I explained my reasons for wanting to help Wes.  Red asked if he
could watch?  I asked Wes, and surprisingly he thought Red was as sexy as I
found him to be. We ended up sandwiching Wes between us, and taking turns
fucking him.  Wes loved it and so did we.  I would fuck him down the throat
as Red plowed his tight little butt.  We had a wonderful afternoon and Wes
went back to his Master with a big smile on his face and four loads of man
come in his gut.

Later, Master Earl discovered the treasure he had stored in the other
bedroom of his home. He took Wes into his big heart, and his love for him
grew.  Wes had found the Master that would do for him all the things I knew
he needed in a Master.  Master Earl D. Shaw re-made Wes into one of the
most admired slaves in our family and Wes came to love his Master like no
other.

That night I allowed Red to make normal love to me, and responded like I
use to with him. I couldn't see putting our family through one of our rough
and tumble sex scenes. Besides, we'd call a `Kings-X' to our sex wars
around our family.  I would never embarrass Red by refusing to be his slave
and submit to him in front of our family.  I played the game for his sake.
I called him Master, went though the ritual, and catered to him.

I found out that evening that I'd fallen deeply in love with Red again, and
I was beginning to trust him more and more.  I was still wary of giving Red
a lot of control over me emotionally, but I was ready to start tearing down
the scaffolding. As I went into a peaceful sleep, Buck came to me again. He
took me in his arms, and held me.

"Like that rough sex, don't cha,' Sweetheart?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Listen to you, `Yes Sir', I like that.  I would've eventually made you my
slave. If, for no other reason to never let you get away from a cowboy that
couldn't do without you.  You ready to be my slave over here?"

"That would be my idea of heaven, Buck."  he laughed and kissed me. He knew
I'd be any damn thing he wanted me to be.

"You're doing fine, Cowboy.  They're gonna' let you know before much longer
why you have to be with Red. You do love him, don't you?"

"Yes Buck, I do." I said quietly not wanting him to think I'd betrayed his
love.

"It'll get easier, I promise, Cowboy.  Hang in there!  I'll come to you
when you need me.  I'll be by your side. I'll hold your hand.  I love you
so much, Billy."  He started to fade.  This time I let him go with a
whisper.

"I love you, too, Buck."  I listen to hear if Red heard me.  He hadn't. I
fell back into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I'd experienced in months.
God and my celestial cowboys had granted me peace that night.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We hung around Mt. Washington and took a trip to the desert to visit Master
Zack.  Master Beryl was living with him at the time.  Master Beryl was
thinking about getting a place of his own and was looking around the desert
area near Master Zack's.  Harley Boone was there in a hospital bed.  Mutt
was taking care of him.  Mutt's Master had shot Harley on the road and
caused him to total his bike and almost killed him. He was in traction and
casts all over his body.

We visited with him and Mutt a lot while we were there. What a strange
relationship that was.  Harley Boone is a straight man but because of their
friendship and having saved Mutt's life a couple of times, Mutt became
Harley's devoted care taker.  Mutt was satisfied with serving Harley as his
nurse and asked nothing more. Even though they might not be compatible
sexually there was a warm friendship that passed between them that was good
to see.

 We had a wonderful visit with Master Zack and Big Beryl. We spent most of
the week with them but I wanted to get back in to Los Angeles to see Master
Ben when he came to visit Tim.  We rode back in and really had a good visit
with Master Ben.

Red and I were having sex and sleeping with each other in a more normal
fashion when we were visiting our family. I acquiesced to Red and played
the role of his slave. I called him Master and performed the ritual so I
wouldn't embarrass Red before our family.  In a way, to refuse in front of
our family would be the ultimate castration of his male ego as a Master,
and I loved Red as my Master.  No other man in our family came close to
wearing the title of `Master' the way he did.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that to him.  He had a certain image and status
to uphold within the family.  Besides, I didn't want the man I loved being
thought of as a bad Master.  It wasn't true anyway, Red was a good Master
and I would've jumped any man's ass with a correction that dared say
otherwise. Red told me he appreciated me playing the role of slave around
our family and I believe him.  It was feeling good and natural for me to
show him homage again.

I noticed that he was off to the side talking to Master Ben a lot.  They
had their heads together and talking quietly and seriously.  Ben seemed to
be concerned and doing much understanding listening.  When I would approach
they'd change their topic of conversation.  I knew Ben and I were too close
for him to be giving Red council about our relationship but I had no idea
what they might be discussing.  Then Red talked to Master Jeb and Big Jim a
lot.  Again I'd get shined on when I came around to join their
conversation.

We were there for about a week and a half and Red and Big Jim would
mysteriously disappear several afternoons and would be gone for several
hours.  They would always return and Red would come find me and after the
ritual greeting give me a big hug and a kiss.  I was curious but knew
better than to ask.  If my Master wanted me to know where he was going he'd
tell me and by that point I trusted Red completely.

I intuitively knew he wasn't meeting some slave for a tryst.  I knew Red's
smells and would know instantly if someone else had been near him.
Surprisingly, that thought didn't upset me anymore.  If my Master chose to
do that then I didn't want to know anyway.  He wouldn't be going with Big
Jim if he was meeting someone and I knew he and Big Jim weren't doing it.
He never offered explanation.  I never asked and he seem to appreciate that
I didn't.

I was beginning to get a bit paranoid.  I wasn't giving Red what he wanted
but I thought he'd accepted that our relationship wasn't going to be like
it was. He still had made no effort to make things right between us, but in
our rough games he always saw to it, I got my pleasure as well as his. Red
was never a selfish nor sadistic man that way. He'd been totally faithful
to me over the last year.

I'd fallen so much more in love with Red again that the stupid incident
with T-bo seemed insignificant now.  I wasn't worried that Red would do it
again.  I began to believe he hadn't meant to hurt me.  It didn't stick in
my craw anymore after I kicked T-bo's ass and ran him out of camp. Perhaps
I'd punished Red enough and should let things be like he wanted.

I began to miss the feeling of being owned and the security of considering
myself Red's personal property.  Maybe Ben had been right.  I did, after
all, agree to be his slave. I missed doing the little things for him we
both enjoyed.  I wanted to be his slave again in every sense. I was
beginning to look for an opening to see if I could talk to Red and reach a
middle ground of understanding where I could once again give myself to him
as his slave.

We left Los Angeles and were on the road again.  Master Ben had invited us
to ride to Las Vegas and be his guest for a week at the Riviera and then on
to Reno for another week with him.  Red accepted and we had a wonderful
trip through the desert. We camped about half way there and had one of our
best sex-war games we'd had.  But it was different.  We laughed and kidded
each other through the whole thing.  I'd egg him on to get him to do what I
wanted.

"You wouldn't dare tie me up and force feed me that dirty asshole of yours,
you ingrate."

"You don't think so, huh, slave?  Ingrate?  You call me an ingrate? You're
the fucking ingrate. You should be groveling at my boots in thanks for
giving you the honor to clean an ass as tasty as mine, you little prick."

And off we'd go.  I ended up trussed up like a Christmas turkey with a big,
ugly, man butt hole being ground into my mouth. I loved every minute of it.
I let go with him and told him afterward how much I loved him for playing
these stupid games with me.  The old man cried in my arms and told me he'd
known from the first that I loved him for it.

He knew I didn't want to give it up.  He admitted he found it a new world
of sex that he would find hard to give up as well.  Red and I laughed about
it for days.  After that battle we were so much in love we acted like two
silly kids.  I know it sounds crazy but it happened.  I knew the time was
near to set it straight with Red and become his good little slave again. I
loved him to much not to be his total slave.

After we got to Vegas we continued to have great sex and I felt that we
were easing our way back into a good relationship. I began to treat Red
with more gentleness.  I was beginning to pamper him again.  Even our
friends noticed that I was more attentive to my Master.  I was beginning to
trust Red more and more.

The third night we were there we had dinner with Ben, Little Steve, and
Cal.  Master Cal and his slave had recently moved back to Las Vegas and
were acting as escorts and body guards for Master Ben.  Ben sent them to
school and had them take lessons in handling weapons and they both were
licensed to carry Guns in Nevada.  It did wonders for Steve.  Cal would
laugh and tell us,

"Yeah, surprised the hell out of me.  My slave actually developed bones in
his wrists."  Then he'd roar with laughter.  Steve would just giggle.

Like Harry, Master Ben enjoyed their company and didn't have to worry if he
wanted to get away and spend some time with them at their place in the
desert. Red and I helped Cal and Steve with a patio project at their house
and I was tired.  We all went gambling that evening and won pretty heavily.
Master Ben always seemed to do well when the five of us went to the casino.
I didn't drink a lot but the wine with dinner hit me and I began to get
sleepy.  I said my goodnights and retired to our room earlier than
usual. Red promised he'd be along in a bit. He never came back to the room.
He took his bike and left.  There was a note from Red for me at the front
desk.

Cowboy,

I know I fucked up really bad.  I'd hoped by now you would've forgiven me
for my indiscretion, and things would get back to normal but I guess they
never will.  It's been a little over a year now since my stupid error in
judgment. You gave me another chance and I guess I failed miserably.  I've
enjoyed every minute with you but I deeply miss the giving, caring,
trusting, sweet young man that chose a beast over beauty.  I know, now, I
can never have him again but it's not your fault. I fucked up and accept
the responsibility for my actions, but I have to move on, Cowboy.

I'll let you go to be with whoever you want. I wish you the best. I hope
they can make you happier than I did. In short, Cowboy, I just don't feel
like being punished anymore.  God knows, I'm so sorry I hurt you.  I never
meant to.  I never thought you'd care that deeply about that sort of thing,
but I was wrong.  If I could, I'd go back and change the past; I can't, so
it's time for me to hit the road.  This isn't a game, Billy, it's what I
have to do.  I've never loved a man the way I love you, Cowboy, and even if
you never think of me again as your Master, you will always be my
cowboy. I'll never stop loving you but we both need to get on with our
lives.

Your loving Master,

Red

"Oh God, Red! How could you do this to me?"  I wanted to scream.  Just when
I was beginning to trust him enough to talk to him about setting things
right between us.  If he'd hung on just a little longer everything would
have been fine.

"Well, Cowboy, when did you plan to have this little talk?  You were still
clinging to your own selfish needs for rough sex and using your leverage to
get what you wanted.  If you were clever you could have had both.  Red was
a man of great invention.  He loved you enough to give you what you needed.
You didn't need to manipulate it out of him." I chastised myself.  I was
devastated.  I didn't know what to do.

I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it or be around my friends for a
while. I didn't want to be around Ben or my bike family. I had a feeling
they knew this was going to happen and no one said a word to me. I felt
hurt, angry and betrayed.  I was more angry at my friends than Red.  It
wasn't like Ben, my brother, to be this way, to say nothing of Steve and
Cal who were two of my best buddies. I left Vegas without a word to anyone.

Where does one go to lick their wounds?  Hell, yes, home to the arms of the
biggest man in the world, my dad.  I made a bee line to Mason. I made sure
I didn't come into town until three o'clock in the morning when every thing
was shut down and no one on the streets to see me arrive.  I hid my bike in
Dad's huge barn of a garage and Lester let me in the back door.  I hugged
him and told him I'd see him in the morning, I was going to bed.  I went to
bed and didn't get up.  I didn't want any of the town folk to know I was
home.

Dad came in my room and sat on the bed to talk to me.  I couldn't, I just
cried in his big arms.  I told him I'd tell him later.  I didn't want to
talk to anybody or see anyone but my dad, Uncle Joe or Lester. I went to
bed and slept around the clock for over a week.  I wasn't particularly
tired, I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't eat.  I was losing
weight.  I would curl up in the fetal position, pull the covers over my
head and just sleep.  Ben called several times and dad wouldn't lie to his
other son.

"Yeah Son, he's here and we're worried about him.  He won't go out of the
house.  We can't get him out of his room; hell, we can't get him out of
bed.  He's sleeping around the clock.  He won't eat.  He's losing weight.
He won't tell me what happened. We don't know what to do.  I know my boy
well enough to know something bad has happened to him, he's hurting really
bad but I can't help him if he won't talk to me."

"Can I fly home to be with him, Dad?  I have a couple of days free starting
tomorrow.  I've got one of my father's private jets and could fly into San
Antonio around noon tomorrow.  Would you mind picking me up and we can talk
on the way back.

"Be happy to, Son. Come on, he can't get pissed `cause my other boy wants
to come home, too.  Maybe that's what he needs right now is his big
brother."  Dad and Uncle Joe met Ben at the Airport.  They were glad to see
each other.  It had been a while but their bond of love was solid. Ben had
flown the three of them to Vegas for a weeks vacation, several times to
Reno and treated them lavishly. They brought Ben back to the house and
quietly set him up in the newer bedroom.

I was in my old room.  I loved my old bed.  It was like returning to the
womb.  Ben didn't try to come in and talk. I was sound asleep and felt
someone nude crawling in bed with me.  At first, I thought it was my dad
and started to complain, then I realized it was my brother. He took me in
his arms and didn't say a word. He just held me.  It was the first time I
let any of it out and he got it all.  I cried my heart out in his arms.  He
didn't comment, didn't try to stop me, just let me get it out.

Later that evening we got up and I was hungry.  Having Ben home made me
feel a little better.  I sat and ate with my family and told them what
happened.  I didn't know what to do. After I told them how close I was to
setting things straight between Red and I, dad kind of snorted.

"It's not like you Billy three to give up and crawl in a hole.  I've taught
you better'n `at.  I know you well enough to know you needed to recoil from
the hurt.  You've done that.  Now, are you going to let that old man get
away with this?  You got a lot of Bud in you but I was the one what taught
you about life.  You can thank me for the damn stubborn streak you got.  I
also taught you never to accept anything at face value.  Find out for
yourself what's really going on.  Go directly to the horses mouth.

Get your ass out there on the road, find that old bastard and tell him how
you feel. You've invested almost three years in that crazy old man, you're
obviously bonkers about each other so swallow your pride, go rope and hog
tie the son of a bitch.  Don't let him up `til you make him admit he loves
you and can't live without you.  Kick his ass, get his attention and tell
him you love him and can't live without him either. You gave him another
chance, the least the ugly bastard can do is give you another chance.

"No disrespect, Dad, but there's a little more to it than that." spoke Ben
quietly. "Red wasn't truthful with cowboy. We all know it now and we're not
pleased with Red when we found out what he'd done. I probably should have
shared with Billy but Red swore me to secrecy; however, at the time I
didn't know Red planned to do what he did to Billy.

As far as I'm concerned, keeping a sworn oath becomes null and void when
you blatantly hurt another person by lying to them,--especially my little
brother.  By the way, Cowboy, Harry, Cal and Steve feel so bad `cause they
knew why you took off without saying goodbye.  You thought your closest
friends including your brother knew about this and didn't give you a clue.
My personal apologies as well, Cowboy.  You had a right to be hurt,
especially after what Red did.  We didn't know he was gonna' do that or we
would never have allowed him to swear us to secrecy.  We never should've in
the first place.

Red was afraid and has been for a while about a problem he's been having
with vision and balance.  He came to me that weekend at Master Jeb's and
Jim's and asked if I'd arrange some medical test with my doctors at
U.C.L.A.  I did and they examined him.  I don't know how to tell you this,
Cowboy, but just to give it to you straight.  Red has an inoperable brain
tumor and has less than a year to live.  Maybe six to eight months max."

There was a silence fell over the kitchen. I immediately felt sick and ran
to the downstairs bathroom to throw up.  I noticed sometimes Red seemed to
lose his sense of equilibrium.  His vision had always been a bit spotty so
I hadn't noticed much change in that except now and again he'd hand me
something and tell me to read it aloud for the both of us.

The fog was clearing.  Things were beginning to be more clear. He didn't
want me to know.  He wanted me to go on with my life as he rode off into
the sunset, alone, to die.  It's a great scene in a western movie but in
real life it sucks.  He wouldn't have been alone.  Our family would never
let him be alone. Ben would never let him be alone, nor Steve, Cal or
Harry.  Then I got angry.  I was suppose to live with the guilt of
destroying one of the most passionate relationships of my life?

"Ah, hell, Cowboy, his head was up his ass with fear when he tried to find
an excuse to break if off with you."  I calmed myself.  "Let it teach you a
lesson, you over reacted to his tryst with T-bo big time. Give the man a
break."  I chastised myself. He probably thought I'd run to Dan Yates when
he broke it off with me.

In his less than magnanimous attempt to break up he hoped I would run to
Dan. I wouldn't go to Dan in the condition I was in.  I wouldn't do that to
him.  Besides I would never think of going to Dan until I had some
resolution with Booger.  Besides, I was ready to bet that God wasn't
through with me and Red. I knew it in my heart.  This was the reason the
Old Man wanted me to be with Red.  I felt awful for not trusting him.

I wanted to go to bed. I needed to talk to someone and I had to be asleep
to do it.  My family and Ben were concerned.  They didn't know how the news
was going to affect me and didn't want me going back into a depressive
sleep marathon.  I apologized and promised my family I was fine. Please,
leave me alone tonight and I'll be fine tomorrow morning, trust me. I
agreed to let my brother sleep with me and joined him in the newer bedroom.

I wasn't going to sit idly by while my old man, my Master, my love, was out
there hurting. He wanted a devoted slave, by God, he'd have one.  He wanted
to be my Master, by God, he would be. Somehow things didn't look so bad
anymore.  I was devastated to hear about Red and knew I had another hill to
climb but I thought I could do it. I didn't think God would put this on me
if he didn't think I could handle it.  I'd lost loved ones before.  It
never gets easier but I'd been through it.  It wasn't good news but I also
knew this life wasn't all there was.  This is only a place to try our
damnedest to do the right thing and be a good person.  I knew without a
doubt Buck would come to me that night.

Ben was concerned about his brother and lay there holding Cowboy in his
arms.  He dosed.  He always felt comfortable in this old house and felt
that this room was special for him and Cowboy.  The young man who lay in
his arms had no idea what he meant to Ben.  He had no idea the depth of
Ben's love for him.  Even though Cowboy was a slave, or saw himself that
way, he was still Ben's brother.  He acted without thinking and would have
given his life for Ben.  Ben felt sad and guilty because unwittingly his
inactions to inform Cowboy had caused him great pain.

As he lay there awake Ben saw the curtains over the open window billow out
into the room and this radiant light moved slowly toward the bed.  Ben
wanted to wake Cowboy but something from the light told him not to and then
it appeared to Ben.  A big, handsome, mean looking cowboy, complete with
boots and a huge, brown, felt hat shaped to fit the spirits personality.
Ben knew immediately who he was.  He looked so much like his dad it had to
be Buck.  Cowboy told Ben, Buck would come to him in his sleep.

Buck smiled at Ben, put his finger to his lips indicating for Ben to be
silent but all of a sudden Ben could hear him in his mind.

"Howdy, Ben. Don't be frightened. Guess you know I'm Buck."

"Yes, Buck, I recognize you."

"I asked Allah if I could say hello to you and he said, "Okay."

"Are you real or am I dreaming?"

"You ain't dreaming, my Brother. You can see me, you can hear me.  Let's
just be quiet so's not to disturb our love laying there in your arms.  When
I come to him in his dreams we can hold each other, kiss and feel each
other and he needs that right now; to say nothing of my own selfish urges
to hold him again.  I think you can understand where I'm coming from.  I've
seen the number of times when something was bothering Billy you wanted to
reach out and hold him but you couldn't `cause Red was there."

"Yes, you're right, Buck.  I love my new salve, my little brother, but
there is a special love in my heart for this man and his family that only
grows from year to year.  It will never diminish."

"You're right, Ben, it will only grow stronger over the years and you will
find them a great source of comfort and unconditional love you can draw
from when things get rough for you.  Remember, Allah is with you and all
you have to do his speak his name; he will come to you.

I've come to talk to Cowboy but I wanted to talk to you first.  We're all
proud of you, Ben.  Allah, as you call him, loves you and is very proud of
you.  He has chosen you to succeed your dad when Allah decides to take him
home.  He knows you'll rule your country with strength, but with love for
your people.  You will bring about great social changes in your society and
offer any child from the lowest of men an education.

You will see that they are educated as far as they wish to learn.  Your
county will prosper and grow in respect from the world.  Take special care
of your two slaves, Tim and Keshan.  Keshan will save your life one day and
you will come to appreciate him as much as Tim but in a different way.

You will offer Keshan his freedom and make him your brother associated with
your family.  He will not accept his freedom and will see it as a rejection
of his love.  Then you must give him a ceremony with Cowboy's family
formally acknowledging him as your slave.

Be good to Cowboy's immediate family including Lester.  They will love you
as no others will.  They will protect you with their lives if necessary. So
will Cowboy's larger family, the Clan.  They all love you very much. I want
to thank you personally for being Cowboy's friend and brother.  You never
have to worry about his love for you.  You hold a great piece of his heart.

"Now I must go to him.  I'll take his hand but you won't be able to hear
me.  He may speak in his sleep.  Just hold him and he'll continue to
sleep."

"Thank you, Buck, and tell his Holiness I love him, too."

"I will, Ben." Buck looked over his shoulder, "He heard and said to tell
you he loves you, too."

With that Buck took Cowboy's hand and glowed even brighter.  He would wink
at Ben now and then as he was communicating with Cowboy. Cowboy would utter
a few words and a couple of complete sentences.  Ben held him tightly.  He
could feel the muscles move in Cowboys body responding to the feelings and
the touch of his love, Buck.  Ben got tears in his eyes for the shared love
of the moment.  He too, loved the man he held and felt only joy that his
lost love was with him.

"They told you, Cowboy?"  Buck asked me.

"Yeah Buck, they did."

"Now you know why he wanted you to stay with Red."

"Yeah, I feel like a fool, Buck.  I should've trusted your Boss.  He knows
what he's doing. I own him one hell of an apology.  Would you tell him for
me how ashamed I am and thank him for me for allowing me to love Booger."
Buck looked over his shoulder, gave an okay sign to someone I couldn't see.

"He just signaled me, Billy, he heard every word you said and he loves you
for understanding."

"Go find your Master, Cowboy.  I'll help you.  Your friends will help you.
They know you won't be trying to find Red to be bad to him, they'll help
you.  The man holding you in his arms this minute will help you.  He has
great love for you, Cowboy.  Lean on him, your immediate family and your
brothers in the clan when the time comes.  The Old Man is going to see to
it you have a couple more immediate family members to help you through
this."

"How, Buck?"

"Haven't you learned to trust him?"

"Completely, Buck!  I don't ever want him angry at me again."

"Okay, Sweetheart, he won't be. Trust him.  Trust what I'm telling you.
These men will be closer to you than brothers and will bear your name.  You
will unconditionally share your love for your Master with them.  Sharing
Red's love will only increase his love for you and your own personal
strength.  They will increase the love you and Red have for each other by
ten fold.

"I should've been better to him, Buck.  I made him pay too much."

"Hey! Now, don't go beat'n yourself up, Darlin, as your Master, that's
gonna' be my job."  He laughed and winked at me, "You didn't make him pay
too much.  He didn't listen to you. You told him what he had to do but he
didn't even try.  He shouldn't have done what he did to you but like Ben
told you, you did agree to be his slave.  Besides Red wouldn't have stayed
with you if it was too much.

Listen, that old man loved that rough sex as much as you did.  He got what
he needed and more. Just lighten up some when you find him. He needs you
now, Billy.  He's hurting.  He's afraid of having to face his own mortality
and hurting even more for letting you go. In his heart he knows it was his
second stupidest mistake with you.

Not having you by his side is,--well, it's eating him up.  That old man
loves you more than you can know, Cowboy. Go to him. Be his good slave and
help him to the end.  Don't delay. It's important!  The minute you find out
were he's headed follow him and find him.  It's important, Cowboy!  Trust
me!  It's very important!

You can do it, Billy.  I'll be with you.  Your uncle will help.  We'll all
be there to help you. Hell, the Old Man said he might even drop by to check
on you.  God really loves you, Cowboy.  He has a weakness for cowboys.
Tell Red we'll be waiting for him. We'll come take him home when he's
ready.  He won't have to cross alone.  We'll be there to take his hand."

"Will you take my hand and lead me when it's my time, Buck?"

"Oh, hell no, Cowboy," he paused for effect and smiled real big, "I'll pick
you up in these cowboy love'n arms, carry you to the Old Man's feet myself
and tell him, `Here he is Master, the cowboy you found favor with and we
all love so much.'"

"I love you, Buck."

"I love you, too, Cowboy."  and, he was gone.

Ben watched as Buck let go of Cowboy's hand.  He smiled and waved goodbye
to Ben, turned to the window and was gone.  Ben listened to Cowboy sigh and
drift into a deep sleep.  His breathing changed and became softer and more
regular.  His soul was at peace.  Ben slept and dreamed of holding his two
slaves in his arms.

I passed into a peaceful, dreamless sleep that found me refreshed and ready
to face a new day.  My family was amazed at my attitude.  Not Ben!  He knew
I would be ready.  He shared with me and my family his seeing and talking
with Buck.  He told us all the things that Buck had told him.  Except he
shared the part about being good to my family only with me.  Ben was
feeling bad last night when we went to bed but this morning he positively
glowed with excitement and love.

I was ready to leave.  I drove with my Dad to take Ben back to the airport
and returned to wait to hear from him. He said he would get back to Reno
and make a couple of phone calls to find out where Red was.  Maybe even
Harry knew or he might have a message waiting for him. One way or another
they would let me know.  He called and told me that Red was on his way to
Reno.  He just left Mt. Washington that afternoon and wanted visit Ben and
Harry.

I left Mason that same afternoon headed north toward Reno.  I thought I
might meet up with Red somewhere along the way.  I got to Reno and checked
with Ben and Harry.  Ben said Red had stayed the night with them.  They
tried to get him to stay because they knew I was on my way but he was
restless and lost.  He would start crying at the least little thing.  They
thought it was the reaction to the news that he didn't have long to live.

"No, that's not it." said Red, "Hell, we've all gotta' go sometime. I'm
certainly not afraid of dying.  I've been around the cowboy too long to
know for damn sure this isn't all there is.  I've seen him talk in his
sleep to Buck, his cowboy buddies and his uncle.  I know they come to him
because I've felt their presence.

What I'm crying about is, I never set it straight with Cowboy for hurting
him that time.  It was the biggest fuck'n mistake of my life and I still
can't live with it. I guess I realized instead of trying to work to regain
his trust, I demanded it from him.  I thought as his Master I had that
right! I kept thinking, `I apologized. Get over it, Kid!'

Well, he dug his heels in and refused.  Fought me every step of the way.  I
can't blame the kid. He wasn't a trained, imprinted slave.  I took it on
myself to train him and failed at that, too.  He didn't have the foundation
to understand my actions.  `Cause I was a Master, I expected him to
understand.  He didn't.

Cowboy told me he hoped the price I was gonna' pay for fucking T-bo was
worth it. It wasn't, T-bo was the worst piece of ass I ever had. I still
don't know why I let that worthless piece of shit talk me into fucking him.

I can remember the pain in Cowboy's eyes when he was on his bike getting
ready to leave me.  I've been face to face with death on a battlefield with
my buddies, close friends, loved ones, but I've never seen pain in a man's
face like that; especially, one I loved.  What's worse,--I was responsible
for it.  It's permanently etched on my mind and I can't fucking forgive
myself for hurting the kid like that.

Then, I was angry with him, not because he couldn't understand but because
he caught me.  I could see my world crumbling around me and I couldn't do a
damn thing about it. Hell, the more I demanded, the more he pulled away.  I
never really tried to just let it be, be his good Master and slowly regain
his trust. He tried to tell me. That's all I had to do.  I wouldn't listen.
I was his Master" Red said in an exaggerated voice.

"He told me exactly what I had to do to have his trust again and he was
willing to give me the chance. I fucked up!  He gave me the chance to set
things right between us and because of my stupid macho pride I wouldn't try
it his way.  From what I did to him he had every right to demand that from
me.  I swore to him when we first got together he was the only slave I
wanted.  But no! I was Master and he'd do it my way or else.  I would once
again make him pay my price.  If'n he didn't, I'd take what was mine.

When we first got together he didn't want to be my slave nor call me
Master.  He wanted to ride with me, be my buddy and bunk it in with each
other.  I gave him an ultimatum.  Either he accepted me as his Master and
became my slave or I was going solo again.  I wanted it all with the kid
and he was still licking his wounds from Nam.  I had to have it my way or
there wasn't going to be a way.

He thought about it for as long as it took me to take a shower,--then as he
was drying me he asked a favor.  He asked me when I got his dog tags for
his collar to make sure they spelled `Cowboy' correctly.  He gave in to me
to prove he loved me; he paid my price, but I couldn't swallow my masculine
ego to be what he needed for only a short period of time.

It's eating me up. I love him so fucking much I don't want him to watch me
die. Yet, I'm lost without him.  When we first got together I asked myself
if I was trying to relive my love for Bud, his real father, through Cowboy.
I loved Bud, loved him so much I wouldn't take another slave after
him,--but I love that kid ten times more than I loved Bud.

I know in my heart Bud wouldn't hate me for saying that.  He looks just
like Bud, down to his cock and balls, but he's his own man.  It's like
loving another man in Bud's body, except I love the man inside that body
with all my heart. The better part of what I am today as a man is because
of that Goddamn kid.

I remember the pain from our separation over Christmas that year. He
doesn't know it but I damn near went crazy. I bought a gun and was gonna'
end the pain Christmas eve I was hurting so bad.  This is a hundred times
worse.  I feel like I'm going nuts and I can't handle it.  I wish I didn't
love the kid so fuckin' much.  Oh, Ben, I hurt so Goddamn bad!" Red began
to cry in Ben arms.

"You and Cowboy have something special, Red.  Most men would give anything
to have half the passion in their lives that you and Cowboy have managed to
cram into yours. Shouldn't you give him the option of being with you if he
wants?"  Harry asked.  "You know, I've come to know Cowboy pretty damn well
and I know underneath his stubbornness he loves you now more than
ever. He's confided in me he thinks he's pushed the punishment thing too
far. He was going to talk to you here in Vegas about giving himself to you
again in a formal ceremony with our family.  Right now, he's just thinking
you left him. He doesn't know about your condition. Think what it's doing
to him."

"Well, I understand but I don't want him knowing.  It's gonna' be hard
enough to do this without him, let alone have him find out and come to me
out of pity.  Besides, as long as he's happy it will help me knowing I did
the right thing for once in my fucked up, miserable life."

"I'm not sure you're doing the right thing, Red." said Ben. "I feel like
Harry does, that he should be given that option.  You haven't been truthful
with Cowboy concerning the real reasons you left him.  He just thinks it's
all his fault. You wrote him that note that said you were leaving him
because he was still punishing you for your mistake.  You put all the guilt
on Billy and I know for a fact it wasn't all his fault.  Last I heard he
was pining his heart out in Mason.  Locked himself in his room.  Won't come
out for anyone."

"He is?" asked Red amazed, "I thought he'd ride straight to Dan Yates."

"That's so Goddamn unfair of you, Red.  You're a bigger man than that!"
Harry barked at Red with anger in his voice, "That kid loves you more than
you realize or want to admit.  You've always had a jealous streak against
Dan Yates and Cowboy hasn't even talked to him since you two have been
together. He loves Dan.  Who wouldn't? I love Dan Yates.  You would, too,
if you ever met him.  He's just the kind of man you'd love and respect.
He's a fine, decent, good looking man.  Cowboy never lied to you about his
love for Dan.  He was open and honest.

I personally admire the hell out of that kid.  He put Dan Yates' love aside
to keep his commitment to you.  You can't call the kid selfish.  He put you
first.  He decided to love you, Red, and that kid is devoted to you.  He
put his love for you before Dan Yates.  So, don't go there, I won't listen
to crap like that.  That's just pure, unadulterated bull shit, Red, and you
know it."  Harry told him angrily.

Red tucked his head. "Yeah, maybe you're right, Harry, I'm sorry.  I know
you're both crazy about Cowboy and you have to know I am, too; otherwise, I
wouldn't be hurt'n like I am.  I've cried myself to sleep the last three
nights without him in my arms to hold on to.  I know you guys are my
closest friends and I love you but you can't imagine how alone I feel
without that kid by my side."

When Ben related the conversation to me I started crying and told him I'd
have to call him back in a few minutes.  I did and apologized.  He
understood. He said Booger had taken off, headed for the Russian River, to
a resort that was owned by the guys that I had stayed with when our family
rode up there. I stopped in Reno long enough to have a meal with Ben,
Harry, Cal and Steve.  It was a quiet dinner.  My friends knew I was
hurting and only wanted to be supportive. They all apologized for not
telling me.  I tried to be up but they understood.  I thanked Ben for being
my brother and coming to Mason to tell me the truth.  I would forever love
him for that.


End of Chapter 13~
Booger Red & Cowboy
Copyright 2003 Waddie Greywolf
Mail to: <waddiebear@yahoo.com>