Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2016 10:15:48 -0400
From: Kevin Gerace <suck4straight@gmail.com>
Subject: From the Chronicles of a Sexual Outlaw (part 1)

PROLOGUE: OUTLAW IDENTITY

Subordination, shame and humiliation are perversely arousing. Roughly used
for another guy's pleasure or amusement, mocked, humiliated, insulted, and
if I'm really aroused, spit at and slapped around--disrespectful, degrading
treatment like that wildly excites me. It's not that I lack
self-esteem--it's just that I want to leave my real identity behind and
throw myself temporarily into this abject role for the sheer sexual thrill
it gives me.

Although I may crave domination from other men, I am, ironically, a
surprisingly aggressive subordinate -- I know exactly what I want and I go
for it with an almost driven vengeance -- I'm not inhibited at all about
expressing my desires (unconventional though they may be). Furthermore, I
embrace my status as queer, as deviant, as pervert and sexual outlaw -- and
I determinedly, consistently pursue highly transgressive, forbidden men as
objects of desire, admiration and submission -- hypermasculine, married,
primarily heterosexual men -- "stealing" orgasms intended for their wives
or girlfriends, swallowing a dude's sperm that should have rightfully been
theirs.

In submitting to these kinds of brutally domineering guys, I subversively
function as a compliant target for all their pent-up, displaced anger and
aggression, and act as a periodic, willing recipient of their bullying,
domination and sadistic cruelty. I'm not at all being forced into
submission but, on the contrary, am a willing foil for another guy's
power-lust--in fact, I actively, eagerly seek it out. The following
episodic chronicle of shameful, submissive acts on my part over the years
(I'm in my late fifties), recalled and written down sporadically years
later, has here been gathered together below and arranged in roughly
chronological order from existing fragments.
 ___

HOW IT ALL STARTED

One day in the fall of seventh grade, I was approached by an eight grader,
who lured me into an old garage by an abandoned house on the pretext that
he and his buddy had something to show me there. I was flattered that these
big tough guys wanted me to be part of their peer group and so I naively
went with the kid.

The minute I entered the garage,I realized that two other guys were were
there waiting for us. They had it all planned out. They grabbed me and held
me down and one of them threatened to burn me with his lit cigarette. One
kid was the leader; although he didn't participate in holding me down, he
was actually in control of the situation. He said that they wouldn't hurt
me if I did what they told me to.

They had me get down on the dirty garage floor and kiss their sneakers for
them, which I did only because I was scared. I guess I was not showing much
enthusiasm about doing this, so they threatened to hurt me if I didn't show
more appreciation. "Act like you like it!" one of them ordered, and so I
acted as if I loved kissing their shoes all over. My thought at the time
was that if I just did what they wanted they wouldn't hurt me. This feigned
enthusiasm on my part got a real rise out of them, I recall one of them
saying they had a "live one" -- that is, someone scared enough by their
intimidation to make a fool out of himself.

It was at this moment that the masochist in me was born. By my catering to
their sadistic desire to lord it over me instead of resisting them, the
boundaries between what they wanted and what I wanted began to blur for me
-- I was there to be used for their pleasure and amusement and I guess to
them I seemed to enjoy it.

I had a hardon by now and one of them pointed this out to the others and
they all laughed about it. Soon everyone pulled out their dicks and before
long they had me down on my knees blowing them. They were passing me back
and forth among them, calling me names, making comments to each other about
how queer I was and I just kept acting as if I enjoyed it in order to avoid
giving them an excuse to really hurt me. They were probably surprised by my
submissiveness, by how hungry I seemed to be for their dicks. It made me
feel dirty and cheap and deeply ashamed of myself for not fighting back and
just letting these guys use me this way. I can't remember how long it went
on, or what exactly happened after that, but when they finally let me go
and I went home, I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it.

They felt like big men, because they had made a younger kid do degrading
shit for their amusement. It was as much or more about power than about
sex. What started off as a sadistic hazing, ended up being a gang rape.

Although it was terrifying to experience all this at the time, I found
myself returning to the incident in my masturbation fantasies over and
over. The feeling of shame for being so compliant during the gang suck
became sexualized; the hot blush of shame came to be associated with sexual
arousal and eventually became for me a delicious and sensuous indulgence.

Later I would set up situations where I could simulate the shame I felt for
real during and shortly after the incident. But this time, I would be in
control of the limits and parameters of the scene.

Simulated shame, paradoxically, restores a sense of power to the masochist
by casting the self as the author of its own shaming behavior (not
others). The dissociation I experienced back then as a coping strategy and
my desperate playing of the role of the eager cocksucker later served as a
means to facilitate sadomasochistic scenes as an adult through throwing
myself into the role of abject suck bitch who craves being used for another
guy's base amusement and sadistic whims.  ___

INSTINCTUAL DOMINANCE HIERARCHIES

The power dynamics of dominance is instinctual in all men, I think, and
this competitive one-upmanship permeates male/male sports, business and
social interactions. Most of the great apes (chimps, orangutans, etc.),
some monkeys and all the baboons have dominance/subordinate hierarchies
among males, a pecking order from top dog to marginalized, servile bottoms
grooming their superiors.

To better understand our instincts, we can compare ourselves to other
species. If we look at social animals, like our nearest relatives, the
primates, they have dominance/submission behavior.  When trying to
understand sadomasochism not as a disorder but as instinctual behavior, we
might learn a great deal from the natural dominance hierarchies in wild
animals.

I found the following information particularly interesting in this regard,
and have summarized below:


AGONISTIC BEHAVIOR: pertaining to the range of activities associated with
aggressive encounters between members of the same species, including
threat, attack, appeasement, or retreat.

This kind of behavioral display is used by social animals to establish
dominance hierarchies between individuals or within groups without actually
physically fighting.

There are usually separate hierarchies for males in the group and for
females in the group (males tend to be both more aggressive in establishing
these, and to maintain them more rigidly).

There are two types of social hierarchies, despotic and linear:



In DESPOTIC HIERARCHIES, there is an alpha member or alpha pair, and
everyone else is equally submissive under him/them (i.e., the petty
criminal and his small group of admiring cronies, who will do anything he
says).


In LINEAR HIERARCHIES, every member has a place in a "pecking order,"
submissive only to those above them in the hierarchy, but dominant over all
those below them (this is more common in groups of males -- i.e., the
military, a sports team, a fraternity, a prison population, etc. -- from
this point on, I will discuss social dominance in terms of all-male
groupings.

Researchers have categorized the various levels of dominance/subordination
in social animals using letters from the Greek alphabet.


ALPHA: The supreme dominant individual in the group.


BETA: The second-in-command -- can take over alpha role if necessary, but
prefers playing second fiddle. The beta forms a strong bond with the alpha,
who comes to depend on his support, and gives him preferential treatment
for his loyalty (there is lots of misinformation on this on the net -- the
beta is not a "yes man," he ranks very high in the pecking order --
outranked only by the alpha).


TERTIARY: The majority of members in the group, the "regular guys."  They
are sometimes subdivided into "gamma" and "delta" to denote their relative
internal ranking.


OMEGA: The very lowest ranking individuals of a group -- often ostracized
or scapegoated.


In any given group of guys, you see these roles -- right?  We're just
brainy apes, but we have the same instincts.  The difference is, we can
play with these instinctual urges -- the question is whether to be ruled by
our instincts or to be the master of our instincts and play with them for
recreational release.

***

Sadomasochistic "acting out" is a very crude, coarse, primal, raw, vulgar
and narcissistic lust for physically demonstrating in very unsophisticated
and no uncertain terms, complete mastery over another guy. But the open
expression of this natural, instinctual drive for dominance is forbidden in
our culture and is highly transgressive, and its dark "Other," -- willful
subordination (what I'm into) -- is considered to be very shameful and
unmanly (and therefore, provides a perfect target for the acting-out of
sadistic dominance on the part of the Man through openly contemptuous
treatment of the fag).

Little wonder, then, that all guys probably have some sort of fantasies
about dominating other guys, -- most of the time they sublimate these
controlling urges into their everyday life -- into their workplace, their
relationships with family members (especially fathers and sons) and their
man-to-man social life of drinking, playing cards, watching sports, sharing
tales of sexual exploits and other activities with their buddies.

But every once in a great while, you run across a masochistic queer (like
me), someone who actually wants to be dominated, shamed, insulted and
abused, and at that point, all the mean, degrading shit you had been
wishing you could do to another guy for years (like spitting right in a
dude's face), is not just an embarrassing, fleeting fantasy -- it's a real
possibility -- to actually act out some of the lowest, crudest, most
degrading shit you can think of with a masochistic fag who is just asking
for it -- practically begging to be the object of your cruelty, degradation
and power display.

When I surrender myself to these kinds of powerful and compelling (yet
embarrassing) masochistic urges, I don't feel I'm doing something strange
and unnatural -- on the contrary, I feel as if I am tapping into something
very deeply instinctual and primordial, stemming from a very archaic,
primitive, animalistic part of my brain -- it is a willful descent into
gross, brutal instinct either way, whether through cruel domination or
cowering, groveling subordination.