Date: Fri, 26 Aug 2005 10:47:13 -0500
From: sharp er <sharper@inorbit.com>
Subject: One thing I might do

One thing I might do is start to look around for a new boyfriend. This
one is useless. He is tired. He is tired of me. I can feel him watching
me when we go to work out in the gym. He watches me lifting weights,
doing my various stretches and push-ups and crunches. He watches me
steadily like he has never met me before and he fancies me - but he is
tired of me.

Back at the apartment he ignores me except to bark orders. Get this, get
that. Eat this, eat that. Move this, move that. One thing after another.
He is constantly on to me. He is so tired of my presence. He ties me up
and has me suck his prick. He likes to cum into my cupped hands and then
have me drink it up - like I am at a fountain. He pisses into a glass and
hands the frothy bitter wine to me with the one word, "There".

He is bored with me.

He sometimes has me go around fully clothed. He tells me "piss yourself"
and I do. Then we go out, my wet pants squishing and dripping as I walk.
He guides me with one hand, absent mindedly, hardly aware of my presence.
Once, in a bar he gave me a glass of beer and told me to go drink it in a
corner, by myself, where no one could see me. I saw him talking and
joking with people. I stayed where I was. He didn't want me. I stayed
where I was. Eventually, it was late and I was frantic, he came over to
me.

"Find your own way home," he said.

That was unfair. When I got home he was there with some other bloke,
talking and drinking. As soon as I got in and got undressed he told me to
go stand in a corner where I wouldn't disturb anybody any more. The other
bloke came over and stroked me and fingered me. Perhaps I should go off
with him. He was smelly, but he liked me. He stroked my body like I was a
girl, all the time breathing in a husky way. He smoked too much and he
was over-weight.

"Are you a good boy?" he asked.

"Y - Yes Sir," I replied.

He laughed. Apparently I'd been funny. He went back and said to my
boyfriend "ready when you are", and they led me into the black room where
they beat me and fucked me.

If I went off I'd look for somebody who really wanted me. Someone who
cared for me and wanted to look after me. Someone who was willing to
treat me like something more valuable than himself. Someone who didn't
care if I was good or obedient or well-behaved. Someone who didn't use me
as their piss-pot, ashtray, dogsbody, servant.

I started to look for others. My current boyfriend liked me to sleep in
his bed but halfway through he'd kick me - really kick me - and I'd go
out of the bed, hide beside it, put on my chain. He liked that. I started
to look for a guy who would let me sleep all night in his arms, his arms
around me, holding me against his chest, kissing the nape of my neck,
breathing softly on me all through the night. I imagined such a man. He
would wake before me - Not like now, when I have to jump up as soon as
the alarm goes off, jump at the alarm and switch it off before it
disturbs him. I have to creep softly into the bed, from the bottom,
leaving my chain behind, licking the night sweat off him. Off his feet.
Out of his crack. He sometimes turns over with his big hard-on and throws
the covers and hits me about the head until he ejaculates into my face.
He expects me to be grateful so I go up to his face and kiss him very,
very gently so as not to upset him and say "Thank you oh my Master," very
quiet so that he can only just hear.

I'd like someone who thought about my cum, someone who cared about
whether or not I had an ejaculation, someone who really wants me to enjoy
our sex - Not someone who just lets me do what I like just so long as I
can always perform my acts of servility for him whenever he wants and who
is constantly ready to be abused or fucked.

I looked around at other men. Some men are really pretty and they look at
me with a pause, like they'd want to do with me but can't work me out,
can't understand me. What is it with them? What do they want? I see them
dancing together. I could do that. I see them at the gay films. I could
go out with them instead of always with my current boyfriend who always
insists on me keeping by his side, silently, and who asks his friends to
check me to see if I am still hard like I should be when we go out. They
feel me up quite openly in front of everybody.

They don't understand me. They are laughing - not at me, at some other
private joke. They point at me. Do they fancy me? I work out at the gym
as well.

Sometimes I remember the people I knew before my current boyfriend. They
were nice. Gradually I learned more about myself - how useless I am. Then
I met my current boyfriend and he made me realise that if I kept quiet
and did what he said, and what he did to me, I might be better.

I think that I must be better by now. I lie at the foot of his bed after
he had pleased himself into me and wank myself off thinking I must be
very quiet. Or else. Then I try again to imagine how I might have a
different boyfriend. One who isn't bored with me like this one is.

He tells me he has just been to the toilet with this bloke - this kute
muscled bloke next to him, who has a really nice body and very dark sweet
eyes. I notice his eyelashes make him appear to be almost sultry, like a
man version of a broad, busty and dark from the 1950's. They were in a
cubicle, apparently, and wanked off and it's still there on the floor and
he wants me to go there and find their cum where it has dribbled on the
floor and clean it up. "Eat it," he says.

The kute guy grins, his dick still fat inside his trousers, with my
current boyfriend's hand on his hard round ass, and my boyfriend kisses
him just below the ear. Well, I don't know how they know. When I come
back and take up my position behind them again the kute guy says "He
didn't lick it up did he? Did he really eat it?"

Did he want me to disobey him? Sometimes he actually wants me to disobey
him. I never know. I'd know if he ever told me. I need someone who can
make clear what's going on, where I stand. I have to guess all the time
what would please him. He makes me desperate. What can I do? I try never
to disobey him. That's the least I can do. If I can find some other
friends who don't ... treat me like this.

***

We were in the car and when we stopped he got out to talk to these
people. One of them came over.

"He wants you to get out," he said, "And I'm going to piss in you and
then we're all going to fuck you. Not him. He'll watch."

I get out and start to undress but my current boyfriend marches over and
just lashes out, he strikes me with the back of his hand. "Not that!" he
shouts, "You fucking pile of shit!"

Everybody laughs, they laugh their heads off.

"How can we fuck it with its trousers up?" they laugh.

"Don't be concerned," he responds.

When the time comes he gets the knife out from the back of the car and
hands it to one. "Cut them off."

The one with the knife cuts down the back of my jeans and exposes my ass
which they all fuck until I am crying with pain.

"I like that," I say spluttering with distress when one of them asks me.

"Do you like that?" he says, behind me, fucking me, he beer breath all
over me. "Do you like that, you pig cunt?"

Is that what I am?

He fucks me and then gives me his shit-covered condom for me to drink
from. He squeezes his warm salty cum into my mouth like a toothpaste
tube.

"This is a slut," he observes.

Would he like me? Would he be a better boyfriend? He asked me a question,
like "would I be alright?" Would I be alright if he was my boyfriend?
Would he be nice to me? He touched my sore back gently while he was
fucking me. I tried to guess if he would take me to the cinema.

"You're lovely," he said. "You really are lovely."

I didn't answer him. I was frightened.

"Hey," he called over to my current boyfriend, "can I have this one. Can
I keep him?" He's so hot. So submissive. Such a good fuck. Hot and warm
and terrific to pole."

"Yeh," says my current boyfriend.

Is he serious?

"Talk later," he says.

They all drive off. I have to walk home and try to pretend my trousers
are alright. I look like I've been raped! What must people think? It's
late. There aren't any people, except some drunks and some students and
they don't care about me.

When I get home my current boyfriend isn't there but the other guy is. He
fucks me and pisses on me all night and eventually leaves and I go to
bed. My boyfriend is there fast asleep. I am very tired now and very,
very sore. I try not to wake him. The alarm goes off. He is very angry.
He has woken up. I start to lick his feet. He kicks me. I hurt my lip on
my teeth. I crawl up the bed and stick my tongue deep but gently into his
ass crack.

"Fuck off," he says. Then he pulls me away. Then his arm falls over me -
I don't move quickly enough and he falls asleep again with me there like
that.

When he wakes up I am still asleep. He gets up. I wake up with the noise
of him in the kitchen. I get up and run through. Before I can beg him to
forgive me before his naked feet, he turns and puts a coffee on the
worktop between us.

"Good boy," he says.

***

When I'm by myself - like, on the train - I look at the other men and try
to imagine their penises and how I could serve them. I'm looking for
kindlier men.

Once when we were both on the train, going somewhere, I started looking
and there was this really good-looking man I fancied. He was wearing a
yellow T-shirt and denim. Really cheesy style. He had his hand laid
casually across his crotch - like it was casually across there but also
like it was cupping his balls and squeezing them, it could have been. I
imagined him and me at the cinema together, him and me. So I was staring.
He had a beard, but well looked after. He was looking at someone else. He
was cruising them. Then they caught each other's eye and they both
grinned. Laughed. The guy I fancied shifted his legs a little bit and
adjusted himself inside his trousers. The other guy changed seats when he
could so they were sitting together and got in conversation. The guy I
fancied used lots of conversational excuses to touch the other one.
Firstly he poked him playfully with his finger, then he placed his hand
on the other guy's leg. The other guy started tensing the muscles in that
leg. Then the guy I fancied actually put his arm around the other guy's
shoulder and whispered something in his ear and also kissed that ear as
he spoke. And the other guy laughed. He was really happy. He looked up
casually and put his hand where the back of his hand touched the leg of
the guy I fancied. His eyes roved through the carriage and the guy I
fancied whispered in his ear. Then that other guy raised his hand and
cupped the face of the guy I fancied, stroking the bearded cheek, to draw
the ear of the guy I fancied towards his mouth so that he could whisper
his reply.

My current boyfriend told me to get out at the next stop. I never saw
them again.

I would have liked to be like them, two boyfriends, they were so happy,
so cute and so casual.

We got out at the next stop and my current boyfriend stopped me by
putting a hand out.

"Here," he said, "wear this."

He handed me a man's necklace made of beads. Blue, gold and black. It
looked lovely. I put it on, my hands were quivering.

"You can wear that," he said.

"He put his finger inside it and pulled it tight. "Looks good." Then he
went round the back and fiddled with the clasp so that it really dug into
my throat. "Looks good."

Just then this young guy I've never seen before jogs up. He ignores me,
of course and kisses and jugs my current boyfriend who smiles a big
toothy smile and lets the young guy tongue right into his mouth. I look
down - as I must when we are in company and I am not required.

"Hey!" says the young guy. "What a beautiful necklace ... thing. What's it
made of?" He comes over and examines it and pushes my head round so he
can see it properly. "Somebody's birthday?" he asks laughing
mischievously.

"Not his," says my current boyfriend, "not mine - so it must be yours.
Like it?"

"Absolutely."

"It's your's."

"Wow," says the young guy and removes the necklace from my throat where I
can still feel it for some time afterwards because it was digging into my
skin.

He puts on the new necklace and punches me in the arm. "Like it?" he
says.

I look at him with tears in my eyes.

My current boyfriend must be very pleased.