Date: Mon, 19 Jan 2004 21:46:10 +0000 (GMT)
From: Alex Douglas <alex_d0uglas@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: A Journey: Part 2

A Journey (c) 2003  Alex D

Part Two


The beach stretched before me, not a footprint on the sand, not a soul in
sight. It was early evening, the sun was just setting and the steep rock
faces which sheltered this little piece of heaven were starting to lose
their sandy colour, fading to silhouettes against the dark blue of the sky
.The sea lapped quietly over the light sand, reflecting a variety of
colours: the green of the lush vegetation that fringed the beach and the
fading yellow and orange of the sunset... I breathed deeply, looking into
the sinking sun, almost completely overwhelmed by the beauty of my
surroundings.  Being there in that gorgeous, peaceful paradise, I felt
fleetingly as if I was the only person in the world, and the rush of
loneliness that swept me almost took my breath away.

Then I heard the chatter behind me, and knew that Sam and Greg had finally
extracted themselves from the obnoxious Scottish couple who had spoiled our
dinner by droning on and on about the "disgusting" sex shows in
Bangkok. "How come you saw TWO of them then," I had barked at them before
storming off, unable to be polite any more, and making a mental note to
check out the shows for myself when I returned to the Thai capital.

I turned to watch Sam and Greg approaching, emerging from a burst of palm
trees at the base of the rocky outcrop, laughter floating across the
distance that seperated us. I loved the way Sam walked, swinging his arms
casually at his side,easy, fluid movements which, from behind, made his ass
look just about perfect. He was having to lean down a good bit to hear what
Greg was saying. I thought about Greg, wondering what he thought about the
whole situation. Since we'd come to Krabi, 2 weeks ago, he had not
commented on the sleeping arrangements, which were the same as they had
been in Bangkok. Sometimes I noticed him looking at us with an odd,
half-amused look on his face. He was a strange one, there was no doubt
about it. And there was definitely some kind of history between him and
Sam, I was sure of it. The little digs at me, sly criticism of Sam...I was
starting to really notice it, and was getting pissed off. Thankfully it was
his last night.

Luckily though, we hadn't seen much of him for a few days. He'd been off
climbing, boasting to us about a beautiful hidden lagoon he and the other
climbers had found, only accessible to those with climbing ability, stamina
and the right footwear. Since I had none of the above, I contented myself
with eating my way through the menus at the fish restaurants, getting a
hell of a good suntan and, of course, indulging in hot sex with Sam, the
best form of exercise in my opinion. One memorable day, while Greg was
scaling some rock or other, Sam and I hired a jetski. After ten minutes of
heady speeding and crashing across the water, shouting and whooping, we
were soaked, pumped full of adrenaline and breathless. I was horny as hell
after clinging to Sam's back, my cock grinding into his arse through the
wet fabric of our shorts. He brought the jetski to a halt in a patch of
shallow water behind one of the tiny islands that jutted up near the beach,
panting.

Sam made to get off, but I held him tight. "Don't move" I whispered,
glancing round quickly, making sure no one could see us from the beach. I
slid my arms around him, kissing his neck as my fingertips found his hot
little nipples. He leaned into me and groaned softly as they hardened...and
they weren't the only things that were hard. My cock was nearly burning its
way out of my shorts, and as I slid my hand down Sam's firm stomach, I
found his was sprouting out of his waistband, oozing all over his
skin. Pulling it free, I massaged it slowly, up and down, nipping at his
neck as he sighed and squirmed.

It was awkward with his legs spread , straddling the jetski, I couldn't get
his shorts down far enough. "Take them off" I mumbled in his ear.

"Someone might see" he whispered, gasping as I speeded up the handjob I was
giving him. I ground my hardon against his arse again as he leaned forward
to allow me better access. "Someone might see what," I muttered recklessly,
and obediently he pulled them off and re-straddled the jetski.

"See?" I said in his ear, giving it a quick lick and marvelling at how his
skin broke out in goosbumps at the touch of my tongue. "Your t-shirt covers
just about everything." I freed my cock and balls, and slid in as far as I
could, my stiff prick slipping easily up and down his crack, leaking and
lubricating. The head came to rest against the tight little hole, and I
kept it there, nudging and pushing against him, longing to plunge it right
in. He groaned. "Oh god, I want you to fuck me" he moaned softly, "but I
didn't think we'd need a condom hiring a jetski."

I grinned and fished in my pocket. "I wasn't a boy scout for nothing" I
murmured, getting the rubber on in record time. He leaned forward and
pushed his ass up as far as he could as my cock sank inside him, lubricated
from all the precum I'd been leaking. For a second, I held the position,
thinking I was going to die from arousal, staring down at the joining of
our bodies, his perfectly formed ass just waiting to be fucked. Holding him
tight, I began to thrust inside him as he wiggled around, trying to find
the perfect position.... "Oh god, that's the spot...ah!" he groaned, as I
fucked him harder and harder, totally turned on by the fact that we were
out in the open fucking like dogs, the feel of his silky smooth butt cheeks
under the palms of my hand, the sound of his hand beating up and down, his
harsh breathing as suddenly, he came, his inner muscles clamping down on my
cock in spasms which sent me over the edge.  It must have been one of the
quickest fucks in history but certainly not one of the worst. I held on to
him, resting my head against his neck as I dumped my load inside him,
shuddering and groaning. As I slid out of his body, I held onto him, not
wanting to let go.

He turned to face me, his face red. He pulled me in for a hot, sweet kiss,
released me and sighed. " I never imagined it would be this good with a
guy" he whispered. I winked. "You ain't seen nothin yet" I said, throwing
his shorts at him. "Fuck this outdoor activity shit, let's get back to
bed."

Even though we had only known each other for a short time, if felt as if
we'd been boyfriends for ages. And yet, when I was lying beside him at
night, watching him sleep, I realised how much more I wanted to know about
him, wondered what he wasn't telling me. I guessed he was bisexual rather
than gay, because I caught him eyeing up some of the topless girls. Takes
one to know one, they say... I only noticed because they were the same
girls I was eyeing up too. The boy had taste.

And then there was Greg. Every time Greg made a snide remark, Sam would
bite his tongue and look away. What kind of a hold did Greg have over
him?. He was basically like a doormat that Greg wiped his feet on. I itched
to pry, but managed to hold my tongue, not wanting to spoil the
magic. Gorgeous man, exotic location... the stuff of fantasy, really. I
could scarcely believe it was happening. Somewhere in the back of my mind,
I wondered when it would all fall apart. These things always do.

Then there were moments when Sam seemed to be dying to talk to me, blushing
and anxious, and his eyes darting about, settling again and again on the
scars on my wrists. Always an awkward bastard, I like to make people ask
rather than volunteer any information about them. I figured he would crack
before long.

Putting all thoughts to the back of my mind, I re-entered reality and went
over to join Sam and Greg. We headed towards soft music floating out from a
secluded bar hidden behind palm trees and bright, flowering climbing plants
. Dim lights went on, casting faint shadows over the pale sand as the sun
sank below the horizon. Perfect. Only two other people were there, a couple
sitting in the corner with some garish cocktails, served in pineapples,
decorated with orange segments and sparklers. After sitting down on a
luxurious Turkish carpet and lolling against some cushions, we ordered some
beers. I was eyeing the pineapple cocktails, but remembered the last time I
had something like that and ended up with a burnt nostril from a wayward
sparkler.

Sam and I started talking about the delights of Thai curries, and their
unfortunate aftermath, when Greg turned to Sam and stopped the conversation
spectacularly. "I see you've finally found someone to pry you out of the
closet, then." His voice was harsh. He slugged his drink, and I held my
breath, surprised, wondering what was coming next. Maybe he figured because
it was his last night, he could say anything. Finally, the nastiness was
about to come out, like pus from a festering boil.

"That's none of your business, Greg" said Sam quietly, his face bright red.

"Some fucked up little poof comes along and five minutes later you just hop
into bed! I HEARD YOU!!!!" Greg continued, working up a real head of steam
as I watched, dispassionately. So he was in love with Sam? "He hasn't even
told you his real name!" Greg went on, his voice rising. He turned to
me. "So what's your real story, asshole? Feeding Sam a load of bullshit
like that! HE'S NOT YOUR TOY TO PLAY WITH!"

The couple with the cocktails were staring at us now, amused. I looked at
Greg, saw the vein throbbing angrily in his temple. Oh, but he's your toy
though, isn't he, I thought. "Fucked up little poof?" I said, raising an
eyebrow in amusement.

"Sitting there with your scarred up wrists telling me you're not fucked in
the head!" He laughed visciously.

Irritation made me sit up. "Yeah, you're one to talk about scars" I
said. "At least I'm not some sick pervert who creeps around listening at
people's doors. What happened then, you're obviously dying to tell, did
someone get sick of your perving or what?"

Greg blushed, but smiled triumphantly, as if I had said exactly what he had
hoped, and my heart sank when I saw Sam's stricken face. Greg stood up,
throwing some money onto the table. "Yeah," he said, staring at Sam, "Why
don't you ask loverboy here how I got it! I'm sure you'd be really
interested to know what a big man he really is!" And with that, he flounced
off.

I was silent for a minute. Greg knew I had lied about my name. How? Then I
remembered him watching me write my signature on the hotel register. And
Sam had something to do with that nasty scar that ran the length of Greg's
face? Surely he hadn't been the one that wielded the knife, or whatever it
had been...I looked at him, suddenly unable to ask for fear of what I might
hear. Sam was such a sweet, normal guy. Surely not. But he couldn't look at
me, and his eyes were suddenly shining with tears, and doubt crawled slowly
over my skin, giving me goosepimples despite the warm humidity of the
evening.

Eventually I spoke, unable to bear the silence. " Look Sam..."

"Greg's right" he said hollowly. "It's my fault he's got that scar. He was
lucky not to lose the eye."

I looked at him dumbly. "What?"

His mouth worked wordlessly for a moment, then he stood up. "I don't want
to talk about it" he said in a small voice. Before I could speak, he got up
and walked off, and I was left sitting there, my mind a whirl. One minute
we had been having a good time, the next...what was Greg's problem? I
guessed he was in love with Sam, in some twisted way, but I knew he'd been
out to get me from the start. I kicked myself for spinning all those
stories on the plane, when I thought I wouldn't see Sam again... What to
do? Go after Sam or go and knock seven colours of shite out of Greg? I felt
like the latter, but little bloke or not, he would have creamed me in a
fight. I've always been useless like that.

Unable to make a decision, I ordered another drink, pondering the
situation. Another came, then another... when I hauled myself up to leave,
the bill was enormous.  I thought about the four travellers I'd yelled at,
knowing they'd disapprove of such decadence. Slowly, I made my way back in
the dark, cursing myself for not having brought a torch as I fell headlong
over the root of an overhanging tree. I stumbled back to the hut covered in
leaves and dirt and nearly tripped through the door. The light wasn't
on. Not wanting to wake Sam, I lay quietly down, and turned over. The
alcohol had made me drowsy, and gratefully, I fell into a deep sleep.


* * * * *

When I woke up, with a stabbing headache and a mouth like a camel's armpit,
I noticed Sam wasn't there. Not only that, but his stuff was gone
too. Puzzled, I tried Greg's hut, but it was empty. With a sinking feeling
in the pit of my stomach, I went to the reception, dreading what I might
hear. My worst fears were confirmed. With a polite smile, the receptionist
checked the book. Sam and Greg had checked out together, and gone.

I wandered back to the hut, in a daze, then in a sudden fit of temper
pounded the pillow to a pulp. Well, it was kind of pulpy to start with, but
at least I felt better, imagining it was Greg's face. And Sam! The
bastard. I clutched my head in my hands, screwing my eyes shut and saying
through clenched teeth "This doesn't hurt...this doesn't hurt...this
DOESN'T HURT! " over and over again like some kind of Buddhist mantra. I
tried to remember what real pain felt like, thinking about the day I had
broken my ankle getting off a bus. But the embarassment was easier to
recall than the pain.  Then there was the time I'd had my wisdom teeth out,
but all I could remember about that were the "Desperate Dan" taunts at
school about my swollen jaw. The night I took a razor and sliced my wrists
open, blind drunk and in the depths of despair, sitting by the bath. But
all I could remember was how good it had felt when the blood started to
flow, as if poison was being released, the pressure in my head easing off
as I got into the water. I realised that physical pain was only a fleeting
thing, barely recalled. How much worse it was in the heart.

Still, I had survived worse, so I put all thoughts of Sam and his twisted
little mate to the back of my mind. There were plenty more Sams in the
world, maybe not so nice looking but I wasn't fussy. The energy that had
been firing up my body like manic electricity was back, as if I was a
battery recharged after a night's sleep. In fact, I thought, I might even
have a go at the topless girls. It had been a while since I had succumbed
to the pleasures of the female after the last one practically ripped out my
heart with her bare hands, all the time telling me it was for my own
good. The bitch. Now THAT had hurt.

Strangely, I felt better after thinking about her. We had been together for
4 years, lived together for two. If I had got over being dumped by her
after four intense years, then getting over Sam after a mere three weeks
would be no big deal, I told myself as I strode down to the beach,
accompanied by my journal, fags and a bunch of books from the hotel
library. Jackie Collins, always good for a laugh. Shame my eyes seemed to
be watering so much, it was almost as if my body was acting on its own,
feeling the loss and the loneliness that my mind denied.


* * * * *

The topless girls I'd been eyeing up turned out to be a lesbian couple
called Alice and Jessica, from England. Alice was willowy and blonde, with
a supermodel's figure, almost as tall as me. But it was Jessica who I'd
initially been interested in. Small, with short dark hair, dark eyes, and a
wicked laugh. And nice tits, of course.

"It's nice to meet people when you're travelling," Alice said, pulling
strands of hair out of her eyes and tucking them into her ponytail. "A lot
of the time, though, people find out we're a couple and it's like "see ya!"
cos they feel awkward.  Or else it's straight guys hanging around wanting a
show. Pricks."

"You do get tired of the same person's company, though, " Jessica said,
nudging Alice in the ribs. "Another year of this and we'll have to think
about a pre-nup." They giggled. Their intimacy was casual, but it tugged at
my heart.

They were nurses, on their way to Australia for a working holiday. It
sounded fabulous, all their stories about the places they'd been so far,
and what they were going to do once they got to Sydney. I wondered if they
would ever run into Sam in some gay bar or other. Now that the bastard had
used me to "come out" to his twatty little friend. Then I remembered he
lived in London, and that I had never even found out what his job really
was. What a pair of liars we had been.

"So what are your plans?" Jessica asked, rubbing suntan lotion into her
legs. God, she was sexy. I looked away, distracted. I hoped they weren't
going to think I was another prick looking for a "show". I thought about
her question. "Dunno" I said. "I've kind of done a runner. I didn't really
have a plan when I left home. Maybe hang around here for a few days, go to
Ko Samui for a bit, maybe Cambodia .I've heard you can fly there from Ko
Samui. Haven't thought about it really to be honest."

Jessica raised an eyebrow. "On your own?"

"We thought you were with that big bloke" Alice said casually.

I lifted a handful of soft sand, watching it slide through my
fingers. "Yeah, well, he buggered off, didn't he."

"With the shrimpy climber?"

I nodded, feeling a blush rise in my cheeks. Dumped for that. It couldn't
get much worse, really.

There was a silence. They looked at each other, then Jessica patted me on
the arm. "Well if you want company, you're welcome to hang about with us"
she said, smiling. "Alice is such a sunworshipper, it gets kind of boring."

So for the next few days, I sunbathed, played poker with Jessica in the
shade and drank a lot, trying to numb the crazy feeling bubbling away deep
inside. We were joined by a lone Dutch guy and an Israeli couple who worked
for El Al in Bangkok airport. It was a good laugh. In fact, I was the life
and soul of the party, an amazing feat since I was close to hysteria most
of the time. Life's ridiculous, I thought, shrieking with laughter as we
had a pisspoor game of drunken frizbee throwing. No one could catch it, and
Jessica wouldn't play without her bikini top, which was something of a
disappointment.

Yeah, I thought again as Alice went bounding after the frizbee, blonde hair
streaming in the breeze. Life's ridiculous. You get a glimpse of how good
it can be then it shits in your face.


* * * * *

All good things must come to an end, and it was soon time for Alice and
Jessica to leave. The Israeli couple had already left, only having had a
weekend off. I stood at the reception desk as they checked out, silent,
feeling strangely subdued. When they had got all their valuables out of the
safe, they turned to me. There was an awkward silence.

Then Alice hugged me, smiling. "You've got our email addresses, haven't
you? Don't forget us!"

Jessica's hug was tight, and I felt her breasts crush against my
chest. "We're going to do our PADI certificates in Ko Samui" she whispered
in my ear, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "If he doesn't come back, come
and find us."

Waving goodbye, I realised she was right. There was no reason for me to
stay there in Krabi. But with no means of contacting Sam, I was reluctant
to leave, vaguely and pathetically hoping he'd come back. I spat on the
ground in disgust as I walked back to the hut to get my fags. What an idiot
I was.

Alice's mention of email reminded me that I really had to get in touch with
the people at home, to explain what I had done. So after a shower, I called
my mother. She sounded sleepy, and I realised I'd got her out of bed.

"Oh my God!" she cried, when she heard my voice. "Where are you? I thought
you were dead!."

I told her everything, leaving out the gory details of the mess with
Sam. "So I'm here in Krabi" I finished, knowing it all sounded so
lame. "I'm sorry about missing the party."

She was silent for a bit. "Son, I'm seventy two now. I can't take much more
of this carry on, you know. I've been worried sick. And you left your
tablets in your flat, I saw them when I was looking for you."

"I'm sorry" I said, feeling wretched. "They were making me crazy."

"Sort yourself out and come home" she said firmly. "I don't know what it is
this time, and I don't want to know. Your friends aren't too pleased
either. Hiring that club cost them a fortune. And Alex..." she paused. " I
won't be here forever. If there's anything I want from this life, it's just
to know you're on the right path after all these years. Take care of
yourself for once. " She took a breath, and I waited
expectantly. "Anyway....I'm going back to bed." And with that, she hung up.

I couldn't face the beach again, not alone and certainly not with the Dutch
guy, who was a sleazy bore. Back in the hut, in the bed I had shared with
Sam, I felt my mood start to sink, like a setting sun. The black depression
that has haunted me ever since I was a teenager suddenly hit me like a
tidal wave, and I was powerless to stop it . I pulled the pillow over my
head and curled into a ball, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, as
lethargy seized me and my limbs turned to lead. Keeping the journal wasn't
helping much any more, I hadn't seen this one coming at all. I pulled it
towards me, but hadn't the energy to write in it.  As the book that held my
most intimate memories and secrets slid to the floor, I closed my eyes and
drifted off to sleep, a dark, dreamless sleep that settled on me like a
shroud.


* * * * *

I must have been in there for days, drifting in and out of sleep,
occasionally dragging myself into the bathroom to drink out of the tap, or
eat some of the tasteless biscuits Sam had left.  I didn't care if I got a
disease from the water, didn't care about anything. I just wanted to sleep,
because it was only way I could stop myself from feeling the bone crushing
despair that made me feel as if the bed was sucking me down into some dark
hell below. I lost all track of time, staring at lizards on the wall,
trying not to think about Sam, my failed relationship with my ex, the fact
that I was thirty and didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life.

Then one day I was shaken out of my slumber by the Thai receptionist, who
looked embarassed by my dishevelled appearance. "You need doctor?" he
asked, hovering about beside my bed anxiously. Slowly I hauled myself into
a sitting position and tried to smile at him. "No, no doctor" I
whispered. "I'm fine." I rubbed my face, wondering when the beard had
appeared.

He didn't look convinced, but he left me anyway. Shortly afterwards, there
was another knock on the door. A waitress, bringing me a sandwich and a
bottle of water. Such nice people, the Thais, I thought, getting misty-eyed
as I fished around in my wallet to give her a hefty tip.

I ate the sandwich, barely tasting it. I caught a glimpse of myself in the
mirror. Christ, what an apparition! I looked gaunt and wasted. And the
beard! But I was starting to feel a little better. I checked the date on my
watch and was shocked to realise I'd been out of it for three whole
weeks. How could I have lost so much time?

Unwilling to go out until the facial furniture had been tackled, I rang the
front desk to get some more sandwiches as I grabbed my journal and began to
write some more, the dizziness passing as my stomach filled.  Another night
passed. Another beautiful, sunny day. Another knock on the door. Staring at
the wall, I willed whoever it was to go away. I didn't want anyone to see
me looking so hideous, least of all the hotel's doctor, in case he had me
carted off to some Thai loony bin. The knocking persisted for a bit, then I
heard footsteps as the person gave up. Sighing, I was drifting off again
when I heard a key turn in the door. The light that streamed in blinded me
for a second and I squinted, shielding my eyes.

It was a second before I realised who it was. A hallucination, surely. But
then he spoke.

" I owe you an explanation" Sam said, his muscular frame silhouetted
against the sunshine, leaning against the doorframe as if he hadn't a care
in the world.


* * * * *