Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 05:11:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: B J Courtney <jc23a@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: And still in love (Pt 5)

AND STILL IN LOVE

B J Courtney

Part Five -- Guilt & Callousness

Somewhere about five Gareth woke on the unfamiliar
sofa and slowly adjusted to where he was. It took a
few minutes for him to get his thoughts together. The
beer and uncomfortable sleeping position left him
confused. Slowly his eyes adjusted to the room and he
realised where he was. The chink in the curtains
allowed a small beam of yellow light across the floor
in front of him. He became aware of the dryness of his
mouth as he realised where he was. He pulled the duvet
around him and cuddled up over the arm of the chair.
He listened to James' quiet breathing as he pondered
what had happened the previous night. It was the first
time in his life that he had drunk so much, the first
time he had danced with another bloke and, he allowed
himself a small smile, the first time he had ever
sucked a cock. For many years he had dreamed and
wished he had a cock to suck and suddenly it had all
come through and it felt good. As he pulled the duvet
even tighter about himself he thought about how
thoughtful it was of James to get this for him. The
room was cold but James must have woken earlier and
covered him up. This guy was really kind and Gareth
liked him.

He didn't remember drifting back to sleep and was
shocked when Barry shook him awake at about eight.

"Come on boys it's eight o'clock and time yis were
both up!" He called, "don't want the pair of you
slacking off work just because it's Friday!"

James sat up and cupped his head in his hands.

"Fuck me I feel rotten!" he declared.

"Pisshead!" Barry replied unsympathetically and walked
out.

The two young men looked at each other and locked
eyes. Gareth hoped for something but was disappointed
that James wasn't returning his enthusiastic smile.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" James muttered, "we're going to be
late! I'll see if I have a fresh shirt for you and we
better get out of here quick."

With that he stumbled into a standing position letting
the duvet fall in a heap at his feet. Gareth watched
as he left the room. He wasn't the most experienced in
the world but he had heard all these stories about
blokes having one-night stands and then playing the
'sorry mate I was a bit drunk' card the next day. As
quickly as they had found themselves sucking cock last
evening they would now be parting ways probably to see
each other no more.

James returned with a stiff white shirt in his hand.
He threw it to Gareth and silently he dressed. In
equal silence they walked towards the tube station at
Baron's Court. The silence was very uncomfortable and
Gareth wanted to say something.

"About yesterday..."

"Please don't say it!" James stopped him just as he
started.

"All I was going to say was thanks!"

James made no reply and the air seemed to become even
colder between them. Gareth decided not to push the
issue, this was going nowhere. He would be back in
school on Monday and would probably never see James
again. London is a big town and there was plenty of
space to avoid each other.

When they got to the office Andrea gave Gareth some
work to do on forwarding counsels' opinions to
clients. They made interesting reading but all in all
they kept him away from James' workplace and kept his
mind off the disappointment that he felt. It had been
a great week with so many good things but now it all
seemed like shit. He thought he had fallen in love but
now he knew he hadn't. Lunchtime would soon be here
and he was finished, he would never see James again
and he would forget him very soon.

Lunchtime came, eventually, and Gareth hadn't
forgotten James. He walked around the office saying
his goodbyes to the staff. Purposefully he left James
until last. He walked over to James' desk and held out
his hand.

"Thanks for everything!" he said quietly.

James reached his hand out but never lifted his head,
"see ya around!" he replied and quickly withdrew his
hand and returned to his work.

Gareth loitered a moment and felt saddened that the
man hadn't even looked at him. "Not if I see you
first!" he muttered quietly and walked away.

Andrea led him up to Mr. Roberts' office and the man
gave Gareth a cheque for £200. "I know we're not
supposed to give you this and I would appreciate if
you didn't mention it to my son but Ms. Kirk was very
impressed with your work, you'll do well. Thank you!"

Gareth cashed the cheque and sat into a small café to
have a coffe and a sandwich. The money would be
welcome at home but he had a score to settle. He had
drank six beers in the pub with James, that cost
£10.80, the wine cost £4.99 and the video £2. There
were four cans of Heineken to count in as well, they
cost 89 pence in the supermarket and all in all it had
cost James £17.85 to be with him. He bought a small
envelope in the newsagents and placed the exact amount
inside. He left the envelope at reception in Roberts &
Grimes with James' name on it. He thanked the door
security man and turned on his heels. He had misjudged
the character and was now delighted to be rid of him!

But things were not going to be that easy!

***
Gareth's point-of-view

It was always my dream to meet a guy who would be my
friend and companion. When I met James during the work
placement from school I genuinely thought that I had
met somebody that I could identify with and maybe even
love. I wanted to find a man who could be something
more to me than just a friend, I wanted somebody who
was strong and maybe even controlling like Michael
Roberts. Until I met James I always thought that I
would like to be with Michael but that changed when I
met James. There was something about James that I
couldn't quite put my finger on. He was underweight
and a bit of a geek but there was something about him
that attracted me to him.

I couldn't believe my luck when I found out that he
was gay. Sure he wasn't into flying a rainbow kite or
anything but that night in the pub I thought that
something was developing and as we danced and laughed
back at his place I thought we could get somewhere.

And we did! We got as far as getting to his room and
he allowed me to suck his dick. I now realise that
that was all it was, he ALLOWED me to suck his dick. I
wanted to give him pleasure and show him how much I
could appreciate him but he just wanted somebody to
suck him and the next day he acted as if nothing had
happened. I was devastated and felt cheap. He had paid
for everything we did that evening and he got a
blowjob in return. I thought I was a slut for doing
it, so I gave him his money back and decided that I
could dismiss him as much as he dismissed me. I
thought that clearing the balance would help me forget
him, but it didn't. Every night after that I thought
about him to the point that he was becoming an
infatuation. Before I met James I always fantasised
about different blokes but suddenly none of them meant
anything to me any more. Years of wanking fantasies
created around actors and lads I knew faded into the
past. There were no more days when I could lie there
and think about being in bed with Ryan Giggs, Tom
Cruise or Michael Roberts. I tried but every time I
closed my eyes I saw James again. I began to learn
what it was to hate somebody. This man had taken my
dignity and treated me as a slut and now he invaded
and controlled my fantasies although he clearly didn't
want to be there. Destroying my dignity was one thing,
destroying my dreams was another.

***
James' point-of-view

Gareth Fitzpatrick was an amazing person. I met him
when he was on a work-placement from school at the
company wherein I was enslaved. Yes I use the word
enslaved for my employment. It was a miserable time in
my life. Part of me wanted to scream freedom and part
of me needed to conform to what society had marked me
out to be. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty in
this for me, I'm not naïve. Here I was at 22 years of
age, an heir to a substantial estate with a strong
educational background behind me. Conformity was in my
interests and there was nothing that I was willing to
do that would ever jeopardise that. I was a
public-school boy with a secure future and I had no
intention of rocking any establishment to its
foundations.

When I moved to London I discovered a new level of
freedom that I had never really expected. Ever since
the days when I was in school I knew that I had a sort
of wild streak in me, but it was a wild streak that
screamed 'don't conform' and in the secret part of me
that is a place where nobody else may go I hated
conforming to the demands of my upbringing, education
and chosen career. Gareth was a sharp invasion of that
secret world. The day I admitted to him in the pub
that I was gay built up a barrier to him that he never
suspected. What happened next was to punish him for
that invasion. I might have had a few drinks taken but
I was no fool at controlling a situation. I had this
queer in front of me and I played a game with him. I
longed to have somebody to willingly kneel between my
legs and pleasure me, and Gareth Fitzpatrick had
exposed himself to me a bit too far that evening. It
was good to admit out loud that I wanted to be with a
bloke. I was insecure about it but I knew that Gareth
was even more insecure than I was so in hindsight it
was a hasty but safe confession to him.

The one part I hadn't considered was the morning
after. I assumed incorrectly that he would simply
disappear embarrassed by the fact that he had sucked
me off the night before. When we woke beside each
other on the sofa the next morning I regretted what I
had done, I had got what I wanted but hadn't thought
about how to get rid of the character the next day. I
realised that I would never have a good criminal mind
because I didn't know how to cover my tracks!

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble here. I had a very
good evening with Gareth and a fantastic blowjob! He
didn't go away the next morning but when he left a
package for me at security I realised that he was
gone. He had calculated how much I had spent on him
and refunded it. That brought the closure I needed. He
was gone, had said goodbye and acted to close the
episode. I could now return to normality.

At that stage I had no regrets about Gareth. I had
used him and cast him aside but didn't really care
because he had got what he wanted as well. My only
regret was that sometimes I felt n opportunity had
passed me by too quickly. I longed for the day when I
could get the chance to bugger a bloke, to ram my dick
into a willing and receptive arse. Gareth had
presented that opportunity and I had closed off the
possibility just a bit too early. We had incomplete
business but it was too late to change it.

+++++

Reader's comments can be very constructive, there's
more erotic content in later chapters but I like to
get readers inside the heads of my men so they can
really enjoy the sex scenes, if you have opinions
please send them on to me at jc23a@hotmail.com