Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 10:03:30 +0800 (CST)
From: fzw@china.com
Subject: Beijing Story - Chapter 9

That was an eventful year. On April 15, Lan Yu told me excitedly that they
had quit school and started a fasting demonstration.
     "Damn it! Are you having too much good time?" I said carelessly.
     "You used to be in college. You should be concerned about the future
of our country too."
     I could not help laughing hearing his innocent comment.
     "If you are genuinely concerned, you should focus on your school work
and let us take care of business." I joked him.
     "You guys are borers of the country!"
    "I feel lucky that it is not the "Cultural Revolution" time now. Or you
would drag me out to the street for public humiliation." I said jokingly
while driving.
     He smiled too and then asked in concern.
     "Will the ongoing demonstration affect your business?"
     "Of course. If I could not conduct business and have no other skills
to survive, I would go begging on the street."
     "I'll support you!" He smiled in complacency.
     "Forget it. I'd rather be a begger." I paused and went on to advise
him in a stern voice, "Don't get involved too deeply. Mishap will come
sooner or later. Look at the example of the "Cultural Revolution". How many
people ended up unharmed?"
     "I won't. I didn't even join the fasting. At best I'm an onlooker."
     At that time, most students were engaging in the "Revolution". There
were also a handful of students enjoying the time off by doing their own
stuff. Lan Yu told me that there were several distinct groups of students
in his college: The TOFLE gang, the Majong Gang and the loverbirds
gang. They were the biggest beneficiaries of the "Revolution". I said he
should belong to the lover birds group, which he denied and commented that
our affair was just an indecent fling.
     It was not important what our relationship was. What was important was
that we were together almost every day. The school was closed and he had
nothing to do but to make love with me on bed or go to hotels with me. I
took extra care to change places frequently. I knew several gay hangout
places in town. But I never took him there. He was like a flawless jewel to
me. I did not want others to touch it.  One night we went to karaoke and I
handpicked a young and seemingly pure money girl to accompany him. But he
looked a bit tight the whole night. Once outside I asked in smile:
    "What's up? Scared?"
    "No. I'm not interested. I don't like it!"
     "You should practise playing with girls. Or how are you going to look
for a wife later on?"
     " ... ..."
     I have known him well enough by now. His silence usually meant
unhappiness.
     "You are still too young. You have to consider these matters in the
future." I added.
     "Why do I have to get married? Isn't what we have now good enough?" He
said.
     I smiled slightly and made no comments.
     "Do you want to get married?" He paused for a long while and asked me
all of a sudden.
     "Of course! Maybe I'll find a wife in just a few days." I meant to kid
with him.
     It was already midnight. We stood at a dark, silent parking lot. There
was nobody around. I couldn't see his eyes clearly in the darkness. But I
sensed the concern and amazement in his eyes.
     "Han Dong. I'm cornered!" He whispered.
     We stood very close to each other. I suddenly embraced
him,tightly. "So am I." I thought. I was crazy about him. I got excited at
the smell of his young body ... ... I stuck my mouth on his, kissing him
wildly ... ... That was our first kiss and embrace outdoor in public places
... It was a pity there was no sunlight, just a dark and long night ... ...

    On June 3, Cai Ming called me as I was just entering my office. He told
me with mystery and excitement. They are going to end the standoff
tonight. His message was about 99% correct. I had a similar feeling too.
    I received a call from mom in the afternoon. She advised me not to step
out tonight by any means. I asked her kiddingly. Why shall I go out? I
don't want to be part of the turmoil. Hanging up the phone, I called "the
Temporary Village" right away and told Lan Yu not to go out in the
afternoon and wait for me at home. In two hours, Lan Yu called and said
that the situation was emergent tonight and that he would go to the Tian An
Men Square with a classmate of his. I was immediately alerted.
    "You can't go out tonight!"
    "We just want to go anf have a look. I will definitely come back
tonight."
    "No, you can't go! Let me tell you something. Something big's gonna
happen tonight!"
    "How do you know?"
    I couldn't stand it any more but had to explain to him patiently: "The
message is 100% accurate. Don't ask me more!"
    "I have to go then!" He got excited.
    "Are you fucking crazy?!" I became nervous.
    "I'll be back by 10. I'll take extra care." He had made up his mind. I
wondered why he was sometimes so stubborn.
    Leaving everything behind, I rushed back to "the Temporary Village"
only to find him gone.
    I drove my car around the city, which was a mess everywhere with a
depressing atmosphere. It was over 11 p.m. I sat tiredly at the gate of
TU. The loudspeaker was playing the Internationale and the national
anthem. A girl was advising everybody to go to the square to support the
students. The air was humid. There was not a single star in the sky. It was
extremely depressing. I kept calling "the Temporary Village". Nobody
answered.
    I had no choice but to go back. I did not enter the room. Instead I sat
on the edge of the pavement. Everybody had to pass here to enter the
"Village". I kept smoking one cigarette after another. I had not eaten
anything since the afternoon. But I still did not feel hungry ... ... The
day was about to break. I became exceedingly desperate and started to call
numbly:
    "Lan Yu, Lan Yu ... ..."
    "I have to go find him. I don't care if I will die or not!" Thinking
like that, I was about to start my car.
    From afar, someone jogged over here. It was Lan Yu. I could feel it
without looking.
    His white shirt was full of blood. So was his face. I could not utter a
word at the sight.
    "Facist! Barstard!" He cursed.
    "What happened to you?" I was completely at loss as to what to ask.
    "I was not hurt." He looked at his shirt and said. "It was all others'
blood."
    Hearing this I got a swirling feeling already ... ...
    He walked all the way home from "The North River". He kept telling me
everything he saw.
    "When the first shot was fired, every one was running backward. I
crawled onto the ground too. After the gunshots, I noticed someone in front
of me was not moving at all. I reached out to grab him but got a handful of
blood ... ... There was a girl beside me. I wanted to take her away from
the scene. But she was too scared to move. All of a sudden, the gun shots
restarted. I jumped on top of her and protected her underneath ... ...
    Pictures of the bloody scenes scanned through my brain as I was
listening to Lan Yu's account of the story. I stared at him ... I could
hardly believe someone as obedient, gracful and sentmental as him could
reach out to protect others under the gunfire.
    Although we did not sleep at all the night before, we were still
excited and sleepless. He was in my embrace.
   "I thought I was going to die. I was afraid I was not going to see you
again." He said.
   "You selfish boy! I almost made my way to the Square. I might have died
too!"
   "Are you so ... fond of me?" He uttered 'fond' so lightly as if he was
shy of saying it.
   "I hated you! I wanted to kill you!"
    Having said goodbye to the fear of death, we wasted no time feeling
each other. We wanted to prove with our bodies that we were still alive. I
used my face to feel his skin. It was hot and full of life. I still own
him! He was feeling me the same way and occasinally raised his head to look
at me. He liked to do this. His pretty eyes were full of enjoyment. He
stopped to kneel on the blanket. I walked off the bed and joined him on the
ground. He pulled my hip over and began to suck my penis ... ... I grabbed
him by his hair. Looking at his vivid face, I had only one thought across
my mind:
    "I can't lose him! I can't! I can't!" I almost shouted out. Pushing him
onto the ground, I raised his face with both hands. Looking into his eyes:
    "I love you!" I said something I never said to a woman, something I
believed to be too disgusting.
    It was so natural that I said the three words. Those were the only
words I could think of at the moment ... ... We were once again inundated
in the passion of love ... ...
    It was indeed love, not just "sex". I don't care what others believe.
I experienced the feeling first hand and still get excited every time I
recall the moment.
    My love can be observed and heard but Lan Yu's love can only be sensed.