Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 10:50:41 -0800 (PST) From: Joshua Williams <Josh_wills@excite.com> Subject: Confusion This is my first ever attempt at writing, so cut me some slack! :) -------------------------------------------------------------------- Confusion ---------- I had just moved to New York from London, and was still trying to settle in. I had a few friends from work, but no one who I could hang out with. I had moved for the third time in three months, I was fed up, but this move turned out to be the best thing that had happened to me in a while. My neighbour Rachael, was a 24yr old Advertising Exec. We bumped into each other daily in the hall, each accompanied with a little small talk, and eventually we ended up being pretty good friends. I'm not shy, but a little more reserved, so each time she invited me out for drinks with her friends, I declined feeling that I'd be imposing. The only friend of hers that I had met was Adam. He was gorgeous. 5'10", sandy blond hair, really defined body (think Brad Pitt), the most piercing blue eys, and a smile to die for. he hung out with her a lot, and even though they denied all romantic involvement, I was sure that something was going on, or was going to develop. Me and Adam would hang out occasionally, talking, having a few beers, and sometimes work out together. I would always try and sneak a peak at him package, but he seemed to be just as uncomfortable as I was with public nudity. The most I saw was him standing in his sport briefs which were so snug I could see the outline of this cock through. I was surprised that I had that much composure around him. Him chest was so firm, and solid, and his legs were so well formed, which just the righ amount of hair. I had fantasied about kissing his soft lips, and feeling his hard body against mine. I wanted to service his cock, tasting every inch of his manhood, but knew that nothing would ever come of it. I never told her I was gay, but I assumed that she must have picked up on it since in all the time I had known her I never made a move. I've had a couple of boyfriends back in London, but was never really into the scene. I was quite sure that NYC wouldnt have a problem with me being gay, but I felt that if I told people, I'd be pigeonholed to quickly. I was even less inclined to tell Adam in fear that I would lose our developing friendship. Even though we only saw each other a couple of times a week, they were my closest friends, and I was definitely falling in love with Adam. Things were great with me and Adam until one day when he was watching tv in Rachaels. Me and Rachael were talking (pretty loud), and it was obviously bugging Adam who was concentrating on whatever he was watching. -Guys, just keep in down a little, kay - Adam was being nice about it. We tried, but got carried away, and after 3 to 4 'please keep in down ,and Shhh' he kinda lost it and shouted -Shut the Fuck up. If you have to talk, go to Marks or the bedroom! - We were both stunned. Rachael wasn't very confrontational and she was pretty upset, and stormed off to her room almost in tears. I have two brothers, so I'm pretty used to the abuse, but seeing Rachael so upset, I decided to give Adam a piece of my mind. - Fuck you! It's just a fucking tv programme, so chill the fuck out! - I was losing it. I planned on staying calm, but he look so unfazed that I wanted to shake him up a little. Adam turned his head and he glared at me - Fuck you too! Can't you two just grow up, and show a little consideration? Fucking screaming on the top of your fucking heads, you're both like babies! Now just piss off! - and he turned back to the tv. - No..fuck you, you fucking insensitive bastard. Rachael is in her room, in tears because you're addcited to that box. Who's the childish one? - I was seering with anger now. Was I so wrong about Adam, my perfect, kind, understanding Adam was being...well a complete jerk. - You're not worth arguing with, I'll apologise to Rach, but you.......just fuck off - his was trailed. He walked to Rachael's room. I never cry, but I heart broke then and there, and tears started streaming down my cheeks. I ran back to my apartment, and broke down. I had never felt for Adam like anyone else. I've had arguments, but when he said I wasn't worth it, I struck me right at the core of my being. It had been over a month, and I still hadn't talked to Adam. I was so confused - I was mad, hurt, but so in love. i couldn't bare not having him in my life - in whatever capacity. Rachel and me were okay - it was between me and Adam. She tried to help patch things up, but I didn't want to open up. He called several times, but I never picked up. He kept on apoligising, but those words...not worth, not worth.....kept ringing in my head. I knew how he felt, and I wasn't going to let myself get anymore hurt than I was. I wanted so bad to talk to him, but knew that regardless of what he said, I woudl always feel like I wasn't important to him. It was Friday night and Rachael barged in my apartment and begged me to be her date to one of her clients art gallery opening. Apparently one of her collegues who was meant to accompany her had sprained his ankle playing tennis. I was a little apprehensive since I'm not a big crown person, but with all her whining and pleading -Please Mark, I'll do anything...I'll do your laundry, cook you dinner, buy you a new car, just be ready in 20 minutes!!- I eventually caved in. I ran to my room ,and started digging through my closet trying to find something trendy and semi formal. Short on time, I put on a pair of brown flat front trousers, which fit nicely around my bum if I might add, and a black fitted v-neck top, which started to show my now developing pecs. Let me tell you a little about how I look. I'm 5'8", short wavy dark brown hair, green eyes, and in terms of my body shape I'm on the slim side, but all those months in the gym was giving a lot of definition. I was pretty pleased with my body - wasn't really aiming for big muscles anyhow. We got to the art gallery, and it was amazing, both the art work and the people - I was surrounded by the creme de la creme of New York's art scene. Feeling a little out of place, I clung to Rachael. At one point she ditched me, and since I was left standing alone, I made my way to the buffet. I was picking up some crab sticks when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was Adam. - What are you doing here?- said Adam I decided to be civil, I answered him. - Rachael's date cancelled with a sprained ankle, so she dragged me along. Why I don't know, considering that's she now lost in the crowd - I said actually sounding a little miffed. - What are you doing here? - - I um...well....Rachael told me that....ummm.....she had a free ticket, yea - said Adam trying to avoid eye contact with me What Adam wanted to say was - I came to see you, I can't stop thinking about you, I miss you, I love you - Something was obviously up. Looking at him, and all my rationalisation about not seeing him started to collapse. His voice echoed through my ears, and I felt a tingle across my body. I closed my eyes, told myself to forget him, and walk away. - I gotta go - I said, and started walking. He grabbed my shoulder, and said -Please, just hear me out - The look in his eyes - those sparking blue eyes were piercing into me. I broke eye contact and nodded. - I'd been having some problems with my family, and I guess I lost it. I didn't mean to snap at either of you. I've tried to apologise, you know I have, and knowing that your still mad at me is eating me up. I've barely slept at all since...our fight. Mark, we've only known each other a few months now, but I consider you as a very special friend. I don't want to lost what we've got. I mean...is it too late to rebuild what i've destroyed? - I could see the sincerity in his eyes. His eyes were tired, and filled with hope and sadness, but through it all I knew he meant what he said. I wanted to respond, to say that I was sorry, and explain why I'd reacted to badly, but I realied that he wasn't just someone I loved, he was the ONE. But since my feelings would never be returned, I had to break away now, or I'd never be able to move on. - Adam, I'm sorry too - His face lit up, and it was making all the more difficult to say it, but I had to, but I felt like I was losing my soul. - I can't explain why, but I....- I was starting to tear up. In a split second, his glow dissapeared, and he looked very concerned. - Mark, what's the matter? are you okay - He put his arm on my shoulder. Adam wanted to wipe the tears of my face, but was so afraid to scare me away. If only I knew then. - ...I don't think we should stay friends anymore - Having said that, I ran out of the gallery. It was raining, and I thought - don't be stupid walk back in, but I needed to get away, and I started to walk back home. Adam came after me. I saw him and started running, but slipped. He rushed to my side, and held my hand, helping me up. - Are you alright? - - I'm fine - I said - Go back in. I need to be alone - I started to tear even more, my voice a little shaky. - Mark, if somethings wrong, you can tell me. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere - Adam's voice started to crack a litte too. I kept silent. I didn't know what to say. - Please, talk to me! I hate..can't stand seeing you like this. I don't know why you're pushing me away. Mark... I need....I can't...WHY DO YOU HATE ME? - Adam started to cry. I could deal with the pain I felt, but knowing that I was hurting him, that was too much for me. I wanted to run now, but I couldn't leave with him thinking he did something wrong - it wasnt just about the fight. I thought if I did, it would make things easier, but I would never forgive myself. - Adam....I don't hate you. It's not you or what you've done. I'm over the fight. It's me. I'd gone over it a million times, and maybe one day I'll tell you why, but for now trust me when I say it's for the best that I go - My voice was so faint, but I knew i had to be strong. I kissed him on the forehead, got back and started walking. - Mark - he whispered - Mark, Mark, MARK - Adam shouted I wanted to turn around, but I kept on walking. - I LOVE YOU - he shouted. I stopped dead in my tracks, he hadn't just said that, he couldn't have. I kept on walking. - Mark, I love you, and I need you in my life. I've never needed anyone like I need you. Please don't go - Adam was on his knees pleading, his head now buried in his hands. I ran back to him, and lifted his head, and looked into his eyes. - I should have told you before that I was gay, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I know that nothign will ever happen between us, but I still want,and need in with me in my life.- I was speechless, and the longer I remained silent, the more fear I saw in his eyes. I wanted to speak, but I was so happy, my heart was filled with joy. Adam said - I understand - Dejectedly he started to get up. I held him down, and placed my lips against his. - I love you too - I said. to be continued- tell me what you think