Date: Sat, 5 Nov 2016 13:32:35 +0000
From: Secret Writer <Secret_writer@outlook.com>
Subject: Connor - 02

*----- Connor - 02

Hi

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-----*

"And you said what?"

"I just replied and said thanks."

"You're stupid Con, you know that, right?"

I'd been explaining to Helen about Joel coming over with Andre last week.

"I don't know, it didn't seem that clear."

"What's not clear?  The gay guy texted you saying he had a great time."

"Slow down, I don't even know if he's gay."

"Fine.  The single, rich, interested in your work, making nice conversation
with you, gave you his number, told you he had a great time guy?  That one.
You're probably right, I don't know what I'm thinking."

"How do you know he's rich?"

"You said he lived out by the marina.  There's no such thing as cheap
property over there."

"Well, maybe.  But he could have just been being nice."

"And did he reply to you again?"

"Well yeah, he said we should do it again some time."

"I don't know what you're waiting for Connor, a hand written invitation?
He is totally up for a date with you, or more, and not some weird play date
with your kids, just you and him."

"Maybe, I don't know."

Lunch with Helen had rapidly become my only social outlet.  This wasn't how
I'd imagined my life would end up.  As was usual for us, lunch had lasted
significantly longer than was really necessary, although I wasn't drinking,
of course.  I had to pick Leon up from school shortly.  Helen finished her
second, maybe third glass of wine.

"So what's really holding you back?"

"Nothing.  I don't know.  Can we talk about something else?"

"OK.  I've got this friend, you'll love her, well kind of, but anyway she's
directing a musical next year, are you busy?"

"A musical?"  I sure my eyebrows were significantly raised.  "Which one?"

"Oh god knows, does it matter?"

"Well yeah, kind of."

"The one with the pineapple..."

"Cabaret?"

"No!  The singer, it's got that song in it, Barry whats-his-name..."

"Oh, the musical with a song in it.  Copacabana."

"No, no, the famous singer."

"Barry Manilow?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Yeah, it's Copacabana.  No thanks."

"Oh.  But it's work Con, you're not really giving it all up are you?"

"It's hardly work, there's no staging thats of any interest, and lots of
neon.  She doesn't need a designer, she just needs an electrician."

"For someone who supposedly hates musicals you always know a lot."

"That's because I'm good at my job.  And no, I'm not giving up work, I'm
just not interested in a musical.  It's not even a good one."

"How did you get from pineapple to Cabaret?"

"The song, there's a whole song about a fucking pineapple in Cabaret, it's
a low point.  How did you get a pineapple and a palm tree confused?"

"You should text him."

"Don't change the subject."

"Don't be stupid."

That was how we left it, although much better natured than it might sound.
I got to school with five minutes to spare and just stood around in my
usual spot.  We all have our usual places on the playground, I'm not sure
why.  Joel hadn't been around all week, and yes, I'd noticed that I was
noticing.  He was back though.  I watched as he walked through the school
gate and headed towards me.  He looked good, and I mean, great really.  He
was just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, dark blue jeans that seemed to cling
just the right amount in all the right places with a plain white T-shirt
that most guys would think was ever so slightly too small.  Nothing flashy
or expensive, but he made it look as though it was designer chic.  And he
was clearly a very physically fit guy.  I don't know why I had to make the
mental comparison, but he made me feel distinctly average as I looked down
at my `worn in' clothing choices.

"Hey Connor."

"Hi Joel."

"How's it going?"

"Oh, you know, OK I guess."

Fine, so maybe I had caught myself thinking about him on a couple of
occasions, but that's natural, right?

"You been busy? I've not seen you for a couple of days."

Yeah, good one Con, that pathetic whiny desperate tone is a real winner.

"I've just been on-site with a client, nothing too exciting.  Did you miss
me?"

Joel was clearly joking, although I was distracted by wondering what he
looked like on a construction site, in just a hi-vis jacket, boots, and a
smattering of mud - a thought that had quickly turned to a terrible porn
`plot'.  The mini tidal wave that tried to knock me off my feet as Leon ran
into me for a hug jolted me back to reality.

"Hiiiiiiiiii.  Hi Joel."

This micro-interaction was actually monumental.  Leon didn't talk to adults
other than me, literally almost never.  I'd met with his teacher a few
times over the past months, and in school he was starting to talk a bit
more, but outside school, it was incredibly rare, and had never before been
initiated by him.  I tried my best to downplay it, although I'm fairly sure
I looked as excited as I felt.

"Hey buddy!  Have you had a good day at school today?"

"Yeah..."

But something more interesting had come along and he was running around the
playground with Andre, leaving Joel and I just standing there.

"So Connor, I was wondering if you wanted to go out for a beer sometime?"

Of course, out for a beer, probably watching sports, like guys do.  Manly
guys, grrrr.  It doesn't mean anything.  Although why it had to I wasn't
sure, I've taken much less than that as a hint before.

"Yeah, sure, just message me."

"OK.  Can't I just ask you though?"

"Of course, I just meant... oh, you're asking me now aren't you."

"That was the general idea."

"Sorry, I guess I'm just more used to talking with Leon than with adults."

"It's OK, I'll leave the offer open, you can come back to me whenever you
want."

"No, I mean, yes, beer would be great.  I'm just not sure about going out,
I don't have anyone to look after Leon so..."

"No-one?"

I briefly considered all of the people I knew best that lived anywhere
near.  The closest to a possibility was Helen.  She's a really nice woman,
and a great friend.  But could I imagine her taking care of my son while I
went out for a drink?  Hell no.

"Actually, no."

"Damn, we need to get you some new friends!  But until then I'm sure Rachel
would be happy to do it."

"Your sister Rachel?  Really?  She doesn't even really know me."

"Sure she does, but why don't you and Leon come for dinner this weekend.
She'd love to meet you properly and I think the two of you will get on
well."

"Are you sure?"

And what does that mean?  Am I being set up with his sister?  The guy was
always so vague.

"Definitely, I'll talk to her tonight and confirm details with you later."

"OK, thanks Joel."

"Any time."

I turn to look for Leon, conscious of the time.

"Leon, c'mon, we have to get going if you want to go to football."

He started to run towards me.

"Football huh?"

Joel was still stood next to me.

"Yeah, he said he wanted to try it.  It's totally not my thing, but if he's
interested then I guess that's all that matters."

Leon had arrived and was now pulling my hand to try and hurry me along, as
if I hadn't been waiting for him for ten minutes.

"OK, looks like we're going, let me know about Saturday."

"Will do, have fun at football."

That seemed unlikely.  I drove over to the club where there were plenty of
other parents takings their kids for the taster session.  Lots of Dad's
with their sons, which made me feel ever so slightly like a fraud.  Not
that I'm not a real Dad, but I'm not quite like them.  Some of them were
pretty fit too, which wasn't particularly helpful.  Soon enough I found
myself watching as Leon played some indoor five-a-side, whilst I leaned
against the barrier with the other parents.  To be fair, calling it
football was a gross exaggeration, but maybe as close a three and four year
olds get.  Some parents were excessively enthusiastic, competitive even,
whilst others were clearly bored.  I was closer to bored, but happy that
Leon seemed to be enjoying himself and was talking with some of the other
kids too.  A few of the other Dads broke off into a typical man
conversation about football, unsurprisingly enough, which I didn't get
involved in.  Firstly, I know basically nothing about football, and
secondly, I didn't really know how to handle it.  So I kept mostly to
myself, chatting politely but briefly with anyone who made the first
conversational move.  It was becoming abundantly clear to me that I really
had to find a way to deal with this.  I'm not actually an anti-social guy,
quite the opposite, but I didn't know how to be Leon's Dad and be the
openly gay easy going fun guy I used to be at the same time.  Quite apart
from anything else, how was I supposed to manage that with Leon?  He thinks
I'm basically the best Dad in the world, which is flattering, even if it's
wrong.  How do I explain to him that his Dad isn't like the other Dads at
school, or at football?  Without any planning I'd found myself living in
the real world, and it was much more difficult that the pseudo-reality of
working and living solely in the theatre world.  It was too complicated, so
I did what any normal guy would do and I avoided it.  I knew it wasn't
really going to just go away, but the longer I could delay it the better.

Leon was super tired after playing football so was early going to bed,
although not tired enough to forgo the two stories we had to read.  He
likes it best when I do the voices for all the different characters and
laughs at me hysterically when I forget which voice I've arbitrarily
assigned to which character and get it wrong.  Sometimes I'm not sure which
of us enjoys the bedtime stories the most.  He probably likes the actually
stories more than I do, but I definitely enjoy the time we spend reading
them.

I sat on the sofa with a beer, idly flicking through TV channels, when my
phone vibrated.  It was switched to silent, as it is for 90% of the time.
A message from Joel.

`Hi, dinner sorted for 6:00pm on Saturday'

`Great, thanks'

How had this happened?  It was a perfectly nice, friendly, and helpful
gesture, so why was I trying to find reasons to back out?

`Come earlier if you want.  How was football?'

And now this.  Casual conversation, what next?  And why do I find myself
repeatedly starting to type an answer and the deleting it?  I started
again, convincing myself that I was actually going to send it this time,
but was interrupted by my phone vibrating much more persistently.  As the
caller name flashed up my heart sank a little.  Some things just weren't
worth trying to avoid, like tidal waves or nuclear explosions, by the time
you see it it's almost certainly too late to worry.

"Hey Ma."

"No, I know, still not American, just doing it to annoy you."

I don't remember how it had started, but knowing how disproportionately
irritating she found it just seemed to keep it funny.

"Yeah.  So how are you?"

"And Dad?"

"Yeah I'm good Ma.  And Leon, you remember him right?  My son, your
grandson, he's good too."

"Yes, *still* here."

"We've been through this.  He's really my son.  If you would just come down
here and see him then you'll see for yourself."

Predictably this bought me a few minutes of just having to listen to stuff
I was now very used to hearing, so I got myself a beer while I waited.

"It's not a lifestyle choice Ma!  One day you're just going to have to
accept it.  But I still think you should come and meet your only grandson."

Truly, the woman is infuriating.  I'm 22 years old, and I came out to her,
and everyone, when I was 14.  By then I'd known for a really long time and
it wasn't a big deal to me.  Yet still, she talks about it as if I'm just
going through a phase.  We had some serious arguments when I told her about
Leon.  She was, and probably still is convinced that I'm unable to raise a
kid whilst making the `lifestyle choice' to be gay.  It's even more
annoying that I love her anyway.

"So are you going to come and see us?"

"Any day, just tell me when."

"Yeah, of course, let me know when you're not too busy then."

"Tell Dad I love him."

She won't, neither of them use words as emotionally charged as `love'.

"OK then, love you Ma."

"Bye."

She didn't seem to want anything in particular, just calling to ensure I
remembered what a failure I am and will continue to be.  So touching.  It
wasn't even ten minutes, but she managed to make it feel so much longer.  I
looked back to my phone, which had reverted to the last message from Joel,
and my half typed not sent reply.  I deleted what I'd started to write.
Then I realised I was probably being stupid and over-thinking the whole
thing, but still didn't reply, choosing to go to bed instead, alone, just
like every other night for the last 6 months.

Some time around three in the morning I woke up as I heard Leon's door
open, and moments later he was climbing in to my bed.  I don't know how he
does it, he seems to be asleep again within seconds, and I'm wide awake
worrying about what's woken him up, or scared him, or whatever else might
have happened for him to need me in the middle of the night.  Whatever it
is, it seems to be solved by sleeping next to me.  Although that is more
generous than reality, he's not a restful kid, always tossing and turning,
usually ending up laying in some crazy angle across the bed, whether or not
I'm in the way.  I worry about what it must be like in his head, and feel
totally useless when all I can do is cuddle him, and tell him I love him,
hoping that he feels safe.  Yeah, this isn't the kind of bedtime contact I
was missing, but in its own way was just as rewarding.  Sort of.  OK, not
at all as much fun in any way, but it also seemed to preclude any more fun
activities with guys like Joel.  Not that there were any guys like Joel.
Even at the time it struck me as an odd moment to have the realisation,
there really hadn't ever been any guys like Joel before.  I couldn't
identify exactly what it was, or wasn't, that made him different, but there
was definitely something.

Morning arrived a little too soon for my liking, but none the less we went
through our usual school day routine, which was mostly filled with me doing
everything and feeling busy, whilst Leon appeared to drift through somehow
being ready for school in time with very little effort.  I know, I'm the
adult, he's a kid, I'm supposed to be doing everything.  I'm just still not
great at mornings.  But, it was Friday, so the weekend was close.  Tomorrow
would be Saturday, and whatever dinner with Rachel and Andre, and Joel of
course, would mean.  I hadn't told Leon about it until Saturday morning
whilst we were making breakfast.  Weekend breakfast was usually more
relaxed than school day breakfasts, so we have time to make pancakes or
waffles or eggs or whatever Leon feels like really.  After we'd had a very
long conversation one morning about why I wasn't going to make roast beef
for breakfast he usually opted for waffles.  I wish it was pancakes because
they are much easier to make, but it's mostly not.

We had some things to do in town, Leon needed some new shoes, and then we
went to the library to get some new books.  He seemed to get through
clothes and books at an alarming rate, but at least you can borrow the
books for free.  The shoe shopping didn't take long, Leon isn't really
interested so it's easy.  Books, on the other hand, take significantly
longer.  His favourite librarian was working as usual, so she spent a very
long time helping him choose what to read next.  I'm sure he has a better
social life than I do, the kid who barely speaks to adults definitely had
better adult relationships than I did.  By the time we got home he must
have asked me at least a hundred times if it was time to go to Andre's
house yet.  I texted Joel to check we wouldn't be too early, and in doing
so reminded myself of our last, unfinished text chat.  He's going to think
I'm a rude uninterested idiot.  Maybe the idiot part is close.  He said it
would be fine, so after lunch we walked over.  I picked up a bunch of
flowers on the way, I don't know if Rachel is a flowers type of woman, but
it's rude to turn up empty handed.

Leon headed straight past her and off into the house as if he owned the
place, leaving me stood in the doorway.  Rachel was actually really nice
and it was easy chatting to her for a few minutes.  Joel appeared from the
kitchen a moment later and surprised me with a hug.  I mean, it was nice,
real nice, but still surprising.  The three of us sat downstairs, where it
quickly became apparent that Joel had told her everything he knew about me
already.  Rachel was actually a really interesting woman, and we talked a
lot about art and architecture and things like that, we had quite a bit in
common.  It was a weird experience, talking with her was so easy and
interesting, and yet, all I really wanted to do was talk with Joel.  There
was more than one or two moments when I caught them looking at each other
in ways that I couldn't decipher.

Joel said he had to go and finish preparing dinner, and Rachel went off to
`check on the boys'.

"You can give Joel a hand in the kitchen" she said as she left.

I had no idea if this was a carefully crafted piece of stage management or
just one of those things that happen.  But I could definitely give Joel a
hand, and a whole lot more in the kitchen.  But she didn't acknowledge the
double entendre.  I walked in to the kitchen where Joel was busily
preparing what appeared to be enough food for twenty people.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"Oh, hey, no I think I'm about done, you want a beer?"

"Sure, just one won't hurt."

He grabbed a couple of bottles from the fridge and we were then stood
slightly too close to each other.  Or at least, closer than guys usually
stand to each other.  I could feel the heat from his body, and smell him.
He smelt good, I must find out what that aftershave was.  Our arms
occasionally brushed against each other as we stood drinking and chatting,
and more than once I lost track of what we were talking about due to being
too distracted by him.  He was wearing a t-shirt in his apparently regular
`just a little bit small' size, which showed off his toned arms perfectly.
And his jeans, grey this time, were again tight in all the right places,
displaying an amazing ass and very pleasing bulge.  It's hard to
concentrate when faced with dreamlike things like this.

I found myself sat opposite Joel for dinner, and it was genuinely great to
be having normal, grown up conversations, whilst Leon and Andre were
absorbed in their own little world at the end of the table.  And then,
normality turned to awkward nightmarishness.

"So Connor, can I ask..." Rachel started, and you just know that an opening
like that means that they are going to ask anyway, and it's going to be one
of those awkward types of questions.

"...I mean, I know his Mum isn't around, so are you seeing anyone?"

Wow, talk about getting straight to the point.

"Oh, well, no, I've been kind of busy, you know."

"Yeah, of course, I just wondered, you know, if there was anyone special."

Was she asking for herself?  Doesn't she know I'm gay?  Hadn't Joel told
her?  Oh wait, no, because I don't have a big sign above my head and I
haven't told him.  Why not?  Hell, this was going to be beyond awkward.

"No, not exactly."

Why?  Why did I have to say that?  Just say `no' and leave it at that.  But
I hadn't.

"Oh?  So there might be someone?"

"Yeah, I guess there might be.  Honestly I don't know at the minute.  It's
complicated."

"Why is it complicated?"

Now it was Joel asking, and he sounded more intense that I had expected.  I
tried to choose my words carefully, unsure of what game, if any, we were
now playing.  I glanced to Leon, who didn't seem to be paying us any
attention.

"Well, I don't know how they feel, or even if they're interested.  And if
they are, I still don't know how I'd manage being in a relationship now
I've got Leon."

"Oh?"  It was back to Rachel, which was a relief.

"Being a Dad is still really new to me, and it's hard enough.  Being in a
new relationship as well, I guess I worry that it might be too difficult.
And I don't know how Leon would be with it, he's had enough crazy for his
whole life already."

"Yes, of course, I can see that.  But don't let your life disappear
Connor."

"No, I know, and I won't.  Maybe it's just a bit too scary right now, and
it would be a lot for someone to take on wouldn't it, a single Dad."

This, this is the precise moment where I could, and probably should have
stopped talking and moved on to a less personal topic.  It's also,
naturally, the moment when I carried in talking.  Why?  Because it was just
too bizarre and stupid to let things go on like they were.

"But you never know, there might be someone.  He'd have to be pretty
special though."

There, it was out there, sitting in the middle of the table, metaphorically
at least, to be brushed to one side and never mentioned again, talked
around and avoided for the rest of dinner, or quietly assimilated into the
melee of our wide and varied conversation.  As a gay man I'm very used to
how this works.  I'm aware of it, every single time.  There was a pause.
The briefest of pauses, which you could have easily missed and just assumed
to be a conversational lull.  But it was there, and in it, there was a
look.  Another indecipherable look between Rachel and Joel.  And then
things moved on, or not, as the case may be.  Rachel broke the momentary
silence, and did so in a smooth and confident tone.

"So the 'maybe' guy, is he special enough do you think?"

"Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure he is."

I couldn't stop my glance towards Joel, although I wished I had done as I
met his eyes looking directly at me.

"So what's stopping you finding out?"

"It's complicated" I said, gesturing towards Leon.

"Oh, right, he doesn't know?"

I didn't feel at all comfortable having this conversation in front of Leon.

"No, he doesn't, not yet."

"And that's all that's stopping you?"

"Yes, well, I think so anyway."

"You want another beer?  I'm getting one, do you want one?"

Both Rachel and I watched Joel as he left the table and went out to the
kitchen, I guess for different reasons.  When I looked to her she had
obviously seen me watching him too.  She smiled and didn't say anything.
Joel was back a minute later and I deliberately moved the conversation away
from me.  It worked, for a while anyway.  We made it through the rest of
dinner, including an amazing chocolate cake for dessert without any further
exploration of my love life or lack thereof.  Andre and Leon were quickly
restless, wanting to get back to whatever they were playing beforehand.

"I'll finish tidying up here.  Why don't you two guys go and sit in the
lounge?"

To say things were awkward would be a significant understatement, as we sat
at either end of a large sofa, neither of us knowing what to say first.  At
least that was my best guess at what was happening.  In reality it was
probably only a few seconds, but it felt longer.

"So this guy" Joel began, "does he know how you feel?"

"I don't know, but I think he's starting to work it out."

"You haven't talked to him about this?"

"Not exactly."

This was so crushingly weird and awkward.  How has I ended up talking to
the guy I wanted about himself but being all teenage-angsty third person
about it?

"Then I think you should tell him, really clearly, what's going on for
you."

"Yeah?  Do you think he'd be interested in a slightly complicated single
Dad?"

"He'd be stupid not to be.  In fact, I think he'd be more than interested."

With perfectly terrible timing Andre came crashing through the room,
closely followed by Leon.  They were pirates, apparently.  I'm not entirely
sure when pirates used lightsabers, but maybe I missed that lesson in
school.  The tension that I had been feeling was broken, but so also was
the moment for doing or saying anything about it further.  I felt more like
an embarrassed awkward teenager than a relatively grown man, and soon made
a polite but faster than needed exit with Leon, feeling guilty about
blatantly using him as an excuse - although he was getting tired.  As we
were leaving, having already thanked Rachel, Joel caught my arm, bringing
me to a stop in front of him.

"Connor, I think you're doing an amazing job with Leon and any guy would be
lucky to be part of your family."

The sincerity in his eyes and his voice was impossible to ignore, and
consequently somewhat overwhelming.  A family?  I'd never thought of the
two of us as a family before, and it was a lot of emotions to try and
process all at the same time.  And with Joel too?  I didn't cry, but there
was a definite lump in my throat.  I looked into his eyes, searching for
some way to make sense of how I could make this ever work with Leon and
finding nothing.  So I turned away and left.  Leon was quiet on the way
home, which was both a good and bad thing, as it left me with the
opportunity to overthink the whole situation.  After our regular bedtime
routine I looked down at him as he went to sleep and silently clarified
what I already sort of knew.  Whatever the future might be, whoever I might
want to be in it, it would have to be on the condition that Leon was OK
with it.

Sunday breakfast was yet another routine for us, only this time it was
somewhat easier for me as it meant we walked down the road to Georgio's.
My previous almost daily visit was now mostly a weekly thing, and as usual,
Leon had totally usurped me as the centre of attention.  We sat by the
window as Georgio made a big fuss around Leon, and I watched the world go
past outside.  Deciding that this was as good a time as any, I interrupted
a lengthy conversation with Leon about dinosaurs - a subject that he
already knew more about than me by a long way, and asked him the question
that I couldn't avoid.

"Leon, you know Andre's uncle, Joel?"

I got a nod, he was eating.

"Do you like him?"

"Yes."

One of the many things I love about Leon is his complete lack of censoring
his responses.  His look was one of `yes, but what a stupid question, why
are you so weird Dad?'.

"Good, so, if I was friends with Joel, that would be OK?"

I know, I know, I don't want to be friends with Joel, or at least not
*just* friends, but it was a concept I knew he would understand.  I'd
learnt that playground politics of being friends with someone, or not, is a
big part of being at school.

"Yes."

His apparent indifference was reassuring.  I know that I couldn't avoid a
more taxing conversation with him forever, but he doesn't need to know
everything right away.  But there was still a problem.  I'd effectively
ruled out the supposed thing that was holding me back, so why wasn't I
feeling relieved?  Why was I looking for the next reason to not take things
any further with Joel?

We spent a very fun Sunday afternoon down at the beach, not that it was
especially warm or even sunny, but the weather was nice enough and we just
sort of hung out there.  When I checked my phone I had a missed call from
Joel and immediately felt bad because I knew I wasn't going to call him
back.  I felt the short vibrations of a message alert during bedtime
reading with Leon, but managed to put off reading it until Leon was off to
sleep.  I'd only just sat down and he was calling me again.  Seriously,
what's wrong with the guy?  I thought about not answering, but chances were
I'd be seeing him in a day or two anyway so avoidance seemed futile.  I
had, honestly, resolved to answer it this time, but my voicemail cut in as
I picked up the phone, so I didn't get chance.  I could have called him
back, obviously, but opted to message him instead.

`Hey'

`Hi - thought you were ignoring me :) `

`Sry just been busy'

`Oh OK'

There was a pause for thirty seconds or so, which gave me time to reflect
on how ridiculous this was getting.  Even messaging was becoming strained.
My phone buzzed again.

`Can we talk?'

`Sure, what about?'

`Can I come over?'

`OK'

I was going to change my T-shirt but didn't have time because within a
minute the doorbell rang, he must have been well on his way towards me
already.  I opened the door and he followed me through to the lounge.  I
got a couple of beers and we sat on the sofa and I noted how we had
basically recreated the moment from Saturday night, although my sofa was
smaller so we were much closer.

"So I thought maybe we should talk... or at least I should."

"Yeah, maybe.  About what exactly?"

I both hoped and feared that I knew what, but nothing seemed that clear to
me in the moment.

"Connor, the thing is, I mean, it's like this.  I want it to be me.  The
guy, the `maybe' guy, I think it's me, and if it's not, I want it to be me
anyway because whoever else it is is probably just not as amazing as I am."

"Wow.  OK."

"OK?  OK what?"

"OK."

I needed a few seconds before I could formulate a proper response.

"I like you Joel, and you seem like a really great guy, but..."

"Ohhhh shit, I've got this all wrong haven't I."

"Will you just shut up for a minute?  I just don't know how to do this any
more.  It's not like it used to be, I've got Leon now, and it's a whole new
thing.  I don't want him to get hurt or confused about what's happening, so
I've got to be totally sure."

"And you're not sure?  About the guy, or me, or whoever it is?"

"Of course it's you."

"So what can I do to make you sure?"

I put my hand on his leg, just above his knee.  It was a subconscious move
on my part, at least initially.  He felt tight, like he was really well
toned.  At least that's what I found myself imagining.

"I don't know."

It was the honest truth.  I couldn't figure out all of the ways in which I
was scared about this, so finding a solution seemed even less likely.  Joel
looked rejected, which made me feel even worse.  It's not as if I didn't
want to make it work.  But I couldn't risk Joel coming in to our lives and
becoming important for us then to all mess up and him be gone again.  Time
was I wouldn't have ever been thinking so far ahead.  But whilst I could
probably deal with that situation, it wasn't fair to Leon.  If someone new
is coming in to our family, then he needs to be staying.  Joel hadn't said
anything, leaving the way forward down to me.

"Maybe, we could just take things slowly?  And Leon doesn't need to know
yet.  Is that even a fair thing to ask of you?"


Joel didn't say anything, it he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
Suddenly we were so close, I could feel the warmth radiating from him, and
the sensation of his lips on my skin didn't fade away entirely.  It had
been so long, which is a lazy excuse but still true.  His face was right in
front of my own as his eyes searched mine, although I didn't know what for.
Then he kissed me again, properly.  It had definitely been too long, as I
surrendered to the need, and the pleasure of being intimate with someone.
His hand slid up under my T-shirt causing me to moan as I pulled him
closer, shifting around so that he was more on top of me.  His other hand
was stroking my face whilst I was feeling his apparently very well defined
body as we ground against each other.  This wasn't really the kind of thing
I had in mind when I said "slow", but it was just too enjoyable to stop.
Six months is a really long time to go without this kind of human contact.
My head was already racing, much as my pulse was doing.  How far could I
let this go?  As enjoyable as it was, and as horny as I was feeling, sex
was probably not a good idea if I really did want to take things slowly.
But sex with Joel?  All signs pointed to that being a very fun time.

The intense screaming dragged me immediately out of the beginning of that
fantasy, with a pitch that was exquisitely designed to trigger every kind
of adrenaline response my body is capable of.  I had no idea what was
happening but pushed Joel up and away from me so that I could stand up.  It
was confusing for a second, as I saw Leon going totally full on crazy,
screaming at and hitting Joel.  What the fuck?  Joel had put out his hands,
although I'm sure Leon wasn't actually hurting him, and stood up next to me
looking equally confused.  Leon transformed from angry fighting demon to
terrified baby within about a second.  The screaming didn't stop.  I looked
and felt all over him, and there was no sign of any kind of injury, no
knife protruding from his head or missing limbs.  The logic that if he had
become miraculously seriously injured whilst sleeping he would probably be
unable to walk into the lounge wasn't functioning for me.  So I held him
close to me and he clung on as if we were on the edge of a cliff.  After
ten minutes of me hugging him, kissing him, and telling him that everything
is OK he had calmed down slightly, but was still crying.  I couldn't work
out if he was angry or scared or both.  About what was as much of a
mystery.  I had carried him in to his bedroom and sat on his bed, thinking
hat this was the most familiar and hopefully safest place he knew.  I kept
looking around, but there was just nothing I could see that was wrong or
even out of place.  Another fifteen minutes and Leon was finally almost
calm.  The whole episode had only been twenty five minutes, which I know is
not actually a long time.  But it's a lifetime when your feeling so totally
useless and powerless.  The only thing I wanted was to make everything
better for him, but I didn't even know what was wrong.  My first real test
if being a Dad, and I was totally failing.  Leon was at least quieter, but
still not ready to let go of me.  At least there was some progress.  Joel
came to see if we were OK, but this seemed to make things much worse again.
My very slow brain finally found the beginning of an understanding.  It was
Joel.  I told him to leave because I didn't know what else to do and I
closed the bedroom door.  Finally I was able to get Leon to talk to me,
which whilst good in the sense that we found a resolution, was also the
most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do.  He had woken up and heard
someone else in the flat talking with me and came to see what was
happening.  To be fair, this was unusual.  But what he found was Joel and
me getting it on on the sofa, and in Leon's world he thought that Joel was
trying to hurt me.  What had this poor kid witnessed before for that to be
his assumption?  His mother has so much to answer for.  So I tried to have
a conversation with him, and explained that Joel was never going to hurt
Daddy, and he would never hurt Leon either.  In fact, no-one was ever going
to hurt us.  I know it was a bold claim that I couldn't ever hope to
substantiate, but such trivialities don't need to be considered when you're
a kid.  I stayed with him until he was fast asleep again, and then some
more because it was just so fucking tragically sad.

When I finally left Leon it was late and Joel had gone.  I had hoped he
might have stayed around despite me telling him to go, but why would he do
that?  My phone was still on the floor by the sofa, there were several
messages from Joel.  I badly wanted to talk to him, but I also hated him a
tiny bit for what had just happened.  Even though I know that he absolutely
did nothing whatsoever wrong, it was still how I felt.  And I missed him
already.  Feeling tired I couldn't work out what I wanted to say to him, so
I said nothing and went to bed.  Actually I slept with Leon that night.  I
convinced myself that it would make him feel better, safer.  But it was
just as much for my own benefit.

In the morning things were back to, or at least close to normal.  I tried
to find a balance between acknowledging what had happened and behaving as
if nothing had happened, although Leon seemed much better at that than I
felt I was.  We settled back in to our regular routines, until Wednesday
morning.  Joel was on the playground dropping off Andre when we got to
school.  Leon stood behind me, hanging on to my leg.  I crouched down and
told for about the millionth time that it was gong to be OK, Joel and Daddy
are friends, no one is going to hurt us.  I'll tell him as many times as he
wants or needs to hear it.  Joel looked over towards me, and I shook my
head, hoping that he'd get the message to not come over.  Leon cautiously
wandered off, but kept looking over towards me until the teacher rang the
bell to signal the start of school.  Once Leon was safely inside I walked
over to Joel.  It was more like we'd never met before than I liked.  He was
dressed for work, but insisted that he had time to come back with me for
coffee and to talk about what had happened.  Stood in the kitchen, I'd
finished explaining the whole situation and we were silently looking at
each other.  He was hard to read, and I was wrestling between asking him to
leave and asking him to stay.  In both cases, it was because of how I felt
about him.  I wanted him, physically and emotionally, and I could easily
imagine our perfect together-forever future.  But I couldn't find a path to
get there.  If Joel hadn't have made the first move we could easily still
be stood there in silence looking at each other, metaphorically at least.
He put down his empty mug.

"So?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I should probably be going."

"Oh, right, yeah, of course."

"Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to decide what you want."

He stepped closer to me as he continued to talk.

"But I know what I want, I've known for a while now, but you have to want
it too."

It wasn't exactly a surprise, since I could see perfectly well what was
going to happen, but I wasn't prepared for the emotional intensity.  We
were kissing, without hesitation or restraint, and it was good.  Really
good.  His stubble against my face and neck only adding to the sensual
overload.  I ended up pressed back against the counter, one hand on the
back of his head, the other on his arse, pulling us as close together as I
could.  My jeans were doing a slightly better job at restraining the
evidence of my horny body's response, his suit trousers less so.  And as
much as my body wanted to push him into my bedroom and fuck, my brain
wasn't on board, instead opting to push wave after wave of guilt towards
me.  It was like I was somehow cheating on Leon, putting my own desires
before his needs.

"Don't you have to go to work?"

"Yeah, sadly."

He leaned back ever so slightly, so we could look at each other properly as
we spoke.

"Like I said, you have to choose Connor."

Joel left, and I spent the rest of the morning trying to work out how I was
supposed to make decisions about this stuff.  He had made things perfectly
clear, he was interested, more than interested.  And so was I, if only I
could stop feeling as though I was ruining my son's life in the process.
I'm not saying it was a rational response to the situation, but it is the
thing that was stopping me.

I met Helen for our at least weekly lunch.  We had chatted about this and
that, and nothing in particular.

"OK, so if you're not going to tell me what's really going on, how about
this, there's a touring production in rehearsals at the moment and I happen
to know that they need a lighting designer.  It's short notice, they start
the tour in two and a half weeks."

"What?  Why?"

"Use your words Con darling."

"You know I can't work like I used to now there's Leon."

"You can work daytimes, it will be fine."

"Why is it such short notice?  They should be in final rehearsals by now,
it should all be done."

"I think it was 'artistic differences', you know how it can be."

"Great, the Director is a psycho.  Thanks Helen that's exactly what I've
been waiting for."

"They'll pay well.  And they know your work, I'm sure you'd get the job if
you want it."

"Maybe.  If they really can live with daytime only."

"Excellent!  They'll be so relieved."

"What?"

"What?"

"What have you promised them?"

I'd known Helen for long enough to know when she was evading.

"Nothing.  Except maybe that David should give you a call this evening."

"Helen!"

"Oh stop it, you've got nothing better to do have you?  Or have you?  What
am I missing?"

I have her a look, it didn't work.

"Fine.  I'll tell him you'd love to but you're too busy. As long as you
tell me what's really going on with you.  Man trouble I'm guessing?  Do you
need a better queueing system?"

"Hardly."

"Oh, Con, is it Giles?  I know the ballet company are back in London, are
you getting back together?"

"Hell no."

Although I didn't know the company was back in the country and hearing his
name was enough to throw me off guard.  At six months he was the closest
thing I'd ever had to a proper relationship.  A ballet dancer, of all
things.  Cute and fit and funny and, oh yeah, massively needy, self centred
and working as many hours as I was but not in the same places.  It was a
car crash from beginning to end really, but the sex was great.  And then I
found myself comparing Joel to Giles.  He was nicer, more normal, here,
interested in me not just himself, and the biggest difference of all, I
wanted to be with him.

"Why?  Don't you miss him?"

"No.  Maybe I miss the idea of him, but not the reality."

"So who is it really?"

"It's no one."

This was technically a lie, obviously, but Helen let it go, for the time
being at least.  I left lunch with her just in time to get to school and
pick up Leon.  Rachel was there to pick up Andre, and as nice as it was
chatting with her, I knew that I was really feeling disappointed that it
wasn't Joel.  The rest of the afternoon and evening was uneventfully dull.
If you don't know yourself, the thing that no-one ever really says about
having a kid is that is incredibly repetitive and boring.  I love him more
than I ever thought was possible, but that doesn't make life permanently
enjoyable.  Answering the endless questions, and talking about banal shit
is absolutely part of the job, but it gets real boring sometimes.  When
Leon was safely in bed and asleep I decided to call Joel.  I had to stop
fucking around and just sort this out, or walk away from it.  And yes, I
was aware of the fact that I was starting to mentally segregate my time
between Leon and Joel, keeping them as separate as I could.  This wasn't
good, or sustainable.  He answered and I very briefly regretted calling
him, but it was too late.

`Hello'

"Hey Joel, it's Connor."

`Yeah, I worked that out.  What's up?'

"Have you got time to talk?"

`For you, always.'

"Good.  So..."

I really should think a bit more about what I want to say before I start
these things.

`You know that most people use word, right?  If you're miming it's no good,
I can't see you.'

"Yeah, sorry.  So the thing is, I want to try and make this work."

`Great.'

"But it has to be slow.  Like, properly slow."

`OK.'

"And Leon has to be OK with it."

`Of course.'

"So maybe we should go on a date."

`OK?'

"I mean, the three of us.  I don't know if this is a stupid idea or what,
but I want the three of us to spend some proper time together."

`OK?'

"You think I'm being crazy don't you.  It's OK, you can say no.  But this
is all I can think of that might have any chance of working.  I thought I
could protect him from anyone in my life until I was certain, but that's
stupid, because he has to be involved, so we may as well start with that."

`No, actually, I think it's kind of a cool idea.  And a little weird, but
OK.'

"Really?"

`Really.  Although last time he didn't seem too excited by the idea of me.'

"Yeah, well, I'm working on that.  So I was thinking maybe this weekend?"

`Sure, where do you want to go?'

"That's up to you.  Surprise us."

`So no pressure then.'

"Maybe just a little."

`No, it's cool.  I'll let you know where to meet me.'

When I ended the call I wasn't sure if I was feeling relieved, more nervous
than ever, or excited about the possibility.  Perhaps a bit of all three.

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