Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:50:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: justinr_88@yahoo.com
Subject: Love is All that Matters chapter 11

Do not read further if you are not of legal age to do so.
All the usual disclaimers and copyright laws apply. "Love is
All that Matters" is the second book of the "Doing Hard
Time" saga.


LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS
~ Chapter 11 ~



From the Narrative of Harrison Ridgeway IV:

I went into Josh's parents' bedroom. Mom was sitting on the
bed.

"Where's Josh?" I asked.

"Oh, he went to make coffee."

I laughed. That seemed to be what Josh did every time I saw
him.

"He's quite enthusiastic about coffee-making now that he
runs a caf‚. I remember a time when I'd have to pour his
concoctions down the toilet."

Mom smiled. "Did you know then?"

I shook my head. "I wasn't sure . . . or maybe I was too
scared to admit it. But he knew."

"Is that why you fought all those years ago?" Mom asked
gently.

I nodded and hung my head. When I remembered how badly I'd
treated Josh, I wondered how it was possible for him to
still love me.

"Harrison, were you scared because of your father? Because
you knew how he felt about homosexuals?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"But to hide it, all this while -"

"No, Mom, I wanted Dad to be proud of me. It didn't matter
what I wanted."

Mom stared at me, puzzled. "Harrison, it's your life. Of
course your feelings mattered. I don't understand why you're
always this way about your father. Alistair didn't deserve a
wonderful son like you. Anyone else would have hit him
back."


"Harry wouldn't do that." I looked up suddenly when I heard
Josh's voice. He was leaning against the doorway and looking
at me pityingly. There was something in his tone that
worried me. I had the sickening feeling he was about to tell
her everything he knew. I shook my head warningly at him.

Mom looked at me, then at Josh and back to me. "What's going
on?" she asked, confused.

"Mom, it's nothing -"

Josh cut in. "Harry, you need to tell her the truth. You
can't just keep it to yourself. What he did to you -"

"He's my father!" I yelled at him. "He has every right to do
whatever he wants to me."

Mom had turned pale. "What are you talking about, Harrison?"

I didn't reply. I cursed myself for my stupid outburst.

"I'll tell her if you don't want to, Harry."

"Josh, no," I made the only threat I could think of. "I
swear I'll never talk to you again."

Josh looked pained. I knew I'd made the worst possible
threat to him, but I couldn't let him tell Mom. But it was
already too late.

"Harrison, what did your father do to you?!" Mom shook my
shoulder hysterically. "What are you hiding from me?" I
racked my brains for a reasonable answer but my mind was
blank. The shame and terror had taken control of my
thoughts.

She turned to Josh. "Joshua, you'll tell me."

He stared at her for a moment, and then spoke. "I'm sorry,
Harry, but she has to know. I don't want you to be mad at me
but this is the only way. You have to realize what he did to
you was wrong."

Despairingly I put my head in my hands. I heard the dreaded
words.

"Aunt Marcia, I don't think this is the first time Harry's
father has hit him."

Mom stared at me in shock. She choked, "That's not - that's
not possible . . . is it?"

I couldn't reply. Damn Josh! How could he do this to me?


"Harrison, tell me!" She shook me again, but I didn't say a
word.

"I wasn't sure at first, Aunt Marcia. Harry was always
reluctant to change in front of people, even if it was only
me. But there were times - when we went for our midnight
swims in the ocean . . . I guess he thought it was too dark
for me to see, but I could."

"Could see what?" Mom's voice was getting higher pitched.

"The bruises on his back."

Mom was horrified. "Harrison, your father didn't -"

I couldn't face her. "He punished me for making mistakes.
That's all, Mom."

"How -" Mom's voice broke. "How many times has this
happened? And I didn't know?"

I couldn't take this any more. I wrenched myself from Mom's
grip and ran from the room. As I passed Josh he reached out
to grab me but I pushed him aside.

"Harry, wait!" I heard Josh call out as he chased me. I
didn't get very far; he soon had me pinned against the wall
in the hallway.

"Harry, please, we need to talk about this." I slid down the
wall until I was hunched on the floor. I could feel the
tears flowing down my cheeks. Josh kneeled down in front of
me.

"You're not going to try and run?" he asked.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why couldn't you just leave
it alone?" I pummeled him repeatedly on his chest. He didn't
try to stop me but wrapped his arms around me instead. I
struggled briefly against his embrace, but he held me tight.

"Harry, what your father did to you was inexcusable. You had
to realize that. You had to face up to it if you want to
move on with your life."

"You don't even know -"

"I guessed, Harry. I suspected it a long time ago, but every
time I brought up your father, you would go on the
defensive."

"He's my father." I said hoarsely. There was a crash from
inside the bedroom. My heart stopped for a second.


"Oh no! Mom!" I got up and rushed back into the bedroom,
with Josh following closely behind.

I was relieved that Mom had only knocked over her handbag,
spilling its contents on the floor. Out of breath, she
gasped, "Harrison, my pills."

I quickly spotted them lying on the floor and gave them to
her. I was about to ask Josh for some water, when he handed
her the coffee cup. Mom swallowed the pills with a swig of
coffee while I rounded on a guilty-stricken Josh.

"You son of a bitch! Didn't you know what would happen to
Mom when -"

Mom wheezed. "Don't . call your . boyfriend . names,
Harrison." I was tempted to roll my eyes, but the
seriousness of the situation stopped me. Mom tried to get
her breathing under control.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Mom, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters! Harrison, why didn't you tell me?"

I said quietly, "Dad told me I'd be to blame if you had
another anxiety attack."

"He blackmailed you into not telling me?"

"Mom, it wasn't like that."

"When did it start?"

"Mom . . ."

"Tell me, Harrison!"

"After Phoebe went to medical school." That was the year I
started high school - when I first met Josh. I was silent.

"What happened then?" It was Josh who prompted me. I felt
hatred well up inside me. Why did he have to go and dredge
up all this now?

I looked down as I spoke. "Phoebe used to protect me. She'd
take the blame for my mistakes. Dad wouldn't get mad at her,
because she was his golden child. But when she went to
medical school . . ."

"There wasn't anyone to protect you," said Mom softly. She
cried, "I've failed you as a mother, Harrison. "


"Mom, it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I was the one who
made mistakes."

"He had no right to hit you!"

"Dad only wanted the best for me."

"Harry, you - lunatic!"

I glared at Josh. "There's no other word for it," he said
apologetically. "But you don't seem to see what he did was
wrong."

"No! Stop saying these horrible things about my father!" I
shouted at him.

Mom said suddenly, "He's not the one you should get angry
at. Josh is right about Alistair - he is a worse man than I
thought."

"What?" I stared at her. I couldn't believe Mom would say
such things.

"He was always good at getting his way, at manipulating
people . . . otherwise he wouldn't have made a good
politician. But I never realized he would take advantage of
his own son."

"He didn't!"

"Harrison, don't be dense. Alistair knew how desperately you
wanted to please him. He didn't want the best for you; he
wanted the best for himself. I never knew until now the
lengths to which he'd go to achieve his selfish ends."

I was confused. If it had been Josh saying nasty things
about my father I probably would have hit him. But it was
Mom. I loved my mother, more than my father. But she was
wrong about Dad . . . wasn't she?

I thought about the time when I'd gotten into a fight with
another student during my junior year at high school. He'd
said something less than polite about my mother, and it had
quickly turned into an all-out brawl. The principal called
my father to her office. He'd been apologetic, smiling and
assuring her it wouldn't happen again.

When we got home, he told me how I'd disgraced by making him
step into the principal's office, before taking out his
belt. I didn't do anything, not even to justify why I'd
gotten into the fight in the first place. I obeyed his order
to take off my shirt and let him flog my back. I'd cried
about it later, but not in front of him. Dad always said I
was too much of a sissy for going running to my mother.

That was the first time, but it wasn't the last. Every time
I got poor grades, or I screwed up at an interschool game, I
knew the routine. Afterwards I'd nurse my wounds and cry in
private, promising myself that I would make him proud
someday. But that day never seemed to come - only more
punishments. He didn't leave any marks on my exposed skin,
because that would have been obvious to Mom and everyone
else. He still had his reputation to maintain. It was
amazing how he made me feel guilty about it, as if I had
reduced him to having to use his belt on his son.

When high school was over, I made sure to choose a
university far from home. I tried to avoid coming home
during the holidays, returning only when it was absolutely
necessary. I never told anyone, not even Phoebe. She asked
me if Dad was treating me properly, and I assured her that
he was. I truly believed that. Dad only wanted the best for
me. Mom, Phoebe, even Josh - none of them seemed to believe
that. Was I the only fool who did?

I realized that both Mom and Josh were watching me closely.
I managed to say, "I wanted him to like me. I wanted it so
bad, Mom. More than anything else. But he never -" I
couldn't go on; I was crying too hard. Josh put his shoulder
around me.

"Harrison, I'll kill that man myself. If I'd known then, I
would have taken you and left him a long time ago." Mom held
my hand. "I need you to promise me something - promise that
you won't ever leave me."

"What?" I blinked back my tears. "Why would I want to leave
you?"

"Just promise me, Harrison."

"Of course I won't leave you," I promised. "I've never
blamed you for anything."

Josh said, "Aunt Marcia, can I have Harry alone for a while
please?"

Mom hesitated before getting up to leave us alone. Josh sat
down beside me on the bed.

"Look, Harry, I know you hate me for bringing this up."

"Hate isn't strong enough to describe what I feel."

Josh looked pained. "You seemed so eager to talk to Reid and
make him feel better and I just thought you would feel
lighter if you got this off your chest."


"It didn't matter to you what it could do to Mom?"

"I forgot about her condition, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I ever accepted your offer to stay
here. I'll always hate you for this. Go away."

"Please, Harry, don't say that. I love you." I could hear
the sadness in his voice. He tried to kiss me but I shrugged
him off.

"Harry, listen to me. I love you so much that I can feel the
pain you're suffering inside. You put on a brave face for
your Mom, your sister, me, and keep everything else bottled
up inside of you. I know how much you want your Dad's
acceptance, but you have to face it, Harry. He doesn't love
you. He couldn't after what he's done to you."

Deep down, I knew he was right. That's why I hated him all
the more. I refused to look at him.

"Please don't let's do this again, Harry. Don't push me
aside."

"Do you still want me now that you know the truth? You said
earlier that I was a lunatic."

"I didn't mean that in the way you seem to think, Harry.
It's okay to love your father but you can't support him for
what he did - even your Mom knows that."

"I tried, really hard, to hate him, but I couldn't."

"He made use of that, Harry. I know the physical wounds he
caused healed quickly, but the emotional scars are still
there. I can make it better, Harry, if you'll only let me.
Open up to me, Harry, please."

"Why should I trust you, Josh? You betrayed me."

"I didn't! If you call bringing the truth out into the open
a betrayal, then yes. But I did it for you, Harry . . . for
us."

"You know I love you, Josh. But that doesn't mean you can do
shit like this and expect me to forgive you."

"He doesn't need your forgiveness." I was stunned for a
moment to hear Mom's voice. I realized she must have heard
everything through the open door.

Mom continued, "He helped you admit something you've kept
secret all these years, Harrison. He could have let it lie.
But I think it shows how much he cares for you that he's
willing to risk everything just so that you can heal. If you
break up with him now, you'll regret it for the rest of your
life. Think about it, Harrison. I'll leave both of you alone
now."

She left, shutting the door behind her this time. I looked
at Josh and realized for the first time that he was crying
too. I gently reached out and touched his tear-streaked
face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He gave me a watery smile and said, "Don't apologize. I
don't blame you for getting mad at me. I could've been more,
what's the word, subtle?"

"Don't pronounce the B," I told him. He stared blankly. "The
B in subtle, you don't pronounce it," I explained.

He raised his eyebrows. "You're lecturing me about grammar
now?"

"I'm -"

"Stop saying you're sorry. If you want, you can say -"

"I love you."

"That's better." He pressed his lips against my forehead. "I
hope you're feeling better too."

I thought about it. Dad's rejection had hurt, but now I
realized I didn't really care what he thought. It just
wasn't possible to make him happy.

"I guess you were right," I admitted.

Josh smiled. "Okay, come on then. Your Mom is going to be
worried about us." He got up from the bed but I caught his
hand.

"And Josh? Next time you want to try something like this?
Give me some warning. Or I will make good on my promise
never talk to you again."

He grinned. "You couldn't survive without talking to me,
baby."

"You smug b-"

Josh pressed his finger to my lips before I could complete
my exclamation. "Hush, your Mom's going to hear you. She
already told you not to call your boyfriend names."


I managed a weak smile. "So I take it you're still my
boyfriend?"

"If you weren't, you'll be the first to know. Come on." He
slipped his hand into mine and led me out of the room.

                    To be continued . . .


Let me know what you think by emailing me at
justinr_88@yahoo.com. Your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Next chapter to follow soon.