Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2008 21:04:56 +0800 (CST)
From: justinr_88@yahoo.com
Subject: Love is All that Matters chapter 5

Do not read further if you are not of legal age to do so in
your country. All the usual disclaimers and copyright laws
apply. You may keep a copy of this story for personal, non-
commercial use, with appropriate credit to the author. (See
the first installment for a more complete version of this
message.)


LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS
~ Chapter 5 ~



From the Narrative of Joshua Spencer:

Exhausted by our swimming race, which Harry won, we both
flopped down on the beach, allowing the cool night breeze to
caress our bodies. I shot a glance towards Harry. His wet
baby-blue boxers clung to his hips, leaving little to the
imagination. Glancing next to his face, I saw that he was
blissfully unaware of the fact, staring instead at the sky.
I smiled to myself, thinking how naive Harry could be at
times. Couldn't he see the effect he was having on me? Or
was he trying to ignore it?

He looked so irresistible, lying on his back in the sand,
droplets of water glistening on his smooth skin. I wanted to
make love to him right there and then, on the sand, but I
didn't even dare to touch him. I couldn't bear to lose him a
second time. Harry didn't want anything of that kind to
happen between us. I couldn't for the life of me understand
why. I knew he was hiding something from me - something that
was holding him back from giving in to his feelings. The
kiss we'd shared earlier that day (or I suppose it was the
previous day) had told me that the feelings I'd had for him,
all these years, were mutual. Yet when I offered him the
chance, he'd run away. And now he just wanted to be friends.

What was stopping him? I know he was new to the whole gay
"experience", but now it was almost as if he was denying it.
I wondered if it had something to do with his father. I
scrutinized his body - it was smooth, pale and unblemished.
I ravished it with my eyes, distracted from my thoughts by
his loveliness.

"You're staring at me." I snapped out of my reverie when I
heard his voice. He was looking at me accusingly.

"God, you're so beautiful." The words were out of my mouth
before I could stop them. Harry sat up, looking alarmed, and
reached for his clothes.

I sat up quickly. "Harry, no. That came out all wrong. I
didn't mean -"


"I knew this was a bad idea," he mumbled as he struggled to
pull his t-shirt over his head.

"Harry, wait!" He stopped struggling with the t-shirt, which
he'd managed to get into a tangle, and swore. I couldn't
help but laugh, stopping hastily when he glared at me.

"Now you're laughing at me!" He got the shirt untangled but
instead of putting it on, he threw it back onto the rock.
"Fuck it."

I knew I had to be serious. "Harry, I couldn't help myself.
It's not as if you don't know that I've always found you
beautiful. And tonight you're just gorgeous."

Harry looked at me worriedly. "Josh, you mustn't have these
feelings for me."

I laughed bitterly. "Do you really think feelings which
haven't gone away for years, are just going to vanish
overnight?"

I knew he couldn't give an answer to that. It had been fun
to race like we used to when we were teens, and frolic in
the sea. But I wanted so much more than just simple fun. I
wanted what I'd always longed for.

"Harry, tell me, honestly . . . you don't have any feelings
for me? That I'm the only one suffering from these
delusions?"

He was silent.

"Harry, tell me, and I promise I won't try anything with
you, ever again."

He opened his mouth, and I could already tell he was going
to lie.

"The truth, Harry - tell me the way you truly feel," I said
before he could do so.

The guilty look on his face told everything I wanted to
know. "Just tell me the truth, Harry," I said gently.

"Josh, I . . . Damn it! Yes! Yes, I have feelings for you.
Are you happy now?" he yelled.

I could tell he was angry. Was it because he felt I was
forcing him to admit it? Still speaking softly, I asked,
"And would you like to act on those feelings?"

Harry was quiet for so long, I thought he wasn't going to
reply. Then he said, almost inaudibly, "Yes."

"Then what's holding you back, Harry? You can tell me."

He stared at me, then broke down and started to cry. I
tentatively put my arms around him, expecting him to push me
away. But he didn't. Instead he seemed to welcome it.

"Harry, tell me what's wrong. We can face it together," I
told him.

"That's just it, Josh," he sobbed. "We can't ever be
together."

"If you want something enough, anything is possible."

"There's too many things in our way," he cried.

I had to ask. "Harry . . . is it your father? Because I know
what he's ."

I didn't get the chance to finish. He pushed me away
violently and yelled, "You don't know anything about my
father!"

I struggled to grab hold of his arms as he tried to break
out of my embrace. "Harry, calm down. I'm sorry I brought
him up. Just forget that I even did."

He stopped struggling and looked at me. I could see the pain
in his startlingly blue eyes. I wanted to kiss him and make
it go away. But I managed to stop myself - that would only
scare him away.

"Harry, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. But
you should know that I'll always be there for you."

"You've already done so much for me," he said quietly. "And
I don't deserve it."

"I don't know why you keep saying that, Harry. You haven't
done anything wrong."

He interrupted and looked straight at me. "Josh, I - I did
punch that guy."

I was stunned speechless.

Harry looked down and continued, "That guy, Dean . . . he
was attracted to me. And when my friends - at least I
thought they were my friends - when they saw him looking at
me, they made me confront him outside the bar. I could've
just walked away, but I was scared . . . scared that they'd
realize I was gay too. so I hit him. Then they all jumped on
him and started beating him up."

I didn't say anything. I was trying to process what he'd
just confessed.

Harry glanced at me sadly. "Now you know that I'm
undeserving of your love. If you had been in Dean's place
that night, I might have done the same thing to you."

I cleared my throat. "Harry, you made a mistake, because you
were scared. Those guys must've made you do it. I've never
known you to hit anyone. Even that time when I tried to
touch you, while you were asleep . you didn't hit me, you
just ran away. You'd never hurt someone intentionally."

"Josh, stop making me out to be the innocent one. The only
innocent guy there was Dean, and I punched him in the face."

"Is that what you're scared of, Harry? That you're going to
hurt me?" I asked him.

"Among other things," he mumbled.

What other things, I wondered. But there were more important
things I had to tell him.

"Harry, didn't it occur to you that, by pushing me away,
you're hurting me more than you could physically?"

Harry looked at me, his confusion evident in those
brilliantly blue eyes. He asked, "Do I mean that much to
you?"

I felt like shaking him. "Harry you idiot, which part of `I
love you and always have' didn't you understand? I have a
burning desire to make love to you all night long."

Harry blushed. If he'd looked beautiful earlier, he was even
more so now with the pink tint to his pale skin.

"I just can't . . . it's so hard. Please, Josh, can't you
understand that we mustn't do that?"

"Damn it! Then at least tell me why not. We're both here,
alone on our own little patch of paradise, almost naked save
for our boxers. What more is it that you want, Harry?"

He looked away as he spoke. "I'm scared, Josh. Scared of so
many things that could go wrong, the things that have gone
wrong before. Most of all scared of hurting you . I'm more
scared now than I was that night with Dean."

"I've already told you that you wouldn't hurt me."


"You don't understand," he muttered, still looking away from
me.

Tenderly I cupped his chin in my hand and turned his face
towards me. "Then make me understand. I want to know,
Harry."

"Just leave me alone."

"I'm not going to leave you alone, Harry, so you'd better
get used to having me around," I told him firmly.

He gave me a watery smile. "You always were stubborn." Then
his smile broke down completely and he started to cry again.
Whatever it was that was bothering him, I wasn't going to
find it out today. I held him in my arms as he sobbed,
feeling his tears drip onto my chest.

"It's going to be okay," I promised him. There was no reply;
he just continued to cry. I didn't move, letting him cry
himself out. When his sobs ceased, I gently pried his
fingers away from me and realized he'd fallen asleep. I
smiled in spite of myself; he looked so innocent when he was
asleep. Careful not to wake him, I slowly lay back on the
sand, with his head on my chest.

I lay awake for a while longer, listening to the sound of
the ocean. I watched Harry's brown-haired head rise and fall
in tandem with my chest and thought to myself sadly, this
would be the closest I'd ever get to sleeping with him. Then
I must have drifted off to sleep myself.


From the Narrative of Harrison Ridgeway IV:

I opened my eyes to see the sky above me, which was just
beginning to lighten. For a moment I was confused, wondering
where the hell I was. Then Josh's smiling face came into
view.

"Good morning, sleepy-head," he said. "You'd better wake up
now if you want to be home before anyone gets up and wonders
where you were last night."

"Oh, right," I said sleepily, and promptly closed my eyes
again. I was suddenly assailed by a shower of water-
droplets. I quickly opened my eyes and sat up. Josh was
grinning at me as he shook his head like a dog, sending
water droplets flying everywhere.

"What did you do that for?" I grumbled.

Still grinning, Josh replied, "You were going back to sleep.
I had to wake you up somehow."


"Well, I'm well and truly awake now," I complained.

"Mission accomplished then. Are you going for another swim?"
he asked. "I already had one."

I reached for my clothes. "No, I guess I'd better be going
home now." I started to rub the grains of sand off my body
with my hands.

"Here, you can use this," said Josh, offering me his t-
shirt.

I didn't take it from him. "Josh, I can't use your t-shirt.
What are you going to wear then?"

He shrugged. "My house is just a five-minute walk from here.
I can do it without my shirt. It's not as if anyone is going
to be out at this time. Besides, we live near a beach.
There're plenty of shirtless guys around." He winked. "I
know, `cause I spent a lot of time watching them."

"Josh, I can't," I told him firmly. His face fell. "I know
you want to be friends, but that doesn't mean you have to do
everything for me, okay?"

He nodded, somewhat reluctantly.

I hesitated for a moment before continuing. "About last
night . . . I was a real ass, breaking down like that."

"No, you weren't," he said quickly.

I shook my head. "I don't know why you put up with me."

Josh opened his mouth. I could instinctively tell that he
was going to say it was because he loved me. I had to stop
him.

"Okay, don't reply to that. Remember what I told you last
night." I was busy putting on my clothes. "I'm leaving now,"
I announced, and turned to go.

Josh caught my arm. "I have to see you again." I started to
say something, but Josh interrupted.

"Come by the cafe. You haven't seen it yet. And you can have
that latte you ended up not having."

That reminded me of Reid. But surely I wasn't likely to see
him at the cafe. And I did want to see Josh again.

"Okay," I agreed. "Maybe I'll swing by later. Where is it
exactly?"


"1001 Marina Drive. You can't miss it. It's called -"

"The Surf `n' Sand Cafe, I know, you told me. I'll come by
in the evening, is that good?"

Josh nodded, but still didn't let go of my arm.

"Can I go now?" I asked him, pointedly looking towards my
arm firmly in his grip.

"What? Oh, right." He let go of my arm. "You promise you'll
come by the cafe?" he asked me again.

"Yes, I promise," I told him wearily.

"Okay, then, see you later." I nodded and turned to walk
back up the cliff path. Then I turned back and called out,
"By the way, those boxers? They were designed for 8-year-
olds!" A grin broke across Josh's face.

"Well, I'm not the one who looks like I'm still that age!"
he yelled back at me. I childishly stuck my tongue out at
him and continued my hike to the cliff top. I tried not to
look back down at him. If I did, I wasn't sure that I would
be able to walk away from him.

I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I'd been
convinced that I was, but now I wasn't so sure. Could I be
just friends with Josh?

I had to, I told myself. Shaking lustful thoughts of Josh
out of my head, I walked down to my car and drove off, just
as dawn started to break.



                    To be continued . . .


Let me know what you think of this story by emailing me at
justinr_88@yahoo.com. Thanks for all your feedback. The next
installment should follow soon.