Date: Sat, 5 Apr 2003 15:42:07 -0800 (PST)
From: bob smith <mason0201@yahoo.com>
Subject: Finally Home Chapter 7

If you are not of age of consent in your area (18 or 21), please do not
read on.  I never got that rule, I mean who needs access to erotica more
then lonely gay teenagers?  Anyway, that's the rule.  If you're offended by
gay men having sex, or being in love, then what the heck are you doing
here?  Go away.

This is my story, I wrote it from my own mind.  Any relations to events in
real life is purely coincidental.  Do not reprint this story without
permission.

This is going to be a multi-chapter story, there will be no sex for the
first couple of chapters, sorry to disappoint.

Please be nice.  If you don't like it I don't care, unless you can tell me
why you don't like it.  Then I am very interested.  Thank you.

Mason

Note: My philosophy is that there is no good gay love story without a
little angst, so here is the angst.

If you want to be on my mailing list please Email me at mason0201@yahoo.com



Finally Home



>From last time:

I turned away and went into the building, leaving him standing there.  I
didn't want him to see the tears as they spilled over and ran down my
cheeks.  I walked away without looking back.  I never saw the tears in
Michael's eyes.


Chapter 7


I caught the elevator without waiting for Michael.  By the time I let
myself into the apartment I was crying even harder, trying to navigate
through bleary eyes.  As I passed Brian's room I heard the unmistakable
sounds of lovemaking coming from within.  While I was happy Brian was
scoring with his 'hot date' even the sound of sex, sex I would never share
with Michael, made me feel like my heart was being torn out of my body.  I
rushed into my room and locked the door.  Stripping down to my boxers I
burrowed myself under my covers, buried my face in my pillow and cried
myself to sleep.

I dreamt of Michael.  I was chasing him, and he was chasing me, around in
circles we went, but neither of us could stop or catch each other.  I woke
from my dream to find the sunlight streaming though my windows.  I was
exhausted, my head was pounding, and my eyes were sore and swollen from
crying.  But the clock told me that I had 30 minutes before Irving came to
collect me, so I managed to get myself moving.  I paused to take out my
contacts, put in some eye drops, and take two Aleve before I showered.  By
the time I heard the doorbell ring I was feeling slightly more human, but
my heart still felt like it had been ripped out.  Opting to grab my
glasses, which I hate, instead of bothering with my contacts, I left my
room and found Michael had answered the door for Irving.  As I approached
Michael turned and looked at me.  I ignored how cute he looked in his sweat
pants and grungy T-shirt.  I didn't speak and refused to meet his gaze as I
brushed past him and Irving and started for the elevator without saying a
word.  I heard the door close behind me and Irving was suddenly beside me.

"Are you unwell Master Tobias?"  Irving is a great guy, and I knew he was
genuinely concerned, I felt bad for ignoring him.

"No, Irving, thank you, I just had a very rough night last night.  I'm
fine."  I turned and gave him a half smile.  I could see that he didn't
really buy it.

"You will inform me, Master Tobias, if there is any way I may be of
assistance?"

"Yes Irving, Thank you."

I opted for a Mountain Dew in the limo instead of my usual hot chocolate,
hoping it would help wake me up.  By the time I got to Nana's my palms were
a clammy mess.  I tried to work out what I would say to nana, to convince
her that my love life was not a discussion worth having, and I couldn't
come up with anything to say.  Part of me wanted to tell her the whole
sordid story and cry my heart out in her arms, the other part of me was
wishing that the limo would never reach its destination.  Needless to say I
was a wreck.  Irving was still concerned that I was sick and I knew he
would call ahead to inform Chen.  Chen took it upon himself to see that my
grandmother remained as healthy as possible, he said it was his job to
protect her health as well as her person.  So I wasn't surprised when he
met me at the door with the butler, a worried look on his face.  I saw nana
standing off to the side of the grand hallway, looking worried as well.

I raised my hand and stopped Chen as he opened his mouth to speak.  "Chen
I'm not sick, I just had about the worst night of my entire life last
night.  I'm not suffering from anything but a broken heart, so please just
back off."

Chen nodded, seeing for himself that I was not sniffling or coughing he
stepped back and nana rushed forward pulling me close and hugging me tight.
I hate it when she gets all maternal, it breaks down my walls like nothing
else.  I started to cry again.  Nana sent Chen away telling him to have
cook hold brunch and that the observatory was not to be disturbed, she led
me to the back of the house where a small observatory overlooks the
perfectly kept garden.  It's my favorite room in the house and always helps
calm me down, but today I hardly even noticed.  Nana sat next to me on a
whicker love seat.  She held my right hand in hers and gently rubbed my
back.  I cried softly as she waited.

Finally I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed shakily before I
whispered.  "I'm in love with him."

She nodded and said gently, "I know that dear.  So what happened?"

"He doesn't love me.  He doesn't even know how he feels about me.  I asked
him and he said 'I don't know.  I like you Toby. But.' And then he
stopped."  I cried again for a minute.

"Why don't you start from the beginning darling."  She suggested gently.

So I told her everything.  I started from the time I told the guys about
Richard and went from there.  Talking about sleeping in his arms and
feeling like that's where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.  Then I
told her about the dance, erections and all.  I poured my heart out,
telling her all of my trauma.  And then I cried again.

Nana fawned over me and got me to eat some brunch before I finally left.
Just talking to her about it made things a little better, but I still felt
like I was slowly dying inside.  I knew it would be a while before things
were normal at home again for a while, but in the limo on the way home I
managed to convince myself that I could get over it, things would just be
tense for a while.  I could heal, I had healed before.  I told myself that
this was like every other broken heart.  Halfway home I remembered that it
was my night to cook dinner, and obviously not in the mood to cook I
decided to pull a Brian.  I used Irving's car phone to order Chinese food
for all of us, making him take me to get it because I wasn't in the mood to
walk.  While I waited for my order I ran into the Liquor store next door
and picked up enough wine to keep me numb for the next week or so.  I could
tell Irving was even more worried, seeing my alcohol, but he didn't say
anything.

The apartment was quiet when I got in, but when I entered the kitchen I
found Michael and Brian sitting at the table talking quietly.  They both
stopped and looked at me as I came in.  It was obvious they had been
talking about me, they weren't very good at keeping the honesty out of
their faces.  Michael quickly looked away.

"How was Louise?"  Brian asked.  Failing at keeping his voice light.

"Great, as usual."  I replied as I put my wine and food in the fridge.

"Cool."

"How was your date?  It sounded like a home run when I got in."  I
commented as I put one bottle of wine into the freezer.

"Oh yeah."  Brian said as if he had just remembered.  "It was ok."  He
shrugged, and I could tell he was embarrassed to be talking about his good
time.

"Right."  I said in the shittiest tone I could muster.  Michael glanced at
me, noticing my tone.  "You guys' dinner is in the fridge whenever you get
hungry."  I picked up my crab Rangoon and took it with me as I left the
kitchen without looking at them again.

I went to my room and did what I usually do when I'm upset.  I put on a CD
I had burned of Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson songs and laid on my back
in the middle of the floor, munching on my crab Rangoon and not really
tasting it.  I managed to zone out until there was a light knock on the
door.

"Who is it?"  I called, not bothering to get up.

"It's Michael."  I sighed, I really, really didn't want to talk to him.

"Come in."  He pushed the door open but stayed in the doorway looking at
me.  I didn't bother to look back at him.

"Are you ok?"

"Peachy."  I said as I examined the ceiling.

"Toby?"  I heard real pain in his voice.  I pulled myself up on my elbow
and looked over at him.  He stayed in the doorway.  "I'm sorry I hurt you.
That's the last thing I want to do."

"I know.  Just give me some time Michael, I'll get better."  I knew looking
at him then that I was lying to him and to myself.  This wasn't going to
get better, it was already eating away at me.  This wasn't an infatuation
like I'd experienced before, it wasn't just a crush.  This was it for me,
I'd found him, THE ONE, and he didn't want me.  I was going to have to
spend the rest of my life knowing that.

Michael just nodded and closed the door, leaving me alone again.
Eventually I went out and got the rest of my dinner and the wine from the
freezer.  I had promised nana I would eat, so I ate half of my meal before
I started drinking.  When I finished the bottle three hours later I was
numb.  Just how I wanted to be.  I drifted off to sleep managing only to
cry for a few minutes.

The next two days were basically the same thing.  I would get up in the
morning and take a long hot shower before going back to bed until noon.
Once I got up I would start drinking, slowly so as to be lucid enough to
follow 'As the World Turns', which was quickly becoming my major daily
activity.  Once that was over I would retreat to my room so as not to see
Michael when he came home.  I would come out for dinner, which became a
silent, tense affair, Brian trying desperately to get Michael or I to talk.
We refused to even look at each other.  I canceled my class at the teen
center on Monday and Wednesday, leaving Michael and Brian to go to alone.
While Michael was gone Monday Brian came and knocked on my door.  I ignored
him.

Wednesday morning I made myself go to my shrink's appointment.  We went
around and around.  Her telling me I should tell him how I truly felt.
Talking about the cleansing power of honestly and all that crap.  That it
wasn't fair to him, I should be honest, it would help me move on.  Bla,
bla, bla.  Finally she pulled my Father into the discussion.  "You're
scared, that's understandable.  You don't want to get hurt again."  I
finally slammed my hand down on the coffee table, causing her to shut up
and look at me wide-eyed.

"You're goddamn right.  I loved my Father, I did everything I could to try
to gain his love, his approval.  I was perfect for him and he just demanded
more.  You're right.  He turned his back on me over something about myself
I couldn't change.  I couldn't keep my secret from him and I lost my family
completely, and I'll be damned if I'm going to loss Michael for the same
reason."

That ended that line of discussion and I left with a prescription for
Valium after promising that I wouldn't drink any more.  She also decided to
up my visits to twice a week.  I went home and drank half a bottle of wine
before dinner, but I didn't drink any more after we ate our tense, silent
meal.  I took my Valium that evening and slept like I was in a coma until
noon the next day.  I knew I couldn't cancel my teen center night on
Thursday, it was my support group night.  The guys would probably just show
up here if I didn't make it.  So Brian and I began our walk in silence.

About halfway there he couldn't stand it anymore.  He spoke with his eyes
glued to the pavement in front of him.  "Toby?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you OK?"  I could tell he was nervous.  I sighed.

"Honestly, no, I'm not.  But I will be."

"Oh, Ok.  Is there anything I can do?"  His voice was thick with concern.
And it thawed me just a little, hearing his caring for me in his voice.

"You just did it Brian."  I said as I swung my arm around him and gave him
a half hug before pulling my arm back.  "Thank You."  He gave me a smile
and we walked the rest of the way in a more peaceful silence.

The guys in my group noticed that something was wrong right away.  I dodged
their questions and announced the topic of discussion of the night:
Unrequited love.

The guys all went around talking about crushes that didn't work out, guys
that were either straight or already had boyfriend's.  Several stories were
very intense, and we had a good discussion.  It was a good hour and a half,
almost time to go, before Willie asked the question.

"Is that what's wrong Toby?"  Willie asked timidly after a moment of
silence in the group.

"Is what what's wrong?"  I asked, having spaced out slightly.

"Unrequited love?"  The group looked at me with wide eyes, waiting for my
answer.  I finally nodded.  I'm not sure why the group was so shocked.  I
couldn't tell if it was the idea of me being in love or the fact that it
was unrequited.  A chorus of 'wow's' and 'no way's' rose up from the group.
James just shook his head.

"Who is it?"  Was the next logical question.

"Not gonna say."  I replied firmly.  That was our 'safe phrase', whenever
one of the guys felt pushed to far they said 'not gonna say' and we knew to
leave it alone.

"Did you tell him?"  Was James next question.

"No," I paused.  "We sorta crossed a line in our friendship, nothing past
PG-13, but we talked about it afterwards and I asked him how he felt about
me. He said he didn't know, he like me but he just wasn't sure."

"So your not gonna try for a relationship?"

"No, then we risk the friendship, and there are other factors involved that
complicate things."  I stopped there and ended the group before they could
get any more nosy.  As he guys filed out James approached me.  He pulled me
into a hug and spoke into my ear.

"I think you should go for it."

"Do you?"  I tried not to sound condescending as I pulled away.

"Yes, I do."  James said so forcefully that it caused me to stop and look
at him.  He smiled "I think Michael's perfect for you, and I think he's
worth the risk."  He said before he turned and walked out of the room.
Leaving me slightly speechless, and wondering how he could be so sure of
something that I had never talked about.

That night as I let my sleeping pills carry my teary self into oblivion
James's words echoed in my head like a mantra, 'I thing you should go for
it, he's worth the risk.'

Friday Brian managed to pull himself out of the gloom that had settled over
the house.  He kept the tension at bay with his chatter during dinner about
his day and some hilarious thing someone did.

When he finished laughing over his own story he commented smoothly, "You're
grandmother called me at work today Toby."  I was instantly on edge.

"Why?  Is something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing like that, she just wanted to be sure we were all coming
to brunch on Sunday.  I told her that we wouldn't miss it for the world."

Michael looked at his brother sharply and hissed, "Brian why did you tell
her that?"

"Because it's true."  Brian's smile never wavered.  Michael abruptly got up
and left the table.  I jumped up and followed him, suddenly steaming mad.

"Michael!"  I caught up with him in the hallway. He turned to face me,
surprised at my tone.  "You can't cancel on my Grandmother.  You have to
come with us."

"Did you tell her what happened?"  There was fear in his eyes.

"Yes."  His expression turned to anger and he opened him mouth to speak but
I stopped him short when I asked, "Did you tell Brian?"

He stopped short, looked guilty, then got defensive, "He's my brother, I
tell him everything."

"She's my grandmother, I tell her everything, she's the only family I've
got."  I shot back.

"I just can't, I would feel awkward."  He tried to explain.  That really
got me going.

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE FELT ALL WEEK!!"  I exploded.  Brian
appeared in the doorway, looking worried.  I stopped yelling but the anger
was still in my voice.  "The fact that she called to be sure means she
wants to see you both.  I don't care if we have to drag you there in your
underwear I will not let you stand up my grandmother."  I turned and walked
away before he could answer.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Next Time: Brian told a lie.  Will his sceaming bear fruit?  Or will Toby
be hurt even more?  Stay Tuned... Next Chapter in two weeks.