Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 23:58:01 +0000 From: Adam Scandalous <adamscandalous@hotmail.com> Subject: Goldilocks and the Three Bears Goldilocks and the Three Bears By Adam Scandalous (c) The author reserves all rights to this work. This story is of an adult nature. You must be of legal age in your place of residence to view this story. Otherwise, you'll be turned into a toad by an evil witch. The author may be contacted at adamscandalous(at)hotmail(dot)com Once upon a time there was a young man named Brian, though everyone called him by a nickname, Goldilocks. You see, his hair was the color of golden wheat in the fields, and he'd let it grow out some, showing his blonde curls that accented his piercing blue eyes. He was 23 years old and fresh out of university. Now, Brian/Goldilocks lived in a fashionable urban area that bordered on the edge of a deep dark forest. Brian had heard about the kind of men that lived in the Black Forest. Not the kind of men like city-men, who were well-dressed, well-groomed, pretty, and smooth. Oh no, the types of men who inhabited the Black Forest were known to be wild, rough, rugged, and hairy. But none of this kept Brian from taking his usual hikes on the weekends for hours into the Black Forest. It felt good to get away from the city, plus it was good exercise. So it happened that one late-autumn Saturday afternoon Brian packed his backpack and went hiking in the forest, enjoying the cool crisp natural air. After awhile he noticed very dark clouds rolling in above, and a sharp drop in temperature. This was unexpected! He tried walking back, but also to his dismay he found he was lost! Light was fading fast in the Black Forest, and an early snow began to fall. At first only in flakes, but it began snowing harder and harder, until it felt almost like a blizzard. At this point Brian was truly beginning to get worried. He hadn't brought any supplies, as he hadn't planned on getting stuck in a snowstorm in the woods. As his hope was dwindling and panic set in, he noticed a light coming from deeper in the forest. He followed it, and eventually came upon a little wooden and earth A-frame cottage than was built into a small wooded hillside. A small cozy-looking place, and better still there was a light on in the front windows. He peered in the window whose wooden shutters were open. Inside he could see a small kitchen table, and a large warm-looking fireplace, among other things. So he knocked on the door. Nobody answered. He tried again. Still no answer. So testing the door, he found in unlocked and unbolted, and went on in... The fire was burning bright in the hearth and the entire cottage exuded welcoming warmth. Brian sat his bag down behind the table and yelled out hello, but no one seemed to be home. He shook the snow off of him and sat his coat and hat by the fire. He noticed the wooden table was already set, with three boxes of pizza and three beers. He figured he'd had a stressful day and surely the occupants wouldn't mind if he helped himself to some food. He hadn't eaten all day after getting lost in the forest. So he opened the first box of pizza, a large pepperoni. The hot cheese scalded the roof of his mouth as he bit into a slice! Too hot, he thought. He tried to cool the burn with a swig of the beer, but it was too warm from sitting out. So he went to the second box. The medium pizza was practically frozen! Too cold, he thought, and the beer next to it was way too cold as well (as hard as it seems for a beer to be too cold). Finally the third pizza, a small cheese, was perfectly warm. Just right! And the third beer was perfect as well. He quickly devoured the pizza and drank the entire bottle of beer. Full, Brian went to the small den room, where there were three chairs before the fireplace. The first, a huge wooden chair, was way too high off the ground! The second, a large leather recliner, leaned way too far back! At last, the third, a black leather beanbag, was just right. Unfortunately Brian sat down on the beanbag too hard and busted it open! Damn, thought Brian. Instead he decided to lie down on the large bear-skin rug laid out on the floor, and warm himself in front of the fireplace. And that's when it hit Brian...there was something different about this cottage. The bear-skin rug, and portraits of all types of bears on the mantelpiece above the fireplace. A cuckoo clock that had dancing bear cubs appear at the hour mark. The bear-paw print coffee mugs. And lots of leather upholstery, too. What Brian had mistaken for rustic ruggedness was actually a cottage decorated with an overkill bear theme. Everything had something related to bears. Well, he reasoned, maybe the occupants just had a thing for bears, or maybe they studied them. After warming himself by the fire, Brian felt himself getting sleepy. Rather than sleeping on the bear-skin rug (though it was comfortable) he decided the owners surely wouldn't mind if he used one of the beds. After all, he was a lost stranger in the forest on a snowy night. He found a small staircase the led upstairs to two loft bedrooms. The first room had a large bed, though it seemed the bed had two different halves. Brian tried laying on the right side of the bed, but found it much too hard! He then tried the left side of the bed, but found it much too soft! Frustrated, he went to the other bedroom. The smaller bed was the perfect balance; you guessed it, just right! Perhaps it was the stressful day, the snow, the beer, or the bed, but Brian was exhausted and soon drifted off into slumber. Meanwhile... The Bear family was returning from gathering fresh firewood for the long winter's night. The warm hearth, the pizza, and beer would be waiting for them when they came in from the cold. The Bear family consisted on Papa Bear, Daddy Bear, and Little Bear. Papa Bear was a large, muscular man with a thick pelt of chest fur, dark smoldering eyes, and a shaved head. Daddy Bear, his husband of almost twenty years, as equally large and muscular, with salt-and-pepper graying hair (he was anticipating becoming a full-gray "polar bear"). Both met during a celebration when Daddy Bear had won Mr. Leather Black Forest. Little Bear, also known as Jason, was a young 23 year-old cub they'd adopted years ago and raised as their own. Already he possessed a football-player's build, brown hair, and knockout blue eyes. He worked as a forest ranger, protecting the Black Forest from illegal hunters, litter bugs, and helping city slickers who got lost in the woods. The three carried their logs into the cottage, and both Papa and Daddy Bear scolded Little Bear for leaving the door unlocked. "As if anyone would break into our cottage on a night like this!" said Little Bear. Upon entering, however, all three realized something was amiss. First, Papa Bear roared, "Someone's been eating my pizza!" Daddy Bear growled, "Someone's been eating my pizza too!" "Someone's been eating my pizza, and they ate the whole box!" cried Little Bear. Next, they investigated the den. "Someone's been sitting in my chair!" roared Papa Bear. "Someone's been sitting in my leather recliner!" growled Daddy Bear. "Someone's been sitting on my beanbag, and they busted it too!" cried Little Bear. It occurred to them to check out the upstairs bedrooms. Upon entering Papa and Daddy Bear's room, they saw the bed had been disturbed. Little Bear went off to check his room. "Someone's been sleeping on my half of the bed!" roared Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping on my half of the bed too!" growled Daddy Bear. They heard Little Bear yell out from his bedroom next door, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed, and they're still here!" The two ran into Little Bear's room just as Goldilocks/Brian was waking up from all the commotion. Brian almost jumped out of his skin, waking up to see the three masculine men standing around his bed glaring at him! "I didn't mean to intrude! This must be your house, but I swear I only invited myself in because I was lost, cold, and hungry!" pleaded Brian sitting up in the bed. "I say he deserves a paddling!" demanded Papa Bear. "I say he deserves a spanking with my leather belt!" said Daddy Bear. "No!" cried Little Bear. "He needed to find shelter, and as a forest ranger it's my job to help lost people out. But," he turned to Brian, "You did help yourself to our stuff without asking, and you did destroy my beanbag." "I'm very sorry," said Brian hanging his head down. "No worries, I know how to handle little burglar like you!" laughed Little Bear, running a hand through Brian's golden locks. He shooed his father Bears out into the hallway and closed the door, saying, "Let me handle this one!" And Little Bear and Goldilocks still live happily ever after, in their own den where the city meets the Black Forest.