Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2001 17:19:37 -0800 (PST)
From: Mark Stevens <rustynail920@yahoo.com>
Subject: In the Direction of Happiness - Part 2

The following is property of the author.  Permission to
post is granted to Nifty Archives.

This is a work of fiction.  Any similarity to individuals,
living or dead, is pure coincidence.  Do not read this story
if you are offended by man-to-man romance or sex.  Do
not read if you are underage according to laws in the
country, state/province, county, city/town/village or
township where you live.


This is a love story.  I've attempted to create a tale where
the characters are involved in every aspect of life.
Although sex is part of all love stories, so are romance,
pain and self-realization.  I hope you enjoy it.

I enjoy receiving e-mail and will attempt to answer all
messages.  Mail to: rustynail920@yahoo.com




IN THE DIRECTION OF HAPPINESS - PART 2


Chapter 5 - A Dream Realized


  Being single and having no debts, I stashed away every
penny.   I earned a very good wage so my savings account
grew rapidly.  My lifetime dream was to own a nursery,
and when the opportunity came along, I wanted to have
the money to make it happen.

  The opportunity came my way much sooner than I
anticipated.  Through a friend, I learned that a small
wholesale nursery, located in the foothills north of the San
Fernando Valley, was for sale.  The nursery was family
owned and the parents were ready to retire.  Knowing that
their children had no desire to continue operating the
business, mom and dad decided to sell everything and use
the profit to further their kid's education.  The purchase
price included the nursery and a small house on 25 acres.
With my savings I made a hefty down payment and
financed the balance.  Escrow closed in 90 days and I was
in business.

  As much as I enjoyed my job and living in the Tehachapi
Mountains, I was glad to be back in Los Angeles County.
My nursery was not far from where I grew up and only a
fifteen-minute drive to the San Fernando Valley.  Living
in Tehachapi I had missed my friends and family and,
surprisingly enough, I missed the big city.  Now I had the
best of both worlds - my home and business in the country
and the city within easy access.

  Only one thing troubled me.  It wouldn't be as easy to get
together with Mark. I could tell that he too was troubled
but he never said a negative word to me.  He was totally
supportive of my plans and assured me that nothing would
change between us.




  Mark met Barbara about three months before I moved
south.  She was working at the Base as a temporary
receptionist in Mark's department.  Physically she is
everything Mark loves.  Large breasts, long auburn hair,
and a beautiful face.  She is well educated and comes from
a stable family.  At first she seemed to be a winner.

  They began dating and within a month she moved into
his off-Base house with him.  Mark was in love, or at least
infatuated.  They spent all of their free time together and I
did my very best to wish them well.  I knew that Mark
needed a serious relationship with a woman who would
meet more than his sexual needs.  If I really loved Mark,
then I would be happy for him, right?  Let's just say I tried
hard

   I worried about Mark's short-term relationships.  They
seemed to follow a pattern.  They'd always start off strong,
with great passion, but within a few weeks they'd be over.
Mark would say little, but I knew deep inside that he was
berating himself.   Also, with so many sexual partners, I
was concerned about his health.  So yes, the unselfish part
of me was happy that Mark seemed to be serious about
Barbara.  The selfish part, well, you can imagine.  I was
miserable.

 As a way of coping with my loneliness, I channeled all of
my energy into my new business and, out of necessity,
became very good friends with my right hand.

  Mark too had concerns.  He worried that his relationship
with Barbara would cause me to withdraw from him.  He
would call me daily, often with no other reason than to tell
me he loved me.  I never questioned the sincerity of his
love.  I just missed him so much.

  My first problem with Barbara occurred the day I was
scheduled to move.  I had rented a truck and Mark was
going to help me move my furniture.  We spoke on the
telephone the night before the scheduled move and we
arranged for him to arrive at 9 A.M.  Mark is always
punctual.  By 9:45 he had not arrived and I became a little
concerned.  At 10:15 the telephone rang and it was Mark.

  "Hey buddy, what's up?" I asked.

  "Steven, I can't help you move today, something
unexpected came up.  I'm really sorry to let you down."
His voice sounded hollow.

  "What happened Mark?"

  "I can't talk right now.  I'll call you from work on
Monday.  I'm really sorry Steven. "

  "Okay."

  I was confused.  This was very out of character for Mark
and I had a bad feeling inside.  Barbara was jealous of our
relationship - I was just sure of it.  She didn't want him to
help me.

  Over the last few weeks I had started to suspect that she
might be jealous.  Whenever the three of us were together,
Mark would throw his arm around my shoulders or even
hold my hand.  I was surprised that he would do that in
front of her, but I never suggested that he refrain.  We
were just looking for trouble.  It would appear we found it.

  I had become a friend of the publisher of the Tehachapi
News.  I gave Tom a call and asked if he could help me
with the move.  He was happy to help.  Everything
proceeded as planned but, by nightfall, I was exhausted.  I
fell into bed at my new home and slept until late Sunday
morning.

  I took time on Sunday to become acquainted with Karen
and Dan, two employees who worked at the nursery part
time.  Knowing that I would need qualified help, I asked
them to stay on and work for me.  Both cheerfully agreed
and my impression of them was favorable.

  Karen, 41, was married and the mother of two girls. She
worked at the nursery for the last six years.  Her primary
responsibility was assisting customers.  She also handled
routine horticultural jobs.  Dan, 22, was single and had
worked at the nursery since he graduated from high
school.  He maintained the irrigation system and assisted
in the shipping process.  He also drove the delivery truck.
I soon learned just how valuable their knowledge and
experience would be.  Both still work for me today.

   True to his word Mark, called me from work on Monday
morning.  He sounded terrible.  I knew immediately that
something was very wrong.

  "Steven, I'm so sorry I let you down.  Did you get moved
okay?  Did you have any help?"

  "Yes Mark, the move went fine.  Tom, from the
Tehachapi News, helped me out.  I'm exhausted but happy.
I spent all day yesterday unpacking and getting to know
my part-time help.  I miss you Mark, are you okay?"

  "Remind me to give Tom a big kiss when I see him.  I
need to talk with you Stevie.  I have to be in L.A. on
Wednesday.  Can I stop by on my way home?"

  "Of course you can, but what about Barbara?  I have a
feeling that the reason you couldn't help with the move
had something to do with her.  Mark, is she jealous of
me?"

  "Yes, she's jealous, but that's only part of the problem.  If
that were all, I would have thrown her fat ass out of my
house.  Unfortunately, it's much more complicated.  I
really need to see you Stevie."

  Mark rarely talked like that.  I knew he was very angry
about something.

  "What time do you think you will be here on
Wednesday?  I have to run over to the coast in the
morning.  I should be back by mid afternoon."

  "Probably not before 4:00, depending on traffic.  But
please don't rush back.  Why are you going to the coast?"

  I was really excited.  Sunday afternoon I had picked up
my first new account.  A retail nursery in Ventura placed
an order in excess of two thousand dollars.  I wanted to
personally deliver the plants so I could meet the owners of
the business.  I told Mark what was happening and, by his
reaction, I knew he was excited about my new business
endeavor.

  "Mark, if you arrive before I do, look for a key under the
potted jasmine plant on the front porch.  That's your key to
keep.  Make yourself at home.  There's beer in the
refrigerator and snacks in the pantry.  Will you be able to
stay for dinner?  With this great weather it would be fun to
barbecue."

  "I can stay as long as I want to.  Barbara knows that I'm
planning to talk with you.  She's not happy about it but I
really don't give a shit."

  "Mark, I'm really concerned about you.  When did you
start talking like that?  You're the one who climbs my
frame whenever I say something harsh about somebody."

  "I know, I'm sorry.  I really don't know if I'm all right or
not.  Don't worry, I'm not dying. I just have a major
problem to resolve."

  "Mark, I love you.  I'm here for you and I hope I can
help."

  "I already feel better Stevie.  I love you too and I'll see
you Wednesday.  Goodbye sweetheart."

  "Goodbye Mark."



  Tuesday was busy.  I continued unpacking and
familiarizing myself with the nursery routine.  The couple
that sold me the business, Bill and Pauline Martin, were
very organized.  Everything was in perfect order.  My only
real challenge was the delivery schedule.  It had always
been Bill Martin's policy to ship every order within three
business days.  A policy I intended to keep, but I'd be left
with little time to expand the mail order aspect of the
business.  I was hoping I could convince either Dan or
Karen to work more hours.

  My meeting in Ventura could not have gone better.  As
chance would have it, the owners of a large nursery in
Orange County were visiting when I arrived.   They were
looking for a grower that could supply them with
California native plants.   I could do just that.  In fact, my
plan was to specialize in natives.  In particular, they were
looking for several species of native oaks. I had five of the
varieties they wanted.  They placed their first order with
me.

  While driving home on Highway 126, traffic began to
build.  In those days Highway 126 between Santa Paula
and Filmore was an infamous section of road.  The
highway was widely known for the many, often-fatal,
accidents that annually occurred.   So I took my time and
enjoyed the beauty of the area.  Orange and avocado
orchards line both sides of the highway and stretch up the
gentle slopes of the surrounding hills.

  As the traffic became more congested, I tried to remain
patient, but was increasingly anxious to get home.  The
man, who held sway over my heart, would be waiting for
me.



Chapter 6 - To Love and to Cherish, From This Day
Forward

  My property is completely fenced and you have to open a
gate to gain access.  Once through the gate you follow a
gravel road that leads to my house.  The road is lined on
both sides with cottonwood trees, creating the illusion that
you are in the country, when in fact, the community of
Newhall is only ten minutes away.

  Approaching my house, I could see Mark's car parked
near the garage.  I felt like a child at Disneyland.  Mark
was sitting on the front porch with a beer in his hand.
When he saw me approaching he stood up and walked in
my direction.  Opening my car door he pulled me into his
strong arms and we hugged for a long time.

  "I've missed you so much sweetheart."  Before I could
say anything, he kissed me.  His lips lingered against mine
for a long time.

  As we walked toward the front porch I noticed Dan
standing by the greenhouse.  He was staring at us with his
mouth wide open.  'Oh great, I've probably just lost Dan,
just when I need him the most,' I thought to myself.

  "I'm going to take a quick shower and change clothes," I
told Mark upon entering the house.

  Not in his usual business attire, Mark had evidently
changed clothes before I arrived home. Wearing a tank top
and shorts he was a vision of masculinity.  He had me so
excited I thought about jerking off while in the shower.  I
decided against it.

  When I came out of the bedroom Mark was sitting on the
couch looking sexier than ever.  He just sat there grinning
at me until I couldn't take it any longer.  "What are you
grinning at?" I asked.

  "You."

  "And why?" I asked, smiling at him.

  "Just seeing you and my world seems sane again.  I don't
ever want to take for granted what I have.  God has
blessed me with the best friend in the world."

  I was surprised when Mark mentioned God.  He knew
that I was a Christian, but we rarely talked about spiritual
matters.  It felt good to hear him acknowledge God.

  I opened a bottle of beer and sat down next to him on the
couch.  I put my arm around him and hoped my action
would convey what I felt in my heart.

  "How long can you stay Mark?  Can you spend the
night?  It'll be late when we finish eating and talking and
I'll worry about you driving all the way back to the Base
tonight."

  "We'll see.  I have to be at work at 8:00 in the morning.
I'll have to get up pretty early if I spend the night.  If I'm
tired, I'll crash here."

  We went outside to start the coals in the barbecue.  I
could tell that Mark was getting a little tense so I knew he
was about to `spill his guts'.   Sitting side by side on the
porch swing, we opened our second bottles of beer.

  "Okay Stevie, let me tell you what's going on.  Last
Friday, after work, I arrive home and find Barbara crying.
She hadn't been feeling well and had called in sick to
work.  I asked her what was wrong and she just glares at
me.  Her eyes were so angry."

  'What the hell do you care'?  She yells at me.  'Your
going to take off tomorrow with Steven and won't give a
damn about how I feel.  I can't compete with him.  Shit,
he's even better looking than I am.'

  'What are you talking about?'  I asked her.  You aren't
making any sense.  You know that I promised to help
Steven move.  He's my best friend.'

  'Well why the fuck am I not your best friend?'  She
screams at me.

  "Steven, by now I'm really getting hot.  Before she
moved in with me, we had an honest talk about my
relationship with you.  I told her that I loved you and that
you were the most important person in my life. I asked her
if she would feel threatened by you or hurt by our love.
She told me she didn't care; in fact she thought it was
sweet.  We even laughed about it.  All she really wanted
was my cock, she joked.  Now she's screaming at me and
acting like I betrayed her.

  "Oh no Mark, I was afraid this would happen," I
interrupted.  "I'm so sorry..."

  "Don't be sorry Steven.  It's not your fault and you
haven't heard the worst part yet."

  "Well hold that thought for just one minute longer, " I
said while patting his thigh.  "I need to put the steaks on
the barbecue, the coals are probably ready."

  "You bought steaks buddy?"

  "Yes, Porterhouse, your favorite."

  As I was putting the meat on the grill, Mark walked up
behind me and slipped both of his hands under my shirt
and began rubbing my belly and chest.

  "Thank you for loving me Stevie," he said while kissing
my ear.

  "I'll always love you Mark."  I didn't know what else to
say or do.  This gesture had totally taken me by surprise.  I
turned slowly and looked deep into his sorrowful eyes.

  "Mark, what else happened?" I asked.

  We sat back down on the patio and he continued with the
story.

  "I tried to explain our relationship.  I told her how we
met and the many great times we've had together.  I
reminded her that I had fallen in love with you long before
I had met her. Weird?  Perhaps.  But I wasn't about to
change anything."

  'Well you better think about making some changes Mr.
Williams.  You're about to become a father.'  she snaps at
me.

 'Your pregnant? How long have you known?'

  'I just found out today.  I was at the doctor this morning.
If you didn't spend all your time dreaming about your
precious Steven you may have seen the signs.  I missed
my last period.  I wouldn't expect you to know that, but
my recent bouts with nausea should have given you a clue.
Or did you even notice?'

  "Steven, at that point I didn't know what to say or do.  I
felt badly that I hadn't been more observant.  I knew she
hadn't been feeling well but I thought she had the flu.
Everybody at work has been sick lately.  I could even
understand her anger.  Facing an unexpected pregnancy
with a man who isn't totally committed to the relationship
must have terrified her.  We both cooled down and
decided we would resume the conversation the next
morning."

  I was stunned.  I didn't see this one coming.  My face
must have looked horrified.  Mark smiled and reminded
me that he was the father, not me.

  "Mark, can I ask you something personal?"

  "Sure."

  "You've never told me how you feel about Barbara.  Do
you love her?

  "No, I don't love Barbara.  Stevie, maybe you haven't
noticed, but I'm a very sexual man.  I mean...sex is real
important to me.  That's why I've had so many girlfriends.

  When I met Barbara I thought she was really hot.  She
started flirting with me at work, and I was flattered.  What
the hell, ask her out, I thought to myself.  We went out to
dinner and I fucked her that night.  The sex was good - for
both of us.  I know this sounds shallow, but she only
moved in with me to make the sex more convenient.  We
were both up front and honest about it.   No commitments
and no strings attached, or so I thought."

  "Thanks for telling me Mark.  That gives me a clearer
picture of what you are up against."

  "Next morning we get up early to talk.  You know me
Steven; I'm totally supportive of a woman's right to
choose.  So I ask her what she wants to do.  She starts
yelling at me and the fight begins again."

  'What do you mean, what am I going to do?  I should be
asking, what the fuck are you going to do?  Are you going
to commit to me or turn your back and walk away from
your responsibilities?  Damn it Mark, are you so dense?  I
got pregnant on purpose.'

'You told me you were on the pill.'

'I lied.  I want a serious relationship.  I knew I didn't stand
a chance if I told you the truth.  So I did what countless
women have done before me.  I used sex.  I hoped that in
time, you would come to love me.  It was wrong but I
didn't know what else to do.  I fell for you the first day I
saw you Mark.  When I realized that your heart belonged
to somebody else I decided to fight the only way I knew
how.

  I want a family Mark.  I want you to be my husband and
I want to give birth to your child.  And, make no mistake
about it; I will give birth to this child.  I'm giving you the
opportunity to be more than a sperm donor.  I'm asking
you to be a father.  I'm offering you the gift of a loving
family.  Isn't that worth something to you?  Mark, the
choice is yours; I've made mine.  Commit to your child
and me or walk away.  It's up to you.'

 I could tell that Mark was close to tears.  I took his hands
in mine.

  "Steven, how could I have been so stupid?   What am I
going to do?"

  "Mark, you're not stupid.  You believed what Barbara
told you, and you were misled.  Sometimes we let our
cocks do our thinking for us.  Hey, it's how we're built.
What Barbara did was wrong, Mark.  I don't think she
meant to hurt you.  In her own misguided way she loves
you, and out of desperation, she did a hurtful thing.

  But now, a third life is involved, and you have to make
some pretty tough decisions. And Mark, those decisions
don't have to be made overnight.  You need time to think
about this.  Don't act simply on emotion.  Take whatever
time you need to make a decision you can live with.  I'm
here for you Mark and will support you in whatever you
decide to do."

  I realized that the steaks would soon be charcoal so I
asked Mark if he was ready to eat.  Since the evening was
warm, we ate on the porch.  With the steaks we enjoyed
potato salad and corn.  I opened an excellent bottle of
Merlot and we continued our conversation as we ate.

  That evening, I learned a lot about Mark.  His childhood
had been marked by sorrow.  Not having a father in his
life had scarred him emotionally.  He told me how envious
he was of the other kids who had dads at home.  How he
wanted to have a father to go fishing or play catch with.
At one time all of his friends had joined the Indian Guides.
Without an adult male sponsor, he was not able to join.
As a teenager, he promised himself that he would never do
to his children, what his father did to Kathy and himself.
More than once I saw tears in his eyes as he spoke.   I
knew that Mark had a very hard road ahead and I feared
that he would make his decision based on his own
unhappy childhood.

  "I should probably marry Barbara," he said.

  "Why?" I asked.

  "Because she is going to have this baby and I cannot bear
the thought that my child will face life without a father."

  "You can still be a father to your child without marrying
Barbara."

  "I know, but it's so difficult for the child.  We felt like
outcasts in our neighborhood. The other families looked at
us differently.  Everybody thinks that a real family should
have a father and a mother.

  Kathy and I always felt like black sheep.  Nobody
purposely tried to hurt us, but we were treated differently.
Some felt sorry for us.  Because we had so little money,
we were rarely invited to go on the horseback riding or
bowling outings.  During the summer months, all the
mothers would plan trips to the zoo or the beach.  Mom
worked two jobs, so we just stayed home.  Steven, I won't
let that happen to my child."

  "Do you think you can create a nurturing environment for
a child in a marriage without love?   I've known couples
that say they will,  'stick it out for the kids,' and the
children are miserable.  They see their parents fighting and
somehow they come to believe that it's their fault.  Mark,
I'm not telling you what to do, but please, think this
through.  Don't act out of your own childhood sorrow.
Both you and Barbara deserve to live your lives with a
partner you love.  Promise me you won't rush into a
decision Mark."

  "Okay, I promise."

  "I don't want you to drive home tonight Mark.  It's
getting late.  We've been drinking and you are under a lot
of pressure.  Stay with me tonight, please.  Besides, I've
missed you."

  "I'll stay Stevie. I was hoping you'd insist."  He flashed
me that sexy grin that drove me crazy.

  The evening was starting to cool off so we moved into
the house and brought the bottle of wine with us.  "What
would you like to do Mark?" I asked.

  "Just sit with you, and talk.  I'm emotionally exhausted
and it feels so good just being with you.  Have I told you
lately that I love you?"

  "Yes, but feel free to tell me as often as you like.  I love
you too."

  I asked Mark to have a seat on the couch.  I put on a Van
Morrison CD and went to the bathroom to get some lotion
that I'd started rubbing on my feet at night.  Because I'm
on my feet all day, by nighttime they usually ache.  The
lotion that I had recently discovered was very soothing.  I
sat down next to him on the couch.

  "Take off your sandals Mark.  Put your feet in my lap
and relax."

  I began rubbing the lotion into his feet and I could see the
tension in his handsome face drain away.

  "That feels so good," he sighed.

  After a short time he closed his eyes and I thought he had
drifted off to sleep.  I was relieved to see him relax.  Mark
is one of those people who always see the good in
everybody.  He is trusting, hopeful and the most non-
judgmental person I've known.  He is also very sensitive
and will beat himself up if he suspects that he has hurt
somebody.  I knew that he was feeling responsible for the
happiness of his unborn child, and for Barbara.  I feared
that he had many dark hours ahead and I didn't know how
to help him.   Tonight, at least, he would relax.  I would
make certain of that.

  "Steven, there is something else on my mind.  Can I ask
you something?"

  I really thought he was asleep so I was startled when he
spoke my name.

  "Of course."

   "Why haven't we had sex?  We're so much in love.
Don't you think we're missing out on something special?"

  Although surprised by the question, I wasn't at all
uncomfortable.  I thought for a moment before answering
him.

  "Mark, I didn't think that was something you would want
to do with me.  You've never indicated that sex with a man
was of any interest to you.  You've had many women
partners but you've never spoken of men."

  "I've never been with a man, but I've sure thought a lot
about it," he said softly.  "I guess all men, at least
occasionally, must wonder what it would be like.

  Stevie, I've fantasized about you for years.  I'm so
attracted to you physically.  You have no idea how horny
you make me."

  I could hardly contain my excitement as he spoke.  Could
this really be true?  The man who had, for so long,  been
the sole subject of my fantasy life, was telling me that he
wanted to have sex with me.

  "I love your face, Steven.  Your deep blue eyes melt my
heart. Your body is perfect.  I've always hoped that one
day you would share it with me.  Earlier, when I rubbed
your hairy chest and stomach, I was so turned on.  If I
hadn't been so absorbed with my own problems I would
have gotten hard the moment I touched you."

  He paused and I could tell he was looking for some
reaction on my face.

  "Am I making you uncomfortable Stevie?"

  "No, not at all," I said while I continued to rub his feet.

   "Mark, for many months I've had a recurring dream, but
I haven't had the courage to tell you about it.  I think now
is the time:

  We are in a small bass boat fishing the inlets and coves
of June Lake.  It's early morning and mists are rising
above the cool water.  As the sun rises higher in the
eastern sky we begin to hear the voices of the many birds
hiding in the cattails and reeds that line the shore.  We are
laughing because we know that our world is perfect.  We
are truly alive, living in the moment at hand.  There is no
worry or wanting.  It's very much like the feeling I get
when we smoke weed; but better, and we're not smoking.
We know that in some unobservable way, God is with us.

  Later, as shadows begin to creep across the lake and the
air turns crisp, we row to shore.  We take the beautiful,
silvery trout that we've caught, to a small cabin near the
lake's edge.  We shower and prepare for dinner.  I light the
barbecue and you pour each of us a glass of whiskey.  We
thoroughly enjoy our meal.  There is nothing better than
trout, that has been caught only hours before, and grilled
over smoky wood.

  The whiskey gently warms us as we sit close to one
another in front of a crackling fire.  You whisper softly
that you love me.  I tell you that I want to make you happy
and give you pleasure.  Your eyes are ablaze with love and
passion as you allow me to remove your shirt.  Our bodies
press close as I begin kissing your lovely face.  My lips
press gently against you eyelids.  Your soft moans declare
your pleasure as my tongue explores your ears.  I love
kissing you.  You open your mouth to give my tongue
entry.  Your breath is intoxicating.

  I begin moving lower.  I run my fingers through the soft
hair that covers your chest and bury my face in the warmth
of your armpit.  Your body is clean and your masculine
scent is fresh and stimulating.  Your moaning increases as
I gently bite your right nipple.  I move to your left nipple
and bathe it with my tongue.  Moving lower I explore your
belly button as I slowly unzip your jeans.  You raise your
bottom off the floor allowing me space to remove your
pants.  The beauty of your body entrances me.   I slip my
hand under the waistband of your boxer shorts and run my
fingers through your dense bush.  Your body hair excites
me.

  Ever so slowly I ease your shorts down and your erect
cock rises to meet my lips.  You begin breathing harder as
my mouth eases down your shaft while my tongue licks
that sensitive area just below your glans.  My suction
grows stronger as your rapture increases.  I hear your
moans of deep pleasure and know that your ecstasy is at
hand.  The moment that I've waited for is here.  As your
balls begin to contract within their hairy sack I feel your
cock expand in my mouth.  You share your semen with
me.  I swallow every drop and my heart is filled with love.

  At that point I usually awaken and my cock is so hard it
hurts.  I jerk off as I replay the dream over and over in my
mind."

  As I was telling Mark of my dream, I had moved my
hands from his feet and began massaging his calves.  The
feel of his strong muscles and the coarseness of the hair on
his legs was exciting me.  I was becoming aroused and I'm
sure Mark could feel my hardness as his feet pressed
gently into my lap.  I looked into his face and was
surprised to see tears in his eyes.

  "My God Stevie, would you really do that for me?"
That's what I've always hoped for. I want to make love to
you Steven."

  "Mark, " I said tenderly.  "Don't ever doubt my love for
you or my desire to share myself with you.  I want, more
than anything else, to make love to you.  I want to spend
the rest of my life making love with you.  Do you believe
me Mark?  I need to know that you believe me."

  "Of course I believe you sweetheart.  How could I doubt
you?  You would never lie to me."

  "Good, because Mark, I gave you my heart that afternoon
in Red Rock Canyon, when you first told me that you
loved me.  I knew then that you were the only person for
me.  With or without sex, it didn't matter.  I knew I would
love you until the day I die.

  When you asked Barbara to move in with you and you
told me, 'how hot her pussy is,' I knew that our
relationship would not include sex.  But I didn't care,
because I knew that you loved me.  Now that I know, that
sex could very well be part of our life together, well, you
can imagine how happy I am.  But Mark, we have some
pretty big issues to resolve before we take that next,
glorious step.  Don't you think?"

  "Well, yes...I guess so.   I need to figure out what I'm
going to do about Barbara.  But why should that stop us
from making love?"

  "Because it might become one more confusing emotional
piece in this already complex puzzle.  I think it's important
that you make up your mind about Barbara and your child,
without any added complications from our relationship.

  Regardless of what you choose to do, we will always
love each other.  Knowing that, I could die now, and I'd
die a happy man.  But Mark, if we have sex now, I'm
afraid it might ruin what we have."

  "I don't understand."

  "If we have sex, and then you marry Barbara, I couldn't
in clear conscience continue to have sex with you.  That
would destroy me.   Or, if you decide to stay with me
because of the sex, how will you feel later as you watch
your child growing up without you?  You may come to
resent me.  That too would destroy me.  Until you can
make a decision that you are completely happy with, I
think we should wait.  Believe me Mark, I don't want to
wait.  But I think we should.

  My dear, incredibly handsome, sweet, honest, generous
and sexy friend - I love you so much.  Please understand
that I can't risk losing your love or respect.  Without your
love, the Steven that you've come to know, would cease to
exist."

  It broke my heart as I looked at his tormented face.

  "Steven, if I'd only known that you wanted to have sex
with me, I would have never asked Barbara out in the first
place.  I enjoy sex, I always have, but I didn't think you
would do it with me.

  Sex has been my security blanket.  A way of reassuring
myself that I'm loved.  That's why I've jumped from one
partner to the next.  I've desperately tried to find the love
that my father withheld from me.  Now I've found that
love, in you, but we can't bring it to consummation
because I've so thoroughly fucked everything up."

  With that Mark completely broke down.  I had never
seen him so devastated.  He sat upright and broke into
sobs.  My heart was being ripped from my chest as I
watched the man I love, falling apart.  I took him into my
arms and just let him cry.

  After many long minutes he stopped crying.  My strong
handsome man looked like a scared and vulnerable little
boy.

  "I don't know what to do Steven."

  "Of course you don't, it's too soon.  You need more time
to think.  There is no right or easy answer.  Your decision
has to be what is best for you.  You cannot do what is best
for Barbara, your child or me.  I know how hard it is
Mark, but you must put yourself first.  If you can do that,
the rest will fall into place."

  I could feel Mark starting to relax again.  As he sat back I
once again put his feet in my lap and started to rub his
legs.

  "Thank you Stevie."  What you are doing feels
wonderful. I want to make you feel wonderful too."

  "Don't worry, you are."

  We sat there for a long time just enjoying each other's
presence.  That remains, to this day, one of my great joys
with Mark.  There are never demands or expectations from
the other.  Our happiness comes from each other's
company.  We don't have to be doing anything at all.  Just
being together is enough.

  While sitting there thinking, I realized that I was at fault,
at least in part, for the dilemma Mark was facing.

  "Mark, I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell you
about my sexual feelings.  Had I done so I may have
spared you a lot of grief.  I've been so damn scared that I
might be Gay.  I don't know how much Kathy told you
about our sexual relationship, but I was a horrible lover.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but most of the time
I felt I had the wrong Williams in bed.  I wanted you.  I
love Kathy deeply and don't regret our relationship, but it
added to my sexual confusion."

  "Kathy never said anything negative to me about you.
She did indicate there were sexual problems. I could tell
that neither of you was satisfied.  But I didn't know why.
Are you attracted to women at all, Steven?"

  "Yes I am, but I prefer men."

  "So you are probably bisexual with a preference for men.
I've always thought of myself as bisexual with a
preference for women.  Why are you so concerned about
the labels though?"

  "I've always been taught the homosexuality is sinful.
That it's unnatural.  Until you came into my life I refused
to even think about it.  I dated a few girls and hoped that
they would be able to teach me how to enjoy sex.  It just
didn't happen.  Then you appear in my life, and for the
first time, I understand passion.  I fantasize about you
during the day and I dream about you at night."

  "I can't speak for anybody but myself," Mark said.  "But I
don't believe that sex, of any kind, is sinful.  That's just
another way many religions try to control their followers.
Keep the flock feeling sinful and you keep the pews full,
to say nothing of the collection plates.  Everybody loves
sex so the church has a captive audience.

  Homosexuality is very natural.  It occurs in nature.
Many species of animals practice it.  I've heard that
dolphins appear to enjoy it.  It may not be what's normal,
but it is definitely natural."

  "Mark, I'm not saying that we will never have sex.  I just
want to be certain that when we do, we won't have to
worry about the consequences, or have any regrets.  I think
that's what's so significant about my dream.  We are able
to have sex without worry.  In the meantime, we still love
each other and can have a lot of fun together."

  "What do you have in mind big boy?"  The humor was
back in Mark's eyes and he was grinning at me.

  "Let's go to bed and I'll show you."

  "Do you mind if I take a quick shower?  If I take one
tonight I won't have to get up quite as early."

   "Go ahead and I'll clean up the kitchen."

  Having our sexual desires out in the open was a great
relief to me.  No more pretending, at least with Mark.  I
wanted to make passionate love with him the moment he
got out of shower, but I knew we should wait until he
sorted through the other issues in his life.  I could still
make him happy though.

  After cleaning the kitchen and front porch, I filled a
mixing bowl with water and began heating it in the
microwave.  Mark had left the bathroom door unlocked so
I went in and retrieved a bottle of baby oil that I kept in
the medicine cabinet.  Mark was unaware that I even
entered.  I heard the microwave buzzer sound and knew
the water was hot.  Bringing the bowl back to the bedroom
I placed the bottle of oil in the water and placed the bowl
and a towel on the night stand.

  I just assumed Mark would want to sleep with me.  We
are both tall men but there would be plenty of room for us
in my king-sized bed.  I took everything off except my
boxers and sat at the end of the bed waiting for him to
finish in the bathroom.

  I wasn't at all bashful or ashamed of the way I looked.
I'd kept myself in good shape by daily exercise and
frequent hiking.  I'm 6'4" and weigh 195 pounds.  Like
Mark, my chest, belly and legs are hairy, although his hair
is much darker than mine is.  My cock is circumcised and
is slightly over seven inches when erect.

  Mark had a towel wrapped around his waist when he
came out of the bathroom.  When he saw me in my boxers
a smile crept across his face.

  "Steven, how am I going to keep my hands off of you if
we sleep together?"

  "I never said you have to keep your hands off of me."

   I walked into the bathroom to wash up and brush my
teeth.  When I returned Mark was lying on the bed
wearing only his underwear.  He looked puzzled.

  "What's up buddy, you look confused?" I said smiling.

  "I am confused.  What do you mean; I don't have to keep
my hands off of you?"

  "You can touch me if you want to.  We touch each other
all the time?  We hold hands, we kiss, hell, at Red Rock I
slept with my face nuzzled against your magnificent chest.
I even licked your nipple, but you didn't know it.  None of
that is going to change between us, in fact, I want to do
more.

  All I'm trying to say is this - I think we need to give you
enough time to sort through your feelings about Barbara,
before we make love.  For me that means an emotional
commitment that is expressed through intercourse and oral
sex.  But Mark, there are so many other things we can
share.  If you are up to it, I'd like to start now."

  "Of course I'm up to it, but I don't have a clue what you
have in mind."

  "Mark, you've been through hell this past week.  I can
hear it in your voice and it is written across your
handsome face.  I'm afraid the problem is not about to go
away anytime soon.  Other than being your best friend and
`wannabe' lover, there is little I can do to make it go away.
But what I can do, I will.  I will always be available for
you.  I'll listen to you and I'll cry with you.  I'll give you
advice if you want it, and I will make you laugh.  Tonight
I want to help you relax. All I ask in return is that you
forget about your problems.  They'll be waiting for you in
the morning.   Will you do that for me?"

  "Yes sweetheart."

  I walked around to Mark's side of the bed and told him to
turn over on his stomach.  By then the oil had warmed
nicely and I poured a small amount on his back. Slowly
and sensually I began kneading the tight muscles in his
neck and back.  I'd never given a massage so really didn't
know what I was doing.  Evidently I was hitting the right
spots because Mark began moaning under his breath.  I'd
lightly run my fingertips from the base of his neck to the
waistband on his underwear.  When I wanted to add
pressure, I'd use the heel of my hand and press with a
downward circular motion.

  Mark is very ticklish so I tried to be careful.  A couple of
times, especially when I ran my fingernails down his
sides, he'd jump and laugh.  "You're making me feel so
good baby," he'd softly coo.

  Stress always manifests itself in Mark's neck, so I spent a
lot of time working both his neck and back muscles.

  Feeling his strong muscles and hearing his deep sighs
had me excited.  My cock was hard in no time at all.  It
would occasionally stick out through the front slot of my
boxer shorts.  Because Mark was on his stomach, he
couldn't see it.

  Moving to the end of the bed, I poured oil on his feet.  I
started with his toes.  I would seductively grasp each toe
and stroke it like I was jacking him off.   I could tell Mark
was getting really excited.

  "You don't know what you're doing to me sweetheart,"
he sighed.

  "Oh yes I do".

  "I want to make you feel as good," he said sweetly.

  "You are.  When you turn over you'll see for yourself."

  "You're hard, aren't you?  I want to see you."

  "No, not yet.  Just relax and enjoy."

  After giving each toe considerable attention, I began
rubbing the bottom of his feet.  Being ticklish, that was a
little too much for him so I began my upward ascent on his
legs.

  I love his fuzzy legs.  The dark hair begins at his ankles
and continues to the base of his knees where it stops.  It
resumes just above the knee and continues upward where
it disappears beneath his underwear.  Mark has a desk job
so I'm always surprised when I realize how strong his legs
are.  The muscles are taut and give the impression that he
is a runner.

  When I reached the top of his legs I began sliding my
hands under his briefs.  He began squirming and rotating
his hips.  I knew he was hard and was stimulating his cock
against the bed.  I reached under the waistband of his
briefs and slowly began pulling them down.  Mark raised
his hips to allow me space to pull them off.  I pulled them
slowly down his legs and placed them on the floor at the
foot of the bed.

  Mark's ass is so beautiful.  It's full and muscular.  His
cheeks, having never seen the sun, were quite pale in
contrast to his tanned back and legs.  There was little hair
on those gorgeous cheeks but I could see more hiding in
the crack between them.  As I rubbed his ass I thought I
heard Mark crying.  If so, I knew it was out of happiness
so I said nothing.

  Very slowly, I ran my finger from the top to the bottom
of his crack.   I could feel the moist warmth as I continued
along the inside of his cheeks.  I paused as my finger
found his small opening.  Very lightly I began to rub his
hole and the sensitive area around it.

  "Oh my god Stevie, what are you doing?  Nobody has
ever touched me there.  Ahhhh, that feels so incredible.
How did you know to do that?"

  "I don't know.  I've read about it in `friction stories'.
Nobody has ever touched me there either."

  "I didn't know that you read that kind of stuff.  So do I,
but was embarrassed to tell you."

  "I guess we're learning a lot about each other today.  Are
you enjoying this Mark?"

  "So much.  I love you Steve."

  "I love you Mark."

  I very gently inserted my finger into his opening, only
slightly.  Mark gasped and jumped a little.

  "Sorry," I said.

  "No, it's ok.  You just surprised me.  I wish you would
stick something else up there though."

  "I will baby, but not tonight."

  I continued to caress his ass.  Mark's sighs of
contentment were gratifying to hear.  I wanted, so much,
to take our love to the next level, but knew better.  After a
few more minutes I asked him to turn over.  When he did,
it took all of my self-control, to refrain from taking him
into my mouth.

  What an incredible looking man he is.  I can't say enough
about his beauty.   His face and body had been sculpted by
God.  His cock was fully erect and a small puddle of
precum beginning to collect on his stomach.  I was
surprised at how much his cock resembled mine.  About
the same size and shape, although his is slightly bigger
around.

  My cock was still sticking straight out of my boxers and
Mark was staring at it.

  "You look good Stevie.  I want you so badly."

  "Thanks baby, but tonight it's my turn to pleasure you."

  "But my greatest pleasure would be getting you off."

   "We'll see."

    I poured oil across his broad chest and began rubbing
his nipples as I kissed his mouth.  I knew that neither one
of us could hold off much longer so I began massaging his
chest and belly.  His moans grew louder as I lightly rubbed
his precum around the head of his penis.  With the oil on
my hand and the added lubrication from his precum I
started to stroke his beautiful penis. With my left hand I
cupped his large ball sack and began a very gentle
massage while my right hand increased its pumping.

  "Stevie, I can't stop, I'm going to cum".   I heard deep
sounds coming from his throat when suddenly he growled,
Aaaarrrrrrr.."

  Mark shot clear up to his face.  Burst after burst flew
from his cock and splattered across his face, chest and
belly.  He looked beautiful.  His chest was heaving and his
eyes were closed.  I knew I had made him happy.  Mission
accomplished.

  When his breathing finally slowed, he opened his eyes
and smiled at me.  I will never forget that look.  The man
that I loved more than life, said more with that smile, than
anything words could convey.

  He pulled me into his arms and kissed me with a passion
I'd only dreamed of.  His hand reached into my boxers and
he gently but firmly grabbed my dick.  I didn't even try to
resist him.

  "Stevie, I love you so much and I want to make you cum.
Please, please let me take care of you."

  "Okay Mark, go ahead and jerk me off.  But I want to
save everything else for the right time.  You know what
mean, don't you?"

  "Yes I know what you mean and I'll respect your wishes.
I don't want to though."

  "Thank you my love."

  Mark rubbed some of his semen from his hairy chest onto
his right hand.  With his left hand he gently pulled my
boxers down.  Slowly and sensuously he began stroking
my cock.  It felt so incredibly good, so much better than
anything I'd ever done to myself.

  He began kissing me.  His tongue was half way down my
throat when I exploded in his hand.  I wanted to scream
with pleasure, but with his mouth firmly planted on my
lips, all I could do was whimper.  Slowly the spasms
subsided and he took his mouth from mine.  We lay there
for a long time, not saying anything.  Nothing needed to
be said.  We were both a sticky mess but we didn't care.
The last thing I remember seeing was his radiant grin, just
before I fell asleep in his arms.

  Although we didn't fall asleep until sometime after
midnight, I was wide awake by 4:30 A.M.  Mark was still
sleeping soundly so I quietly got up and slipped into the
shower.  My chest hair was matted with dried semen.  It
took some work to get it all out.

  The memories of the night before were so pleasant I was
tempted to get back into bed and start all over again.  But I
knew Mark had to be at work early so I resisted
temptation.  Besides, Mark needed to make up his mind
without any interference or temptation from me.  Last
night my intention was to help Mark relax and feel good
about himself.  I didn't expect the conversation, or our
behavior, to become sexual.  I'm very happy that it did, but
wondered if I may have taken it too far.

  Mark was still sleeping when I came out of the bathroom.
I quietly went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast.  I
started a pot coffee and began preparing bacon, eggs,
hash-browned potatoes and toast.  A few minutes later
Mark walked in and greeted me with a cheerful, "good
morning sweetheart."

  "Good morning handsome, how did you sleep?" I asked
smiling.

  "I slept great.  I loved having you in my arms all night."

  "I love you Mark and hope you never tire of me telling
you so.  I've just started breakfast. You have time to
shower and get ready for work."

  He walked across the kitchen to where I was standing
and tenderly kissed my lips.  He grinned, then walked to
the bathroom.  Even with disheveled hair, needing a shave,
and matted chest hair; he looked terrific.

  While eating breakfast, we talked about the previous
evening.  Mark was ready to move in with me and tell
Barbara to take a hike. I knew that was a decision he
wasn't prepared to make - at least not at this point.

  "Mark," I encouraged, "don't make any decisions yet;
give yourself some time to understand the whole situation
and determine what is the best course for you.  Remember
that I'm always here.  You have a key to my house and as
far as I'm concerned, this is your home too."

  After considerable soul searching, he agreed to give the
matter more thought, and not rush into a decision.  We
also agreed that we would continue to express our love
physically, even if it didn't go beyond what occurred last
night.

   I wanted Mark as my life partner.  Encouraging him to
be patient, and not act out of emotion, was the hardest
thing I'd ever done.

  It was time for Mark to leave and neither of us wanted to
say goodbye.  As I watched him drive down my long
driveway, I prayed for him.

 I knew what Mark's decision would be.   He wouldn't
choose Barbara over me.  But, because of his sad
childhood, he would never allow his child to grow up
without a dad.

  My life suddenly felt empty.  Knowing that I'd see him
often, and that we'd talk daily on the phone, was little
consolation.   My small house seemed huge and sterile.
I knew that my bed would be the loneliest spot in the
house.  I sat down on my front porch and wept.


To be continued.


Thank you for the outpouring of support.  I've received
many messages of encouragement and I'm sincerely
thankful for each one.  I'll try to answer every message as
quickly as possible.  Please e-mail me at:
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