Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 21:17:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: John <traveller_1141@yahoo.com>
Subject: james-3

Hey everybody... sorry this has taken so long for me to get out, but I'm
sure you all understand what it's like being a college student.  Tests,
papers, books to read, all that great stuff.  I hope you guys liked the
first two parts; part 3 is a little longer and we're really going to get
rolling.  Special thanks to Cory, Greg, DivineGlow, and everybody else who
has read this story so far.  To those of you who have emailed me, thanks a
lot... please email me with your comments, I love reading what you have to
say!!!


	My realization of that night proved to be very correct, I
discovered over the course of the next three weeks.  James and I started
spending a lot of time together.  He came over a lot for dinner and a
movie, or we would go play in the park.  Yeah, I know it seems dumb to go
playing in a park, but it was nice to be carefree for once.  Besides, it
gave me a chance to ogle James' fine body.

	One time we ended up playing a game of one on one basketball, and
he I decided it was a good opportunity to feel him up a few times.  Each
time I did it he would let out this cute sound, then he would grin and
mutter, "Pervert."  It was nice to be so light for once.

	Then there was the time we went roller blading.  I think that James
was born on wheels, since he always had to slow down for me.  I am not too
good on those things, and I was constantly losing my balance.  Then again,
it's hard to concentrate when the guy you are with happens to be gorgeous
and he strips off his shirt about one minute into the day.

	I skidded and slipped about five feet behind him, but I got a great
rear view.  James was wearing a loose pair of nylon shorts that somehow
managed to leave both everything and nothing to the imagination.

Every stride he took would cause one of his round, hard ass cheeks to push
against the nylon.  He also had a beautifully developed back.  He didn't
have exceptionally broad shoulders, but they were very nicely muscled, and
his back tapered nicely to his waist.  All this would be going on in front
of me, so I don't think it was a far stretch of the imagination that I
would lose myself in the action of his ass muscles and then find myself
sprawled on the sidewalk.  Besides, it gave me a chance to look up James'
shorts when he would turn around and come back to haul me up.

	"Damn, your ass is heavy.  You need to drop some of that weight,"
he said after the fourth time.  I gave him a withering stare, and he broke
into laughter.  "You know, I am beginning to think you are falling on
purpose.  Nobody who is athletic as you is THIS uncoordinated."

	I just grinned.  "I'll never tell," I said as I pushed off and
glided smoothly past him.


	That's how our relationship went in the early stages.  It was
extremely light and free, compared to the raw, intense first night.  It
just reinforced my belief that James was psychic, since he seemed to know
exactly what I needed.  All of my previous relationships had been
emotionally intense, and I was always drained after a few days, and I
needed the playfulness and lightness, and it worked wonders.  I was forming
an incredibly intense bond already.

	Granted, we did have some intense times over those three weeks.  A
lot of the time, something I would see on TV or hear on the radio would
spark something in me and we would end up with me on the floor, sitting
between James' legs with my back to him, and him sitting on the couch
rubbing my shoulders.

I would pour my heart out to him, and he would sit and listen patiently.

	One time James had come over for dinner, and we were washing an
incredible week's worth of dishes and listening to the news.  There was a
report on this special program for gifted children, and James noticed how I
had gotten quiet and was paying close attention to the report.

	He put his dishtowel down and turned to me.  "So you want to talk
about it?"

	I just smiled ruefully and began washing again.  "It's just funny
that they talk about that.  Did I ever tell you how I was a `smart kid'?" I
asked him.

	"I don't think so... what happened?"

	I finished washing a plate and handed it to him and he began
drying.  "Well, I was always smart.  I talked at an early age, I read at an
early age, all that great stuff.  It wasn't bad at first, being in
elementary school, because kids don't pay much attention at that age.  But
then we started athletics and then it all changed.  I wasn't interested, so
they started teasing me."

	"Children can be so cruel," James said with a snicker.

	I grinned back.  "Yeah, no kidding.  I would come home every day,
pouting about what some stupid brat said to me.  I didn't really know how
to let that kind of stuff roll off at the time; I guess I still don't."

	James just nodded at me.  "Yeah... go on."

	"Well, one day I got into a fight with this one kid.  He said
something to me... he called me a sissy brain and for some reason, I
snapped.  I ended up pounding the kid into the ground, which was no small
feat for me.  He must have outweighed me by 15 pounds.  I told James that
the scene was like that one in A Christmas Story when Ralphie beats up the
neighborhood bully.  James was clutching his sides in hysterics as I
described how I let out a "stream of profanity" as I bloodied and bruised
this kid's face.

	As I went on, I told him about how I began to slip into a
withdrawn, colder manner.  I began working on my athletics even then, at
age 10.  I just withdrew from being the outgoing, friendly kid I once was
and slipped into my silent, "tough guy" demeanor.  I got into a few more
fights between then and my sophomore year in high school, and nobody ever
bothered me again.  James put his hand on my shoulder and rested his head
on it, silently giving me support.  I told him how I forced myself into a
football powerhouse, starting all four years of high school at linebacker.

	At that point, James pulled away and began concentrating on his
dishes again, which confused me.

I looked at him, but he was fixed on a pot he was drying.  Without looking
up, he asked, "So... did you ever mess around with your teammates in high
school?"

	I looked over at James again, expecting to see the sly grin that
always crossed his face when he spoke about sex, but he was still fixed on
the pot.  This was really getting to me.  "Nah, I didn't mess around in
high school at all... why do you ask?"

	"No reason," he responded quickly.  He finished drying the pot and
walked out of the kitchen.

Now I was really confused, and I was beginning to get a little bit pissed.
Here I was, spilling my guts, and he was clamming up on me.  I quickly
dried my hands and followed him into the living room, where I saw him
sitting outside the door smoking.

	I sat down next to him.  "What's wrong with you?"

	He exhaled, blowing smoke.  "Nothing.  Why?"

	"Well, you just got quiet all of a sudden."

	He dragged again, deeply.  "Nah, nothing wrong... just needed a
smoke."

	"Well, okay... I guess I'll finish the dishes while you smoke."  He
just nodded and dragged again.

I went back in and finished the dishes, more confused than ever.  I was
beginning to see a pattern with James.  Whenever I talked about most stuff,
he was always very supportive, but whenever I brought up my family or
something like that, he got weird on me.  He especially got weird whenever
I talked about my high school and college sports days.

I just figured he had something happen with his family that bothered him
when I talked about mine, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what
about my sports days got to him.  I was just mulling this over when James
walked in.  "Hey babe, I need to go get some stuff done before tomorrow, so
I'm cutting out early."

I walked over to him.  "Okay," I said, "But you'll miss the good movies.
This is the only night they're free on cable."

James grinned at me.  "Always about being a poor grad student, huh?" he
quipped.

I couldn't help it... the girliest sounding giggle erupted from my throat,
making James fall all over himself in laughter.  I seriously thought he was
going to wet himself.  I was mortified; I can't believe a sound like that
came from my throat.

"Okay," he said after he got his breath.  "I'm out of here."  He bent and
kissed me on the cheek ad gave me a hug, then he left.

I sat at the window, watching him walk down the street.  Our relationship
was going really well, so far, but there were some surprises.  First of
all, I think we set a record for a gay relationship.  For a guy as horny as
I always seem to be and for a guy as sensuous as James always is, the fact
that we hadn't had sex yet was a shocker.  This was going on four weeks.  I
had set a personal best jerking off recently.  A date with James always had
me in a lather, and we never really did anything beyond basic touching
above the waist.

I decided right then that I was going to do a little investigating.  I
changed my clothes quickly and went down to TB's.  Yeah, I know, a bar
named TB's?  It's kind of gross if you think of a disease, but all in all,
it was the nicest bar in town.  My two best friends Todd and Barry owned
it.  Todd ran the bar, another guy named Karl was the manager, and Barry
usually showed up on odd nights.

As a matter of fact, it was Barry that forced me to go to the bar the night
I met James.  Barry is 32 and works as a corporate attorney.  He's really
cute.  Actually, to meet him, you would think he's a total airhead.  Blond
hair, sort of slim, total pretty boy.  But if you look in his eyes when
he's in lawyer mode, and it's all ice.  Barry can be one of the coldest and
most ruthless guys in the world, which makes me very glad he's on my side.
So it isn't that all surprising that he was able to bulldoze me into going
down to TB's that night.  I may be a tank, but I can't stand up to his
personality.

Todd is Barry's husband, and they have been together longer than I have
known them.  They were celebrating their second anniversary the month after
I first met Todd.  Todd is absolutely beautiful.  I met him the first week
I was in town to start my undergraduate degree.  I was redshirted that
year, so I didn't do any football stuff with the team.  I started trying
out gyms in town just for fun, and while I was at this one, I saw this
incredible male animal.  He had short black hair in a brush cut, piercing
blue eyes, and a body that you usually only see on porn stars.

Once I finally got over seeing him, I actually struck up a conversation.
It came up that he was married, but he asked me if I would like to come out
with his husband and him that night, so I could meet people.  I readily
agreed, since I was desperately lonely at the time.

That started the ball rolling.  Todd and Barry were really the only people
I truly connected with, and we did a lot of stuff.  I was at the
celebration Todd threw when Barry made partner in his firm, and I was there
for their fifth anniversary.  In fact, I am in charge of their tenth
anniversary party, which is coming up soon.  I was also there when Todd
opened up his baby, his dream, a bar and grill.  I never felt like the
third wheel when I was with them.  I think that I will always be for the
better for all the time I spent with them in the years before I came out,
because now I will always have them as a role model for a good gay
relationship.

So that night after James left, I went down to TB's, the aforementioned bar
and grill.  It's pretty all-inclusive, but pretty much a gay place.  Todd
is big on sports, so he always shows ESPN and major games and stuff, but
there is also a dance floor and a stage for the occasional strip or drag
show.  You can also get pretty decent food there.

I walked in and immediately saw Todd.  You can't miss him, mainly because
of his black hair and build... or maybe because of the crowd that's always
around him.  Barry and I always get a kick out of this, as they always hit
on Todd relentlessly, and Todd is very polite but always distant... until
Barry shows up.

Then I get to sit back and watch the mouths drop and the gazes turn green
as Todd always starts making out with Barry as soon as he shows up.

Todd looked up and saw me and grinned big.  The crowd turned and looked to
see what attracted the god's attention, and saw me.  I got a few interested
glances, but I knew how to express my disinterest.

The crowd cleared open as I walked up to the bar.  "Hey buddy, how's it
going tonight?"

I smiled at Todd.  "Pretty good, Todd... got something on my mind, though.
Have you got a minute?"

Todd grinned even bigger.  "Always a minute for you, bud.  Hang on a sec,
let me get Jim off his break."  Jim works the bar as well.  He's also cute
in a rugged kind of way; rumor is he's into leather.  He's always been cool
to me.

Jim walked up and took Todd's place and Todd motioned me to a table over in
the corner.  I could hear the disappointed murmur as Todd walked away from
his crowd.  "Your fan club isn't happy to see you go, stud," I joked.

Todd just laughed.  "I think they'll get over it.  So what's up?"

I stared at my hands for a second, then stared right into Todd's eyes.  "So
what do you know about James's past?"

Todd looked away for a minute, then back at me.  "What makes you ask that,
Dave?  Everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just we've been talking and he clams up at strange times."

Todd frowned.  "Like when?"

I shrugged.  "I was talking about my old football days tonight, and that
made him quiet.  He asked me if I ever messed around with any of the guys
on the team in high school, and he had this weird look on his face.  Oh
yeah, he also gets quiet anytime I talk about my family."

Todd frowned again.  Damn, he looked pretty even then.  "Wow, Dave... I
never would have thought that he had anything going on like that."

I just looked at him for a second, studying his face.  Todd could never
hide anything from anybody; he's just too expressive.  "You're lying, Todd.
You know something."

Todd just looked at me.  "Dave, this isn't my place.  If JP has something
to tell you about his life, it should come from him."

"Todd, look."  I was starting to become exasperated.  "Every time I ask him
about what's going on, he just says nothing and starts chain smoking, which
he hardly ever does.  Now I want to know something.  If you don't tell me,
I'll just find somebody else to ask."

Todd just stared at me for a few minutes, then smiled wryly.  "You know,
Dave, this side of your personality isn't exactly endearing."

I shook my head and let out a gust of air.  "Fine, Todd.  See you later."
I got up to leave, and the Todd grabbed my arm.  I looked at his hand, then
at him.  "You have something to say?"

He just shook his head.  "Sit down," was all he said.  I recognized that
look; I had seen it on Barry's face before.  He meant business.  I sat back
down, but I wasn't going to totally back down; I kept my look of impatience
on my face.

Todd sighed.  "All right, Dave, I'll tell you something, but if you want to
know the full story, you'll either have to dig or ask JP right out.  Okay?"

I nodded.  Finally, I was about to get more than a cloud of smoke and a
muttered "nothing."

Todd took a drink from the water in front of him.  "Well, it goes back
about 5 years.  I don't know where he came from, where all this happened."
I nodded in encouragement.  "He was a decent athlete in high school and all
that, but mostly he was just popular.  You also know how he has the air of
confidence around him; well, it translated into snobbery in some eyes.  Not
that he meant it that way.

"His family was well off, I know that much.  It seemed like he had this
armor, and nothing could touch him.  He definitely had enemies around him,
and when they found the slightest dent, they went for it."

"What happened?" I asked.  Now we were getting somewhere.

"Well, he graduated and was preparing to go off to school.  He was
eighteen.  He had been out to himself for about a year at that point."  I
knew that much; he told me he had stood in front of the mirror and admitted
to himself that he was gay on his seventeenth birthday.  I just kept
nodding my head for Todd to go on, and he did.

"JP went to the town where he would be going to college and spent a few
days as part of a program they had.  While he was there, some of the guys
he met took him to a gay bar in town, and he had a great time.  He ended up
messing around with one of them, and so on.  Well, he got some stuff about
the school's gay student group and threw it in his backseat with the rest
of his stuff.  As it turns out, I guess he forgot to put it where it
wouldn't be seen or something, because it sat in his back seat for a while.
Finally, somebody noticed the rainbow booklet with the word `gay' in big
purple letters."

"Oh my God," I said.  Somehow I could see what was coming.

"Yeah," Todd said.  "Gets better.  Turns out the girl who spotted it was
the girlfriend of one of JP's rivals.  She told her boyfriend, and he told
a bunch of other guys.  Well, one night that summer, JP was leaving work
and a bunch of the guys from the football team jumped him and took him to a
barn outside of town.  They beat him up and then..." Todd paused and took a
deep breath.  Then he looked right into my eyes.  "They raped him, Dave.
Repeatedly, brutally.  Over and over, for about six hours.  They took him
back to his car, and left him lying next to it."

I closed my eyes, but that couldn't keep the image of that beautiful person
lying beaten, bloody, raped in a parking lot.  I could feel hot tears
filling my eyes.  I was starting to regret ever asking what happened.  No
wonder he didn't want to talk about it.

"Sorry, Dave, it doesn't get better.  Just gets worse," Todd said.  How
could it possibly get any worse, I wondered.  Then I found out.

Todd went on.  "After that, JP spent four days in the hospital.  He wanted
to press charges against the people who did it, but his parents were
strangely against it.  He had to admit to them that he was gay and why the
guys did it.  When he was released from the hospital, his parents... well,
they didn't outright say anything to him, but he could tell there was
something.  They were cold and distant.  Finally, he overheard them talking
about `their faggot pussy-boy son.'  He decided to leave, so he packed up
as much of his stuff as he cold and left.  He went to the town where he was
going to go to college and set about putting his life back together."

"What did he do?  How did he get by?" I wondered.

"I'm getting to that.  JP only had what he could get to himself.  His
regular bank account was joint with his parents, so he didn't use it or his
credit cards, since his parents could trace that.  He used his personal
account for as long as it lasted, which got him through the summer along
with a job as a waiter.  It wasn't enough to pay for college, so he did
something drastic.  He started stripping at a bar, and that led to
hustling.  I think the trauma of being raped and everything made him more
susceptible to falling into it.

"He hustled for about three years, and he saved everything he could.  He
carried a full course load, worked at the restaurant, and hustled in his
free time.  He got through school and here he is now."

I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  It seemed like it was all falling
into place.  True, there were big pieces of the story missing, but I had
the basics.  It all seemed perfectly logical now.  James' desire to get to
know each other before we had sex and his distance when we discussed
family... it all seemed right.

The tears were flowing freely.  My lord, what my poor James must have gone
through all those years.

I looked back up at Todd.  "I take it he still doesn't talk to his
parents?"

He smiled ruefully.  "No, not at all.  He is financially independent, so he
doesn't need to.  Barry and I met him one night when he came in here.  He
found out Barry was a lawyer and he asked for a little free legal advice.
He has a lot of money invested and saved back.  If you're worried about him
hustling, don't.  He's put that behind him, he did a long time ago."

"I know, I know.  I was just thinking about all he's had to go through.  Do
you know if he's told anybody else about this?" I asked.

Todd shook his head.  "He told Barry some of it, and Barry told me.  I
haven't asked him any of it, and he hasn't told."

I sat there thinking for a second, then stood up.  "I need to talk to him."

Todd stood up and turned me to face him.  "Look, Dave, this may have all
happened five years ago, but the wound is barely healed.  You need to give
him time to tell you this himself.  It may be that he likes you and all,
but isn't sure he trusts you yet.  You need to give him time," he repeated.

"What I need to do is let him know that I am here for him, and that he can
talk to me about it," I said as I started for the door.

"Dave, wait!" Todd called after me.  I turned back.  "Dave, you really
should wait.  If he hasn't even mentioned any of this, then you can bet
that he isn't ready for you to know yet.  He may be worried about how
you'll see him.  He doesn't want to look bad to you."

I smiled.  "I don't see him in a bad way.  I see things pretty clearly.  I
want him to know I'm here and that I don't care about his past, I just want
to be here for him."

Todd looked worried.  "Well, you have to do what you feel is right.  I
still don't think it's a good idea."

I laughed.  "Don't worry, Todd.  It will be fine."  I gave him a hug and
then walked out.  I thought about it all the way to James' apartment.  I
would walk in and give him a big hug and then tell him it was all right to
tell me anything and that he could trust me.

I finally arrived and walked up the stairs.  I stood in front of his door
and rang the bell.  All sorts of images were running through my head, none
of them bad.  I couldn't imagine that anything bad would happen.

James opened the door and had a look of total surprise on his face.  "Dave!
What are you doing here right now?"

I leaned forward and gave him a kiss.  "Hey.  Can I come in?"

He stepped back.  "Sure, dude, sure!  Come on in!"

I walked into the room.  I had only been to James' apartment once before,
and had only been there for a few minutes.  At the time I had just thought
James was very private.  Now it all seemed clear to me.

We sat down on the couch.

"So what brings you over here?" James asked.  "I wasn't expecting you."

I smiled.  "Kind of a spur of the moment thing... I was down at TB's and I
decided to drop by."

James eyebrows arched.  "Drop by?  Uh, Dave, I hate to tell you this, but
TB's is not exactly on the way."

I laughed.  "No, that's true.  I actually have something I wanted to talk
to you about."

James leaned back.  "Okay.  Shoot."

I looked in his eyes.  "Well, some stuff has been troubling me for a while.
We talk a lot, but it seems like a lot of the time, the flow of information
goes only one way."  James just nodded, so I went on.

"Then there are the times I talk about my family or stuff like that, and
then you just close up."

James was visibly starting to tense up.  I rushed on through.  "Well, I
have been wondering what's been going on.  I see you tense and quiet and
chain smoking, and it bothers me.  I couldn't get anything out of you, so I
went to see Todd."

James eyes opened wide.  "You went to Todd to find out stuff?"

I nodded.  "Yeah, and he told me.  Not everything, but enough."

James eyes closed, and he was breathing heavily.  "Oh God, oh God, oh God,"
was all he kept saying.  He got up and walked over to the window.

I stood up.  "James, none of that bothers me.  It doesn't affect my opinion
of you.  I just wish you would have told me instead of letting me sit and
wonder.  I just hope that you know you can trust me."

James just laughed.  It was a different kind of laugh, a bitter one.  He
turned to me.  There was a kind of scornful incredulity in his eyes.
"Trust?  You're talking to me about trusting you?  Do you really think I
haven't told you any of this because I was worried about how you would
think of me?

"I stopped worrying about how people saw me a long time ago.  Yes, you
mattered to me, but even if I thought you would walk away it wouldn't have
changed anything.  I would still be the same.  No, I didn't tell you
because I wasn't sure of anything yet.  I wanted to let our relationship
grow.  Things take time, dude.  Just because you spilled your guts to me
doesn't mean I am going to spill mine to return the favor.  It takes a
little longer."

I was shocked by his words.  "I thought you wanted to know all that about
me.  I thought you cared."  A hard lump was starting to rise in my throat.

James rolled his eyes.  "Yes, I wanted to know.  I wanted to help, I saw
you were in a lot of pain.

There's something else, though.  You wanted to get it out.  You wanted to
talk to somebody, you needed somebody to tell it all to."

	"What makes you so sure?  What makes you think I needed anybody?" I
was starting to yell.

"Oh come off it, Dave!  It was written all over your face.  You think you
are so unreadable, but you're like a large-print book!  You had a lot of
stuff bottled up, but you were bursting at the seams to get it all out.
But here's a news flash for you: not everybody's the same way.  I probably
would have told you everything at some point, once I was comfortable enough
on the inside.  But I don't know about you, now."

The anger was boiling.  I was starting to see red.  "Don't know about me?
What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you betrayed my trust.  You told me stuff that you were ready to
tell.  I wasn't ready to tell, so instead of giving me time, you decided to
go behind my back and go searching for the dirt.  Then you come over here
like some guardian angel to save me." I could hear disgust in his voice.

"Guardian angel?  What the hell does that mean?  You think I had these
grand notions about pulling you out and making everything all right again?
No, I didn't think that.  I thought you were worried that I might feel
differently about you if I knew the truth.  Well, now I am sure that you
don't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks.  That's been made pretty
apparent.

"Let me remind you who came after who in the first place.  You deride me
for being a `guardian angel.'  What the hell do you think you were doing
the night we met?  Hmm... maybe saving me from myself?  Sound familiar?
Sounds little hypocritical to me.

"I am pretty pissed right now, and I think I have a right to be.  Here I've
been spilling my guts for four weeks.  I have felt more open than ever
before in my life, and I thought I was a two-way street.  I know you have
to let things out when you are ready, but I am really pissed that you think
you can keep things from me for any reason and not expect me to wonder.  I
can't believe you're upset that I cared enough to wonder what was wrong."
I was breathing hard, and I am sure my face was flaming red.

James had stood there staring at me through my whole tirade.  He didn't say
a word.  All I saw was red, and all I wanted to do was get out.  I felt
angry, I felt betrayed.  I felt like my faith had been misplaced.  All that
had built between us seemed to be nothing all of a sudden.  Meaningless.

We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes.  Neither one of us
moved.  I broke the stare by walking to the door.  A small voice followed
me.  "Dave?"

I turned back.  "What?" I asked in an angry voice.  I was shaking,
literally.

James looked at the floor.  "Nothing," he said.

I walked out the door and went home.


End of part 3

Here it is, the long awaited (I hope) part 3.  If you guys like what you've
read please let me know!  Also, let me know if you guys have any comments
or ideas.  If you plan to flame, then you know where that's going.
Thanks!