Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 11:06:15 -0600
From: dragonwriter@comcast.net
Subject: Josh's Journey: Happiness Wears a Plain White T-shirt

First a couple disclaimers: 1. I have cut out some hospital staff member in
the interests of keeping the story flowing. Also because I have enough
characters to juggle as it is! So my apologies to those of you in the biz :
D

2. I have been reading about serial killers and it consistently these
people come out of homes where abuse is rampant. These are our children,
our future! There is NO EXCUSE for abuse! There is NEVER a good reason to
strike a child! And there is never a reason to ignore abuse when you see it
happening. Whew! I just had to get that out. Now enjoy the story!


Josh's Journey: Happiness Wears a Plain White T-shirt

	"Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will
lodge: thy people shall be my people," I murmured softly, watching the sun
rise and the sky turn a riot of pink, blue and gold. It didn't matter to me
that those words were spoken by a woman to another woman or perhaps that
made them even more powerful to me. Over two thousand years ago, one woman
had pledged her love, her heart and her body to another woman. It didn't
matter that the relationship wasn't a sexual one, it was love and a need to
be together. Together...

	My beautiful Kel, so sweet, so gentle, so loving and so badly
abused as a child. Alone in the dark twists of his own mind, he was curled
up in a ball down the hall from me. The hospital was quiet, the few
overnight sleepers in the waiting room still sleeping. I had been up for
awhile now, sleep eluding me. I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to
the window-pane, feeling cold glass and morning dew on my forehead. The
crew boss in my head said several unpleasant things about badly fitted
windows; for a moment I grinned at him. But the overwhelming ache of WHY I
was leaning against this particular window returned in a rush to smother
me.

	 I wanted so much to hold Kel, to feel his skin under my hands, his
hair against my cheek. I ran my fingers lightly up my arms, imagining Kel's
fingers in their place. I shivered feeling goose pimples pop up under my
fingers.  Mentally, I ran my hands up his back to his shoulders; as my
mental fingers came into contact with the scars across his back, my gut
twisted in pain. My mental fingers slid down his chest: my eyes opened at
the memory of the nasty scar across his left pec, and my hands clenched in
anger.

	"He backhanded me once," Kel had told me. "I spun around and
slammed into the corner of the counter- slashed me right across the pec
when I fell. By the time he would let Mom take me to the doctor it was
pretty badly infected and..." He had shrugged. "Mom had the counter top
ripped out and put in the rounded top that's there now, after that."

	My head was pounding and tears were leaking down my face. To do
such horrors to your OWN child, my grip on my arms tightened. Kel, my sweet
little Kel, his face floated in front of my closed eyes, Kel please, talk
to me. I turned away from the window abruptly, I wanted Kel, I NEEDED Kel,
right this minute!

	Turning from the window, I glanced over to the couches, still
pushed together like an oversized cradle. Xan was still sleeping, wrapped
in the blankets Kaleb had brought us. Neither Xan nor I were small men, but
we solved the where to sleep dilemma by pushing two couches together,
although our feet hung off the ends. For the short time I had slept, I
slept deeply, wrapped in Xan's arms. Under other circumstances, it would
have been paradise, but now?

	The small bathroom across the hall was empty. I took a quick shower
and dressed in the clean clothes Mitch had brought me. I grinned in the
mirror. Mitch had a keen eye and had brought a shirt and jeans that made me
look good but also gave an appearance of responsibility and
stability. Clean, unfaded black jeans - new ones, he had just run to the
nearest Fred Meyer or other department store, instead of home- and a button
down shirt in a soft brown that complimented my skin tone
perfectly. Unconsciously I rolled up the sleeves a couple times, then
decided just to leave them that way.

	Around my neck was a gold chain holding Kel's Sunrise ring, as well
as the silver thumb ring. Sunrise gleamed brightly against my coppery
skin. The night before, I had pulled them out of my pocket and started to
give them to Mitch to take home and keep safe, but Kaleb had stopped me.

	 "Wait a minute," he said, unhooking the gold chain from around his
neck. "Thread 'em on this; that way they'll will be safe from loss and
close to your heart."

	Kaleb had been blushing as he handed the chain to me. I had been
taken completely by surprise at the suggestion, I had never suspected that
Kaleb had a single sentimental bone in his body. But now, looking at the
rings and remembering the pictures of us together that were hanging in the
bedroom at Kel's, I recognized that Kaleb was a very sentimental man. My
face colored thinking of those pics with Nina in the house. I shook my
head, no, surely she wouldn't invade her son's privacy.

	The door to the pysch ward was closed as usual and I stood
hesitantly in front of it, shifting from one foot to the other. Would they
let me in this time without Alejhandro here to make them? Was the time
wrong? It was not quite 6 am yet, I knew they did a shift change at 7 and
visitors had to leave then, but would they mind if I came in now?

	"Jeez Josh," I growled. "Get a grip on yourself. The worst they can
say is come back after 8."

	I rang the buzzer on the door. My heart was beating so hard I was
sure they could hear it down the hallway! I remembered how it had pounded
when I rang the doorbell the first time at Kel's. The door was opened by a
sleepy eyed nurse. She was around my older sister Sela's age, mid to late
20s, and blond like Sela. She blinked and smiled.

	"Yes? Can I help you?"

	"I'm Josh Sanclere, Kel Kabrey's ummm lover. May I come in?" I took
a deep breath. "I know its shift change in an hour but can I be with him
until then?" I finished speaking in one breath.

	The woman studied my face and then smiled again. She stepped back
from the door and opened it wide.

	"It's a bit irregular, but not unheard of. Come in. Mrs. Raymond
told us that you were to have UNLIMITED access to Kel."

	 She gestured to me to enter. I winced as if slapped physically. It
was so unfair that I had to have permission from his mother to see him! If
he had been a woman and my wife, I would have been automatically allowed in
to visit. My gut twisted in pain and I wanted to yell at the nurse, but it
wasn't her fault. Someday, I prayed, someday it MUST be different!

	The ward was quieter this morning. A few nurses were moving around
and there was the soft hush of voices at the nurses station. A couple of
them said good morning to me as I passed by to Kel's room.

	Kel's door was open and he was lying on the bed, face turned toward
the wall, his eyes closed. My heart thumped painfully in my chest, his dark
curly hair was brushed back from his face; in sleep he looked younger than
me. A nurse materialized at my side. She was about my Mom's age and her
eyes looked weary.

	"You can close the door if you want, no one will bother you until
7. He had a quiet night. We are tapering off the sedative, hopefully he
will regain consciousness in a few hours. Dr. Guevarra said he'd be in to
check on him this morning."

	I thanked her and closed the door softly. The room was so "empty",
devoid of any personality and so lacking in the clutter that typified Kel's
bedroom at his house. I shivered and rubbed my arms again. A comfortable
looking padded chair was pushed up against the wall. I pulled it over to
the bed and sank into it. My body ached all over, some of it from tension,
some of it from sleeping on the couch in the waiting room. Leaning forward,
I rested my chin on Kel's bicep.

	The familiar heat from contact with his body flowed through me,
this was my man, the one I loved. Hurt, sad and scared, I still loved
him. His hand was lying limp on the blanket; I cradled it in my larger,
work roughened hand. His fingers were so long and delicate looking, I
wondered if he ever thought about them being a gift from his father. I
shivered again, the talk with Nina running through my head.

	I had been prepared to hate her. I had wanted to hate her. Any
mother that didn't protect her child deserved to be hated, but listening to
her I found I couldn't hate her. I had cried for her and her own
helplessness at the situation she found herself in. I had heard in her
voice and seen in her eyes that she had tried to protect Kel, as much as
she could. I didn't understand how she could stay with such an abusive man
but I understood that I had been raised very differently, as had my
sisters.

	"Kel," I whispered. "Kel, I love you so much."

	My head against his shoulder felt so right and slowly my eyes
closed. I must have drifted off, lulled by his breathing, because the next
thing I knew, a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I half leaped to my feet
in surprise.

	"Shh easy, mi amigo." Alejhandro grinned up at me. I dropped back
into my chair, my brain wasn't quite awake and I stared at Alejhandro in
shock. Not only was I surprised to see him here, but my brain had
difficulty processing that I was looking UP at him! I blinked a couple
times and shook my head.

	"Have you been here all night, Josh?" He asked. "You need to
sleep."

	"No," I said. "I have only been here a few minutes." I looked up at
the clock above the door and grinned sheepishly. "Make that an hour, I fell
asleep, I guess. I didn't sleep well last night."

	"That's to be expected," Alejhandro said. He tipped my head up and
studied my face intently. His fingers on my throat made my heart beat
faster and I felt my face heat up. He crossed his arms and grinned at me.

	"Well, you don't look run down or overly stressed out. So I won't
nag you." His eyes sparkled in mischief.

	"I feel like a horse about to be sold, I expect you to check my
teeth next," I grumbled. Alejhandro grinned at me. "My mother will be here
soon, she can nag me enough."

	He nodded. "That's good. Mothers can be so comforting."

	I swallowed, remembering what he had told me about his
mother. Images of Nina crying and my mom smiling scrolled through my
head. Oddly enough I also thought of Xan's mom, and her frustration with
him.

	"I met Kel's mom last night," I said softly. "She wasn't at all
what I expected."

	"Ah," Alejhandro perched on the edge of Kel's bed. "And what were
you expecting?"

 	"Definitely not a tiny, fragile girl-woman," I said. " I had
pictured a big woman, loud and brash and uncaring. More annoyed at having a
crazy child...but she wasn't that at all. She is tiny and delicate and
maybe puzzled by Kel but definitely not unfeeling," my voice tapered
off. "Not at all."

	Alejhandro nodded. "So often, in life, one finds that the easy
answers are not the right ones."

	Before he could say anything more, the door opened and a nurse came
in. She was a young LPN I hadn't seen before. When she saw Alejhandro, she
stopped walking abruptly and made a squeak of surprise.

	"Oh doctor! I'm sorry, I can, umm, leave..." She bounced from one
foot to the other nervously. "If you need me to..." her voice tapered off.

	"No, no, we'll leave you to do what you need to do, I want to talk
with Josh anyway. I'll be back in a bit."

	 Alejhandro stood up and gestured to me to follow him. He stopped
briefly at the nurse's station and conversed with the older woman who had
spoke to me when I first went to Kel's room. I looked around, taking in the
off white walls, wooden tables and mismatched chairs. On the wall behind
the nurse's station were white boards with patient lists and room numbers
written on them. Kel's name had a sad face drawn after it. I smiled
inwardly, strangely comforted that someone else felt sad at his return.

	Alejhandro gestured for me to follow him down the hall to a
conference room. There was a fresh pot of coffee brewing on the side table,
and the smell pulled me across the room. The morning suddenly seemed easier
to face with a hot cup in my hands. Alejhandro appeared in the door, I
hadn't even noticed he wasn't there, I had been so riveted on the
coffee. He handed me a carton of milk while shaking a small bottle of
juice. I took the carton and sat down on a soft couch. Alejhandro leaned
against the table and watched me pour the milk into my cup.

	"I spoke to Kel's psychiatrist last night very late. Lee is very
distressed and on her way home," he said softly.

	I nodded, not sure if I needed to answer. "She and I agree," he
went on, "that Kel needs intensive counseling, but we are hoping it can be
outpatient. Most of that depends on whether he will open up and tell you
whatever he is hiding."

	I swallowed. "I already know what he's hiding."

	Alejhandro looked at me expectantly and I went on talking, "He is
hiding something that would make most people run in fear."

	I paused setting my cup on the floor because my hands were starting
to shake. When I started to talk again I could feel my lower lip shaking.

	"He killed his father, Alejhandro."

	"Holy!" Alejhandro whispered something in Spanish and crossed
himself.

	Tears cascaded down my face and I started to shake. Alejhandro put
his drink down and was at my side in a moment. I wrapped my arms around him
and clung to him like a drowning man. My body shook with the force of my
sobbing, but I could still feel Alejhandro's hand stroking my hair and
rubbing my back softly. He spoke soothingly to me.

	"Let it out Josh. You have to grieve as much as much as Kel
does. Never be afraid to cry. Contrary to popular opinion, big boys do cry,
they need to cry. It is a catharsis like none other in the world."

	I looked up at him and he smiled. I sat up rather abruptly and
wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. Alejhandro handed me
a napkin to wipe my face off. I shivered suddenly cold. Alejhandro handed
me my coffee.

	"Drink Josh, you need the heat, sugar and caffeine."

	"No sugar," I said automatically, then blushed in
embarrassment. Alejhandro chuckled.

	"Drink anyway, your body is going into shock and you don't want
that to happen."

	I sipped my coffee and looked at him. Alejhandro's face was sober,
his normally twinkling eyes were deep pools of blackness. Fear squeezed my
gut and I felt the blood flow out of my face. Alejhandro ran a hand through
his hair, ruffling it and making him even more attractive than ever.

	"I was afraid this was what you have been dancing around for the
last month or so. When you told me Kel had been in a high security lock
down, I knew there was really nasty violence involved. So how long have you
known?" His eyes were fierce, especially the squinting one.

	I swallowed and looked away. "Really only since last night, I put
the twos together last night while talking with Nina."  I looked up
again. "Nina is Kel's mom. Anyway, both of them refer to his father in past
tense and Kel has never said 'My dad is' it's always he was, he did,
whatever, but always past tense." I paused.

	 "Never now, always past," I whispered hoarsely. "And the blood..."

	"Josh," Alejhandro paused. "The sad reality is that the kind of
childhood you have described for Kel is the absolute model for some of the
most twisted, vicious killers in history. As I told you before, extremely
abused people rarely strike out against their abuser. Sometimes because the
abuser is dead, or more commonly, because the abuser scares them so
thoroughly; makes them feel so small and insignificant, that they take
their anger and frustration out on someone they can force into feeling the
same feelings of worthlessness."

	"Oh my God," I whispered, unconsciously I crossed myself. I hadn't
been in church in ages but suddenly I was finding some kind of comfort in
the gestures and patterns of my childhood.

	Alejhandro nodded. "I talked quite a long time with Lee last
night. I can't tell you what we talked about because of confidentiality and
although she didn't say anything about Kel's father's death, she did
indicate that Kel has no record of violence except to himself." He
paused. "You are aware he has tried to kill himself several times?"

	A shiver ran through me. " I knew it was more than the one time
last August," I whispered. I explained that Kel had said "AGAIN" when he
told me about the attempt in August.

	"My opinion is that its a manifestation of guilt. The guilt he has
for doing what he knows, and knew at the time, was wrong. Guilt is a nasty
emotion, it drives so relentlessly at our subconsciousness," Alejhandro
sighed. "Whether you are religious or not, the Biblical writers pegged it
perfectly when they wrote about guilt and the power it has over us."

	"I'm scared, Alejhandro," I said softly. "Is this going to be my
future with Kel? Hospitals and doctors and medications?"

	Alejhandro sighed. "The short answer is maybe. The long answer is
probably. Mental illness is controllable and we are getting better and
better at controlling it. But we still can't cure it and many mentally ill
people live for a long time on their own and then suddenly something goes
out of whack, if you'll pardon the expression, and they can't function on
their own anymore. The lucky ones end up here in hospitals."

	He shook his head sadly. "I have one patient who becomes tolerant
of the meds after about two years. So every two years his stability starts
to disintegrate and we have to change him to something else. I only pray
that the pharmaceutical companies can stay one step ahead of him."

	I shivered, that poor man! I thought of Kel, my sweet Kel, to whom
medication was just another part of his normal life, like breathing. Just
something to be taken twice a day, nothing to get excited about, but to me,
who was almost never sick, it was a big deal: this was my lover's sanity in
a bottle on a shelf in the bathroom. I shivered again.

	"Kel, on the other hand, has been stable for years according to
Lee. We both feel that this was a trigger incident. Just too much has
happened in the last five months and it overloaded his mind, causing it to
shut down for a while. My feeling is that, yes if you plan to stay in this
relationship, you must be prepared for the occasional hospital
stay. Hopefully, we can prevent a repeat of this incident, but you need to
be aware that it is always a possibility."

	Alejhandro squatted down in front of me, his hand rested on my
knee. "Josh, one of the best things for a mentally ill person, and
ironically the one thing medicine can't provide, is love and stability. A
stable home and a structured life with someone who cares deeply for the
person. You would be surprised how much better those people do than the
ones without that stability in their lives. " He straightened up and leaned
back against the table.

	I nodded, not at all sure of what to say. My head was whirling,
between the coffee and lack of food, I was feeling a bit light headed from
the whole situation. I looked up at Alejhandro. His head was turned
slightly away, so all I saw was his unmarred profile. The warm honey brown
of his skin was so appealing to me. I had known very few people with a
complexion anywhere near mine when growing up. Even my own siblings were
fairer than I, and while there were Indians in our area of Alberta, they
tended to stick together and keep the whites at arms length.

	Alejhandro's ruffled black hair waved back and curled around his
ears. I noticed for the first time a tiny gold stud in his right ear. His
face was somber but that only seemed to make him more beautiful, more
powerfully attractive.

	"You know," I started talking, not really paying attention to what
was coming out of my mouth, "I could fall wildly in love with you,
Alejhandro." I flushed in embarrassment.

	"Yes," he said, looking me in the eyes. "It is easy to fall in love
with someone who gives you their undivided attention and is ALWAYS there
for you, especially in a crisis. You are not unique in that regard, Josh,
after all that IS what we all crave: love and attention."

	I stared at the floor, feeling suddenly stupid and crass. "I'm
sorry, Alejhandro. I shouldn't have said that... It was uncalled for."

	Alejhandro's hand curved under my chin and he tipped my head
up. His black eyes were gentle and he was smiling softly. The scar on his
face twisted the smile a little and I was again struck with how much
courage it must have taken him to become a doctor and to have to deal with
people's reactions to his disfigurement every day.

	"I'm glad you said it, Josh. Even if I can't reciprocate the
feeling, I am deeply complimented. And a doctor-patient relationship should
have no secrets. Thank you." He let go of my chin. "Besides you are wildly
in love with a young man who lies just down the hall from here." He smiled
again. "You wear your heart on your sleeve and his heart around your
neck. I can't promise you that you'll never be here again, but I can tell
you that his odds are much lower than they were four months ago. You love
him, give him that love."

	I flushed again and my hand crept up to grasp Kel's rings
tightly. As I opened my mouth to speak, Alejhandro's pager went off. He
took a look at it and a puzzled expression came over his face. He walked to
the door and opened it, from down the hall I could hear noise, it sounded
like voices. Alejhandro tipped his head and then looking back at me smiled.

	"Unless I am VERY much mistaken, Kel is awake and yelling for
you. At least someone is screaming Josh! Josh!"

	I shot to my feet and was through the door and halfway down the
hall before I even realized I had moved. I stopped and looked back at
Alejhandro, who gestured to me to go. Kel's voice had lowered in pitch but
he was still yelling for me. I paused in the doorway of his room uncertain
of what I should do. There were three nurses in the room, two holding onto
him and one on the phone. Kel was thrashing and kicking; twisting in their
grasp and crying. The younger of the two nurses holding Kel, was the LPN
from earlier. She looked over at me in terror.

	Kel's head snapped around suddenly and his eyes, at first wild and
unseeing, focused sharply on me. They were the greenest things I had ever
seen, greener even than new spring leaves. He sucked in his breath sharply,
then made a soft sobbing sound. Kel relaxed so suddenly that he slid out of
the younger nurse's hands and hung like a rag doll in the second nurse's
grasp. She let go of him slowly, easing him into a sitting position. He
raised his head and looked at me again.

	"Josh," he said softly.

	That was all I needed to get me moving towards the bed, but before
I was even halfway across the room, Kel launched himself at me. The elder
of the two nurses who had been holding him shouted, and I jumped forward:
catching and gathering him into my arms. His thin arms wrapped around my
neck in a death grip; his legs tightened around my waist. I pulled him to
me and as with so many times in the past four months, I wanted to absorb
his body into mine and protect him completely.

	"Josh, oh God, Josh," he sobbed, into the curve of my neck and
shoulder.

	"Kel, my precious Kel," I murmured into the thick tangles of his
hair.

	"Josh," He raised his head and looked at me. His green eyes pierced
me to the core of my soul. "I was so afraid... so very afraid... it
couldn't be, it just couldn't be... NO, NO, NO!" His voice rose in pitch to
almost a howl.

	Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement then Alejhandro's
voice rumbled softly. I half turned my head to see Alejhandro lay a
restraining hand on the arm of the older nurse. He gently pulled her
backwards, leaving us alone.

	"Scared of what, Kel? I don't understand, what couldn't be?" I
asked softly. I backed up a few steps until my back was against the wall.

	"I woke up here, in the hospital. AGAIN! STILL! Oh, Josh! I was so
afraid the last four months had been a wonderful, horrible dream!" Kel's
face was covered in tears. "And my hand! There was no ring! It was GONE!"

	I pulled him even closer and held him tight. He was shaking from
emotion and each quiver of his body was like a punch in the gut to
me. Tears ran freely down Kel's face. With just the tip of my tongue, I
wiped away the tears.

	"Kel, my sweet Kel, I am here. I am real, I am so damned real! And
I am going to get you through this, I promise. I have your ring, both of
them, right here with me... safe and sound."

	I covered his lips and face in kisses and he responded with equal
enthusiasm. For a long while neither of us spoke, rather we communicated in
a language deeper than words, and far, far truer. My arms ached from the
effort of supporting him, but I was not yet ready to let go of him.

	I felt terrible that I hadn't been there when he woke up, that I
had left him to think his nightmare was continuing without me. I shivered
suddenly and started to slide down the wall. Somewhere off to my right, I
heard a voice and then hands on my arm guiding me as I sat down. I wondered
briefly what we looked like sitting there on the floor: a tall, coppery
complexioned man with a thin, wild haired man wrapped around him.

	Kel's head was tucked into the curve of my shoulder, I could feel
the heat from his forehead on my neck and his hair tickled my chin.  His
arms relaxed their stranglehold on my neck and his left hand dropped to my
chest. Fire flowed down me; across my belly into my groin. I ran my hands
up his back, automatically tugging at the hospital gown trying to cover him
better, this was MY man and I was in no mood to share him.

	I'm not sure how long we stayed like that. On the fringes of my
consciousness, I heard people moving around and voices, but they meant
nothing to me. All I cared about was Kel, the man I loved. Inevitably
though, my feet, lower back and hips started to go to sleep and I had to
move. Kel chuckled when I told him, and he scrambled off of me. Happiness
flowed through me as I sat there, looking up at him smiling. He held out
his hand and I took it, feeling those familiar long fingers wrap around my
hand.

	Kel pulled me up and for another long while we just stood there,
arms wrapped around each other, not speaking, not doing anything but
reveling in the feel of each other's bodies. My stomach growled suddenly
and we separated with laughter.

	"Never misses a cue," Kel said patting my belly.

	"Kel, I was so worried, so scared for you. You are my heart, my
soul, my..." I shook my head in frustration at not having the words to tell
him.

	Kel sighed. "I am so sorry, Josh. Honestly, I never planned for
this to happen, ever." He looked down. "Why are you still here? Why didn't
you leave?"

	I cradled his chin in my hand, a small shiver ran up my arm,
remembering Alejhandro doing the same thing to me just a short time
earlier. Kel's head raised easily in my grasp. His eyes searched my face
frantically.

	 "I'm here because I love you. And I promised you, I would stick by
you no matter what." I pulled the chain with his rings out of my
shirt. "This is my promise, kept safe for you."

	"Oh, Josh." Kel cupped the rings in his hands. He looked up at me,
tears shimmering in his eyes. I lightly stroked his cheek. He wrapped his
arms around my neck and cried into my shoulder. I held him and rubbed his
back and murmured softly into his hair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw
something blue move. Puzzled I cranked my head around to get a closer look,
Nina was standing in the doorway looking unsure of whether she should come
in or not. I poked Kel and gestured with my head towards the door.

	"Mommy," he said softly.

	Nina walked the four or so feet to us. In the daytime she was even
smaller and more delicate than I had realized the night before. And side by
side with her son I could see where he got his beauty and his fey qualities
from, she looked almost unreal in a light blue dress, her hair curling
around her face; the same shimmering green eyes. Nina laid one hand on my
arm and another on her son's arm. Kel shivered and turned to her. She
pulled him into her arms and held him tightly.

	"Mommy, oh Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you up here
again. And so soon after the last time. Please, don't be angry, I am
sorry!" Kel's voice sounded oddly young, like a small child talking instead
of a twenty eight year old man. I shivered feeling goose bumps spread up my
back. "Is Joe furious at me?"

	"Shh Kel, it's all right. It's not your fault. You let me worry
about Joe, you just get better."

	Nina held him awkwardly as if not really sure how to deal with him,
or the moment. But she was trying: her hands tentatively rubbed his back. I
looked at them, mother and son, Kel towering over her but somehow she
seemed able to take it. Maybe she was finally able to be the mother he
needed... and the mother she wanted to be for him.

	"Kel," Nina stepped back half a step from him. "Kel, he did things
to us both, twisted our relationship to each other and to other
people. It's not your fault. Some of it is my fault," she held up her hand
to stop his protests. "But the thing I am learning, have been learning in
the last year, is that it's not to late."

	Nina glanced up at me, then back at her son. "It's not to late Kel,
to make a relationship for us."

	"Joe," Kel whispered.

	"Joe is in for a few surprises," she said curtly. "He can either
deal with them or not."

	Nina's mouth was firm but uncertainty flickered in her eyes. Based
on what she had told me the night before, I couldn't help but admire her
for the courage it took to say that out loud. Kel's eyes widened in
surprise. I don't think he had ever expected to hear those words from his
mom.

	"I went back to your place last night and did some thinking: some
long, hard thinking." She paused. "I have always tried to take care of you,
Kel. Sometimes it hasn't seemed to you like it, but I have always had you
in mind." Kel stiffened and opened his mouth to speak, Nina stepped back
out of his arms.

	"We won't fight about it here, you can yell at me all you want when
we get you home. Home with this good looking man of yours." She smiled up
at me and I blushed.

	Kel shivered, "Yes, Mom."

	Nina looked up at me. She smiled softly.

	"Thank you for taking such good care of my son." She continued in a
barely audible voice, "and thank you for giving him the love I have never
been able to give him."

	She waved off both our protests impatiently. "You're good men, Lord
knows where you got it from Kel, but you both are. I have failed you
miserably in the past and that's made me afraid to try now that you are an
adult. Well, at least, that's the opinion of my councilor." She sighed and
looked at her hands.

	"I am willing to try to make a relationship for us now, Kel. I am
not afraid that I will fail you again." Tears sparkled in her green eyes,
tears that were reflected in the eyes of my lover, her son. Kel hugged her.

	When they separated there was mischievous twinkle in his eye. I was
pleased, even relieved, to see it. My Kel, the Kel I loved, was exerting
himself over the depressive, self destructive, frightened Kel that also
lived in his head. This was my Kel, happy and full of mischief, living life
and loving everything in it.

	"'There is no try- just do,'" he intoned solemnly. He broke into a
laugh at Nina's puzzled face. "So says Jedi Master Yoda." His eyes sparkled
with laughter.

	Nina looked torn between laughing and embarrassment. I wondered if
she had ever learned how to laugh at herself: I suspected that she didn't
know the difference between being made fun of, and being good naturedly
teased. Her face shifted through fear, anger, and embarrassment in a matter
of seconds, finally she opted for a blank expression. I glanced at Kel, he
looked angry. Was it that he didn't understand his mother's confusion and
was feeling rejected?

	"Kel," I said softly. "All joking aside, the three of us need to
sit down over a pot of hot coffee and talk." I smiled at his confused
look. "But no mashed potatoes, I don't want to have to clean them off the
ceiling after we start throwing them at each other."

	Kel and Nina both laughed. The tension in the room disappeared and
I relaxed in relief, my knees felt almost shaky.

	"You are a good man," Nina said looking up at me. "I met your
mother out in the hall, and I see where you get it from." Her voice dropped
to a whisper, "I pray that I can perhaps be half as good a mother, this
time."

	"Mama!" I exclaimed. "Mama is here already?"

	Kel hugged his mom. "It's okay, Mom. I'm just glad you're here
NOW!"

	I grabbed Kel's hand and pulled him towards the door. He laughed
and let himself be pulled along.

	"Josh! Where are we going?"

	"I want you to meet Mama," I said tugging on his arm.

	Kel stopped and shook his head. "I can't, Josh. This is a locked
ward, I can't leave here until I'm discharged."

	I stopped in shock and felt the blood run out of my face. In my
excitement at having Kel awake, I had forgotten about the locked door; my
embarrassment turned to frustration, then to fury. The real implications of
the locked door not sinking in until now: my Kel, my darling Kel was a
PRISONER! Locked up like some criminal or a rabid dog! My hands clenched in
fury. How dare they!?

 	Kel stepped back looking frightened and he whispered my name
softly. I honestly have no idea what would have happened had Alejhandro not
materialized at my side just then.

	"Josh? Is something wrong?" he asked, concern shining in his eyes.

	I let out my breath in a loud sigh. The tension ran out of my body
so rapidly that my knees actually wobbled. Alejhandro steadied me, his
voice soothing. I explained that I had forgotten this was a locked ward and
that I had been so excited to see my mother and to introduced Kel to her.

	Alejhandro nodded soothingly. "It's been a rough two days for you,
I'm not surprised your emotions are all out of kilter." He smiled. "There
is plenty of time, time is the one thing you both have plenty of..." He
chuckled, "Unlike us old fogeys."

	I grinned at him, feeling so much better. Quick introductions were
made to Kel and Nina, who's eyes widened as she took in the damage to
Alejhandro's face. She thanked him for taking care of her son. Alejhandro
waved it away with a quick de nada and his usual "that's what I'm here for"
attitude.

	"Now then," Alejhandro began briskly. "Breakfast is here for Kel,
I'm sure he'll enjoy real food even if it IS hospital fare!" There were
chuckles all around.

	"Josh," he went on speaking. "I need to examine Kel and have a talk
with him. Go visit your mother, you need her, and I am sure she is worried
about you. Get something to eat."

	"I know you don't eat in the mornings, but go eat anyway!"
Alejhandro's deep voice thundered. I half jumped in surprise, Kel grinned,
his eyes full of mischief. "You and Linc are so much alike, just run on
adrenaline," Alejhandro grumbled. "And they call us doctors adrenaline
junkies!" His voice softened, "Your friends are no doubt concerned, go
reassure them. There are quite a lot of things to be done for, and with
Kel, now that he's awake. Many of them you can be and I want you involved
in, but for now I need Kel alone."

	I nodded and hugged Kel, feeling his delicate body in my arms. I
wanted just to scoop him up and RUN! Run far away, where it would be just
the two of us. Alone, together, forever. Kel clung to me, his fingers
tangled in my hair, his warm, soft lips against mine.

	"Go on, shoo, Josh." Kel said making a sweeping motion with his
hands. "I'll be all right," his hand rubbed his jaw, "soon as I can get a
shave!" He chuckled and took Nina's hands.

	"Mom, thank you. I wish we were all meeting for something a lot
funner than this, but thanks for coming anyway."

	Nina hugged him.  " All you have to do is ask, all you've EVER had
to do was ask." Kel opened his mouth to speak, but shut it abruptly and
nodded his head.  She brushed away a tear on his cheek.

	"You're my son, I'll always come."

	Another quick hug and kiss from Kel and a squeeze on the arm from
Alejhandro and I was ready to leave. Well not really, but I could see the
need for me to go, so that Alejhandro could look after Kel without
interference. I hooked my arm through Nina's.

	"Okay, I guess its time for you to meet the gang!" I grinned at
her, propelling her forward out the door and across the ward.

	She smiled up at me. "I am eager to meet you and Kel's friends! I
met the gorgeous blond from last night this morning. He said to tell you he
was still here."

	I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. God, how I loved Xan.

	"And then this breathtaking redhead showed up," Nina went on. "He
brought your mother here. WOW! I didn't know men that beautiful existed out
side of cheap drugstore romance novels!"

	I chuckled. "That would be Colin, he said he was going to pick up
Mama."

	Nina looked up at me soberly, "You are lucky to have such good
friends."

	I nodded. I hadn't thought about it before, just taken them for
granted. But now, when the very fabric of my life was coming apart, it was
good to know I had people I could count on to be there for me. I shivered,
suddenly sympathetic to Kel's life and the isolation that abuse creates in
a life. Suddenly I was feeling very blessed. And with that thought we
passed through the ward door into the hallway.

	Everyone was crowded into the waiting room. Colin and Alex, Kaleb
and Xan, Mitch, Micah. There was a small dark haired woman talking to
Micah, when we came in she looked up and hurried to Nina. Nina took her
hand and smiled at her.

	"Kara. I was trying to decide if I should call you this morning."

	"Micah called me last night," the small woman answered. She looked
up at me. "You must be Josh, I am Kara Wirren."

	I wondered if Kel even realized that he had almost married an
almost exact copy of his mother. She was small and dark haired, with a
pixie's face and large brown eyes. I shook her hand and we exchanged
pleasantries for a moment, but I was really anxious to see Mama. She was
standing by Mitch watching me, one arm around Fen. Mitch moved and I saw
Jem standing on the other side of Fen.

	"Mama! Jem!" I half shouted.

	I very nearly ran to them. Suddenly I knew it was going to be all
right. Mama was here! I lifted her off of the floor in a bear hug. She
laughed and hung on. I set her down carefully with a hasty apology that she
just brushed off. I had missed her so much, and I studied her closely,
afraid that she might have changed as much as Jem had.

	Mama was tall for a woman, perhaps 5'9" or 10" with that body shape
usually described as willowy. Her brown eyes alternated between amusement
and concern. She had the same long Native American nose and high cheekbones
as I. Of all her sons, I looked the most like her and Jem the least!

	"Josh, my son," she said softly. Mama wasn't one for saying a lot
of words but the ones she did say were loaded with meaning. She was wearing
jeans and a soft tan coloured sweater. A gold chain gleamed around her neck
and small gold earrings peeked out through her black hair. A wooden bangle,
which I later learned had been carved for her by Jem, rattled pleasantly
against her watch.

	I hugged Jem, then Fen. Happiness flowed through me like wine
making me feel a bit giddy. I had the people I must loved in the world
here, only Kel was missing, and hopefully that wouldn't be for long! My
mouth curved up into a genuine smile for the first time in days.

	Jem hastily explained that he had insisted on coming along with
Mama refusing to back off; even offering to pay her back for his
ticket. Mama admitted to being somewhat relieved to have someone to talk to
during the flight. I made a quick introduction of everyone in the
room. Mama insisted everyone call her Elizabeth and Kel's mom told us to
call her Nina. When I told them that Kel was awake and coherent there were
shouts of relief and more tears. Micah hugged Kara.

	Slowly people melted away until it was just Mama, Nina, Jem and I
left in a group together. Jem had been reluctant to let Fen go, but she had
shook her head and pulled out of his grasp. She was curled up on a couch
with her head on Colin's shoulder. I looked from her to Jem worriedly, this
was a lot of stress for a 14 and 16 year old to take, but they both seemed
to be holding up.

	Mama suggested we go and get some breakfast. Micah, Kara, Kaleb and
Xan had already eaten and so begged off from going with us to the hospital
cafeteria. Colin had to get to his class and relieve the teacher who was
watching it for him. Mitch excused himself to go home to sleep. I was a bit
concerned about him driving home but he reassured me he was fine. I watched
him leave praying he was right.

	"Now, I know you boys don't eat, but I am starved," Mama said with
a laugh. "And I am sure Nina could use a cup of coffee at least." Mama
smiled "Jem go get that girl of yours. You'll be much pleasanter company if
you aren't checking your watch every couple of minutes." Jem colored bright
red and I chuckled.

	"Yes, I suppose Fen is almost family, she told me you've called her
twice since going home!" I laughed and gave him a rough hug.

	Jem blushed and mumbled something about Fen being a great girl. But
he wasted no time in going to invite her to breakfast with us. Colin
reluctantly left Fen at the hospital with Mama's promise to keep an eye on
her and Jem's solemn vow to make sure she did her homework. He and Alex
left saying they'd be back in the evening to get her.

	"I think I am going to lose another son to the States," Mama said
softly, watching Jem and Fen walk down the hall to the elevators. Jem's
blond head was tipped forward listening intently to every word Fen had to
say. I smiled, remembering the phone calls made back and forth while Jem
was staying with us.

	Breakfast was a surprisingly relaxed meal. Mama was careful to keep
Nina involved. Mama had a way with people, they just naturally relaxed
around her, and Nina was no exception. Jem and Fen were quiet, speaking
very little, their eyes wide as I told them what Alejhandro had said about
Kel that morning. The hospital cafeteria was no place to go into the
details of Kel's childhood or Nina's life and so we passed over them. All
that could be dealt with in privacy, and I was reluctant to talk about it
without Kel there. Both Mama and Jem knew Kel had been an abused child, and
I was pretty sure that Fen knew it as well. I suspected that Jem had told
her, seeking some comfort from a peer.

	As I had thought she would, Mama took to Nina immediately. By
counting on my fingers I came to the conclusion that Nina was only about
two years younger than Mama. Coincidentally they had both given birth to
sons at almost the same time. Kel was born in July and my eldest brother
John was born in August.

	Mama asked me about work and I explained that I had called my big
boss and he had given me all the time I needed to take off. I confessed to
some concern about what that might do to our plans to go to Alberta in
June.

	"But I'll worry about THAT later," I said. Mama nodded and squeezed
my hand.

	When breakfast was over we returned back upstairs. Micah and Kara
were gone. Kaleb had gone to work, but Xan was still there, curled up in
the corner of a couch reading Kel's new book.

	I was slowly learning that hospital stays involved a lot of waiting
time. Both Nina and I had checked on Kel only to be told he was still with
the doctor. Conversation flowed in fits and starts. Mama and Nina traded
growing up stories about Kel and I. Jem and Fen curled up together in a
corner couch, heads together in conversation. I checked repeatedly on Kel,
only to be told the same thing: he was still with the doctor. It was about
5 pm when a tall blond woman came into the waiting room. She came over to
Nina, who jumped to her feet.

	"Dr. Reicher, you're here!" Nina exclaimed.

	"Oh FINALLY, Mrs. Raymond," Dr. Reicher smiled. "The airlines are
crazy this time of the year!"

	Mama laughed and agreed. Nina quickly introduced
everyone. Dr. Reicher was in her early 30s, tall and shapely. She had a
pretty, heart shaped face framed by thick blond hair and I could easily
understand why Kel enjoyed looking at her. I was totally gay down to my
toenails, but I'd enjoy looking at her too! She was warm and reassuring
immediately making everyone feel a lot better, just by her calm voice and
positive attitude. She immediately reassured Nina of the same things that
Alejhandro had told me: this was just a temporary setback, most likely set
off by the stress and excitement of the holidays and the stresses of
starting a new relationship.

	"I am so glad to finally meet you, Josh." She said with a
smile. "Kel goes on and on about you every time I see him."

	I blushed and smiled at her. Jem snickered and I heard him whisper
something to Fen about "big bro blushing!" Xan snorted and grinned at
me. There was no one still at the hospital who could sign but Fen, Jem and
I took turns writing what was being said on Xan's notepad.

	"I am releasing Kel at the end of this week," Dr. Reicher
said. "But," she went on raising her voice over our excited voices. "I am
doing it on the condition that he starts counseling
immediately. Dr. Guevarra and I agree he needs it and it's long
overdue. I'm recommending him to a friend of Dr. Guevarra. Her name is
Lisamarie Caulder, I wish he could go to Alejhandro but that's not possible
because, among other things, he's already your counselor Josh and that
would be a conflict of interest."

	I nodded. "But wouldn't a gay counselor be a better choice,
doctor?"

	"No," she said with a shake of her head. "Kel relates better to
women, he feels safer with women. I doubt he'd ever open up sufficiently to
a man, even to Alejhandro, with his history of abuse."

	I nodded solemnly. Even without Dr. Reicher's further explanation,
I understood: it had been a man who had abused Kel. A man who had taken his
trust and smashed it, as well as male lovers who had abused his trust later
in life. Sorrow flooded through me, would he ever feel really, truly safe
with me?

	"I don't know Ms. Caulder personally," Dr. Reicher was saying, "But
I trust Alejhandro's judgment."

	Nina and I agreed that it sounded like the best course of action
for Kel. We discussed meds and Dr. Reicher verified Alejhandro's suspicion
that two of Kel's meds were interacting negatively in his system. The
doctor answered our questions and reassured everyone that Kel was going to
be all right.

	By the time she left us, both Nina and I were anxious to see Kel. I
insisted that Nina go first, give them some time alone. Mama complimented
me on it and I smiled. I wanted MY Mama alone as well. We went out into the
hall seeking a quiet private place to talk. The earlier traffic had settled
down and it was fairly quiet. There were comfortable looking chairs by the
elevator. I sank into one feeling tired.

	"I'm very proud of you, Josh." Mama said taking my hand. She
squeezed it gently. "It's not an easy thing you're doing here. A great many
people would have taken off by now."

	"I love Kel, Mama." I said simply.

	Mama nodded. "I see that in your face and in your actions. I hear
it in your voice. Still..."

	Mama's voice tapered off. I studied her as she sat silently
thinking. There were new lines at her mouth and the corners of her
eyes. For the first time I noticed a few strands of silver in her black
hair. Her mother had been completely gray by 50 and I wondered if Mama
would be the same.

	"Josh, you know how exhausting a mentally ill family member can be,
so I'm not really surprised by your actions over that last couple
weeks. However, it does not diminish my pride in you one bit."

	I flushed and whispered, "Thank you, Mama."

	"You do understand that you are looking at your future? That this
may happen again? Perhaps several times?"

	I nodded, and told her what Alejhandro and I had talked about that
morning. I told her the things I had been learning from him and from the
books he had recommended I read. Mama listened quietly. She rarely
interrupted; when I was little I had thought she wasn't always listening to
me, but as soon as I finished she would always have a list of questions or
comments that proved she had been listening!

	"I always knew you were special, Josh. You are the most passionate,
sensitive and caring of my sons. Even when you were feeling your lowest and
most worthless, just before you left home, you were still worried and
stressed over leaving Anita. You almost stayed and endured that hell just
because you were afraid of hurting her. You have strength and passion, my
son, and a gentle heart." Mama smiled.

	"And I see the same things in Jem, as well. He has been so upset
about Kel. He really likes your lover, you know."

	I nodded, I did know. And Kel really liked him as well: calling him
little brother and baby.

	"I wonder why my two youngest sons are so passionate and
caring. And my oldest ones.." Mama looked down at her hands then up at
me. "John scares me sometimes, he gets so angry. Passionate again but not
in a pleasant way."

	I nodded, I knew what she meant: John was a very angry man. He had
scared me most of my life. When I was very little, I hid from him if Mama
and Papa weren't home. However, by the time I was 10, I was almost as tall
as him, and being wiry I could beat him in a fight, despite his stockier
build. Mama and I talked some more about the people at home and what my
brothers and sisters were doing. She showed me pictures of my brothers' and
sister's kids, most of whom I had never met. I was looking forward to
seeing the babies this summer!

	By the time Nina returned to the waiting room, I was crawling out
of my skin to see and touch Kel. Anxiety was making my stomach ache, and I
had hardly eaten all day. Fear was running through me: fear that Kel was
worse, fear that the hospital staff wouldn't let me in to see him, fear
that Nina would have him moved away from me, just plain old fear of
everything beyond my control.

	"He's very anxious to see you," Nina said with a smile.

	"How is he?"

	"Tired," a shadow crossed her face. "And scared. But mostly Kel
wants you, Mom is okay for awhile but I can't replace his lover."

	She smiled at me. I jumped up and hugged her. Mama waved me off
when I looked at her, she murmured something about her and Nina going for a
coffee. I hurried down the hall, not seeing or hearing much of
anything. The nurse that opened the ward door for me smiled and then went
back to the station. A couple other nurses called out good evening and
welcome back as I passed.

	Kel was dressed in jeans and plain white t shirt, and sitting cross
legged on the bed. There was a pile of papers in his lap, and he was
sucking on the end of a pencil. I stood in the door for a moment-- there
was something so "normal" about the scene. I had never been so glad to see
a plain t-shirt in my life!  I could almost forget I was in a hospital
psych ward looking at him.

	"Hey," I said.

	Kel looked up and smiled. Oh, that amazing, beautiful smile, I had
been so afraid that I'd never see it again. For a moment I couldn't walk, I
was so shaky. Kel put the papers down on the bed and uncoiled leisurely,
then stood up. It was so cat like and graceful, and so KEL, that I almost
started to cry.

	"Josh," he said simply.

	I don't remember walking to him but suddenly I was in front of him
and he was in my arms. His thin arms were wrapped around my neck and his
body pressed against mine. I pulled him as close as humanly possible. At
that moment, I was never going to let go of him ever again! Kel's hands
tangled in my hair and pulled my head close, as our lips met electricity
flowed down my back. I tightened my arms around his waist, Kel twisted his
head pushing his tongue deeper into my mouth. He devoured my mouth,
exploring every inch of it as if he'd never kissed me before.

	"Kel," I said finally, "I love you so much."

	There was so much I wanted to say, but so much I was afraid to say
to him. I didn't know what might set him off again, would mention of his
dad send him into another psychotic episode? I only wanted Kel, MY Kel, but
I didn't want to be tip-toeing around my words for the rest of my life. I
held him close, not knowing what else to do.

	The next couple hours passed rather quickly. I stayed at Kel's side
like an overprotective parent. For the most part the nurses left us
alone. We talked about the future and the present. I asked how he had got
regular clothes and he explained that his mom had brought them to him along
with his work. One of the policies of the psych ward was to encourage the
patients to dress and behave in a rational manner. It made sense to
me. Don't treat them as sick or different, while they tried to regain
control of their lives.

	"Writing a book while in here seems kind of clichéd, don't you
think?" I said with a grin.

	Kel burst out laughing, "This IS where most of my first book was
written!"

	"WHAT!?"

	"Yes," he said nodding. "When I was in lock up one of the
therapists suggested I write down the stories I told myself. I have always
told myself stories to entertain myself, make pain disappear and just
because-- perhaps I am a born storyteller."

	He paused thoughtfully. "The first stuff was pretty rough, but
practice and a few writing classes in college and Voila! Money in the
bank!"

	He laughed and I grinned in pleasure. Hearing him laugh, seeing him
smile, that was what I wanted! I had the oddest feeling that everything was
going to be all right. That the future was going to be spent together. Sure
there was going to be rough spots, what relationship doesn't have them? But
nothing was EVER going to be as horrible as the last two days.  We'd been
through hell now we would go into paradise together.

	"Josh," Kel said breaking into my thoughts. "We need to talk. Talk
about some really serious things."

	"Yes," I said nodding. "But not tonight. Tonight I want to just
hold you and love you. I want to enjoy your company and the sound of your
voice. Mornings are better for getting into serious things."

	Kel studied my face, then he smiled. That bright shining smile that
lit up my world, that smile I was missing and aching so much to see, it
warmed me all the way to my toes.

	"All right then, we'll talk tomorrow. Tonight I am going to tell
you a story. Lean back and get comfy."

	Kel's hands pushed me back on the bed, adjusting the pillows and
blanket. Electricity sparked every time his fingers touched me. He curled
up in the warm hollow of my arm and ribcage and started to talk. His voice
flowed around me, relaxing, soothing, gentle. The hospital slipped away and
I was lost in the words he spoke: a story of two men seeking love and
finding it together.


July 18, 2004


Okay! One more chapter to go!  I apologize for it taking so long... Every
time I sat down at the computer the chapter got longer and longer! Next
chapter will tell Kel's side of his life and the final clash with his
father. So please be patient with me a little longer!