Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 19:13:55 -0600
From: dragonwriter@comcast.net
Subject: Mothers & Sons: Letters of Love

This is dedicated to my own Mom, who died Sept.8, 2001. I ache bitterly
that she can't read what I have written and what others have written to
me about my story. With her death I lost my best friend, confidante and
the only person who loved me for who I am and never tried to change me,
smooth out the rough edges yes but change me never. She wanted a child
with a backbone of steel and she would laugh and say "Kris has WAY too
much steel!" Everything I have done in my life I owe to her love and
support. So as Josh says "Dear Mama,"

Mothers & Sons: Letters of Love

January 20, 1991

	Dear Mama:

	I hope this letter finds you and everyone there well. Kel and I are
doing great! For the first few days home, we kind of tiptoed around each
other as if afraid of setting off an explosion. I'll confess, Mama, I was
terrified of doing something that would set Kel back and return him to
the hospital! And well, Nina was still here, so it was hard to get really
comfortable. I like Nina. I like her a LOT, but jeez, she's his Mom! I
felt like a teenager again!

	The second morning after Kel came home, I awoke early as usual-I planned
to start work again the following morning on Monday- and let the dogs out
then started coffee. The poor dogs had been half out of their heads in
excitement to have Kel home again. I really felt sorry for all his
animals, they had no idea where dad had disappeared! I was sipping my
first cup (yes, Mama, first of many!) of coffee when Kel appeared in the
kitchen. He moved so gracefully and quietly, it quite surprised me. Mama,
he looked so sweet and fragile and delicious; I just wanted to wrap my
arms around him and hold him forever!

	Kel was sleepy-eyed and his hair a tangle of curls against his fair
skin, but his eyes! Oh how green they were, Mama. When he smiled I
practically dropped my cup and sprinted to him, catching him and pulling
him into the biggest bear hug ever! He felt so good in my arms. I have
got to get some weight on him, he still feels like I might break him
unintentionally. But when he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his
head on my shoulder, the world just stopped. For several minutes, there
was nothing but he and I.

	Kel stepped back and looked up at me, his eyes glittering. I reached out
and stroked his cheek; he leaned into it. He gripped my wrist tightly.

	"Josh," he paused for a moment. "Oh God Josh, I love you."

	Tears welled up in my eyes, and for a moment I couldn't do anything. I
just stood there looking at him, blurring in and out of focus as I
blinked away the tears. I couldn't tell him what that simple line meant
to me: I had no words to express the feelings of happiness, relief and
pleasure that flooded through me at that moment. I pulled him into my
arms and hugged him again. At that moment, I loved him more than ever. I
suppose I shouldn't tell you this, but I wanted him naked in my arms. I'm
blushing to write this but we went back to bedroom and stayed there for
the rest of the morning. Most of the time we just talked and kissed and
talked some more.

	Nina stayed with us through the weekend. Friday evening, she got a call
from Joe, Kel's stepfather. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but she
was getting increasingly upset as the conversation went along.

	"Joe.. no, no of course not.. yes Joe, Kel is home," she glanced over at
Kel, who was lying on the couch in the sitting room. "Well yes, I suppose
so..I talked to my boss, he is allowing me all the time off I need." Nina
listened some more. "Joe he's MY son! Yes, I know you are my husband, but
I think at the moment Kel needs me more."

	She listened some more, "Kevin? I really doubt it, Joe. In case you
haven't noticed, Kevin is 19. I doubt he needs his stepmother standing in
attendance on him." Nina winced. "Yes Joe."

	Kel jerked to his feet and before Nina or I knew what was going on, he
had crossed the room and yanked the phone out of his mother's hand. His
eyes were snapping and his body was rigid with tension. For a moment,
Mama, I was terrified, seeing all that anger and knowing how hard he
struggled to keep it under control. He put the phone to his ear.

	"Joe," he snarled. There was a pause then he spoke, "Yes, its the
crazy."

	"No, you have never called me that..at least not to my face!"

	"Kel!" Nina cried. Kel just turned away from her and leaned against the
counter.

	"Joe," he said again. "You married my MOTHER, the woman who raised me."
His voice dropped to barely above a whisper, "The woman who took many a
beating intended for me. I think I have a larger claim to her time right
now."

	Kel listened. "No Joe, I don't think that she needs to hurry home to
satisfy your ego. She's my MOTHER, DAMMIT! And for once, just ONCE, I'd
like to have her all to myself!"

	Kel was practically screaming into the phone and Nina was crying. I
wasn't sure what to do but I figured that getting the phone from Kel was
the best of my choices. I hurried around the table and peeled Kel's
fingers off the phone before he could start yelling again. He looked
knives at me, he was so angry, but I just wrapped an arm around him and
cradled him against one shoulder and the phone against the other.

	"Mr. Raymond?" I asked.

	"And whom are you?" asked a voice so cold I shivered.

	"Joshua Sanclere."

	"Oh, you're the boy who's been staying with my stepson," Mr. Raymond's
voice warmed up a couple degrees.

	"Yes, I am Kel's lover," I answered, feeling repulsed by the contempt
oozing through the phone.

	"Lover? Phfft, flavour of the week. I have to be honest with you,"
Nina's husband's voice became almost oily. "Kel has NEVER been faithful
to anyone for any length of time EVER! He sleeps with them for awhile,
then moves on to someone more interesting."

	"Excuse me?!" I said sharply. "That is totally uncalled for, and I don't
think now is the right time to be bringing up his past... of which I
don't think you know a thing about!"

	There was a bark of laughter on the other end. Goosebumps erupted down
my back and I tightened my grip on Kel's shoulders. He leaned against me,
tears leaking out of his eyes. I glanced at Nina, who was shaking her
head.

	"Calm, Josh." She mouthed softly. I nodded, I understood: she meant stay
calm with Joe. I suspected he was the type who would take your anger and
twist it around to strike back at yourself. For a minute, Mama, all I
wanted to do was slam the phone down and scoop Kel up and run! But
running away wasn't how I was raised.

	"I'll tell you a thing or two about his past, Mr. Smart Mouth," Mr.
Raymond snarled. "Are you aware that sweet, gentle adorable boy is a
murderer? Do you know what he did-?"

	I pulled the phone away from my ear, and stared at it in shock. Glancing
up at Nina, I saw she was crying. I swore softly, and Kel went rigid. I
tucked the phone into my armpit and pulled Kel around to face me.

	"Kel, it isn't important! It doesn't matter what he thinks," I said
urgently. "What's important is what we think. We, Kel, you and me."

	 I didn't know anything else to do but to kiss him. What a kiss it was!
I think if Nina hadn't been there we'd have ended up on the floor rolling
around and Oops, sorry Mama.

	 I let Nina's husband vent his ugliness into my armpit for sometime. In
the meantime I kissed Kel some more and hugged Nina. Finally after, oh I
guess, about 5 minutes I put the phone back to my ear. The sad part was
that he hadn't even noticed I had not been listening to him.

	"...And when I got a hold of that poor mother of his, well let me tell
you.."

	"No thank you," I said sharply. "I'm finished talking to you. "

	"What?" He roared, making me wince.

	"It seems to me you have nothing constructive to say, and nothing I
don't already know," I said softly struggling with the urge to yell at
him, to call him names, to threaten him if he ever harassed Kel again.
But in my gut I knew none of those would be good andwould most likely
come back to bite me.

	"You young pup, you think you know everything," he growled.

	"Yes, I am young, twenty-two in case you wondered, but I think I will do
just fine without your help. Thank you for offering and we'll be in touch
if we ever need you." I hung up the phone.

	Kel stared at me in shock, then suddenly burst out laughing. He laughed
so hard he could hardly stand up, and had to lean against me. I wasn't
sure what he was laughing at, but I found myself grinning at him like a
fool. It was so wonderful to hear him laugh, to see his eyes sparkle and
no shadows of any kind in his face. I felt weak in the knees and had to
lean against the counter for support. Nina looked from one to the other
of us with a puzzled frown.

	"Oh God, I bet that toasted his butt!" Kel roared laughing. "People just
DON'T hang up on Joseph P. Raymond! And telling him you'll call if you
need him, precious!"

	Kel leaned against me laughing. Nina rolled her eyes up and shook her
head. I looked at Kel and shook my head. Nina had shown me a picture of
Joe and her: he was short and broad-not really fat-balding with an air of
smug self-satisfaction that came through quite clearly in the photo. I
could picture him glaring at the phone, his mouth hanging open in shock.
I started to snicker.

	"Well, he IS right." Nina said stifling a giggle. "Joe does expect
everyone to hang on his every word. Kevin calls him Moses!"

	That did it. The image of Kel's stepfather as Moses made me laugh so
hard I couldn't stand up. I collapsed, pulling Kel down with me into an
ungainly pile of legs and arms. For a while all any of us could do was
laugh. I don't think it was because Mr. Raymond was that funny, but
rather because we all needed to just laugh after the stress of the last
week.

	On Sunday night, Kel and I took Nina out to dinner. We went to a nice
restaurant in one of the neighbouring suburbs. We talked and laughed and
generally got to know each other. I know that sounds strange, since Nina
is Kel's Mom but I don't think she really knew her adult son. And I know
many of the things she told him were as new to him as they were to me. To
me it was so strange and terribly sad to realize that a mother and her
son could be such strangers.

	Somehow the conversation came around to Jem coming down at Christmas. We
laughed about having visitors and cleaning the house in preparation for
them. I commented teasingly that the house had smelled of Lysol for days!

	"God, I loathe that smell," Kel said making a face. "It reminds me of my
childhood, and I DON'T want to be reminded of that. But soon as a big
cleaning project comes up, what do I do? I run for the Lysol! Talk about
your Pavlovian responses!" Kel laughed.

	Nina laughed, "You don't understand why that smell was so omnipresent in
the house, do you?"

	Kel looked puzzled. Nina wiped her hands on her napkin and took a sip of
her coffee. She smiled softly into the cup and then up at Kel.

	"Your father hated the smell as well. He would rant and rage about it
but he couldn't deny that the house was clean. I kept it immaculate but
the smell of Lysol was there to defy him."

	Nina smiled again and Kel stared at her for a moment, then he burst out
laughing. I was pleased to hear him laughing, and I admit that I chuckled
as well.

	"Mom! How'd you dare?"

	Nina chuckled, "Oh you kids. You think you invented rebellion. Every
overworked housewife has known the fine art of passive resistance.
Believe me, Gandhi probably learned it from his mother!"

	Nina went home Monday morning. Kel told me for the first time since he
was a teen he was actually sorry to see her leave. For my part I was very
sorry to see her leave and I sniffled a bit as I hugged her goodbye. We
both promised to visit her when Kel went to Portland to Powell's City of
Books for a book signing in February. I wasn't certain how Joe was going
to take that but Kel was eager to see Kevin again.

	I had talked to Mitch over the weekend about my plans to move in with
Kel. He felt that was a wise move on my part, and had no hard feelings.

	I'm going to miss the hell out of you, Josh." he said. I told him that
he was always welcome at the house, and we'd have him and Will out for
dinner and a movie soon.

	Monday evening we took a load of boxes over to the house and started to
pack my stuff. I really didn't need most of the furniture but I wanted to
take my bed frame and mattress. I had a hunch we'd probably have company
to use it at some time or other. Most of my stuff was clothes, books,
pictures, my boom box and CDs and a few videotapes. I gathered up
Crystal's bones and food bowl feeling a mix of sadness and excitement. I
really didn't have a whole lot to move, most of it was little stuff.
There was the glass from the first gay club Mitch and I had visited, a
stuffed seal from the aquarium, and handful of other mementos from places
we'd visited when we first arrived in Seattle.

	Jem and Anita's school pictures were already at Kel's, along with the
baby pictures of Sela and John's kids, you gave me, Mama. Kel bought me
one of those frames with several small slots for pictures, and a couple
of very nice frames for Jem and Nita's. We haven't decided where to hang
them yet, but I think it will be on the wall by the stairs, or in the
hallway.

	Tuesday morning I woke up in Kel's bed thinking "This is our bed now!" I
snuggled down and pulled him close. I was home, Mama, home with Kel. I
know it isn't going to be all smooth sailing, but this was the beginning.
I'm home, Mama.


Love Josh

	Oh yeah! P.S. Kel and I decided to press harassment charges against
Matt. He didn't hurt anyone but he scared Kel very badly. In fact, he
scared us all very badly. And he invaded Kel's privacy in a particularly
nasty way. Officer Morgan told me he would probably get a fine and
community service.


	Hi Mom: January 25, 1991

	Letter writing is a new experience for me. I've always just called you
when I needed to talk to you, but Josh says that nothing is as cathartic
as writing. I like that word, catharsis, it just rolls off the tongue:
catharsis, catharsis. I think I'll put it on every page of my next book!
Catharsis! Anyway, I thought oh what the heck I AM A writer after all!

	Life appears to be returning to normal. Josh went back to work on the
14th so he is gone all day. I feel for him, construction is something I'd
never do willingly! But he likes it. He is looking to start his own
company with his friend Sam, one of the few you didn't meet- or at least
I don't think you did- when you were up here.

	My only problem is that Josh has a tendency to treat me like I'm made of
glass. Funny that I'd be complaining about being treated too well after a
lifetime of being a punching bag, but I just want to be NORMAL, Mom. Just
be treated like an ordinary person, which I suppose after last Wednesday
may be an even bigger dream than before.

	It was Wednesday night, I was working on my book trying to get it
wrapped up for the day so I could go spend some time with Josh, and for
the third or fourth time he came to the door and asked if I needed
anything. I really don't know WHY it hit me wrong, but there you are and
I exploded.

	I whirled around in my chair, eyes narrowed and jerked to my feet. Josh
stepped back a half step confusion plainly written on his face. Those
beautiful eyebrows I love so much were pulled down in consternation.

	"PLEASE!" I shouted. "I am fine! I am capable of getting anything I
need! I am crazy not crippled!

	"Kel!" He said, confusion and anger warring on his handsome face. Josh
gets so 'shadowed' for lack of a better word when he gets upset. The
planes of his face become even more defined and he retreats behind them,
it's actually pretty terrifying to see, but I was too angry to back down.

	"I'm not some china doll that will break, you know!"

	"No Kel, of course not.."

	"And on top of that I can't get any work done with you bugging me every
five minutes! Just as soon as I get my train of thought going you come in
here and derail it! I have a deadline, do you understand deadlines!"

	Josh's eyes narrowed making his cheekbones look sharp enough to cut, his
lips twisted into a sour taste grimace.

	"Oh I understand deadlines, all right." He scowled. "And I know what its
like to be tired, sore, sweaty and have someone yelling at you to work
faster. Maybe you should try some REAL work one day for a change!" His
voice had started as a whisper but ended as a snarl through clenched
teeth.

	"Is that so?!" I yelled back. "REAL work! Is that it! You don't think I
work? No of course you wouldn't. YOU sweat and so you think you have a
right to look down on anyone who doesn't!"

	Josh clenched his fists and for a moment I was petrified, I was so sure
he was going to belt me. But instead he whirled around and I heard him
stomp up the stairs. Josh called to Crystal, and I heard the door slam.
For several minutes I was still so angry, I didn't care if he ever came
back.

	But then I remembered his arms around me, his patience, how he had been
there at the hospital the whole time. I remember him laughing at a joke
and smiling. He's so big, Mom, sometimes that frightens me. But he's so
gentle, so comforting. That's when I started to cry, I had done it again.
Messed up the best thing in my life because I had to go and act crazy
again. My knees buckled, and I collapsed into a pile in the middle of the
room, sobbing my heart out. Tova came and nosed me, and I cried into his
neck for a while.

	Well you know me Mom, all that gave me the sudden craving for uncooked
macaroni and tortilla chips. I remember the eggs, so I didn't eat any of
them. Josh's car was gone and he still wasn't back after an hour, my
guess was that he was at Xan's. Sometimes I feel jealous of Xan. I know
how much Josh loves him.

	Speaking of which, last week Xan and Kaleb helped Josh move his stuff
over here. Xan had a HUGE bruise on his ribs and I thought Josh was going
to go ballistic when he saw it! He dragged Xan into the bathroom to look
at it, and then MADE Xan sit with an ice pack against it, while we
carried stuff out to the truck. Xan was amused, and sucked up all of
Josh's care like a giant sponge. Kaleb had looked concerned at first, and
I think you'll understand when I say I knew Kaleb had put that bruise
there. Just THAT look in his eyes, Mom. Thank heavens Josh didn't see it,
Mom, I think that knowledge on top of what he had learned about Dad, he'd
have torn Kaleb apart barehanded! But I doubt that Kaleb hurt him on
purpose, because Kaleb felt guilty about it, I could tell by his
expression.

	Anyway, getting back to Wednesday, after eating I felt better and
decided if Josh wasn't back home in a couple hours I'd call Kaleb and
Xan's and try to fix things if I could. It's hard sometimes to remember
that he's only twenty-two, he's so mature. Of course, at twenty-two I was
in the pysch ward again, so I'm hardly qualified to judge!

	I cleaned up my dishes, old habits are SO hard to change though I think
MY dish soap smells better than yours, and went back downstairs to work.
And work I did! I must have needed the adrenaline rush because I tore
into my writing, and I don't think I looked away from the computer until
about 9:00 pm. At that point I was in shock, it was so late!

	I ran upstairs and out the front door. Because the house is carpeted I
was barefoot and the cold sidewalk was a shock, sending knives up my
legs. Josh's Mustang was in the driveway by the Cougar. I canNOT tell you
how relieved I was by that discovery, my knees actually wobbled, and I
had to lean against the garage for a moment. Pushing off the garage, I
ran back inside. Josh wasn't downstairs in the TV room or in the bedroom,
but I saw the patio light on and went back there. The door slides so
quietly that he didn't even look up when I opened the door and stepped
out.

	He was sitting on a chair with his feet up on another. His back was to
me; light shining off his hair, and I sucked in my breath in pleasure.
His arm was lying relaxed on the arm of the chair, a bottle of soda held
loosely in one hand. Both dogs looked up and ran to me when I stepped out
onto the patio, but Josh never moved. Slowly I walked to him, stopping
behind him. I touched his shoulder softly. He leaned his head against my
arm.

	"I'm sorry, Josh. I really, truly am. Can you forgive me?" I asked
softly.

	He tipped his head back until the crown was against my belly and he was
looking straight up at me. He smiled, god how I love those lips, so full,
so sensual.

	"Of course I do," he said simply.

	He ran his free hand up my side and pulled me down into a kiss. Josh put
the soda bottle down, twisted around to wrap his arms around me and
pulled me into his lap. I snuggled up to his broad warm chest, feeling
safe- safer than I have ever felt in my life. I was so relieved to have
him home I started to cry again.

	"Were you at Xan's?" I asked wiping the tears away.

	Josh nodded. "Yes, but I spent most of it on the phone with Alejhandro."

	"He's an awesome man," I said softly.

	Josh nodded again. "But you are the man I love most in the world. I
apologize for being overly attendant to you. I will back off, I just
wanted you to know I was here for you."

	I caressed his arm. "It's okay. I really do appreciate it. I'm just so
unused to it, I guess."

	Josh smiled, "We both are going to have to adjust to the other's ways
and actions. Alejhandro told me that we'd been through something that
tears people apart, and now its time to step back and let each other
breathe."

	I nodded, my cheek rubbing against the print on his sweatshirt. My
fingers trailed down his arm to his wrist, which looked huge against my
own bony wrist. Josh is slender but every bit of him is muscle, not
bulked out muscle like Kaleb but wirey muscle. He turned his hand over
and entwined his fingers around mine. He's so handsome, Mom, and in a
large part because he doesn't realize it. Unlike say, Xan or Colin, who
both know they are beautiful, Josh only sees himself as a brown face in a
sea of white ones. But I took one look at him in the club that night and
fell head over heels. For a while we just sat there, taking comfort from
each other's presence.

	"Josh," I said softly. "Let's go to bed."

	He grinned, "Xan says make-up sex is the best!"

	I don't know how he can be so understanding, Mom. Maybe there really is
such a thing as true love. Anyway I'll get this off in the mail. Give
Kevin a hug from me.

Love, Kel


	Dear Mama February 5, 1991

	Just a quick note to let you know I got your letter and everything is
fine here. The argument we had is long past, and Kel and I are closer
than ever. Thanks so much for your advice. Alejhandro told me basically
the same thing: we had leaned on each other so strongly while he was in
the hospital and now we just need some breathing space. As Papa says, a
good yelling match does tend to clear the air and the sinuses!

	 I decided to establish a routine for weekdays and it seems to be
working quite well. On the days that Kel doesn't have dinner waiting for
me when I get home, I go downstairs and let him know I am home. Usually
we talk for a few minutes: things like "How was your day?"-- that kind of
small talk. Then I go up to the bathroom and shower, shave and clean up.
Many days Crystal, Tova and I go out in the yard for some exercise or I
work on the car, read or watch some TV. Kel usually comes and finds me
within about an hour or so and we spend the rest of the night together.

	Last Sunday, the 3rd, I decided to do some work under the hood of the
'Stang, as Kel was busy writing. I won't bore you with details, you can
read Jem's letter if you want all the dirty details! Anyway, I was
working and not paying attention to the dogs when they started barking.
Tova's bark is really more of a howl, but it suddenly occurred to me that
they were making an unholy racket!

	I straightened up and about jumped out of my skin. Mrs. Witsky was
standing about five feet away at the front of the car petting Crystal.
Before the ground froze last year I sunk a tie down into the middle of
the lawn and bought a longer chain for Tova, but he couldn't quite reach
her and he was making his displeasure at that known to all who could
hear! She smiled and walked over to him and rubbed his ears. She turned
back to me and smiled.

	"Kel is inside. I can go yell at him," I said, starting for the door.

	"No, I come see you," she said, her eyes sharply appraising me.

	I stopped and walked back to the car; picked up my grease rag and wiped
my hands on it. I was feeling slightly nervous under the intensity of her
scrutiny. I'm embarrassed to admit I checked my clothes for grease stains
and wished I had a rag to wash my face.

	"You still here," she said, not a question but rather a statement of
fact.

	"Yes, I am still here," I answered softly.

	"Yah, is goot. Is very goot." The elderly woman nodded. Her eyes were as
clear as a teenager's, and fixed me with a look that pierced me to the
soul.

	"I see you, I think 'Yah Anna, he is goot one. Will take goot care of my
boy. Is wunderbar'. I right."

	I blushed and ducked my head. She went on, "My boy, he needs someone
strong, big, secure, take care of him. You do that?"

	"Yes, ma'am," I said softly. "I sat there in that hospital and thought.
I could have walked out at any time, and no one would've blamed me. But I
didn't," I paused.

	"I couldn't," I went on, picking my words carefully. "I promised to love
him and be there for him. I won't go back on my promise."

	"And most importantly, I love Kel. He's a part of my soul now," I
swallowed and wiped off a tear.

	The tiny lady walked the few feet to me. She took my greasy hand in hers
and squeezed. Again I was impressed at the strength in her hand and I
remembered Kel telling me once "Not even my dad would cross her! She
packs a big gun and knows how to use it." I wondered what kind of life
she had lived. I was certain she'd have some interesting stories to tell.

	"You give my boy love, take care of him. I can't be here to take care of
him forever. His mother? Phfft!" She made a dismissing gesture.

	I opened my mouth to defend Nina but Mrs. Witsky waved me silent. She
studied her hands a moment then looked up at me.

	"Some people get hurt very young, always after hide from everyting and
everyone. Nina she one, she try, but never can she be what he needs. My
poor Nina, she hide always. Hide behind someone, behind someting. "

	She shook her head. "Must love self before you can love another, yah?
Nina, she not love herself, she hate herself for letting that man hit
her, hit her baby. She not strong enough to stand up to him, so she hate
herself."

	Tears glistened in the old woman's eyes. She looked up at the house and
I followed her gaze wondering what she was seeing. I wasn't sure I wanted
to know really. She shrugged and looked back up at me.

	"I try, I always tell her to leave him, but she not have the courage.
She afraid, afraid of many things. Needs someone to protect her, her son,
he is the same. Always need a protector. We," she punched me lightly on
the arm, "we do the protecting, eh?"

	I nodded, tears filling my eyes. She studied me a moment longer, then
she smiled and started pelting me with questions about the car. I stared
at her, then started to laugh. Mrs. Witsky grinned and we spent sometime
with our heads under the hood. She left a little while later, after
making me promise to come over for lunch with Kel.

	I've thought a lot about what Mrs. Witsky said, Mama. And when I went to
Alejhandro's last week he said pretty much the same thing. Of course, he
said it in fancier language, but it was the same thing. I understand what
they are saying; I could feel the self-hate in Nina. She wants so much to
be a mother for Kel but she's afraid to start now. Or afraid she'll make
a muck of it, I don't know. And Kel? Well, same thing: Kel is afraid to
reach out to her. He told me he hated her as a teen, and I think he feels
guilty for that. Sometimes I just want to knock their heads together! But
I remember patience, Mama. I am trying, very, very, hard.

Your loving son, Josh


	Dear Mom: February 7th, 1991

	Thanks for your call. As I said then, whatever was bothering us seems to
be gone and we are doing just spiffy now! All sunshine and trumpets!
HAHA, at least until next time. I know things are never going to be fairy
tale perfect, even for a fairy like me! After all I did live with Micah
and Juan, but I think Josh is as close to perfect as humanly possible.

	Last weekend, we took the dogs up to Lake Sammamish to run in Marymoor
Park. There are so many housing developments being built in the
surrounding area that I hardly recognized the area. Micah and I used to
go up there, smoke a little pot, make some love and walk around hand in
hand. It was even better to be with Josh, he held my hand and I felt
really safe and loved. We chased the dogs around the park, in the off
leash area, and they in turn chased the few ducks and geese too lazy to
fly any further south. There was one goose I thought was going to take a
chunk out of Tova's nose, it was standing upright, wings spread and
hissing loud enough to hear in Inglewood! Josh grabbed Tova by the
collar, and forcefully dragged him away from the goose. Tova wasn't very
happy about it, and even Crystal had to give the goose an over the
shoulder departing bark, which made both Josh and me laugh.

	"Defending her man," Josh said with a grin.

	"Takes after her dad," I answered returning the grin.

	Josh blushed at that. He's so gorgeous when he blushes. I love that
copper skin of his anyway, it looks and feels so warm, but when he
blushes he looks like a shiny new penny to me! And his eyebrows rise up
even more at the temples so they look like wings for his eyes. I had the
odd thought that they would fly away.

	We took a picnic and even though it was cold, we ate by the lake. I
started to shiver and Josh pulled me into his lap and wrapped his coat
around me. He is used to much colder winters and he laughs politely at me
when I freeze. Of course, I have no insulation anymore, but he says he'll
get some weight on me yet! So there we were: Josh sitting Indian style
with me in his lap, his coat wrapped around the both of us. Sometime I
think I must have a case of arrested development because I couldn't
resist kissing him. But to be fair his lips WERE only about two inches
from mine and my arms were wrapped around him.

	So like a pair of teenagers we ended up making out right there in the
middle of Lake Sammamish State Park! It was much too cold for sex, but
not for a lot of groping and kissing and teasing. I was totally
blissfully unaware of anything other than the feel of Josh's hard body
under my hands and pressed against my body and his warm lips against
mine. I was so wired that the slightest touch of his fingers, lips or
tongue set off fireworks. We were so intent on each other that we didn't
even realize there was anyone around.

	"Yeah bro, do it!"

	Josh's head jerked up and around, and I twisted my head in the direction
of the shout. There was a guy standing on the trail about 50 feet away.
He was about Josh's age and wearing a parka and ski hat, beside him was a
girl a little younger than him also in a parka and hat. He pumped his
fist in the air.

	Josh flushed bright red and rolled off of me. He scrambled to his feet,
and stood looking for all the world like a child caught doing mischief. I
started to laugh, I just couldn't help it. There was something so absurd;
so slapstick about the whole situation. I mean, caught in a public park
making out under a tree! Josh glared at me for a moment then I suppose he
saw the humor in the situation and started laughing. He rolled to his
feet and offered me a hand.

	"Oh my god, they're both guys!" the girl squeaked.

	"So what Marie? Jeez looeez," the guy grabbed her arm and pulled her up
the trail. He looked over his shoulder and grinned, then pumped his arm
again.

	Josh pulled me to my feet. He pulled me close and just held me for a
minute. I leaned against him feeling the hardness of his body through his
sweatshirt. His arms were firm but gentle, I so love a strong man, Mom!

	"Shall we go home?" he asked softly, his breath clouding around his
face.

	I smiled and kissed him. Josh whistled to Crystal, who came running,Tova
in tow, and together, arms around each other's waists we walked back to
the car.

Kel


	Dear Elizabeth: February 11, 1991

	I just got the brightest, happiest piece of writing from Kel I have ever
seen. It was a letter telling me about the last weekend. He and Josh went
to Marmoor Park, which is a park on a lake not far from Newcastle, where
they live. The words just poured off the page into images and feelings I
never thought I'd ever experience again in my son. His happiness seemed
to spring off of the page. I must thank you because it is all due to your
son. Your beautiful loving son has pulled something out of my son I
expected to never see again: the desire to live and to be happy.

	Thank you again from the bottom of my heart,

Nina


September 22, 2004

Here it is. I hope the letter format wasn't to annoying. I wanted to
cover a far amount of time but not have to WRITE it! HAHA