Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 17:20:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: J X <xxx_supafly@yahoo.com>
Subject: Memoirs Chapter 1

This story is copyright Triple X.  It cannot be used
on any site without my consent.  If you wish to use
it, please contact me at XXX_Supafly@yahoo.com.
Please check out my site for other stories, as well as
updates on my writing.
http://www.angelfire.com/mi3/TripleX

Disclaimer:  This story features sexual situations
between gay males.  If you are not supposed to read
this for whatever reason, please leave.  For those of
you still here, I really hope you enjoy this story.

****************

(Quick note. This story is written from the
perspective of the main character writing a book of
his life. So when it says Author Note, and dedication
below, it is written as the character, not as me.)

**************************

Author's Note: I've been in this business for almost
22 years now. And looking back over everything, all
the memories seem so much sweeter now than they did
the first time. So many things have happened to me
because of this business, some good, some bad. And
I'll use this book to share them all with you. After
years of pleading from my publishers, managers, record
labels, etc. I have finally caved in and written
these, my memoirs.

This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever had a
dream.

********************************

Chapter 1: First Big Break

I had dreamed from the first time I'd heard a Diana
Ross song, to be that big of a superstar one day. And
after years of trying, I was finally on my way. Of
course, I was nowhere near superstardom yet. But after
dreaming of it for so long, the record deal alone was
a dream come true.

The year was 2013. And contrary to what everyone
thought in the late 90's-early 2000's, pop music
stayed around. It was just as big then as it was from
the first time Britney Spear's "Baby One More Time"
blared through speakers across the world. Of course,
teen pop singers we're few and far between in them
days. The artists that the world thought would fizzle
away, continued to dominate the music scene. And it
was one of them that helped me get to where I am now.
Cue the flashback music.

* * *

I had grown up in the small town of Anson, Texas. And
by the time I turned 17, the entire town knew of my
vocal talents. But still, nothing had ever come of it.
But I never let that discourage me. I continued to
take what little gigs I could get, singing at birthday
parties, weddings,and even a funeral once. I loved to
sing, and that's what I wanted to do. Even if it would
only be for a small crowd of people in the Anson Town
Hall.

It was right around that time that I met Mick Jensen.
He was an older man, about 60 at the time. Pretty much
everyone in Anson knew him. His pizza parlor was
famous. Not just for the pizza, but for the Karaoke
Friday nights, that everyone in Anson had been to at
least once.

Not me though. I was a bit of a late bloomer socially.
My time was always buried in music. Be it listening
to, writing, or singing it; music always had my
attention. But in seventh grade I met Ashley. And with
her, came an actual social life for me. Which is how I
came to know Jensen's Pizza Parlor.

One Friday night in the ninth grade, Ashley called me
around 8 pm, and told me to get ready. I asked for
what, and she eventually told me. I was kind of
excited. After all, these Karaoke friday nights were
famous all throughout Anson. And finally after 16
years, I was finally going to one. I got ready quickly
and ran to my car. Ashley said she'd meet me there.

I got ready as quickly as I could. I decided against
my purple contact lenses. (The world would just have
to live with my blue eyes tonight.) I stood infront of
the mirror for a few seconds, trying to decide on what
to do with my dingy blonde hair for the evening. I
decided to just throw a hat on, as I was supposed to
meet Ashley at Jensen's in less than 20 minutes. So I
grabbed my white Oakland Raiders hat, and my car keys
from the kitchen table and was on my way.

I arrived at Jensen's to find Ashley waiting for me by
the front doors. When we walked in there was hardly a
seat to be found. Ashley and I scanned the entire
restaurant, eventually noticing a small table in the
corner next to the stage. I grabbed Ashley by the hand
and drug her quickly over to it. We sat down and began
to look over the menu. We decided on a chips and
cheese, and flagged down the waiter. As he smiled over
at us, I noticed the most handsome man I had ever laid
eyes on. I continued to stare in his direction, as my
thoughts drifted off to my attraction. I had often
found myself attracted to men, celebrities for the
most part. I hadn't really come to terms with that
just yet. But here I was, staring at this gorgeous
man, attracted to him beyond belief. It was him
walking to our table that snapped me back to my
senses.

"Hey Doyle," Ashely said as he approached.

"Hey Ash," He said back. "What can I get you two
tonight?" He asked, flipping open a note pad.

"Small chips and cheese, and a pitcher of Coke," She
replied.

He jotted it down quickly then looked straight at me.
I could feel my knees begin to knock underneath the
table. Never in my life had I felt an attraction this
strong.

"Will that be it?" He asked, smiling at me.

"Y yeah," I stammered out.

"Okay," He said again.

He smiled at me again then reached across the table
and took our menus. I continued to stare at him as he
walked back to the kitchen. Ashley waved her hand in
front of my face, bringing me back to my senses. I
looked over at her, a look of silent amusement on her
face. She began to chuckle slightly.

"What?" I asked

"You have so got a thing for him," She said back,
throwing a straw wrapper at me.

"After 2 years of knowing you, you have finally got a
crush. I'm so proud Ethan," She said, laughing
slightly at the finish of her statement.

My eyes connected with her's and froze. In an instant
my body iced over. It had been my intention to never
let ANYONE know about my secret gay longings. And now,
Ashley had found out. I was freaking out inside, but
outside, my eyes had not left her's.

"Its okay Ethan," She said, grasping my hand in hers.
"I'm cool with it,"

"C--Cool with what?" I asked, nervously.

"You being attracted to guys. Hey, it gives us more to
talk about," She said, smiling at me.

"I looked at her and shook my head. Well that was
horrifying. But at least she was cool with it. The
rest of the world still wasn't going to know. I
planned on having a career in music somehow, and the
whole world knowing I was gay; probably wouldn't help.


The incredibly cute waiter, who was now identified as
Doyle eventually returned with our food. Ashley and I
sat and talked for a few minutes, both of us picking
at the slightly over cooked chips and cheese, when the
Karaoke emcee announced that the Karaoke was about to
begin. I turned in my seat and heard the music to
Janet Jackson's "That's the Way Love Goes" start up.
As the woman began to sing, I cringed. This was one of
my all time favorite songs, and what this person was
doing to this song could be considered a felony in 48
states. I plugged my ears and began to shake my head.
After the song came to an end, people began to clap
and cheer, for some odd reason. But as usual, my big
mouth got me in trouble.

"My cat has sang better," I said, I thought quietly
enough, but obviously not.

"You think you can do better?" the "singer" asked me.

I had lost all reason at this point. When people
confronted me on singing matters, I lost all track of
reality.

Think. Hell, I know I can do better than that,"

"Well be my guest," The singer said, extending the
microphone in my direction.

I slid out of my seat and walked up to the stage. I
walked over to the emcee, who was laughing
hysterically and asked for a song list. He handed me
the extremely thick book, and I changed my mind
immediately. Oh no, I was still gonna show this bitch
how to sing, but I decided against looking through
that book.

"Do you have My All by Mariah Carey?" I asked the
emcee.

"Sure do," He said, typing the title into the
computer.

I walked up to the monitor and grabbed the other
microphone. After that torture that woman had put the
other mic through, it needed a break. I took a deep
breath and cleared my throat, as the first words began
to appear on the screen:

"I am thinking of you. In my sleepless solitude
tonight. If its wrong to love you. Then my heart just
won't let me be right. Cause I've drowned in you. And
I won't pull through without you by my side.

I'd give My All. To have. Just one more night with
you. I'd risk my life. To feel. Your body next to
mine. Cause I can't go on. Living in the memory of our
song. I'd give My all. For your love. Tonight..."

It was usual for me to close my eyes as I sang. I got
that much into it. If my eyes would've been open, I
would've noticed that every eye in the place was glued
to me. As I belted out the last note, the entire
restaurant erupted in applause. You couldn't have
surgically removed my smile at that point. I looked
around and noticed that one by one, the entire
restaurant had began to stand. I had recieved a
standing obation. How bout that for showing that bitch
up.

"I think I did better," I said smugly.

I put the mic back into its holster and walked back to
our table. Ashley who had heard me sing many a time,
was laughing. I was so proud of myself at that point,
I almost bounced back to the table. Ashley didn't say
anything to me, just gave me a slight little smirk. I
immediately knew she was up to something.

"Encore," She began to chant loudly. "Encore, encore,
encore,"

The words travelled quickly throughout the restaurant
as the normal smell of pizza did when the doors opened
at lunchtime. The crowd began to beat on the table as
they chanted "encore, encore, encore," I could faintly
hear the emcee over the roar saying

"Come on dude, or they'll tear this place down,"

So reluctantly (yeah fucking right) I went back to the
stage. As I stepped back onto the stage the crowd
began to quiet into just applause, then into eventual
silence. I walked over to the emcee and opened the
book quickly. I flipped through about 3 or 4 pages and
put my finger on a song. Hopelessly Devoted by Olivia
Newton-John, luckily I knew that one.

"That one," I said to the emcee, showing him the book.


"You got it chief," He said, clicking away at his
computer.

I grabbed the microphone and cleared my throat. A hush
fell over the whole restaurant. I looked out, and this
time noticed everyone in the restaurant was focused on
me. This gave me an incredible feeling of power. I was
determined to give them an even better performance
than the first one. I cleared my throat once more as
the music began to play and the words entered the
screen:

"This smile, is not the first Heartbroken. My eyes are
not the first to cry. I'm not the first to know.
There's just no getting over you.

I know, I'm just a fool. Who's willing. To sit around.
And wait for you. But baby can't you see. There's
nothing else for me to do. I'm hopelessly devoted to
you..."

As I finished the song, the restaurant once more
erupted into applause. I put the microphone back into
its holster and walked smugly back to my table. Being
her normal self, Ashley felt the need to remind
everyone "That is my best friend," I just laughed at
her as the emcee began to sing my praises.

"Wow, I'm not sure anyone's gonna wanna come up here
after that," He said, walking around the stage. "But
hey, someone be brave,"

The stage had completely lost my interest, since no
one was murdering a song at the moment. Ashley kept
telling me how great I was, as if she had never heard
me sing before. But hey, I loved her for it. My
thoughts bounced from my amazing talent, to the cute
waiter as he began to approach us. He had his apron
slung over his shoulder, and a coke in hand. I knew
before he even walked up to us what Ashley was going
to do.

"Hey Doyle, care to join us?" She asked

"Don't mind if I do," He said, sitting his coke down
on the table and sliding in next to Ashley.

"Oh Doyle, this is Ethan, Ethan Doyle," Ashley
explained, introducing us.

"Nice to meet you," He said, extending his hand to me.


I shook his hand and felt shivers shoot down my spine.
I know its stupid, but even a minor touch like that
gave me chills. I released the handshake but didn't
remove my eyes from his beautiful face. His green eyes
sparkled, much like his smile. This boy was gorgeous.
But I shook those thoughts from my mind quickly, so he
wouldn't notice my staring. I grabbed the pitcher and
re-filled my coke. I took a quick sip at it, then
spoke.

"So how do you two know each other?" I asked

"Oh duh," Ashley laughed. "I should've said, this is
my cousin Doyle."

"Cousin? Poor guy," I joked, grinning at Ashley.

"Tell me about it," Doyle agreed, flashing his killer
smile.

I smiled over at him and completely lost myself once
more in his gorgeous green eyes. I could see Ashley
out of the corner of my eye, smiling like she had just
won the lottery. It was her kicking me under the table
that made me realize I hadn't stopped staring at
Doyle. I definently needed to cool down a little. I
announced I needed to use the restroom, and quietly
slid out from the table. I walked into the bathroom
and locked the door behind me. I walked up to the sink
and stared deep into the mirror.

"Pull yourself together Ethan," I sighed, splashing
cold water on my face. "He's gotta be straight,"

I snatched some paper towels from the dispenser and
dried my face. I gave myself a quick look in the
mirror, then re-emerged into the restaurant. I began
to walk back to my table when a voice called to me
from behind.

"Hey you, singing kid, come here," The voice yelled.

I assumed he was speaking to me, and began to walk
towards the bar. As I walked up to the bar, the person
who yelled for me pointed to a door behind him.

"Mr. Jensen wants to see you," He said, pointing to
the door behind him.

"Okay," I said, unsure of what exactly was happening.

I walked behind the bar and cautiously knocked on the
door. I could hear the voice inside the room yell
"Come in." I walked in and shut the door behind me. In
front of me sat a grizzled old man, looking over a
stack of documents on his desk. He looked up from his
papers and smiled at me.

"Sit down," He said, sitting his papers down on the
desk.

I obliged and pulled the chair up in front of the
desk. I was still completely clueless as to what was
going on here.

I heard you sing earlier," He said, removing his
glasses and putting them in his pocket. "You were
amazing,"

"Thank you," I said, once again proud of myself.

"I asked you here for one reason. I don't know if you
know, but the usual Tuesday act here just got a record
deal, and is moving to New York,"

"I had no idea actually. This is the first time I've
ever been here," I replied

"Oh, no biggie. What I'm saying kid, is would you like
to take over the Tuesday slot?"

All at once I was lifted from reality. This was too
good to be true. I kept expecting to wake up anytime,
still in my bed. I couldn't believe it, I had been
offered my own time slot. Where people would listen to
me, all night. There was no way in hell I was turning
this down.

"I'd love to," I said, still in somewhat shock.

"Great," He said. "You get to perform anywhere from
10-12 songs a night, depending on how business is that
day. Its only Tuesdays for now, but that is one of our
best days. You just take these papers here, fill em
out and bring em back to me. Then you can start," He
explained, handing me the papers he had been looking
over.

I took the papers and shook the man's hand. My
un-removable smile had once again returned as I walked
back to the table. I didn't care what these papers
said, as long as I could sing, in front of an
audience. And if the other act had gotten a record
deal, maybe I could too. I sat back at the table and
stared at the two of them for a few seconds. Ashley
gave me this inquisitive look, and snatched the papers
from my hands. She looked them over for a few seconds,
then showed them to Doyle. He looked them over and
smiled brightly at me.

"Getting a job here?" He asked, handing me back the
papers.

"Yeah. I just became the new Tuesday act," I said,
keeping my calm, waiting for Ashley's reaction.

"You what?" She asked, a shocked look on her face.

"I just became the new act Tuesday nights," I replied.


She stared at me for a few seconds, then burst out
screaming. She almost jumped across the table and
grabbed me into a hug. If it were possible, I would've
thought she was happier than me. She started in once
again with the "that's my best friend" chants. I put
my finger up to my lips to shush her, but alas, it was
too late.

"Whoa kid," The emcee said, the microphone echoing the
statements throughout the restaurant. "Your the new
Tuesday act?"

I knodded my head and yelled "Yeah."

"That's cool. Kelly left some big shoes to fill, but I
think you can handle it. How's about you come up and
sing one more for the folks tonight, to commerate your
first night at Jensen's?" He asked, pointing the
microphone at me.

"Okay," I obliged, walking up to the stage. I had run
out of idea's on which songs to sing, so I grabbed the
book. I told the emcee to bring someone else up while
I looked for a song. He agreed, and the woman who had
started this whole thing tonight, came back on stage.
I looked up at her and flashed her my best devilish
smile. I think she knew better than to pick a Janet
Jackson song again. As the song began to play, I
noticed the sounds of Britney Spear's "From the Bottom
of my Broken Heart," That was when it occured to me. I
walked over to the emcee and began to talk to him.

"You got Born to Make You Happy by Britney Spears?" I
asked, quietly, to not disturb the "singer" on stage.

"Yep, sure do," He said, typing it into his computer.

I knodded my approval and sat next to the emcee,
waiting for the "singer" to finish her song. As she
murdered the last note, I stood up and grabbed the
microphone. I cleared my throat and waited for the
music to start. As the first sounds started, I closed
my eyes, and began to sing:

"I'm sitting here alone up in my room. And thinking
about the times . That we've been through (oh my
love). I'm looking at a picture in my hand. Trying my
best to understand. I really want to know . What we
did wrong. With the love I felt so strong. If only you
were here tonight. I know that we could make it right.


I don't know how to live without your love. I was born
to make you happy. 'Cause you're the only one within
my heart. I was born to make you happy. Always and
forever you and me. That's the way our life should be.
I don't know how to live without your love. I was born
to make you happy..."

For the third time that night, the entire restaurant
erupted into applause. I smiled, said thank you this
time, and exited the stage. As the applause died down,
I could hear the emcee start to speak.

"And that kid is here to stay ladies and gents. Meet
our new Tuesday act....hey what's your name kid?"

"Ethan," I yelled

"Okay. Come check out Ethan on Tuesday. With his first
full length show,"

That was when it occured to me. I was not prepared to
start a show that soon. Did I know 10 songs well
enough to sing without the words? Well I'm sure I did.
But what songs? I couldn't flood my entire show with
just Mariah Carey. I would definently have to spend
the rest of my weekend trying to get my show together.


My thoughts once again drifted away from the table.
There was alot of preparation that went into a show.
Yeah, I would be singing to music coming from a the
synthesizer, but when music means as much to you as it
does to me; you tend to take things seriously. There
were lots of things I had to plan for. What I would
wear, how I'd do my hair, but most importantly what I
would sing. I had to cut my evening short, and go home
and start my planning.

"Ash, I'm gonna head home. I've got alot of planning
for this show," I explained, snapping back to reality.


"Okay. If you need help planning, call me," She said,
stirring around her soda with her straw.

"Okay," I said, standing up from the table.

"I'll walk you out," Doyle spoke, much to my surpise.

I looked at Doyle and flashed him a quick smile. My
attention then flashed to Ashley. I smiled and glared
at her. I knew she was definently up to something.
Question was, was it something I would like?

I motioned for Doyle to follow and began to walk
towards the door. I was hounded on my exit by people
saying "Your amazing." "I can't wait to hear your
show," Stuff like that. I just smiled, said thank you,
and kept on walking. I had fans, already. That was
definently something I could used to.

As Doyle and I entered the parking lot, nervousness
hit me. Here I was, alone in a parking lot with this
incredibly hot guy. And he had offered to walk me out.
Would Ashley have told him of my feelings for him?
That was a dumb question, of course she would. But she
wouldn't have told him, if she didn't know he was gay,
or at least bi. There as my one ray of hope. As I
reached my car, I opened the door and got in. I
started it up, then turned to look at Doyle. His body
language was telling me nothing. Un-readable people
angered me sometimes.

It was nice meeting you," I said, breaking the rather
awkward silence.

"Same here," He agreed, no emotion in his voice.

He really was un-readable. I was hoping for at least
hint of nervousness in his voice. But nothing. There
was no way he was interested anyways. I reached out to
grab the door, but he stopped me. I looked up at him
questioningly.

"Umm," He stammered, a bit nervous. "Ashley said that
maybe, umm, you'd like to go out sometime?"

The nervousness had completely enveloped his voice
with the finish of his statement. I had to be dreaming
now. Was every dream I had ever had going to come true
tonight? And then boom, it started raining money. No,
not really. I looked up at Doyle, and noticed him
shuffling nervously, almost like a little kid who
really needed to use the restroom. I stood up from my
seat and took Doyle's hand in mine.

"I would absolutely love to," I said, beaming with
happiness.

Oh Thank God," He said, exhaling a relieved sigh. "I
was afraid you were going to say no. Ash has played
jokes like that on me before," He explained.

"Say no? To you? Never. I've always been a sucker for
green eyes," I returned, sitting back down.

He smiled his gorgeous smile and immediately melted my
heart. I had to give him my phone number. But my car
was seriously lacking in adequate writing material.
That was when it hit me. I leaned over the passenger
seat and dug in my glove compartment. I produced a
demo cd I had made, and opened it up. I reached around
to the backseat and grabbed my book bag. I ripped out
a pencil, and quickly jotted my number down. I closed
the CD and handed it to him.

"It's a demo CD," I explained, handing him the disk.
"I wrote my number on the inside,"

"Okay, great," He said, an extremely happy tone in his
voice. "I'll call you tomorrow, when's a good time?"

"I'll be there all day, gotta plan for this show," I
replied, turning back normal in my seat.

"Great, talk to you tomorrow,"He said, shutting my
door for me.

"Yeah, bye Doyle,"

I threw my car in reverse and backed out, waving to
him as I did. He waved back to me, then walked back
into the restaurant. I cranked the radio up and drove
from the restaurant. As the warm Texas air blew on my
face, all I could think of was Doyle. I couldn't
believe how perfect this evening had been.

As excited as I was about Doyle, thoughts of my show
began to take over my mind. I couldn't believe he had
given me my own show, after hearing only two songs from
me. What a magical place Jensen's had turned out to
be. My life had never been better.

* * *

I couldn't sleep that night. I would drift off for
about 20 minutes, then a song would pop into my head,
or an idea on what to wear. I got sick of it
eventually, and gave up all hope of sleeping. I picked
up the clock from the table next to my bed a cringed,
3:30 am. Oh well, maybe if I stayed up longer, I would
eventually fall asleep. I staggered from bed and
walked over to my computer. I flicked it on, and in
seconds it was booted, thanks to the new Pentium 200
Processor. I signed quickly onto the internet, and
clicked on my Yahoo Messenger. As was no suprise for
the weekends, Ashley was still awake. Before I had a
chance, she sent me a private message.

YouWishYouHadThis: Up kinda late aint ya, Ethan?

PharohOfYourFantasies: I can't sleep, this stupid show
has my brain frazzled.

YouWishYouHadThis: That and?

PharohOfYourFantasies: That and your incredibly sexy
cousin

YouWishYouHadThis: LOL, when you going out with him?

PharohOfYourFantasies: Whenever he calls

YouWishYouHadThis: He'll call, he did nothing but talk
about you after you left. He sooooo has a crush on
you.

PharohOfYourFantasies: That's good, because I sooooo
have one on him too.

YouWishYouHadThis: How cute, you two are gonna work
together.

PharohOfYourFantasies: Damnit Ash, I had succsessfully
not thought of that show for 5 minutes, then your
brought it up.

YouWishYouHadThis: Sorry, you know what song you
should do?

PharohOfYourFantasies: Wha?

YouWishYouHadThis: Irresistable

PharohOfYourFantasies: By Jessica, or that wanna be
Aguilera?

YouWishYouHadThis: Duh Ethan, I hate Aguilera just as
much as you.

PharohOfYourFantasies: Hmm, good idea. You think of
anymore, email them to me, I'm gonna go scrounge
through my jukebox looking for more. Night.

YouWishYouHadThis: Night

With that I disconncted myself from the internet, and
opened up my music jukebox. Saying as every single
song I ever liked was on here, I'm sure finding 12
songs would be no problem. Then I could burn them to
cd, and my show would be set. And being the man of
chance I am, I would let the song-shuffler pick them
for me.

*Click* song 1. Alone In Love by Mariah Carey. 'Ooh,
good choice' I said to myself

*Click* song 2. That's The Way Love Goes by Janet
Jackson. 'I woulda picked that anyways, regardless if
you did or not' I said aloud, obviously speaking to
the computer (it was 4 am, I'm sure you talk to stuff
when your tired too)

*Click* song 3. I Want It That Way by the Backstreet
Boys. 'Okay, might not have chose that, but I'll
live.'

*Click* song 4. Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw.
'Good choice, it is Texas after all, have to have some
country.'

*Click* song 5. I Still Believe by Mariah Carey.
'Would picked that one even if too.'

*Click* song 6. Hurt So Good by John Mellencamp. 'Good
Karaoke song, it'll go good at Jensen's'

*Click* song 7. I Will Always Love You by Whitney
Houston. 'Yikes, I hope my voice is up to that one.'

*Click* song 8. Tu Solo Tu by Selena. 'Ooh, Spanish.
Eh, it is Texas.'

*Click* song 9. Baby Come Over by Samantha Mumba.
'Hmm, we'll try that out for a few days, not sure how
Jensen's will like it.'

*Click* song 10. Play by Jennifer Lopez. 'Hmm, we'll
test that one out too.'

*Click* song 11. The Night The Lights Went Out In
Georgia by Reba McIntire. 'More country, good karaoke
song, Jensen's should like it.'

11 songs picked by the luck of the draw. And add
Irresistable into it, that makes 12. Couple more
clicks of the mouse, and CD is burning. I let out a
yawn then turned back towards my bed. I plopped down
on it, and just stared out the window. The beautiful
Texas sky was a blanket of stars. Off in the distance,
I could see a star shining brighter than all the
others. 'That one' I told myself. 'Is my lucky star. I
said thank you to no one in particular, and closed my
eyes. I drifted off to sleep, more happier than I had
ever been before......

To be continued in Chapter 2