Date: Tue, 7 Nov 2006 21:12:12 -0800 (PST)
From: brittany martinez <you_r_always_in_my_heart_rmw@yahoo.com>
Subject: No One Knows The Real Me

This one is dedicated to my one true love Rodney, I miss you so much
babe. And if there is a god out there I will never understand why he had
to take you away from me the way he did. You are forever in my heart and
in my thoughts. I love you sweetheart.



A/N- Hello to all who actually take the time to read my work. Okay,
there's a few things that I would like to say about this particular
story. One, it's the first story I've ever written in first person, and
two, this is the first story that I'm actually going to make a huge
attempt at finishing because I love it so damn much! Anyways, I hope you
all enjoy reading no one knows the real me because believe me, I enjoyed
writing this.

  Summary- Nikolas Landian hasn't always had everything go exactly how
he planned it to. He didn't plan to be born the way he was to a father
who hates him with a passion. He didn't plan to have his mother die when
he was only seven and he diffidently didn't plan on living in a run down
apartment in New York City and being a heroin addict.  Now Nik has to
decide where exactly his priorities lie and if there is a chance at a
better life.

			 No One Knows The Real Me

				Chapter One

 "Things can only get as bad as you allow them to." I used to hear my
mother say that a lot to people. For the longest time I never quite
understood what it meant, but I do now. And in a way I find that it is
true. You're life can only get as bad as you allow it to, because if you
don't take control of your own life and try and put a stop to the bad
things than you have nobody else to blame but yourself. Than again, I
have no right to talk,

      I haven't exactly done anything to improve the conditions in which
I live and believe me, they're not the best. So call me a hypocrite if
you must, because I guess in a way I am. I have this whole idea of how
people should live their lives and yet the life I'm living, the one I
actually do have control over doesn't come anywhere close to meeting my
expectations. I guess it's pretty pathetic when you're in my situation,
I want to be a good person and set a good example for myself and yet I
still haven't quite figured out how.
    That's the hard part, the how. How do I become a better person? How
do I get myself out of the mess that I've gotten myself in to? How can I
live a normal life? How? Questions that I wonder that don't have an
answers. At least not answers that I myself can find. I've lived in a
crappy little one bedroom apartment in New York City that I barely manage
to afford for the past year and a half and absolutely nothing good has
come out of it. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure if it's
possible for any good to come out of life. In the eighteen years of my
life nothing has gone the way I wanted it to.
Believe me; I never would have guessed I'd be living in NYC, with no
friends, no family to turn to and no life. I had plans for my life; I was
going to make something out of myself. I was gonna go to college and
become an award-winning journalist, that was the plan. I diffidently
accomplished my goal in becoming someone ^Ö A worthless junkie who threw
his life away because he couldn't get a grip on life. That's something
that would without a doubt make my father proud. Not that it would be
much of a shock to him, he never though very highly of me.
    But to be completely honest, I blame him for the way I turned out.
Now I know blaming someone other than myself is a bit immature but it's
true. It's his fault. He never cared about me nor did he want me. I was
the child he never wanted and he resented me for simply existing. My
parents Adam and Kerri Landian had two children, Jake and I. My older
brother Jake was born right after they graduating high school, my
father's pride and joy. Then four years later I came into the picture. I
remember doing things with my father and Jake but I'm sure the only
reason I was ever included was because Mom made him take me too; not
because he wanted to. My father always treated me same as Jake when my
mom was around but the moment she wasn't he was a completely different
person. You can just imagine how bad things got after my mother passed
away. A week before my 7th birthday no less. One night while we were all
asleep her heart just simply stopped. I was devastated; my mom was always
there to protect me when Dad would get in his moods and start yelling at
me and calling me worthless. After we lost Mom, Dad started drinking,
heavily. First it was a 12-pack of beer a day, then two. Then that
switched to vodka, tequila and various other kinds of liquor. It was also
at this time that Jake and I began to get closer. At school when kids
would pick on me, because lets face it I was a dork back then, he was
always there to protect me. That's the kind of big brother he was.
   One of the things about living is a small town is that everybody knows
everyone, so when Jake started high school and started hanging out with
the popular crowd, kids knew not to mess with him ^Ö Or me for that
matter. Junior high was indeed the worst experience of my life; even
though kids at school knew who my brother was I was constantly being
teased and getting the crap beat out of me. I guess I can't really blame
them; I was this skinny little twig with dimples and braces ^Ö Hell, I
would kick my ass, but that's beyond the point. In eighth grade my days
of getting my ass kicked came to an end when I met my best friend Ryan.
Ryan was a year older than I was but in the same grade, he had just move
to Lincoln View from Chicago and was already friends with almost all of
the eighth graders at Clarkson Junior High. When kids gave me a hard
time, Ryan would deal with them for me. Now, don't think that because I
was constantly getting my ass kicked that I was weak ^Ö because I
wasn't. After living with my abusive father and having him constantly
kicking my ass as well you kind of automatically toughen up. I wasn't a
rat either, if someone was bothering me or kicked my ass I wouldn't run
off and  snitch them out, I dealt with it. Plain and simple.
      One thing I realized in eighth grade that would one day cause my
father to hate me even more than he already did was that I began noticing
my attraction to other guys. At first I figured it was probably just a
phase I was going through and that it was perfectly normal. But months
went by and nothing had changed, I had a huge crush on Ryan which I knew
I could never tell him because I might lose him as a friend forever and I
certainly couldn't tell anyone else about this or they might think I'm
crazy. I remember one day standing in front of the mirror looking at my
reflection wondering if people would tell that you were gay just by
looking at you. I didn't want to be gay; I had always heard people say
that homosexuals go to hell and that it's a sin. I didn't want to go to
hell^Å. I just wanted to be normal. It took me awhile before I could
finally accept the face that there was no changing who or what I am. But
I eventually did and felt a little better. The part that was killing me
and tearing me apart from the inside out was keeping it all a secret. I
had to tell someone or else I was going to go insane, but who could I
trust enough to keep my secret?
     Ryan? No^Å. I can't afford to lose his friendship if he freaked
out. Dad? Diffidently not, that would be signing a death wish. How about
Jake? He was my brother^Å. He always stood up for me; I could talk to him
about anything. I could trust Jake. One day after school while dad was at
work, thank god. I walked into the kitchen where Jake was sitting at the
table doing some of his geometry homework. I slowly slid into a seat
across from him and started fidgeting with the zipper of my sweater.
Ziiiip^Å.. ziiiip^Å..ziiiip  he looked up from his geometry book at me.
"Nik? Are you okay?" he asks setting down his pencil.
     No. "Yeah, I'm fine." I lie as I look down at the zipper and he
looks back down at the book. Ziiiip^Å.ziiiip^Åziiiip

He looks up at me again, his dark blue eyes glue to mine as he says,
"Are you sure? Is there something you want to talk about?"

Yes, there's something I really want to tell you. "I dunno." I answer
focusing me attention on him.

He clears his throat and closes the text book next to him. "Nikki, talk
to me^Å what's up?" he asks in his protective-older-brother tone.

I take a deep breath and took back down at the zipper. "I^Å.um^Å" I can
feel my heart pounding hard in my chest. I could come up with a lie if I
have to, I don't have to tell him the truth just yet^Å. Wait, yes I do.
This is my brother I'm talking about^Å how could I lie to him? I swallow
the huge lump in my throat and take another deep breathe. "I^ÅI'm
gay?" I didn't mean for it to come out sounding like a question but it
did. I hold my breath and wait for him to blow up but instead I hear him
let out a small laugh. I look up at him.

"That's all?" he says with a smile.

That's all? I think. I almost have a heart attack telling you that I'm
gay and you tell me that's all? I look at him in disbelief. "What do
you mean?"

"Little bro^Å I've known that for awhile, I was just waiting for you to
figure it out." He answers with a smile.

Wha-? Already knew? How? "How? I mean^Å how did you know?" I managed to
stutter.

"I don't know, I just kind of always known." He says standing up and
walking over to me.

"And you don't hate me?" I ask looking down at the wooden table.

He gives me this look like he's talking to some crazy person. "Hate
you? Nikki, how could I hate you? You're my little brother." He said
wrapping his arms around me. "Is that what you thought?"

"Yes^Å" I say slowly. I feel like a complete idiot as I lean into my
brother's arms, I feel like I could just start crying right then and
there.

He laughs quietly and says, "Don't ever worry about that, I could never
hate you."

I smile softly because my brother knows I'm gay and he doesn't hate me,
then my heart skips a beat. If Jake already knew^Å did that mean dad did
too? I look up at Jake. "D-Do you think dad knows?" I ask my voice
cracks really badly and it pisses me off.

"I don't think so." He answers giving me this god-I-hope-not look.
"Let's keep it that way for awhile okay?"

"Okay." I say. Letting my father find out was the last thing I wanted
right now.

To Be Continued....

Well that's all for now people. please e-mail with whatever feedback you
have, the good and the bad. The more feedback i get the quicker you'll
get another update. e-mail me at: you_r_always_in_my_heart_rmw@yahoo.com

Until next time, see ya!


When The People We Love Are Taken From Us, The Way To Have Them Live On
Is To Never Stop Loving Them... Buildings Burn, People Die... But Real
Love Is Forever... -The Crow