Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2006 20:40:21 -0800 (PST)
From: brittany martinez <you_r_always_in_my_heart_rmw@yahoo.com>
Subject: No One Knows the Real Me   chapter three

The strong smell of flowers was intoxicating; I sat there in the front
row of the funeral home, tearing a napkin apart in my lap. I can't hear
a single word Father Joseph was saying, I have too many things going
through my head at the moment. I keep my head down during most of the
service; every so often I feel my father's gaze on me. I can't look at
him -- I know he hates me, because of my stupidity my brother was gone. I
slowly gather enough strength to finally glance up from the torn up
napkin in my lap and up at the dark brown casket. I let out a heavy sigh;
I couldn't hold back my tears any longer -- I had stayed strong this
long. I took my brother's life -- At least that's how it feels; I
killed him. He had spent twenty years of his life protecting me and this
is how I repay him...
   
 I feel a hand on my shoulder; I turn my head slightly to see Ryan and my
other friend Kathy behind me. Its Kathy's hand that's on my shoulder,
Ryan has his face buried in his hands leaning against the back of my
chair, probably crying as well.  "Are you okay?" She whispers rubbing
the back of my neck.
   
 Of course I'm not okay, I feel like jumping off a bridge, why should I
be here when Jake's not? Of course I don't tell her any of this;
instead I just nod my head.  She forces a smile and tucks a strand of her
auburn colored hair behind her right ear. After the service, Ryan, Kathy
and I head down to the cemetery. She holds my hand the whole ride over
and as they lower my brother's casket into the ground. Ryan hasn't said
a single word to me which is understandable, he and Jake were close and
he wasn't taking this too well either. All of this just didn't feel
real -- I didn't want it to be real. I kept praying that this was all
just a very long, horrible nightmare. But it wasn't... as much as I
wanted it to be -- this was reality.
    
Kathy and Ryan stay with me until everyone had left. Including my father.
I sit there in silence wishing that it was me in that casket instead of
him. Kathy let out a soft sigh as she walks back over to me after talking
to Ryan for a couple of minutes. "Ryan and I think you should come and
stay the night with us tonight. We don't want you to be by yourself."
She said softly as she sat next to me smoothing the wrinkles out of her
knee length black dress.
 
"You think I should?" I ask looking up into her brown eyes and
wondering if it's a good idea or not.
 
"You don't need to be around your dad tonight; today's a hard enough
day for everyone as it is, especially for you, he'll just make the
situation worse." She says calmly taking my hand into hers.
 
Ryan wipes his eyes and walks over to me. "Yeah, come stay with us
tonight -- it'll make us feel better too knowing you're alright."
 
I think about it for a moment, did I really want to be around my dad
tonight? He'd probably be drunk and end up beating the crap out of me if
I was there. "Okay...yeah. I can't go home tonight."
 
"Alright buddy." Kathy said with a smile as she stands up and kisses me
on the cheek. "I love you Nik, and I am so sorry you have to go through
this."
 
I stare down at my hands. "Thanks."
 
She pat me gently on the shoulder before walking towards the front gate
of the cemetery. Ryan lets out a soft sigh as he takes the seat she had
been sitting in. "Nik..." he says softly looking down at the floor. I
look at him and wipe the tears from my eyes. "I am so sorry Nikki...I'm
gonna be here for you every step of the way okay? I'm gonna help you
through this."
 
I swallow the huge lump in my throat. "Y-you don't have to Ryan."
 
"Yes I do, I'm your best friend. I need to be here for you when you
need me the most -- and I know you need me now, whether you want to admit
it or not."
 
I can't help but smile -- even if it was a weak smile. I look into his
eyes, their red and swollen from crying; mine are probably just as bad --
or worse. He wipes my eyes with the back of his sleeve, then gently
caresses my cheek. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. Is it bad to
have such a huge crush on your best friend? Even though he's crying his
eyes out I can't help but to notice how handsome he is. Those Green eyes
and that naturally tanned colored skin.  Right when I'm sure my heart
can't beat any faster, it does as he leans close to me. A drop of sweat
run down the side of my face as all the muscles in my body tense up and
I'm glued right there in my seat.  The nearness of his breath makes my
heart jump in my throat and my mind grows hazy. I can't think.
 
  The next thing I know, I feel his warm lips on mine. I can taste the
saltiness of tears, I'm not sure if they're mine or his. Probably mine
since I can  feel tears running down my cheeks as he kisses me. And just
as quickly as it happened... it was over.  He pulls away and glances down
at the floor as if regretting what he had just done. I stare at him, not
sure if I should say something or keep my mouth shut.
 
   He clears his throat and looks at me guiltily. "I'm sorry; I
shouldn't have done that... I- I was out of place." He says as he stands
up and starts to walk away. Before I can decide whether to say something
to stop him or just let him walk away, I'm reaching out and grabbing him
arm.
 
"Wait." I say in almost a whisper, my eyes aren't on him; they're
focused on the floor. He stops and turns around to look me. I can feel
his gaze even though I'm not making eye contact with him.
 
"I'm sorry, you don't need this right now -- I'm a horrible friend."
He says, tears running down his face. I stand up and wrap my arms around
him; he leans into my arms and lets me hold him. I let him cry, I have no
idea what to say to him to make him feel better. I run my hands gently up
his back; he looks at me, his green eyes dark and full of tears. I had
never seen him like this; Ryan was always the strong one, not me. I want
to be able to stop all his tears -- to take away all his pain, but I have
to be able to deal with my own first. I want to kiss him again -- but
I'm not sure if it would be appropriate, so instead I remain where I am,
holding him in the middle of the cemetery.
 
                                      ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
I sat on top of the railing of the stairs in front of the apartment
complex watching. Just watching -- not at one fixed thing or anything.
Just watching as mothers walk their children to school or down to the
corner market. I'd give anything to have had my mother in my life
longer; I envy the children in my neighborhood who have caring parents.
Because I never did. I look up at the sky; it's nearly ten and theirs
not a single hint of light from the sun. The clouds above are thick and
grey, threatening to start raining at any moment. It's not that cold out
right now -- a bit windy, but the sweater I'm wearing is warm enough.
It's finally Friday -- Tonight I'll go down to "The avenue club" like
I do every other weekend and meet up with Paul and Laura. Two of my
so-called-friends. I look down at the concrete below before jumping down
off the railing and landing on my feet.
 
I turn back towards the front door of the apartment and walk in. I hate
my apartment complex -- the whole building reeks like someone or
something died. It also has this weird moldy smell that's worse at night
than in the day, and the fact that the building is in an alley so it's
dimly lit and constantly freezing doesn't help much. I walk up the
stairs, half of them creek really loud. I get to my apartment, 3B, unlock
the door and go inside. My apartment is really sad -- and every time I
walk through that door I remind myself how sad it is. All I have here is
a bed, my dresser and the CD player. It's a tiny apartment, but most of
it is empty space.
 
Later that night, I stand in the bathroom looking at my reflection. I'm
wearing blue jeans and a black shirt with the words "shout it out"
written across in red. I have on fingerless gloves which aren't going to
protect my hands very much from the freezing cold, but I don't care. I
look up into the mirror, my eyes aren't as blood shot as they were
before, but my skin is pale, maybe a little too pale. I can see all the
veins in my arms. I lookdown at the scissors in my hand before slowly
rolling up the sleeve of my left arm. I take a deep breath and look into
my eyes through my reflection as the cold blade of the scissors presses
deep against my forearm. I bite hard into my lip as I feel it tear
gradually into my flesh; a sharp pain shoots throughout my arm making me
wince as the scissors cut a 4 inch long slash on my forearm. A moment
later I can feel the warmth of blood drip down my arm. I look at the cut,
it's pretty deep, the blood flows steadily down to my finger tip before
dripping down on to the wooden floor. But I'm not finish yet; I place
the blade against another section of my arm and slice another cut just as
deep across the first one. I bite harder into my bottom lip and watch as
more blood pools down on to the floor and all over the scissors. The next
thing I knew, I could taste blood. Thick and sweet in my mouth. I look
slowly up into my mirror and raise a hand to touch my lip; I must have
bitten it so hard I had drawn blood.  I drop the scissors and fall on to
the floor, my back to the wall. My cut arm held out so the blood doesn't
get on my clothes.
 
Cutting was another problem of mine, I liked to feel the pain. It was the
only way of me proving to myself that I'm alive. That I am able to feel
pain. That's why I do it, it gives you that bit of relief when that
blade cuts into your flesh and the blood begins to collect before
tricking down your arm. I reach above me for a towel and wipe the blood
off of my arm then force myself to my feet. I turn the faucet on and
clean my arm, then pull my long sleeves over the cuts.
 
At 11:45, I finally get down to the club. Paul and Laura are waiting for
me outside. Paul sees me first and waves me over; I quicken my pace and
walk over to them. Paul smiles at me and hands me my fake I.D. He's
twenty four, but he looks older. His light colored hair and the way and
eyes just give him this older look. "Hey Nikki, how are you?" he asks
as he pats me on the shoulder.
 
"I'm alright I guess." I answer as I put my hands in my pockets.
 
"That's good." He says looking at Laura.
 
"Shall we?" Laura asks pushing her shoulder length blonde hair out of
her face and pointing towards a small building where the sound of loud
rock music is coming from.
 
I only nod. "Yeah lets." Paul says as he takes Laura's hand and starts
walking towards the club. I stand there for a few seconds debating
whether I really want to go tonight; I don't really feel up to it
anymore.
 
Paul looks over his shoulder at me. "Hey Nik, You comin'?" he shouts.
 
I let out a sigh and run after them, yeah sure why not. What's the worst
that can happen? Inside the club, the music is blasting. There must be at
least a hundred people packed into the small corner building. The smell
of marijuana smoke, alcohol and cheap perfume is strong. I sit at a table
near the wall and look around at the huge number of people there. This
club draws all different types of people to it. Homosexuals,
cross-dresser, bisexuals, trisexuals, transgender, heterosexuals,
druggie, drug dealers, prostitutes, you name it. I lean my chair against
the wall, I really don't want to be here but I don't want to go home
either. So where else does that leave me? I guess I'm stuck here now
aren't I?
 
"Do you want something to drink?" Laura shouts at me over the noise,
 
"No thanks, I'm good." I answer back. I don't drink much at all, so
what the point in doing it now?
 
Two o'clock, I've been here two hours and I haven't moved from my
corner table. The crowd here is starting to decline. I lean my head back
against the wall and close my eyes. Laura and Paul ditched me like they
normally do.
 
"Nik?" says a voice that founds familiar but I can't really match it.
I open my eyes to find a blonde haired guy with green eyes standing in
front of me.
 
"Ryan?" I say in disbelief.
 
"Hey, how are you?" he says sitting in the seat beside me.
 
"I'm aright, yourself?" I ask, god it had been so long since I had
spoken to him. And he really had changed, in ways that not even from a
far I would have noticed.
 
"I've been okay, going to school and all. God, I `m glad to see
you're okay. I thought something bad might have happened to you after
your father threw you out and all."
 
I shrugged, "Couldn't get any worse." I say trying not to make eye
contact with him.
 
"What's that supposed to mean?" He says in that voice I knew
oh-to-well. The protective voice him and my brother had.
 
"It means that my life is pretty much as bad as it could possibly get."
I answer finally looking at him. Looking into those gorgeous green eyes.
 
"You look okay, is there something you're not telling me?" yes,
actually there is. Your best friend is a morphine addict -- that's what
I wanted to say, just come clean but how could I? What if that made him
leave, what if he didn't want anything to do with me anymore if I told
him the truth.
 
"Just forget it." I say leaning back in my chair.
 
Ryan looks at me, trying to read me I guess. "No, I'm not going to just
forget it Nik. You're my best friend. Or are you going to throw our
friendship away?"
 
I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I let out a heavy
sigh and cross my arms over my chest. "It's nothing, really."
 
"I don't believe you." Ryan says rising to his feet and standing in
front of me. "Let's go outside and talk, it's too loud in here. How
could I argue with him? After all, he was my best friend --the only
person I could really trust... maybe he could help me. I stand up as well
and follow him out of the club and into an alley. "Now talk, what's
up?"
 
"I already told you, it's nothing." I answer. Why won't he just drop
it?
 
He grabs on to my arm. "Nik, how am I supposed to help you if you won't
tell me what's bothering you?" he asks looking deep into my eyes. I can
feel his arm tightening around my arm so I can't pull away. I can feel
pain shooting my arm as his hand squeezes over my cuts. I squeeze my eyes
shut trying to block of the pain, but I can't. I try to pull away but he
only tightens his grip. Fuck -- I never would have guessed he was so
strong.
 
"L-let go of my a-arm..." I manage to stutter.
 
"Not until you talk to me." He answers; I can hear the seriousness in
his voice.
 
Fine.... I'll tell him. "Okay, alright... I'll tell you. Just please...
let go of my arm." I answer trying to pull away but he doesn't let go.
 
"Promise you'll talk?" he asks.
 
"Yes, I promise." Damn it, it hurts so badly and he keeps making it
worse.
 
He looks at me and as though he could read the pain in my face he lets go
but quickly rolls up my sleeve exposing the cuts across my forearm. "Nik
what the hell is this?" he asks holding my arm, not as tight as before.
 
"It's nothing." I say pulling my arm from him and rubbing it.
 
"Hell it that's nothing. Are you trying to kill yourself?" he asks me.
It amazes me so much that someone actually cares this much about me, but
at the same time it pisses me off because this is my life and I'll do
what I want with it.
 
"No, if I wanted to commit suicide I'd have done it a long time ago."
I tell him as I lean against the cold brick wall. It's true; if I wanted
to end my life I would have done it by now.
 
"Then what the hell is up Nik, Why are you doing this to yourself?"
 
I look at him; he looks so concerned that I can't lie to him. I can't
keep anything from him anymore. "I've gotten into some pretty bad
things." I say slowly looking down at the floor.
 
"What do you mean Nik? Like.... Money problems, like gambling? Are you in
debt or something?"
 
I let out a heavy sigh, "No.... nothing like that... I -- I have a drug
problem..." there I finally said it. I expected him to continue yelling
at me, to chew me out for being stupid. But instead he walks over to me
and wraps his arms around me.
 
"Nikki.... Why didn't you come to me? You know I would have helped
you." He said, I can feel his warmth, it felt so good to be in his arms
like this... to be in anyone's arms who actually cared for me.
 
"I didn't want to bother you with my problems." I say turning to look
at him. "I've been doing that since I met you."
 
"It doesn't bother me Nik; I'm your best friend. You should trust me
with these kinds of things."
 
"I never said I didn't trust you." I say as I look down at my arm,
gently tracing the cuts with my fingers.  Even though Ryan and I hadn't
spoken for a year that didn't mean I didn't trust him -- I did.
 
"Do you want to get help? Do you want to quit? Tell me Nik and I'll
help you." I hear his foot steps move closer to me but I can't look at
him. I'm too afraid.  I can feel my whole body shaking.
 
"I don't know.... I want to get help.... But I don't know if I can..." I
say, looking down at the asphalt.
 
"They have programs Nik, they can help you."
 
I'm not going to some stupid rehab."  I snap as I turn to look at him.
 
"That's not what I meant. They're just groups, and they give you
support along the way. Please Nik, I don't want to see anything bad
happen to you. Please." He looks like he's about to cry.
 
I slowly walk over to him and wrap my arms around him. "Okay... I'll get
help...." I say, burring my head into his chest. I feel his arms wrap
around me, I'm shaking so badly. He places his hand on the back of my
head and runs his fingers through my hair.
 
"Everything's going to be alright... I promise Nik. We're going to get
you better." He holds me tighter. He smells so good. It's been such a
long time since I've felt like someone actually wanted to help me... that
someone cared. I could feel tears running down the sides of my face.
Finally, I wasn't alone anymore.
 
 
Hello again everyone, here is the site to my new group- please leave me
comments i'd love to know what you all think.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/prisoneroffate/



When The People We Love Are Taken From Us, The Way To Have Them Live On
Is To Never Stop Loving Them... Buildings Burn, People Die... But Real
Love Is Forever... -The Crow