Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 20:45:52 -0600
From: Drew Filchak <dfilchak@qwest.net>
Subject: Attitudes: The Reservations Series
**** Thanks to Tim and Patrick for the great beta-reads. I couldn't
do it without you guys. If not dinner as a thank you, how about
something more oral?
**** And special thanks to my ultimate love for suggesting I take my
laptop to Mexico with us. He is my true heart.
Attitudes
A Continuation of the Reservations Series
By Drew Filchak
"Did that really happen, Joel? I mean, did he actually come to
us?"
"You may be the emotional one between the two of us, but ...
yes, that really happened. He did come in and actually speak to us.
He even let me pull him into a hug. I'm mean, Blair ... he needed to
touch your tears and stop you from crying for him and, god, his body
trembled at my touch, but he let us hug him. Maybe we aren't so
crazy to think that we're doing something right here."
"All I know," I said as we moved together into the center of our
bed, "is that after all of the shit that's happened between us with
the boys, I need you more now than I've ever needed you before. And
... I need you a number of times in a row ... without question or
explanation."
"I'm your man, lover. You can have me as many times as you need
me. But you need sleep. It's been a hell of a day. Still, I ... I
think I understand."
The sudden quiet, expectant and mocked by the previous moment's
intensity, continued to fill the room. Our stilled breath helped to
suspend the moment as we teetered on the edge of release. Joel's
rich, brown eyes, locked and utterly focused on mine, begged for
consummation as they flared brightly then darkened with lust and
paused desire. His full lips pulled back trembling with self-imposed
control.
"Do it." My guttural command broke the silence, hissed through
a clenched shudder of prolonged sexual desire. His slender hips
trembled between my widespread legs. "Do it. Now!"
His lips stretched upward in a satisfied, commanding smile then
dropped once again as his mouth opened, then turned to bite the firm
muscle of my calf. His slender butt clenched once, and as he sank
his teeth into my leg, drove his hips downward -- masterfully
spearing the hardened knot at the very center of my aching need.
A growl escaped from deep within him, combining with my
unintelligible moan. His hips retracted then plunged the rigid shaft
forward again, repeatedly slamming past my inflamed nut and causing
my eyes to roll back, giving way to senseless and unseeing, unknowing
pleasure.
My fists, held firmly above my head, clenched tightly as I
fought against the restraint of his unyielding grasp. In a lust-
driven response, my own hips arched upward in desire and surrender.
My testicles contracted and launched their essence explosively onto
my stomach and chest where it combined with the pooled sweat. His
lips muffled my guttural scream as they smothered my mouth; his
tongue, a second spear-like invader.
Muted cries filled the room as he slammed one final time against
my hot, reddened buttocks, reaching deeper than ever before. In
shared, simultaneous release he emptied a second, blazing offering
into my depths then collapsed against my panting, semen covered
chest.
Strong, muscled arms enveloped me as our tongues continued their
lovemaking. Finally pulling from my warm and wet depths, he stared
into my soul. My eyes clenched shut once then opened, again
projecting the insatiable lust and need which gnawed at me.
"Again. Do it again, Joel. Please ." I begged. "I need it .
one more time."
Joel stared at me, his eyes searching. "You'll have to give me
some recharge time, love. What's this about?"
"Can I tell you later?" Now wasn't the time to talk about the
need that consumed me -- I couldn't talk about it right now. I
simply needed it met and Joel had the cock to satisfy me. I rolled
around and grasped his hips and buttocks, feeling the strength
contained in his wiry form. I needed to touch his body, his strength
-- now more than ever before. I buried my face between his legs and
lost myself in his musky, sexual scent. I needed to block everything
out, remove myself from the intensity that the past few days had
thrown at us. And in doing so, I hoped to remove the doubts that
lingered even after repeated confirmation and assurance from not only
Joel, but also myself that I was doing the right thing. I was doing
what I needed to do, even though I felt like I was outside of myself,
outside of what was normal and natural for me.
I growled into the cavern created by his spread legs and
attacked it with raw lust, burying my face. I savored his most
private scent and hungrily blasted past his minimally resisting
barrier.
"Now you're talking, stud. It's your turn. I've put out twice,
now it's time for payback. I need it as badly as you do." His voice
strained lustfully as I felt his organ expand to its full, thick form
in my grasp.
I buried myself into his dark crevice, hoping that I could
quench the burning need for normalcy with the passion his
capitulation offered me.
Later, he pulled me into his arms even though I wanted nothing
more than to remain seated, forever buried between his legs . and at
the same time, I wanted to throw my shoes on and run until I was
exhausted. Forget about the fact that it was midnight and that I'd
had an hour and a half of sleep in the past forty some hours, I
needed to move.
"Blair." His voice lurched into my thoughts, invading me with
its jarring tone. In reality, he spoke softly.
I refused to look at him. I didn't want talk. Not now. I
needed to keep going and I allowed my hand to speak for me. It
touched his lips while I studied the valley of hair between his
reddened, puffy nipples. His delight, realized over the past month,
of just how sensitive and erotic his nipples were, charged me earlier
to work them hard with my teeth as I pounded into him. I gave him
what he obviously wanted, not that I'd had much choice -- his hands
had pressed me forcefully against his chest demanding more.
"Blair." I couldn't ignore him this time.
"What?"
"You're exhausted and wired. I see it in your eyes. You're
actually trembling with the need for sleep. We both needed a good
fucking, but you gotta let me in. What's upsetting you so much?"
How was I supposed to explain it to him? How could I even share
the thoughts that were blasting through my mind? I wanted the boys
to go away, to not be our responsibility while at the same time, I
wanted to take them into my arms and hold them close to me -- protect
them. With the first part of that thought came shame.
"I'm going to Chicago on Thursday when you're skiing with the
boys."
"You don't need to do that, Blair. You know that."
"Are you telling me not too?"
His eyes narrowed in surprise. "You know I'm not. So don't try
and put that out there. Now, what gives? The truth, Blair."
"What gives, Joel? I'll tell you what gives." The strain in my
voice gave way to a sudden, flaring anger. "I'm tired beyond belief
and I don't see any end to the ongoing need these boys have. The
whole romantic notion that we can make a difference and settle into a
life of happy, queer parenthood is a bunch of crap."
I pushed away from his chest and swung my legs off the bed. "I
was all up for the whirlwind romance that seemed to come with just
being around you, but Christ, Joel . suddenly we have a whole fucking
family. And tonight before Mau came in, when I was blubbering into
your crotch, I just wanted to open your zipper and suck you off, even
though I was crying like a baby. It's stupid, I know, but I feel
like now we can't even kiss in front of them because we have to set a
good example. And . after everything today, my heart broke into a
million fucking pieces when Mau spoke to us. I don't know how much
more I can take of this constant fucking emotional roller coaster."
"So . I don't understand. Are you saying that I haven't been
giving you enough attention?"
My snort, full of disdain and sarcasm, caused him to flinch.
"Yeah, Joel. That's it."
I pushed off the bed and slipped into my discarded briefs, then
headed for the door.
"Blair, don't leave. Please. Come back to bed."
I ran my fingers through my hair and left the bedroom. I
stopped outside of Megan's room and thought about crashing in there,
but couldn't bring myself to breach the sanctuary it offered.
Instead, I went to the study and grabbed the blanket I used to cover
Cody with this morning.
"Well, Blair," I muttered to myself angrily. "You fucked that
up just fine all by yourself."
* * * *
The sound of my shoes striking the pavement in regular rhythm
calmed me. My thoughts quieted, unwillingly. Constant reminders
though, were needed to quell my spinning deliberations into
complacent stillness. The six hours of sleep helped to calm me also.
'Can I go with you?' I couldn't stop hearing Ben's question nor
stop myself from seeing the look of hurt in his eyes when I told him
that I just needed a long, quiet run by myself. If I hadn't stopped
to leave a note for Joel explaining that I was out running, I would
have been able to slip from the apartment before Ben had made his
morning appearance. But after the way I'd selfishly ignored Joel's
plea to come back to bed, I needed to minimize any further damage on
that front. In the end, I'd hurt Ben also.
'Christ!' I just couldn't win. Not at the moment, anyway. I
promised Ben a run later in the afternoon and then ducked out the
door, shame nearly stopping me as I reached for the elevator call
button. I wasn't sure what the answer was to all of the angst I
felt, but I knew I'd only be postponing its resolution if Ben had
joined me. I needed to think or maybe just time to feel stuff in
order to understand why I'd become so upset last night.
I crossed Broadway and headed down 19th towards the park. My
internal fight for peaceful solitude was over. I had lost. I needed
to find my mental bearings and the memory of Hank telling me to share
my thoughts with Joel in the hope of working through the ambiguous
feelings I had, seemed like good advice. But it sure as hell wasn't
going to do shit about helping me work around the tremendous sense of
pending loss of my own identity.
I didn't feel like myself anymore.
The last time I'd had feelings that were even close to what I
now felt, was after I'd spent three months in a relationship with a
jerk named Don. That had been twenty years ago. He'd been a
manipulator from the start. He constantly manipulated people
intentionally, though not that I realized it at the time. But I'd
ventured down some pretty dark paths during those three months, paths
filled with questions about my previously, very clear direction in
life. Luckily, I'd come to my senses and ended it before the forming
patterns of self-doubt took hold. I'd been very close to just giving
myself over to whatever Don wanted . and that just wasn't me. It
wasn't in my makeup. But Don had expected it.
'You know Joel doesn't want that.'
The thought stopped me in mid-stride.
'He's never given me the slightest hint that he wants me to be
anything but myself.'
I walked a few paces as the truth contained in my realization
sank in. And following the realization was the question of where my
new martyr attitude had come from. I never feel like a victim. It
wasn't in my nature.
'But you've sure been acting like one! Fuck! What an ass.'
And now I'd hurt both Joel and Ben with my victim mentality. I hit
my forehead repeatedly with the palm of my hand trying to knock some
sense back into my thoughts. I had to make it up to both of them and
at the same time, I had to figure out why I kept feeling as if I
wasn't in control of my actions or my feelings -- or myself.
I looked around to see how far from the apartment I was and
realized that I could easily go back and see if Ben still wanted to
join me. I turned to begin my ten-block jog back to the building
then stopped. Ben stood on the far corner behind me, his chest
heaving with the obvious exertion he'd expended in trying to catch up
to me. My face broke into a wide smile as I moved to the curb.
"You following me, punk? You don't have a knife on you this
time, do you?"
His wary, worried look at being caught following me slowly
dropped as a grin raised his lips. "No way, gay boy. Don't need no
blade. I got the Fu Man to show me a few moves."
I laughed and headed towards his corner. "You're huffing and
puffing pretty badly for someone that's supposedly been 'running all
over the city'. What? Are you living the easy life now?"
"Yeah. I got me some sweet sugar daddies now, man." His
eyebrows rose once in play.
I stopped as I reached his corner. "I was just heading back to
the apartment to get you, Ben. I'm sorry I just left you there. I
was wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself and I took it out on you."
He shrugged. "That's cool. I figured it was something."
I shook my head. "Well, it's not cool. I shouldn't have given
you the attitude."
He shrugged again then grinned. "You're worried about giving me
attitude? Why? I figured it was just payback for all the 'tude I've
given you."
"That's not the way it should work, bud. I'll admit that bad
moods do happen. It's a pretty normal part of being human, but
taking them out on someone else or trying to even a score in payback
is petty. I'm sorry for making you think that's what I was doing.
You've been nothing but a great kid since I met you."
Ben snorted. "Yeah, right. I pulled a knife on you, Blair."
His blue eyes scanned the pavement then looked back at me, the
morning light enhancing the azure the color of his eyes, making them
iridescent. All he's going to need to do in the future to win
somebody's heart is to look their way and smile.
"Okay," I grinned. "Since the point after that, you've been a
great kid. The way you take care of things for your boys, always
looking after them, it makes my heart fill with pride."
The look coming back at me narrowed as he tried to hold in his
pleasure at my words. "Pride, huh?"
I nodded. "I am proud of you, Ben. After everything you've
been through, you've somehow held your shit together and haven't let
yourself get bitter. It makes me want to hug you tightly and tell
you over and over what a great kid you are."
The grin he was trying to hold back surfaced. "That'd be all
right."
I smiled broadly and reached to pull him to me, but he jumped
back and quickly looked around.
"Not here, man. Damn. Someone will see us and think I'm one of
those wiggly boys."
I laughed loudly. "Sorry, pup. I forgot where I was."
"No shit. That just ain't cool in public." He said with a grin
and a roll of his eyes. I clapped him on the shoulder and gave his
neck a light squeeze then pulled him into the street.
"You still want to run with me?"
"Yeah, duh. I'm not out here for my health you know." Another
grin, another roll of his eyes.
Laughing, I took off. "Well, try and keep up, pup."
After completing a circuit around the golf course, zoo and the
east side of the park, we slowed to a walk as we approached 17th and
Adams. We'd both worked up a sweat and the slight chill in the air
helped to cool us down as we walked toward my house.
"What do you think about living over here, Ben? I noticed when
we were here on Monday that you got pretty quiet."
I thought that all I was going to receive in response was his
trademark shrug, but eventually he replied. "It'll be okay, I guess.
Your house is down and all."
"Huh. I sense a 'but' in your voice. Am I right? But, what?"
I looked over at him as we walked and saw him turn his gaze from the
sidewalk to the street once quickly. He shrugged.
"Bill is cool and all. We all like him, but . I don't know.
You and the Fu Man won't be there and we won't be able to run
together and . you know."
I laid my arm across his shoulder as we walked. "I know, bud.
I've been thinking about the same thing. But the apartment just
can't fit us all and we travel so much."
"I know." He shrugged under my arm. "I wish I could go with
you."
I pulled him to me briefly as we walked. "Me too. But, will
you give living with Bill an honest try, Ben? For me?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Thanks."
The comfortable feeling between us warmed me inside and I was
thankful. It felt like my earlier transgression has dissipated to
memory and my thoughts switched to Mau. "Did you guys talk any with
Mau last night?"
"Not much. Cody and Chris tried, but they could tell that Mau
wasn't in the mood."
"You know, he came into the study last night when Joel and I
were on the couch. I was pretty much a mess with all that had
happened and he, uh, actually talked with us."
Ben stopped walking and turned to look at me. His face scanned
mine as his eyes opened widely in surprise. "You shittin' me?"
"Nope. And by the way, nice language there, pup. You really
should try and clean it up a little." I smirked. He rolled his eyes
up once.
"What'd he say?"
I smiled wryly. "He told the Fu Man to not let me cry for him.
Like I said, I was kind of a mess and then he touched Joel's arm and
then my face and told me not to cry. He even let Joel put his arm
around his waist and hug him. Joel talked to him a little bit about
if the test results came back positive again on Friday that he didn't
want Mau to worry about anything. And then I told him that with all
the different treatments now and the meds they've developed that
there was no reason why he couldn't do whatever he wanted with his
life."
"That's rad, Blair!" His face brightened excitedly. "I can't
believe he talked to you. So fuc . so cool! Chris said some of the
same things to him and he also told him that you and the Fu Man would
help him out."
I nodded. "I'll have to thank Chris for that. We kind of
dropped the ball when we spoke to all of you with telling him not to
worry. But he smiled at us and said 'okay' and 'thanks'. He even
let me hold his hand as we talked with him. And he let me hug him.
He's such a great kid. All of you are."
He shook his head and grinned. "You gotta stop saying that or
else I'm gonna start believing it."
I laughed. "Well we can't have that now, can we?" He grinned.
"So . how are you doing with the whole Mauricio thing? It kind of
got lost in the all of yesterday's drama."
His grin faded. "I don't know. Ranus told Cleats about some of
the stuff that Mauricio did with the Brood for Ice and even though it
sucks, he kind of did it to himself. Ranus said that he knew that
Mauricio didn't do any of the drugs so it was either Ice or one of
the fucks that work for him that shot him up. Cleats said the cops
didn't take him seriously which sucks major dick."
I nodded as I absorbed his words. "I'll have Joel talk with
Cleats and then maybe he'll talk with the Police Chief. People in
this city take Joel pretty seriously."
Ben grinned. "He's so fuckin' cool, Blair. He's got everyone
kissin' his butt and the thing is, he's so cool about it."
"Yeah, he is," I replied as my eyes darkened at the thought of
my actions last night. I waved my hand and nodded towards my house.
"Let's go see if Mikey will have anything to do with me. Besides, I
need to call Joel and do a little butt-kissing myself."
The progress on the house was nothing short of miraculous. A
new entrance to the attic had been cut into the ceiling above the
upstairs landing and rough planking littered the open rafters.
Framing for low walls stood in place with bare electrical and phone
wire run through it. The frame for the new bathroom walls was also
in place. I shook my head in surprise at the realization that all of
this had been completed in two days. Maybe Paul's completion date of
the end of next week might be feasible.
The carpet in the three, second floor bedrooms had been removed
and I noticed the trim and molding around the window and floorboards
had been taped off for painting. The stove in the kitchen had been
removed along with the refrigerator. Joel was planning for a six-
burner stove and a considerably larger fridge. The remaining
furniture on the first floor lay beneath white sheets for protection
from any construction dust.
We found Mikey in his basket next to the sofa. Surprisingly, he
allowed me to hold him for an ear rub before he pulled from my touch
and ran to his bowl in the kitchen. As Ben mixed the cat food, I
made a pot of coffee and looked at the clock. It was already seven
and I knew that Joel would be awake.
His slightly chilly greeting left me fully aware of his upset.
"I take it you have Ben with you?" He asked. No 'good morning,
lover' or 'hello'.
"Yeah. He followed me."
"That's what I figured when I saw his 'me too' on the note you
left me." A slight pause followed his words. "So where's your head
at this morning, Blair? It was pretty clear last night that you are
thinking about throwing in the towel on us."
I cringed at his words. I couldn't blame him for thinking that
after my explosion the night before. I didn't want to end anything,
but I needed to find a balance place in the middle of the seeming
chaos.
"So I take it by your silence that you're still thinking about
it." Joel's voice had hardened even though it was softer now than at
first.
"No, Joel. I'm not still thinking about it. I was just a
little out of my mind and the sleep helped to settle me down." I
wandered to the back patio as we talked and stood looking at the long
grass in desperate need of a serious mowing. "I need to apologize to
you."
Joel interrupted me. "I don't need your apology, Joel. I need
to know if we are still viable as a couple. You just left me last
night."
"I know. I'm sorry. I needed to get out of the bedroom."
"Well it made me feel like I had screwed something up. Maybe I
did. I'm not the best at this relationship stuff, but you left
before I could figure out what was really wrong."
"You were right. I was wired and more than a little bit off
balance, which I seem to have been for a while now. Hank told me I
should talk to you about it and not try and go it alone. There just
hasn't been a chance."
Silence met my statement and I wondered what Joel was thinking.
"Joel?"
"You talked to Hank about us? When?" His voice threatened
anger, but remained quiet.
"No. It wasn't like that. He read my face Monday morning and
then proceeded to tell me exactly what I was feeling, including being
more than a little overwhelmed by you. He also said that even though
he doesn't know you well at all, that he felt the best thing was for
me to share what I was feeling with you and to see if I could get a
little perspective from you on how to deal with everything coming so
fast."
"Huh."
"Yeah. That's what I said, but then the day was another
whirlwind with the shopping and the judge and then Ranus' phone call
and everything that happened yesterday. There just wasn't time,
Joel, so it came pouring out of me last night all garbled up and I
needed to remove myself before I really lost it."
The question formed in my mind about just how two people, who
had successfully made their marks on the business world, could have
failed so completely with their personal communication. Part of me
wanted to say that I was the one who had failed, but it wasn't the
whole truth. We both had spent the past five or six days enmeshed in
the drama that our fateful encounter with Ben had prompted, and
during which time, we each had independently flown by the seat of our
separate pants. It was suddenly very clear to me.
"I'm sorry again, Joel. We haven't done a very good job of
communicating with each other. And I'm extremely sorry I led you to
believe that I wanted to end anything. I wouldn't want to even try
to go on without you. You're my Arthur and while there is no
Gwenivere between us, there are now the boys. I love you so much,
Joel." And I did, I knew it was true without a single reservation.
"Please believe me when I tell you, with my whole heart, that I want
to be your Lancelot for good, forever . but there are times when you
move so fast and so decisively that I just need a few moments to
catch up."
"God, Blair ." his voice trembled with released emotion, then
fell silent.
I stood on the deck with the phone to my ear and waited. Just
his presence on the other end of the line was enough for me in the
moment. I felt spent of all emotion in that second before he spoke
again. In the month or more that we'd been together, our connection
had been constant. And over the past seven hours since I'd left him
in the bedroom, I'd felt disconnected from him, my Arthur.
And I'd hated it.
Quietly, I heard his voice in my ear. "What are your plans now,
my love?"
My heart melted, soft and malleable like putty on a knife, at
his words. "No plans, Lover. We just got here and I left Ben to
feed Mikey while I called you. I'm out on the deck looking at the
jungle of a yard I have. I think I'm going to mow it quickly and
then I'd thought I'd take Ben over to Goodfriends for some breakfast.
That is, if I have some cash here at the house. I left without my
wallet."
"I see," he replied. "Would you mind putting Ben on the phone
for a second, babe?"
I shrugged to myself in surprise. "No, hold on."
I took the phone into Ben and then returned to the porch.
Thirty seconds later, Ben joined me.
"The Fu Man's on his way over. He wants to help you mow your
lawn and then join you for breakfast. I'm gonna head back to the
apartment so you can have time to kiss and make up. You know, suck
face."
I looked at the grin on his face in surprise. "What?"
"The 'suck face' was Joel's words, not mine. He said he needs
some time alone with his stud."
"He did not say that, Ben. You're making it up."
He shrugged while his grin narrowed. "Believe what you will.
I'm just the messenger. Besides, I'm hungry and you don't have
anything to eat except cat food, so I'm gonna run back to home and
get some food."
While the thought of Joel and me mowing the yard together
sounded wonderful, I didn't want Ben to think we were in effect,
sending him to 'go play in the street' while the adults got some
nookie. Inwardly though, I reveled at his calling the apartment
'home'.
"Why don't I call you a cab? My car's not here or else I'd run
you home."
He shook his head and then rolled his eyes. "It's cool, Blair.
I'll just run back there. I need to build up some stamina if I'm
gonna keep up with you. Today was a long run and you didn't even
break a sweat."
Mikey darted through his cat door and joined us as he rubbed
against Ben.
"I wonder what he thinks of all of this construction noise?"
His question hit me deep in my guilt center. I'd wondered the
same thing as I saw the extent of the upstairs construction project.
"I bet he doesn't like it one bit," I said.
"So let's bring him to the apartment until it's done with. That
won't freak him out too badly will it?"
I nodded. "Yeah, it will, but I think this is probably worse.
We'll bring him back with us after we finish here."
"Good. It'll probably help to save your relationship. If I
were him, I'd be pissed."
I grinned and nodded again. "Well, it's obvious that he's
pissed. Maybe you and the rest of the guys can help to make him feel
at home."
His grin and an exaggerated roll of his eyes prefaced his reply.
"Someone's gotta."
* * * *
Mikey was a hit with the boys. He even curled up in the center
of Ben's bed within an hour of being at the apartment. My guilt
swelled at my actions of keeping him at the house, even with the
honest consideration of it being the best for him. He was a people
cat and I'd forgotten how much he loved being around someone to give
him attention. Now there were seven additional people to do the
honor.
The quiet in the apartment unsettled me a little when we arrived
home from breakfast. We found Mau in the media room entertaining
himself in front of a video game, his cell phone clipped neatly to
the waistband of his jeans. Timmy lay on the couch with his face
buried in another book. Mau waved and gave us a bright smile when we
said hello and Timmy said with all seriousness without bothering to
look up, that he was going to be a pilot for the airlines when he
grew up.
Joel grinned. "Do you want to fly a 747, Tim? That's quite a
lot of plane, you know."
Timmy nodded and gave Joel a quick smile. "But I have to start
on something smaller first so I can get my pilot's license."
"Well, you know, Tim, I have a four-seater plane. Maybe we'll
have to go up flying one of these days."
My head turned with a jerk to look at Joel in surprise at the
same time that Timmy and Mau gave him their full attention; wide-eyed
and open mouthed.
"Really, Fu Man?!" Timmy's voice was filled with excitement.
"You have a plane? Are you a pilot?"
Joel nodded enthusiastically. I watched as Mau set down the
game controller and stood up facing us. Timmy launched from the
couch and hurried in our direction with his book opened. Joel
continued. "I take it you guys would like that, huh?"
Surprisingly, the first reply to come from the two boys was from
Mau. "Yes," he said grinning and nodding his head.
Timmy didn't notice Mau's response due to his own excitement.
"Is it a plane like one of these?" He asked holding the book for
Joel to see.
Joel gave Mau a wink and a quick nod of affirmation then turned
to look at the picture Timmy held before him. Mau looked from Joel
to me and I raised my eyebrows excitedly as his face erupted with the
largest smile I'd seen from him in the last five days. His sudden
excitement caused the haunted look that I'd become accustomed to
seeing, to fade from his eyes briefly. His face radiated excitement
and happiness and the sight nearly took my breath from me.
I heard Joel continue with Timmy. "No. It's not one of those,
it's .," he paused as he flipped a few pages forward in the book.
"It's one of these. A Beechcraft. Not too big, but she purrs like a
contented lion after a feeding when she's up in the air doing her
thing."
"Wow." Timmy's excitement and awe spilled forth. "Can we go
flying today, Joel?" His blue eyes stared up at Joel expectantly.
Joel grinned. "Not today, sport. How about on Friday?" He
gave me a quick, sideways look. "I got my boyfriend over there to
promise to spend the day with me. He has to work some tomorrow when
the rest of us are going skiing."
Timmy looked at me with a disappointed expression then his
excitement surged again and he turned back to Joel. "Okay. Friday.
When?"
Joel laughed. "Why don't we plan on early Friday afternoon?
How about after lunch, say one o'clock?"
"Good." Timmy replied, then turned back towards the couch
refusing to take his eyes off of the picture of the Beechcraft.
"Sound good to you, Mau?" Joel asked.
Mau grinned and nodded.
"Have you seen the others?" I asked.
Mau pointed towards their bedroom then shrugged.
I nodded. "Thanks, bud."
Joel and I left the boys and headed towards the bedroom. As we
approached, we heard giggling coming through the open door. I looked
into the room and found it empty.
I knocked. "Hello?"
Immediately, the giggling stopped and I looked at Joel in
question.
"Are you guys decent? Can we come in?"
I heard some snorting and then a suppressed giggle. "Uh, yeah.
We're in the bathroom."
As we entered the bathroom I saw both Ben and Cody standing in
front of the mirror in their jockey shorts and neither Joel nor I
could hold in our laughter. The boys had used some styling gel,
actually quite a lot of it, to make their hair stand up in wild
styles. Cody's hair was swept up straight into a six-inch fin that
actually sagged from the weight of hair and gel. Ben had spiked his
hair in all directions, giving him the look of a young lion's mane.
Both boys were blushing through their giggles as Joel and I continued
to chuckle.
"Uh ." Ben began, "we kind of borrowed your hair gel, Fu Man.
Cody wanted to see if it would make his hair stand up more."
"I see that, Ben," he grinned. "And you couldn't help but get
into the act, right?"
Ben's eyes twinkled playfully and Cody turned from the mirror to
face us. "You like my new look? I call it my shark look."
I laughed. "Yeah, it could be a shark, but you really look more
like Flipper to me."
Joel laughed and nodded. The boys looked at each other in
confusion.
"What's a Flipper?" Ben asked as Cody nodded.
Joel rolled his eyes at me dramatically as I shook my head.
"Flipper's a TV star dolphin from the old days and it's a damn shame
that you guys are only exposed to the crap on today's TV anymore."
"Whatever, Fu Man," Cody said rolling his eyes back at Joel.
"You guys are just old. Was the show in black and white or did they
invent color TV by that time?"
I snorted at his come back. "He's got you there, old man."
"Old? I'm a spring chicken compared to you."
I felt his hand swat my butt playfully and I winked at the boys.
"I wasn't the one that needed recharge time last night."
Joel groaned. "I can't believe you just said that. I give up."
He threw his hands in the air as his smile widened. "Forget he said
that, guys. He's incorrigible." He blew me a kiss and his eyes told
me he'd get me back. "Where are Chris and Cleats?"
"Out being macho studs," Ben said. "They went to find a pick-up
b-ball game over near the high school by your house, Blair. They
said something about a church lot on Colfax that always had a game
going."
"Good," Joel said in response. I could see his mind working on
some thought, but I put it aside and looked at Cody.
"You know, Codes, you look just fine as a dolphin, but you ought
to let me show you how much better you could look with a little
refined styling."
"It's a shark, man, not some stupid dolphin. But sure, go
ahead."
I raised my eyebrows mischievously and winked at Joel. "This
won't take but a minute or two. I'll catch up with you in the
bedroom."
"Okay," Joel replied. "But I'm ready to get cleaned up after
the yard work and you did promise to spend the day with me."
I shook my head at Joel's persistence and inwardly beamed. His
unsolicited promise to do everything in his power to give us the most
time possible together today filled me with a warm, embracing tingle.
I turned my attention to Cody. "Now. Let's see if we can
change your looks from the ever-popular TV star Flipper to the
classic and still yet-to-be-topped stud of the silver screen, James
Dean."
"Who's that?" Cody asked.
I sighed.
* * * * *
Two hours later, I heard whispering outside the office door in
the hallway. Joel and I were on a videoconference with the executive
team, being brought up to speed on the past four days. I motioned
for Joel to continue and stuck my head out the door. Ben and Cody
stood at the end of the hallway, hunkered over Cody's phone. The
whispered discussion seemed to leave the two boys at slight odds with
each other.
"I told you, Codes, Blair says he talked to them and touched
them last night. I just know he'll answer it if it rings."
"And what if he does answer it and doesn't say anything? Then
he'll know it's us . or me calling and he'll think we're making fun
of him or something."
"Ah, c'mon, man. I've said 'hi' to him three times since I got
back from Blair's and he hasn't said a word back to me. I want him
to talk with us. It's number six on the speed dial, just do it."
Cody shook his head. "Use your phone if you wanna call so
fuckin' badly."
Ben sighed then pulled his phone from his pocket.
As I watched and listened, I found myself at a loss as far as
what to do. I wasn't sure if I should intervene on Mau's part or let
the natural course of things flow. It was inevitable that the boys
would try to call Mau. Last night, Cleats and Mau had been text
messaging each other, so this seemed like the next logical step. But
what if Cody was right? What if Mau thought they were making fun of
him?
My musings took too much time. Ben punched the speed dial, then
turned to Cody.
"Baby," he taunted. I heard a phone ring elsewhere in the
apartment.
I watched Ben's face light up as if he'd just walked into a
surprise birthday party.
"Hey, Mau! What's happening? It's me, Ben." He paused for a
quick second, then continued.
"You gotta talk louder, dude. Did you say you knew it was me?" His
eyes flashed open widely at Cody whose face shared equal excitement.
"Because I wanted to hear your voice man. I've missed it all this
time. That's why, bud . Mau? C'mon, dude, talk . no, wait . Fuck!"
He exclaimed quietly.
I sighed unintentionally. I guess I too wanted Mau to talk
more. The boys heard my sigh and turned to look at me. I shrugged
and gave them a tight-lipped smile then shook my head slightly.
"What?" Ben asked, his voice projecting minor irritation. "At
least he talked to me like he did with you guys."
"I know, Ben. And I'm glad you tried, but you can't force him
to talk until he's ready."
"That's just fucked up, Blair, and you know it." His voice now
filled with anger and frustration. "If he'd talk to us and tell us
what happened to him then we can help him. It pisses me off ."
I caught a movement behind him and saw Mau stop just down the
hallway outside the media room door. I lifted my eyebrows to try and
catch Ben's attention, but he barreled on.
"What?" he asked as he saw my expression change. "It does make
me mad. And you guys sure ain't gonna tell us anything you know.
It's not fair. What happened to him, huh? I just want to help."
"Ben, stop a second," I said. Cody looked beyond him and Ben
and saw Mau standing there, listening, his eyes staring at Ben
flatly.
"Hey, Mau Man." Cody's voice filled the sudden silence.
Ben turned towards Mau, his eyes looking like he'd been caught
doing something wrong. Mau stared at him, his face a mask of pain,
flushed with embarrassment. Then his jaw clenched in obvious
unwanted memory and his shoulders shook with barely restrained
control. His eyes filled noticeably with tears, then he turned
quickly and headed towards the kitchen.
"Mau, wait, man." Ben cried, moving to follow his friend. Cody
grabbed his arm to stop his pursuit.
"Hold up, Bone." Cody turned to me. "Maybe you should go B-
man."
"I can do it," Ben hissed, trying to pull his arm from Cody's
grasp.
"Yeah, you can, but Blair's the one that should do it."
Ben glared at me, his eyes spouting anger and frustration.
"Ben, please. I'm not trying to take your place with your boys.
You know that don't you?" I moved from my spot outside the office
door and approached them. Ben flipped his head in dismissal and I
automatically reached to tuck his hair behind his ear then cupped the
back of his head affectionately. "Just let me go check to see if
he's all right, then you two can go gang up on him like usual, okay?"
He shrugged, but remained silent. I winked at Cody and offered
him a tight smile.
Mau lay curled up against three pillows on the mattress furthest
from the door. His body shook with the release his tears
precipitated in the hallway. I knocked gently.
"Hey, bud. Can I come in for a minute?"
Instead of a response, he buried his face into the pillows. I
slowly made my way to the edge of the mattress and dropped onto the
rumpled covers. The desire to sweep him into my arms and comfort him
almost overrode my self-control.
"You know Ben and Cody love you, don't you?" My words seemed to
break into his pain. I saw a slight lessening of the trembling that
wracked his young body. "All of your boys love you, Mau. And even
though Joel and I will never be 'one of your boys', we love you too.
Do you believe me when I say that, Mau?"
His tears slowed and the trembling dropped to minor tremors as
he lifted his head from the pillow to look at me. His beautiful face
looked exhausted from the emotional release. Emotion caused his
cheeks, covered with spent tears and red blotches, to quiver. He
sniffed a few times then nodded his head once. I offered him a soft
smile. The corner of his lip raised minutely in response.
"Honey, Ben and Cody just want to help you somehow-we all do,
but not until you're ready. I mean that. They're just frustrated
and feel impotent. That means they want to do something to help
because they care so much for you, but they don't know how or what to
do. You know they weren't trying to make fun of you, right?"
He nodded once and then wiped his face with the back of his
hand. I spied a box of Kleenex on a nearby dresser. "Let me get you
some tissue so you don't have to use the back of your hand."
I winked at him, which brought a slight smile. I grabbed the
box of tissues then moved closer to Mau on the mattress. He didn't
seem to mind my closeness.
"Thanks," he whispered as he sat up and took the offered
tissues. He wiped his face and cleared his nose. I offered my hand
for him to discard the used tissues and he rolled his eyes then
placed the tissues in his pocket. I smiled.
"You're welcome, Cubbo."
He looked at me questioningly. I grinned.
"Well, with your beautiful, black hair all spiked like that you
look like a bear cub."
He grinned slightly and rolled his eyes.
"Don't roll those big, brown eyes at me, bud. You do look like
a bear cub and you're going to knock the socks off of some girl one
day soon with those eyes of your. Mark my words, Mau Man."
He didn't try to hide his grin this time and I couldn't resist
the chance to see if I could make his grin remain a bit longer.
"Oh! You like the thought of that, don't you? I don't think
that Cody and Chris and Cleats are the only horndogs in the group."
His grin widened into a smile. His bright, white teeth were
like spotlights on opening night. They illuminated his face. He
giggled softly at my words causing my own face to light up further in
witness to his lightened mood.
"So did you mind so terribly that Ben called you on your phone?"
I finished my words with a wink.
His grin remained as he shook his head. His hand automatically
reached for his phone on his belt and touched it as if to reassure
himself that it was still there.
"Good. In his own way, he was just trying to tell you he loved
you and wanted to help."
Mau nodded.
I continued. "And I want you to know something, honey. If you
ever need to just get a little reassurance that things are okay, you
can come to Joel or me at anytime. I mean that. I know you don't
want to talk about the stuff that happened to you, but if you just
need to talk to someone other than your boys, you can come to us,
okay?"
He nodded again.
"Even in the middle of the night. Don't worry about waking us
up. I'm not just saying that, Mau, I mean it. Or if you want to
call us during the day and we're not here, just call, even if you
don't say anything, we'll know it's you and we'll just talk with you
about whatever we're doing. Deal, Cubbo?"
Mau went to nod again, but his eyes suddenly filled with tears.
"What's wrong, honey? Did I say something wrong?"
He shook his head once then, surprisingly, he launched into my
arms and buried his face in my neck. The renewed tears spilled down
his cheeks and I felt his body shake as his sobs -- of what I could
only imagine came from his fears -- shook his slight frame. I pulled
him tightly into my arms and he settled onto my lap as he continued
to hold me in a fierce, clinging hug. I brushed the back of his head
with my hand and whispered that everything was going to be okay from
now on.
"No one's ever going to hurt you again, honey. I swear to you,
Mau. Neither Joel nor I will let anything happen to you. Shhhh .
son. You're safe now." I rocked him in my arms, holding him close
in my lap while I uttered soothing words and sounds and placed small
kisses onto his hair.
My heart was in my throat as my own eyes overflowed with tears.
I felt that finally a connection had been made with our most-wounded
charge, one that was real and something that could be built on. The
worry and fear that I felt about not having whatever it took within
me to handle these boys melted in that instant. My heart exploded
with love and tenderness, not just for Mau and his pain, but for all
of the boys -- our boys.
"It's all gonna be okay, Mau. I love you so much." My hand
continued its soothing caress of his hair and my other hand gently
patted his back offering what comfort there was to be found in the
gesture.
We sat like that, gently rocking, for a long time. His sobs
ended and his breathing calmed. Eventually, he pulled back and
looked at me. Then, in the most surprising action of all, he leaned
forward and kissed my cheek once. Unable to contain myself, a huge
grin covered my face.
"I love you too, Mau."
He smiled tight-lipped, then dropped his eyes as though he were
embarrassed. I ruffled his hair lightly and went to pull from our
hug, but he quickly looked back at me.
"Don't go."
In that instant, there was no power on earth that could have
forced me to leave. I pulled him back against me and he snuggled
into my arms sideways, placing the side of his face against my chest.
My mind flooded with horrid images of what he'd endured and knew that
what he now needed more than anything else was to be held in the
safety offered by my arms. I was, at the same time, stunned and
overwhelmed by the fact that only four, short days ago he'd flinched
away from me as I offered my hand in introduction.
I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere, bud."
A few minutes passed and my mind drifted to the memory of
complete excitement on his face earlier when Joel had promised to
take the boys flying.
"It was quite a surprise this morning that Joel dropped on us
about the plane and flying, huh?"
He nodded, but remained silent. I continued.
"I was even surprised. Joel and I have only been together for a
little over a month. I guess there's still a lot we don't know about
each other. I love flying in small aircraft. Have you ever been in
one before?"
A small shake of his head spelled the extent of his response. I
continued to hold him while I rocked slightly in my place on the
mattress. I felt him hug me tighter. He caught me off guard with
his quiet question.
"You and Fu Man really love each other, don't you?"
It was the most complete and longest sentence I'd heard come
from his mouth. I was simply amazed. I quickly nodded.
"Yeah, Mau, we do. It's been the most incredible month of my
life. Well, actually about two-and-a-half months now. Did you know
that I developed a huge crush on him from the very first moment I saw
him?"
Mau shook his head and then I heard a very soft giggle. I
grinned at the sound.
"I did. It was awful. Hank, he's the assistant manager and
head bartender of Joel's restaurant downstairs . well, he told me
that I didn't have a chance. I guess I proved ole Hank wrong, now
didn't I?"
Mau nodded as his giggle increased in volume. I felt his
chuckles against my chest and suddenly had an inkling of what parents
felt like when they held their child or witnessed their joys and
sorrows. It was an overwhelming and powerful feeling and one of
which I definitely wanted more.
"I'm almost giddy when I think about spending the rest of my
life with him. You'll know this same feeling one day when you meet
the right person."
He pulled from me and stared fixedly into my eyes. I could see
the question in his gaze as clearly as if he'd put it into words.
"You will, Mau." I winked at him. "If you'll let it happen.
Have you ever had a girlfriend . or a boyfriend?" I grinned.
He rolled his eyes at me and tentatively nodded his head.
My grin expanded playfully. "Which one? A girlfriend or a
boyfriend? Or maybe it was one of each?"
He laughed then shook his head. "A girlfriend."
"Ahh. Was she pretty?"
He nodded.
"Did you suck face?" I smiled playfully.
He gave me another nod and roll of his eyes.
"Was this back home," I asked tentatively, not sure I wanted to
push too far, but he nodded readily. "The boys said that you were
from Maui, right?"
He nodded again.
"Hmm . is she still your girlfriend?"
He scowled and shook his head with a sigh.
I put a comical look of shock and dismay on my face. "Oh no!
She didn't leave you for another man, did she? The tramp!"
He giggled even though I knew he didn't want to. He shook his
head. "She moved."
I sighed. "Women."
He actually laughed out loud at my comment. The sound filled
the room like the clang and pinging of bells on a bright morning.
"Blair!" He shook his head with a dramatic roll of his eyes saying
'what would I know about women'.
"What? I dated a woman once when I was just a little bit older
than you. That was enough. I just figured that women were better
left to the straight men."
He grinned and pulled further from me. I felt the weight lessen
from his half-seat on my lap and groaned quietly.
"I hope you had enough close hugs for the time being. You may
still have somewhat of a slight build, but my legs are starving for
blood! Sheesh!"
"Sorry."
"Don't be, bud. I loved every minute of it and I want you to
know that anytime you need a hug or want a hug, that I'm your man.
And we don't have to tell your boys about it either. I'm sure Cleats
would never let you live it down, right?"
He nodded and grinned.
"Well, then. How about we go see what the rest of the crew is
up to? I want to check on how Joel is doing with our conference
call. Who knows, I might have ditched out at the right time and
missed the end of it. That wouldn't be all bad, huh? Kind of like
skipping class."
We stood up and I gave Mau one last hug and a smile then we
moved towards the kitchen where I heard Ben and Cody talking. As we
entered, they looked towards us expectantly.
"What were you guys laughing about?" Cody asked.
Mau and I looked at each other and grinned. "Mau seemed to
think it was pretty funny that I was giving him advice on women."
Ben gave us a sideways look then grinned along with us. He
nodded at my words and looked intently at Mau.
"Sorry if I upset you earlier. I didn't mean too." He held his
fist towards Mau, looking for a bump. "We cool, Mau Man?"
Mau grinned and touched his fist to Ben's with a nod. "Yeah,
Bone."
* * * * *
Joel and the boys made an early start the next morning beginning
with a major breakfast in the restaurant downstairs. We commandeered
a large booth in the closed section and Hank simply shook his head at
the amount of food the boys ordered. His amazement grew as he
watched how quickly they made the food disappear. Hank and I joked
about how we wished we could still put away that many calories and
stay fit.
The boys were adequately pleased when Hank informed them as they
were leaving, that he'd already spread the word to the other
employees about how if any of Joel and Blair's boys came looking for
food, they were to throw the doors wide open for them. Ben bumped
fists with Hank on the way out and I saw the pleasure in Hank's face
at the gesture. I winked at Ben and messed his hair then spotted the
longing, wanting look in Mau's eyes and gave him the same. His short
smile would be with me for a good part of the day.
I moved to my spot at the bar for a last cup of coffee with
Hank. After pouring us both a cup, Hank studied me for a moment
before speaking.
"You don't seem too worse for the wear, man. How's it been?"
His look conveyed his sincere interest, telling me without words that
he knew the past few days hadn't been too easy on me.
"Let's just say that I'm surviving," I responded, then shook my
head. "Actually, Hank, I'm thriving. It hasn't been all sweet
smelling, that's for sure, but finally yesterday, Joel and I synced
up again and I'm feeling a lot more balanced." I sipped from my cup.
"You can't believe how intense these boys are."
"I bet. And just so you know, I've missed you and Joel coming
around every morning. One of the fairly regular customers asked me
where the two of you were. Then he said that he'd noticed you
weren't around because you were always here in the morning, just like
you owned the place or something."
I laughed as he continued. "I told him that I didn't know
anything about it and he got the hint to mind his own business."
"That's what I admire about you, Hank. You're a man of
principle." I chuckled. "I told Mau yesterday about how you almost
physically warned me away from Joel and that I didn't listen. Mau
actually liked the story."
"Mau," Hank said pensively, "is he the one with the dark, spiky
hair?"
I nodded a few times as my mind jumped to my hope that he
enjoyed himself today. Hank's comment snatched me back to the bar.
"You probably already know this, bud, but some really heavy shit
has happened to that kid. You can see it in his eyes. I mean,
they're way beyond having a haunted look."
His gaze locked with mine as I slowly nodded my head. "He's
really just said his first words to us yesterday. He's been with the
boys for two or three months and the total extent he's said to them
in all of that time was 'Maui' when asked where he was from. From
what we saw of his body with the doctor, the kid has been through
some unspeakable horrors. And he's only sixteen."
Hank ran his hand across his shaved head and licked his lips.
"And what about the other boys?'
I snorted. My disdain for their parents was similar to how I
felt about the ceaseless war between the Israelis and Palestinians or
the atrocities committed in Iraq by both sides or the murder of
Mathew Sheppard -- how can one human being be so filled with hate and
fear that they'd do such things to another human being? How could
parents allow themselves to toss their children out into the world
unprotected, unloved? We didn't know how Mau ended up in the
situation he had, but the others . the others had parents that had
turned their backs on their kids, on their responsibilities to love
and care for their offspring. Even Timmy's parents had done this --
his father in prison for life, his mother dead from an overdose.
I closed my eyes as the feeling of impotence rose in my throat
like erupting, bitter bile.
"You don't have to tell me, Blair, if it's too much to talk
about."
I quickly shook my head then opened my eyes and looked at my
friend. "Chris, the tall one, was the football player that was
caught in bed with his coach last fall in Colorado Springs. His
father tried to force his conversion back to hetero through the mind-
fuck techniques used by the conversion groups. He booked to Denver
instead. All of his teammates were taking shots at him and he'd been
beaten up pretty badly before he got away. Cody, the one with the
messy brown hair that sat next to Ben . he also was caught in bed
with his best friend by his religious right father who kicked him out
in the middle of November without a coat . in fucking Cheyenne,
Wyoming! God! How could someone do that? He's only just sixteen,
too!"
Hank's head shook back and forth slowly and I just looked at
him, then continued. "Timmy just turned thirteen and has been in the
foster system since his mother died of an overdose in some hole in
the Holly. His dad's in the Supermax prison in Florence for a double
homicide. Cleats' father beat the shit out of him because he
wouldn't go to church or stop hanging with his buddies. His father
insisted they were a gang and the bitch of it all was that Cleats and
his friends hung together in order to avoid the Chicago gangs.
Finally, as Cleats told us, his dad was going for broke, wailing on
him one night, drunk and Cleats finally got his knife out of his
pocket and slashed the prick's face to get away."
My hands trembled as I lifted my cup. The coffee helped to
settle me a bit. "And then Ben . fuck!" I hissed. "My Ben . was
raped anally by his drunken uncle and when he tried to tell his
father about it, his father backhanded him and sent him flying,
calling him a liar even though there was blood everywhere and gave
him ten minutes to get out of his house. That night he was supposed
to have his first date with this girl that he was just wild about. I
mean, c'mon Hank? Tell me how all of this could happen?"
"Man, I don't know what to tell you. My upbringing was nothing
like that. Neither was yours. But the absolutely amazing thing is
that they all found each other and then found you two before it was
too late." His head shook repeatedly in disbelief.
'We were too late for Mauricio,' I thought.
"So yeah, it's been a hell of a few days."
"I guess it has been, man. I was bullshittin' you when I said
you didn't look the worse for wear. You actually look somewhat worn
out. But you say that you and Joel are connecting?"
"Yeah. We spent the whole day together yesterday. Hell,
Tuesday night, I was deadset on flying to Chicago today while they
were skiing just to get away from it all. But I finally got my head
on straight."
"Well, you let me know if and when I can help you guys. I'm
serious. If you want to go out or away for a while, I'm your man to
cover the guys. I know Chris is seventeen, but still, I can look in
on them."
"Thanks, Hank. I mean that."
My cell phone rang as I clasped hands with him. His smile and
nod was good to receive. He turned to his other customers while I
answered my call. There was no number on the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Yeah. Let me talk to Cleats, man." I recognized the voice
from Monday night. It was Ranus, Cleats' friend.
"He's not here now. He's up in the mountains for the day."
"You bullshittin' me, man?"
"No. Why would I do that? Can I get a number for him to call
you back, Ranus?"
Silence filled the space following my words. I wanted to know
why Ranus was calling, so I pushed on.
"This is Blair. I think you know who I am."
"Yeah, I know about you."
"Does this have something to do about Mauricio? Do you know
anything more?"
"Fuck. Why should I tell you? I don't owe you shit, man."
"No, you're right, you don't owe me anything, but the boys trust
you and we care for the boys. We've been trying to find out
something about Mauricio to help the boys deal with his death, but we
haven't gotten anywhere yet. We're just trying to help them."
More silence. I waited and locked eyes with Hank as he stood in
front of his terminal.
"Tell Cleats it wasn't Ice that did it."
An automated voice broke into the phone call instructing the
caller to insert an additional fifty cents into the slot to continue
the call.
"I gotta go," Ranus' raspy voice growl. "I don't got another
fifty cents."
"Give me the number. I'll call back immediately." No response.
"C'mon, man."
"6..5..0..9..5..0..3. Don't make me wait, man. I got other
things to do than deal with this shit."
I chuckled quietly and disconnected the call, then dialed the
number. He answered it on the first ring.
"What do you mean that it wasn't Ice that did it? You mean he
wasn't the one that shot Mauricio up with enough shit to kill him?"
"That's what I'm saying, man."
"Then who did it?"
"Mauricio."
As his words sunk in, I immediately realized the effect this
news would have on the boys. Each of them had nodded adamantly when
Cleats had sworn that Mauricio wasn't doing drugs.
"The boys all swore that Mauricio wasn't doing anything."
"Yeah, well, they's all just na‹ve little boys at times, now
ain't they? That's why I been watching out for 'em. They done okay
by theyselves most of the time, but shit, they's also just stupid
kids."
I smirked at his words. "How do you know this about Mauricio,
Ranus?"
"Cuz I found the guy that shot up with Mauricio, man, and he
told me. Mauricio didn't borrow no money from Ice, he owed it to him
for some rock, man, and when he gave Ice the money, Ice refused to
gib him anymore crack cuz he knew he'd just owe him more shit. So he
gabe him some H and sent him away figurin' that would solve the
problem for good."
"This is what this other guy told you?"
"Yeah, man. Said he was with Mauricio and since he'd done it
before, he showed our boy what to do then did it his self. When he
woke up, Mauricio was dead cause he'd shot the whole bang instead of
just half. So yeah, Ice had his hand in it, but he didn't do nothing
but give him the smack, man."
"Fuck."
"That's right. I knew he was getting too far into shit with Ice
and tried to tell him."
"Thanks for that, Ranus. And thanks for looking out for the
boys. They've come to mean a lot to Joel and me."
"Cleats said you was cool."
I smiled. "Uh . can I thank you for all of this in some other
way than with words? I mean . can I help you out with some cash or
something. Don't take me wrong, but I'd really like to do something
for you."
His voice hissed over the phone line. "I don't need your
charity, man. I do just fine by myself. What I need is a job. You
got one of them in your back pocket next to all your cash?"
His words caused me to stop for a second. I'd heard how
difficult it was to get a job when you're living on the streets
because no one wants the headaches that so often come with hiring a
derelict.
A sarcastic, annoyed chuckle reached my ears. "That's what I
thought, man."
"No, wait," I said. "Yes, I do have a job or at least I'm
pretty sure I do. Cleats told me about a time you two were watching
some guys painting a house or a building downtown . no it was the
trim on a church. And he said you went on about how the painters
were doing everything all wrong. So I take it you know about
painting things the right way, right?"
"Yeah, I know about the paint. But I ain't got no brushes no
more and people ain't gonna hire you if you don't got the tools,
man."
"Well, did Cleats tell you about how we're fixing my house so
the boys can live in it?"
"Yeah."
"Well, the whole thing needs painting before they move in," my
heart lurched at the thought of the boys leaving. I just didn't
think I was going to be able to handle that, but I set the thought
aside and continued. "So here's the deal. I'm gonna call the
contractor working on the house and tell him that I've found a
painter that can start today and then I'm gonna leave you whatever
money I have in my pocket with the bartender at the diner on 18th and
Stout. You get the brushes and drop cloths and whatever else you
need and show up at my house later on. I'll pay you the going rate.
How's that sound?"
"You ain't shittin' me, are you?"
"Nope. No charity either."
"Tell your boy the bartender that I'll be there in an hour. I
gotta take care of some stuff with my own boys then I'll be there."
A smile slowly covered my face. "Good. Thanks, man."
He chuckled with a low, gravelly tone. "Don't thank me until
it's done. I ain't painted in five years, but I'm down with the job,
man. Thanks."
The line disconnected and as I closed my phone, I noticed Hank
leaning against the pillar with his arms crossed over his face,
slowly shaking his head at me.
"What?" I asked.
"Are you and Joel trying to be canonized for sainthood or
something?"
I sighed. I wasn't up for one of Hank's lectures, even though I
was certain that he probably had something worth listening to say.
"Not today, Hank. Would you mind saving it for later? I'm
certain I need to hear whatever you have to say, but how about when
you get off? Why don't you come up for a beer after your shift and
you can lay it on me then?"
His smirk and nod gave me my answer.
* * * * *
I stood outside the locked bathroom door in the boy's bedroom
waiting for an answer that I wasn't sure was forthcoming. I didn't
know how to push any harder without Mau pulling away from me, but I
knew I had to try. The thought of losing the precious and hard-
fought-for ground that I'd made with Mau was untenable.
"Would that be okay with you, Mau?" I asked a second time
through the closed door.
Finally, I heard a soft 'yeah' from within the bathroom.
"Good. Let me know if you need anything, bud."
I moved to one of the chairs and dropped into it heavily.
Joel's phone call from an hour previously ripped again through mind
and my heart.
"Blair, something major bad just happened with Mau."
His words stopped me in my tracks as I moved from the terrace
back into the living room.
"Where are you? What happened?"
"I'm in the parking lot of the ski area, watching as the boys
lead Mau back to the car. He's all right physically I think, but
mentally I'm not so sure."
"Joel! What happened?"
"God, love. I'm not even sure, but I think he just recognized
someone from his past . someone from the horrible part of his past.
We were checking in our equipment and I was standing next to Mau at
the counter when the worker came out from behind the racks of boards
and skis. Mau went to hand him his board then he just froze as he
looked at the guy. I saw that he recognized him and the guy
recognized Mau. Anyway, Mau dropped the board on the counter and
took a step backwards. There was this horrible look of fear on his
face. It was terrible, Blair. The guy behind the counter smirked at
Mau and Mau started to shake and then he took another step backwards
right into Cleats. Then, fuck Blair, Mau lost control and actually
urinated in his jeans. I don't think he realized it. The look on
his face . it was just like a trapped animal, Blair. Then he plowed
his way through a number of people and knocked over a display and was
out the door before I knew what was happening."
"Christ, Joel. Do you think the guy was the same person that
raped him?"
"I don't know, but if you could have seen Mau's face you'd of .
I don't know. I yelled for the boys to go after Mau then lunged at
the guy. I yelled at him to tell me how he knew Mau and he slammed
me in the head with his clipboard and ran into the back of the place.
Fuck, Blair, his punch caught me off guard so I was a little bit
behind him, but I followed him out the back and saw him run to a car.
He left before I could get there, but I got the license number."
My mind raced with questions and simultaneously stalled out with
worry. "Where's Mau now?"
"The boys have just made it to the car and I'm on my way over
there. I'm not sure what to do. You're the one he talks to and
feels the most comfortable with. Chris is in the far back seat with
Mau so I think it's best we just get home. What do you think?"
"Yes. You're at Loveland, right?"
"Yeah. We'll be home in less than an hour."
I heard the shower stop as I finished replaying the conversation
with Joel in my head. A minute or two later, the door opened part
way, but Mau didn't exit the bathroom.
"Blair?" His voice sounded like that of a lost child.
"Mau? Are you okay?" I received no response and approached the
door. "Can I come in, bud?"
I heard the faint 'yes' so I pushed the door open and found Mau
sitting on the floor in the corner with a towel wrapped around his
waist. I approached slowly, then dropped to the floor myself.
Silent tears covered his face as I reached for his shoulder.
"Is it okay if I touch you, buddy?"
He nodded and I moved my hand to his neck, giving it a gentle
squeeze.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
He shook his head, but I continued. "Did that man you
recognized . uh, was he the one that raped you?"
His head jerked to look at me, his eyes stood widely open with a
look of fear and sudden distrust.
"Mau, it's okay. It's me, Blair. Did that man hurt you?"
The subtle, tentative nod of his head brought frustrated and
impotent tears to my eyes and I slowly reached for his other
shoulder, pulling him to me in a hug.
"I'm so sorry, Mau," I said as I held him close. His tears and
sniffs stopped. "Can you tell me anything about where the cops can
find him?"
He pulled from my embrace with a forceful shake of his head.
His voice was low and devoid of any emotion except for loathing. "I
hate him," he growled as he stared into my eyes. His look contained
a fury that I'd never previously witnessed in another human being.
"I hate them all. I want to kill them . all of them."
Then, he went silent again. My repeated questions were left
unanswered, but he did allow me to hold him. We sat there for about
five minutes in silence when I heard a knock on the door jam and saw
Chris standing in the doorway.
"Can I help?"
Mau shook his head, but I nodded. "Grab some of his sweats,
would you?"
When Chris returned, I tried to move Mau into a sitting
position, but he refused to move anywhere outside my arms. I
whispered soothing words and gradually, Chris and I were able to get
his sweats on him and we moved into the bedroom. When I went to
leave, Mau cried for me to stay, but I told him that I had to talk to
Joel and that Chris would take my place if he'd let him.
My glance from the door saw Chris holding Mau tightly in his
arms.
Joel waited for me in the kitchen and I shared with him that Mao
admitted that the guy was one of the men that had raped him. Joel
immediately picked up the phone and called the Governor's office. He
was put through within seconds. After a brief bit of background, the
Governor's assistant took the information regarding the man's
description, rough location and his license plate number then assured
Joel that the Governor would have the State Patrol and local
authorities locate the man.
When I returned to the boy's room, the rest of the boys were
camped in a circle around Chris and Mau. I couldn't hear what they
were saying to him, but I felt better seeing Chris' arm around him
and Mau looking a little more relaxed. I returned to the kitchen as
Joel was finishing a phone call.
"Okay, Paul. I'm still a little confused, but I'm glad you're
happy. I'll talk to Blair. Thanks."
I closed my eyes as I realized that Paul must have been calling
Joel about Ranus. The issues with Mau had obviously superceded my
attentions.
"Sorry," I said looking at him with a wry smile. "I kind of
forgot to mention the call I received from Ranus this morning after
you guys headed into the mountains. What did Paul say?"
Joel grinned and pulled me into his arms. "That he's found
himself a new painter. What happened?"
I shared the morning's conversation with Joel, including the
news about Mauricio. His smile, while initially bright and strong,
faded as he realized the impact the news of Mauricio's drug use would
have on the boys.
"Rob called me around noon to tell me that he'd found out that
the funeral for Mauricio is tomorrow morning. The only one of the
boys that wants to go is Cleats. He said the other guys were being
cold to a friend, but even then, none of them wanted to go, so I'm
taking Cleats."
"You know, Joel, I don't think we should tell them about what
Ranus said until later. I think they've had enough for the week."
Joel agreed. We needed a distraction of our own and began to
prepare dinner for the eight of us. Forty-five minutes later, I
called the boys for the meal and felt relief when I saw Mau come to
the kitchen with the other boys. He looked at me once, quickly, then
took his place at the table.
The five boys shared the events of the day with a measured
amount of enthusiasm. Mau remained mute. Overshadowing their
conversation was Mau's reaction in the ski rental shop. They didn't
know what had caused Mau to run from the shop and I caught Ben
studying me intensely several times. My offered smile wasn't
returned.
Later, as they watched a movie, Joel and I had some wine in the
study. Ben came in and immediately started in with his questions.
"What happened today?"
I looked quickly at Joel. "I can't tell you that, Ben. Please
understand."
"That's bullshit, Blair, and you know it. Now tell me what
happened. He's our friend."
Ben's accent on 'our' left no room for misunderstanding. He
felt, and probably rightly so, that they had a right to know what was
going on because of their history with Mau. But it felt wrong to
share what we knew about the rape or rapes.
"Ben, sit down here, please." I said, patting the couch.
Reluctantly, he moved to the coffee table in front of us and sat
on the edge.
"Look," I began. "It's not right to tell you everything that
we've found out. You have to understand that, but today in the shop,
Mau recognized a guy that hurt him very badly. Joel's called the
Governor's office and they are tracking the man down now. We're just
waiting to hear something."
"I know he was raped, Blair. I'm not stupid."
I nodded, but didn't know how to respond. Joel picked up where
I left off.
"What he needs right now, Ben, is for you guys to treat him just
like you always do. He needs to feel secure, and you guys are the
ones to do that for him."
Ben sighed angrily then looked at me accusingly. "You're the
one he's opened up to. You're the only one he wants."
I didn't know how to respond to the anger and hurt in eyes and
voice. I sensed that Ben was feeling like he'd become second best
suddenly. Our relationship had deepened so quickly that we both knew
there was something special between us. But I didn't know how to
voice my feelings for him.
"You're right, Ben," Joel continued, "Mau has attached himself
to Blair, but that doesn't mean you guys don't hold the same place
with him. Mau needs a good and loving adult figure in his life very
badly right now and thankfully, he connected with Blair. Please, try
and understand that."
After a moment of consideration, Ben looked at Joel and tipped
his chin up in acknowledgement. "Just . man, let us know what's
happening."
Joel nodded and Ben left without looking at me.
My jaw clenched as I turned to Joel. "Fuck."
* * * * *
I sensed a presence standing over me and I immediately sat up.
In the darkness of the bedroom, I made out the figure of Mau standing
next to my side of the bed in his boxers and t-shirt. I glanced at
the clock. It was one-thirty in the morning.
"Hey, bud. What's wrong?"
He simply looked at me and I reached for his hand. "Are you
okay, Mau?" I whispered. I felt his hand tremble and felt his fear
through my fingertips. "Did you have a nightmare?"
He nodded once and I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I pulled
him to the bed and as he sat next to me, I placed my arm around his
shoulder.
"This may sound stupid and all, but do you want to lay down here
with us for a while?"
He nodded and I hugged him close again.
"Okay. Climb on in. It's a big bed, but I'm warning you,
Joel's a bed hog."
I pulled the covers back and Mau slipped in between us. Once
covered, he snuggled into the pillow facing me and I patted his
shoulder.
"Better?"
He nodded.
A few minutes later I heard his breathing even out as he dropped
into sleep.
My weary mind had a last thought before I too dozed off.
'We've got to get this boy some help.'
This Is So Not The End.
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