Date: Thu, 6 May 2004 17:09:58 -0600
From: Drew Filchak <dfilchak@qwest.net>
Subject: Complexities - The Reservations Series

Complexities
A Continuation of the Reservations Series
By Drew Filchak


     "Joel.  Wake up.  Cleats is gone."
     Alarm filled his unfocused russet eyes.  He blinked twice as he
tensed and struggled to sit up.    "What time is it?"  His normally
melodic baritone rasped gruffly.
     "Twenty till five."
     My grasp on his shoulder caused his neck to bend towards my hand
as he reflexively sought to come closer to the intimacy offered by my
touch.  He snorted once then shook his head to clear the sleep from
his eyes.
     "What happened?  I feel like we only just now returned to bed.
What do you mean gone?"  He swung to a sitting position on the side
of the bed and I dropped to my knees between his legs.
     I moved my hand from his shoulder to his waist and looked up to
him.  I felt my face pinch with worry.  "I could only doze after we
returned to bed and finally I got up a few minutes ago.  The boy's
door was open and I saw that Cleats, Cody and Ben weren't in their
beds so I checked the other rooms and found Ben and Cody on the couch
in the study, but no Cleats.  Cody's still asleep, but Ben's awake
and he told me."
     "Told you what?"  His eyes met mine.
     My jaw clenched once.  "That Cleats wouldn't listen and went to
find this fucking Johnny Ice guy.  Ben said Cleats is convinced that
Mauricio was murdered."
     A gut-wrenching spasm shook me and my eyes filled with sudden
tears.  I felt nauseous with worry; my stomach suddenly feeling like
it was going to heave.  I grabbed my mouth just as I spit out some
partially digested food mixed with a large amount of bile.  Joel
grabbed a handful of tissues from the side stand and pressed them to
my hand.  The emotion and adrenaline sped through my body.
     "Blair!  Calm down now, okay?"  His unyielding, firm tone
reached into my upset and stopped my worry from spiraling further
into hysteria.  "What else did Ben say?"
     I wiped my mouth and hand.
     "I told him that my boy could handle himself."
     I snapped my head towards the annoyed voice coming from the
bedroom door.  Ben stood in the doorway with a blend of anger and
worry on his face.  I saw his face twist with upset as I quickly
wiped the remaining spit from my mouth and sat back onto my heels.
His glare held blatant irritation and challenge.
     "You guys think we're such little kids because we're just
fifteen, but you need to just fuckin' chill out.  We can take care of
ourselves."
     I felt my emotion change from worry to resentment and anger.  My
head pulled back and I started to respond with my own irritated reply
until Joel's gesture towards Ben stopped me.  He reached his arm
towards Ben and signaled with a flip of his hand for Ben to come
towards us.
     "C'mere, buddy," Joel said then patted the spot on the mattress
next to him.
     Ben's look changed from irritation to hesitancy as he tilted his
head to the side and dropped his gaze to the floor.  "You don't have
any clothes on."
     My eyes darted back to Joel's groin and looked at the soft organ
hanging over his lightly haired testicles to the mattress, resting
its head on the sheet.  I dropped my chin then, unable to contain a
smirk and rubbed my eyes once in surprised realization.  My brief
irritation faded.  Joel looked down at himself and grunted in shared
surprise, then reached for his discarded pair of briefs that lay on
the floor next to the bed.
     "Sorry," he chuckled self-consciously then quickly dropped his
feet through the leg holes and slipped the briefs over his narrow
hips.  I watched as his member flopped over the waistband of the
shorts.  He rearranged his now covered genitals with a quick,
unconscious grasp then turned back towards the red-faced youth.
     "Better?"  Joel grinned.  Ben tipped his head and smirked.
     "Nice ass."
     I chuckled lowly as I sighed.  Instantly, I was thankful that I
didn't snap back at him.  The flash of anger I'd felt at Ben's
previous heated words turned into a confusing blend of worry about
their implied meaning and an instant understanding of the truth they
contained.  In many ways, they weren't kids anymore.  Life had robbed
them of their youth.  They were now young adults whether I liked the
idea or not.
     Joel patted the bed again and Ben crossed the room to join us.
Our eyes met.  I saw a small bit of regret lying next to the
steadfast challenge in his blue-eyed gaze.
     "I know that you're not kids anymore in a lot of ways, Ben, but
leaving in the middle of the night to go after a very dangerous
sounding drug dealer isn't a very adult thing to do."  I paused as he
stopped in front of me.  I saw him wince slightly at my words.  "Your
boy Cleats could be in real trouble and I know you think I'm over-
reacting, but you should have let us know when you couldn't stop
him."  I held his gaze then reached for his hand and loosely wrapped
my fingers around his.  "I wish you'd let us all be together in
this."
     Joel nodded, but remained silent.  Ben's eyes filled with tears.
     "Why?  So you can get so upset you make yourself sick?  We all
kept trying to tell Mauricio that he needed to stay away from Ice and
The Brood, but ..." the tears rolled down his cheeks silently, "he
just kept going back.  He wanted to get in with Ice so he could get
rich and go and show his mom and sister that they were wrong calling
him a loser."
     Joel pulled Ben close as his tears fell.  "It's all right, Ben.
I know you miss him."
     Ben winced when he heard Joel's words.  He pulled from the
embrace and wiped away the tears.  "I'm not gonna miss that asshole.
It's his own fault.  I told him to meet us back at the crib after
paying off Ice."  He shook his head once violently then I watched as
a new wave of tears fell.  His words shocked me not because of their
content, but because of their unspoken meaning.  My heart ached as I
realized that Ben wanted to distance himself from the loss of his
friend so that he didn't have to deal with the pain of losing him or
deal with the guilt of abandoning him.  I suddenly felt a strong need
to shift his focus because I could feel myself suddenly drowning in
the need to help the boys and not knowing if I had what it took to
deal with the intensity of their very real problems.
     "How long ago did Cleats leave, bud?"
     He looked at me through his tears then wiped them away with the
back of his hand.  He shrugged.  "An hour ago, maybe.  I don't know."
     I glanced at Joel and saw the same resigned look in his eyes
that I was feeling.  "Do you have any idea where this Ice guy is?"
     Ben immediately shook his head.  "No.  None of us do.  Cleats
was the only one that ever even met the scum with Mauricio and that
was on the street somewhere.  He just really wanted to find out what
he could, but he said he'd be back before the doctor guy showed up."
     Relief flooded me and Joel saw it in my face.  He turned from me
to Ben.  "So are you saying that you think that Cleats only wanted to
find out information and not confront Ice?"
     "Cleats is stupid, Fu Man, not dumb.  He was going to find Ranus
and pump him for the info.  Then he was going to the cop's."  He
looked at me briefly then dropped his eyes.  "If you'd have stayed
around long enough for me to get up without waking Cody, I'd have
told you that."
     "Sorry.  I guess I freaked a little bit."
     He nodded.  "Enough to make yourself puke.  You gotta stop
worrying about us so much, Blair."
     "You may be right, Ben," Joel began, his voice quiet and
controlled.  "But all of you must remember that you're only fifteen
and sixteen and leaving in the middle of the night by yourself is not
only the wrong thing to do, but it's dangerous."
     "He made me promise not to tell you guys.  What was I supposed
to do?"
     "See," Joel continued as he placed his hand on the back of Ben's
neck, "that's where the problem started.  Asking you to do that and
you agreeing put us in the situation where Blair got too upset with
worry and you got angry with us for treating you like kids.  I know
you guys haven't had anyone to answer to for a while, but now I need
to remind you that part of our rule about respecting us and our
things also includes not keeping things from us and letting us know
where you are."
     "He knew you wouldn't let him go, but he had to find Ranus now
because he always disappears during the day."
     "No.  We wouldn't have let him go, not alone at least, but
neither one of you gave us a choice to go with him or try and work
out another solution, now did you?"  Joel tilted his head in question
towards the teen.  He waited while Ben first glanced at me then back
between his knees to the floor.
     "What?"  He finally asked.  "Are you saying that you'd have gone
with him?"
     "I'm not saying what I'd have done, Ben.  But whatever it would
have been, I can assure you that Cleats wouldn't be out on the
streets alone in the middle of the night no matter how tough he is or
how used to it he's become."
     I watched as he processed Joel's reply and wondered if I could
have remained so calm and in control.  My stomach still was tight
with worry about Cleats being out alone, but at least my fear that he
was going to confront some thug by himself had eased a bit.  I felt a
little of my frustration from earlier flare again.  Why couldn't Ben
see that we worry because we care?  What was stopping him from
trusting us or from believing that we wanted to keep him and all the
boys safe for a change?  My frustration and anger reached my eyes and
as I looked again at Ben, I saw that he recognized it for what it
was.
     Renewed irritation and defiance flashed back at me from behind
his blonde bangs.  "I'm sorry, okay?"  He flung the words back at me.
"I fucked up.  Geez, are you gonna stay mad at me for the rest of my
life?"
     My fatigue overwhelmed me suddenly.  The restless hour and a
half of sleep I'd managed before waking up an hour ago had failed
miserably to refresh me even slightly.  I rubbed my eyes repeatedly
with my hands and sighed wearily.
     "No, Ben, I'm not.  I'm a little tired, sorry.  But if you'd
drop the attitude I promise I'll try and not treat you like a kid all
the time."  I winced as I saw his face twist in surprise.  `Shit!' I
thought, `That wasn't what I meant ... or was it?'
     "Ben, I'm sorry," I said as I leaned forward onto my knees and
lifted his chin.  "That came out wrong, okay?  I didn't mean it like
that.  What I meant was ...."  I dropped my words, suddenly at a loss
for an explanation.  "I ... I don't know what I meant, bud.  Just ...
sorry.  I need some coffee."
     I released his chin when I received no response and stood up
with a sigh.  I felt Joel's eyes on me, but ignored them as I walked
from the room.  I glanced into the boys' room and verified that Chris
and Timmy and Mau were still there, then walked to the study to check
on Cody.  He remained asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped
tightly around his chest.  I pulled a light blanket from the basket
at the end of the couch and covered him then made my way to the
kitchen.
     The coffee dripped into the decanter and I watched it while my
thoughts drifted to the boys' reaction after Ranus called with the
news.  Timmy had started to cry and buried his head in Mau's chest.
As usual, Mau remained silent and surprisingly so did Chris.  No one
but Timmy shed any tears though I could tell both Ben and Cody were
on the verge.  Cleats had paced around the room continuing with his
assertion that Mauricio never used drugs and that this had all been
Ice's doing.  Cody finally left the room having remained silent
himself.  Timmy's crying continued and Joel moved over to where Mau
and Timmy sat.  Without thinking, Joel had reached towards Mau to rub
his shoulder in comfort and Mau lurched back from his hand releasing
Timmy.  I watched as fear had filled Mau's eyes as they darted from
Joel to me.  Joel jerked his hand back in realization of what he'd
inadvertently done.  His words of apology and repeated assurance that
he was sorry seemed to ease Mau's building and apparent desire to
flee.  Cleats had noticed the exchange and switched from his
grumblings long enough to chastise Mau for being such a baby.  Chris
and Ben had glared at Cleats and Chris told Mau to come on over by
him were he sat on the mattress and leaned against the bed.  He also
told Mau to chill out, but he'd followed it with his own assurance
that Joel would never hurt him.
     The boys hadn't wanted to talk much after that, so Joel and I
said goodnight and told them to come wake us up if they needed
anything.  And now I realized, as I stared at the slowly filling pot,
that even with the bedroom door open, I hadn't heard Cleats leave.  I
blamed myself as much as either one of the boys.  While I laid in bed
later, my mind kept trying to wrap its thought around Mau's terrified
response and visceral fear towards Joel's touch.  Joel had muttered
repeatedly that he knew better than to try and touch Mau and had
finally drifted to sleep.
     As I came out of my thoughts, I was slightly startled to realize
there was another presence leaning next to me against the counter.  I
looked over to find Ben's blue eyes studying me intently.  I offered
him a weak grin, but remained silent.
     "Fu Man said we needed to kiss and make up," he said with a
smirk and a roll of his eyes.  "I told him I wasn't kissing no guy,
no matter how hunky they were."
     I think it was the roll of his eyes more than his words that
caused me to chuckle.  "You can stop calling me hunky anytime now,
pup.  I'm not built that well, you know."
     Ben grinned.  "I don't know man.  When you came into the room
without your shirt and just your whities on when Ranus called, your
muscles sure were all over the place.  I think even Cleats was
impressed.  And I know both Chris and Cody threw wood.  That's why
Cody got up and left, cause he was worried you'd see it."
     I chuckled then sigh resignedly.  "Sorry.  I wasn't thinking."
     "Don't be.  I know Chris and Cody loved it and it makes me want
to use Joel's workout stuff.  Do you think he'd show me some Kung Fu
moves?"
     My nod and grin brought a brightening to Ben's face.  "So when
did you join Cody on the couch?"
     He shrugged.  "When I couldn't get Cleats to stay here.  I could
tell Cody was cold so I got behind him to warm him up.  I couldn't go
back to sleep myself."
     "You two looked pretty comfortable together when I came in
looking for you.  Have you always slept together like that?"
     He suddenly looked uncertain as he shrugged in response to my
question.  "I don't know.  Maybe."
     I jumped to ease his apparent discomfort.  "It's okay, Ben.  I
didn't mean anything by it."  I lightly bumped my shoulder into his
then grabbed a couple of coffee mugs and set them in front of the
almost full pot.  When I turned back to Ben, he was rubbing his
thumbnail again his middle fingernail in focused study.
     Quietly he spoke to me without looking up.  "I like him next to
me when I sleep.  He sometimes tries stuff with me, but I ... I don't
want that shit and he knows it.  But he always tries it anyway and
tells me he loves me."
     That surprised me.  It wasn't what he said that surprised me,
because I'd already suspected as much, but the fact that Ben would
open up enough to share it with me lightened the heaviness I was
feeling after our earlier tension in the bedroom.  I turned back to
the pot and quickly filled our cups then brought them with me and
leaned again next to him.  He smelled the aroma then sipped the hot
liquid gingerly.
     After my first sip, I turned my head to him halfway.  "And what
do you say to him when he tells you that he loves you?"
     He quickly looked at me then returned his eyes to his cup.  "I
tell him I love him back."
     My eyebrows lifted in surprise.
     "I'm not gay, Blair.  I just ... like hangin' close to him when
I sleep.  I like him in my arms, you know, but that doesn't make me
gay, man."
     "I know it doesn't, Ben and I believe you when you say you're
not gay.  But just so you know, it would be all right with me if you
were, okay?"
     The slight nod was all I received in response and I decided to
shift the conversation.  "Do you have any idea what Mau's response to
Joel trying to touch him was all about?  Has he shared anything at
all with you about what's happened to him?"
     "Nothing, Blair.  Honest."  I could see the slight relief in him
that I wanted to talk about something other than him and Cody.  "The
only thing he's said after all our questions was the one word answer
of `Maui' when we asked him where he was from.  It took him at least
a month to let us touch him without jumping."
     "So just `Maui' after over two months together with you guys?
Incredible.  My heart just hurts when I think about what could have
caused his silence."
     "Well, one time he did yell out `no' when Cody grabbed his dick
when he was standing in his underwear once.  I didn't see it happen,
but I think that Cody was trying to do him and Mau fuckin' almost
punched him.  They're cool now, but I thought Mau was gonna leave
after that.  Chris yelled at Cody and Cody apologized."  He drank
again from his cup then mumbled something I didn't hear.
     "What was that?"
     "I said, he had a lot of bruises.  When he showed up on the
streets, they were all over his arms and body.  I think he was beaten
up pretty badly and you can't see `em anymore, but his arms were all
scraped up and shit.  Chris stole some medicine cream and stuff and
after he put it on him, Mau cried and Chris hugged him.  For a long
time, Chris was the only one that could touch him."
     I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or that I was simply
saturated with the continuous drama that seemed to keep leaking from
these boys, but I wanted to run away somewhere.  It was all just so
real.  Then my will to help them returned and before I could stop
myself, I threw my arm around Ben and pulled him close to me in a one-
armed hug.  He didn't try to pull away.
     "Can you see why we worry so much about you guys being out there
alone?  What's happened to you and to Chris and Mau and all of them,
can happen again because there are horrible people out there that
want nothing more than to get their fucking hands on you.  Do you see
that, Ben?"
     I released my hug and moved to stand before him.  He watched me
intently as I placed my hands on his shoulder and dipped my head
towards him.  "Ben, I ... I know it's only been a few days since we
met, but I would lose it completely if anything happened to any of
you ... you especially."
     I tucked his hair behind his ear and tried to offer him a smile.
"Please, promise me that you'll let us know where you are when you're
outside this apartment.  Please?"
     He slowly nodded towards me repeatedly as he returned my intense
look.  Then he surprised me and pulled me into an unyielding, tight
hug.  He mumbled something into my shoulder, but refused to repeat it
when I asked what he said.  His body felt so small and thin in my
arms, so fragile.  I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind.
     "You hungry?  You need to eat something."  He shook his head and
continued to hold me tightly.  "You're safe, my bud.  All of you are
now and if you'll let us, we'll do everything we can to keep you that
way, okay?"  I felt his head nod into my shoulder.  I stroked the
back of his hair and reveled in the satisfying and right feeling of
holding him close -- offering him safety and love.
     I had never thought much about having children of my own.  The
desire to raise kids had only been a passing thought previously, even
when I'd been in a couple of fairly satisfying relationships.  But I
suddenly knew, without a doubt, that I loved this kid that I held in
my arms and would do anything to make him happy.  I kissed the side
of his head and pulled back from his hug.
     "Boy, you sure know how to give a good hug!  Thanks for that.  I
really needed it about now."
     Ruby blush covered his face, but he grinned widely at me.  "You
and the Fu Man are so cool, Blair.  I'm sorry I didn't keep Cleats
here."
     I tucked another stray lock behind his ear.  "That's not your
job, bud.  Okay?  We'll talk to Cleats when he gets back.  Now, are
you sure you're not hungry?  I think your ribs left marks in my
flesh."
     Before he could answer, I heard Cody's voice behind me.
     "Forget about him.  I'm hungry."
     I turned to look at him and laughed.  Even with his new cut, his
hair still looked un-kept.  He stood in his boxers and t-shirt in the
doorway leading from the hall.  The front of his shorts was tented
with a morning erection that he seemed oblivious to.
     "Damn, Codes," Ben scoffed playfully.  "Go take a piss or
something."
     Cody rolled his eyes and yawned.  "It's just a boner, Bone.  Get
over it."
     I laughed again and rolled my own eyes in exaggeration at Ben.
"Yeah, Bone.  It's just a boner."  I turned and grinned at Cody.  "So
you want some waffles?"

*   *   *   *

     Joel and I waited in the hallway as the doctor finished a hushed
conversation with his Nurse Practioner, Mary.  A loud, terrified
shout fifteen minutes ago had caused us to lurch towards the study
door where Marc Prentice, his nurse and Mau were convened for Mau's
examination.  When we arrived, we found Prentice and Mary kneeling
next to Mau's inert form.  Because of Mau's fears, Mary had been
performing the examination and when she approached Mau with the
syringe to begin taking the four samples of blood, he jumped off of
the makeshift exam table screaming and backing into a coffee table.
Prentice had grabbed for him trying to stop his fall and Mau had
screamed again then blacked out.
     Once I had herded the boys out of the doorway, Prentice and Mary
had taken the needed blood and Joel had helped to remove Mau's
clothing.  His body revealed a horror story by its scars.  Between
his legs and on his scrotum and buttocks were cigarette burns, now
healed, but leaving the evidence of brutal abuse behind.  His anus
showed signs of significant tearing, again now healed.  But the
initial examination of his urethra caused Prentice to become alarmed
and Joel and I to become livid with rage.  The scaring to his urethra
showed that some undetermined object had been forced up the tube
leaving Prentice to suspect that Mau currently had and would most
likely have for the rest of his life if corrective surgery were not
attempted, problems urinating without pain.  Ben had confirmed that
he'd witnessed many times that Mau would wince in pain when they
urinated next to each other.
     Now, standing in the hallway, the indisputable fact that Mau had
been raped repeatedly caused my heart and gut to twist with blinding
rage.  I held Joel as his face remained blank and very pale.  We
looked into each other's eyes and vowed silently that we would find
the bastards that had done this to Mau.  Our foreheads touched and I
was able to feel Joel's presence intimately.  We exchanged no words,
but our commitment to each other and to the boys renewed itself ten
times over.
     By the time Prentice exited the room, we'd been able to bury our
rage beneath promises of love and togetherness.  Chris remained in
the room with Mau's head in his lap.  His hands -- gently stroking
Mau's spiked, black hair -- moved in a soft, soothing rhythm, humming
some nameless tune.
     "I can have initial results from the blood test by this
afternoon.  My pull alone at the hospital should be enough, but if I
need it Joel, I'll call for your added weight.  We've cultured his
penis, anus and mouth, just like we did with Chris, Ben and Cody and
will do with the last boy . uh ."
     "Cleats.  He's here now and is waiting for you when ever you're
ready."  Joel explained.
     "Good," Prentice continued.  "I know that you know this and
probably do not need to hear it from me again, but Mau needs some
intense psychotherapy beginning yesterday.  His reaction, combined
with the blatant evidence of repeated rape, is indicative of a
fractured psyche."
     "Do you mean a split personality?"  I asked.
     "No.  Sorry.  In layman's terms, I mean that he has been through
a psychological trauma that has caused him to break from reality and
withdraw from the basic, human function of interacting with other
humans - most obviously displayed by his refusal to speak and
compounded by his refusal to relate any personal information about
himself to even the other boys.  To me, it's amazing that he even
lets the other boys touch him or that he's becomes part of the quote
`pack'."
     Joel nodded.  "Bill was going to come over today to meet the
boys.  He told me that he knows of a female associate that used to
specialize with psychological trauma in children.  She teaches now as
a part-time substitute because she said she'd seen too much, but has
agreed to meet with Mau at least for an evaluation."
     "Good.  The sooner the better, Joel."  He looked at both of us
and paused before he continued.  "I take it you're going to find out
who did this to him?"
     Joel nodded and Prentice tipped his head slowly in acceptance of
the unspoken, though predetermined, outcome.  "Well then," he
continued, "why don't we get a blood sample from both of you so we
can hopefully see about you two getting rid of those nasty condoms?"
     "Sounds good to me," I said.  Joel blushed.
     Prentice chuckled at Joel's response.  "That's cute, Joel.  I
still can't believe that the great Joel Summers woke up one day and
decided to become a fag.  Who'd of guessed."  His grin remained tight
on his lips, but spoke volumes about the closeness the two of them
shared.
     My face burst into a well-needed smile.
     "Don't start with the fag stuff, Marc.  We're trying to get the
boys, Cleats and Ben especially, to use other names."  A grin
accented his shaking head as he winked at Marc.  "So you never
thought I'd join the ranks, eh?  Why not?  I'm surprised that you
never made a pass at me knowing your predilection for tall, dark and
handsome men."
     Marc grinned widely as he turned towards the study.  "You're
joking, right?  Even if I'd thought there was a chance, you were
wound so fucking tightly that I figured you were best left up to some
other poor soul to terrorize."  He glanced at me as he opened the
door and winked.  "My condolences, Blair."

     I sat in the media room and watched as Ben and Cody teamed up
against Chris and a very subdued Mau in a racecar match on the video
game.  Prentice and his nurse had finished with Cleats and Joel was
showing them out.  Joel stopped by to whisper that he was going to
talk with Cleats and I nodded, thankful that Joel was going to handle
Cleats' middle-of-the-night departure.  I was happy just sitting on
the couch watching the race.  Timmy had draped himself over the arms
of the large, leather chair while he read through one of Joel's books
on becoming a pilot.  Ben's car crashed and I watched as Chris and
Mau tapped their fists together in triumph.
     I yawned.  My too brief interlude with the sandman was catching
up with me and it was only a little after ten in the morning.  I had
a conference call at eleven with our Chicago team about the shipping
firm acquisition and looked into my empty coffee cup.  `I need more
caffeine,' I mused randomly.
     Standing, I grinned as Ben and Cody launched to their feet in a
happy dance over Chris' demise on the roadway then headed for the
kitchen and the promised, temporary relief from my weariness.
     A loud shout of `Fuck You' startled me and I launched down the
hall towards the study.
     Cleats stood in the doorway, his fists were clenched and the
veins in his neck flared rigidly beneath his brown skin.  "You ain't
my fuckin' father, man.  I'm gone."
     He turned from the door as I arrived and nearly charged into me.
"Out of my way, Blair.  Your man's made it clear I'm just fuckin'
baggage."  He hissed his anger and vehemence as he tried to step
around me.
     My mind spun at the hurt contained in his voice and without
thinking, I grabbed him by the shoulders and held him tightly in
front of me.  He struggled to get away as his anger surged.
     "Cleats stop!  You can't leave.  You just got here.  What
happened?"
     Joel appeared at the door.  His face contained a mix of rigid
anger and regret.  "I did not call you baggage, nor do I want you to
leave.  I asked you nicely to simply let us know what you're doing
and where you're going."
     "Bullshit, man!  That's a fuckin' lie.  What about yanking me
outta here so fast my head'll spin?  Huh?  What about that?"
     "I said that if the judge finds out that I don't know where you
are, he'll yank you out of here so fast that it'll make your head
spin.  That goes for all of you.  I'm trying to avoid that, Clayton.
I want you here, but you have to respect our wishes on this point."
His voice rose as the passion from his anger and regret surged forth.
     I turned to see the other boys standing at the end of the
hallway watching Joel and Cleats shout at each other.  I waved for
them to head back to what they were doing, then threw my arm around
Cleats and prodded him back into the study, closing the door behind
us.
     "Get your hands off me, man," Cleats growled, "before I have to
hurt you."
     I sighed and released him as I found his words too ludicrous to
bear.  I chuckled at him with a wide grin.
     "What's so funny, white boy?"
     "Cleats?  I'm what, five-foot, eleven and a hundred and ninety
pounds and you're maybe five nine and all of a hundred and fifty
pounds?"
     "So?  I could still hurt you."
     "And why would you want to do that, Cleats?"
     "Nobody touches me without my permission, especially no white
faggots."
     "Quit with the race shit, Cleats.  Does it really matter to you
that Joel and I are white?  Or is what's really bugging you that we
are asking that you let us know where you are and what you're doing?"
     He looked at Joel with a jut of his chin accenting his words.
"Like I told the man over there, you ain't my father and I didn't
listen to that fake nigga either.  Always tellin' me what to do.
Fuck him and fuck you guys, too."
     Joel's flat voice crossed the short distance between us from
where he leaned against the edge of the desk with his arms folded
across his chest.  "Let me spell something out for you, Clayton.  If
you're going to stay here with us, and I certainly hope you choose to
do so, you will show us respect and stop calling us faggots or
telling us to 'fuck off'.  And you'll let us know what you're doing.
I won't have it any other way.  Do I make myself clear, Clayton?"
     I stared at Joel open-mouthed, trying to figure out why he was
taking such a rigid stand with Cleats and why he was using such a
commanding voice.  What happened to trying a subtler, more persuasive
and understanding approach?
     "Don't call me Clayton, man."  He said while looking sideways at
Joel.  His face was half turned from us as he looked at the carpet.
     "I'll call you Clayton any time you're acting like an angry,
petulant child."  His stance remained rigid yet relaxed.  "Now, I
asked if I made myself clear to you.  Did I?"
     Cleats snapped his head to look towards Joel and his eyes glared
briefly at him before I saw the anger slowly begin to fade.  He
nodded once towards Joel and dipped his head in a capitulating
gesture.  Then, quietly, he whined.  "Man!"
     "Good.  Thank you."
     Cleats looked at him again, this time his eyes contained
surprise, but he remained quiet.
     Joel dropped his arms and placed his hands next to his hips on
the edge of the desk.  "I want you to hear me say this, Cleats.  You
are as important to me as anyone of your boys that are probably
huddled outside of the door listening.  Blair and I didn't just want
to help Ben and figured that we had to take all of you out of
default.  From the point that I drove home with Ben from the police
station last Friday night and heard about the seven of you living in
that building, I wanted to help all of you.  And that means you too,
Cleats.  Blair is right.  You need to forget about the color issue if
you can.  I have zero idea what it is like to be black and growing up
in this country, but please try and see that we don't see the color
of your skin - we see that you're a fifteen year-old, good looking
young man with a tremendous amount of potential."
     "Yeah?  What potential, Fu Man?  The only potential I got is
that I can run fast.  And that ain't going to get me anywhere."
     I discreetly grinned at his usage of Ben's name for Joel and I
watched as the corner of my lover's mouth twitched at the sound of
the name.
     "Your potential is unlimited, Cleats.  You can do and make of
yourself, with or without our help, anything you put your mind and
heart to.  It all starts with your education and from there, you can
go and do anything you want.  Dr. Prentice said you plagued him with
questions about what he was doing as he checked you over and what he
was going to do with your blood and urine samples.  You want to be a
doctor?  Great!  We'll help you be one.  Maybe a sports doctor or a
researcher or a businessman like Blair and me.  It doesn't matter
what you want to be, Cleats.  You just have to believe in yourself
enough to not give up.  That's what potential is all about and the
little bit I've seen of you, you're loaded with potential."
     "You're saying you're gonna help me go to college to become a
doctor?"  His voice overflowed with disbelief.  "Bullshit, man.  You
guys are nice and all, but that's just fuckin' bullshit.  Nobody's
that nice, especially to a black . to someone they don't know."
     "I'm not bullshitting you, Cleats.  Whether you guys stay
connected with us at Blair's house or not, as long as you keep
trying, we're going to see that you have what you need to succeed in
whatever you want to do.  You want to have your own auto repair
garage?  Great.  It'll have everything you need to get started.  You
want to be a dancer in a Broadway musical?  Great.  You'll have the
best dance lessons money can buy.  Cleats, we can't do it for you,
but we can help you along the way."
     "You're serious."  His eyes darted to mine to see if he could
tell through me that Joel was telling the truth.
     I simply looked back at him as Joel continued.
     "Think about it, Cleats.  There's no hurry to make up your mind.
I hope you'll be with us for a long time to come."  Joel stood as he
finished his last words and approached Cleats with a smile on his
face.  He reached his hand towards Cleats and his smile dropped into
a grin when Cleats returned the shake.  They bumped fists to finish
then Joel's grin faded.
     "I know I'm not you're father, Cleats.  But if you'll let me,
I'd like to act as your father might have if things had been
different.  I understand that you need your freedom and because of
that and before you got a little huffy with me, I was going to see
what you thought about us getting you your own cell phone so that you
can stay in touch with us when you're out in the world doing your
'Cleats' thing."
     A slow grin spread his lips widely.  "That'd be a'ight.  That
way I wouldn't be pissin' the Fu Man off all the time."
     "Exactly what I was thinking."  Joel laughed.  "No more late
night disappearances, right?"
     "I'll do my best, man," he grinned.  Joel raised his eyebrows to
make his point and Cleats raised his fist towards Joel for another
bump.  "I'm just shittin' with ya, man.  No more late night
disappearances."
     "Good.  Then why don't you go get something to eat now that
you've had your blood drawn?  The rest of the guys had waffles after
their exam."
     "Now that you mention it," he grinned and rubbed his stomach.
"Sorry I got so hot back there.  Thanks for being cool."
     As Cleats headed for the kitchen I turned towards Joel and
raised my hands in question.  "How did you know that what he needed
was discipline and structure?"
     Joel tipped his head to the side in a slight shrug.  "I just
figured that he really didn't want the trouble he was making for
himself and really liked it here.  I'm not sure of everything that
happened with him and his father in Chicago, but he isn't fucked up
yet.  No one with as good and honest of eyes as he has can be fucked
up.  I'm glad I listened to my gut."
     "Me too, Fu Man."
     Joel laughed.  "Don't you start too!"   He pulled me into his
arms and kissed me with more love and tenderness than I've ever felt
from another person in my life.  The kiss grew more passionate and I
reveled in the feel of Joel's muscular body in my arms.  Just as my
hands fell and grabbed Joel's butt, I heard a voice behind me.
     "Go for it, Blair."
     We pulled our lips apart and looked to see Cody grinning from
the doorway.
     "And what can we do for you, you under-aged peeping Tom?"  I
smirked.
     "Bone and I kicked Chris and Mau from here to Indy in the race
and we wanted to take you and Joel on next."
     I laughed.  "I bet they weren't too happy, but sorry, kiddo.  I
have a phone conference with Chicago in fifteen minutes and I too
need to get something to eat first."
     "I'll take you on.  Timmy or Cleats can be my partner."
     Cody's face lit up.  "Cool!  You're terrible at it.  We're gonna
kick your butt, Fu Man."
     Joel shook his head and groaned.

*   *   *   *

     I'm not sure when the tears began.

     The quiet in the apartment stood out in contrast to the
seemingly constant activity of the last four days.  I sat in the
living room and stared through the floor-to-ceiling windows at the
blue, late-April sky.  Joel had left on a mission to find cell phones
for the boys and I used the time alone to take a long run down the
Highline Canal, further pushing the near exhaustion I felt after very
little sleep.
     The events of the past twelve or thirteen hours since Cleats
received his middle-of-the-night phone call from Ranus left me
drained and incapable of doing anything else but sit in front of the
window and watch the clouds go by.  Unfortunately, there were no
clouds to watch, just the perfect Colorado blue sky.  Actually,
clouds may have been too stimulating for me at this point.
     Bill and the boys were out seeing the latest Eddie Murphy movie.
He'd shown up around one o'clock, dressed in cargo shorts that
reached below his knees and a baggy, worn t-shirt with a faded UCLA
emblem across the chest.  His ball cap sat reversed on his head while
a pair of throwback, wire rim glasses with blue lenses rested mid-way
down his nose.
     He shook hands with Joel upon entering and told me that he was
glad to meet the person worthy enough to make Joel gush like a
schoolgirl.  He led the way to the media room then stopped in the
doorway and scanned the room.  After roughly ten seconds, he nodded
to himself and entered while Joel and I remained at the door.  He
said hello to the boys and told them that while his name was Bill the
Evil Houseparent, they could just called him Bill.  Cody and Mau
looked at each other as if to say the guy was weird and Timmy and Ben
grinned.  Chris appraised him from head to toe then said hello.
Cleats continued to sleep on the couch.
     He didn't ask them their names, but it became readily apparent
that he knew who each one was.  He sat on the floor next to Cody and
Mau and asked them by name if they knew about the secret door out of
the maze on the game they were currently playing.  Within about five
minutes, he had Cody telling him why he called Ben by the nickname
Bone and Tim had moved closer to him, grinning happily.  Before Joel
and I headed to the study, I saw a wide grin on Mau's face after Bill
swatted Cleats' leg to wake him up because he was snoring.
     Fifteen minutes later, they left in search of cheeseburgers and
fries.  Joel's easy and comfortable grin caused my own feelings of
comfort to rise.

     And now I sat there with a twisted smile on my lips and tears
rolling down my cheeks.  I held my cell phone in one hand while my
other hand rested in my lap.  Joel's phone call fifteen minutes
earlier, promising that he would be home in twenty minutes, remained
predominant in my thoughts.  Marc Prentice had called with the
preliminary HIV results from Chris, Cody, Ben and Mau's samples.
Chris, Cody and Ben were negative.  Mau was not.
     Joel passed on the meaningless reminder from Prentice that the
samples would be tested again, the full test results would be
available within three days, and that there had been many false
positive results in the past.  But ... it was all meaningless to me.
He was only 16.

*   *   *   *

     Raw, stunned shock, followed closely by ultimate delight,
flooded the room when the boys returned home and found six cell
phones lined up on the breakfast bar.  Their faces glowed with
excitement as they each grabbed the phone identified with their names
on sticky notes.  In the three hours since Joel came home, the phones
had received their initial charge and he'd programmed each of the
other phones with the six boys' numbers along with our contact
information.  The equipment was ready to go.
     The only negative part of the whole experience was when they
realized that the only people they wanted to or could call and share
their excitement about the phones with were standing in the room.
But that only stopped them for a brief moment.  Within minutes, the
apartment filled with the sounds of ringing phones and it became
clear that individualized ring tones would be needed to tell the
phones apart when a call came in.  Joel had also purchased colored
faceplates and surprisingly, none of the boys minded the color chosen
for them.  Joel had chuckled to me when I mentioned it and he assured
me that it would only be a matter of time.
     After the initial surprise and excitement faded and the boys
became lost in programming their phones with distinctive features,
Bill shared with us something that had happened outside of the
theatre.
     They had arrived at the complex, which was part of the 16th
Street pedestrian mall in the heart of downtown Denver, about fifteen
minutes prior to the start of the movie.  Ben and Cody recognized two
other teenage boys loitering outside the theatre entrance and walked
over to talk with them while Bill and the rest of them bought
tickets.  Once inside the theatre, Bill bought drinks for the boys.
He said that he watched as Cody and Ben bought four hotdogs and a
large container of popcorn.  Initially, he shared that he was
surprised, as they'd both just finished double cheeseburgers and
enormous orders of French fries.  Then as the rest of the boys headed
into the theatre, he hung back and watched as Cody and Ben took the
food out to their friends who started eating immediately.  Ben gave
the teens what money he had in his pocket and then they walked by
Bill, both consciously avoiding his gaze as though they were
embarrassed.
     "I didn't say anything to them and they didn't mention it to me
as we walked back here after the show," Bill said.  "But I have to
tell you, it was the most selfless act of kindness that I've
witnessed in many years."  He looked at me then shifted his gaze
towards Joel.  "With the exception of what you two are doing now."
     My eyes clouded with tears.  The sheer intensity of the past 15
hours coupled with my own fears of inadequacy about meeting Joel's
need and the needs of the boys, flooded me initially with
overwhelming emotion, but ultimately, fiercely, the resolve I'd made
to remain in control in front of the boys kicked in.
     "No!"  I exclaimed forcefully under my breath.  I clenched my
eyes shut tightly as my fists balled up determinedly.
     Joel, watching my reaction to Bill's story, clasped my thigh
gently and then softly kissed my cheek.  "It's okay, Love."
     Bill observed our interaction; a concerned expression etched his
face.  I saw him wait patiently from his chair, opposite of where we
sat next to each other on the couch, for an explanation.  I was out
of words.  I couldn't muster the energy that was needed to relate the
news about Mau.  I could only look at him through the thin sheen of
moisture that covered my eyes.
     Joel sighed as he took my hand in his.  "Prentice called.  Mau
is HIV positive."
     His jaw clenched visibly and his head rose, slowly and in a
controlled movement, then dropped down once.  That movement comprised
his whole response as I watched Joel's words sink into his processing
mind.
     A minute passed.
     Bill's gaze slowly shifted from Joel to me, then back again to
Joel.
     "Are you two ready for this?"
     Instinctively, I knew that Bill's question wasn't about Mau's
condition, but about Joel and me as a new couple.  Amazed, I stared
back at him as his gaze bore into mine.  The question darted randomly
through my mind.  'Are we ready for this ... as a couple?  Is any
couple every ready to set their relationship in the back seat and
make others more important?'   I didn't find a ready answer and so I
continued to stare back at him.  'Did I need Joel to answer this
question ... be the leader ... be the All Star that is constantly
ready for anything?'  A little over two months had passed since he
first walked into the restaurant and sat at the bar, rigid and
drained of passion.  Through a miracle, I was allowed to join him in
his life and on his path; he joined mine as well -- readily and with
utter devotion.  The past month literally roared by as we embraced
each other on a day-to-day, hour-by-hour journey into the truth of
what comprised us as individuals -- and what possibly sustained us as
a couple.
     To turn and look at him now, sitting next to me with his big,
brown eyes filled with a single question, was the extent of what it
took to propel the answer readily upward above the endlessly tossing
sea of dramas.  The simple answer flowed from my lips.
     "If I have you next to me, regardless of the tumult whirling
around us, I am complete and whole and unconquerably ready.  I have
waited my entire life for you to be here, next to me, in this moment.
I know you are ready for this too."
     His eyes welled with clear surety.  He wiped the corner of his
eyelid and looked at the moisture that covered his fingertip.
Surprise and awe filled his expression.  Then, still staring at his
interrupted tear, he spoke to me as his face lifted into a smile.
"For a second time in a month, I have tears in my eyes.  The first
time came on the plane when I received the incredible gift of your
consent for us to spend our lives together."  He turned his body to
face me and, reaching towards me with both hands, gently touched my
cheeks.  His touch . his caress, reached into my soul.  "And now you
fill me with the most complete feeling of joy I've known.  I am
complete with you.  I am Atlas."
     Slowly and with delicate, intimate purpose, he brushed his lips
against mine.  Our noses touched.  Our eyes locked.  Our love
authenticated itself into a living, breathing being.
     "Fuck me!"  Bill swore quietly.  "I gotta get me some of that!
What you two have going is so fucking real and strong that . that . I
have no doubt you're ready for what ever comes your way.  Shit!"
     Joel kissed me quickly once, then turned to Bill with a silly
grin.  "Isn't he just fucking amazing, Bill?  He's gone through the
last month, effortlessly treading around and over and through every
single challenge my life naturally ejects and then . I bring six,
desperately needy kids into our lives and he goes with it with barely
a blink of his eyes -- after barely a fucking month with me!"
     Joel grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips.  I laughed for
the utter inability to absorb or contain another single feeling or
thought.  I felt like I would explode if I didn't.
     "I need for you to underwrite the research into some kind of
device that I can wear on my body that will fill me with your essence
when you're physically not with me.  If you could only see me when
you're not around, my love.  I'm amazing, all right -- I'm a fucking
amazing mess!"  My laughter continued as he pulled me close to him
and wrapped me in his arms.
     "I've already given it to you, Mr. Michaels.  I have one too."
     He stroked the ring he'd given me on the return trip from Paris.
His touch caused a tremendous sigh of realization to well from me.
My smile, weary from the day and all the emotion we'd experienced,
relaxed onto my face and into my heart.
     "So you have, Mr. Summers.  Thanks.  I needed the reminder."
     I turned towards Bill and looked at the smirk in his eyes.
"Thank you for helping us to see just what we mean to each other.  It
was truly what we needed right now.  You too are amazing."
     He grinned and gave me a quick nod.  Then I continued.
     "But enough of this mushy stuff.  Bill, we obviously need more
help from you than just helping us to raise these boys.  What do we
do now?  Do we tell Mau?  Do we tell the other boys?"
     He nodded again as Joel and I untangled ourselves from each
other and turned to face him squarely.  "Yes.  You need to tell Mau.
And now is the best time to do it.  From what I've seen, he'll be
very reluctant to be alone with the two of you, understandably so.  I
might suggest that you have Ben or Chris with you for a couple of
reasons -- one, so that Mau doesn't feel threatened and double-teamed
and two, because he'll need support and a reassuring hug and he won't
be able to receive that from either of you."
     Joel and I both nodded as we saw the wisdom in his approach.
     "I think we need to add Cody to the mix," Joel said.  "We can
talk to all four of them at the same time."
     "That'll work even better, Joel."
     Joel looked at me and took a deep breath.  "I guess there's no
better time than now.  Ready, love?"
     I shook my head.  "No, but we have to do it."
     "Good," Bill said.  "I'll go with you and say goodbye to all of
them.  I've promised to come over tomorrow and show them a couple of
secrets about a few of the Xbox games.  Plus, Chris and I have a
discussion on religious semantics to finish.  He's quite intelligent,
if you haven't already guessed."
     Joel raised his eyebrows as we turned to look for the boys.

     Our plan of speaking with the four boys separate from the others
didn't go quite as we imagined it.  Joel found Chris and Cody in the
media room with Ben and Timmy.  Cleats and Mau were text messaging
each other on their phones in the bedroom.  When I asked Mau if he
would join Chris, Cody, Ben and Joel in the study, Cleats picked up
on Mau's hesitance and told Mau that he'd come along for the ride.  A
similar event happened with Joel and the others.
     In the end, the eight of us converged on the study.
     "Look, guys.  Blair and I really just wanted to talk with Cody,
Mau, Ben and Chris right now.  It's pretty personal stuff, you know.
I promise we'll catch up with you when we're finished."
     "Look, Fu Man," Cody said, "we know this is about the doctor and
shit, so just spill it.  If the four of us are going to die from some
terrible disease, then we all need to hear about it at the same
time."
     Chris nodded, as did the others.  Joel and I looked at each
other and realized that the choice was up to the boys.  Joel sighed.
     "All right, then."  He gestured to the couch.  "Have a seat."
     Timmy, Ben and Cody sat on the couch while the other dropped to
the floor in front of it.  Joel and I took the chairs that sat
opposite of the boys.
     "Cody, you're right.  This does have to do with Dr. Prentice.
     "Told ya," Cody mumbled.
     "Yes," Joel continued, giving me a quick glance.  "In light of
certain things you've shared with us," he used his hand to encompass
all six boys with his statement, "we asked Dr. Prentice to put a rush
on the blood tests for the four of you.  I don't mean to embarrass
any of you, but the four of you have, voluntarily or against your
will, had unprotected anal sex."
      Chris and Cody nodded while Ben blushed and dropped his head.
Cody took his hand in his own, giving it a squeeze of support.  Mau
stared blankly at Joel, conveying no emotion.  Joel continued as he
looked into Mau's eyes.  "Mau, I'm sorry.  We had the doctor check
you out this morning when you were ... uh, after you fainted.  What
he found caused the three of us to realize that ... um, we needed to
rush your tests also."
     Mau's gaze didn't vary.  He continued to stare unwaveringly
across the distance between himself and Joel.  I saw the other boys
glance towards him with a mixture of questioning looks.  His eyes
looked back at Joel flatly.
     "Please forgive me ... us ... for invading your privacy without
your permission.  I can only ask that you believe that it was never
our intention to do so."
     When Joel received no indication or response from Mau, he took a
deep breath and let it out slowly.  "I'm so sorry, Mau.  Your
preliminary blood test came back HIV positive."
     Mau blinked repeatedly as he continued to stare at Joel.  He
nodded slightly a couple of times.
     "Fuck!"  Cleats swore.
     Chris, who was sitting next to Mau, went to put his arm around
Mau's shoulders, but Mau shrugged off the hug and looked at the
carpet.
     Timmy turned to Cody.  "Does that mean Mau's gonna die?"
     Cody shook his head firmly.  "No!"  He exclaimed quietly,
forcefully, but his eyes filled with tears.  Ben's eyes glistened
also.
     "Everybody, listen to me.  We will get the full test results
back on Friday, okay?  You three tested negatively and Mau ... we'll
know more then, okay?"
     Mau looked up to Joel and nodded again.  His face betrayed
little emotion as his gaze drifted to me.  I dropped to my knees from
the chair and leaned towards him.
     "It's gonna be okay, Mau.  We'll be right beside you whenever
you need us to be.  And so will your boys.  I want to give you a hug
right now badly, but only if you want one."
     He shook his head definitively then leaned against Chris.  I
smiled gently at him and watched as Chris laid his arm loosely on
Mau's shoulders.

*   *   *   *

     I lay with my head in Joel's lap.
     I'd just returned to the study after checking on the boys.
Chris, Cody and Ben were on the terrace, leaning against the railing
wall looking out across the city.  They were silent and lost in their
thoughts as I stood in the open doorway leading from the living room.
Cleats and Timmy were watching a movie and Mau lay on his mattress in
the bedroom listening to music and playing with his cell phone.
     My half-consumed glass of wine sat on the coffee table as my
lover, whose mere presence calmed me, stroked my hair.  There were no
words needed to fill the moment.
     Dinner had been a somber event for the most part.  Joel was able
to stir up a little excitement as he talked about taking the boys
into the mountains on Thursday for a little bit of spring skiing.  I
planned to stay in the city in order to handle a video conference
with the people in Paris.
     Prior to meeting Joel, I seldom felt doubt about my abilities to
handle a situation, any situation, in which I'd inadvertently find
myself.  Business dealings were one thing and Hank had been correct
in saying that I felt like a rookie in the All Stars.  That was fine.
I could deal with being a rookie again.  But the boys were a
different story.  I'd had no lead up to this, no gradual training and
suddenly, the stakes were higher than I ever dreamed or imagined they
would be.
     I thought about how my anger had flared early this morning when
Ben had hissed that we needed to chill out and not treat them like
children.  Granted, his point had a valid side to it, but the adult
in me knew intuitively that they also desperately needed to be
treated like kids again -- shown love and discipline and be given the
chance to make mistakes and learn from them.  But what about the
mistake that I almost made?  I'd wanted to lash out at Ben and scream
that Cleats' leaving and Ben's failure to stop him was childish and
irresponsible.  Now, I knew that the main reason that I wanted to
strike back verbally at Ben was because his 'you need to fuckin'
chill out' had lacked any kind of respect that I expected to be shown
from youths towards adults.
     'Respect is earned, not instantly granted, Blair,' the voice in
my head stated firmly.
     I sighed and closed my eyes.
     "What's wrong, love?"  Joel asked, seeing my sigh and sensing my
upset.
     "I was thinking about how I almost yelled at Ben this morning in
the bedroom.  I almost lost it when in truth, that was the last thing
I wanted to do, but the overwhelming urge to rage on was definitely
present."  I looked up into his eyes and felt his hand continue to
stroke my hair.  "Joel?  I don't know if I'm cut out for this kid-
raising thing.  You handle everything so naturally, but to me,
everything is a crisis and every decision has huge stakes."
     He silently stroked my hair for a minute.  The solemn expression
on his face as he looked into my eyes spoke volumes without uttering
a word.  I saw love looking back at me as well as consummate faith.
     "I have twelve years of recent experience at this 'kid-raising'
thing, Blair.  Don't forget that.  But also, don't forget that I have
no recent experience at being in a relationship.  You do.  Together
we can do both -- help raise the boys and know a satisfying and
fulfilling relationship.  We're not going to be doing either one
alone."
     It seemed that for the hundredth time in so few days, my eyes
filled with tears.  Again, he was right and I'd forgotten that I
wasn't alone in this.  "Just so you know," I said trying to wipe the
tears from my eyes with a half smile, "I've cried more in the last
few days than I've cried in years.  These constant tears are starting
to piss me off."
     He smiled.  "I happen to like them and I'm a little envious of
your ability to show such deep emotion, love.  Please, don't hold it
back."
     His words plucked the final heart-wrenching note of the sad and
tragic opera running in my head and heart for the past few days.  The
break in my emotional dam culminated in the memory of Mau's refusal
of a hug.  Racking tears and emotion surged from me.  My tears,
accented by low sobs, fell freely.  The horrors I saw in my mind that
each of the boys had been through and that I'd seen first hand
evidence of on Mau's young body, overwhelmed my sensibilities.
     "Oh, Mau," I sobbed, my face wracked in anguish.  "I'm so
sorry!"
     I rolled my face into Joel's lap as I cried in sympathetic pain
for Mau, for all of them.  Joel pulled me tightly to him and
continued to stroke my head.  Then, his arm stilled and I heard a
soft, unfamiliar voice speaking above me.
     "Don't let Blair cry, Fu Man.  Not for me."
     I reflexively pulled my head from Joel's lap and saw Mau
standing next to the couch, his hand resting on Joel's forearm.
Tears covered my face and through them, I saw Mau's face contorted in
distress and worry.  He reached for my face and tentatively touched
his fingertips to my tears.
     "Don't cry, Blair."
     I offered him a weak smile through my tears and gently placed my
hand against his on my cheek.  I looked into his dark brown eyes
seeing only haunting resignation looking back at me.  I nodded slowly
as we shared the gaze.
     "Okay," I replied softly.
     "Thanks, Mau," Joel whispered as he drew his arm up and
encircled Mau's waist, pulling him closer to us.
     A faint smile crossed Mau's lips.

Not The End. Yet.

Comments are appreciated.   dfilchak@qwest.net

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