Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2004 17:05:13 -0600
From: Drew Filchak <dfilchak@qwest.net>
Subject: Decisions - A Continuation of the Reservations Series

NOTE:  I've noticed a problem with the format conversion for web
publishing.  The ellipse ( ...) does not always convert over and most
times drops the first and third dot, so if you see a floating dot
between words, it probably should be considered an ellipse or pause
in the thinking or dialogue.  Sorry.


Decisions
A Continuation of the Reservations Series

By Drew Filchak


     I wanted to stroke his cheek to wake him, but I stopped myself.
Granted, I'd received phenomenal affirmation from Ben the previous
morning, but after the emotional skyrockets and hellish plunges from
yesterday, I found myself a little self-conscious of any expressive
displays of affection.  I shook his shoulder gently instead.
     "Ya wanna come with me?"  I asked in a hushed voice as Ben
looked up to me with sleep-filled eyes.
     He rubbed his eyes and cheeks then nodded as he extricated
himself gently from Cody's arms.  Inwardly, I smiled as I watched him
absent-mindedly kiss Cody's forehead.  As he pulled free of his bed
partner, I heard a quiet, dissatisfied moan from Cody.  I grinned as
I watched Cody press his tented shorts one last time against Ben's
leg.
     "Someone doesn't want to let you go," I whispered.
     Ben rolled his eyes as he sat up.  "He never does," he returned
in a whisper.
     I noticed Ben's own morning expression contained in his boxers
and swallowed quickly.  The comparison between Ben's wood next to
Joel's in the morning was easily made.  But I had to admit, I thought
that Ben showed an even larger swell.  I quickly shook my head at the
thought.  'And he's only sixteen!'
     He moved to the bathroom without closing the door and I heard
the splash into the bowl.  The thought that natural parents must get
used to the sound as their kids grow up passed through my mind.   I
found the sound slightly erotic and partly wished I could have woken
him from the door.
     I grinned and turned to find Cody watching me through sleep-
filled eyes.
     "He's the hottest thing going, ain't he?"  Cody asked.
     "Yeah, he is," I said.  "But you're all about the cutest things
I've ever seen."
     Cody shrugged.  "Maybe, but Bone's just the . max."  His eyes
filled with a longing that I knew would likely never be fulfilled.
     "So why do you put yourself through the . aggravation, Codes?
He seems to be pretty clear that he's not like us and Chris."
     He rolled face-first into Ben's pillow and breathed deeply.  I
thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he rolled again onto his
back and threw his arms over his head in frustration.  "Because I
love him so much, B-man.  He's it for me.  I . I just know it.  The
first time I saw him on the street, I knew it.  He was so whacked, so
scared and all I wanted to do was grab him and lay a big, wet one on
him.  Then, man, as we started to talk, I saw him checking out this
girl and I asked him if he wanted to meet her.  He just shrugged and
said she looked just like some chick he was blitzed about.  And I
knew he was one of the liners."
     My face clouded with question.  "Liners?"
     "Straight.  Straight line."
     "Hmm."  Their lingo was a constant source of chuckles for me.
"So what did you do?"
     "The dude professed his undying love for me and I told him to
keep it in his pants."
     I whirled around to find Ben leaning against the doorway leading
from the bathroom.  His shorts no longer tented, but I couldn't help
but think that he looked like a gigolo, practiced in posing for
effect and big tips.  "Eavesdropping isn't a very cool thing, bud."
     "Fuck!"  Cody moaned and rolled over to again bury his face in
Ben's pillow.
     "C'mon, Bonehead," I said quietly to Ben.  "Throw some clothes
on.  I've already got the coffee made."
     Ben shrugged and moved to the pile of clothes next to the bed,
pulling on the same thing he wore yesterday.
     "Codes?"  Ben whispered in a plaintive voice.  When Cody refused
to roll over and look at him, he sighed and dropped his shoulders.
"C'mon, C.  You know I love you."
     Without raising his head, Cody's arm flipped up, his middle
finger extended, then he dropped it again and pulled the pillow
close.
     Ben tossed his hands out in exasperation as if to say, 'see',
then grabbed his runners and stomped out of the room.
     I moved to the bed and placed my hand on the back of Cody's
head.  I wanted to tell him that it'll all work out, but my words
were somewhat different.  "You're a catch, Cody.  Believe me."   He
quickly pulled the pillow out from under him and slammed it on top of
his head.  I didn't know if I was supposed to leave or stay.
     I dropped on the edge of the mattress and moved my hand to
stroke his back.  "You are, love.  You're cute and funny and even
sexy for a sixteen-year-old."  My voice, hushed in quiet, was meant
to soothe away a little of his hurt.  "Don't rush it.  You'll find
what you're looking for, I promise, bud.  Just . be patient, okay?"
     The one edge of the pillow was raised slightly and I tried to
peek under it with my hand, but he pulled it close again.  I rubbed
his back tenderly and felt the smooth, unblemished skin under my
touch.   "Maybe you and I should try and spend a little more time
together, just the two of us, away from the others.  I've . I've been
where you are, Codes.  I know what it's like."
     I felt his breathing pause.  He slowly pulled the pillow away
and looked at me with wet eyes.  "You're not just saying that?"
     The hope and need for my words to be the truth blazed from his
eyes.  I slowly shook my head and offered him a half smile.  "Nope.
If it tells you anything, I've cried over guys more times that I will
ever admit to any one that's not comatose."
     His tears surged at my words.  "I love him so much.  He's . "
     I smiled and nodded as my hand squeezed his neck affectionately.
My gesture broke through the physical barrier that had been in place
between us for the past week and he tentatively moved towards me.  I
pulled him into my arms as he sagged against me.
     His muffled words brought a knowing smile to my face.  "He's so
fucking cute.  I just want to kiss him, just once."
     "I know, love.  It's not fair and a real bitch, huh?"
     I felt him nod against my chest.  "He's the one that started it
all.  He pulled me to him back in the crib.  I'm not just making this
shit up, you know."
     From my peripheral vision, I saw Ben standing at the door with
two cups of coffee in his hand, watching us.  My head jerked to tell
him to move away and after a moment, he silently pulled back into the
hallway.
     "I know, Codes.  We talked about it once.  He's confused just
like a lot of teenagers are.  But you wanna know something?"
     "What?"  His voice contained the faintest glimmer of what
sounded like hope and it caused me to take a deep breath.  I didn't
want him to know the huge potential that my words offered for
disappointment, but I continued in a hushed tone.
     "You may get him to kiss you.  He may even do it on his own, but
so many times kids your age just need to try things out."  I felt him
sag again in my arms and I hurried on.  "But that doesn't mean that
there is anything wrong with you because you love him.  Loving
someone is the greatest thing you can do as a person.  And the fact
that you love Ben and are willing to go on loving him even though he
doesn't appear to love you back in the same way, is a wonderful sign
of the potential one day for you to know what real love is all about.
You will, you know . love someone who will return it back to you ten
times over.  I have no idea if that person will be Ben or not, but
simply because you are able to really love someone, I guarantee you
that you'll get your chance to experience it on the receiving end."
     I felt like I'd said too many words, but he raised his head and
looked at me like he'd actually heard what I'd said.  "Really?"
     I nodded.  "Really."
     He dropped his gaze to the side and I could see that he was
processing the concept.  "You know what, B-man?  I want him to kiss
me on his own.  I want it to be his decision, cuz then I'll know that
he's doing it because he loves me, not cuz I want him too."
     "Good.  Then that leaves you a little less hopelessly in love
and a lot more the stud that I know you are."
     He beamed his awe across the distance between us.  "You think
I'm a stud?"
     "Oh, yeah, bud.  Grade A."
     His grin widened.  "Cool."
     I leaned forward and kissed his forehead.  His face exploded
with delight.  "Just promise me one thing, stud, okay?"
     He nodded eagerly.
     "Promise me that whenever you're called to 'stud duty' that
you'll wear a raincoat, all right?"
     He rolled his eyes and smirked.  "Okay, Dad."
     I snorted.  "Good."
     We shared a look that told me we'd finally connected.  I nodded
then ruffled his hair.  "You done sleeping?  You wanna join Ben and
me?"
     He rolled his eyes again.  "No way, dude.  I've got hours of
sleep left in me.  You two are just dopey for getting up when you do.
Even the roosters know you're blasted."
     I licked my lips as I grinned smugly.  "Blasted, huh?"
     "Yup."  His grin smoothed away the last of my worry.
     "Go back to sleep, pup."  I winked at him playfully.  "And don't
drool all over Ben's pillow."
     His mouth dropped and his eyes rolled again, telling me that he
couldn't believe I said that.  I simply raised my brows in question
and he finally grinned back at me as he dropped back to the pillow, a
look of slightly renewed anguish covering his face.
     I nodded then stood and walked to the door.  "Nighty night,
stud."
     His tisk brought a quiet chuckle to my lips.  I left the bedroom
amidst the ongoing snores from Cleats and Chris and partially pulled
the door shut behind me.
     Ben stood just outside the door.  His embarrassed look told me
that he'd heard enough of our conversation to worry about what I was
going to say.  I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him to me so that
our shoulders bumped together as I drug him companionably down the
hall.
     "C'mon, you.  I've got a secret place that I'm gonna let you in
on."
     He went to hand me my coffee cup, but I shook my head.  "Hang on
to it.  This damned cane makes me a little unstable."
     At the main door, I swapped my cane for the crutches and humped
my way through the door and across the entry foyer to a secluded door
in the corner of the hallway.  I turned and winked at Ben who watched
me with a large amount of question in his eyes.  I opened the door
then signaled with my head for him to follow me up the stairs.
     Eventually, I topped the last step and pushed on the release bar
of the door leading to the roof.  I glanced quickly at Ben and saw
his eyes light up.  I grinned then moved through the door and began
to make my way towards the west parapet.  The not-so-distant
mountains, lit dimly by the slightest bit of new-dawn light, raised
before us as we stood next to each other.  He handed me my coffee and
we each sipped the hot liquid.  I felt a small relief from the
morning chill and placed my arm across his shoulders, then pointed
toward the mountains with my coffee cup.
     "That's Mount Evans.  It's 14,240 feet tall.  Wanna hike to the
top with me, one of these days."
     "No."  He said resolutely.
     I looked at him in question as he raised his face to mine.
     "Blair.  You're too old.  You'd probably have a heart attack."
He looked at me with steadfast seriousness.  I felt my lips purse
once slightly.
     "You're a little shit.  You know that don't you?"
     He grinned smugly.  "I'm not the one using a cane, old man."
     I sighed in resignation.  "Just because I'm momentarily at a
disadvantage, doesn't mean that I can't pound your teenage butt even
before I heal up, pup.  Don't forget that."  I arched my eyebrows at
him, laced with feigned menace.  He grinned then pulled from me,
hopping onto one leg as his arms rose, devilish delight covering his
face.
     "Waaaaaaa!"
     My laughter ripped across the space between the buildings.  He
dropped his leg and flicked his head upwards to let me know that he
knew he was cool.  The playfulness expressed in his face left me
grinning with pleasure.
     It struck me suddenly, just how much I enjoyed spending time
with him -- just being with him, one-on-one, sent my spirits soaring.
"Do you know how much I've enjoyed having you with us this past week,
Ben?  I mean, I really have enjoyed it."
     His grin dropped and he looked at my coffee cup.  "Blair, all
I've done is cause you mondo grief.  How can you say that and not be
bullshitting me?"
     "Simple.  Because I've wanted a son in my life for a long time
now and I'd really stopped thinking that it could happen."
     He took a large swallow of his coffee then looked out across the
city.  I watched him process my words with a mixture of hope and
hesitancy in his gaze.  "I wasn't sure if yesterday was all just . in
my imagination or what."
     "No, it wasn't, Ben.  I'm sorry if I didn't touch base with you
after our time on the couch.  Things heated up pretty dramatically
and between everything that kept rolling at us, I never had a chance
to get you alone to just give you a hug and reiterate my feelings."
     I felt blinded by the bright intensity of his smile and as his
arms encircled me in a hug that was at once both fierce and
heartfelt, any fears about mine and Joel's decision to keep the boys
immediately dissolved.
     "Good hug," I said after a long, tender embrace.  "Help this old
man out, would ya?  Grab us another shot of coffee and also a set of
car keys from the holder.  I need another bit of caffeine, then I
have something else to show you."

     As Ben left to refill our cups, my thoughts floated to the house
on Thirteenth and Vine.  It was twice as big as my house on Adams
plus offered a third floor.  Yesterday evening we met at the new
house with Bill and Gayle to feel them out about our decision to
include them in our plans.  We also used the quiet to discuss the
events revealed through both the capture of the scum who'd abused Mau
as well as the tragedies exposed during his hypnosis.
     Initially, I was blinded by my hatred of the man as I tried to
listen to the details of the arrest and the subsequent evidence found
at the man's house including apparent video footage of the abhorrent
and vile acts done to Mau.  Joel said the FBI agent would not
elaborate on their content, but from the hypnosis session, Gayle and
I reluctantly had some small details to share of the repeated rapes
and torture.  The combined essence gleamed from the two reports
shared that Mau had been sold to the man named Jenkins for eight
thousand dollars by his parents during the early part of November.
Unbelievably, Jenkins had filmed the transaction and the agent said
that Mau was clearly drugged in the footage.  The sexual abuse
started as soon as Mau's parents left with the money.  The agent
confirmed our knowledge from Marc Prentice's medical exam that
Jenkins, acting as Mau's pimp, had scheduled numerous other sick and
sadistic johns to use Mau's precious body as they would.  Jenkins and
one other monster, for their own perverted pleasures, apparently did
the torture and abuse including the cigarette burns and forced urine
exchange.
     Contained within a hidden compartment in Jenkins's house was
found, among hard copies of emails setting up Mau's sale, his birth
certificate stating his name to be Jordan Allen Yamakata, born in
January1988 to a Thomas and Mary Yamakata from Kaanapali, Maui,
Hawaii.  As of yesterday afternoon when Joel had last spoken to the
agent in charge of the investigation, the Bureau was focusing their
search towards locating and apprehending his parents.

     Gayle had related that she'd spent the day thinking about Mau.
Her eyes teared as she related the struggle she'd been through
weighing Mau's enormous need against what she felt she was capable of
doing.  She admitted, almost in a whisper, that for the better part
of the afternoon, her decision had been to try and find another
therapist to work with Mau.  Her reasoning centered around the
uncertainly she felt about being able to remain objective.  And she
admitted that her loss of objectivity was the catalyst which had
previously driven her into substitute teaching; no ties and very few
repeat interactions.
     Joel took my hand into his as we waited for her to finish.
     "I have to tell you though," she finally said as her eyes met
ours, "that it finally hit me.  He needs personal, one-on-one therapy
with someone who isn't afraid to hug him and share his hurt -- take
it away from him for a little while and give him a chance to try and
see what life without the horrors could be like.  I can do this kind
of work for one child, but I don't know about more, even though I
sense you're looking to me for just that."
     I felt Joel's grip relax slightly.  "Yes, Gayle, we are.  Our
decision to buy this house, so we can remain with the boys and still
have enough space for everyone, is based on the fact that we've
realized, even after only a week, that we simply cannot pass these
boys off to Bill."
     Bill grunted and as I looked at him, I saw a slow smile form on
his lips.  "I know, Joel.  I knew when you left my house earlier.
And if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, there's a new
crop of boys out there that are going to find an offer for some
permanent lodging along with some permanent security."
     A slight twitch flitted across Joel's lips as he nodded.
"Sorry, my friend.  I couldn't say anything without first speaking
with my man, here."  He pulled my hand, still clasped in his, to his
lips.  "He agreed, but not without a fight."
     "Let me guess," Bill said chuckling.  "He wanted to know what
would happen when you two had to travel for business and would need
to leave them alone.  Who would watch out for them?  Am I close?"
     Joel shrugged.  "Somewhat."
     Bill studied his friend for a moment, then grinned.  "Ah.  You
want to take them with you on your trips whenever possible, turn them
into young, international men of the world and . oh, wow," he said as
a light of comprehension filled his eyes, "and Blair was worried
about school.  Enter Gayle."
     Joel refrained from grinning and instead, turned a serious look
towards Gayle.  "I kind of had a vision about it, Gayle.  I sometimes
see things very clearly and then work to bring them into reality."
     I snorted.  "Sometimes?"
     Bill chuckled and Joel grinned briefly as he renewed his grip.
Gayle's head and shoulders sagged.  I watched as the realization of
what we were suggesting began to sink into her awareness.
     "Forget about them, Gayle.  I know it's a lot to consider, but
we'd like for you to team up with us, if you will, and work with Mau
professionally, but also consider being a full-time tutor with the
other boys."
     Gayle's eyes dropped shut and I heard a quiet whisper escape her
lips.  "Good, God."

            Joel had assured Gayle that there was no obligation on
her part and told her he knew she hadn't signed up for such a life
altering change, but it was obvious that Mau had responded to her and
if she only wanted to focus on Mau then we'd understand completely.
She'd asked for time to think about it, but definitely did not want
to work professionally with the other boys and hoped that we planned
on Bill handling the rest of the therapy.  Joel had nodded and Bill
agreed then explained that he wanted to set up private sessions with
each of the boys to determine what, if any, therapeutic needs
required on-going work.
     Ben and Cleats had been subjected to significant violence and
outside of the one time we'd talked with them about it, the acts
committed against them had not been discussed with either Joel or me.
Chris experienced vile exhortations from his father and minister
about his lack of worthiness to be a member of the human race and
Bill felt that his sexual practices were an indication that he
possibly believed the hate-laced rhetoric.
     Bill felt, surprisingly, that Cody and Timmy appeared to act
like fairly well adjusted teenage boys.  They both needed love and
security and a place to belong.  Timmy was able to get his needs met
by his association with the other boys -- they'd become his family
and the addition of Joel and I into the picture helped to complete a
healthy basis around which he could mature.  Unfortunately, Bill had
not yet been able to ascertain Cody's needs, if any, though he did
mumble something about a need for approval and direction.
     I was amazed that after only two short meetings with the boys
lasting a few hours at best, Bill was able to pick up on the dynamics
of the group to the extent that he had.  To me, it showed why Joel's
faith in Bill's ability was so strong.  And I couldn't dispute his
effect on the boys.  They'd taken to him almost immediately.  Bill's
agreement to continue with the plan to be houseparent and therapist
if need be to a new set of boys left us waiting only for Gayle's
decision -- and I hoped it wouldn't be long in coming.

     I heard Ben approach from behind as my thoughts shifted.
     "Here you go, old man."
     "Thanks, pup."
     "We need to get bigger coffee cups."
     "Why would we when I've got you around to keep mine filled?"  I
bumped him with my shoulder.
     He grunted.  "How's your ankle?"
     "Better.  It's not so tender this morning, but I'm gonna need to
take it easy for a while.  You'll have to get Cleats to run with you
for the next week or so."
     "Yeah," he mumbled.  "Or I'll just wait till you're okay."
     I turned and rested against the parapet.  "Are you and Cleats
cool?"
     His head tipped upward.  "Yeah, we're cool."
     "Then why don't you want to run with him?"
     I expected his shrug, but not his grimace.  "All he talks about
is girls and pussy.  It gets boring."
     "I'd think that you'd like that."
     "I do, but not all the time.  It doesn't seem to bother Chris,
but I know that Cody hates it, especially when Cleats tries to get
him to try it."
     Ben sipped from his cup then leaned against the wall next to me.
"Good coffee."
     His not-so-subtle change of subject forced a half grin to my
lips.  "Nice change of subject, Ben.  How about another one?"
     The drop in his shoulders told me that he knew what I wanted to
talk about.  "Don't start on me about Cody, Blair.  Him and me got it
covered."
     I nodded thoughtfully.  "You know how bad he's got it for you,
don't you?"
     His face grimaced with understanding and I watched as his eyes
turned to look across the roof.  With the time change, the sun now
stood above the horizon even though it was only 6:30, and as he
studied it, his eyes moved in thought.  I couldn't imagine the
confusion he must be feeling.  I'd always known that I liked boys
more than girls.  It was simple for me in that respect.  What wasn't
simple though, was having feelings for another boy, like what Cody
had for Ben, and knowing that I could never act on those feelings.
Twenty-five or thirty years ago, you couldn't even speak about it.
Now, it wasn't as much of a taboo subject and Ben knew how Cody felt
about him.
     "He's never really told me before, not like he told you.  Just
kind of whispered it to me when he thought I was asleep."  He turned
and rested his arms on the capstone.  I heard his sigh.  "I guess I
knew though."
     "And so, hearing him tell me how he really feels, what does that
do for you?"  I reached to tuck his hair away so I could see his
face.  "You were kind of brutal to him when you came out of the
bathroom."
     I watched his jaw clench as he flushed, embarrassed.  "This all
sucks, man.  I've told him not to say shit like that, but it's like
he can't help himself.  And what am I s'posed to do when he says it,
huh?  I tell him I love him, but he always wants more.  Now he wants
to kiss me."
     Confusion and anxiety flowed from him palpably.  "Kissing him
isn't a bad thing, you know, if you want to, but all of the holding
you two do, the sleeping together, the little kiss you placed on his
forehead this morning . it all serves to stir things up in Cody, even
though you may only mean it as good, close buds."
     "I know kissing him ain't bad or ." he shook as a spasm of
revulsion swept through him.  "I can't be like him . like that.  I
just can't be."
     I was confused.  "You mean you can't be like Cody and want to
kiss your best bud?"
     His head shook once as he dipped his chin and growled.  "No.  I
can't be like him."  Ben's emphasis on the word 'him' reached through
my confusion.  He meant his uncle -- he couldn't be like his uncle!
Anguish gripped me.  Ben couldn't separate the act of forced sodomy
that his uncle had committed against him with his confused feelings
and possibly his desires for Cody.  They were the same thing in his
mind!  I felt the rage surge within me.
     "Fucking bastard!"  My growl caused him to look at me quickly.
My eyes blazed with hate until I realized that he was staring at me
wide-eyed.  I breathed quickly, my nostrils flaring as I tried to
pull back from the blinding abyss of hatred I'd felt too often
lately.  I reached to stroke his hair and tried to offer him some
kind of explanation.  "He's just scum, Ben.  What he did to you was
so wrong on so many levels. You know we're going to put him away,
don't you?  So he can't do that to anyone else."
     He nodded, but remained quiet.  I had to help him see the
difference between what his uncle did and what he felt for Cody.
"What he did was rape, Ben."  Tears wet my eyes, but I fought them
back.  "What Cody feels for you is love and what you might feel back
for him is love.  There is no comparison.  They are complete
opposites and I need you to see that only a tiny percent of men are
like your uncle.  Being sexual is not about violence or forced acts.
And you can't confuse what he did to you with anything you may or may
not feel for Cody . or what he feels for you.  He loves you cleanly.
Do you understand what I mean?"
     "He loves me like a boyfriend."  His eyes clouded with sadness.
"He wants to be with me like I want to be with girls."
     "Yes.  Just the way kids your age should be -- all excited and
wanting to be with the other person all the time.  That's what I mean
by cleanly.  No hang-ups, no coercion, no violence, just clean
feelings of interest and desire.  You didn't like or get excited by
what your uncle did to you.  It was horrible.  I know that. There is
where the difference comes in between you and Cody.  You like holding
him or him holding you when you sleep.  You've told me you like
feeling him close to you.  There is nothing wrong with that, nor is
there anything wrong if you get aroused.  It's natural, Ben.
Touching other people, especially when you feel something for them is
good and sometimes it gets your juices going."
     "You touch me, but it doesn't get my juices going."
     I smiled.  "My touches aren't meant to arouse you, bud.  I love
you, you know that, but I don't want you sexually.  When a person
wants someone else sexually, there's an energy that is shared between
the two of them.  I'm sure you've felt this from Cody, right?"
     "Yeah.  Sometimes I tell him to just roll over because he . it
feels like he's going to attack me."
     "You mean he starts trying things with you?"
     "No.  It's just that energy stuff you were talking about.  I
just feel it and I ."  He shrugged to say that he wasn't sure about
the feeling.
     "So do you feel it back for him?"
     A long pause stood between us as he thought about my question.
He finished the last of the coffee in his mug then replied.
"Sometimes."
     "And that's what worries you, right?  That you feel the same
thing, sometimes."
     He nodded.
     "Ben, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but more to help you
make your own decisions.  Yet, Bud, I do need to say that you need to
think about what your actions, innocent friendship or more, are doing
to Cody.  He makes his own choices, granted, but it might be time for
you to make a decision."
     He turned to me and his face conveyed a look of overwhelming
reluctance.  "You mean a decision like if I'm gay or not?  Blair ."
     "No, no, no, bud.  Not that at all.  I simply meant for you to
think about pulling back from all of the touching and holding each
other if you're not willing to let your heart take it any further.
     I saw a small bit of relief fill his eyes, but remaining behind
the relief were more questions.  "I don't think about guys like that,
Blair.  I just . I don't know.  Cody's different though."  He closed
his eyes and sighed heavily.  "Can we change the subject?"
     "Sure," I smiled and reached for his chin and he opened his eyes
at my touch.  "Just think about what I said, okay?"
     He nodded.
     "Now, what car are we taking?"
     He held up the keys to my BMW.  "Yours.  It's cool."  He
grinned.  "Where are we going?"
     "That, my boy, is a secret."
     He sighed again, though this time with a playful roll of his
eyes.  "Can I drive?"
     "My ankle may be damaged, but my mind isn't."

     Twenty minutes later we pulled up in front of the Vine Street
house and as I made my way around the side of the car, Ben met me
with a confused look on his face.  I nodded my head for him to follow
me up the steps.
     "What are we doing here?  Who's place is this?"  His voice
contained uncertainty and I felt a slight reluctance in him to want
to follow me.
     "C'mon, pup.  Just follow me inside, then I'll tell you."
     He chewed on his lip, but remained by the car.
     "What gives, Blair?"
     "Well," I started as a smirk covered my lips and I lowered
myself onto the first step from the sidewalk.  I could tell he wasn't
going to budge until I told him.  "You know by now how Joel is.  He
gets something in his head and before you can say 'Holy Batmobile,
Batman', he's already set his plan in motion."
     "No shit, Blair."
     I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head.  "Real nice language,
pup."  He tipped his chin to me in recognition of my admonishment and
I continued.  "In answer to your second question, it's ours."
     "What's ours?" He asked obviously confused."
     "This house.  Or it will be soon.  Joel bought it yesterday."
     His eyes widened and his brows lifted in surprise, but I could
tell he wasn't making the connection.  "Why?"
     "Well you don't expect us all to live in my house and you know
there isn't enough room in the apartment."
     It took a moment for my words to sink in and then his face
exploded with excitement; eyes as big as dollar coins and a smile
that reached to the moon.  "No Way!"  He launched at me from his
place on the sidewalk and struck me with enough force to propel us
off the step into the grass.
     "Whoa, pup!"  My laughter rang out loudly as I rolled onto my
back and held him in a tight hug on my chest.
     He laughed excitedly.  "Really?  You mean it?  We're all going
to live together?"  As I nodded, he sat up on my stomach and raised
his arms into the air victoriously.  "Yes!"
     I laughed again.  "Joel and I made the decision yesterday after
he saw us on the couch together.  He told me that we looked as close
as any dad and son could be."
     My words caused Ben to shudder as his excitement transformed
swiftly into incredulity.  "I can't believe this.  I wanted it so
bad."  His voice cracked with emotion as he rolled off me and hugged
his arms around his knees.
     "What, bud?"  I sat up and turned towards him to find his eyes
full of tears as his chin began to tremble.
     "This is all so incredible.  God, just a week ago . last
Saturday, I was still so hungry even after you guys fed me."  His
voice caught as the emotional impact of the changes the past week had
brought almost overwhelmed his ability to speak.  He sputtered a
little.  "I .cried as I. headed back to . the crib with your money.
I wanted so badly to just believe you guys were for real, but I was
so scared."  His shoulders shook with the force of the emotional
overload that washed over him.  I pulled him into my arms as he
cried.  "I was so scared all the time, Blair.  I never thought I'd
get out of there and I was so fuckin' hungry all the time . and I
just wanted my dad to believe me and hold me like he used to before
my mom died -- like you do.  But he's barely even talked to me ever
since the funeral."
     'My God!'  I thought.  'She died when he was eleven.  He's been
basically alone for five years!'  I felt him shudder with the pain
and loss and it hit me how conflicted he was about his feelings for
his father -- anger and hate warring with his desire to be loved by
the man that had brought him into the world; the man that had
unfortunately and tragically lost the wrestling match with his own
demons.
     His shudders continued, but he pulled from me and tried to wipe
his eyes.  "I called him once to see if he was still mad at me."  The
muscles in his lips and mouth quivered as he sniffed loudly.  "He
called me a faggot and said my uncle had told him everything about
how I'd fed him beers and begged him to fuck me and that that wasn't
the only time, that I'd been begging him for six months.  I never
did, Blair."
     "I know, love."  I brushed away the tears.  "What else did he
say to you?"
     "That he didn't have a son no more."
     My eyes closed at the pain I could only imagine Ben felt at
hearing those words.  "I'm so sorry, Ben.  I really am.  You are
absolutely the best kid in the world to me and I'll do anything I
possibly can to get you to believe that."
     He wiped the last of his tears away and sniffed again.  "So
that's why I say I can't believe all of this."  He gestured to the
house and shook his head.  "I can't believe it!  It's like a movie or
something and I keep waiting for it to end, you know?"
     "Yeah, I can imagine.  But it's not going to end, bud."  I
reached into my pocket and withdrew the front door key.  I grinned as
I handed it to him.  "Ya wanna go see what your new bedroom looks
like?"
     He stared at the key and then a small grin began at his lips and
reached to his eyes.

*    *    *    *    *

     The bowls from the restaurant stood empty and six boys along
with my dark haired lover sat sated in front of me .  Our impromptu
Saturday brunch had been a hit and it had all been Ben's idea.  After
a lengthy tour of the Vine Street house spent exploring all the nooks
and crannies hidden in the marvelous century old house, we ended up
sitting on the first step at the top of the grand staircase.  We'd
found two other staircases, one tucked away and leading to the
kitchen, while a second led from the north upper level into the
study.  As we sat on the step, a half hour after we started our
explorations, I'd heard Ben's stomach growl and couldn't resist a
royal tease.  I'd exclaimed 'Wait!  Quiet!  I think I just heard a
primordial sound' then I leaned over and placed my ear next to Ben's
stomach.  After a pause, I'd said with a grin, 'oh, it's just your
belly, guess it's time to feed you'.  Ben had graced me with his
patent, 'you're so weird' and then suggested having Hank put in an
order for a morning feast that we'd pick up on our way into the
apartment.
     The breakfast had been delayed though.
     With our seatbelts buckled and just as I went to pull from the
curb in front of Vine Street, Ben's cell phone rang and he looked at
me with a stunned expression saying that it was Mau's phone calling
his.  He answered as I put the car again into park.  Mau's
conversation was to the point and brief in its duration.  Cody was
still in his bed and wouldn't talk to anyone since Mau had woken an
hour earlier.  He said he thought he'd been crying.  Chris had
finally brought Joel into the picture though without any substantial
results.  Out of worry and concern, Mau called Ben.
     Once at the building, Ben went immediately up to the apartment
while I gathered the food from Hank.  When I arrived, Joel gave me a
shrug and told me Ben had gone straight to their room and closed the
door.  Telling myself to be patient and let them have their time
together, I set up the food from the cart and pulled out plates and
silverware for the eight of us.  After pouring myself another cup of
coffee, I wandered down the hall and knocked on the boy's door.
     "Hey, guys," I began.  "How's it going in there?"
     I heard a muffled swear then Ben's voice.  "Not now, Blair.
We'll be out in a minute."
     I grinned.  "Sure.  Just wanted you to know that breakfast is
ready and hot.  Don't let it get cold."
     Silence answered my announcement and still grinning, I made my
way back to the kitchen.  I hollered for the rest of the boys and
stood back watching as they plowed into the bowls of eggs, bacon,
sausage and fruit.  Once Joel had filled his plate and took a seat at
the table, I began to fill mine when I heard the sound of hushed
conversation in the hallway leading to the bedrooms, then again
silence.  I peeked around the corner and surprisingly I saw Ben and
Cody in an embrace, kissing passionately.
     I quickly returned to the counter and had just filled my glass
with juice when the two boys entered the kitchen.  Turning to them I
immediately noticed the matching flush that covered their faces.
     "Bout time, guys.  I was getting ready to send in the fire
brigade."  I said quietly with a wink.
     Ben's face flushed with scarlet blush and Cody did a truly
admirable job of containing his happiness.  The glare I received from
Ben was worthy of an Oscar.  I ignored it and simply arched my brow
as I carried my plate to the table.
     The boys filled their plates, whispering the entire time, then
took a seat at the breakfast bar.  I noticed the other boys watching
them and the conversation around the table was virtually non-
existent.  Finally, the silence was broken as Ben turned and looked
at Mau.
     "Thanks, Mau, for the phone call."
     I watched as Cody's eyes filled with shared gratitude then
turned to see Mau nod.  Normal conversation returned after Ben's
statement with Timmy asking Joel if they could go flying again today.
     Joel nodded to Timmy's delight.  "But you know, Tim, the plane
is only a four-seater and Chris, Cleats and Ben haven't been up yet."
     Timmy's face fell and the light was crushed from his eyes as he
nodded.
     "No way, Fu Man," Cleats said.  "I ain't going up there with
some crazy white man behind the wheel.  Count me out."
     Timmy exploded with excitement.  "So can I go too, Joel?
Please!"
     Joel chuckled and appeared to think about his answer.  "Well,
Tim," he said, giving me a wink, "Blair hasn't been up yet either.
Shouldn't you give him a shot first?"
     Intense desperation poured from Timmy's eyes as he looked
towards me.  In the end, it was too much and I chuckled.  "Not today,
love," I began as I tossed my napkin at Timmy.  "I'm gonna hang
around to see if Gayle calls."
     "Yes!"  Timmy exclaimed.
     Joel grinned and nodded.  "But first, there's something Blair
and I need to speak to you all about."  We shared a look of
excitement.  I'd hoped that Joel wouldn't wait too long to speak to
the boys.  He gave me a slight nod, then continued.  "Guys, make room
for Ben and Cody, would you?"
     I smirked as I watched them squeeze their chairs next to each
other at the corner.  Their forearms and shoulders were in near-
constant touch as they resumed eating.  Mau watched them closely as
he sipped some juice and I found myself wondering what was going
through his mind.  His look told me that he recognized a difference
in their interactions with each other, even though the other boys
didn't seem to notice.  He must have felt my look as his gaze shifted
from Cody and Ben to me.  I winked at him and watched his lips purse
in response.  He returned the wink.  Then Joel started.
     "Guys, Blair and I did something yesterday that has rather wide
reaching effects for all of us."  That got their attention.  Each of
the boys looked at Joel and I saw Chris set his fork down and look
towards me.  I realized this week that he never missed much of what
was important and I could sense his anticipation.  I smiled and he
turned back towards Joel.
     "What'd you do," Cleats jibed, "make another billion, Fu Man?"
Mau and Chris chuckled and I saw a glint brighten in Cleats' eyes.
"Or are you gonna tell us that Blair's pregnant and we're gonna have
a baby brother?"
     I couldn't help myself.  His sarcasm and quick one-liners
normally brought a grin to my face, but this one was priceless.  I
barked my laughter and appreciation, making Cleats grin widely and
raise his brows once quickly.  Joel joined in the grin.
     "No, Blair's not pregnant . yet," he said as he tipped his head
towards me, "but that reminds me, Cleats.  Since you seem to have a
problem keeping your pecker in your pant, I've scheduled an
appointment for you on Monday to have a vasectomy.  We can't risk
having clones of you running around.  It's really for the good of the
people."
     Chris howled.  His laughter brayed out and he slapped Joel on
the back.  "Good one, Fu.  But they might have a tough time finding
his pea-size nads.  They might just have to cut 'em off.  He's all
dick and no balls anyway."
     A serious expression covered Joel's face and he nodded slowly in
feigned understanding.  "I see."  Joel said thoughtfully.
     Cleats' head shook slowly back and forth as he licked his lower
lip.  For once, he didn't have a comeback and I watched as his hand
dropped to his crotch.  "Not cool, Chrissy and you," he nodded
towards Joel and grinned, "you just stay away from my boys here.
They got a job to do later on, man."
     Joel laughed and raised his coffee cup towards Cleats.  "Just
promise me it'll be much later on, pup.  I can't have my plans for
you derailed before they even get going."
     "What plans, man?  I ain't said nothing about no plans."
     Joel gave him a wink.  "You'll see."
     Cleats sighed and cupped his groin one last time.  "Whatever, Fu
Man.  Just stay away from my boys."
     Joel nodded then cleared his throat.  "Now, if I can start again
without the side commentary from our boy Clayton here, I want to tell
you about yesterday.  As I said, Blair and I did something that will
possibly have an impact on all of you, us included.  I can't say that
we did a lot of soul-searching about it, we just both arrived at the
same spot at about the same time and knew that the decision had
already been made. Maybe we should have spoken to you first," he
said, taking the time to look into each of the boy's eyes and pausing
to give Ben a wink.  "But we put an offer on a house . a rather large
house, and the offer was accepted."
     The reactions varied with each of the boys.  Chris' eyes shown
with immediate understanding and his head moved subtly back and forth
in amazement.  Cleats had a puzzled look on his face.  Ben smiled and
Cody looked at Ben wide-eyed.  Mau glanced away, lost in his
thoughts, but obviously understanding what Joel was saying.  Timmy's
eyes filled with tears.
     "Are you moving away?"  He asked, immediately taking Joel's
words as a rejection and a goodbye.
     Joel reached across the table and as he smiled warmly at Timmy,
he tweaked the tip of Timmy's nose.  "Not without you, buddy."
     Timmy's eyes lit up and Joel looked at each of the boys again.
     "Not without all of you, if you'll agree to come with us."
     Chris looked from Joel to me.  "You're serious, aren't you.  You
want us all to live together."
     Joel nodded.  "If you guys still want to."
     "Like a family," Chris stated.  "After just a week with us."
     Again, Joel nodded.  I could sense Chris' amazement.  He turned
to share a look between him and Cleats.  Cleats licked his lower lip
again as some thought passed between him and Chris, but he remained
silent.
     "I know it's a big decision," I started.  "And I also know it's
only been a week since we even met Ben and then all of you in turn,
but we've been simply blown away by the intensity of your devotion to
each other and the natural family that you've already made for
yourself.  I know we initially said that we felt like we couldn't
offer you guys the kind of security you need because of our business
commitments, but in the end, there's a solution to every problem."
     Chris slowly nodded and without thinking, I reached to tuck his
hair behind his ear.  He grinned at me sideways and I turned to the
other boys.  "You're all the most incredible kids.  We never expected
to fall for each and every one of you, but you're amazing and we feel
like, combined, we can make a pretty amazing group."
     Timmy jumped up and ran to Joel, throwing his arms around his
neck.  Tears streamed down his cheeks as Joel pulled him onto his lap
and hugged him tightly.  I turned to Cody and Ben and received a wink
from my boy then I ruffled Cody's hair.
     "What do you think, C-man?"
     He smiled.  "Took you long enough."
     I laughed and turned to face Mau sitting next to me looking into
his plate.  I placed my hand on his shoulder and felt him quiver at
my touch then tilt his head towards my hand.  "And you, honey?  You
want to make this a little more permanent?"
     He looked up at me.  His dark brown eyes conveyed such unguarded
longing and hope that I almost broke into tears.  "You really want me
after everything you know?"  He spoke softly, but his words easily
reached to everyone around the table.
     "What I know is that you've won my heart just like every one of
your boys here.  I told you yesterday after we shared the final
results from Dr. Prentice with you that we love you and we'll always
. always be here for you through everything that's still yet to come.
I can't even imagine our life without you in it."  I quickly glanced
around the table.  "That goes for all of you."   I turned back to
Mau.  "So are you down with the idea of having your boys and you
together with us for a good, long while?"
     He nodded slowly and I bent forward to place a kiss on his
forehead.  He closed his eyes and I suddenly remembered I'd promised
not to do that.  "Sorry," I whispered.  "I wasn't supposed to do that
in front of your boys, was I?"
     He grinned and leaned into me with a nod.  I put my arm around
his shoulder then turned towards Cleats.  "All right, Mr. Cool,
what's up with you, of all people, not saying anything?"
     Cleats looked at me intensely for a moment then dropped his
eyes.  I saw that Joel was eyeing him closely.  Cleats shrugged then
nodded as if he liked the idea.  "It all sounds great, Blair, but I
think I'm going to pass.  I'm probably going to head back to Chicago
and check on the scene there.  But thanks, man."  He refused to look
at either Joel or me.  His words shocked me as they came out of left
field.  I watched, stunned, as Chris studied him then reached out
quickly and punched him in the chest.
     "Real funny, dude."
     Cleats scowled and rubbed his chest.  "Don't, Chris.  Just leave
it, man.  I'm not joking."
     Joel gestured for Timmy to head back to his seat then he turned
back to face Cleats.  "Something's bugging you, all of a sudden.  Let
me guess, Clayton.  You can't believe that two, white faggots could
possibly want a straight, black boy for their son.  Am I right?"
Cleats snapped his head up and glared at Joel.  "Or is it that while
you could be down with the idea of living at Blair's house with your
boys and Bill, the idea of people knowing that you have two queer
Dads would ruin your reputation?  Yeah, maybe that's it."
     Cleats' eyes flashed anger.  "Fuck you, man.  You don't know
shit."
     "Yeah, I do," Joel responded.  His eyes momentarily moved to
mine and his look told me to trust him.
     "No you don't.  And what's this shit about being your son?
What, now you wanna adopt me?  Yeah, good one, white boy."
     Joel nodded.  "Something like that, black boy.  It's actually a
second question we were going to put in front of you boys.  We wanted
to have you start thinking if this is something you might want to
make more permanent, but I can tell already that your pride and your
fears aren't going to allow you to even consider the idea."
     "Yeah, and what do you know about my pride or my fears.  Like I
said, you don't know shit.  I ain't scared of nothing."  His eyes
glared at Joel refusing to look away.
     "That's right, Clayton.  Flare your nostrils and puff out your
chest.  Show me what a tough guy you are and how you don't need
anyone.  But I know better.  You're ready to piss on the world rather
than except someone's help."
     "Bullshit man.  How can you even think shit like that?"
     Each of the boys watched the exchange with focused attention.
Timmy looked like he wanted to cry and Ben eyed Joel with a steel
gaze.  Then Joel settled the matter with a cross-cut combination of
verbal blows meant to knock the fight out of any opponent.  It hadn't
taken me long to figure out that he considered it time to reveal his
own past.
     "Because you're exactly like I was when I was your age -- angry
with the world and dead-set on ramming my independence up everyone's
ass.  You see, Clayton, I was a spoiled, rich brat who considered the
world nothing less than my kingdom and the people in it were there to
do what I wanted.  Then my parents were killed and my spinster aunt
became my guardian.  I was fifteen and incredibly angry with the
world.  For a couple of years I was just like you, flashing out my
anger with cutting put-downs and asserting my independence by never
following a single rule laid out for me.  I had more money in a trust
than I could imagine, but my Aunt controlled it, making me even
madder.  She was an incredible woman and I treated her like dirt."
     He looked across the table at me and I smiled supportively,
knowing the anxiety the recall of his memories was costing him.  He
nodded and gave me a quick grin, then continued.
     "Fortunately, a very wise and quiet man exerted his strength on
me one night when I went to take one of the cars out after my curfew.
He refused to let me and I started to rage at him because he was
simply the lowly chauffer.  And yes, he was black.  But in the end,
he broke through my walls and got me to see that I was throwing my
life away because of my anger.  What he did was teach me about
respect for others and that respect, he said, began with respecting
yourself.  When he died three years ago, I felt like I'd lost my
father all over again.  But what he did for me back when I was
seventeen changed me.  He steered me through school and into my
professional career having zero education behind him.  He made me see
that I could let people love me and help me because they wanted to,
not because they had to.  You're the same way I was back then so
before you throw out anymore of your racist, angry jive just
remember, I've said and done it all before."
     The silence around the table didn't surprise me.  The impact of
Joel's story on the boys, which he'd asked be kept just between us,
was profound.  Mau's gaze locked on Joel as Timmy moved back to
Joel's chair and touched him on his arm.  Joel grinned and winked at
him then put his arm around his waist.
     "Fuck me," Cody said.
     I shook my head.  "Nice language, Codes."
     "Sorry, but you all could have told us this stuff before, you
know."
     Joel shook his head.  "Nope.  No need.  Blair knows that I
didn't start all of this because I felt some need to pay back the
cosmos.  I did it because you guys have had enough tough breaks in
your young lives and needed someone to help you get a new start and
teach you about self-respect."  He turned to face Cleats.  "I'm not
asking you to decide about becoming my son or me being your dad .
that's not what this is about right now.  I asking you to make the
decision to let go of some of your anger -- just set is aside, right
next to you if you're so fond of it, but give yourself a chance to
see what life looks like without anger blurring everything.  I want
you with us, Clayton James because you enrich us and complete our
circle.  Plus," he grinned, "you sometimes make me laugh."
     Cleats stared at him, emotion flooding his eyes.  "You'd really
want me to be your kid?"
     Joel nodded.  "I'd be honored for you to decide one day to be
Clayton James-Summers, but that's something for down the road.  Right
now I'm just asking you to consider if you want to live with us as a
group, like a family."
     "Damn," he muttered under his breath and gave Chris a sideways
glance.  "You weren't shittin' me, were you?"
     Chris shook his head.  I wondered what their exchange meant, but
realized that I may never know.  And then the thought faded into
irrelevance with Mau's quiet words.
     "I'm an orphan too, Fu Man."
     Joel spun his head to look from Cleats to Mau.  His eyes
narrowed and I knew he shared the same thought as I.  'He doesn't
consider his parents even to be alive."
     Joel nodded slowly.  "Mau, I know you feel that way and after
everything they've done to you, I can't blame you at all for feeling
what you do, but the FBI is right now trying to locate them and bring
them in front of the judge to answer for what they've done."
     Mau's eyes filled with tears.  "They and my sister died in
September."
     My mouth dropped open as I stared at Joel.  The shock on his
face was apparent and I could tell he was trying to process what Mau
was saying against what the Agent had told him.
     I turned back to Mau.  "But they have video footage of . of when
they gave you to . uh, the man up in the mountains."
     He shrugged.  "I don't really remember all that much after the
funeral, it's all blurry, but it was probably my dad's partner.  He
got custody of me."
     I saw Joel motion to me with his eyes that the other boys were
still with us and I touched Mau's shoulder.  "Okay.  Can you tell me
more later?"
     He shrugged and nodded.
     I looked around and found Ben staring at me.  Mau's revelation
rocked me and while holding Ben's look, I breathed deeply trying to
calm the confusion racing through me.  He glanced from me to Mau then
nodded his head towards Mau.  I turned to see quiet tears sliding
down his cheeks and for what seemed liked the millionth time in the
past seven days, my heart felt like it was slammed emotionally.  I
pulled Mau into a sideways hug.
     "It'll be okay, Cubbo.  I promise."
     He nodded and looked up at me.  "I hate them," he whispered.
"But I really miss Jenny."
     "Was Jenny your sister?"
     He sighed and nodded without saying anything.
     Joel leaned forward toward Mau.  "I'm so sorry, Mau.  What
happened?"
     Unconsciously, Mau leaned into me closer.  "They wrecked.  Dad
was drunk or on drugs or something.  But they showed me how he set it
all up."
     "Set what up?"  Ben asked.
     Mau pulled out from beneath my arm.  "Later, Bone," he mumbled.
I could see Ben's frustration rising and I mouthed the word 'please'
to him.  Eventually, he nodded.
     "Okay, dude.  Whenever you're ready."
     Obviously, we needed a change of subject and I signaled for Joel
to continue.
     "So, if you guys want to see the house, we can go over in a
little bit and you can check it out.  Are you interested?"
     Chris grinned.  "You bet."
     Ben and Cody nodded and I watched Timmy whisper something in
Joel's ear that brought a wide smile to his face.  He nodded back to
Timmy who nodded and grinned in response.
     "I want to go," Mau said looking at Joel then shifted his gaze
toward Cleats.
     Cleats tipped his chin up towards Mau.  "I'll look at it."
     "Good," Joel said.  "Let's plan to leave in fifteen minutes."
     "Well, what about a half hour," I asked.  "I haven't showered
yet."

*    *    *    *    *

     It was a twenty minute drive to Marc and Jim's for dinner and we
used the to time to finishing catching each other up on the day's
events.  As we were dressing, Joel had related the details of his
three conversations with the Agent-in-Charge of the investigation,
Bob Brady.  Brady confirmed Mau's statement that his parents and had
died in an auto accident in September and he also confirmed that
Thomas Yamakata's partner, Ed Latosi, had received custody of Mau
according to his father's will.  What surprised Brady was Mau's
assertion that his father had set up the sale.  He wanted to speak
with Mau, but we'd asked him to wait until Sunday.
     I'd, in fact, tried to speak with Mau myself after we returned
from looking at the Vine Street house.  He was reluctant and asked if
we could do it later because he wanted to go flying with Chris and
Timmy since Ben declined.  I hadn't pushed it and actually wanted to
check with Gayle before I did.  My chance came to speak with her
after Joel and the boys left for the hangar.
     The security phone rang and Barry informed me that Gayle was
downstairs.  She'd greeted me with a smile as I opened the apartment
door and I'd known her decision immediately.  She told me she'd had a
long talk with her mentor after our meeting last night and woke up
knowing that the combination of therapy with Mau and tutoring the
rest of the boys would help provide the balance she knew she needed.
Her work with Mau would continue, beginning on Monday, but the extent
of her work next week with the other boys would be limited to testing
for scholastic levels.  She said she planned on dropping by some
reference materials on child rape and Traumatic Stress Syndrome later
on this evening for Joel and I.
     We were both pleased and lifted by her decision.
     "You know, lover," Joel said as he pulled from the parking
garage, "Rob found three academic treatise that she wrote.  One was
on the process of educating kids in the Critical Thinking Skills
educational model.  The academic reviews fell in the superior level.
She's really going to have a great impact on the boys.  I'm very
eager to see how Cleats relates to her."
     "So what do you think Cleats' reluctance this morning was all
about?"
     "I'm still not sure, Blair.  But I know that there is more to it
than he let on.  I asked Chris about it when we were walking towards
the hangar.  Mau and Tim had already run ahead, which was no
surprise," he grinned, "but Chris wouldn't tell me anything either.
His lack of insight or opinion clearly meant he knew something, but
wasn't willing to share."
     I thought about Cleats' response both at breakfast and when we
arrived at Vine Street.  It was obvious that something was holding
him back, but there were many levels of him that neither Joel nor I
had been granted access.
     "On the outside, he appeared to like the place and I think he
was excited about having his own room."
     Joel grinned.  "Yeah, and I think Mau was glad that him and Tim
would be sharing so he didn't have to listen to Cleats snore anymore.
By the way, you want to share with me what I missed with Ben and
Cody?  They're looking at each other like two love-sick pups."
     I shook my head in worry and wonder and related the
conversations and events from very early this morning.  "And then Ben
was waiting for me in our room when I finished my shower and started
immediately telling me that he had kissed Cody and that it felt good.
He was so into it that I don't think he even noticed when I dropped
my towel and got dressed."
     "Well, that sure explains the looks between them today.  I
actually thought that Cody was going to 'farct out' with happiness
when they sat at the table this morning."
     I laughed.  "'Farct out, huh?"  Joel grinned at my jibe and I
continued.  "I saw them in a major lip-lock before they came into the
kitchen.  I just hope that Cody is going to be all right if Ben
decides he doesn't really want this."
     Joel looked at me with a fair amount of surprise.  "You think he
will?"
     "I don't really think he's gay, but I know he loves Cody.  He's
so messed up though about his thoughts of being gay because of that
bastard father and uncle of his.  Bill really needs to start with
him.  He's an amazing kid, they all are, but I can't help and think
this is the honeymoon period and sooner or later, all the shit that's
happened to them is going to start manifesting in negative
behaviors."
     Joel reached over and grabbed my hand in his.  "Well, I just
hope it doesn't start tonight because I'm really looking forward to
showing my man off to other queers and then going home and trying out
the whole no-condom thing.  We were both so wiped out from the ups
and downs yesterday, that while the holding each other was nice, it
kind of got me really wanting more."
     I grinned.  "Me too.  Tonight we'll have to make sure though
that Mikey sleeps in his basket."

*    *    *    *    *

     "I think you jinxed us earlier, Joel."
     He sighed and gunned the accelerator causing the car to speed
through a yellow light.  "Fuck!"  He swore.  "Was it too much to ask
for a night with my lover?"
     His comment surprised me.  He'd been the one for the past week
with unlimited patience and understanding.  "I know, babe.  Let's
just get home so we can talk with Ben and Chris.  It really worries
me that Cody took his backpack."
     "Me too.  Fuck!"  He hit the steering wheel with his palm.  "And
why the hell isn't Cleats home yet.  I told him ten o'clock and he
promised me he'd be there."
     "Joel, it's only ten-fifteen."
     He sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  I'm taking my frustration out on
him, but he'd better be there when we get home."

     As we stood in the kitchen listening to Chris stammer through
the evening's events, I couldn't help but be reminded that I'd told
myself a hundred times over the past week that we weren't cut out for
this teenage thing.  Fortunately, Cleats walked in two minutes after
we did, apologizing and saying he'd lost track of the time.  Joel
nodded and sighed then thanked him for trying to be on time.  Cleats
had given him a nod then asked what was going on just as Joel reached
over and pulled back his collar exposing a large red mark on his
neck.
     "If you aren't using a condom, I am going to have your balls cut
off."
     "Damn, Fu Man, chill out," Cleats said pulling his head back
indignantly.  "I always wear my skin, man.  Shit."
     Joel shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh.  "Good.
Cody's gone."
     "Whoa," he chimed and looked at Chris as he leaned against the
counter, dejected.  "Whazzup, blood?"
     Chris looked at him briefly and rolled his eyes.
     "I'll tell you what's up," Joel growled.  "Chris and Cody
couldn't keep it in their pants and Ben walked in."
     "Joel," I said firmly.  He heard the upset contained in my
voice.  I knew he was upset, but blurting out what happened between
Chris and Cody wasn't like him.  He sighed again and ran his hands
through his thick hair, then turned towards Chris.
     "Chris, I'm sorry.  That was so out of line and contained
absolutely no respect.  Please, forgive me.  I've probably had too
much wine."
     Chris nodded and shrugged at the same time.  "I didn't know
anything was going on between them, Joel, or I wouldn't have . you
know.  I was watching a movie with Mau and Tim after Hank and that
woman Gayle left and I heard Bone hollering from the bedroom."
     "Damn."  Cleats interjected.  "They must'a really been screaming
for you to hear 'em in the TV room."
     Chris nodded.  "And as I left to find out what was up, I met
Cody in the kitchen and he was crying and I could see he was unzipped
and had a boner."
     "Uh, Cleats?"  I asked, interrupting Chris.  He looked at me.
"Would you please go check on Mau and Timmy and keep them company for
a while?  We need to speak with Chris alone."  Cleats sighed loudly
and shook his head, but headed down the hall as I requested.  I
turned back to Chris just as Joel's cell phone rang.
     He checked the caller ID and flipped it open.
     "Hey, Marc . no, he's not back yet."  Joel glanced at me as he
shook his head.  "No, not now.  If he doesn't show up by morning, I
may call you for some help.  Thanks . yeah, me too."  He flipped his
phone shut.  "He wanted to know if him and Jim could help us look
tonight.  I told him maybe in the morning if Cody isn't back."
     I nodded then gestured for Chris to continue.  He sighed first
then started up again.
     "I asked him what happened and he said he didn't want to talk
about it.  Then he pulled me into your office and shut the door and
basically attacked me.  I tried to push him away, but he just kept
crying and saying he had to get off and begged me to blow him."
     My mouth fell open and a disbelieving expression covered Joel's
face.  Anger filled Chris' eyes.  "I'm not shittin' you guys, Christ.
What was I supposed to do?  His hands were all over me and I haven't
had sex for at least a week and a half.  And with you two guys
walking around here always being such studs . Fuck!"  He threw his
hands into the air for emphasis.  "This is shit, you guys."
     Joel released the breath he was holding.  "Yeah, it is, but go
on, Chris.  This isn't really your fault."
     Chris looked at Joel and then me, and I saw a blush cover his
cheeks.  "So I started to blow him and we were going at it when Bone
walked in.  He called us 'fucking faggots' then ran out and locked
himself in Megan's room.  Cody freaked, man.  He called after Bone
and went running out.  By the time I caught up, he was banging on
Megan's door crying like . I don't know what?  I mean shit, I knew
they slept together, but Bone's straight, isn't he?"
     I shook my head and sighed.  "He's confused about it all right
now.  So, when did you realize that Cody had left?"
     "It was probably an hour later.  Things had quieted down and I
went back to the TV and then the movie ended and I went looking for
Cody.  That's when I saw that his backpack was gone.  I went and
pounded on Megan's door and yelled for Ben to open it, but he
wouldn't.  I'd told him Cody had left and all he said was 'good' and
'why didn't I go with him'.  That's when I called you guys."
     Joel nodded.  "Did you try his cell phone?"
     "Yeah.  It was off and went to voice mail."
     Joel sighed.  We stood quiet for a minute or so, then Joel
looked towards me.  "Would you go and try to get Ben to open the
door?  There's a simple way to unlock the door from the outside, but
it'd be better if he let you in on his own."
     I nodded and went to leave when I noticed the anguish and guilt
on Chris' face.  His shoulders slumped forward and his ponytail,
normally immaculately held back, had partially worked its way out of
its tie.  I lifted his chin and forced him to look at me.  "This
isn't your fault, Chris.  We'll find Cody and get this straightened
out, okay?"
     He shook his head and looked away.  I pulled him into a hug,
which he didn't return, so I looked at Joel as I let go of Chris and
indicated for him to do something.  Then I headed towards Megan's
room.

     I knocked softly on the door.  "Ben, it's time to talk.  I need
to know where Cody might have gone."  I heard only silence in
response to my request, but gave him a few seconds to think about
what he wanted to do.  Then I heard the handle's lock turn.  Upon
entering, I watched as Ben walked towards the bed then drop to the
floor, leaning against the frame.  He looked miserable.
     "Rough, night, huh?"  I said as I sank to the carpet in front of
him.
     No response.
     "I need to know what happened, bud.  Because I can't figure out
what could have made Cody leave and take his stuff, especially not
after finally getting what he's wanted for so long."
     Ben looked at me, his eyes filled with resentment and stale
tears.  "No, he didn't get what he's always wanted.  He didn't get my
dick, that's for sure."
     "Ben, come on.  I can't believe that everything he said this
morning was a setup just to get in your pants."
     He glared at me and spat his words.  "I knew you'd take his
side.  I fuckin' knew it."
     "Why?" I flared back.  "Because I'm gay too?  Is that what
you're implying?  Why are you being pissy with me?"
     He flashed me an angry look then clenched his jaw tightly.
"Fuck that.  It's because of all that shit you talked about how Cody
loves me 'cleanly' and shit.  That's bullshit.  He just wants to fag
out on my dick.  That's exactly what he said."
     A deep sigh prefaced my words.  "Please tell me what happened,
Ben."
     Hot blush reddened his cheeks.  "You can't tell Joel, Blair.  I
mean it."
     Surprised by his mandate, I nodded.  Ben looked at me for a long
moment.
     "We were kissing on each other and stuff and laughing.  Then he
got all emotional and stuff and told me that he'd loved me since the
first time he saw me and that he couldn't believe that he was able to
finally kiss me whenever he wanted.  And I like, saw all of his looks
and stuff in my head since we met and . fuck, I don't know, I just
started getting emotional too."
     "Then what happened?"
     "I told him that he knew how I felt about him and he just looked
at me like he was dying to hear me say it . so I did."
     "You mean you told him you loved him?"
     He nodded.
     "But you've told him that before."
     He nodded again.  "Yeah, but . I don't know.  This was
different."
     I looked at him, at first not understanding what it was that he
was saying.  He looked back in frustration, then tossed his hands in
the air dramatically.  He growled.  "I said it like I was saying it
to a girl."  His eyes clenched shut once.  "We were laying next to
each other and lookin' in our eyes and I just told him I was in love
with him."
     My eyes opened wide in surprise and almost immediate
understanding and I nodded slowly.  "You said you were in love with
him?"
     He nodded as if I were stupid.  "And he just attacked me . and .
we were kissing and . " his blush deepened.  "I . I liked it so much.
And then I got so hard and he was  . we was pressing against each
other and then his dick was out in my hand.   I don't even know how.
Then he laughed and said, 'C'mon Bone, let's fag out' and I lost it.
I pushed him away, but he came back laughing and then he grabbed hold
of my . me and ." he stopped as his hand combed through his hair
roughly.  He grimaced with emotion and then I saw his eyes clench
shut and his lip quiver.
     'Oh, god!'  I thought.  I could just see it all happening.  Ben
trying to experiment and finding he really loved it . his passion
running rampant.  And then hearing the fag word in the middle of it -
- the same word his uncle and father had called him.  My heart cried
out with the injustice.  'Oh, Ben!'
     I swallowed as I went to ask a question to which I really didn't
want to hear the answer.  "What'd you do, Ben?"
     He hung his head between his knees and I heard a painful gasp
escape as he tried to draw a breath.  "I shoved him and . told him to
stay away," he choked between sobs, "and called him ." he choked
again and looked up at me with his tear-stained face and bloodshot
eyes.  He balled his fists and pressed them against his eyes,
desperate to block out the scene from earlier.
     'Fuck!' my mind screamed.
     "What, love?"  I asked, placing my hand on his forearm.  His
muscles trembled under my touch.
     ". a faggot," he yelled, "a fucking faggot and then screamed
that I wasn't a faggot like him ." he looked at me with something
close to panic in his eyes.  "But I am and they were right all along.
I'm just a disgusting faggot like they said!"  His words fell off,
replaced by an agonized, heartbroken keening.  "Blair!" he wailed
from somewhere in his pain.
     I pulled him into my arms, rocking him as he sobbed.  I held his
head and allowed him to cry out all of his painful feelings of
rejection and self-disgust and unbelievable shame.  Shuddering spasms
ran though his limbs
     "You are not bad, Ben!  Not a single ounce of you is bad or
disgusting.  Do you hear me?  And I love you no matter who or what
you think you are."  I continued to rock back and forth feeling his
trembling body sag further against mine.  I stroked his hair and
pressed the blonde locks against my face, kissing him.  "If you're
gay or bi or in the end, a liner as Cody says, it doesn't matter.  I
love you and Joel loves you and we always will.  You're not like what
your uncle said or your father.  They're just full of hate and fear
and ignorance.  You're good, Son.  You are.  Cody loves you and it's
okay if you can't love him back in the same way.  He'll learn to live
with it."
     I felt another tremor run through him and pulled back enough to
look down at him.  "Ben, son, look at me."  I lifted his chin and saw
in his watery, tear-filled eyes incredible pain.  "If you're gay,
that's okay.  If you're not, that's okay.  But you have to tell me
that you believe what I'm saying, even if it's only a little bit now.
You're not bad, love.  Do you believe me?"
     His lips and jaw trembled as his eyes searched my face for what
looked like any sign that he could believe my words.  I kissed his
forehead and looked again into his eyes.  "I love you so much, Ben.
You're everything I could ever possibly want in a perfect son.  Do
you believe me?"
     Slowly and with a hesitant, tentative movement his chin dropped
a tiny bit -- his eyes never leaving mine.  "Oh, good, love."  I
kissed his forehead again.  "And Ben, you have to believe me when I
say that if you want to love Cody with you're whole heart and mind
and body, then I'm a hundred and ten percent all for it.  So is Joel.
Because you'll be perfect to us . regardless of whatever decision you
make.  Okay?"
     He nodded again once slowly.  I kissed his cheek and pulled him
back into my arms.  I felt his hands work their way out of my hug and
then his arms encircled me.  We sat quiet for a short bit as I
stroked his hair and continued to rock gently.
     "Okay," I said finally.  "Now you can go with me to look for
Cody or you can stay here.  It's your choice."
     I felt his arms tighten around me once then heard his voice,
still shaky with emotion.  "I wanna go."

     Five minutes later, Ben and I were in the elevator with Joel,
Chris and Cleats.  The three of them were going to hit the streets
and check out some of the boy's old hangouts.  Cleats wanted to head
over to the crib while Joel and Chris checked out the mall, but Joel
nixed the idea and suggested Ben and I do it since we were going to
use my car to drive the streets.
      We let them out on the first floor and proceeded to the lower
levels and the parking garage. Ben climbed into the passenger seat of
my car as I stopped at Joel's Escalade to pick up a flashlight from
the glove box.  My eye caught a sudden movement as I opened the
passenger door and I jumped back, startled.
     Cody's beleaguered and tear-stained face looked at me from the
back seat -- staring silently through fresh tears.
     I heard Ben's muffled shout from the other car and pulled my
eyes from Cody to see Ben jumping frantically from the door.
     "Cody!"  Ben cried excitedly.  He yanked the driver's door open
and the interior light illuminated his face.   Utter relief flooded
his eyes.
     "Stay away, Ben," Cody growled raggedly, passionately.
"Remember?  You already decided.   I'm just a fucking faggot and
you're not."

Not Yet.

Comments are appreciated.   dfilchak@qwest.net