Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2006 05:15:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: taarob <taarob@yahoo.com>
Subject: See Danny Run 6

This is a work of fiction.  I love getting email so if you
would like to contact me you can at taarob@yahoo.com or if
you'd like to see some other things that I've written you
can go to my web site at http://www.mygaystories.com .

From the previous chapter:
In those three years there had never been any suggestion
that he was other than totally straight.  I was beginning to
wonder if he was mind fucking me but then he'd stop by my
table in the cafeteria always when I was alone and did what
I could only call flirting.  Not that it was really out
there flirty it was subtler than that but there wasn't
anything else to call it and if Tom showed up Dodger would
immediately stop and switch to jockspeak.

The other thing he did was show up at every track meet.  The
first time I saw him I was walking back and forth to cool
down after a win and I looked over to the stands and there
he was sitting there in all his studliness.  Then when I
realized it was him and he caught my eye I smoothly put one
foot across the other and fell flat on my face.  Tom was
there in an instant and when I looked up Dodger was sitting
there with an odd little grin on his face.




                        See Danny Run 6

Mainly because of my friendship with Tom the next three
years were pretty good.  I made a few other friends; well
not like Tom, but still guys that I could eat lunch with or
hang with at a party.

The only real negative thing that kept happening, aside from
my parents, was what I thought of as "The Carl Dream" which
is a little weird cause he was only in it at the end.

The dream always started with me sitting in the front yard
of a big old house out in the country.  I didn't recognize
the house, and yet I did.  You know how sometimes a place
just feels like you've been there?  It felt like I should
know the place.

The front yard was wonderful with big old trees that were
heavy with leaves that just let the occasional muted shaft
of summer sun filter through.  I was sitting in a big wooden
chair.  You know the old fashioned kind they used to have
for sitting outside.  The chairs were painted white and I
could feel with my fingers the texture of the paint and the
sharp edge of the wooden seat.  I just sat there relaxed,
with my face turned up so that a shaft of light could warm
it and I dozed, just lightly asleep.

Then for some reason I always got up and went inside.  I
don't know why I always did that, but it was always okay at
first; it wasn't scary and even the inside of the house had
this mid summer drowsiness to it.

Then at some point it would change, the light would get
different and suddenly the house felt threatening.  Not that
it was frightening to the point of screaming and running,
but frightening to the point where I wanted out and that's
when the problem began. because I couldn't find my way out.
I walked from room to room and always just behind me, right
in the room that I just left, was this dark scary presence.
Just when I was beginning to panic, I'd walk into a room
with a big old round oak table, you know, the kind with the
pedestal, and the chairs had fancy carving on them and they
were really heavy.  I always felt relief when I finally got
to the table because I only had to touch it and I would
suddenly be out of the house and standing on the front
porch.

I was free but the light was gone; it was always night.
Carl  would be standing there with a warm smile on his face,
lit by the porch light and he'd say, "C'mon, Danny, get in
the car.  I'll take ya home."  I'd get in the car and we'd
be talking like we use to talk and it'd be nice, but then
when I'd look at the steering wheel his hands would be all
bloody and I'd wake up sweating.  The thing is that I knew,
even before I got in the car, that if I looked at his hands
they'd be like that and they always were, but I'd still talk
to him like that wasn't gonna happen.

In the beginning, I didn't have that dream very often but it
seemed like it started happening more and more often, and in
the morning it was like I hadn't slept at all.

It wasn't like the dream hurt me, though.  It wasn't even
all that scary, but it always left me feeling drained.  I
wanted to talk to Tom about it because he had a way of
putting things into perspective, but I knew it would stir up
a lotta shit that was better off not stirred up.  I guess if
I had been thinking right I woulda known that it couldn't go
on like that, but when I was awake it didn't seem that
terrible.  It seemed like I could handle it.  Of course I
was wrong.

Every shred of evidence told me that Tom was straight.  Even
after track, when we were in the shower, I kept waiting to
catch him looking at me with hungry eyes, but it never
happened.  Sometimes I'd even go outta my way to put on a
little show for him, just to see what might happen.  There
was affection in those eyes and warmth, but never hunger.
He was my best friend, my brother practically, and shit, he
was a thousand times closer to me than my real brother.

We spent every important day together.  Even days like
Thanksgiving and Christmas, when I had to be home for a
strained and totally phony "family" day, I'd sneak off at
the earliest moment and spend the day with Tom and his
family.

It got to the point where I didn't even knock on their door
when I went to meet him for school.  I just let myself in,
poured myself coffee and wait for him to come down stairs.

His mom and dad treated me like I was one of their kids and
they were my first real experience with a normal home.  For
almost the entire first year that I knew them I figured that
this all had to be some kind of act that they were putting
on for my benefit.  It simply seemed inconceivable to me
that people could really be like this.

If Tom ever considered the possibility that I was gay he
never talked to me about it, at least not directly.  Course
I had double dated with him a couple of times and maybe that
convinced him I was straight.  At least that's what I
thought at the time.  But it was like I had these secrets
that I couldn't tell anyone, and I especially couldn't tell
Tom-- I mean, I just couldn't risk fucking up the only good
thing in my life. I had the gay secret and I had the rape
secret and I had the parents hating me secret and I wasn't
sure which secret was worse but they were all so bad that it
didn't much matter.  I guess that I figured I could do my
juggling act forever.  Sometimes though, things don't always
work out like you figure and sometimes your head just does
what it's gotta do.  Tom and I were having a burger at
Denny's when my world went into meltdown.

"Danny!  Danny!" He waved to get my attention.

"Huh?"

Tom leaned over the table towards me and whispered, "Man
you're fuckin staring!"

"Did you see that guy?  He hit that kid!"

"Danny, he just swatted the kid on the butt.  The little
bastard dumped out all those candy bars on the counter."

"He coulda just talked to him.  He's just a little guy."

"Maybe he tried.  Parents don't usually hit until they see
that talking doesn't work."

"People are too quick to punish little kids."  Tom was
giving me an odd look and I decided to shut up.

After we finished our burgers and out of what seemed like
the clear blue sky, Tom asked, "So you ever see that Carl
guy anymore?"

"Carl?"  Tom tilted his head and smiled.  "Yeah, you used to
have coffee with him."

"Oh, him.  No...he's in college now.  But even before that
he  got busy with football shit.  We just, I dunno,
stopped."

Tom said, "Good lookin dude.  Must have done pretty good
with the babes."

"He had a girl friend.....I think."  I shrugged.  "We just
used to stop for coffee.  You know...just shot the shit."

"So you're not friends anymore?  I mean, you know, hear from
him?"

"He's not....we weren't like, close or anything.  He gave me
a ride home a couple of times."

"He was a good guy?  Sure was a big fucker."

"I dunno, Tom.  I guess he was okay.  I didn't pay that much
attention."

"So you guys stopped being friends?"

All of a sudden I was yelling and people were looking and I
had this terrible burning pain inside my forehead.  "Tom!
What the fuck is this?  I barely knew the guy!  Why all the
questions?"

Tom picked up the check and started to get up.  He said
softly, "Calm down, Danny.  I'm sorry." He glanced down at
the table and quickly back up into my eyes. "It's just that
you wrote his name in the salt you spilled."

He had to be wrong and I looked frantically around because I
was afraid to look down but then there it was, like it had
been written by the Devil himself.  CARL, in big bold
capital letters.  How?  Where did that come from?

I looked up at Tom and I couldn't think of one lie not one.
How could I explain that?  Why hadn't I seen it?  What the
fuck was wrong with my brain that it could do that without
telling me?  I could feel the heat rising to my face and I
started to stammer incoherently.

Tom looked around and then took my arm and pulled me out of
the booth and led me shaking to the door.  He said gently,
"Danny, just wait outside.  The air will help.  I just gotta
pay this."

He left me standing outside with the cold air hitting my
face.  I watched him inside, walking over to the register to
pay the check.  I had to get out of there and I turned and
looked at the highway and then just blindly stumbled towards
it.  It didn't feel like I had control of my body.  It was
like I'd tell it to do something but it took awhile for the
word to get to it, and even then it didn't listen.

I started running, but it was almost like I was watching a
movie of someone else running.  I wondered if Tom could have
written Carl's name, but I knew that I had never left the
booth.  No, it had been me.  The thing was that it wasn't
the me that I knew, it had to be some other me.  It was like
I had this enemy inside of me, trying to expose me, and he
was better at this game than I was.  I just wanted to be
home I wanted to sleep, to pull the covers over my head and
sleep, or maybe die.

I felt something holding me back but I kept running or at
least I thought I did but then I heard Tom's voice but it
couldn't be Tom's voice because I was running.

"Danny."  Oh his hands were warm on my face, and his voice
was so comforting,  "Come on, Danny."

"I'm sorry, Tom!"

"S'okay, Danny.  I shouldn't have left ya."

"I was running."

"Dan, you were standing in the highway.  C'mon guy, get in
the car."

I was crying. I could feel the tears on my face but I didn't
feel like I was, you know, on the inside.  "Tom, I didn't
mean to do it.  Please don't be mad!"

"I'm not mad, Danny.  Why would I be mad?  We just gotta get
you back to the house."

"It's not his fault, Tom.  I shouldn't a done what I did."

He led me to the car.  "Just relax, Danny.  Just sit and
relax."

I stared out at the night and saw my face reflected back in
the glass and it looked like there was rain on my face but
they were tears.  "It's my fault, all of it.  He loved me."

Tom just nodded and watched the road.

I never told.  They asked me and asked me and asked me, but
I never told.  Then they threatened me.  I didn't tell.
There wasn't anything they could do to me that would have
been worse than what I had already done to myself.  They
asked me if Carl had done something to me.  I told them no.
They said they didn't believe me.  I went back to sleep.

I guess this wasn't the sort of thing that could be kept
from my parents and frankly, I didn't much care because they
were gonna hate me anyway.

My mother and father were insane with anger and as usual
were doing a great job of hiding it from everyone but me.  I
was big time trouble for them.  Our little town was watching
them, judging them because of me or at least I guess that's
what they thought.  They believed that I was lying and they
were right. How could I tell them that if I didn't admit it
to anyone then, in a way, it hadn't happened?  Yeah, nuts I
know.  At least they gave me drugs.  Paxil.  I slept for
days and was in fog for weeks.

I hadn't seen anyone for a couple of weeks; I refused to.
Tom brought my schoolwork over and left it with my mom.  She
laid it in front of my bedroom door.  Finally the Paxil fog
began to lift.  I checked my cell phone and there were
thirty-seven messages.  I deleted all of them except for
Tom's and then I called him.

Just hearing him say hello made me feel good. He sounded so
new, so crisp, so clean.  For a split second I almost felt
jealous.  He was the boy that I was supposed to be.

"You pissed at me?"

He laughed.  "You're feeling better."

"Getting used to the drugs.  I didn't mean to put you thru
all that shit, Tom.  Guess I'm a loony."

"I wanna see ya."

"C'mon over.  I'll lower the drawbridge."

Twenty minutes later he was sitting in my room.  He looked
around.  "I never been in here before."  We always always
always met at his house.  I wasn't anxious for him to meet
mom, but of course now he already had.

"It's like a Holiday Inn."

"Why don't you put something on the walls?"

I shook my head.  "Mom.  She doesn't want it."  I could tell
by the look on his face that he understood about her but
didn't want to say anything.

He walked over to me and put his arms on my shoulders and
tilted his head.  "Lemme just say this and then it'll be
outta the way."  I know that he felt me tighten up.  "Calm
down.  I just wanna say that I know how to draw a straight
line between two points.....and if you ever....ever wanna
talk about it....I'm here.  I guess my natural instinct is
to bug you about it, but I'm not gonna do that."

He never mentioned it again, but sometimes I'd catch him
watching me and probably wondering.



Well, of course, nothing goes on forever, and eventually
high school ended and I graduated.  My mom and dad even came
to my graduation, although I'm pretty sure they were more
celebrating the idea that I'd be going away, the `to
college' part was pretty much besides the point, away was
away.  I was just as happy about it as they were.  Even my
brother Robert, now a big time attorney in Chicago showed
up.  Well, big time in the sense that even a third year law
student makes unbelievable money working for a big firm and
he was with one of the best.

It seemed like Mom and Dad pretty much used my brother as
their negotiator with me.  I figured his job was to get me
to agree with what they wanted.  This wasn't as surprising
to me as the idea that they felt like they needed to
negotiate and actually, he ended up surprising me--
actually, shocking me.

When we got back from the school graduation ceremony, Robert
followed me up to my room and sat at my desk while I changed
clothes.  I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, and
even I had to admit he was pretty hot in his dark blue suit.
I inherited slim and fast and he got muscular and handsome.
Figures!

He handed me a paper that itemized the college expenses that
I could expect.

He said, "Danny, it would help if you returned my phone
calls."  I just looked at him.  He shook his head and
shrugged.  "Okay...I told the school you wanted a double
room with a private bath.  It was a bit more, but nothing
significant and I included meals.  Even if you never use the
food service it's pretty cheap and at least I'll know that
you'll never go hungry."  He looked at me and grinned.
"This year you really need to experience having a roommate
and regular dorm stuff, but next year if you want a private
room that's fine."

"Robert...." I hated to tell him this but then he was being
almost nice, "I've got a track scholarship."

He gave me a small smile.  "I know....but mom and dad don't.
You're a resident student but all the paperwork goes to my
office in Chicago.  I told the university that I was your
attorney and all paperwork had to go through me.  Mom and
dad were relieved to have me handle it.  Do you still have
the business card I gave you?"  Actually I had pitched it.

"Ah....I think I lost it."

He took out his wallet and handed me another one with a
little smirk.  "Lost it...right."  He gave a little shrug.
"I'll pay directly for everything that I can and the rest
I'll deposit into your account at the university.  I got
them to include fifty bucks a week spending money and that
along with the stuff that they think you're paying for but
aren't, you should have plenty of money.  Do you know what
classes you want yet?"

I went over to the desk and pulled out a list and handed it
to him.  He glanced it over and then looked up at me.  "I'll
be here through Monday.  We can download the forms, fill em
out and I'll mail them Tuesday.  Might as well get it taken
care of."

He got up and put his hands on my shoulders.  He smelled
faintly of soap and some light aftershave.  "We'll have more
time to talk about this; we've got the summer yet, but I
want you to remember that if you need anything-- and I don't
only mean money or about school stuff-- call me.  I'm gonna
be super busy this summer because I'm gonna be assisting one
of the partners with a major case, but still call me."  He
reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  "I
bought Addie a new car and these are for her old Civic.  The
title's in your name and I insured it."  I couldn't believe
it.  He sighed and said.  "Look it's got over a hundred
thousand miles on it but she totally babied that car and if
you don't beat it to death it should last you."

I looked at the keys in his hand and there were tears
running down my face.

I was trying to get a grip but I had to know.  I sobbed out,
"Why?"

His thumbs gently wiped tears out of my eyes.  "You mean
them?"

"Yeah."  I felt so small next to him and with his hands on
my shoulders he towered above me.  I did mean them, my mom
and dad but I also meant him but I was afraid to say that,
like just talking about it would remind him that he was
supposed to be mean to me, but he ended up answering my
question without my asking it.

He kissed my forehead.  "I dunno.  For a long time I thought
it actually was you.  Somehow without actually saying it,
they made me think it was you.  Addie is the one who made me
understand what was really going on in this house.  But I
dunno why.  When I told Addie about what happened to you
with that bus driver she thought that maybe that triggered
something in them.  But thinking back, I remember them
getting like....well, like they are, even before that but I
don't know why it happened.  The thing is.....I know now and
I can help.  You've got the summer to spend here but you're
good at staying out of their way and.....I promise that I'll
run interference any time that I can.  Danny, I meant what I
told the university.  Think of me as your attorney.  If you
need anything from them, tell me.  I've got em feeling a
little guilty about you and I'm gonna keep em that way.  So
if you need anything or have a problem, call me."

He ran his hand over my hair and pulled my head to his
chest.  "Addie doesn't have her degree yet but she's gonna
be a really great therapist.   She said that if you ever
wanna talk about...well...all that stuff, she'd be happy to.
She really likes you and she made me see what an asshole I
was being."  I couldn't speak and anyway just being held by
him was like the best therapy in the world.

He kissed my temple.  "And remember, I'm not just your
attorney.....mostly I'm your big brother."  He was grinning
down at me but there were tears in his eyes.  He said
softly, "I wanted to tell you all that sooner....but you
don't return your phone calls you little shit."