Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2012 22:48:38 -0800 (PST)
From: Bono Torros <bonotorros@yahoo.com>
Subject: Sleepy Days, Come No More_Chapter 17

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 17

I had entered my final month at the clinic. My therapy sessions had become
much more productive. We still talked about my childhood but we had also
started to incorporate current issues, namely my relationship with
Blake. On this day I attended my session with Dr. Meltzer.

We greeted one another and took our seats.

"So how do you feel today?" He asked.

"I feel pretty good actually." I said.

"Today I would like to focus on your relationship with Blake. I know he has
come up in other sessions but I want to give this matter more attention."
He said.

"Okay, where should we start?" I asked.

"Why don't you tell me how you feel about him?" He said.

"I love Blake, he is kind and caring. He makes me laugh, he is smart." I
paused. "I remember there was this guy in high school that I had a crush
on. He was so handsome. He was on the basketball team and was a merit
scholar, super popular, the perfect guy. That is what Blake is to me. He is
just too perfect. The kind of guy that you never expect to be with." I
said.

"Too perfect?" He asked.

"I know that no one is perfect, but so far he seems to be." I said.

"Have you told him about your past?" He inquired.

"Well, not exactly, I cited it in the letter I wrote him." I explained.

"The letter that you wrote before you came here?" He asked.

"Yes." I said.

"If you love Blake and he is as great as you say, why didn't you confide in
him?" He asked.

"I don't know." I paused. "I have just been trained to keep secrets,
especially this one." I admitted.

"You were trained?" He inquired

"One time when my parents were fighting, I must have been about seven, I
called the police. They had put on a presentation at school informing us
about how we should call the police if we needed help. I knew that my dad
would be pissed but I thought that maybe if the police came they would stop
fighting." I said.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I got a whipping and was advised that the things that happen in our house
stay in our house." I explained. "So, you see keeping secrets was one of my
first lessons." I said.

"Was that the only reason?" He asked.

"He looks at me like I'm something special, like I'm some pure being he
needs to protect. My father used to look at me like that," I sighed, "I
just didn't want to give him a reason to look at me differently." I
confessed.

"Do you think that he would leave you because you were molested?" He asked.

"Honestly, I expect everyone to leave me, which is why I avoid these kinds
of situations." I said.

"These kinds of situations?" He inquired.

"You know co-dependency, I get uncomfortable if a person on the bus speaks
to me on a regular basis, like oh this is becoming too much." I laughed.

"Why is that?" He asked.

"Even when you speak to a person on the bus, then there is a kind of
expectation. You are expected to speak to them; they are expected to speak
to you. If they aren't on the bus for a few days you might think has
something happened to them? Are they okay? You know it is just an
unnecessary complication. That is why this thing with Blake has come as
such a surprise, it is unlike me." I said.

"How is it unlike you?" He asked.

"Well, I wouldn't have expected to become involved with someone so
quickly. I mean we were active pretty soon in the relationship, not
penetrative, but other things." I explained.

"How long do you think is appropriate?" He inquired.

"I don't know, I mean we went all the way," I blushed, "after about six
months, I know that other people may move faster than that, but I never
expected to." I said.

"How long did you expect to wait?" He probed.

"Honestly, I hadn't given it much thought. Before Blake it was a
non-issue. I wanted to have sex on one hand, but was afraid on the other."
I confessed.

"Afraid?" He asked.

"I was afraid of how I might feel. I was afraid that it might be traumatic
for me. I mean I had not been with anyone but my uncle, and that was
horrible, I always felt so dirty and cheap afterwards. So, I wanted to be
with someone but had accepted a life of celibacy." I said.

"What about masturbation?" He asked.

"Yes, doctor, I masturbate. I have been masturbating since I was about 12
or 13, after I had my first penis cramp." I said with a laugh.

"Penis cramp?" He asked.

I smiled, "Yes, my father had me join a football team; you know to make a
man of me. I got the occasional charlie horse, so when I experienced my
first erection, while watching a love scene between Rue Mcclanahan and
Patrick Duffy, which is embarrassing within itself, I thought it was a
cramp." I laughed. "I was so scared. I thought it might burst or fall
off. And it hurt so bad, it was throbbing, but I was too embarrassed to
tell anyone so I started to massage it, like I would my leg. The friction
between my bare hand and my cock made it impossible to continue so I
decided to soothe the burning feeling with lotion and, well you can imagine
the rest. It became my new after school activity." I said.

"How do you feel when you masturbate, aside from the physical, the
emotional? He asked.

"I don't remember how I felt the first time, but as far back as I can
remember, my orgasm would be immediately followed by shame and just this
feeling of sickening vulnerability, like a violation. The same way I felt
with my uncle." I explained.

"I see. How does Blake respond after, I mean does he comment on your
reaction?" He asked.

"It varies; I mean sometimes I feel really bad but others I can kind of
push through the discomfort. I think when he knew that I felt strange
afterwards, he would ask me how I felt or comment on how I seemed upset." I
said.

"Well, that is a common issue among sexual abuse victims, but we have
gotten a little of track, I want us to talk more about your issues with
intimacy." He said.

"Intimacy?" I asked.

"Yes, back to the difficulty you have with establishing relationships, even
on a casual level." He explained.

"Okay." I said.

"You said that you don't like being dependent on others, could you
elaborate?" He asked.

"I mean it is pretty simple, I just don't want to be dependent on anyone
else, it just takes too much control out of my hands. You know." I said.

"Control that has been a recurrent issue in our sessions." He observed.

"Yes." I acknowledged.

"Well, are you willing to sacrifice potential happiness or companionship
for control?" He asked.

I took a deep breath and thought for awhile, "I don't know." I said.

"I think that you should think about that, because until you are willing to
open up and give up some control, I don't think that you will be able to
have a healthy relationship." He said.

Our session continued for about a half an hour. After the session I went to
my room and took a shower. I had taken a shower the night before, but
having water running over my body always seemed to relax me and help me
think. I thought about the things Dr. Meltzer had said, and I knew they
were true. I mean most of the things that he said I already knew, it was
just hearing someone else say them made them more real, harder to hide.

After my shower I went to my art class, followed by a meditation
session. Then I had dinner with Cassie, Ricky, and Chuck. It was Cassie's
last week, so she was feeling a little nervous but excited too. We spent
the rest of the evening playing cards and pool together.

The end of the week came and it was Cassie's last day. They gave a modest
farewell party with cake and punch. Everyone who attended wished her good
luck. Ricky and I gave individual speeches about how she helped each of us
during our stay and what a wonderful person she was. After the party we
hugged and exchanged email addresses so we could keep in touch. I was
actually sad about her departure; I knew I was going to miss her.

My last few sessions had focused on my fear of intimacy and
abandonment. The sessions were going well but it is easier to talk about
change than to actually put it into action. I wanted to implement some of
the things that we discussed while I was still at the facility. So, I tried
to become friendlier with the other clients, it was easy enough, I mean I
talk to people all the time, but it was something.

I was two weeks into my final month, and I was feeling pretty weird about
it. I mean on one hand I was ready to go home and get back to work, but I
had become sort of used to the place.

This afternoon Chuck and I had lunch together and then attended our sexual
abuse group. As usual we started with the affirmation that we were not at
fault for our abuse and that we were worthy of love and happiness. Then one
of the newer clients stood and told their story. It was a sad story, but
all the stories were sad.

The moderator was just about to transition from the period of sharing
personal stories, to the part where we discuss different ways to overcome
and manage our life post abuse. When, suddenly I felt compelled to share my
own story. I don't know why but I felt as though I should. So, I stood and
said my name, though everyone already knew it and recited my story.

I wish I could say that it was some type of amazing experience, but in
truth it was awkward, but I was glad I did it. It was not as horrible as I
thought it would be. The next couple of weeks went by rather quickly, my
last day was impending. I had written Blake to tell him I was coming home
and had informed Marie.

During my last days I had to arrange for after care with a therapist in my
city. There were also surveys about how I felt regarding my stay and how I
would rate the treatment. My last session with Dr. Meltzer was sort of a
review of all we had covered and reassertion of the things that I still
needed to work on. He wished me the best and I wished him the same.

Since I was leaving in the morning, I had a farewell gathering the evening
before my departure. It was nice. Many of the clients from my abuse group
came, and clients from my art and meditation courses attended
also. Everyone was wishing me well and encouraging me to keep working at
being my best self, which was one of the facility mottos.

Ricky and Chuck gave little speeches in my honor, and so did this girl from
my art class. I didn't even know her name but she said that I had helped
her be strong and hopeful with my friendly smile. That was funny I mean I
had been smiling a lot in the last month, but I never thought that it would
really affect anyone else.

That night I went for a walk on the beach with Chuck and Ricky. We talked
about everything and nothing at all. We told each other about our hopes and
dreams, from being rich and famous, to just having someone to love us and
being happy. We walked barefoot in the sand and let the tide sweep past our
naked feet.

Then we lay in the sand and looked up at the star filled sky, without
speech. That night I slept better than I had expected. I woke up, took a
shower, and ate breakfast with Chuck and Ricky. I packed my things and went
to the front desk to retrieve the belongings that had been confiscated.

Chuck and Ricky sat with me while I waited for my taxi. When it arrived we
hugged and promised to keep in touch. Marie and Blake had both offered to
pick me up from the clinic but I decided to take the bus. I wanted to leave
as I had come. Besides I thought the ride would give me time to think and
relax before returning home.

I arrived at my place late that afternoon. It was strange returning to my
apartment. It was surreal. I unpacked my suitcase and took a shower. I
stripped the bed and changed the sheets. I opened the windows and checked
my emails and messages. I went through my mail and sorted it.

I was in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner, something that I had not
done in three months, when I heard the door open. I left the kitchen to see
who had come in; I knew that it was probably Blake. He walked in and didn't
notice me standing there initially.

"Hello, Blake." I paused. "You look good." I paused. "I missed you." I
walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him, but he didn't return the
gesture.

"I missed you too." Blake said as he pulled away from my embrace.

"Are you hungry? I was going to cook something." I said.

"No. I'm not hungry." He said dryly.

"Blake, I know you must be upset with me, but" I paused, "can't we talk
about it." I asked.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk about it weeks ago, but there was no one to talk
to." He said bluntly.

"I know you may not agree with my decision or the way I went about it, but
I was not strong enough to tell you. I thought you would try to talk me out
of it." I said.

"You needed some help; I wouldn't have tried to interfere with that, I
would have helped you find a therapist here." He exclaimed.

"But I needed to leave. Can you say that you wouldn't have tried to
convince me to stay?" I asserted.

"Of course I wanted you to stay I love you, but you didn't even give me the
chance, you made the decision that affected both of our lives alone, and
told me that you were leaving through a letter, after we made love." He
said.

"I love you too, that is why I planned the weekend, so it could be
special. I wanted us to be together before I left," I paused, "I thought it
would bind us together, I thought it would strengthen our relationship." I
exclaimed.

"Well, it worked. It was amazing, I never felt so connected with anyone,
and then I woke up to an empty bed." He said.

"That must have been extremely painful." I paused. "I am not proud of what
I did, I just didn't know how else to do it." I exclaimed.

He looked in my eyes, and said, "If you had to leave, then you had to
leave, but you kept a secret from me that impacted our relationship," he
paused, "when we decided to move forward together, we agreed that we would
be honest with one another. You broke that agreement." He said.

"I know, I wasn't completely honest with you, I wanted to be, but" I was
interrupted.

"But you didn't trust me. You didn't have enough faith in me or our
relationship, or my love for you to be up front with me." He paused. "What
happened to you was terrible, I can't imagine how horrible it must have
been for you, but I wish you could have allowed me to share it with you, to
support you." He exclaimed.

"You're right, I didn't trust your love, I was afraid." I confessed. "I
told you when we started that I was damaged, that I was troubled," I
paused, "everyone in my life who was supposed to love me and protect me,
betrayed me. I became accustomed to bad treatment; sometimes I even
believed that I deserved it."  I explained.

I began to cry. "When, you came into my life and treated me like I was
special, like I was worthy of love, it felt good and I wanted to trust that
and I did, but there was always that doubt. Does he really love you, is he
trying to get something from you, or is there something wrong with him,
because why else would he be with you." I exclaimed.

"I have spent the last 20 years of my life sad and depressed. Becoming more
and more withdrawn as time went on. I used sleep, television, school, and
work to cope, to try to fill the emptiness that was inside of me. Then I
started to fill that hole with you." I wiped my eyes.

"I wish that I was better when we met, that we could have had a different
set of circumstances, but it didn't work out that way. I love you Blake and
I didn't go away just for my benefit, but for the good of our relationship
too. You deserved my complete love and trust, and I was unable to give
those things to you before, but now I believe I can." I professed.

His eyes had become glassy, "I don't know. I love you so much and I've
missed you, so when I see you standing here I want to hold you and be with
you, but it still hurts. I know that you had your reasons for what you did,
and they were good reasons, but it still hurts." He exclaimed.

I wiped his eyes, "I know. It is too much to deal with all at once." I
sighed. "But we both missed each other and want to be together, so let's be
together tonight. I'll cook dinner, we can watch a movie, and we can just
enjoy tonight and see how we feel tomorrow." I suggested.

"Alright." Blake agreed.

He let me hug him. I stood there and held him for a while. It felt good to
be close to him again, to smell that spicy-woody scent that I loved so
much. We stood there for a few minutes, and then I went and started dinner.

We ate dinner and watched a movie. It felt a little strange, like neither
of us wanted to upset the other. He talked about one of the children he had
been working with at the community center, and I praised his
efforts. During our talk Blake laid his head in my lap and let me stroke
his face with my hand.

Later, we took a shower together. I cleaned him and he cleaned me. Then we
went to bed. He lay on the left side and I lay on the right. We didn't
speak or touch. The silence was so heavy, it was almost suffocating me. I
turned to Blake and said, "I love you, and I want to touch you. I want you
to touch me too."

He didn't speak, so I turned on my side and tried to go to sleep. As I
began to drift off I felt Blake's arm drape across my body. He pulled me in
tight to him and began to kiss my neck. "I love you too baby." He said as
he kissed my ear and his hair fell across my neck.

He ran his hand down my abdomen and into my crotch. He took me in his
strong hand and began to stroke. A jolt surged through me as my cock
hardened. Blake turned me onto my back and pressed his lips against
mine. Next, he licked my armpits and worked my nipples between his
teeth. He ran his tongue from my chest to my crotch. Then he took my cock
in his mouth.

I moaned as he lifted and lowered his head. I was dizzied by the
attention. Then, while sucking my cock, he brought two of his fingers to my
lips and pushed them into my mouth. I suck both fingers thoroughly. He
pulled his fingers from my mouth and inserted them in my ass one by one. I
squealed as he worked his fingers in and out of my hole.

Then, Blake moistened the perimeter of my opening with his tongue. I
moaned, as he continued to work me. I closed my eyes and consumed wave
after wave of pleasure. Then he slid his hot tongue into my hole, and I
moaned. I lost my ability to breathe, as my body trembled. I tweaked my
nipple as he continued to explore me.

Suddenly, he withdrew his tongue from me, I opened my eyes and I clenched
my hole in response to the withdrawal. Blake rose up on his knees and lubed
his cock with saliva. He spread my legs and positioned my body. I closed my
eyes and held my breath in preparation. I felt him pressing against my
hole, and then he slowly entered. I gasped and bit my lip.

Blake continued to push into me, until he was completely absorbed into my
body. I released a deep guttural moan as a sharp pain shot through me. I
felt the weight of him resting upon my prostate and pressing against my
stomach. He lowered his body onto mine as he allowed me to adjust to his
presence. He licked and kissed my neck. I felt him twitch inside me and
moaned.

Blake rose upon his arms and began to slowly extract himself; I tightened
around him in response to the vacancy. He moaned deeply, and pushed back
inside of me. Blake continued this process pulling further out each time
and slowly pushing back in.

The pain became more subtle as Blake rubbed his thick cock against my
prostate. My body was burning and my cock was dripping. Blake continued his
slow penetration. It felt so good having him inside me, I couldn't get
enough, I began to push toward him, as I stroked my own throbbing cock.

Blake leaned down and pressed his lips against mine, and invaded my mouth
with his tongue. I released my cock and gripped the back of his head with
my hands. He broke my grasp and rose back up on his arms and began to
furiously thrust in and out of me. His breathing became ragged as sweat
dripped from his face.

I could feel the pressure rise in my balls and I wanted relief. I reached
down and began to tug, I was getting so close. Blake removed my hand from
my cock, and then took hold of both of my wrists and pinned them against
the bed. The temperature in my ass spiked as Blake increased the speed of
his strokes.

I couldn't hold on any longer, my body tensed and my toes curled as I
sprayed hot cum all over my chest. Blake's breathing became more labored as
he began to thrust in and out of me at a rapid pace. I writhed beneath him,
as my body still processed the waves of pleasure that my orgasm caused.

He told me to look at him. We looked in each other's eyes as he continued
to vigorously work my ass. He clasped his fingers through mine as he let
out a loud heavy moan. His entire body shook as I felt him fill me with
warm, thick cum. His cock continued to pulsate inside me as he collapsed
onto my sweaty body.

I lay there on my back with Blake inside me, as the heat of his body singed
my skin and for a while, everything stopped. There was no sense of time,
space, or reality. There was nothing but Blake and I, our love, no pain, no
sorrow.

Eventually, Blake removed himself from me. He took me in his arms, and it
was just like it had been before. I drifted off to sleep, still in his
grasp.

I was awakened early in the morning by a rustling sound. I opened my eyes
and Blake was getting dressed. "Baby, why are you up? It is still early?" I
asked.

Blake continued getting dressed, "I need to get home." He said.

"Why?" I asked.

"I just need to think." He said.

"Think, you can't think here?" I asked.

"I need to be alone." He said.

"Why aren't you looking at me? Look at me." I climbed out of bed and walked
over to him. I looked into his emerald eyes, "A few hours ago you told you
loved me, and we made love. It was great." I paused. "Don't leave baby, I
want you to stay." I pleaded.

"Steve, I do love you, and making love to you was incredible, but our
problems are still here and I just need to think about how I feel." He
exclaimed.

"I know, well we had last night." I paused. "I will give you some time." I
said.

Blake left. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't find any peace. My
mind kept replaying my decisions, were they right? Had I pushed Blake too
far? Would he ever forgive me?

The next day I had lunch with Marie. We met at a restaurant near the
hospital. After we were seated and placed our orders we began to talk.

"How did it go with Blake?" Marie asked with trepidation.

"I don't know. It was tense, he was upset with me. We started to talk, but
it was too soon." I paused. "So, I suggested that we put aside our problems
and just enjoy each other." I said.

"How did that go?" She asked.

"Well, I cooked dinner, we watched a movie, and we talked." I
paused. "Then, we, you know." I said with a smile.

"Oh, well that is good." She exclaimed.

"It was great, but he left early in the morning, the sky was still black."
I confessed.

"How did that make you feel?" She asked with concern.

"Honestly, it made me feel cheap." I paused. "After being with someone, you
feel open and vulnerable, so when they leave, it just exasperates those
feelings." I paused. "But I understand his position." I said.

"Yeah, that can be rough." She said.

"I probably shouldn't have hopped into bed with him, I mean I love him and
he looked so good, and I missed him," I paused, "I guess I hoped that if we
were together that maybe it would fix things in some way." I said.

"Well, you did what you felt was best at the time, don't be too hard on
yourself." She encouraged.

"Yeah, I guess I will just have to give it some time. Things seem to become
clearer after a little time." I smiled.

Our food arrived. We ate and continued to talk about my relationship and
hers, as well as our jobs. After lunch I returned to work. It went by
rather quickly, though from time to time my mind would drift to Blake and I
had to refocus my attention.

After work I went home.



******************************************************************************

Acknowledgement:

I would like to thank Fred, who consulted me regarding alternative therapy
techniques, one of which was role playing, the technique that I utilized in
the previous chapter. I just want to take the time to acknowledge his
input, because it created a great opportunity for character exploration and
helped expedite the clinical experience. Thanks Fred.

******************************************************************************

Special thanks to Oscar, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Khalid, Gary, Vern, Fred,
Joseph, Lou, JT and Mikal for their support, and all of the people who have
taken the time to comment, you all have made this a more enjoyable
experience for me.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make
this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and
administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think, please forward any comments
or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com.