Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2012 13:44:46 -0700 (PDT) From: Bono Torros <bonotorros@yahoo.com> Subject: Sleepy Days, Come No More_Chapter 25 Sleepy Days, Come No More Chapter 25 The next several days were hectic. I had to study and take exams for school. I had my sessions with Dr. Berger. I was really busy with work. I had reports to create, client assessments, and I had been updating a lot of the client care guidelines, and I had to prepare my presentation for the conference, which was starting in a couple of days. I was actually really excited about the conference. I was going to give a presentation about the advantages of pediatric psychiatry in the private sector. There would be about 175-200 people attending the conference from 20 different facilities and agencies that provide psychiatric care to persons under the age of eighteen. This was a great opportunity for me to network with other health care professionals. Though, I was particularly excited that it would be in Gilbert, Arizona, because Chuck lived in Las Vegas, and we planned to get together. We had been emailing each other frequently and we had a few phone calls and instant messenger chats, but there is nothing like face to face communication. Besides it was the perfect excuse to get away from my problems. I had not told anyone what happened between me and Blake, not even my therapist. I hadn't had much time to think about it and I didn't want any advice. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I guess the truth is I had thought of it, but never for long. I would always find something to occupy my time. I mean there was always something that could use my attention. Though at night, when I lay in bed alone, when I would gaze over to his side of the bed, it made it harder not to think about. His clothes were still in the dresser and chest, hanging in the closet and on the shelves. He was everywhere. In the kitchen, on the sofa, in the shower, I couldn't escape him, so I packed all of his things into boxes and put them in the hallway closet. I hadn't realized how much there was until I looked at all the boxes stacked one atop the other. I closed the door and didn't reopen it. Since, I was having difficulty sleeping, I worked later. I signed on for extra assignments, so when I got home I was so exhausted that all I could do was sleep. To avoid waking up in an empty bed, I slept on the sofa. I thought I had everything under control, I believed I was coping rather well. This day was like so many other days. I awoke on the sofa, with the sunlight just starting to fill the still darkened sky. I sat up, turned on the morning news, stood and stretched my ailing back; it seemed that the sofa was not exactly ideal for slumber. I stumbled to the bathroom and went about my natural business, and then I showered and brushed my teeth. I laid an outfit on the bed, along with socks and undergarments. Then I removed the towel from my waist and wrapped a robe around my slightly damp body. I went to the kitchen and had breakfast, a cup of tea and toast. Then I checked messages and responded to them. Next I got dressed and headed out for work. As you would expect, it was busy, and it went by very quickly. I had a few meetings, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. Then I went to lunch, when I returned I resumed my tasks. I left work around 8:30 pm. I stopped at a bar and grille for dinner. I didn't particularly like the food, I just didn't want to go home, it was too early. The restaurant was pretty empty. There were a few couples scattered about sitting at tables and there were a few loners at the bar watching the game. I ordered a hamburger and fries, and then sat at a table in the corner. I requested that the television be turned to the current tennis tournament and it was. I watched tennis and glanced at my planner, while I waited for my food. Once the food arrived, I ate and continued to watch television. I left at 10 pm. I decided to ride the bus home, instead of taking a taxi, just to kill a little more time. When I got home I did a little studying and went to bed. The next day was the day before the conference, so I had a few loose strings to tighten. I reviewed my presentation with my supervisor and completed a couple of last minute alterations. I left work at 2 pm that evening. I went to the barbershop to get a haircut and then I stopped by the dry cleaners to pick up the clothes I would be taking on the trip. I went back to the apartment and packed my luggage, one garment bag and a medium sized duffle. Then I checked my emails. There was a message from Chuck: Hey Steven, Hope all is good. Just wanted to confirm that I will be in Gilbert Friday evening, around 6:30 or 7. I am really excited, I have gotten directions to the Tonto National Forest, I know you mentioned it. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base, let you know that everything is still on course. Call me when you land. Chuck There were a few other messages, I read them and replied when appropriate. Then I freshened up and headed out for my therapy session. I arrived fifteen minutes early, so I flipped through a magazine. Soon I was greeted by Dr. Berger and she escorted me back to her office. We greeted and exchanged the usual pleasantries, how are you, how was your day, and so on. Then we started with the serious topics. First we discussed my feeling about my mother, which always seemed to go on forever. Then we discussed ways to accept my feeling without guilt. She told me that my feelings were normal and that I needed to come to fully acknowledge them. This lasted for the majority of the session. Once we reached a stalling point, she decided to move on. "So, how are things with Blake? Have you told him how you feel about your relationship?" She asked. There was an awkward silence that was followed by hysterical laughter. "Steven, did I say something humorous?" She asked. "No doctor. The problem is completely resolved." I said trying to halt my laughter. "Resolved?" She inquired. "Yes doctor, resolved." I restated. "How so?" She inquired. "We broke up." I said. "Since Friday?" She asked. "Actually it has been nearly two weeks." I announced. "Two weeks. Why didn't you mention it?" She inquired. "I wanted to work through it on my own." I said. "That is the point of these sessions." She exclaimed. "Well, what's to discuss, what is done, is done. Besides we have plenty things on the docket." I said nonchalantly. "Steven, these sessions will not be productive if you are not completely open." She said. "Alright. Would you like to discuss what happened doctor?" I asked dryly. "Yes." She said. "As you know there was distance between Blake and I when I returned from the clinic." I reminded. "Yes. That is why I wanted you to express your feelings so you could start to break through the barriers." She explained. "Well, it turned out the barrier's name is Jonathan. Apparently they have been seeing each other for months, even before I returned." I informed. "Oh, Steven. How are you feeling about this?" She asked. "What? I don't know." I paused. "Like I said it is what it is, there really is nothing to be done about it." I said. "Okay, who initiated the separation?" She inquired. "I ended it, but only because he refused to break things off with this other guy." I informed. "So, if he would have ended things with this other person you would have been willing to stay with him?" She asked. "I don't know, maybe." I thought for a moment. "It would have just been nice to have the option." I said. "How did the confrontation go?" She asked. "I went over to his place, about three weeks ago," I laughed, "I had made lasagna and I thought that we would spend the night together, but his bed was already occupied." I explained with a laugh. "Did you see them together?" She inquired. "No. Blake intervened and told me that he had company." I said. "What happened next?" She asked. "I left." I said. "You didn't confront him?" She asked. "No. What would have been the point? Acting out is for children." I said dryly. "What did you do after you left?" She inquired. "Well, the night that I found out about this other person, after I left, I went home. Shortly after Blake came and climbed in bed. We just lay there. Then I cried and he held me. Then he had sex with me. After he had finished I asked him about his relationship with the other guy." I explained. "What were you doing during the intercourse?" She asked. "What do you mean? I was lying there." I said. "So you weren't active?" She inquired. "No. I just waited for it to be over." I said. "Well, why didn't you tell him to stop?" She asked. I sighed in distress, "I just didn't care." I paused. "I mean I had laid there many nights before over the past few months and let him do it, what was one more." I said. "This sexual," She paused seemingly searching for the right words, "sexual indifference has been occurring often?" She probed. "I mean, like I said before, the last few months have been difficult. I mean he comes in drunk and he would be all over me." I said. "So, why not tell him to stop?" She asked. "I don't know," I paused, "it wasn't like I didn't want to be with him, I wanted to be with him. I didn't want to turn him away, it was the only time we had together. I just thought that if I were available for him, that maybe he would see that I loved him and we would makeup." I admitted. "This concerns me." She said. "Yeah, it probably wasn't the best decision, but it is a common mistake that people make." I said. "It is not only the decision to use sex to resolve your problems; it is your past that concerns me most." She paused. "This is your first relationship; your first consensual sex. Which is why it concerns me that you had sex with Blake despite your own feelings." She paused for thought. "It is regressive." She affirmed. "No! It is not the same, I love Blake and he was never rough with me. He was always gentle, lots of kissing and holding." I said defensively. "Okay, but when you described the sexual encounter, you said that he had sex with you, not that you had sex together, and when I asked what you were doing during the encounter, you said that you were lying there." She paused and looked at me intently. "I would not consider that reciprocal." She said. "I understand how it may seem, but I think you have misinterpreted this." I said. "Well, perhaps I have, but you described the incidents with your uncle with the same tone and indifference. I just want to explore the commonalities; I would like to discuss it further." She said. "Fine." I said. "How did you feel during the intercourse?" She asked. "I don't remember." I said. "What happened after these encounters?" She inquired. "Usually he would hold me and we would go to sleep." I said. "What about the other times?" She asked. "Sometimes he would turn over and go to sleep; a few times he went and slept on the sofa." I explained. "Did he ever leave afterwards?" She asked. "A few times." I informed. "How did that make you feel?" She inquired. "It was not ideal, but I was okay." I said. "So, you were fine with him leaving? That was what you wanted?" She asked. "No, it wasn't what I wanted, it was just the reality." I said. "Yet, you continued to allow it to happen?" She asked. "Yes." I said. "And you don't think that is comparable to your experiences with your uncle?" She probed. I did not speak. "You don't think that you were compromising yourself in hopes of receiving Blake's love?" She asked. "Are you quite finished doctor? Or would you like to continue to tell me how I felt in the form of a question, so that I can say, hey, yeah that is what I felt." I said pointedly. "Steven I am trying to get you to acknowledge this situation, to be honest. If you refuse to deal with these issues, it will only deter your progress." She said firmly. "Alright. I will tell you how I felt. I felt cheap and dirty. I felt like a whore." I laughed. "It was just like old times, though Blake is much more attractive than my uncle and we used a bed, so I would consider it an upgrade." I declared. "Despite the sarcasm, I am glad that you are being honest." She said. There was another period of silence. "Umm, you said that you found out about this three weeks ago but broke up two weeks ago." She observed. "Yes." I confirmed. "So, what happened during that week?" She inquired. I told her about the events that occurred between Blake and I, from the moment I found out about Jonathan to our final night together. She listened intently, interjecting a question from time to time. Soon our session was coming to an end. We confirmed my next appointment and Dr. Berger escorted me out to the waiting room. I stopped at the bathroom before I left. I splashed my face with cold water and took a few moments to manage my thoughts. Then I headed home. First, I changed my clothes. Trading my slacks and tie, for sweat pants and a tee shirt. Then I freshened up and cooked dinner. After I ate I dinner, I retrieved a blanket and pillow from the bedroom, and started a movie. About an hour into the film, there was a knock at the door. I rose to my feet and stretched, and then went to the door. It was Marie. I opened the door and let her inside. "Hey." I said. "Hey." She replied. "What brings you over?" I asked. "Well, I was on my way to my apartment and thought I would stop by and tell you bye before you leave." She explained. "Well, that is sweet of you. Are you thirsty or hungry?" I asked. "A glass of water would be nice." She said. "Right away." I said as I turned toward the kitchen. "Here you go." I said passing her the water. "So, you are going to bed already?" She asked. "Yeah. I know it kind of early, but I am pretty beat." I said. "Is there something wrong with your bed?" She inquired. "No. I wanted to watch a movie and this is the better television." I said. "And besides, this way I don't have to make the bed again." I said with a laugh. "Oh. So, what time are you leaving?" She asked. "The plane is scheduled to take off at 8:30 am." I informed. "Are you excited about your presentation?" She asked. "Yeah, I am. I think it is going to be good and I am going to see one of my friends from the clinic." I said with a smile. "Oh, which one?" She asked. "Chuck." I said. "Chuck?" She inquired. "Yeah, you remember the guy who confronted me in the sexual abuse group." I paused and looked at her; she still seemed to be at a loss for who Chuck was. "Remember his father died and I sort of comforted him." I said. "I vaguely remember. So you guys hit it off?" She asked. "Yeah. You know, we both were there for the same thing, so it kind of laid the foundation, and he turned out to be a really good guy." I said. "Good." She said sincerely. "I think so too." I agreed. There was a brief pause as I smiled at the prospect of seeing Chuck and she smiled, seemingly at the sight of my joy. "I saw Blake the other day." She said. "Oh really. Where?" I asked. "Downtown, on Washington." She said. "Did you guys talk?" I asked. "We said hello, but he seemed to be in a rush." She said. "Oh, well he was probably busy." I said. "I don't know, maybe." She said. "Maybe?" I inquired. "I don't know, I am probably being silly, it just seemed like he was trying to avoid me." She confessed. I laughed, "Oh." I said. "Yeah, I know it is silly." She said. "Don't worry about it, we all have our moments." I said. "Well, let me get out of your way. I just wanted to wish you luck." She said. "Thank you sweetie." I said. We hugged and kissed, and she left. I woke early the next morning. I showered and had breakfast. I dressed and did an inventory of luggage to assure that I had everything. I watched the early morning news and then headed to the airport. I arrived two hours prior to my flight, so I could complete all the airport procedures and could relax before takeoff. After I completed check in I saw a couple of my coworkers sitting in the waiting area, so I joined them. There were 12 of us attending the conference from our city, three of them worked at the same hospital as me. I recognized some of the others from past conferences and meetings. We were all introduced to each other and went about making small talk. Apparently we would all be staying at the same hotel in Gilbert, so we would probably be seeing much of each other over the next four days. Before long we were boarding the plane. I was a little nervous and recited a prayer in my mind. I know that more people die in car crashes than plane crashes, but I wanted to stack the deck. We all were seated in business class, which quite nice. I had a window seat and sat with next to a psychiatrist from New Haven, a clinic for adolescents. The flight was smooth and the time went by relatively fast. After we landed and collected our luggage, we were transported to the hotel by a shuttle bus. I checked in at the front desk and then went to my room. It was a nice room. Like the lobby of the hotel, it was modern and chic. There were two beds, per my request. There was a sitting area with a flat screen television, an L shaped sectional, a chair and a desk. There was also a wet bar and fully stocked mini fridge. A partition separated the sleeping area from the sitting area. The partition only obstructed the view of the beds partially, but it gave the feel of separation. There was a dresser and a chair. There was a wall of windows that over looked the parking lot and there was a small hallway that led from the sleeping area to the bathroom with a closet on both sides. The bathroom had a large soaker tub and a shower. I really liked the room. After I had toured the whole of the room, I unpacked my luggage and freshened up. Then I decided to take a nap before our first group meeting. I slept for about an hour and a half, and then I got dressed and headed down to a conference room for my first group meeting. We all arrived around the same time. Once everyone was seated, the group leader passed out the itineraries for the conference. The activities were taking place at Arizona State University, East Polytechnic Campus. It was apparently very close to the hotel. The first activity would be a meet and greet, that evening, followed by an overview of the purpose of the conference. There would be a few people speaking about the importance of psychiatric care, the hope of eliminating the stigmatization of psychological disorders, and so forth. The next two days would be spent at the campus from 9 am to 7 pm. There would be three presentations a day that everyone would attend. Between the three presentations there would be various workshops and team building exercises scheduled. We would have our lunches and dinners there also. The conference would conclude with a banquet Friday night. Apparently there would be food, alcohol, and music. Most of us were leaving on Sunday night, but I was staying until Monday evening. That way I could have a little more time with Chuck. After the meeting we all went our separate ways and then we headed over to the campus an hour later. The campus was very nice and the speakers were interesting and they spoke about some very innovative methods. Later that night I sent a text to Blake reminding him that I was away and that he could gather his things and drop off mine. Then I showered and went to sleep. ****************************************************************************** Acknowledgement: Saint Patrick's Day is coming near; time to have some fun, maybe drink a few beers. I hope you all have a wonderful Saint Patrick's Day. Be Safe. ****************************************************************************** Appreciation: Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Vern, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, John J, Harold, Barry, Michael B., Liam, Kris, Bryan, Fred, David, Joseph, Shawn, Bill, Tom, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all. Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated. Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work. ****************************************************************************** Let Me Know: Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. **