Date: Sat, 9 Jun 2012 16:48:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: Bono Torros <bonotorros@yahoo.com>
Subject: Sleepy Days, Come No More_Chapter 40

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 40

The next couple of days were tranquil. I stayed in over the weekend and
just relaxed. On Monday it was back to work and school. On Wednesday I had
my regular session with Dr. Berger. Everything started with the session as
it always had, except she was slightly tardy, but it caused no real
disruption.

We started with general things, such as how I felt at that exact moment and
how the last few days had gone. Then we focused on the conversation I had
with Blake. I told her that I had asked for space and stuck to the
boundaries that I felt were best.

Then she began with some questions.

"I know that it hasn't been long since your relationship with Sean ended
and now there is a more definite separation from Blake, how have you been
doing? How have you been coping with the change so far?" Dr. Berger asked.

"Well, like you said, it hasn't been that long. At first it just felt
surreal. It still feels surreal but now it has settled in more. I mean the
other day I was kind of feeling bad so I was going to call Sean to see if
he wanted to spend the night together. I had literally begun to dial his
number when I remembered that we weren't together anymore. I mean we were
never really together, but you understand." I said.

"Why were you feeling bad?" She inquired.

"I don't know, I had finished work early and I didn't have anything to do,
I felt lonely." I said.

"Are you sure that it was loneliness that was behind your emotional state?"
She asked.

I thought for a moment, "Yeah, I mean I felt lonely." I said.

"Do you feel lonely often?" She asked.

"I don't know, I mean sometimes, but everyone feels lonely sometimes." I
said.

"I would like for you to describe what loneliness feels like to you?" She
requested.

"Umm, I . . . ." I paused for a moment trying to recall how I felt. "It's
hard to describe, I feel sad and maybe a little scared, I just feel like
nothing." I exclaimed.

"Like nothing?" She asked.

"I feel empty, just empty." I affirmed.

"I know that it may be difficult to describe but could you talk more about
the emptiness that you feel?" She asked.

"I just feel that everything is out of my control and I don't know the
purpose of anything, not just on an individual basis, I don't know if there
is a point to anything at all." I confessed.

"How does that equate to loneliness?" She inquired.

I sighed, "I don't know, I guess, I usually feel like that when I am alone
or have nothing to do . . . . . .when there is someone else around it is
easier to be, to be less consumed by it, to feel that things are more
anchored or real. You know? It just helps." I explained.

"You said that you spent long periods of time alone throughout your
childhood and for most of your adulthood. How did you cope with being alone
or with the feelings that plagued you during those periods?" She probed.

I thought about it for a moment, "Well, when I was young, I would watch
television or play imaginary games or sleep." I replied.

"What about when you were older?" She asked.

"When I was older I watched more television, I still imagined things or
dreamed of things being better, I studied a lot, and I slept a lot too." I
explained.

"So you basically did the same things from childhood through young
adulthood?" She asked.

"I guess, yes." I said.

"Okay," She paused briefly and looked down at the notepad that she had been
writing on. "I want to talk about the feeling of emptiness, moreover the
feeling of powerlessness or a lack of control; yes the word you used was
`control'. We have discussed the issues of powerlessness when spoke about
the trauma with your uncle as well as the dysfunction in your parental
home." She said.

"Yes." I replied.

"When you spoke of the feelings you associate with loneliness, you
mentioned fear and sadness. Then you say that you feel emptiness, as though
there is no purpose in your life and also a sense of powerlessness." She
said.

"Yes." I said.

"I know that was a bit redundant, but I restated these things because I
feel they are all connected together, I think that culmination constitutes
your definition of loneliness. Perhaps the sole issue isn't loneliness at
all but the bigger issue of fear, purposelessness and powerlessness which
results in sadness." She explained. "Do you understand?" She asked.

"Somewhat." I replied softly.

"How often are you afraid?" She asked.

There was a period of silence, probably only a minute but the seconds were
long and still.

I took a breath and exhaled, "I don't think about it much, I mean sometimes
when things slow down, when there is nothing left for me to do, I feel a
little afraid. At night when I am alone, I may have a bit of anxiety but I
manage." I said.

"You manage? How?" She asked.

"Yes. I deal with it, I manage. It isn't really that serious, I mean, I
don't want you to think that I am afraid of the boogeyman or anything." I
said with a laugh. "Everyone has moments of fear and anxiety, it is
absolutely natural." I affirmed.

She smiled kindly, "Steven, you are right, we all have our fears and we all
experience anxiety from time to time, but it is not healthy to exist in a
perpetual state of fear and anxiety. And it would seem that you are
constantly struggling with this and only manage through
. . . . . . . busyness." She said.

"I am doing the best that I can. I know that things aren't the best, but
they are not the worse either. I know that I can manage this, I know that
it is within my control, I just have to work a little harder." I exclaimed.

"Steven, if we are going to make any progress with this issue, then you
have to be less defensive. I am not trying to disparage you in any way. I
simply want to get to the core of the problem so we can try to resolve it."
She said calmly.

"I know. I am sorry if I was defensive." I said.

"The issue of control and power are significant. From our time together, as
well as the notes I received from Dr. Meltzer, your issues with control and
a sense of powerlessness stem from your childhood. We have talked about it
in the past but never at length." She paused and looked at me, then
proceeded. "It is completely normal for victims of abuse, especially
physical and sexual abuse to feel powerless. I feel that we have to work on
you accepting that it is okay for you to have felt that way so you can
begin to overcome it." She said.

"Accept it?" I asked with confusion.

"Yes. Accepting something doesn't mean that you endorse it or think that it
is right, it simply means that you acknowledge it as reality. Until you can
accept that you feel powerless you will never be able to overcome it." She
proclaimed. "This is true of every issue that we will and have faced in our
sessions. You must start to accept these things from your past and reassess
your responsibility for what happened. In many areas you blame yourself for
things that were beyond your control and in others you don't realize your
own accountability." She said.

"You feel that I have a lack of accountability? Could you explain that?" I
asked sharply.

"I think that you must be more accountable for the way you manage your
life. For how you manage your emotions and how you choose to cope with your
difficulties." She informed. "You have to choose to do the hard work and
really dig deep." She said.

There was another short period of silence.

"I don't have an opening after our session, so why don't we take a fifteen
minute break. You go to the restroom and get something to drink or a bit of
fresh air, then we can resume." She suggested.

"Alright." I agreed.

I went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. My stomach
was a little upset, probably from tension, so I decided to get a soda,
hoping that it would settle things a bit. There was a small balcony down
the hall from the bathroom, so I went out and stood in the still air.

I tried to gather my thoughts. The session had gone in a direction that I
had not expected. I wasn't prepared to confront some of the things that
Dr. Berger had suggested. The shock left me feeling confused and at sea. I
knew that I needed to steady myself so the rest of the time could be
productive, but in my heart I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away.

The fifteen minutes had nearly elapsed, so I took a very deep breath and
put on my business face. I went back to the office and took my
place. Dr. Berger was standing by a window, but quickly took her seat. She
fumbled with her glasses briefly, which had been hanging from her neck. She
took her notepad from a table and smiled.

 "How do you feel Steven?" Dr. Berger asked kindly.

"Strange. I wanted so bad to leave." I confessed.

She nodded, "That is normal. I am glad that you were able to be honest
about that." She paused. "We were talking about accountability, but that
was a byproduct of the discussion about power and fear." She stated.

"Yes." I acknowledged.

"I just want to reiterate the possible connection between the feelings of
powerlessness and fear, possibly precipitating into the feeling of, of um,
of emptiness or purposelessness." She exclaimed.

"I understand the concept of a loss of power or control lending itself to
fear, but you think that it could also lead to a feeling of
purposelessness? And when we say purposelessness it is in reference to the
broader sense of life in general and not just limited to the personal
sense." I said.

"Yes that is correct. I believe that the lack of structure and safety
provided to you during your childhood would create a sense of
purposelessness or a doubt of the meaning of life. Most people who, don't
even have past trauma struggle with the same things, at one point or
another. It just seems that those who have been traumatized become
disillusioned much earlier." She explained.

"I guess that seems plausible." I said.

"Well, you yourself said that you spent a lot of time removed from reality,
you also watched a lot of television and spent a lot of time drawn within
yourself. All of these things are a very strong foundation for
disillusionment." She paused and gazed at me.

"Please, continue." I said.

"The fact that you had such a dysfunctional life, placed in direct contrast
to the type of shows or social images you saw of what childhood and family
were suppose to represent, could cause anyone to question the meaning of
life. It could have also propelled anyone into a type of withdrawal. It is
a survival mechanism but now you don't have to employ those tactics." She
said.

I took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.

"I think that we have talked enough about these issues. What I want you to
do is take time to think about them, to really evaluate them for yourself."
She said.

"Okay." I agreed.

"I also want you to start using a positive thinking technique. I want you
to start off your days with positive affirmations. I want you to look in
the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself, that you are smart,
that you are worthy of love, that you deserve to be happy, that you are in
control of yourself." She said.

I laughed, "Positive thinking." I said.

"That's right. I know it may feel strange but it has helped a lot of people
change their self image and start to revert some of those negative seeds
that have been planted. Try for a while and see if it makes a difference."
She advised.

"I will do just that." I said with an awkward smile.

"Good. I want to touch on your conversation with Blake." She said.

"Okay." I said.

"You told me the overview of what happened but didn't give any emotional
context. I want to know how you feel about the decision." She informed.

"I felt better about when I decided to do it, I didn't feel so great about
when I said it." I admitted.

"Do you feel that it was the right decision?" She asked.

"Yes. I think that it was the right decision. I need to focus on getting
things in order and we weren't moving forward in our relationship, he is
still with his guy and honestly I wouldn't make anyone a good partner right
now anyway." I said.

"I think that it is a very wise decision to focus on your personal issues
before involving someone else." She said.

"I know that it was a logical decision, but it has only been a few days so
I don't know if I will feel so good about the choice later, but I still
think it was right." I said.

"Well, it is good that you are aware that things may get difficult, it
should help you to cope better. Awareness is always a very important aspect
of living a healthy life." She informed.

I smiled, "Yes, awareness is really something." I said flatly.

We spent the next few minutes just reviewing what we had
discussed. Dr. Berger said that she felt that we had been having some very
productive sessions of late and commended me on my efforts to be more open.

After the session I went directly home. I didn't even take the train, I
opted for a taxi. I was so drained that I went to my bedroom, stripped of
my clothes and climbed into bed. It was still early but I felt completely
exhausted and was fast asleep.

The next few months were uncomplicated; I don't know a better way to
describe them than that. Don't get me wrong I still had some challenging
days like everyone else but they were simpler. In many ways my life had
reverted back to the way it had been before I met Blake. I didn't go out to
clubs or bars. I wasn't being sexually active; in fact after discussing it
with Dr. Berger I had decided to be celibate.

She felt that I had been using sex as some type of emotional validation, as
if I measured my worth by how desirous I was to others. I didn't know if I
agreed completely with her theory but I could not refute the logic or the
fact that I often viewed myself through others, which is why I had become
so isolated and detached from people. That was something else I had
acknowledged in therapy.

Along with therapy, I was also journaling everyday as well as exercising
and meditating too. I had lost weight and firmed up. I was in the best
shape of my life and I felt stronger than I had in a very long time. Though
I stopped going to clubs and bars, I did continue to spend time with my
friends. I went to lunch with Vanessa once a week and spoke with Marie
almost every day, and kept up with Lena and Chuck, I had even gotten pretty
friendly with Luis.

I had also been spending quite a bit of time working with Dr. Janssen or
Adrian, as he insisted I call him. He had started teaching safety and
health courses twice a month at a local clinic, so I assisted him. It was
actually pretty fun and relaxing. We would meet occasionally to discuss the
course and plan different lessons. He did most of the planning, I mostly
just agreed. Though sometimes we would talk about other things too, nothing
personal, just worldly issues.

It was nice having an associate who was in the same field as me. He was
very supportive of my career and advised me of certain lectures and
associations that could be helpful to me. It was like having a mentor, I
liked that.

School was coming to a close and I decided not to take any summer
classes. I chose to increase my therapy sessions to three times a week
during the summer, I thought it would be the most beneficial use of
time. Since I was spending so much time at home, Michael and I were getting
closer. We even talked about our respective childhoods.

He had come from a pretty poor family and his parents never really wanted
children and had little interest in him. They weren't physically abusive
but they were negligent. He had an elder sister but she had run off when he
was young, so they were not close. Despite his difficulty with his parents,
he didn't seem to begrudge them; he simply didn't want to be around them.

Michael and Ryan still were not speaking. Ryan just said it was too hard
only being friends and Michael didn't feel that he could be anything
more. He had been sad about the circumstance for some time but he started
to go out again and had met a nice guy named Malcolm who he had been seeing
for a couple of months.

I think that just about covers everything, except for the one thing you
want to know most. Well, Blake and I had stood by our agreement. We were
not involved in each other's lives. I had seen him a couple of times, which
was pretty unavoidable given the fact that we lived so close to each other,
but there was no contact, just a simple nod of the head. For what it is
worth he looked great.

Everything was going well. I felt more in control of my life, not because I
had become more powerful, but because there was less tension. I was
learning to relax more and loosen up. I was trying to be more accepting of
things that were not in my grasp. I was trying not to be so avoidant of my
own feelings.

It was ironic, the more I accepted my lack of control, the more control I
seemed to gain. I was far from healed but I was making a lot of progress,
but nothing would test my resolve more than the events that were to come. I
was completely unprepared for the task that was about to be laid upon my
shoulders.

The day was routine. I had gone to work that morning and then went to class
that evening and came directly home. I took a shower and changed into some
more comfortable clothes. I fixed myself a quick dinner and sat on the sofa
and watched the news.

As I sat there and listened to who had killed whom, followed by what
celebrity wore what best, there was a knock at the door. It was late for
visitors so I assumed that Michael had forgotten his key or that Marie
needed to burrow something.

I scrambled to my feet and made my way to the door. I looked through the
peephole and saw a handsome stranger standing there.

"Who is it?" I asked.



*************************************************************************

Acknowledgement:

I would like to encourage all who can to make a donation to Nifty. I am
sure that any amount would be appreciated and all donations aide in making
this forum available to us all.

I would also like to thank Jake for giving me some much needed
perspective. It was really helpful Jake and I certainly appreciate it. I
would also like to thank everyone who has taken the time share their
thoughts and encouragement.

Have Fun and be Safe.

*************************************************************************

Comments:

Very interesting conversation, but for me I would've liked to have Blake
come clean out Jonathan.˙ Blake knows all about Sean but he has not told
Steven one thing about Jonathan---even if he is a real person or just
someone Blake made up to make Steve think that he is involved with
someone----maybe to get Steven to get his act together.˙˙ No one really
knows, but I don't think Blake has been too honest----like how can he
profess love for Steven yet be sleeping with someone else?˙ Just doesn't
add up.

Greg

I read the chapter and was really disappointed.˙ I can't believe that
Steven got his way again.˙ He did all the talking and it was what he
wanted.˙ Blake just sat there and pretty much told Steven he would wait for
the end of time for him.˙ Well, I just feel Blake is insecure or Steven
must be really good in bed if he is willing to sit and wait and do whatever
Steven wants and says.˙ Blake should have grown a pair and˙told Steven he
is the one that needs to explain why he went away and apologize for not
being a good partner.

Paul

Steve is having nightmares and his days are a mess. He loves Blake, He
kinda loves Sean. He is devoted to work...Even His friends see he has major
problems...The poor man is like a feather in a whirlpool, spinning faster
and faster, going deeper and deeper. Who has the lifeline to save Him from
Himself?

He is His own worst enemy..He is fighting with his inner self for control
of a life he has no clue how to live..He suffers from a lifetime of
damage..Bless His heart...I so want Him to be happy, I know, it's just a
story, but again, You put so much into the character, and I'm drawing˙ from
Your character, wanting for Him as I'd want for myself...Love and
Happiness..Geez I'm and ole soppy "MO"...



Clayton

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Appreciation:

Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid,
Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Paul, Greg, John
J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam,
Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Emmanuel, Joseph,
Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Gregory, Bill, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce,
Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has
taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make
this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and
administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful
work.

********************************************************************************

Let Me Know:

Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would
also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.

Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

***