Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2002 01:45:40 -0700
From: shakes <shakes003@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Taking of Jakob (Part 15)--Beginnings

This work is copyrighted by the author and may not be reproduced in any
form without the specific written permission of the author. It is assigned
to the Nifty Archives under the terms of their submission agreement and may
not be copied or archived on any other site without the written permission
of the author. The story is one of the writers' from a time long, long, ago
in a land far, far, away. Any resemblance to your experience, or those
living or dead from those experiences is purely unintentional and
completely coincidental.

All feedback is appreciated. Drop a line to: shakes003@hotmail.com and I
guarantee that I will get back to you ASAP.

For Bryan ~ wherever God has sent my angel. May we meet again someday soon
~ for an eternity in your arms could never be long enough. Until that day ~
I miss you. I'll love you forever.

Yours Always,
Jakob


"JAKOB!" My voice rasped as I bolted up and fought my way through tubes and
bandages to find Jakob. There were people yelling at me and trying to hold
me down, but I had to find Jakob. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't
remember what it was. I was confused, scared, and there was something
else-something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"JAKEY, PLEASE!" I begged again, but I couldn't find him. I thrashed around
some more until I felt a firm, but soft hand on my shoulder.

"Mr. Matthews, if you don't calm down we're going to have to tie you
down. You're in the hospital, my dear. You've just come out of surgery, and
at the rate you're going you're gonna end up back in there."

"I'm sorry." I sobbed, and tried to relax.

"It's okay, honey but if you keep that up you're going to hurt yourself. My
name is Lori, sweetie. Everything is okay, just relax. You're in your room
now." She calmly chanted to me while people were frantically moving around
me-moving me, poking me, touching me. I felt like a huge weight was on top
of my belly and I couldn't move it off of me. It felt like it was crushing
me down into the bed beneath. I struggled again to move it off of me, but
everyone was trying to hold my arms down.

"Jakey..." I whimpered before my eyes grew heavy, and the lights seemed to
turn out.



"Uhhhhnnn..." I turned my head as my body racked itself in complete
agony. The weight was still pressing down into my abdomen-only this time it
hurt so badly that I wanted to scream. There was something else heavy on my
chest, but I couldn't maneuver my head enough to see what it was. I
painfully moved my arm from my side in spite of all of the tubing that was
tangled in my way, and felt the familiar softness of Jakob's hair.

"Jakey..." My throat was incredibly dry; my voice practically squeaked as I
tried to say his name. An unexplainable relief washed over me as my fingers
dived through and stroked his delicate hair. I could feel him stir-slowly
lifting his beautiful head off of my chest--his tearing blue eyes piercing
through me. I almost smiled except that I was in so much pain. I mean, my
God! What the fuck did they do to me anyway?

"Bry..." Jakob whispered and tried to kiss me, but couldn't for the tube
that was coming out of my nose. He resigned himself to giving me soft and
tender kisses on my cheek. I tried to smile at him as he came up and looked
at me again-his baby blues were marked with love and concern for me.

"Are you okay? Can I get anything?" Jakob asked quickly between kisses on
my face.

"I fuckin hurt." Was all I could croak out.

"Okay, babe. I got it." Jakob grabbed a grey cord and pressed what seemed
to be a button on the end of it. He then turned his complete attention to
me-his soft hands stroking my face and hair, his gorgeous eyes searching
mine. Not a minute passed before a nurse entered the room with a tired look
to her. I glanced up at the wall and noticed it was late in the day. I'm
sure she was counting the seconds until her shift was over.

"Well, hello!" Her voice sounded a lot more cheerful than her face
looked. "You finally decided to wake up, I see. We were beginning to wonder
about you."

"Uhhhhnnn..." I tried to say something more productive, however my throat
barely allowed the mumble.

"He's havin' a lot of pain, he says." Jakob spoke up for me as his hand
continued to bury itself in my hair--his eyes never leaving mine.

"Alright, hon. I'll be right back."

"Are you okay, Bryan?" Jakob looked so sweet as he worried about me. I felt
my face lighten as I smiled up at him, and watched as a smile made its way
to his face to mirror me.

"I'm okay. I just hurt."

"I love you so much." Jakob whispered as he gently moved the tube from my
nose slightly to the side so his lips could softy caress my own.

"Mmmm...the feeling is extremely mutual." I mumbled groggily as we stared
lovingly at each other-his soft hands still stroking my face. Somehow with
Jakob close to me, I knew that I would be okay. I vaguely remembered
flipping out while they moved me into the room. I was so frightened that I
was alone. I knew I couldn't make it without Jakob with me.

"Alright, hon this will just take a second if your friend would like to
wait outside." The nurse had returned sporting an impressively sized
syringe contained with what I concluded to be the end of my suffering. I
glanced at Jakob and realized he had no intentions of leaving me. He held
his gaze to mine, and I smiled.

"It's alright, ma'am. I want him to stay. He likes my soft and vulnerable
side." I quipped and Jakob blushed.

The nurse just chuckled. "Alright then, sugar. Show us your better half."

Jakob giggled, and I looked up at her blankly, the realization dawning on
me-I was going to have to move. She must have sensed my fear. She smiled
slightly and patted my shoulder.

"It's alright, Bryan. You just reach over to your handsome beau and turn
slowly onto your side. Slowly, Bryan and don't forget to breathe."

I nodded and slowly took a deep breath as I reached through tubes to hold
onto Jakob's arm. He firmly gripped my arm in turn, and helped me ease over
onto my side. I gasped and immediately held my breath as a pain more
powerful than a bolt of lightning released through my stomach.

"Breathe, Bryan. Don't tense up, you're making it worse on yourself." The
nurse commanded.

"UUUUNNNNGGGGGGG!" I yelled out unintentionally as I released the air that
I was holding inside. I tried to breathe slowly and deeply as I was
instructed, but it took everything that I had.

"Shhhhhh...I'm here, Bryan. Can you feel me? I'm right here." Jakob's voice
was soothing, as were his hands as one held onto my arm, and the other
brushed back my hair. "I'm here, Bryan. I'm here." He chanted, as my eyes
were lost in his. I felt myself relax to the feeling of being safe and
loved, and didn't even realize I had been given the needle.

"Okay, Bryan. You can roll slowly on your back again. You're doing
great. Don't forget to breathe." The nurse coached me again as I slowly
turned over-my hand still clutching at Jakob-my eyes never leaving his.

"That was great, you two. You're a good team. We should have him up and
ready to go home in no time."

The nurse left quietly shutting the door behind her. Jakob inspected every
single tube that came out of my body, and tried to untangle the puzzle they
had created. With some effort and a little creativity, Jakob managed to get
the tubing straightened out. He looked at me and smiled as if to say 'who's
the man now?' and I giggled at him as I yawned.

"I better go so you can get some sleep."

"No, baby. Don't leave me. Please stay with me." I reached my hand out and
gently grasped his. He held my hand in both of his, and bent down slightly
to kiss it. His eyes were closed; his head down as his breathing became
erratic and he sat down on the edge of the bed and laid his head on my
chest. He was crying-in fear and relief. I wasn't about to stop him; in
fact it was what I wanted to do as well. All of the fear and emotion--the
unknown was over. Now was a time for relief and getting life back on track.

My arms and hands curled up and held Jakob's head to my chest. No words
were exchanged-we just held the moment still, as if we were captured in a
photograph. Discomfort was soon the winner of the moment, and Jakob moved
into a chair that was pushed up snuggly against the bed. From there he
stretched forward-enveloping me in his arms while his head rested softly on
my shoulder. Jakob was the first one to drift to sleep-it didn't take long
for me to follow.



"Alright, buddy. You ready to go?" My dad messed up my hair with one hand
while he handed Jakob a bag full of my things that I collected during my
two-week stint at the hospital. Mom was even there--her hands full of gifts
and cards I had received as well.

It was a long and painful stay, and nothing could keep me from walking out
the door that day. I was through with hospital food, being told when to
piss, shit, eat, sit, walk and sleep. Tired of the nurses that came in
twice a day to change my bandages. I was tired of being woken up at 4 in
the morning while somebody was checking my IV, or telling me I had to
swallow another pill. Tired of having my ass pierced for pain
medication. Most of all, I was tired of the hassle the hospital was giving
Jakob for not leaving my side.

It was obvious to anyone there that Jakob and I were lovers, but it began
to get on my nerves that that was all everybody saw us as. We were more
than just lovers--we were best friends, partners, and most of all family-a
genuine couple in love. I was irritated with all of the lectures and
ignorance. Nurse after nurse coming in my room to tell Jakob to leave. They
didn't, couldn't, and wouldn't realize that the term 'visiting hours'
didn't apply to him.

"Mmmm..." I groaned as I eased up off of the side of the bed I had been
enslaved to, and stood up.

"Oh, sweetheart!" My mom doted. "I'll bet you're looking forward to getting
home. What are you going to do first?"

"Take a shower. Get me the hell outta here."



Mom and dad drove us home, and were there to help me inside but did not
overstay their welcome. I was happy to be back home, and set on putting
this nightmare behind me, but I was crankier than shit and wasn't shy about
letting everyone know it. Mom went through the collection of bags from the
hospital and started putting things away for me-filing the dirty laundry
away, setting flowers and baskets on the kitchen table, and whatever else I
seemed to collect from the past two weeks was put away without
production. Jakob helped me take off my coat and then he disappeared down
the hall.

I was pacing impatiently in the kitchen by the time my folks actually
left. It was a quick exit despite the hugs and kisses I received from the
both of them. I ran my hands through my hair and felt it's greasy
texture-the feeling making me nauseous as well as the smell of hospital
that emanated from my T-shirt and track pants. I could hear Jakob rummaging
through the bathroom, and the sound was irritating on my already raw
nerves.

I gruffly made my way down the hall and stood in the bathroom doorway-my
coldness slightly melting. Jakob was busy laying out towels and moving
bottles of shampoo and soap so that I could reach them with more ease. He
turned to look at me when he noticed that he wasn't alone in the room and
gave a weak smile-he knew what I was like when I was in one of these moods,
and was always respectful and kept his distance until the storm would pass.

"I knew you really wanted to get in here." He said without expression and
motioned to the tub enclosure. "I just moved things around so you wouldn't
have to bend lots."

I nodded and waited for him to leave. He softly brushed past me on his way
out the door, and I gently grabbed his arm and pulled him back to face
me. His eyes looked heavy and sad, and his posture told me that he was as
exhausted as I was.

"Thank you, Jakob-for everything."

Jakob nodded and brought my hand up to his lips for a tender kiss before he
left me to my shower. I partly closed the door behind him, and pulled my
shirt off very slowly as I was still a bit stiff and sore from the
surgery. I shucked the T-shirt onto the floor and rubbed my eyes-avoiding
the mirror that was in front of me. I had avoided looking at my abdomen at
all costs during the past two weeks. I managed to keep my gaze away from
that spot-not wanting to know-not wanting to be reminded.

I untied the strings that held my track pants up on my waist, and
cautiously bent my body forward a tad so that I could push them off. It was
then that I wasn't paying attention, and standing up too quickly I was
plagued with the horrific reflection of myself in the mirror.

I stood in a stupor-not really believing the person in the glass was
myself. There was a mangled line from my sternum right through to where my
belly button should have been-taped up like some twisted form of
patchwork-little strips of tape placed horizontally down the line where I
was opened up. My breath came out in gasps as my eyes were glued to my
grotesqueness for the first time--my fingers timidly touching my newly
acquired accessory.

"Oh, God..." I gasped in horror as the reflection I saw began to blur. I
staggered backwards and desperately needed to sit down. I stumbled to the
toilet, and put the seat down; held my breath in an effort to suppress the
sobs that I knew were on their way to the surface, and sat down. With my
chin tucked to my chest, the only vision I had was of a taped up belly-my
belly.

I guess it was the shock-I never fully realized how much denial I was in
until I saw that reflection posted in my mirror. Strange noises filled and
echoed off of the walls of the bathroom-to my horror, I realized that it
was me. Panic started to seep into my body, and I was suddenly terrified
and alone.

"Oh, God! Help me, please!" My body shook as I clutched onto my
stomach--rubbing and pulling-trying to will everything away. I sat confused
and alone-blood seeping through a gap in which there was no tape--my finger
poking that spot repeatedly. My whole being was in some strange trance of
helplessness.

"Help me!" I choked. I was holding my breath in an effort to gain some
control. I vaguely remembered being told not to hold my breath-it would
make things worse. I decided to breathe once more and strange noises began
to fill the room again. I looked up as the door swung open-in a blur I was
being wrapped in the warmest arms on earth.

"Bryan...shhhhh...it's okay. I'm here...it's okay."

"Look at me! Look at me!" I cried into Jakob's shoulder as his hands
stroked up and down my back.

"Shhh...I know, Bryan. I've seen it, remember?" He was calm as he searched
my eyes. I nodded my recognition. Jakob had seen it many times--refusing to
leave as the nurses would bitch and complain at him as they changed my
bandages. I remembered the way he held my hand. I remembered his face the
first time they pulled the bandage off of me-his mouth open, and his eyes
had a pained expression to them.

"How can you even touch me? Look at me!"

Jakob calmly stood up, took my hand and placed it on his ass. He looked at
me firmly before saying, "We all have our scars, Bryan." And a painful
memory began to stir inside of me. Of all of the memories that haunted
me-his scars were the worst.

He kneeled down again on his haunches, and leaned into me-his lips pressing
against mine-his hands softly placed on my thighs to hold him steady. I
felt his tongue questing for an entrance and I opened my mouth to his hot
kiss. My hands left my belly and buried themselves in his hair, as our kiss
became hotter and more intense. Jakob eased off and looked at me-his eyes
were burning through me.

"You're beautiful..." He whispered hotly before he planted kisses along the
length of my wound. He reached the bottom and sent a chill through me as
his chin brushed up against my flaccid penis. I groaned with oncoming
desire, and Jakob straightened up and looked me in the eyes again.

"All of you is beautiful. You're alive, Bryan...that's all that matters to
me. This..." he ran a hand up the incision site and then sweetly kissed it
again. "This," he continued. "Is a reminder of how lucky I am. You're
alive. You're beautiful and you're alive!"

I let his words sink in, and decided that he was right. If I had stayed on
the path I had first chosen when I found out about the cancer, it might
have been too late for me. I nodded to him, and his face broke out into one
of his gorgeous smiles. I melted completely--letting go of all my fear and
apprehension about my new appearance.

Jakob's mouth covered mine once again, and our tongues wrestled and
danced. His body was rubbing against mine. His fingers moved up and pinched
both of my nipples before he broke the kiss. My heart was pounding in my
ears, and I tried to catch my breath. It had been over two weeks since our
last sexual encounter-it had been over two months since I had last been
buried within my lover-his sweet body underneath mine.

"Oh, God!" I moaned-consumed in total desire. "How long did he say I hafta
wait?"

"Three weeks." Jakob frowned and then pulled away from me.

"Three weeks? Gimme a break!" I whined and Jakob giggled at me.

"You really think with your dick, don't you?"

"This is the first I've heard you complain about it." I winked and Jakob's
face turned a cute shade of red.

"Go take your shower, hornball." Jakob grinned timidly as he left the
bathroom.

I sat for a little while longer--touching and stroking the wound, becoming
more familiar with it. I pulled off a bit of toilet paper and pressed it to
the gap that I was bleeding from-the spot where I used to have a belly
button. Eventually it stopped-but it stung quite a bit from my finger
frantically poking at it earlier.

"You okay, babe?" Jakob's voice startled me out of my daze.

I nodded and smiled as he approached me slowly. A smile soon covered his
face as well.

"You need a little incentive?"

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"You stink, Bryan. Get in the shower already." Jakob winked and punched me
playfully on the shoulder. I grinned and bit my lower lip as I took a
handful of Jakob's shirt and eased myself up into a standing
position--pulling him in very close.

"Three weeks, 'eh?" I asked hotly as one hand traveled up underneath
Jakob's shirt and began to play with his nipple. My other hand lingered
along the waistband of his jeans-slowly sliding into the front of them,
underneath his underwear, and stopped to cup his growing erection.

"Mmmm...three weeks." Jakob moaned and reaffirmed as he slowly unbuttoned
his jeans and pushed them and his underwear off of his hips. He nudged his
face towards mine, and sexily licked my lips before tugging on them gently
with his teeth. In seconds our arms were wrapped around each other-our
mouths crushed to one another-drinking and tasting of each other.

Between kisses, pinches, playful biting and slapping I managed to get the
shower up and running. I turned from the tub and pushed Jakob up against
the wall-my hands holding his arms up over his head, my mouth invading his,
my body rubbing up against his own-slowly and sensually.

I grabbed him by his shirt, which he was still wearing and pulled him into
the shower with me. My mouth was devouring his neck while his fingers dug
into my back. He moaned aloud and tried to pull me closer to him-his shirt
soaked and stuck to his body like a second skin. I pulled and ripped at his
shirt-trying to get it off of him as fast as I could. I didn't care what
any doctor said. My body needed his so bad that I was sure I was going to
die if I didn't get it.

"Three weeks..." Jakob managed to get out while my tongue was shoved deeply
in his mouth. He wiggled away from my arms, and slowly peeled off his wet
shirt. He had it half way off of his body when I bolted for him-my arms
tightly around his body. Jakob burst out laughing as he struggled out of
his wet shirt-my actions not helping matters in the least, but I didn't
care. His wet and warm skin was stuck to mine and that was all that
mattered to me.

Jakob finally wrestled out of his shirt and our mouths again played
together in unison. We wiggled and writhed into each other-our bodies not
able to get close enough. My hard and leaking cock was pressed against his
abdomen, and he reached down with one hand and began to firmly stroke it. I
worried that he was going to make me work hard for this, but I could tell
by the look on his face that he wanted me inside of him too-on the other
hand he'd probably follow the doctor's orders to the letter eventually if I
would let him. I had other plans.

I let go of Jakob and reached behind me for soap. I took the bar and began
to lather it with my hands. Jakob maintained his grasp on my erection, and
watched me intently as the suds began to fill and cover my hands. He
giggled lightly as I dropped the soap and shoved him to face away from
me. He continued as my slippery hands tickled up his sides making him
wiggle and squirm. Slowly, his giggles were replaced by soft moans and
panting as my hands moved up to his shoulders and started massaging them.

His body was smooth and soapy-my hands glided from his shoulders down to
his soft bottom and then up and around his chest-playing with his hard
nipples while I leaned down to lick and otherwise play with his ear. Jakob
was leaning back heavily against me as I began kissing the side of his
face-my one arm wrapped tightly around his chest. My other hand began to
drift lower, taking time to explore the exquisite feel of the muscles of
his abdomen-then sliding lower past his groin to his inner thigh, and
moving up again to squeeze and massage his balls.

Jakob was clutching at my arm that was holding him tightly around his chest
as my free hand slipped from his two generous globes to his fully hardened
penis-touching and stroking him the way he once showed me a long time
ago-firm but gentle; aggressive but not threatening. His body jerked and
kept bumping back into me as my hand worked his cock--stroking and
caressing, the speed and intensity increasing. His breath was coming out in
full-fledged gasps. It had been so long, and I knew that the moment wasn't
going to last. My own cock was standing at attention--sliding against his
soapy back as he crashed into me.

My hand left his hard on and eased to his ass where my slippery fingers
slid up and down his crack-my fingers tickling and pressing against his
hole. He crashed back into the front of me as my hand slid forward between
his legs from the back--stroking the smooth and delicate skin between his
anus and balls.

"Three weeks, Bryan! He said at least three weeks!" Jakob whimpered as my
fingers crept back up to his hole and started to press a little more
firmly. Jakob struggled for breath, and his legs completely gave out from
underneath his body as my finger dived into his opening and headed straight
for his hot spot. My arm clamped down hard against his chest in order to
hold him upright-my finger probing back and forth over his
prostate. Jakob's body went completely limp-his eyes closed, and his mouth
open.

"Three weeks..." he whispered, but I no longer thought that it was
important what the doctor had said to either of us. As I pushed a second
finger inside of Jakob's tight ass, his weight became too much. His body
began those beautiful and familiar seizures as I eased him to the floor of
the tub. His cock released white ropes of his essence and I held him so
tight-kissing him over and over on his ear and cheek.

Jakob reached up and behind him with both arms-arching his back as he
pulled me closer to him. His face turned and our mouths connected hungrily
as I eased my fingers from Jakob's warm chamber. He whimpered in slight
protest, but then slowly eased his way around to face me-our greedy mouths
never breaking contact. I leaned back against the side of the tub and the
wall as I pulled him to me-urging him to sit astride me; to take my hard
and aching member deep inside of his sweet bowels. Jakob pulled away
shaking his head.

"No..." he panted as he struggled for control.

"Jakey...please. I need you so bad."

"Three weeks. You could hurt something if you haven't already. I can't,
Bryan. You could get hurt-y'know with the strain."

"Jakob!" My voice cracked, as I became incredulous with the prospect of
actually having to wait three more weeks to fully be with the man that I
loved. I opened my mouth to protest quite aggressively, when Jakob hushed
me by putting his hand over my mouth and kissing over top.

"You always say there's more than one way to skin a cat."

"What?" I asked in confusion. Jakob looked down at my hard cock with a
little shy grin, and then eased his way down-leaving a trail of passionate
kisses on my scar, eventually taking my hard and swollen cock into his warm
mouth.

My hands dived in and stayed tangled in his wet hair. My eyes remained
closed. Jakob suckled and let his tongue and mouth manipulate my
maleness--his soft hands contributing to my little piece of heaven on
earth. He knew everything about me--my desires, my fears, my dreams. He
knew every inch of my body-every on and off (though very few) button
contained in me. He was an extension of my very own soul. He was the better
half of all I had ever been.

I came hard and I came fast from Jakob's ministrations.  He let my soul
cover his lips and tongue as he continued to lick and kiss the head of my
cock, until eventually it calmed down and softened. We sat staring in
wonder at each other-our hands grasping and clinging to the other's
hand. The water began to cool as we quickly huddled up to one another and
washed each other's hair and bodies. Jakob was the first to hop out of the
tub-his small body stronger than men that could have been twice his
size-able to hold and lift my tired body from out of the bathtub. We curled
into each other beneath one towel and headed for our nest-away from the
dangers that once lurked over our heads. Safe in the arms of love.



Four and a half amazing years seemed to pass within a week which brings me
here-a heart and soul full of nothing but exquisite memories. Life goes
on-I recovered nicely and returned to that blue-collared job I wasn't
always thrilled with. A nagging boss who was as big a prick after my
surgery as he ever was before. I never really was given the opportunity to
dissect my buddy Mark-nothing was ever discussed about the kiss he had
given me, or the suggestive looks and comments he had made regarding
Jakob. I guess we all have to figure ourselves out in our own time.

My parents remained the indescribable angels of love and acceptance. Our
family wasn't exactly your typical structured system-but it functioned
better than any family I ever knew. My parents played a huge role in
Jakob's and my life-treating him as if he was their own son. Treating him
better than they treated me sometimes, which we always laughed and joked
about.

Jakob-frustrated and realizing he was going nowhere with the job he
had-decided to head back to school. He did it as a joke, thinking a
prestigious university would never accept his application. It wasn't long
after when he received a letter of acceptance into the Faculty of
Nursing. I joked and chided-giving him a hard time for wanting to be a
nurse, but in truth I was overwhelmed with pride. I remembered how he took
care of me those times I was sick, and while I was in the hospital. I knew
he had found his calling. He's just started his third year as I write
this--half way done his degree. It's amazing how time can change
things. Time...

And here I am after the greatest ten years a guy could ever pray
for. Unfortunately some things are not meant to last forever. Love stories
are meant to have happy endings-couples spend the rest of their lives
together and grow old and gray. But Jakob and I are not an ordinary couple
and we never were. Our love knows no limits--none human nor any greater
than human, but we were brought together by horrid and indescribable
circumstances, and we've had to come to terms that that is the way we will
part.

Four and a half or five years is a good run. Perhaps to some it was foolish
thinking that I tried to live everyday like it was my last. Perhaps to some
I was careless or reckless, but after the scare was over I wanted every
single moment to count. I don't regret it--we never know when that last day
of ours will roll around. I thought in the back of my mind I had beat
cancer, and pushed the worry aside. I wasn't expecting it to make a
comeback. I guess that nobody truly does.

There was no hiding in denial this time. After awhile of gradually losing
all of my energy and my stomach pains increased to the point where I knew
it wasn't just the stomach flu or food poisoning, Jakob held my hand and
led me off to the doctor's office. I suppose in the back of my mind I knew
that cancer could quite possibly come back--you're just never fully
prepared for these things when it actually happens.

We clung to each other as we sat side-by-side before the doctor-he gave us
an expert opinion but couldn't know for sure without the appropriate
tests. After another stint in the hospital-a week this time because of some
complications-the tests were scheduled and completed. The tests weren't too
bad, actually. I wasn't sure what sort of poking and prodding they would
want to do, but my imagination was a lot worse than what actually
happened. I recovered well enough to make it home for the time being. Here
I am...

******

It's hard--there's so much shit I want to finish up. There are a lot of
things I want to do for people before it gets to the point where I can't
anymore. I guess that's one of the main reasons for this. Yeah, okay so
it's borderline porn-some parts anyway, but this is how I how I remembered
some of our moments. I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on
you, Jakey. This isn't much, but I wanted to leave you with something. I
wanted to leave you with the knowledge that you own my heart. You always
have, and you always will, whether I'm around or not. These memories are
for you. It's not much, but it's from my heart. I love you.



I don't know how I slept that night. I closed my eyes and every emotion I
ever had in my life rushed through me like a freight train. Images of you
raced through my dreams--your body pressed into mine; the sound of your
laughter; the feel of your weight as you rested on top of me-your warm
breath on my neck. You were smiling as you wrapped your arms around me.

I knew you were gone when I opened my eyes.

I could feel your body--your arm that you always draped over my shoulders
at night-but you weren't there. Your skin was cold and hard. The warm
breath that always bathed my neck in the morning wasn't there. I laid
beneath you for what could have been days. My eyes were closed and I
prayed.

I prayed for stupid things that I knew would never come true. I prayed that
you would wake up and tell me it was all a bad joke. I prayed so hard that
I half convinced myself that it was your heartbeat that was pounding in my
ears. I was never a bright guy. They were wasted prayers. The only heart
that beat in our bed was mine. I took a deep breath and wept.

I tried to turn so that I could face you but you held me so tight. I was
crying out to God or anyone that cared to listen to my agony by the time
that I made it around to face you. You looked peaceful. I must have stared
at you forever-you were always the beautiful one, not me. My lover, my
savior. Maybe that's why God decided to take you away. I was only supposed
to worship Him.

I kissed you and called out your name. You didn't answer to either. I
kissed you again--a last time, and collapsed in a sadness that will never
erase. The home nurse was the one to find me-pathetically wrapped around
you-clutching you to me and refusing to let you go. Your name echoed
through the room as I screamed out in pain. Somewhere in my madness, I must
have been weak. I let down my guard and the nurse dragged me away from
you. And then it was over.

I sat alone on the edge of the hot tub on the patio as they came and took
you away. I could hear mom in the back of my mind mourning the death of her
only son. A death that came way too soon, yet we all knew it was just a
matter of time. It's funny how you're never quite prepared for these things
when they finally do happen.

We exhausted ourselves with the Doctor's and tests. We sat in that room
together and begged them to let you come home. I didn't want another nurse
telling me that I wasn't family--telling me that visiting hours were
over. I was petrified that you'd go without me. At first I thought it was
because I didn't want you to die alone, but I think in the back of my
stupid mind I thought I could somehow stop it. You're probably laughing at
me for that. What can I say? I'm not the brightest crayon in the box.

We hired a nurse to come to our house and those last three weeks we spent
mostly in bed. I missed your body so much, but just laying with you and
talking about things that most people would think ridiculous was a gift
I'll never be able to thank you for. Holding your hand while you drifted
off to sleep because you were on so much medicine for your pain; watching
you struggle to stay awake just for me. Thank you.

This maybe isn't the ending to your book of memories that you're looking
for. I could have ended it a million different ways. Those ways however are
mine. Those memories are for the nights I can't make it through
alone. Maybe "The Taking of Jakob" to you was about the first time we made
love, or maybe about the things that happened that really brought us
together. Maybe the taking is just life. Life always takes from us--at one
point in time or another. It takes from us all but we go on. I'm still
here. There are lots of times that I don't want to be-but I'm still here,
and you were right-life goes on.

You said that the last thing that you wanted to feel before you left was
me. In turn, you wrapped your arms around me as tight as you could
manage. Every night as I lay down in our bed I remember that moment. I hear
those words echo in my mind. I pull the covers over my shoulders and I feel
your arms wrap around me. I close my eyes and I feel your warm breath on my
neck. Every night before I dream of you I hear you say you love me as you
whisper my name...

"Jakob..."