Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2001 13:14:25 EDT
From: Stefan <SSch191950@aol.com>
Subject: A promise and a curse / Part 11

A PROMISE AND A CURSE
by Stefan

http://stefan680.tripod.com/stefanstories/


CHAPTER NINE, Part 2



The world was out of focus and light penetrated his eyelids.  A pulled
curtain, a crucifix over the door and a heavy blanket over his body.
His groping hands searched for his watch. It lay upon the night stand.
Moaning, Sebastian opened his eyes and deciphered the time.  It was
shortly before 11 a.m.  His head felt thick and numb and he was terribly
thirsty.

Carefully he rose, noticed he was naked except his underwear and
stumbled out of the door in search of the bathroom.  This wasn't his
hotel room he recognized so he stood undecided
in the corridor when another door opened.

Sebastian wiped his eyes and focused his gaze on a young man with brown
hair that fell onto his forehead, almost into his eyes.  Brown with
golden spots ... he remembered instantly.  Leandro.  Eyes like a bog,
deep and greenish brown.  The lips smiled.

   "Sebastiano!  Uncle Emilio told me that you're here again."  He stopped
when he saw Sebastian swaying slightly.  "You feel bad?"  He grinned.
His uncle had told him that Sebastian drank too much yesterday evening
so he guided him to the bathroom.

Moaning, Sebastian closed the door behind him and sat upon the toilet
lid.  Jesus Christ, when was the last time he had felt this bad?  With
trembling hands he turned on the water and drank from his hollowed
hand.  He couldn't stop drinking so he ripped down his underwear and
stepped into the tub where he turned on the shower.

The water was ice cold and he gasped.  But after a while his head was
getting clear again.  Leandro.  He tried to remember what Emilio said
last night.  He was constantly speaking of me?  Couldn't forget me?

He looked for a towel and took the next best.  Then he examined his
stubbled face in the mirror and his tired eyes.  Not exactly the best
condition to show up in front of Leandro.  Oh well.

With the towel around his waist he opened the door again and bumped into
the waiting Leandro.  He had folded his arms in front of his chest and
was apparently waiting for him.

   "Bon giorno.  Feeling better now?"

Sebastian grinned, embarrassed and tried to vanish into the room again
but Leandro followed.  "You slept in my bed." he said.

   "Oh." Sebastian turned.  He had forgotten his underwear in the bathroom
and stepped now from one foot to the other.  "Um, you know, I'm sorry
for this."  Then he rushed out of the room and shut the bathroom door
behind him.  There he quickly put on his briefs and felt like an idiot.

Leandro was still waiting in his room.  "We didn't see you for so long.
But I thought about you very often," Leandro said softly.  He examined
Sebastian's underwear and a small smile twisted his lips.  Sebastian
dressed as fast as he could.  He felt uneasy under Leandro's staring
looks.

   "So?" he managed to say.  "Where's your aunt?  And what are you doing
here?  I thought you would be at work already."

   "It's Saturday."

   "Oh." Sebastian nodded.

   "What have you planned for today?  We could make a trip." Leandro
suggested.

   "Well."  He had an idea.  "We could go to the archaeological area if you
don't mind."

Leandro beamed.  "Yeah, sure.  Now come, you must be hungry."

Actually Sebastian wasn't but he wouldn't refuse a strong coffee.





   "Have you heard about a Pacher altar?" Sebastian knelt in the grass and
dug a bit in the heavy sand.

   "A Pacher altar?  What have you to do with that?"

   "I thought you probably had heard.  Could have been."  He looked at
Leandro who knelt beside him.  "My cousin is missing one," Sebastian
related.

   "Your cousin has a Pacher altar? Why isn't it in a museum? I thought
everything of his would be in a museum."

Sebastian sighed. He didn't know why he asked, perhaps just to say
something.

He felt the young man's quizzical eyes. He had to call Kay as soon as
possible. He couldn't stand those eyes.  Leandro was a lovely man but
this was too ... what was it?  Sebastian stood up and looked over the
area. The archaeologists had found here all the box shaped urns, bronze
buckets with claw feet, coins, jugs and even the "Ombra della Sera"
but apparently there was nothing for him that could help him further.

   "What are you actually looking for?"

   "For something from the Villanova people."

   "So?  Wy didn't you say so earlier?  Didn't uncle Emilio say that we
have got some new pieces we haven't examined yet? Perhaps that's what
you're looking for?" He took Sebastians hand and walked with him
through the small paths leading into the town. Sebastian felt awkward
to go hand in hand with the young man but he didn't pull his hand away.
At those midday time there wasn't any people on the streets and the few
tourists didn't notice.

Leandro opened the door to the examination room and lifted a cloth from
a table. Sebastian saw a Kyathos, a draw mug with carved animal motifs
amongst others.  It had a shiny metal surface, almost black, but it was
clay. "Bucchero pottery",  Sebastian muttered.

   "Yeah, but look here." Leandro's finger pointed to an inscription.

   "Mini muluvanike venel vhlakunaie"  Sebastian read out loud.  "What's
that?"

   "We don't know yet.  You know it's difficult to decipher the Etruscan
language but this doesn't sound like that.  We're working at it."

Sebastian carefully turned the mug in his hands.  Too bad he couldn't
take it with him right now and one of the pieces of clay they found in
Rome he had left in his hotel room.  "Can I come back Monday to do some
examinations, please?"  He looked at Leandro.  "I have a piece of clay
in my hotel room we found at the Palatine Hill in Rome.  I'd like to
match it with these here."

Leandro nodded.  "No problem, but why don't you pick it up now.  The
museum is closed over noon.  We have time."

Sebastian nodded slowly.  Actually not a bad idea.  "Wait for me?"

   "Sure."

Back in his hotel room he dialed Daniel's number.  He waited a long time
before he heard his cousin's voice.

   "Danny?  It's me."

   "Bastian!  Great that you call, I had your working place on the phone,
telling me that you're in Volterra.  Kay wanted to speak to you."

   "Yes?"  Sebastian beamed. "Can you get him to the phone?"

   "Can't, dear. He's sleeping. Caught a bad cold. I had to call the
doctor, it began out of the blue, you know.

   "Oh shit, is it bad?"

   "Yeah, tonsillitis. But I'll tell him you called."

   "Too bad. I wanted to ask him if he'd come to me. If he wants to that
is. How is he? Still cross with me?"

   "Well ... " Daniel didn't know what to say. "I don't think so. He
recovered you know." Daniel's heart pounded painfully and the
implications of what they did two days ago hit him like a punching bag.
It had been most selfish of him to allow Kay and himself to share the
night.  But for heaven's sake you're all one company of sluttish,
selfish men.

   "Danny?  Are you ok?"

   "Yeah, I'm ok if you're talking about my state of health."

Sebastian wondered about the remark. "Well, when he's awake, tell him I
miss him.  Perhaps I will be able to solve the riddle of the Palatine."

   "Good to hear, keep me informed, yes?"

   "Could be that I'll pick Kay up when I'm finished here, tell him
please."

   "I will, take care of yourself. Let me hear from you." Daniel hung up
and felt bad. After a glance into Kay's room, finding him still sleeping,
he decided to go into town and pick up Kay's medication.

As he rode downhill on his bike, he passed a little Fiat.  He jumped as
it began to honk it's horn and he swayed upon the bike.  Angry, he got
off and wanted to grumble when he saw who stepped out of the car.
"Roberto?" he asked in disbelief.

Roberto kept a straight face and stretched out his hand.  "Myself."  His
blue eyes blinked as he haltingly began to smile.

   "What are you doing here all of a sudden?  Thought we're through."
Daniel didn't know if he should be pleased or annoyed.  Their affair had
been a hot one and the parting hurt the more.  He didn't want to go
through it again.  But Roberto's eyes were still of a heavenly blue and
his body inviting.

   "Pa said I should ask for work again, you know I'm so bored with the
restaurant."

Daniel remembered that he worked as a waiter and was always complaining
about that.  Spoiled brat, he thought.  "I've sold the apple
plantation," he said coolly.

Roberto blinked again.  "Why?  It was fun to work for you."

Involuntarily Daniel began to grin. "I have the feeling you enjoyed
it."  He winked. "Now, what do you seriously want? You didn't make the
long trip from Rome up here to tell me that you want to work for me?
You know the harvest is in September, eh?"  He thought quickly.  "Wait a
moment, I'll take the bike back and you can give me a lift to town, ok?"

Roberto nodded and watched Daniel driving up to his castle again.  What
am I supposed to tell him?  He thought.  Apparently it was a stupid idea
to go to Daniel - cheeky in addition.   But both had had a lovely time
indeed last year and Danny was a nice man ... so why not?

It didn't take long until Daniel entered the car.  "Drop me out at the
pharmacy.  Have to pick up few things." He watched Roberto's profile.
"Now, what brought you to me again?  I remember last time you said that
you can't stand the backwater here.  Too many old and ill people, so
what changed your mind?"

   "Couldn't forget you?" Roberto suggested and Daniel gave him a sharp
look.

   "You're kidding me."

   "No." Roberto's voice cajoled. "Daniele, I never forgot you." He put
his hand upon Daniel's knee. Daniel felt little electrical impulses
rushing through his body. He tried to shake them off.

   "Stop it," he said low. "If you think you can renew our relationship
you're wrong. If you're in need of work, you must look for a job
elsewhere, not here."

Roberto said nothing.  Too bad he didn't take Andrea's offer to share
the money.  Well, it wasn't too late for that.  The handing over of the
altar went well and soon he should receive a cheque.  Or the account
Giorgio had promised him.  Unfortunately Andrea had left Meran to follow
the older man.

The car reached the city and passed the pedestrian precinct.  The
flower beds stood in full bloom, azaleas and rhododendron, pansies and
Judas trees.

   "Wait for me?  We can have lunch.  Be right back."  Daniel jumped out of
the car and entered the pharmacy.

   "Hope you aren't ill," Roberto said when Daniel came back.

   "Not me.  But I have a friend up there who caught a bad cold."  He
looked at his watch.  "Forget about the restaurant and come with me.
Perhaps he's awake and needs me."

   "A friend?"  He looked suspiciously but Daniel did nothing more than
nod.




In the meantime, Kay walked down to the kitchen to make himself
something to drink when he heard Daniel coming back.  He turned
curiously when he heard a foreign voice.  "I'm here" he croaked.  His
throat hurt terrible and the doc had forbidden him to speak actually.

   "Why aren't you in bed?" Daniel scolded him and rushed him out of the
kitchen and upstairs to his room.  "I met an old friend of mine.  Are
you hungry?"

He studied the box of tablets and put one into a glass of water.  "Here,
every six hours.  You look feverish."

   "An old friend of yours?"

   "Yeah, nothing important," Daniel lied.  "Oh, by the way, Sebastian
called and asked for you."

   "Oh yes? And? Why didn't you wake me up?"

   "Stupid. I'm to tell  you that he misses you. Perhaps he will come to
pick you up when he finishes his work in Volterra. Like that idea?"

Kay nodded and drank the water. Actually he felt like shit and was
happy that Sebastian didn't see him in this condition.  His nose was
running like mad and Daniel tossed him a big box of tissues.  "Ok, I'll
leave the ward.  When you need something call me.  Guess you're hungry?"

   "No."  Kay's voice was weak.  "Just want to sleep some more."  His eyes
closed.  "Tell me about your friend when he's gone."

Daniel smiled indulgently and silently closed the door.  He was relieved
that Kay made up his mind and forgave Sebastian his stupid mistake.
Apropos stupid mistakes ... let's hope the whole calamity doesn't start
again when Kay tells Sebastian what happened here two nights before.  He
had urged him to tell Sebastian about it, otherwise they would have the
same situation as before.

Shaking his head he went downstairs to find Roberto in the kitchen. He
had taken spaghetti from the pantry, and was chopping tomatoes. Beside
it Daniel saw thick slices of bread, fennel, onions, oil and aceto.
Roberto beamed. "Guess you missed my panzanella salad, didn't you?"

Daniel grinned. "Of course I did - sometimes."  Somehow Daniel felt
like in the old days when Roberto had shared the castle with him and
behaved like a little whirlwind in his life. He sure was a spoiled brat
but he could be very lovely, letting Daniel hardly have time to take a
deep breath and to ponder about the use.

   "Where do you stay?"  Daniel asked.

   "Little Pensione." He couldn't tell him about Giorgio's house in the
hills.

  "You haven't got much money, right? Well, you could stay here for
the night."

   "And your friend? Where is he?"

   "Upstairs, sleeping again."

Roberto finished his chopping. "Your lover?"

   "No." The answer came too quickly so Roberto gave him a curious look.

   "All right. I'll accept the offer."  He turned again and grinned.



                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


   "Want to tell me about your boyfriends?" Ben asked quietly.  They sat
upon the couch in Kay's old flat overlooking the museum's area which was
softly illuminated by the early evening hour.

   "Boyfriends?"  Simon tasted the word on his tongue as it would be the
wrong term.  He still felt weak and was glad that Ben was there for him
although he had to leave him each morning to go to the academy.  As
promised, Ben would take some days off very soon but since Simon didn't
feel too well they had decided that it would be too exhausting for him
to drive around so they settled for the new flat.  Simon enjoyed it
anyway.  He shifted a bit. "No, can't remember."  He hesitated.  "Yes, I
can remember.  All of them.  Sometimes they come back to me in
nightmares."

   "I'll be here now." Ben said soothingly.  He still didn't ask him about
the strange photos he had found and was most unsure if he should bring
up the topic.

   "You know all those men.  I have had enough of it.  I told you before
that it isn't about living out horniness, I sold myself one time too
often.  You understand?"

Ben wasn't sure if he meant Frank so he remained silent.

   "I was in Hamburg after Marcus and I broke up. I couldn't stand the
presence of my parents.  Surely I could have taken my own flat in Berlin
but I wanted to be as far away from them as possible. I had money
enough from my account to have found a nice flat for myself." Simon fell
silent. He couldn't remember the names of all his boyfriends he had.
Boyfriends. He valued once more the taste of this name on his tongue.
Of course they were boyfriends in a rapid changing way but they were
boyfriends nonetheless and Simon had hung their hearts on them as far as
it was possible for him. Perhaps he had lost a little piece of his
heart everytime so that there wasn't much left now for Ben.  He shook
his head.  He certainly did read too much recently. Everytime he fell
in love but couldn't hold on. Or they couldn't hold on. Perhaps a
man's life is ruled by his cock but where's the place for heart and soul
then?

He looked at Ben who had his eyes closed. He was sure that Ben's first
intention was to make him happy but he hadn't figured out yet the reason
for this.  Certainly it couldn't be Simon's charming personality.  He
wasn't that charming. Was he?

   "One night I met a man in a bar. Joachim, shortly Jo. He was much
older than Marcus but I didn't object.  He was ... "  What was he? A
gentleman?  That would hit the nail only partly. Sure he was cultivated
but he had very irritating traits, a sly look, a clever behaviour and
when Simon learned that he had connections to Hamburg's underworld it was
much too late. Simon had fallen in love again. Briefly he remembered
his diary he was writing.  Perhaps he would give it to Ben to read and
this would be explanation enough.

   "He was clever you know.  Told me that I'm the boy he searched for so
long.  Good looking, saucy and careless.  He owned several night bars
with strippers and prostitutes, not only male ones but with a mixed
audience as well.  I didn't object.  He had money that was all I had
been interested in."

That was a lie, he thought. I did like him and that he had money was a nice
bonus.

   "Really?" Ben interrupted.

   "Not really, I could lead the life I once led with Marcus.  He was nice
to me, promised me everything if I stayed with him."

   "Must have really been in love with you."

Simon smiled weakly. "Don't think so. You know, after some months he
made me a proposal. He knew that I was a randy lad so I had nothing
against entertaining to some of his friends too."

Ben's head turned in surprise. "Entertaining some of his friends too?"
he repeated.  "You slept with them to please this Jo?"

Simon nodded.

   "The photos," Ben muttered all of a sudden.

   "Huh?"

Ben shifted upon the couch to look fully into Simon's face.  "I didn't
tell you but I found photos amongst your clothing as I packed the
suitcases."

   "Oh.  Yes."  Simon seemed to be embarrassed.  "I took some of them with
me, don't know why.  You guess the rest?"

   "Jo took the photo's, yes?  And video's as well?  But why?"

   "Some of the men were hot shots in politics and science.  Don't know
exactly.  They all paid to hide it from their families, wives, etc."

   "You knew it?"

   "No.  At first I didn't know.  Jo took the photos from a one side mirror
so I had no clue.  Then he told me but it was too late.  He used me but
I didn't say no."

No, I didn't say no - first, Simon mused. He focused his gaze upon the
classic building down on the isle. The men were nice, they had money and
it was far from being as disgusting as all the fucks he found on the
streets later with Oliver. And he never had so much sex in his entire
life.  Some of them were really shy and he had to teach them about the
right use of their hands, tongue and cocks. Simon sighed and almost
grinned at the recollection.

   "And then?"

Simon shrugged his shoulders.  "One day I had enough, that's all."

   "But, I don't understand.  You blackmailed those men and you weren't
afraid to go?  I mean you're in Jo's hands.  What if he had followed
you?"

   "He was in my hands as well."

Ben nodded and shook his head at the same time.  What a world.  He
cleared his throat before he said, "How many men had it been?  Many?"

   "Too many."

But the worst was still to come after he returned to Berlin
and got Rene's call for an AIDS test.  It was the time when Simon lost
the ground under his feet.  Jo had urged him to use a condom always so
the men weren't in highly danger but, to be serious, this didn't bother
him in the least.

His brother and the connections to his old life in Berlin had been cut
and he didn't want them to know the state he was in.  He was too
ashamed.  Nobody should know, neither his parents, nor his brother and
in no way Marcus.

   "After my return to Berlin, I found Rene again in a bar.  He was the one
who called me to tell me that he's HIV positive.  So I went for a test
of my own.  The rest you know.  Well almost."  He thought about Oliver.
Ben had no clue about him.

   "I don't know the rest.  Why you had to go on the streets selling your
body?  Why didn't you ever call your brother?"

   "What difference would that have made? I was positive too, nobody in
the whole world can help me. I lived from day to day, spent money where
I could until my credit card was canceled.  Didn't pay the bill. Sure
that would have been the time for a call, but I didn't do it."

   "You're a dickhead." Ben sighed.

   "I know."

   "You never heard from Jo again?"

Simon shook his head.  "How could he find me in this big town?"

   "You said he was sort of a boss of the underworld, Mafia?  Mafioso have
their connections."

   "I don't mind, Ben.  The matter never came up.  So I don't waste a
thought about it."

Ben sighed once more.  He felt a bit sick and didn't know what to say.
Simon looked at him and lifted his head.  "I have no idea why you care
about me," he whispered.  Certainly I'm a piece of shit.

   "Fishing for compliments, huh?" Ben croaked.  "How can I tell my heart
to stop loving you?"

   "Loving me?"  Simon smiled.  "You aren't serious, are you?"

Ben nodded.

   I'll try to put up with it, I promise.  I lived a life that's enough for
two lives and I'm only 23."

Ben laughed bitterly. "Yeah, you did."

   "I'm glad you're with me," Simon was still whispering. He loosened the
clip of Ben's ponytail and dug his fingers into the black hair. "I'm
looking forward to your holidays. Your teacher doesn't object?"

   "No. I told her my aunt is ill and I had to visit her in another town."

   "So? Then we shouldn't get caught in town.  A good reason to spend the
holidays in bed."  His dark eyes sparkled.  That was the Simon Ben liked
so much.  He giggled and grabbed Simon's hand which still rumpled his
hair.  He pulled him even closer to his body and pressed his lips upon
Simon's until they opened and allowed his tongue to slip in.  At the
same time he felt Simon's fingers open the zip of his jeans, creeping
into the waistband of his pants, searching for his penis, stroking it
and bringing it to full erection.

Ben moaned into Simon's mouth, opened his legs wider but Simon pulled
back his hand.  Without a word he broke the kiss and motioned Ben to
lift his butt to pull down the trousers, then he bent down and his head
vanished between Ben's legs.  Ben threw his head back, leaned it on the
sofa and enjoyed the attention.  Certainly it felt good ... Ben's face
muscles jerked involuntarily.  Not only good, it felt fantastic.  Simon
knew what he did ... what he had to do to please his customer.

Ben's body tensed and he opened his eyes wide.  He looked down, saw
Simon's rosy tongue working his shaft so skillfully, licking the
droplets, swallowing the head of his cock, circling around and at the
most sensitive spot beneath the crown that Ben shivered while Simon's
fingers played softly with his uncovered balls.

Customer.

He blinked and took the glasses from his nose to lay them aside.

Customer.

Simon breathed heavily through his nose, giving approval sounds.
Perhaps his customers like to hear this to increase their own arousal.
Ben dug his fingers into Simon's dark curls and lifted them from his
forehead.  His penis had vanished into Simon's sucking mouth.  A long
time trained action.  Clear and clinical.

Simon pulled at Ben's legs and Ben slid down the sofa, spreading his
legs even more so Simon now had full access to his butt hole.  His
fingers crept forward under the balls, rubbing the way slightly with his
short fingernails and Ben inhaled sharply as a finger penetrated, poked
forward, searching and finding.  Ben's cock twitched in Simon's mouth.
Velvet and warm, covered with saliva, slippery and throbbing in the same
rhythm as his arsehole now ...

Customer.

How much Simon usually got for this attention?  What was the price for a
blow job like this?  What was the price when he lifted his arse high in
the air, offered it for hundreds of cocks.

Ben's outcry was painful when he came and Simon dropped his penis
immediately, looking up scared.  Ben's semen squirted uncontrollably
into his face and he wiped it.  "What happened?  Did I hurt you?  Simon
rose and bent over Ben's twisted face.  He stroked his cheeks until Ben
opened his eyes again.  "Say something, Ben."

   "I'm all right," Ben's voice was hoarse.  "I just had to think about..."

   "About what?"  Simon wiped his face again with the sleeve of his shirt
and smeared the remains of Ben's semen over his penis.  It was a feather
light touch and lovingly.  "I'm sorry if I did something wrong," he
said.

   "You didn't do anything wrong.  It's just ... it's ... "  He couldn't
tell him what he was thinking.  He wasn't sure what Simon did when they
made love, was it because he loved Ben or was it out of sheer habit?
With the only exception that he wasn't paid for it?

But Simon's face was innocent in this very moment and relaxed.  Then a
shadow flitted over it.  "You thought about how often I did it to other
men, right?  Is it the reason for your ... pain?"

Ben could only nod and a sudden cramp filled his stomach.  Simon sat
beside him and pulled him into his arms.  His hand again found its way
to Ben's limp penis and stroked it.  But he remained silent.

   "I just can't help it," Ben said low, "it came to my mind."

   "It's ok. You must hate me for my past."

   "I don't hate you" Ben said tired. "It's just still the shock about
what you told me right now."

   "Shock?  You didn't look like you were shocked. I thought you would
have a little understanding."

Ben rose and looked soberly at Simon. "I'm not sure if I understand
you.  It makes me somewhat sick." He dropped his gaze and Simon was
seriously hurt.

   "You're disgusted, confess", he said aloud. "I shouldn't have told you
then. I thought I could trust you. I ... Nobody knows about it, I was
too ashamed to tell, but I thought ... " his voice trailed off.  But Ben
couldn't bring himself to say something soothing.  So Simon stood and
silently left the room. Ben sat there in a daze for a moment, then he
lifted his pants and trousers and followed Simon out of the room. He
found him in the other room where Ben had gathered all his painting and
pottery utensils.  Simon stood in front of a potter's wheel and a chunk
of clay. Ben had prepared it to work with it.

He left Simon alone and looked instead at the painting Marcus had made
of Simon and had sent over to Simon's old flat several weeks ago.  Ben
had brought it when he packed Simon's stuff.  He studied the naked body
who held a soft towel in front of his genitals, the round orbs of his
butt sticking out, up to the face with the cheeky grin and the two deep
dimples.  This was another Simon.  A healthy Simon.  A mentally carefree
Simon.

His eyes wandered back to the real Simon standing there, looking down,
his shoulders hanging.  Silently he stepped closer and embraced him from
behind.  He leaned his head against Simon's soft curls and sniffed the
scent.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.  "Give me time to understand, will
you?"

Simon didn't move.  "I don't want you to feel pity for me," he said
muffled.

Ben moaned silently.  "I don't feel pity for you."  Well, a bit, he
thought.  "Please drop that pittyness theme.  You said it before and I
think it's becoming pathological at your side."

He tried to  turn Simon to look him in the face.  Simon let it happen.
His eyes were a bit puffy from unshed tears and Ben was surprised.  He
never had thought that Simon could cry.

   "Forget your past.  It's over.  Let's try to begin a new life, yes?"

   "But you're the one who can't forget the past!"

   "Me?  Well, you'd just told me about your past and I had to react
somehow.  Perhaps my reaction was wrong but I couldn't help it.  I said
I'm sorry for it."

Ben's eyes began to sparkle in anger.  He didn't bring his glasses and
Simon marvelled over the clear, hazelnut colour.  He couldn't let loose
of Ben anymore he thought out of the blue. He was too involved now,
wasn't he?

Start a new life!  How could he say that?  Had he forgotten that Simon
was doomed to die sooner or later?

   "We all have to die."

Simon's eyes widened.  "You read my mind."

   "Of course.  You think because you're infected, your life is over or
something.  You don't have to care anymore about you and the feelings of
others. If this is the case  you can go and live your life in a desert
as a hermit where you won't meet any people you can hurt."

Simon wanted to get free but Ben's grip was strong. "But if you decide
to stay here with me, you have to begin a new life. Jesus, you're not
that ill, you survived the hepatitis and it seems as if you'll be all
right completely. You won't die tomorrow, next week nor in the next few
years. Understand finally! That is, if you take care of yourself of
course. So all I want to ask you is to give attention to my feelings
too. I don't mind what you did in Hamburg." Ben paused a second. "I
mean, when I worked it out finally. Give me a few days and I will try
to understand. I'm sure I will. And I don't want to hear any other
horror stories. They are over."

He glared intently into Simon's eyes and Simon didn't blink.  Perhaps it
was that moment when he realized that there would be other things for
him to live for.  Ben's try to shake him of his self pity feelings
succeeded slowly.  For now.

   "So, is it a deal?" Ben asked.

Simon nodded and wrapped his arms around Ben's body.  He buried his face
into the angle between Ben's neck and shoulder.  Again 'perhaps' was a
nice word to think.  But still he was convinced that Ben was simply too
good for him.  "You don't think I'm too dirty to touch?" he asked
indistinctly.

   "Rubbish. I guess I proved the contrary already, didn't I?"

Ben was feeling like he had a hurt animal in his arms.  And he wasn't
quite sure if Simon was serious.  But he would give it a try.  It was
too good to feel his body, to have him around and he lived for the hours
when Simon completely forgot about his illness and was the carefree lad
he always had been.  He would fight for that these hours would expand to
weeks and months.  He vowed it to himself.

Simon lifted his head from Ben's shoulder and looked him directly in the
eyes.  "Yeah, you proved.  So what do we do with the first day of my
brand new life?"  His mouth twisted into that impish grin which matched
the grin in his portrait on the wall and Ben's heart skipped a beat.
Perhaps he was too charmed by those grins ... No, somewhere under the
hard shell must have been Simon's soft side.  After all Marcus must have
seen and loved it.  And he would find it, yes.  Ben nodded to himself.

Simon was still waiting for an answeer.

   "I could cook for you on our first day of your new life.  Think you
should have something proper to eat."

   "Gosh, no mashed potatoes and apple puree!"

Ben laughed. "No. Guess I'll find something better." He took Simon's
hand and went with him into the kitchen. Kay didn't have much equipment
there, but the microwave was useful Ben thought. He never had one but
it shouldn't be that difficult to handle. Something dropped into his
mind. "What about Marcus' money? You know we wouldn't be able to hold
the flat when Kay wouldn't still pay for it. But what about all the
other things?"

   "Kay's my brother, but to take money from Marcus is a different thing."

   "Geez, why are you so complicated?  When Marcus had offers, you can
take it. Why not? He has enough money."

   "I don't want to swallow my pride for all eternity."

Ben turned surprised. "So that's the reason? But you never hesitated
to take the money from your parents. Isn't it the same? Look, Marcus
is still a friend.  He loves you, I know it. Well, in a different
way now I think, but nevertheless. It's not an alms. It's friendship."

Simon raised his eyebrows. Perhaps Ben was right. Friendship.

   "I suppose you don't want to sell stuff for your future life? Remember,
a new life has begun. So if you don't want to take Marcus' money we
have to make plans. What have you learned?"

   "Nothing."

   "Ah! Nothing.  Fine."  Ben plopped down in the kitchen chair and pulled
Simon to the other. "Kay also didn't learn anything and yet he found a
job as sales clerk at Cerruti's shop.  And I don't think they would take
everybody from the street."

   "Perhaps he fucked the owner."

Ben grinned.  "Yeah, he would do that, wouldn't he."

   "So you want me to play hawker, offering myself for nothing?  What can I
do?  Clean the streets, join the dustmen, but I think I'm to weak for
that. What else? I can't even clean windows. Selling newspapers, yes,
but then I would have to get up very early in the morning, fancy that?"

   "Go back to school."

   "School?  I hate school.  And what shall I learn?"

   "Aren't you interested in something?  You were reading a lot recently."

   "Yeah."  Simon enjoyed it more than he would confess.  He was not simply
reading, he had swallowed the books.  He had begun to write sort of a
diary every evening, unnoticed by Ben.  The beginning had been difficult
for him but now it became his usual habit and he quite enjoyed it.  He
even thought that he wasn't that bad at writing.  It sorted his thoughts
and feelings and his brain was sharp enough to analyse them like a
surgeon's scalpel.

   "And?" Ben asked.

   "I enjoyed it."

   "I watched you writing every evening."

   "You did?" Simon exclaimed.  "I thought you wouldn't know."

   "I know.  What are you writing?  Diary?"

   "Well, not exactly."  His voice was almost timid.  "It's about my life.
If you're interested you can read it, although you said, the past is
over.  And it deals a lot with my past."  His look was evasive but Ben's
eyes sparkled in excitement.  "You would let me read it?  Yes, I said I
don't want to hear those old stories, but ... I would like to read, if
you don't mind, or if it isn't too personal."

   "It is."

Ben smiled warmly.  Yeah, that it was.  Simon's shell began to crumble,
slowly, but it started.  He took Simon's hand and played with the
fingers.  "I would love to read it."

Simon smiled back.

   "Perhaps we can make a famous author of you."  Ben grinned and Simon
snorted.  "Yeah, earn millions of Marks and we wouldn't need Marcus'
money."  He interrupted himself.  The question still demanded an
answer.  Why not take his money and be carefree of all sorrows?
He cleared his throat.  "About the money ... I think we could need it,
what do you think?"

Ben nodded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 10 is close at hand, stay with us.