Date: Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:48:23 -0700
From: Pete McDonald <bajabudfan@hotmail.com>
Subject: TIME-TO-SEE-37-

TIME-TO-SEE-37


"Alright, Mr. Ramirez, if you'll just put on these earphones and step into
the booth in front of you."

The earphones looked huge to me and were as big as the bandages they had
put on me right after my operation.  And the booth looked like a
confessional booth that they borrowed from Our Lady of Perpetual Peace
Cathedral.

The operating instructions they gave me were simple: "There is a button on
the panel in front of you.  When you hear a tone you press the button, and
you hold it depressed until the sound goes away."  "Okay. Simple
enough... Let's get started," I thought.

But they went on and on... (duh!...) "Now be careful.  Sometimes the tone
will be very, very faint... that is, you may still be hearing it, but it is
very low in volume we say.  Some of the sounds will be high frequency tones
(Like a whistle), and some will be low frequency tones or we say Base.

We know that it gets boring going through these exercises, but they really
are the only way we can determine what you are hearing, the volumes that
you can hear, and when you are registering silence.  Silence--or no
sound--is just as important to us as sound.  We want to know whether your
new cells are inventing sounds and telling you something is vibrating your
eardrum when it isn't... Don't worry. People with normal hearing aren't
sure whether there's silence sometimes... Just try to be as accurate as you
can be...Then we'll talk about it when you've finished.."

Autiometric testing confirmed that I had acquired hearing competence in all
frequencies from 15 to 21,000 cps, a generous, normal range of hearing,
they told me.

And as I continued my music lessons with Guillermo, I discovered an unusual
hearing capacity I'd acquired, right along with the new hearing itself: I
had perfect pitch, or Absolute Pitch to be technically correct.

That's the condition where I could hear a note and identify it by it's
octave and name, or produce a tone named for me, using my voice, without
any external reference.  None of the measured capacities described in
testing or in my guitar and music studies seemed bazaar to me... They just
happened, and suddenly I could hear all of these things.  I was beginning
to feel pretty happy with my new abilities...

But I have to admit, most important of all, of course, I could hear other
people, and talk with them, and hear them say whatever they had to say,
especially, "I love you."  That was the most wonderful experience of my
entire life.

It was well into a month after my operation, and I was working very hard on
my language studies and guitar lessons every day.  In fact, my days were
filled largely with these two activities.  Then, in the afternoon, Kevin
and the boys would show up, and we would talk and laugh and enjoy one
another.

Everyday, the boys would delight in bringing me new jokes that they could
tell me.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?  A: To get to the other
side... (Groan!!!)

Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?  A: There was a car coming.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?  A: She wanted to lay it on
the line.

Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?  A: She was afraid someone
would caesar!

AND

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?  A: To prove to the possum it could
actually be done!

But they laughed at their own jokes no matter how lame, and they delighted
no end to entertain me.  As for me, I felt loved by all of their attention,
and I learned a vast array of jokes that I could tell my teacher, who would
groan too in response...  Life's simple pleasures are the best...

I was beginning to hear from Dr. Kavanaugh and his staff that day 42 might
be my "Launching Day."  That is, they thought that I might be ready to go
out into the world by that day.

One afternoon, just before that happened though, Craig showed up at the
hospital, doned his "Martian Gear" and visited me in my quiet room without
Jake or anyone else.  The nurse asked me whether I wanted to see a
Mr. Craig Zimmer, but I was ready to explode for visitors--
always. "Absolutely! Let him in!" I answered.

"Thanks for letting me in.  I thought I'd just take a chance that you'd see
me," Craig said.

"Oh, yea, man! I'm so eager to feel like a normal person who gets a visitor
that doesn't have to be processed through security... I'm beginning to feel
radioactive," I answered.

"What's up? You must have something to be willing to go through wearing the
Martian Costume get-up..." I said.

"Well, yeah! It's sort of embarrassing, but maybe you won't think I'm too
self-centered for stopping by..." Craig answered.

He went on, "You know how I asked you whether you'd be interested in doing
some art for one of my floral projects? Well, the Publishers of Platinum
Children's Books are having a convention in San Diego, and they sent me an
RFP-- that's a Request for a Proposal-- to provide floral decorations for
their closing banquet...


"You know, important people in the industry have dinner in the Hyatt hotel
dining room: give each other awards, probably drink champagne and overeat."

Craig saw that he had my undivided attention at this point. "I was thinking
that you might be able to either do some stuff yourself, or make guiding
sketches and supervise another artist in the actual production for displays
on the walls and maybe smaller artwork for table decorations.  I'd create
flower accents after I see what you might have in mind in the way of
scenes...  What do you think?"

"Uh! Well I'd like to help you out, but I haven't read any Children's
books..." I said.

"Oh, that wouldn't be a problem.  I could bring you the book I had in mind.
You could read it, and then see what scenes came to you...  At least, maybe
that's one way to approach it..."

"What book would you want me to read?" I asked.

"Alice in Wonderland. It's the English classic by Lewis Carrol (Charles
Lutwidge Dodgson).  You'll enjoy reading it too. That is, if the whole
project doesn't sound insufferably boring already. Would you be willing to
give it a try?" Craig asked.

Well, with that I took on my first job for Craig.  And not the least of my
excitement was his Fee for Service Offer of $10,000 for the whole job! (I
nearly passed out! I'd never thought that I would ever earn that much money
at once-- EVER!)

I had to sit down and figure out just how much I'd be getting for doing
what sketches, how many wall-size ones and how many little ones for the
tables.  But the immediate thought of $10,000 made my heart pound.  I just
had never been able to earn this kind of money before... ever!  "Wow! I
can't wait to tell Kevin," I thought....

"Well, sure...bring me the book..."

"It's right here," Craig said as he produced a 500 page hardback book whose
size kinda shocked me...

"I'll read it and make some preliminary sketches for you.  How big is the
dining room and how many wall-sized sketches do you think would be needed?"
I asked.

"Well, I think we'd need four 4' by 6' panels for each of the four walls,
and probably 20 table decorations." Craig said...

"OMG" I thought.... That's a lot of fucking work! But with a little quick
mental math it seemed like maybe $100 per table, and $500 for each wall
panel.

"Well, that's really a lot of work, and if I have to supply the paints and
oversized paper for the walls, I'd say that it would be kinda minimum
wage... Each of those panels will take 50 hours easily, just the size
alone.  Intricacy would be up to us, I suppose... Do you think I'm being a
pig?" I asked.

"No.  I need for you to be entirely realistic.  Yeah! I see what you
mean. Let's make TWO proposals: If our preliminary sketches are really good
and the floral accents striking, let's propose the project at double their
offer.. Like at maybe $20,000." Craig suggested. "Then we can suggest a
stripped down version for the $10,000 figure they are offering. (Maybe
reduce the wall work to three scenes per wall.)  Can't hurt to shoot high,
yet cover ourselves if they're in a cost-saving mode."

You can't imagine how scared I was.  Can you imagine ME, Hugo, getting
$10,000 for MY art work!  That's a fantasy... Or so I thought at the
time...

Craig said, "Okay.  I'll get back to you in two weeks.  Maybe you can read
Alice in Wonderland and knock out some primitive sketches good enough for
the two of us to discuss, and then we can decide what we ought to do from
there...  Can you live with two weeks?  Is that too much pressure for you
while you're still in the hospital? I don't want to pressure you and
destroy your hearing.  That would be like committing murder, and I couldn't
live with myself." Craig asked.

"Uh? I don't know," I said...

"I'm pretty scared I won't be able to do what we're thinking..." I went
on...

"Look.  Nobody has ANY expectations right now.  Just you do your thing, and
then we'll decide what we ought to do next.  Maybe we'll decide to scale
down everything a whole lot.  I don't know.  But if you feel like it's
pushing you with your other responsibilities, just let me know and we'll
slow it down or maybe even "sit this one out"... There's always the next
one," Craig said.

And with that he left me with more to think about than I had EVER had to
consider in my working life.  My life and my skills were valuable now.  I
really didn't understand the notion of "pacing one's self".  But I learned
it on this project, that's for sure..

Kevin and I talked about Craig's offer to involve me in his RFP for the
Publisher's convention.  "Look, Hugo, your life is opening up like a
gorgeous rose, but I have to tell you that it scares the shit out of me
that you might push yourself to meet art production deadlines and wind up
destroying those new hearing cells."

"Kevin, I really DO understand what you mean.  That scares me too, but, on
the other hand, I feel like I have to try.  My whole life I've only cleaned
up puke and washed floors and vegetables for $10 an hour.  This might be a
chance for me to earn a better living-- which will be for all of us,
Kevin. The boys are going to cost money too.  I mean if we give them the
best opportunities for good educations and we travel a little." I told
Kevin.

"What about your language lessons and your guitar lessons, are you going to
drop them?" Kevin asked me.

"Oh, God NO!" I said. "NEVER!"

"I'm going to school on my own after Dr. Kavenaugh's Project stops
providing instruction to me.  It's really making a difference, Kevin. Can't
you hear how much better my pronunciation is after just a month of working
with Beth? She's expanding my vocabulary too.  I get the best feeling
inside after a lesson with her.  This is the new world of hearing that is
more important to me than the art."

"And what about Guillermo," Kevin said.

"I'm improving very fast with Guillermo teaching me," I explained.  "Again,
Kevin.  This is my hearing!  My music is more important to me than the art.
If the art can bring in some money, all well and good, but it's my music
that I want to see develop."

"Oh, Hugo.  You are so important to me.  Please don't get so involved with
everything that you don't have any time for me and the boys... The
operation and healing has consumed all of your time.  We know that, but we
don't want to lose you to your new passions. As it is now, we have to come
to visit with you! Hugo, we want you to come home and be with us all the
time.  We love you. Please don't forget us!" Kevin said with real worry and
pleading in his voice.

I didn't understand how it was possible to jeopardize our family if I got
so involved in my new activities. But my conversation with Kevin made that
clear.  I just had to think about everything and decide where the highest
priorities lie... Oh, God, was that going to be hard... I loved hearing and
the beauty of language it revealed to me, and I loved music which reached
deep into my soul to nourish me, but I couldn't forget my sons and my
partner...MY FAMILY, damn it!!  What am I thinking?

I was really panicked.  I didn't know how to divide up my time and efforts.
I'd just have to try out working with the art, and see whether I could earn
some money without killing myself, my family, or my new hearing... Yeah. No
way around it.  I was fucking scared of screwing everything up with my
ignorance of how to manage my life.

Then Dr. Kavanuagh came in one morning after my conversations with Craig
and Kevin.  "Hugo, you are doing splendidly; I am eager to have you attend
a meeting of the Irish Medical Society where you could speak and answer
questions about what this stem-cell transplant experience has been for
you."

"Sure," I thought, "just what I needed: more demands on my time!"

I'd be Guest speaker at seminars and general world traveler. At that point
I just told him the whole, confusing, dangerous mess about the art, the
music, and language classes.

"Hugo, you are bound to feel overwhelmed with the incredible new
possibilities that have opened up for you."

"Yeah.  I feel like I want to do everything at once!" I said and smiled
self-consciously.

"Well, if you begin small in each of the three areas that attract your
interest, then you can expand your activities in each as your time permits.
Just go slowly, and use trial and error.  When something becomes too much,
don't hesitate to stop immediately.  You have to think only of yourself and
keeping your health: all the rest is secondary.  You've worked very hard to
get this far, Hugo.  You deserve to see the rewards of your hard work."

"If I travel to Ireland or places in Europe, will I have to pay my own
way?" I asked.

"No, of course not... Travel and lodging and meals would be provided by our
research project."

"Would I be able to take Kevin and the boys with me?" I said.

"Yes.  And I think we could even arrange to cover their travel expenses
too-- excluding souvenir shopping, of course." he replied smiling.

I didn't really get directions from Dr. Kavanaugh, but just acknowledging
to him my worries made me feel freer and permitted me to try things for
myself.

Kevin and the boys absolutely mean more to me than accomplishment of any
kind.  I do need to earn a living, and the new art possibility can help me
take care of my family better.

"Okay," I thought, "I could try Craig's project, but I'll tell him that we
may need to get a back-up artist to cover if I can't make the deadline."

Then I thought, "What if travel and speaking at medical meetings get in the
way of art production?"

"Craig said we had 8 months to do everything. So all I can do is read that
huge book and see what pops up in my mind... and then,
well,.. well,.. we'll just have to wait and see..."

"Oh, yeah! Dr. Kavanaugh.  I've been meaning to ask you about something
else that I've got to do, that I don't know whether it's possible because
it might damage my new hearing cells..."

"What's that all about, my boy?" Dr. Kavanaugh said.

"Well, you see this black Maltese cross tattooed on the back of my neck.  I
want to have it removed with a laser.  Is that going to be possible? Uh?
You know, will a laser hurt my new cells?" I asked.

"Turn around, son, and let me take a better look."

Dr. Kavanaugh looked at the back of my neck carefully and then said, "Well,
Hugo, I'd only permit that if it were done by a medical doctor who was
absolutely expert in the use of the laser.  In the hands of an amateur, the
laser energy could scatter and be a danger.  Why do you want to remove the
tattoo just now?" he asked me.

"Uh? Well..." I hesitated, because I felt really self-conscious. "You see,
before the operation I was scared that the cell transplant wouldn't work,
but I went to church and told God that I understood that I couldn't get a
guarantee that I'd get to hear...

"However what was MOST IMPORTANT, I realized, was that my life had become
so wonderful when I met Kevin, and then we found Nicky who joined Jilder
and him and me in our family; that even if I didn't get to hear, I
appreciated all of the love our family found, and I really, really
appreciated everything that He had done for me, for us actually... "

"I used to be angry with God for letting my parents go back to Mexico and
leave me and Jilder here in San Diego, where I had to work and take care of
him. That's when I got the tattoo, when I was angry at God. But then I
realized that I wasn't angry with God any more, I was grateful to him for
the love he'd sent to me through Kevin and Nicky and Jilder. So, I promised
him the night before the operation that whether I got to hear or not, I was
removing the tattoo from my neck to say thank you for all the wonderful
things He'd given to me."


"Now I want to make good on my promise.  I understand that you have to
decide whether it would be safe for me to do it, but it's really important
for me to get it done... What do you think, Dr. Kavanaugh?"

"Well, my boy.  There's nothing to stand in your way to say thank you to
God. If you'd like me to arrange for it, I'll have a dermatologist who
specializes in laser tattoo removal come here to your isolation room to
remove the tattoo.  I suspect it would take a series of treatments.  I
really have no specific experience with such matters, but I think it's
essential that we work on this together, you and me... if you don't mind my
intruding..."

"Oh, no.  Sure.  I'd appreciate anything you could do to help me." I said.

"Fine.  Then tomorrow I'll explore the availability of such a laser
specialist, and we can set up a treatment program."

I know that I smiled because I felt so good when I realized that it was
possible to get the laser treatment and that Dr. Kavanaugh was actually
going to help me.

"Oh, thank you, Dr. Kavanaugh"

Kevin and the boys came in that night, and I told them about all of us
getting to go to Ireland and maybe Europe too for me to speak to their
medical society about the stem-cell operation.

Kevin said, "Babe! You're kidding, right?"

"No, Kevin, I'm not... Dr. Kavanaugh asked me about going just today." I
said.

"Oh, Dad! Ireland... and Europe... Wow! And we could go with you, on a big
airplane?" Nicky blurted out.

"Yep! Nicky.  As big an airplane as we could find, and we could visit
interesting places after I attended the doctors' meetings and spoke to them
about my operation."

"Could we go to the meetings too, Hugo," Jilder asked.

"Well, sure, if you want to... It's probably going to be pretty technical,
but you might enjoy it."

Jilder said, "Yeah, Hugo.  Nicky and me really liked watching you get your
operation up in the gallery with all those medical people.  It was like a
real operation..."

"Jilder! It WAS a real operation!" I said...

"Oh! Sure. But you know what I mean... It was just like television when
they have a doctor's movie and the doctor operates on the actors..." Jilder
tried to clarify.

"Well, I can tell you'd be interested in going.  So I'd really like for you
to take advantage of the opportunity," I said.

Kevin said, "Humm? I wonder what it would be like for the boys trying to
clear airport security with those steel bars in their chests... OMG.  I'm
sure THAT'S goin to be a 'trip.'  The TSA inspectors will have a cow..."

"Yeah! Life is so complicated... Well, anyhow, it's something for everybody
to think about.  We might be interrupted in our lives to go off to Europe,"
I considered.

"Yeah! We're going to Europe. We're going to Europe." the boys chanted like
they were some kind of cheering squad...

"And how are you going to work in that art project, Hugo?" Kevin asked...

"I really don't know," I said.

"I'm going to get going on it, and then make changes as I have to as I go
along... What else can I do?  I need the money, and Craig seemed excited to
get me involved.  I think the time is right. But you guys: Jilder, Nicky,
Kevin, YOU are still number one in my life.  I have to work, but I want to
be with you guys as much as possible, because I love all of you."

Kevin said, "Well, Hugo, the boys have work to do too.  They've got an
education to get, and working on their Home Schooling is the way that's
getting done right now.  So we've all got to be conscious that the family
comes first, but we've got to do our work too..."

*****

That night after everyone left, I couldn't relax. There were so many
thoughts whirling around in my head. But there was only one way to deal
with this mess of thoughts in my head: and I yelled "Shut up!"  Somehow I
had to stop with the thinking. I needed to become quiet enough that I would
be able to hear God's messages to me.

I reached over to the table next to my bed where Alice in Wonderland sat
like a mountain that I would have to climb in the next week.  So I supposed
that I could get started tonight.

Before I knew it, I was captivated by Alice and the Mad Hatter.  Whether
this book was for kids or not, I wanted to read it.  The competing thoughts
that cluttered my mind faded in this wonderful place where Alice traveled.
I would be able to find what God wanted me to do next, where I was quiet,
there in wonderland, I felt sure of it...

*****