Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 11:28:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: Flippp <geatravel@yahoo.com>
Subject: True Companions - Part XVII - Decisions

This is a continuation of a fictional account of my mission in France and
Belgium during the early 1970s. Though many of the circumstances and events
are real, this is a fictional account of what I would have liked to have
happened.

Gary

----------------------------
Part XVII - Decisions

A million things ran through my mind the moment I saw President Brown and
his assistants waiting for us in our apartment. I was glad it was half way
clean. I hope the didn't feel the sheets in my bed! Did they know about
what happened in Antwerp and were here to call us to repentance? Were they
lost? I really didn't have a clue and any of the above reasons was just as
likely as the next.

Elder M. extended his hand and greeted both Elders and then stepped over to
the President who gathered Elder M. in his arms and embraced him. President
Brown was, above all, a kind and focused Mission President even if he was
real hand shaker. I shook the hands of the Assistants then waited until
President Brown stepped over to me and embraced me warmly as well. At
least, I thought to myself, it doesn't look like we're in trouble.

We exchanged some pleasantries. They were happy to hear of our baptism
today and wanted to know all about Paul. All of them congratulated us again
for the success we've been having and encouraged us to continue. Then
President Brown looked at me and said, "Elder Roark, would you mind
stepping outside with Elder Anderton and Elder Moulton? I'd like to speak
with Elder Millett alone for a few minutes."

My heart missed a few beats but I went outside the apartment and stood on
the landing with the Assistants. I was worried, frankly, that the President
wanted to talk to Elder Millett about me. I kind of assumed he found out
that I was gay and wanted to see if I had done anything to prove it to my
companion. When you're in the closet, any source of anxiety is always
directed inward.

Elder Anderton looked at his companion and then said, "Elder Roark, the
President wanted to speak to Elder Millett alone because there has been a
terrible tragedy involving his family. I'm not sure of all the details but
as I understand it, Elder Millett's father and all of his brothers were
killed in a rollover accident on a highway in New Mexico. Apparently, a
drunk driver was involved and another car. His mother called the President
a couple of hours ago. It happened this morning, about 2pm our time. She is
now alone without any other family members around. I believe the President
is going to let Elder Millett decide whether he wants to remain on his
mission or return early to be with his mother with the option of returning
sometime in the future or just remain at home. Overall, it's a terrible
tragedy for Elder Millett. I'm glad I don't have to make that decision
under these circumstances."

As Elder Anderton talked, his words bounced around in my head, exploding at
various points, colliding with reality, creating havoc with each
additional, meaningless word. My eyes began to tear up and I could barely
breath. It was impossible to imagine what Elder Millett was feeling. I know
how very close he was to both his father and all his brothers. I crumpled
down on the step unable to bear the weight of the words spoken to me. My
God, why hast thou done this to my companion? Why now? Punish me not him!
Let me take this burden from my dear friend. Let me suffer. Elder Millett
deserves more than this in his life.

Elder Anderton sat down next to me and put his arm around me. "Elder," he
said slowly, "Elder Millett is going to need a steady and loving companion
for the next day or so. He'll need you to be there for him. You'll need to
be more than you are right now. You'll need to dig deep down and find the
strength that you'll both need."

I just stared into space, concentrating on the light of the boulangerie
across the street where we bought our bread every day. Before, I could
respond to Elder Anderton, the door to our apartment opened and the
President invited us to return.

As I crossed the threshold into the room, I could see Elder Millett on the
edge of his bed staring at the floor. His eyes were red and he appeared
vacant, unable to respond after such a blow. President Brown told me
approximately what Elder Anderton had told me. Then he added, "I've given
Elder Millett time to make a decision as to what he wants to do. If he
wants, he'll be given an honorable release to return home to be with his
mother. Or, if he feels it appropriate, he can stay here in Belgium and
continue finish out the last six months of his mission. I've asked him to
call me in Brussels tomorrow sometime and let me know what he's
decided. Elder Roark, you'll need to call up some spiritual reserves in
order to help your companion during the next day. I've given him a
Priesthood blessing. Call me if you need me."

The words President Brown said passed through me. I just looked at my
beloved companion and wished everyone would leave so this nightmare would
go away. I realized that I needed to be the strength Elder Millett would
need to make this decision. I looked at President Brown and said,
"President, I'll do anything I can for my companion. If we need any help,
I'll call you. Please don't worry about us."

"I know the Lord will bless both you Elders in this time of need. I know
He'll comfort you." With those words, President Brown gathered his coat and
the three of them quietly left the apartment to await our call the
following day.

After the door closed behind them, I wasn't sure what I should do. I
managed to gather my wits and go and sit next to Elder Millett on his
bed. I didn't say anything and neither did he. I put my arm around his
sunken shoulders and the two of us just sat there in the vacuum which was
our apartment, emptiness was the overwhelming feeling. It was, indeed, the
quiet before the storm.

Elder Millett didn't move a muscle for nearly an hour. Then, slowly, at
first, then gaining in intensity, he began to moan then shout silent
screams then stand up and with a rage I never knew he had, Elder Millett
began to lash out at the universe and at the God that would allow such
pain. He picked up the chairs and threw them across the room. He picked up
my mattress and flipped it over. He pounded his fist on the wall and nearly
put it through the door of the wardrobe. He was inconsolable and I remained
on his bed as he let the Furies loose from the man he was inside. He would
be still for a minute then turn quickly and continue his ranting. Slowly,
his energy diminished and he wound down like a battery wearing out. He
ended up on the floor, near my mattress. He had removed his outer clothing
during the rage and was slumped there on the floor in only his
garments. His hand covered his face. He began to sob.

I took off my coat and tie and shoes and walked over and sat next to him on
the floor. I slowly put my arm around his shoulders and drew him into my
bosom. His head was on my chest and his knees were up close. I cradled him
in my arms and rocked him as he wept uncontrollably for half an hour. There
was nothing else I could say or do. I loved this man more than anyone else
on the earth yet his pain I could not share. So I rocked him as a child,
caressing his hair and trying to calm him with a French hymn softly hummed
into his ear. "Dors, dors, mon bel ange et je te dirai, comment le Sauveur
vint sur terre habite." The comforting words of a Mendelssohn lullaby kept
returning to my mind and I sang them softly to my companion.

Soon, Elder Millett just went limp in my arms and held onto my shirt which
was wet from his tears. He still could not speak of the unspeakable.

I lifted him up and the two of us returned to his bed. I removed my outer
clothing and turned off the light. We slept together in his bed. Without
words, he allowed me to love him and comfort him. He sought out my face
with his hands and placed his fingers on my lips. I kissed his fingers then
brought him closer to me and kissed the back of his neck and his ears. On
occasion, he would break out in tears again. I gently wiped them away with
my thumb and held onto his upper chest. He turned his face towards mine and
I put my cheek on his cheek and caressed his hair.  Our lips sought out the
other's with a need I had never experienced before. Gently, we kissed, our
lips brushing by the lips of the other, our tongues briefly touching. There
was a need here that wasn't sexual. It was human. The need to be loved and
to love. We were not two men seeking sexual fulfillment but two humans
finding in each other the will to survive. We then kissed with more feeling
and eventually with great strength as our tongues explored the cavity of
the other's mouth and played with the other's tongue. We breathed the
other's breath. We swabbed the other's saliva. Without words, we gathered
strength from the other and became stronger as one.

Elder M. put his head on my chest. He slowly removed the top of my garment
so as to lay his head on my skin. I helped him by removing my garment
completely and helping him remove his. He voluntarily helped remove the
cloth between us so that our skin would be touching each other. We were
together, as close as two people could physically be, naked, needing to
feel the other's warmth, his hair, his sweat, his humanity. We touched the
other looking for strength and hardness, finding bone and muscle. Our
mouths learned the shape and contour of the other's chest and neck and
arms. Our hands found the root of our manhood and the seed of our
being. Without saying a word, our mouths circled the hard root of the other
and slowly descended at the same time, filling our mouths and throat with
manhood. There was now an urgency that exceeded even the sadness and rage
before. An urgency to take from the other that which made him unique and
make it our own. We both hungrily ravaged the other's cock and pulled on
the other's balls and groaned and moaned and breathed but short breaths. As
if scripted by some unknown play, the seed from our sacks rose and exploded
into each other's mouth. The orgasmic energy brought about by this
incredible need we both felt lifted our bodies and made us scream as we
gathered in pulse after pulse of sweet cream from the other. Our bodies
nearly convulsed with the incredible power of youthful orgasm. And slowly,
we came back down and rested, nearly exhausted from the spent seminal
event. Slowly, Elder M. turned his body around and climbed back up the bed
to put his face near mine. We kissed gently and slowly exchanged the cum we
had harvested from the other. It was an exchange and a promise. We
exchanged the essence of being so that we were one person with two
identities.
 With the exchange was the implied promise of everlasting love. What we had
just done was not just sex, though sex it clearly was. It was a joining of
two men who needed the other more than they needed themselves. For without
the other, the one was lost.  Still, we have not spoken since the President
left. We continue to lie there in Millett's bed, wrapped in each other's
arms, naked and free from corruption. Elder M. gathered himself together
and allowed me to once again envelope him.

We slept.

I think it was Elder M. who first stirred the following morning. Slowly the
dawn crept into our room as the realization of all that had happened
yesterday dawned on Elder M. His family was wiped out. His mother was
alone. As he stirred, I woke up and stretched and yawned as well. Finally,
Elder M. spoke to me.

"What do you think I should do?" he asked very sincerely.

"Elder, I don't know what to tell you. Of course, I'd like you to stay with
me. But your mother needs you. I'm not sure how good a missionary you'd be
after knowing what happened and after...well, after last night."

He understood what I was implying. How does one retain missionary fever
after one has joined with another man in the way we joined last night?
Elder M looked deeply into my eyes and said softly, "You are the most
incredible person. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I know that I
love you more than anything or anyone. I feel connected to you in ways I
never thought possible. I want to stay with you. I never thought I could
say this about another man but ... well... I need you like flowers need
rain. I want you like I've never wanted anything in my life. My body wants
your body. My lips want your lips. I'm totally devoted to you." With that,
he leaned back and kissed me.

My heart was pounding. I always wanted to hear those words from another
man. I wanted to belong to a man and have him need me and love me and draw
strength from me. I wanted another man's body to make my body vibrate with
love and sexual tension. I couldn't believe that I would hear them from the
man I had been loving for nearly 5 months now. Here he was in my arms,
kissing me, expressing his love for me. And yet...

"Look, Elder," I started. "I cannot tell you how emotional I feel right
now. I love you and have loved you so much. Ever since I first met you at
the train station in Liege, I've loved you. I've wanted you to be more than
just a buddy. I wanted you to be my man, my lover, my very person." We
kissed again and Elder M. brought his hand to my groin and played with my
ever hardening cock. "But, we have to face a little reality here. Clearly,
we can't live like this and be missionaries. Eventually, the President
would move you and then I'd be miserable beyond belief. We've broken a few
commandments here. The only way we're going to be able to be together is to
both go home or run away to Greece with Paul but it's not going to be here
on a mission."

We both were silent for a few minutes contemplating how to fulfill our
passion for each other while in the current situation.

Elder M broke the silence first. "So, do you think I should return home to
Mom and you finish off your mission?"

Even more, I thought I could return home with Elder M. and the two of us
take care of his mother. But my parents would be mortified if I returned
home early and it would hurt them deeply.

"Short of us running away right now and living on a beach somewhere, that
seems to be the best plan. You return home now. That way you can help your
mom become more independent. Then I'll return home in 14 months and join
you in New Mexico and then we can take it from there. That way, I wouldn't
have to worry about you falling in love with some other Elder if the
President should transfer us which he's bound to do."

"Yeah, well, then how much should I worry about you and the next 2 or 3
companions you'd have between now and the time you came home." His voice
was half serious.

"Elder, I've never experienced anything in my life like the feelings I have
for you. I could never fall for someone like that again. I love you. I'm
devoted to you. Please, don't even think for a second that I would find
someone else.":

We talked for awhile about the possibilities of our plan. It seemed to make
a lot of sense and provided for a future for the two of us together. We got
excited and kind of forgot the reason it was happening, the tragedy of his
father and brother's death. I didn't want to bring it up too often because
I didn't want Elder M. to become morose again.

Finally, Elder M decided. "That's it then. I'll call the President and tell
him I want to go home and take care of my mother. That would be great. I'm
sure she really needs me right now and it would allow me to grieve for
them. Then when you return home to Utah, you come see me and we'll start
our life together. That feels good to me. How about you?"

I looked him in the eye. I could tell he was sincere and very committed to
the plan. But we'd be apart for 14 months, maybe more, and many things
could happen. However, it was the best thing for now. I eagerly agreed with
him.

The two of us started dancing around the room. We were naked and hard and
playful. We sang "I Feel Pretty" and other Broadway songs. We wrestled some
and played games and finally just fell down on the bed into each other's
arms, filled with love and hope, tinged with tragedy and reality. We began
to make love again. I could tell from the richness of his lovemaking that
he was serious about me and our situation. He truly loved me, I felt. I
know I truly loved him.

We spent the entire day naked and alone together. We made love many times
during that last day. But mostly, we became one person with one heart and
one mind. We set our sights on the future.