Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2001 09:14:38 -0500
From: lesli 99 <lesli99@hotmail.com>
Subject: Young Times Parts 11

Young Times - Part XI

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised at being outed.  I mean I had
hardly hidden much I had done in the last year, except from my parents of
course, and I had heard the rumors about me - about Donnie too - to the
effect that we were `faggots' and all.  But when it came right down to it,
no one had actually come out and been mean about it.  It was just a `may
be, maybe not' kind of thing I guess.  But all that changed abruptly one
cold day just before Christmas as the entire student body sat in the gym
for a pre season basketball pep rally.

Donnie and I were sitting together, high in the bleachers near the top row.
The gym was packed with kids, almost every row filled.  Several boys were
sitting beside, in front of, and behind us as the mind numbing program
droned on and on.  I was bored, as I'm sure everyone else was, looking for
something, anything, to catch my interest.  It wasn't happening.  Everyone
was talking and acting up, but it was lost in the roar of music from the
pepband and the mindless cheers of the cheerleaders.

"Wow, that's some set of tits on Cheyrl" I heard from behind me.

"Yeah, and that's not all she's got either" another chimed in "I hear she
gives some of the best head in school."  My ears perked up at that.  The
thought of Cheyrl, a cute sophomore, sucking some guys cock gave me a rush
as I imagined it in my head.  I turned to see who the speaker was.

"Whadda ya lookin at faggot?" the tall blonde sitting behind me asked as I
did.  Since I was sitting one row behind him, my gaze naturally fell at
waist level to him.

"I...uh, I..." I stammered, quickly averting my gaze and turning back to
face front.  I could feel myself redden all over, starting with my face.
It was suddenly very warm in the gym.

"He's lookin at you" a voice answered, again behind me "you got him all
excited talkin about head.  Didn't he faggot?"

I couldn't speak, my mind worked but my lips couldn't form a single word as
I tried to stare at the activity on the gym floor below.  `Relax' I told
myself `this will just blow over if you don't react'.

"I said DIDN'T HE FAGGOT?" he repeated, his voice up several decibels until
everyone around us turned to see what was going on.  My face was blood red
now, I could feel it.  The sharp slap across the back of my head almost
knocked me off the bleacher seat.  Only by gripping the seat on either side
of me could I retain my balance.

"I.......I......." I stammered, trying to come up with a suitable response.
I could see Donnie's concerned look from the corner of my eye.  He was as
nervous as I was.  I could hear the laughter behind us, even thru the
ringing in my ears.

"Yeah, those two...." it was yet another voice behind us, chiming in.  "All
ya gotta do to get head from them is hang around the park, huh?"

"That's what I hear.  I hear they're in that restroom by the basketball
court queerin off anybody that comes along."  It sounded so strange hearing
Donnie and me referred to in that manner.  How did they know?  'Oh, come
off it' I thought to myself 'did you think no one noticed the fact that
you're there just about every night of the week?'  No, I knew that they
knew, or at least strongly suspected.  And I knew that I was in no position
to argue with them.  For one, they would probably beat me up if I said
anything.  And that was really enough so I didn't need a second reason.
No, I wouldn't argue.  I would sit there and take their abuse.  Maybe that
way they would get tired of it and leave us alone.

It was a weak wish, I knew, but the only real option open to me.  I sat
perfectly still.  The next slap was to the back of Donnie's head.  It was
loud, and I knew, painful.

"Owwww" he moaned involuntarily.  I could see him grip the seat to keep his
balance.  "Quit" he screamed, turning in his seat to face his attacker.  It
was a mistake, I could have told him so.  His defiance only served to
incite them further and the next thing I knew he was reeling from the full
handed slap across his face.  It threw him back against me as he struggled
to keep from losing his balance and falling thru the open bleachers.  I
grabbed his shoulders to help steady him as the next slap caught me in the
back of the head again, pitching me forward and knocking my books off the
seat and thru the bleachers where they crashed some ten feet below.

"Fuck you, queer" the voice was directed at Donnie, or me, it was hard to
tell because they slapped us both now.  I wanted to stand up and get out of
there now, but my legs wouldn't work.  All I could manage was to hang on to
Donnie with one hand and my seat with the other, trying to keep from
joining my books on the hardwood floor below us.

"Aw, don't get him excited, he'd probably like to get fucked" the voice
boomed.  Now everyone was glancing nervously around as the boys behind us
continued to slap both of us in the head.  I was numb with fear and
humiliation now.  The pain and surprise were gone, replaced by an
embarrassment that I had never known.

And then, just as quickly as it had turned ugly, we were saved.

"Hey, you boys, cut that out" the voice was Ms Sullivan's and I turned my
head instinctively in the direction of the sound.  I was surprised to find
her standing just below us, peering up thru the open bleachers.  "And come
down here and clean these books up"

I finally found the courage to use this excuse to beat a retreat from the
situation.  Dragging Donnie to his feet, I literally fell over the people
to our left, making our way to the aisle and down the bleachers to the
floor.  I heard taunts behind me, but they didn't register as I forced one
foot in front of the other til we were clear.

"What in heaven's name was that altercation all about?" she quizzed me as I
busied myself picking up my books.

"Uhhhh....welll.....I don't....." I couldn't make the right words come out.

"Well young man, we're going to get to the bottom of this.  Collect your
books and follow me, both of you."  There was nothing we could do but obey,
and we followed Ms Sullivan to the office.  Principal Whit was at the
rally, but Mr Kemp the assistant principal was in his office on the phone
when we arrived.  Telling us to wait in the outer office, Ms Sullivan went
in and waited til Mr Kemp was off the phone, shutting the door behind her.

"Whew, that was some ugly scene" Donnie said as we sat down.  His face was
still flushed from the embarassement, or excitement.

"Yeah, gosh where do you think that outburst came from anyway?"

"I don't know, I don't even know them.  I have no idea what caused them to
go off on us.  Do you think they know about the park?  I mean one of them
said something about it."

It was, of course, rediculous to think that our 'adventures' at the toilet
in the park would stay secret long.  Neither of us really made a secret out
of what we were doing there.  In truth, other than for my parents, I
realized that I hadn't made that much effort lately to hide the fact that I
was 'available' for those interested.  I mean, I hadn't 'outed' myself in
general, but at the same time I had put myself in places and situations
that I wouldn't have been in had I not been looking for those who were
looking for sex.  I had, basically, made myself available for anyone who
wanted sex, never saying 'no' or even 'maybe'.  I had, willingly, performed
oral sex for at least a dozen men and boys in just the past year.  I
realize now that my actions said a lot more than my words, and keeping this
a secret from my parents was the easy part.

I also came quickly to the realization that I was doing this only for those
who wanted it.  I had never had a real bad experience as I looked back on
it.  Even the black boys, as abusive as they seemed in the beginning,
obviously wanted from me what I wanted to give them.  That defined, more
than anything else, what I viewed as the way life should be.  I had never
really faced an agressive situation like that in the gym.  I had never
really been 'bashed' before, and the realization that people would hate me
for what I was left me a bit dazed and confused.

So, I guess you could say, I was totally unprepared for what was happening
now.  The door opening snapped me out of my reflective mood quickly, and I
before I knew it Donnie was gone, ushered inside Mr Kemp's office out of
sight and sound.  The door closed behind him, and I was left with my
thoughts again.

But my mind wasn't ready to work on anything so substantial as what kind of
trouble I might be in.  I mean, how could I be in trouble?  How could
Donnie be in trouble?  We hadn't done anything.  We weren't the agressors.
We were simply victims of these vulgar boys who had taken the opportunity,
for whatever reason, to pick on us.  No, my mind told me, we weren't in
trouble.

So why was this taking so long?  Why had Donnie been in Mr Kemp's office so
long?  Why was he in there at all?

The door opened and Donnie hurried out of Mr Kemp's office.  His face was
red and I thought I could detect tears in his eyes.  I was whisked in
before I had a chance to try and speak with him.  Mr Kemp was standing
behind his desk, his jacket off, looking very stern as Ms Sullivan ushered
me to a seat in front of his desk.  I sat, unsure what would happen next.

"I'm going to get straight to the point young man" he began as I sat meekly
in the chair, trying to avert his stoney gaze.  "Disruptions to classroom
or other activities here will not be condoned.  Behavior causing such
disruptions as those this morning will be dealt with very quickly and
harshly.  Do you understand?"

"Yes sir" I responded, not sure at all what he was talking about, but
starting to realize that he was somehow blaming, or warning, me for what
had happened.

"What do you understand?" he said, even more sternly - if possible - than
before.

"I.......I, well, I'm not, I guess......sure".

"Are you gay?"  I couldn't believe the question.  It hit me as cold as ice.

"Gay.................I, uh.......gay?"  It was all I could do to string the
words together.

"Gay" he repeated.  "Are you a........a........a homosexual?"  It wasn't
really a question, at least the way he phrased it.  He wasn't asking if I
was, he only wanted me to acknowledge what he already knew, or assumed.

As I look back on it now, I realize that I had options here.  I could have
lied.  I could have resisted the question and refused to answer.  I could
have taken offense and made a big deal out of it, hoping that the whole
thing would be dropped.  But as I sat there under the pressure of his gaze,
I couldn't think of a single option.  I couldn't think of a thing to save
me from having to admit the truth, having to confess to my sexual
orientation.  And as I look back on it now, it angers me to think that I
had to make that confession at such an early age.  Why couldn't I just stay
in the closet like so many others?  Why didn't I have the same rights as
them?

But, of course, this is now and that was then.  I was too naive to do
anything other than what I did.

"Yes......." it was almost a whisper.  But in my head it was if I had
shouted it out.  No matter that I had surrendered to my feelings over the
past few years, no matter that I had sex regularly.  Until I actually
admitted it to Mr Kemp, it was somehow secret in my mind.  I had never
admitted it to anyone except Donnie and Steven.  But I had surely done it,
had the feelings, performed the sexual acts that defined the label Mr Kemp
was now putting on me.

"I thought so" was his soft reply.  "Young man, this school is a place of
learning.  With rules.  Rules and guidelines that determine the day to day
running of this school.  There is no place in these rules for the
disruptions caused by deviant behavior such as your's.  Do you understand
me?"

"Yessir........" again a whisper as my eyes sought out the floor.  Anything
to focus on. Anything other than Mr Kemp's stare.

"I............we, that is, cannot expell you for what you are.  Even though
your kind disgust me personally.  But let me make this perfectly
clear.........any deviant behavior will result in severe disciplinary
action, including expulsion.  Do you understand this?"

"Yessir" again my eyes glued to the floor.  I wanted to crawl into my seat.

"OK, now back to class with you.  I'll have a conversation with your
parents later in the day.  But know this, your behavior will be watched.
Monitored for any breach of rules."

My parents?  My God!  He was going to tell my parents?  My mind went
completely blank.  I don't know how I got to class after that.  I don't
remember anything except sheer panic at the thought that I was going to be
outed to my parents.  I was, in fact, in a deep daze when I met Donnie for
lunch.

"Jeez" he started "he's going to talk to my parents about me.  I can't
believe I let him talk to me that way."  His defiance gone now, Donnie
looked as scared and depressed as I did.

"Yeah" I replied, halfheartedly "he's going to tell mine too.  I'm dead."
Maybe overstated, but at that point in time I was firmly convinced that my
parents would come unglued at the idea of me being a queer.  I still
couldn't think of it as being gay - the word just didn't fit how I felt.
Call me queer, faggot, fairy, cocksucker, whatever.  They were descriptions
of how I thought of myself.  Gay just didn't do it for me.

We spent the entire lunch period discussing how much trouble we knew we
were in.  We were sure that both out parents would react in the same way.
The remainder of the day seemed a fog to me and I was barely aware as I
made my way thru it.

It was as bad as I could imagine, my parents had both spoken to Mr Kemp and
the evening was spent in question, answer, and general emotional upheaval.
I can't remember the details, having put them in the extreme reaches of my
mind.  I just remember that the rift between my parents and me began that
night.  And I mark that as the point where my life really changed.

I was grounded, of course, and with few exceptions found my available world
reduced to home and school.  My phone privileges were reduced to incoming
calls only and even that limited to no more than 5 minutes per call unless
directly related to my schoolwork.  This lasted a month before I was
trusted enough to gain back limited freedom.  When I say limited I mean
school functions and the occassional movie.

Life became unbearable but of course I had no recourse in the matter.
Limited freedom was won only by a combination of time and lies.  Time,
again, was one month living within their rules.  Lies were about my
sexuality.  I finally convinced my parents that I was no more or less than
a typical teenager, caught up in the inevitible experimenting of puberty.
Nothing to worry about really.  I don't think they completely believed me,
but after one month I think they felt they really should ease up on me
before I turned into a complete hermit.  At any rate, the limited freedom
came next and after another month, I was given as much freedom as I had
ever known.  Oh, I still lied about where I was going, with whom, and for
what.  I had to.  But they didn't seem so concerned as before.  I think
they just hoped for the best.

Donnie wasn't as lucky as I was.  He was sent off to military school in the
hopes that a macho, structured enviroment would 'straighten' him out.  As
it turned out, this was as far from the truth as things could be.  Given
the macho, all male surroundings, Donnie became popular as the campus
'queer', dispensing oral favors to his more than willing fellow classmates.
He wasn't the only cocksucker on campus, but he was one of so few that he
was kept busy.

Without Donnie as a companion, my school life took an increasingly negative
tone, band being the only positive exception.  Since being outed, the
confrontations were almost daily.  I was harrassed, called names, and
generally shunned by the male students.  Females seemed either indifferent
or actually friendly to me, but the boys took great pride in putting me
down, either verbally or physically.  I grew impervious to the verbal
abuse, but never the physical, which took the form of pushing, shoving,
slapping and the occassion beating.  In all honesty even the beatings were
relatively rare and not damaging.  I suppose it was just good fun to 'bash
the queer' and made even the meekest boy feel masculine in doing.

My response was always the same.  I never resisted or fought back, verbally
or physically.  I accepted the abuse as the reality of 'outed' life and
came to expect it from the macho boys.

Not every boy abused me, of course, there were those who simply ignored me
as if I didn't exist.  And there were those who seemed........well I won't
say accepting........more humane towards me.  I often wondered if they were
some of my 'friends' from the bus station or the park toilet.

But, in general, after Donnie was shipped out to military school my sexual
encounters with fellow students came to a complete halt.  My whole sex life
revolved, again, around sex with men.

Within a month of my 'ungrounding' I was back in the park again.  It was
simply too easy and convienent not to go there.  And I found plenty of
takers for what I offered.  As often as I could be their I found them, or
maybe more to the point, they found me.  I was always waiting, alone, in
the farthest stall from the urinals, sitting on the commode with my pants
pulled up and fastened.  I nvever exposed myself, I never made the first
move towards them.  I sat.  And I waited.  And they came, everynight I was
there.  Like they knew I would be there, and they knew if I was there I
would never deny them what they wanted.

Most of these experiences were like those at the glory holes in the bus
station.  Quick, no talking, no looking up at their faces as my mouth
worked its magic on their cocks.  Just like the bus station.  Except for
one thing, one important difference.  There was no glory hole involved.
Although I didn't look up at them as I was sucking, I know they looked at
me.  They knew who I was.  And that simple fact changed the equation in a
way that would make it impossible for me to maintain any charade of
straightness in this town.  I was now not only the school queer, through my
willingness to take on all comers in the park, I was now the town queer.
Of course I didn't lay claim to that title all by myself, I'm sure there
were others, but from the way the traffic picked up in my little stall over
the next months, I was surely on my way to becoming one of the most
notorious.

My black basketball playing friends around as well, and I gave them what
they wanted, doing my best to make up for Donnie's absence.  We hung out
less in the park as in their car, one driving while I serviced the other in
the back seat, then switching until they could stand it no longer, at which
point they found a dark spot to park and I sucked one while tho other
fucked me.  I