Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2000 00:39:59 -0500
From: Silent Kid <silentkid@angelfire.com>
Subject: affirmation 7

Affirmation, part 7

Hi everyone, sorry this one took so long, but I warned you, didn't I?  It's
rather short this time.  Thanks to the few who wrote last time.  Like
another of the writers said, it does encourage us to write more frequently
if we know someone is enjoying our piece.  That said, if you like this
story, please write and tell me. :) Thanks, and happy reading!  Amber
(silentkid@angelfire.com) Oh yeah, shameless plug for my other one "You
Needed Me" which is ridiculously different from this one.

Disclaimer: Don't read if you are a child.  Gay content. Does not reflect
the lives of the people depicted.  Yawn. Fictional story.  Don't read if
it's illegal for you to do so.

-----

When Darren awoke, he was surprised to find Robbie sitting up, staring down
at him.  His expression was not affectionate.  Rather, darkness lurked in
its facade and Darren wasn't certain if Robbie was looking at him or
through him.

"Robbie!" he said sharply.  Robbie blinked and his gaze softened.  "Are you
okay?" Darren asked.

"Sorry," he said absently.  "I have moments."

"What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking," he stated slowly, "that I should be alone today."

Despite himself, Darren's face fell.  He turned away, but Robbie saw
anyway.  Darren smiled slightly at him.  Robbie didn't smile back.  His
macabre mood was returning.

"I guess I'll go, then," Darren said, getting up.  Robbie sat immobile,
staring at himself in the wall mirror.  As Darren reached the door, Robbie
turned and said,

"I'm sorry, Darren.  I just can't shake this black mood.  It happens.  It's
not that I don't want you to stay, but it's best if you go.  You
understand, don't you?"

Darren nodded.  "I've decided to stay.  In New York, I mean.  I'm not going
to Australia today."

Robbie cocked an eyebrow at this, but merely nodded at his reflection.

"I'll keep my promise to you, Robert," Darren said suddenly, urgently.  "I
won't let anything happen to you."

Robbie didn't move for the longest time and Darren doubted that he'd heard
him, but finally Robbie turned to him, his face bearing the most
sarcastically depressed expression possible and Darren wanted to run to
him, but Robbie stopped him with his words.

"It's not up to you, Darren.  But thank you."

"If you need me..." he started, but stopped, letting Robbie fill the blank
in for himself.  He closed the door quietly behind him, taking Robbie's
extra key with him, just in case.  He waited with his ear pressed to the
door for a moment before trudging down the hall.  As he passed the
stairwell, he doubled over, holding his stomach as an intense pain centered
there and overwhelmed him.  He knew the symptoms well.  They were
psychological in essence; a worry turned physical.  He stumbled through the
door, sat on the first cold step, and hunched over making his belly as
small as possible.  Darren pressed his head to the wall, feeling its
iciness waft through him.  He closed his eyes and thought of nothing but
relief.  He heard a rustling and opened them.

He wasn't alone.  One flight below, Ronan sat huddled, just as he was,
pressed to the wall.  Darren froze, scared that Ronan would see him, though
he wasn't sure why since as a whole, he didn't intimidate him.  But the
idea of Ronan seeing him now, sitting vulnerable in his t-shirt and shorts,
was singularly unappealing.  Not to mention that Ronan appeared to be in
the same situation. He might not take kindly to company and after his
earlier outbursts, Darren didn't want to see another, potentially worse
one.  But Ronan didn't look up.  He didn't look anywhere, not even when the
door opened on his flight and Stephen sat down next to him.

"You're wrong, you know," Stephen said after a moment of tense silence.

"So you didn't come to apologize," Ronan said ruefully.

"I don't have anything to apologise about."

"Some people might disagree."

"Some people," Stephen mimicked, "might do well to apologise themselves."

"What you did, Stephen, was dangerous, it was inconsiderate," Ronan paused,
the pain the words caused creased in his brow, "it was spiteful."

"I was just trying to help," Stephen said quietly.

"I know," Ronan replied, his tone softening, "we all love Robbie, but you
have to face limits.  You jeopardize things like that."

"I wasn't thinking about that, Ro."

"I know."

"But?"

"But you should have.  I would have."

"We all make mistakes," Stephen said, a little too directly.  Ronan stared
at him coldly.

"That was a year ago."

"It seems like yesterday to me," Stephen said.

"I've said I was sorry.  I've told all of you."

"Maybe you haven't said it enough."  Now Stephen was the cold one.

"I'm sorry," Ronan said through clenched teeth.

Stephen shook his head.  "This isn't going to work, Ronan.  I can't handle
it anymore."

"You know the pressures of being in a group, Stephen.  I shouldn't have to
tell you.  It's hard on all of us.  Suck it up.  Be a man."

Stephen pursed his lips.  "Once again, you've missed my point entirely.
I'm telling you that you're difficult."

"You've known that since the beginning," Ronan snapped.

"Well, maybe it's good that your solo career is taking off.  Now you only
have to answer to yourself."

"It's all I answer to now."

"No," Stephen said, "it's not."

Ronan looked at Stephen for the first time.  His forehead glistened and a
strand of blond hair divided his left eye.  "We'll all try harder," he
said.  Then, with sorrowful force, "I'll try harder."

"I wish I believed you," Stephen said.  He started for the door, but Ronan
whirled around and grabbed his leg.  He pointed to his cheek.

"What if I told them you did this?" he demanded.

The usually tactile Stephen shook himself free.  It was then that Darren
realized Stephen hadn't touched Ronan the entire time he'd been sitting
next to him.

"Everyone knows how that happened, Ro," he said grimly.  "Besides, who
would believe I could do such a thing?  I'm not man enough."  Behind his
coy smile, the tone was ironic and condemning.

Stephen didn't stop the door slamming when he left.  He may even have
helped it a little.  Ronan remained stretched across the steps, his hand
reaching for the absent leg.  Finally, he dropped it, and laid flat except
for his heaving shoulders.  If he was crying, he did it without a sound.

The door opened and Ronan inhaled sharply.  Darren could just see a hand on
the small window of the door, drumming patiently.  "I'm so sorry," Ronan
gasped pitifully.  "I'm sorry for everything."

The hand extended and beckoned him forward.  Ronan slid back into a seated
position.  "I can't," he whispered.  The person at the door evidently
spoke, but Darren couldn't make any of it out.  Ronan's lip quivered.  As
the door closed, Darren caught a glimpse of brown hair.  He instantly
thought of Robbie and gasped.  Ronan stood up with a bolt.  Darren's body
turned to stone as Ronan looked straight at him.  He couldn't help but look
back at him.  Tears rolled down Ronan's cheeks even though he stopped
crying a minute ago.  Now that he was standing full on, Darren could see
what he'd meant earlier.  A line of blood, made darker by Ronan's pale
skin, ran from his temple, down his ear, stopping at his jawline.  A strand
of his hair was matted by it.  Ronan didn't move while Darren examined him
from above.  He didn't speak.  He didn't have to.  Darren shuddered in
spite of himself, absorbing the hatred in Ronan's gaze.  Here was a man who
didn't give up secrets and resented when they were taken from him.  Neither
man uttered a sound.  Darren tried to move, but found he couldn't.
Ultimately, he moved the only thing he could.  He closed his eyes.  When he
opened them again, Ronan was gone.  Darren fell against the wall as his
heart beat double time to make up for the minute it had lost.


tbc

silentkid@angelfire.com