Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2003 12:10:17 -0800 (PST)
From: Jason Calme <jasoncalme@yahoo.com>
Subject: Boy Bands: All the Ways I Love You - Chapter 20

All the Ways I Love You

This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic
descriptions of sex.

You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your
age or residence.

This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events
with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is
purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply
anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual
person.

Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its
author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any
website without the permission of the author.

Questions and commentary can be sent to
"JasonCalme@yahoo.com".



Chapter 20


    C'mon, C'mon, C'mon
    Break my heart again...
    For old time's sake


What did it matter knowing why he'd dumped me? Even if he was
here right now, and I asked him why, he wouldn't tell me the truth.
How many people told the truth when they dumped someone? They
always sugar coated it or presented it in a way that made them feel
better.

I went and lay down on my bed and cried for a while. When I
woke up it was late. Probably too late to call. I picked up the phone
and hit the speed dial.

"Hello?...Hello?"

"Mom."

"Ethan?"

"He dumped me," I said quietly into the phone.

There was a pause. Then quietly, "Oh honey, I'm sorry."

"Okay," I said, gulping and trying not to cry harder.

"Are you...are you going to be okay?"

"No," I sobbed.

"Do you want to come home?" she asked.

"No...I don't know...I."

"Honey...I'm sorry...we all love you...it's going to be okay...you
just have to get through the pain at first."

"I know...it just hurts so much."

"I'm sorry sweetie. We're here if you want to come up for a
couple of days."

"I don't know why!" I cried.

"Why?"

"He just left and then he didn't call and then I sent him an email
asking why he wasn't returning my calls or anything. And he just
sent me back a message saying I should do whatever makes me
happy."

There was a pause, then my Mother spoke quietly, "Maybe he's
just busy and misunderstood your message?"

"I asked him what to do about his clothes and he said to throw
them away."

"Oh..."

There was silence.

"Is there something I can do?" she asked.

"No...I'll be okay," I said sniffing.

"Maybe you should go out and do something...have some fun?"

"I can't!"

"Okay sweetheart. You're going to be okay...everything will be
okay."

"No it won't! He's gone!" I yelled almost irrationally. I was angry
and I was taking it out on my Mother.

"Sweetheart...you'll get past this...just give it some time."

"I know...I'm sorry."

I sat there cursing my miserable existence.

"Why don't you come up?" Mom asked.

It was tempting. Just get away form it all. But then, what would I
do there? And I'd have to come back at some point and it would just
be harder. If I went home I might hide out there for weeks.

"No...I'll be okay."

"Okay," she said and we sat there in silence for a moment or two
as I wiped my eyes and tried to stop crying.

"I'm a big loser," I said, half laughing, half crying.

"No you're not...maybe this is all for the better..."

"I thought he was the one!"

"I know honey...you're going to be okay. Losing someone you
love is just about the hardest thing anyone has to go through."

"I'll be okay," I said, trying to sound convincing.

"I know."

There was another pause.

"So what's happening up there?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Oh nothing much. We're busy planning your brother's birthday.
You haven't forgotten it?" It was in a few weeks. I hadn't forgotten
it, though I wasn't thinking much about it the last couple of days.

"No...I just haven't figured out what to get the little runt," I said
jokingly.

"Well I'm sure he has lots of ideas, or if you want to surprise him
I could probably come up with some suggestions."

"Okay, I'll think about it."

There was a pause, and then Mom said. "You know it would mean
a lot to him if you just called to talk to him."

"What?" was she talking about Justin?

"Just call up and talk to him, a phone call just for him. It would
mean a lot. He was so happy after you were here and he's missed
you terribly since then and I think he kind of thought you'd drop him
an email or something."

Simon. We were talking about Simon. Shit! All I had in my head
was Justin. How was I going to get him out?

"I'm sorry, I'll try to remember. I don't mean to ignore him, I've
just, the last week has been a roller coaster."

"I know dear. You've done nothing wrong. I'm just giving you a
little hint. That's what busy-body mothers do you know."

"Okay."

"Now, are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay," I said, trying to convince myself.

"Well you get some rest, and remember to eat something. And
call us if you need anything. And you can come home any time. You
don't even need to call to ask. Just come on up. If we're not here,
you know where the key is."

"Yes Mom."

"I love you Ethan."

"I love you."


I went back to sleep. The next day I was kind of in a daze. I
watched some television. Took a nap. Watched some more
television. Tried to do some work, but I couldn't concentrate.

For dinner I microwaved a frozen dinner that had been in the
back of my fridge for months. I couldn't remember when I bought it.
I wasn't sure if it could go off.

I felt like talking to someone. I didn't know who. I picked up the
phone and hit the speed dial. The phone rang three times and a
voice came on and said rather suspiciously. "Hello?"

"Is that the runt?"

"Ethan?" the voice replied, high and excited.

"What are you up to runt?"

"Hey, I'm not a runt!" Simon pretended to sound angry, though I
could tell he was half laughing.

"Yeah you are, always have been, always will be."

"I'm gonna wipe the floor with you next time you're here."

"Oh you are, are you?" I said, trying to sound menacing, but not
doing a good job of it.

"Yeah."

"So how are things at school?" I asked.

"Okay. Same old drag." He paused, "how are you? Are you
okay?"

"I'm...did Mom tell you?" Simon rarely enquired how I was. He'd
just ask me how things were.

"Ye...no...she didn't say anything," he said quickly.

"You are such a bad liar!"

"I'm sorry man. He's a jerk...I knew it when I met him...I'm gonna
tell all my friends."

"Don't Simon...it's no one's business okay? Don't tell anyone, like
you promised."

Simon grunted. "Okay...I don't know why you want to protect
that shit."

"Things are complicated Simon. I made a promise and even if he's
going to be a jerk I'm going to keep it. I expect you to do the same.
Okay?"

"Oh...Alright."

"Thank you."

"So you want to talk to Mom?" he asked.

"No...I called to talk to you. Though you can tell her I'm doing
better, alright?"

"Sure."

"So what do you want for your birthday?" I said, trying to change
the subject and sound brighter too.

"Oh...nothing much..."

"I'll believe that when it happens! So what do you want from your
favorite brother?"

"Well..." he paused, then spoke nervously "if it's okay, could you
just give me money?"

"You want money? Why?"

"I'm saving up for something..."

"Oh...this thing expensive then?"

"Yeah."

"Mom and Dad not going to get it for your birthday then?"

"I wish! Mom says I don't need it and Dad says it's way too much
and I have to learn to save for things, yada yada, and Annie says
she won't give me money 'cause there's nothing personal about
money."

"So what is this thing?"

"It's an electric guitar," he said, the love or awe in his voice
evident.

"You have one!" I laughed.

"Yeah...but this one's sweet!" and he spent the next ten minutes
describing the awesome guitar he'd fallen in love with, and how if
he just had that guitar he would be such a better player. I didn't try
to dispel this notion, and promised that I would give serious
consideration to his request for money, though I told him if I gave
him cash it would just be enough to buy a set of strings for it.

We chatted a bit longer about things and then I finally said good-
bye.


I got an email a couple of hours later from Mom saying that all
Simon talked about at dinner was the phone call from me. And that
she was glad to hear that I was doing okay. And she'd talk to me
tomorrow.

I was just about to turn off the computer when the New Mail
message appeared and I closed the current message and saw I
had received an email from Lance. I wondered what on earth he
could want.


    From: Lance
    Subject: Hi

    Ethan,

    I'm sorry I wasn't very helpful last week. I really didn't know
    what to do and so I thought it was best not to get involved. I'd
    really like to help though. Call me.

    Lance


I reread the message a couple of times but didn't know what to
do. Well, he wanted me to call him. So why not?

I picked up the phone and dialed. It rang twice and Lance picked
up and said "Hello?"

"Lance, Hi! This is Ethan," I said putting on my cheeriest and most
casual sounding voice.

"Hi Ethan, thanks for calling."

"No problem," I said.

There was a pause, and I thought he'd say something, but he
didn't.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I said breaking the silence.

"Uh...well Ethan, I'm kind of sticking my nose in Justin's business
here and I'm not sure I should..."

"Okay." Then don't, I thought to myself. Don't call me to tell me
you can't fucking help. That's what I thought, but I bit back the urge
to say it.

"...But he's being pig headed and I'm getting sick of it."

"I'm not sure I follow you."

"Ethan, I know you two were...uh...involved."

"Okay," there was another long pause. "So then I assume this
has something to do with us breaking up?" I said, "Do you know
why he broke up with me?"

"Yeah...well look I can't betray him be telling you stuff he made
me promise not to tell you."

"Oh."

"But listen, he's going to be in New York this weekend with Joey,
and the two of us, Joey and I, we want to bring you two together
because we think you can work things out."

"Work things out?"

"I'm sure of it."

"Lance I can't...I don't even know what's going on! I have no idea
why he dumped me...he just stopped returning my calls."

"I know..."

"I've been going crazy trying to figure out if I did something
wrong, or did he find someone else or...I don't know. Can't you tell
me something?"

"I can't," Lance apologized. "I shouldn't even be doing this, but I
want to try and help. So how about it?"

"How about what?"

"We thought maybe you could show up at the restaurant where
they are having lunch..."

"No Lance, I don't want to see him. He's a...I don't know what
happened...if I did something, or if I didn't or he met someone or
what...but he's the jerk here and I'm not going out of my way to
find him." Finally I got that off my chest! It felt good to say that,
even if it wasn't to Justin.

"I'm sorry," soothed Lance. "Look, Justin is...you know he comes
across as being very confident, and the way he maintains that is
by...well if something doesn't work out right or go his way he just
blocks it off and acts like it never happened."

"The Bill Clinton of the music industry huh?"

"Uh...I'm not sure..."

"Nothing...go on..."

"Well on top of that he can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch once
he's made up his mind."

"Lance, is there a point here? Are you trying to tell me
something?"

"No...I'm just trying to explain Justin's behavior."

"Well thanks. That's very helpful. But it's not really telling me why
he's treating me like Monica Lewinsky. I have no soiled clothing."

There was a long pause.

"Are you always like this?" Lance asked. There was humor in the
question but I still took offense.

"Fuck it Lance. I've been through enough here."

"Okay, okay. Sorry. This isn't going the way I planned. I'm sorry.
Forget everything I've said. Let's start again. I wondered if you'd
come and have lunch with Justin and see if you two can patch
things up."

"Why Lance? Why are you doing this for me?"

"Uh..." Lance seemed suddenly unsure. "Well I don't want you to
get the wrong idea. You seem like a nice guy and all, but I'm not
doing this for you. I'm doing it for Justin. He's been heartsick the
last week. Really miserable. And I kind of get the feeling you have
been too."

"Well that was his decision."

"Give him another chance," prompted Lance.

"Can't you tell me anything?"

"No. Just come to lunch."

"Just show up?" I asked. I was weakening. "He's not going to
think that's odd?"

"Well it doesn't matter at that point. It's just getting to that point.
We figure neutral territory is better than, say the hotel, and the rest
of the time they are at meetings and interviews so you can't really
turn up there. That kind of left lunch."

"I don't know."

"Think about it and let me know."

"Okay."



I was a block from the restaurant and it was about the time they
were supposed to arrive. I didn't know if I had the nerve to go.
What would happen when I saw him? How would I feel? What
would he do?

I was standing there almost talking to myself. Should I turn
around and go home or got through with it? It was getting too
crazy. I twice thought about turning around and going home. The
third time I was just about to go when I saw a large SUV pull up in
front of the restaurant and the doors opened and I recognized Joey
jumping out, and if I wasn't mistaken he was looking around as
though trying to find someone.

'Well here goes nothing' I said to myself, and started walking
down the block towards them.

As I walked down the street, I watched as three other men
jumped out, and then I saw Justin get out, wearing sunglasses and
a cap. He stood by the car and Joey was saying something to him.
Joey's eyes scanned around and fell upon me and a small smile
came to his lips. He continued to stare at me and Justin finally
noticed that Joey was looking at something and he looked in my
direction. I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew when he saw me. His
body seemed to go rigid.

I kept walking down the street towards them. Joey moved away
from Justin, and towards me.

"Hey Ethan!" he called, "How are you doing?"

I took his hand and said "Hi Joey!"

Joey turned to Justin, who was still standing on the street,
staring.

"Hey Justin, it's Ethan man!"

Justin just nodded.

"Hi Justin" I said quietly, my stomach turning somersaults.

He didn't say anything. I looked back at Joey. Joey looked at
Justin, and then he looked back to me.

"Hey, we were just about to have lunch," said Joey. "You doing
anything? Want to join us?"

"Uh," I looked at Justin. He hadn't moved, but he had a scowl on
his face that definitely said the last thing he wanted was for me to
join them for lunch.

"Thanks Joey," I said, looking away from Justin. "Maybe some
other time."

"Oh come on!" Joey said looking at me. He glanced back at Justin
and then back to me, his smile getting a little tight as he realized
this wasn't going to be as smooth as he had planned.

I looked at Justin and saw the cold expression, and I really didn't
need to know any more. Lance and Joey's idea, however well
intentioned, had been completely wrong. Justin had no desire to
see me. There wasn't going to be any reconciliation. It didn't look as
though we'd ever speak again.

"It was good to see you Joey," I said, "take care of yourself
Justin," and I turned and walked off as quickly as I could without
breaking into a run.

I'd gone about half a block when I heard someone calling my
name.

"Ethan! Ethan! Wait up!"

I stopped and turned, and Joey was running up to me, one of the
security guys following behind him. Justin was standing back by the
front of the restaurant. Watching us.

"Hey!" Joey said pulling up to me.

"I'm not coming Joey, this was a bad idea," I said. "It's best we
all move on."

"No wait, look Justin wants to talk to you."

I fixed him with an 'oh yeah?' expression and Joey shrugged.

"He does...look, can you come over to the hotel this evening? It
would be better to talk there."

"Uh...I think it'd be better if..."

"Great. I'm not taking no for an answer! So here," and he took
out a piece of paper and scribbled down a room number. "Here's
the room number, and password. This will get you up there. Be
there at 10, okay? I'm serious! You're gonna come? Right? I'll come
looking for you if you don't!"

"Well..." I looked back at Justin, who was staring in our direction.
He wasn't smiling, but he didn't seem to be scowling either. Though
it was hard to tell at this distance. Well I guess he knew what was
going on, this wasn't just a Joey and Lance plot any more. Justin
must be okay with it.

"Okay," I said finally.



I spent the rest of the afternoon regretting that I'd ever agreed
to do this. I was a bundle of nerves. The morning had been bad
enough, all that time waiting for lunchtime and getting up my nerve
to go. Here I was doing it all over again. Shit! I should never have
gone to lunch. Should never have agreed to go to the hotel.

But I knew I was going to go.

If nothing else, I wanted to know why.



I got there just after 10 and had no trouble getting up to their
floor. A security guy was stationed outside the elevator and he
even found me on a list of people allowed up. But Justin and Joey
weren't back yet, so I was asked to take a seat and wait in the
hallway.

I picked out a magazine and started reading. At 10:30 the guard
got a call. "Hey," he called to me, "just got a message for you.
They've been held up, but should be here in quarter of an hour."

"Oh, thanks" I said.

At 11:15 I was getting impatient. I kept looking at my watch. I
was annoyed and starting to get angry. Why was I sitting here?
What was I waiting for anyway?

I had the distinct impression it was so that Justin could officially
dump me. I knew from bitter experience that some people had to
rub your face in it when they dumped you. They had to pull you
apart and destroy the relationship so that they could be sure it was
dead and gone. That it had never really existed.

Why is breaking up so hard to do?

Didn't someone write that in a song once?

By 11:30 I was convinced this was all part of Justin's plan to
humiliate me. Tell me to come up at 10 and then not turn up for
hours. See just how desperate I was. Would I sit there for one
hour? Two? Three? Oh God, what a loser I am. How could I let him
manipulate me like this?

I got up and put down the magazine. The guard looked up at me,
mildly curious.

"I'm going to go," I said, because that's what I was going to do,
and I didn't know what else to say.

"Do you want to leave them a note or something?" he asked me.

"Ahh...yeah...sure."

He handed me a pad and a pen and I stood there trying to figure
out what to write. Then I wrote:

    Justin,
    Sorry but I couldn't wait any longer. It's probably for the best.
    I just wanted to wish you every happiness for the future.
    Ethan.

I reread it and hated it, but I wasn't going to spend half an hour
revising it with the guard watching me. On impulse, an attempt to
maintain some dignity I added. 'P.S. don't bother calling me,' then I
folded it up, wrote Justin on the side and handed it to him.

"You can slide it under the door if you want," he said, so I went
and did just that, then I went past him, nodding to him as I went.

"Good night" he called, and I said the same back to him.

In the elevator I nearly came apart, but I held it together. For a
moment I was panicking that they'd be there when the elevator
door opened, or I'd run into them in the lobby. But I didn't.



I decided to walk.

Really, I was okay with this. I'd already cried all the tears when
he'd first dumped me. There were no more tears to cry over him.

So I walked.

I pulled out my iPod and slipped on the earphones, skipping to
'Black' by Pearl Jam.

I often play music that reflects my mood. Maybe that's not a good
thing. Maybe when you're feeling dark you should play happy music.

But I can never do that.

And I like this song. It's written for a girl, but it so reflects how I
feel. The song ends and I rewind it to 3:30, and listen to the last
half of the song again.

      I know some day you'll have a beautiful life
      I know you'll be the sun
      In somebody else's sky
      But why, why, why can't it be mine?

And then the song just wails as Eddie Vedder screams away in
pain. And I'm wailing too. Just kind of crying to myself.

      "Uh huh"
      "Ahh yeah"

I was walking quickly. Not quite running. I just wanted to get
home.

      "ahhh ehh  uh huh!" Eddie Vedder screams, and I know that
      feeling.

Past the buildings
Past the people walking home from the theaters

      "Ahh"

Lost in the music. A group of people milling around me. Just trying
to get past them.

      "Uh huh"

Keep walking. Get home.

      "Yeeeeah!" Eddie screams in my ears.

I stop at a light. Listening to the music. The light changes. I start
to walk.

    "Yeeeeah!" screams Eddie.




I didn't see the car. I didn't even hear the car horn, I had the
music on so loud.

I just stepped onto the street.

-------------------------------
To be continued...

-------------------------------
C'mon C'mon by Sheryl Crow
Black by Vedder & Gossard
All lyrics are the property and copyright of their owners

-------------------------------

My other stories:
    High School: Do What You Can
    Boy Bands: Birthday Blues