Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 01:36:40 -0500
From: J <jaquarius214@hotmail.com>
Subject: "Back to Your Heart"    Installment 1

Hey everyone, this is my first attempt at a story for Nifty, after years of
reading stories.  All my friends say I should write, if only they knew what
I was writing! HA! Well, anyways... here is my story.


This is a work of fiction, always remember that.

It does not imply any real-life characters are gay, we can only wish for
that.  Therefore, I don't know if any member of the Backstreet boys is gay,
I only hope they are.

I have a letter to everyone who will be reading this story, it follows:

Dear Reader (or hopefully, Nifty Writer),

	This is a story (one that I have WRITTEN, he he he), about one of
the most purest human emotions out there... love. It is a story of love
between two men (or more, I haven't decided yet), and is therefore one of
true emotion.
	Love between two men is natural, don't let anyone tell you
otherwise. There is no wrong done by loving another man, and I wish
everyone could understand that. Gay youth is number one cause of teenage
suicide (at least, recorded cause). The major cause of this is that they
have no one to reach out to, no one to help them with their struggle. I
know when I first realized I was gay, I felt I was the only teen in the
universe that had to struggle with the prejudice placed over my head.
Though I knew I was too young, I entered the Nifty website. I have read
almost all the Boyband Stories since then, and at the age I am now, I
decided to write a story myself.
	My deepest wish, and partial reason to writing this story, is to
influence other gay men to write, and reach out to gay youth. They are the
future, and without help, could suffer greatly. If it hadn't been for
things like Nifty (and XY the magazine, if you don't know what that is, go
to your nearest bookstore, and buy it, if you really want to help out, buy
a subscription, or send a donation, because it is one of the best magazines
for gay youth, and they need help! I don't know if it is illegal for me to
use their name in here, but im sure they would like the praise. If you work
for XY, and are reading this, email me and tell me if im wrong ? ), I most
likely would have committed suicide myself.
	I hope you like this story. With school, and my increasingly
demanding life, im not sure how quickly I will be able to get out the
chapters, but I will promise to finish it, no matter how long it takes.
Finally, I am an incredible email addict, so email me, with comments about
the story, or questions about me, if you have any, he he he...

	J Part 1: After death

Chapter 1


"I weaken with each voice that sings, In this world of purchase, I'm going
to buy back memories, To awake some old qualities... Have I got a long way
to run? ... Yeah, I run"

I cried. I cried not only for myself, but for the people I was leaving
behind. My family, my friends... they knew not of where I was going. They
didn't even know I was gone. I had packed my things at 1 o'clock in the
morning, and left without a sound.  Collective soul blared through the 6
speakers in my Volkswagen beetle. My suitcase, cardboard boxes, all piled
in the back seat, reminded me of what I was undertaking. I had never ran
away from home, not even as a kid. My emotions were at sky-high. It all
blended into the reality of driving north on the Florida Turnpike.  A vast
Floridian Thunderstorm loomed west of me. As I drove, and cried, I watched
the gray get darker and darker, and soon I was driving straight into the
storm.  Lighting flashed around me, and the deep roar of thunder shook the
Volkswagen.  Rain flowed over the windshield, and the wipers struggled to
make the road visible. Through tears and rain I could not see the road, and
I considered pulling over.  Then dark form appeared on the pavement ahead,
clouded in my headlights. I wiped at my face and squinted. The form got
closer, and my heart sank. There he was, in the road, soaking wet. As I
neared him, he raised the gun straight at the car. I tried to scream, to
yell, but my voice stuck to the back of my throat. I swerved, his form
misted away into the night.  I don't know at that point if I lost control
or blacked out first, only the telephone pole will ever know. I passed into
darkness, as the pole and car became acquainted for the first time.

* * * * * * * * * *

I awoke with a start. Green tubing stuck out of my nose, and I found there
was a heart monitor and oxygen tanks around my bed. Reality set in, and
soon the pain in my chest followed suit. I wondered how long I had been
out. The wonder didn't last long, as I found myself sinking back into
sleep.  * * * * * * * * * A quick push of the nurse call button, a few
minutes wait, and soon I was ready for a quick round of the hospital. As
much as I hurt, I could not stay in the hospital bed.  It had been a day
since I woke from a weeklong coma. Already the hospital had me on drugs,
and I was told I was allowed to leave the bed. With nothing but slight
discomfort stopping me, I took every available chance I could get to leave.
I left the starched white bed, and out into the hallway. I followed the
reflections of the lights in the glossed floor, as I made my way out to the
main hall. I walked past rooms of children, with flowers overflowing their
rooms. I saw old people, a few on life support machines. It seemed like the
hospital was full. I didn't care. Nothing mattered it seemed, I could
remember nothing, no reason for being in the hospital, life before the
hospital, nothing. The doctors told me I had suffered total memory
loss. Strange, I never thought Amnesia felt as mind bogglingly like a dream
as this did.  One room I passed had a screaming man in it. The nurse tried
to calm him, with no avail. His face was beat red, and he was screaming to
be released at once. As I walked past, he hit the nurse, who was soon
assisted by another. I watched the chaos as I continued down the hall.
"Owww," I yelled, as I tripped, head first, over some one. I landed hard on
the floor with a thud, and I doubled over in pain.  "Oh my god! Are you ok?
Jeez, I'm sorry!" He reached down and offered a hand.  I looked up, and
smiled. Blond hair, blue eyes -- suddenly I was glad I had payed
attention to the yelling man, and not where I was going.  He pulled me up,
and the look on his face was pure horror. I giggled at it.  "What's so
funny?" he asked.  "I'm fine, don't look so terrified," I said, holding
back the pain. He laughed too, and we both smiled.  "I'm Andrew, you can
call me Andy... and you are?"  "Nick" He smiled again.  "Hi Nick, nice
to... uh... bump into you," "I'm sorry, I should have paid more attention
to where I was going. That yelling man just caught my attention."  I
laughed, and he smiled. Boy, he sure did a lot of that! Good thing too,
because the pain in my chest quickly subsided.
	"Well nice to meet you, I better be going, I haven't fully
memorized who is staying in this hospital, and why they are here." I told
him
	" Oh, let me come with you... My friend just had heart surgery, so
I'm a little on the edge. A nice walk would do me good, seeing as I will
probably be here quite a few days. It looks to me like you will be too."
	"Car accident." I told him, and he nodded. "'nuff said." He
laughed, and we continued on down the hall.


Chapter 2

	Brian looked weak; his face was gaunt, and pale. We all were tired,
however, nowhere near as tired as he looked. AJ was pacing back and forth
outside; he was incredibly worried, as we all were.
	"How are you holding up Bri?" I asked. Everyone sighed at my
question, as it inevitably broke the silence hanging in the room.
	"I guess... I guess I'm fine..." he mumbled. "I'm incredibly tired,
more so than you guys could grasp... It doesn't hurt any, so don't
worry... they have me doped up on enough drugs..." He laughed, but I could
see he regretted it afterwards.
	"How long will he be in here, doc?" Howie asked.
	"Well, he could stay for about 3 days, but we have decided to make
it a week, for full recovery." The doctor was short, and young. It seemed
to me he was way too young to know anything about hearts, let alone surgery
on them. AJ and I called him Doogie Howser to ease up the tension around
his young age. It only made us worry more.
	His answer hung in the air for a little while. I don't know why I
had asked the question, we all knew how long he would be out for. We had
everything planned. No concerts, no gigs, no appearances, all until Brian
was perfectly healed. He had to be 100% back to normal in order for
everything to go back to the chaotic normalcy of our life.  "I'll go tell
AJ the news... he's playing the classical worried mother part," I told
everyone. Brian nodded.
	"Thanks Nick, having you guys here when I woke up made a world of a
difference."
	I gave a quick nod to everyone, and left the room. AJ had stopped
pacing, but still had a deeply worried look on his face.
	"He's ok AJ... you can calm down now. Really, he has his mother in
there, all of us, and Doogie Howser, to worry about him... you don't have
to take on 100% of the worrying task. Plus, you don't want to worry
yourself to a point were we have to put YOU here in the hospital." I took
him into a hug.
	"I know Nick, I just can't help it... I'm worried, overly so, but
you know why...  Until this is over with, I don't think I will stop
worrying." I nodded. We stayed hugging, and I felt AJ sob a little on my
shoulder.
	"I'm going to take a short walk, through the hospital... maybe to
meet some of the other wonderful patients in this hospital... It will help
me calm down some, do you want to come with me? You might feel a little
better?" I added some question to my plea, hoping AJ would give in.
	"No, I'm going to go in the room. Brian needs my support... and so
do the guys...  " he pulled away from my hug.
	"Ok, tell the guys where I'm going... and that I'll be fine." He
laughed.
	"Like we want to worry about you!"
	I turned and walked off, as AJ went into the hospital room. He
would be ok, I knew; he was just worried. We all were.
	I strolled down the hallways, past nurses, and patients in wheel
chairs. A few times I stopped in some kids room, to offer the joy of seeing
a "Backstreet Boy". At the time I thought it was a good idea, but soon I
had doctors and nurses asking me for autographs.
	After I had given the entire hospital my autograph (or so it
seemed), I quickly dashed off down the hall towards the emergency room, and
special care rooms, in hope no one there would be conscious enough to
recognize me. As I turned a corner, I heard a deep yell of a man. As I
turned to look, I crashed into some one, who fell on the floor with a loud
thud. He was bandaged, and bruised enough as it seemed, and it was my fault
for knocking him on the floor.  "Oh my god! Are you ok? Jeez, I'm sorry!" I
reached down a hand.  He pushed aside a lock of brown hair, and I got a
glance of two gorgeous pairs of brown eyes. He must have seen the look of
horror in my eyes, because he giggled.  "What's so funny?" I half asked,
half yelled.  "I'm fine, don't look so terrified," He said, cringing. I
laughed. He definitely was FINE, but he didn't look like he was telling the
truth about being okay.  "I'm Andrew, you can call me Andy... and you are?"
"Nick" I smiled. His eyes had a blank look to them, almost like he wasn't
sure what was going on.  "Hi Nick, nice to... uh... bump into you."  "I'm
sorry, I should have paid more attention to where I was going. That yelling
man just caught my attention. He's kind of scary looking. I hope they get
him under control." I said.
	"Yeah...well..." he paused, almost as if he wasn't sure if he
wanted to say what he was going to say next.  "Nice to meet you, Nick. I
better be going, though, I haven't fully memorized who is staying in this
hospital, and why they are here."
	" Oh, let me come with you... My friend just had heart surgery, so
I'm a little on the edge. A nice walk would do me good, seeing as I will
probably be here quite a few days. It looks to me like you will be too." I
wasn't about to let him go, not with his gorgeous eyes.
	"Car accident... 'nuff said." I laughed, as he began walking down
the hall. "So, who is your friend, is he/she ok?" He asked, not looking at
me.
	"Oh yeah, he's fine... His name is Brian..." I wondered if he would
recognize the names. He already surprised me, because he didn't recognize
me.
	"Oh, that's good..." He said. My assumptions were correct. Maybe he
just doesn't like the Backstreet Boys. I wasn't about to ask.
	"So, you were in a car accident, huh? Was it your fault?" I asked,
hoping to regain eye contact in the process.
	"Well... the doctors told me it was a car accident... I didn't
know... they told me my car was wrapped around a telephone pole, and that I
was lucky to live. Strangely, I don't feel that lucky. Have you ever had
amnesia? That's what they told me," He said, as- a-matter-of-factly. He
looked over at me. My heart sank at his brown eyes.
	"Oh... no... It must be horrible though. My other friends, they
keep telling me I'm loosing my memory, but I don't think its anything close
to what its like to have amnesia."
	"Well, I doubt it, though I wouldn't know... You seem like a pretty
cool guy Nick," he said. I nodded my thanks. "But I'm feeling a little
tired. I'm staying in room 109, come see me some time, k?"
	I didn't even have to think about the answer to that
question. "Sure, I would be more than happy too. With Brian here, I'm sure
I'll be around plenty."
	"Okay, well, g'bye" He waved, and walked off.
	"Bye!" I yelled at him, as I turned to head back to Brian's room. A
million thoughts raced through my head, the main one being "I really want
to see him again".


Ok guys, I know this one is a little short, but its 1 o'clock in the
morning. I promise the next one will be longer. Email me at
jaquarius214@hotmail.com, I love to get email...

Especially with comments about this story...