Date: Sun, 07 May 2000 22:36:10 EDT
From: Lucas Thompson <rtstories@hotmail.com>
Subject: Because I Love You - 9
Author's Note:
Well here goes nothing. This is my first story for all to read.
Hopefully you'll find it interesting to say the least, and keep up with it.
All of your comments and criticisms are appreciated. Please let me know
what you think of the story.
E-mail me at: rtstories@hotmail.com
I guess here's where I say my peace. Hope you guys enjoy this
installment. It went a lot smoother than the last one, so I was done fairly
quickly. I would've posted it sooner, but I still had to edit it when I saw
DLS had posted a new installment of "Brian and Me." All of you should know
by now how much I love that story, so instead of working on finishing this
installment, I decided to take a sabbatical and read "Brian and Me" instead.
I couldn't help myself. Just knowing there was an installment out there
that I haven't read yet, kept me from doing anything else. It was really
long, so it took me a while. I finally finished it, and then I finished my
story. So...yall can blame DLS for me not posting sooner!!!
Legal Disclaimer:
This work is purely fiction. It is purely derived from the mind
of the author and in no way dictates the sexual orientation of any of the
Back Street Boys. Only in my mind do I truly believe they're gay, and in
love with me. Any similarity to real life, or to someone's life, is purely
coincidental. It contains homosexual subject matter. If you're not into
that, why not??? Gay porn/erotica is way hotter than heterosexual porn!!!
Do not read any further if you are under the legal age for viewing this
material in your country, state, province, city, town, suburb, home, shack,
hole in the wall, cardboard box, van down by the river, or trailer home!!!
End of Chapter Eight
"Surprise." Ewan said.
Nick's face turned pale, and his heart sank. His head began to spin,
and he blinked his eyes, trying to figure out whether this was a dream or
not. When he realized it wasn't a dream, he ran out of Kevin's suite. He
couldn't believe what just happened. He fumbled with his keycard, but
finally got the door to his room open. He slammed the door shut with his
body, and slid down onto the floor.
******
"What just happened?" A.J. asked.
"I don't know." Kevin answered.
"You guys really need to work on your people skills." Ewan joked.
"You really know how to make a guy feel welcome around here." Ewan said
sarcastically, trying to cover up his embarrassment.
********************************************************************************
Because I Love You
By: Lucas
Chapter 9
Just as Nick ran out the door, Howie made his way into Kevin's room.
"What's up with Nick?" Howie asked, with his head still looking out
the door.
"I don't know." Ewan answered.
Howie didn't recognize the voice until he turned around. "Ewan?
What's up, man? How've ya been??" Howie said, as he walked into the room,
and pulled Ewan into a hug.
After being released from Howie's arms, Ewan turned to everyone. "See
guys, now that's what normal people say when they see someone they haven't
seen in a long time." Ewan joked. "I'm pretty good, Howie. How've you
been?"
"Can't complain." Howie answered. "Now, can someone explain to me
why Nick ran out of here like there was a fire, or something."
"I think that may have been my fault." Ewan answered. "But I'm not
sure. Either way, I should go see if he's alright."
"You think that's a good idea?" Kevin asked. "He did run out of here
when he saw you."
"Well, that's why I'm gonna go. I wanna see what's up." Ewan said.
"You still keep a master room key Kev?" Ewan asked.
"Yeah." Kevin answered with a questioning look. "How did you know I
kept one?"
"How do you think Nick and I got into Brian's room, the last time, to
take all of his underwear?" Ewan answered back.
"I still have to get you back for that one." Brian said.
"Well, I wont' hold my breath." Ewan answered, as Kevin handed him
the key. "Alright boys, if I'm not out in an hour...assume that Nick has
killed me, and call the cops. If I'm dead, just know my favorite flowers
are lilies." Ewan joked.
There was a knock at the door, and Brian walked over to open it. The
bellhop was standing there with the cart of food they ordered. He brought
in the food, and Brian signed for it, giving him a generous tip. After the
bellhop left the room, Ewan spoke up.
"Alright guys, wish me luck, and Brian, don't eat all of the French
toast like you usually do. I'll drag Nick back in here if I have to, to get
some French toast." Ewan joked. "Which one's his room, by the way?" Ewan
asked.
"2107." Kevin answered.
Ewan nodded, and thanked Kevin as he left the room.
Howie still had no clue as to what was going on, so as they started
breakfast, the others explained to him what he missed.
******
Ewan walked down the hall towards Nick's room. When he reached the
door to room "2107," he looked at it, thinking to himself how he was going
to approach the situation. Ewan contemplated using his usual "straight
forward" approach of barging into Nick's room, and demanding answers, but he
thought back on Nick's e-mails, and opted for the more subtle approach. He
wasn't sure how long he could keep that up, but he decided to let Nick set
the pace, rather than him.
Ewan knocked on the door, and called out Nick's name. When he didn't
receive a response, he decided to try again.
"Nick? It's Ewan. C'mon man open the door. I just wanna talk."
Ewan tried to reason with Nick. This time he did receive a response.
"Go AWAY. I don't want to talk!!!" Nick yelled towards the door,
from where he was laying on the bed.
"C'mon Nick. Please let me in. I feel stupid talking to the door.
The maid's at me funny." Ewan joked, hoping Nick would reconsider.
'You feel stupid???' Nick thought to himself. 'How the hell do you
think I feel? I tell you all this shit, and instead of responding, you feel
the need to show up, as if everything I said was a big joke? You have a
weird sense of humor sometimes, Ewan.' Nick continued to think to himself.
'Hey Ewan, guess what...I'm gay!!! Oh, okay Nick, let me torture you and
not say anything, but instead I'll surprise you and show up in your hotel.'
Nick said imitating a mock conversation between Ewan and him. 'You couldn't
just e-mail a response like normal people now could you?' Nick said to
himself sarcastically.
"Alright Nick. I was trying to be nice, but if you don't open this
door, I'm going to use Kevin's master key to get in." Ewan threatened.
Exasperated, Ewan took the key, in his hand, and slipped it into the lock.
He heard the door click, and saw the light on the panel turn green,
signaling that the door was now unlocked. Victoriously, he turned the
handle with his other hand. The door started to open, but all of a sudden
stopped, when there was only a crack in the opening. Ewan looked up, and
saw that Nick had placed the chain on the door.
"What? You didn't think I knew you were gonna try that?" Nick said
from inside the room. "I'm not stupid, Ewan."
"I didn't say you were Nick. God, what's gotten into you?" Ewan
asked from the hallway.
'What did you do wrong?' Nick thought to himself, as his anger grew.
'You think it's funny to just show up at my hotel room, right after I come
out to you? You don't even write telling me what you think, or that you're
coming, but instead think that it'd be funny to just show up?' Nick said
getting angrier.
"Nick?" Ewan asked weakly.
"What?" Nick screamed. "Why can't all of you just leave me alone?!?"
"Nick?" Ewan said questioningly. "Fine. If that's what you want.
I'll leave. I won't bother you. I just wanted to see if you wanted to
talk, but I guess you don't." Ewan said irritably in defeat.
Nick thought about what Ewan said, and realized that he just told the
only person he could possibly talk to, to go away. He shot up from his bed,
and ran to the door. He removed the chain, and opened it. He was greeted
by Ewan's smiling face.
"What?" Nick questioned.
"I knew that'd get ya. You were never much for feeling guilty." Ewan
said, as he pushed past Nick, into the room. He didn't want Nick to have
another opportunity to shut him out again.
"I hate you. You know that? You're such a pain in the ass
sometimes." Nick said, as he closed the door. He turned around and walked
past Ewan. He flopped back onto the bed, burying his face into the pillow.
"Yeah. I know, but you still love me." Ewan said, as he made his way
towards the other bed in Nick's room, and sat down. He looked over at Nick
lying on the bed, and knew that he was hurting. He needed to find out what
was wrong, and he couldn't accomplish that unless he dropped the hardass
routine.
"So, do you wanna talk about it?" Ewan asked.
"No." Nick answered, his head now facing away from Ewan.
"Why?" Ewan asked.
"Why?" Nick said sarcastically. "Cause I don't want to. That's
why."
"Yes you do." Ewan said.
"What? Who the hell are you to tell me whether or not I want to
talk?"
"Nick. It's me you're talking to. The only other person who knows
you better is Brian." Ewan said.
As soon as Nick heard Ewan mention Brian's name, his body stiffened.
"If you didn't want to talk," Ewan said, "you wouldn't have written me
those e-mails."
Once again, Nick's body stiffened when Ewan mentioned the e-mails.
'Why hasn't he said anything about how I feel towards Brian yet?' Nick
thought to himself. 'I bet he's ignoring the subject, or he's in denial
about me being gay.'
"And, you wouldn't have opened the door, to let me in." Ewan
explained to Nick. "Now, we can either talk, possibly making you feel
better, or we can stare at each other all day, cause I'm not leaving until I
know what's bothering you."
When Nick didn't move or respond, Ewan decided to try another
approach.
"Nick. Whether you believe me or not, I want to help you. Please let
me help. I hate seeing you miserable like this, and so do the other guys.
Why else do you think Brian called me, and asked me to talk to you
face-to-face? All of us want to help. I don't get why you're shutting us
out like this." Ewan explained to Nick.
Nick finally responded, when he heard Brian was the one responsible
for asking Ewan to come to New York. Nick turned his head around, on the
pillow, to face Ewan. "Brian asked you to come?" Nick questioned.
"Yeah, but like I said in the e-mail, I wanted to be here with you."
Ewan explained.
"Brian asked you to come talk to me?" Nick asked again.
"Yes." Ewan said. "Isn't that what I just said?"
Nick's heart raced, and he became lightheaded, realizing Brian cared
enough for him to fly Ewan all the way from Michigan, just to talk to him
and try to make him feel better.
Ewan looked over at Nick, who had a silly grin on his face, and a
dazed look in his eyes. Ewan couldn't understand the quick change in his
demeanor.
"Nick. Nick, you still with me?" Ewan asked.
"Huh?" Nick responded, coming out of his daydream. "Yeah, I'm here.
I was just thinking."
"The guys tell me you've been doing a lot of that lately. What's up?"
Ewan asked.
"What's up?" Nick questioned, his anger returning. "You should know
what's up."
"I should know what's up? I'm the one who just got here. You're
starting to sound like Kevin. Why are you being so vague? And why are you
mad at me, all of a sudden? The only thing I know is what you've told me in
your e-mails."
"Exactly. I tell you something about me, that's killing me, and
that's so important to me, and you leave me hanging. Then I find out you
think it's funny to just show up in my hotel room." Nick blurted out.
"Woah." Ewan said. "If this is what love does to you, I'd hate to be
there when you go through a breakup." Ewan remarked.
"Arrgh!!!" Was all Nick could get out, as he buried his face back
into his pillow in frustration. 'Why can't you take anything seriously?'
Nick thought to himself.
******
"Ewan opened the door from Kev's bedroom, and that's when Nick
bolted." A.J. explained to Howie.
"Oh, I see. Do we know why?" Howie asked.
"Naw, that's what Ewan's trying to find out right now." Brian quietly
answered, as he stared at his plate. He hadn't been able to eat much this
morning. He was worried about Nick, and also that his plan to bring Ewan to
New York had backfired.
"Speaking of which...It's been almost an hour already. Shouldn't
someone go check on them?" A.J. asked.
"Yeah, someone should go. Bring them the leftovers from breakfast.
I'm sure they're hungry." Kevin said, as he got up to put his plate onto
the cart.
"I'll go." Brian volunteered. "This is probably all my fault
anyway."
"Stop beating yourself up over it, Bri." Kevin said. "It's not your
fault. We don't know whose fault it is, or if it's anyone's fault at all.
We just gotta hope Ewan can figure something out."
"Yeah. Whatever." Brian remarked, as he started to wheel the cart
out into the hall.
"Hey Bri." Howie called out to Brian. "Wait up. I'll walk down the
hall with ya." Howie said as he stood up, and walked towards Brian.
"Come back if you hear anything." Kevin said, as they were about to
leave. "If not, let's meet up for lunch around one. Okay?"
"Yeah. No prob." Brian said, as he and Howie left Kevin's room.
******
"Hey Bri, you okay?" Howie asked.
"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just a little worried. I thought asking Ewan to
come here would help Nick out, not make him worse." Brian lamented.
"You don't know that. We don't know that. It's not your fault. Nick
hasn't said much to us lately, and you were just trying to help." Howie
comforted Brian. "Besides. If I know Ewan, he's not gonna leave Nick alone
until he's found out what's wrong. And when Ewan finds out what's bothering
you, he'll do his damnest to make things right. So, you have nothing to
worry about. Nick's in good hands. 'Sides, Ewan's our only hope. Maybe
it's a good thing they've been in there for a while now."
"I guess, you're right. I can't help feeling responsible for this
whole thing." Brian said defeated.
"You gotta stop doing that. You're always blaming yourself when
things go wrong. You can't do that. You're just gonna make yourself
miserable in the end. You did what you thought was right, by asking Ewan to
come. So, you can't blame yourself. Personally, I think it was a good
idea, and if you hadn't beat us to it, one of us would have surely done the
exact same thing." Howie explained to Brian.
"Yeah. You're probably right. Thanks D." Brian said.
"Sure. That's what I'm here for. Just one question though." Howie
said, as they stood in front of his room.
"What's up?"
"You guys aren't planning anything for me are ya? I mean, I know you
guys know that I was in on it with Kev, so I was just wondering if I have to
double lock my doors at night." Howie joked.
"Well, since Ewan is here...It'll be a waste if we don't utilize his
talents. So, I'd watch your back if I were you." Brian said as he gave
Howie an evil smile, and proceeded to Nick's room.
"I hate you Brian. You know that?" Howie called out from the doorway
of his room. Brian didn't respond, but instead continued walking. Once he
reached Nick's room, he took in a deep breath, preparing himself for the
worst. Brian knocked on the door.
"Ewan? Nick? It's Bri. Open up." Brian called from the hallway.
Nick and Ewan sat in silence, when they heard Brian knock on the door.
Nick quickly stood up from the bed when he heard Brian's voice. He knew
he couldn't let Brian see him in his current state. He began to panic, when
he saw Ewan stand up from the other bed, and walk towards the door.
"Ewan!!!" Nick whispered loudly. "What are you doing?" Nick asked.
"I'm getting the door." Ewan answered back.
"NO. Don't open the door." Nick said, getting up from the bed, and
walking towards Ewan.
"What? What's wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird? Brian
knows we're in here. He's gonna get worried if we don't answer the door."
Ewan explained.
"No don't. PLEASE!!!" Nick pleaded with Ewan. "I don't want him to
see me like this. I already looked like a fool when I ran out of Kev's room
earlier."
"Nick. Since when have you become self-conscious about what you
looked like to other people? You never cared, especially with Brian and me.
Besides, you always look like a fool. He won't even notice. What
happened earlier didn't faze anyone." Ewan joked.
"Stop joking, Ewan. I'm serious." Nick whispered, as he glanced back
at the door.
When Brian didn't receive an answer, he started to worry. He decided
to knock again, before panicking.
"Hey guys? You in there?" Brian said, as he knocked again. "Ewan?
Nick? C'mon, open the door." Brian begged from the hallway.
"Alright fine. How 'bout we do this. I'll answer the door, and you
go to the bathroom. I'll talk to Brian, but I'll make up some excuse why he
can't stay. When he's gone, I'll come get you. Deal?" Ewan asked.
"Yes!!! Thank You SO Much." Nick said, as he gave Ewan a hug, and
ran into the bathroom.
Ewan shook his head, not understanding what was going on. He thought
to himself, it was worth it, if he could get Nick to talk to him. He walked
over to the door, and opened it. Brian was standing there with a cart of
food, and a confused look on his face.
"You the new bellhop?" Ewan asked. He moved out of the way, so Brian
could bring the cart inside.
"Very funny. What took you so long to answer the door? Where's
Nick?" Brian asked as he surveyed the room.
"Sorry." Ewan apologized. "Nick wouldn't talk, so I had to kill him.
I needed time to hide the body. He's heavier than he looks." Ewan joked.
"So, you killed him?" Brian asked.
"More like he's killing me. God, it's so hard trying to get this boy
to talk." Ewan whispered, indicating to Brian that they should keep their
voices down, because Nick was in the bathroom.
"Now you know what we've been going through." Brian explained.
"Actually, you've made the most progress. He hasn't talked to any of us for
more than ten minutes, unless he has to."
"Do you have *any* clue what's going on?" Ewan asked Brian.
"You think I'd haul your ass half way across the country if I had any
clue?" Brian said.
"Point taken. I'll try and talk to him some more." Ewan said.
"You think I should stay?" Brian asked.
"Maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. It's hard enough for him to
talk to me alone, having another person in here might set him back a bit."
Ewan explained.
"Alright. I'll be in my room if you need me." Brian said dejectedly,
as he walked towards the door.
"Hey Bri." Ewan said. "Don't worry. I promise you everything will
go back to the way it used to be."
"I hope so. I hope so." Brian said, as he left Nick's room.
Ewan closed the door, and wheeled the cart near the table. He walked
to the bathroom, and knocked on the door. "You can come out now, Nick.
He's gone." Ewan said, as he made his way to the food cart.
Nick emerged from the bathroom, and looked around the room, making
sure Brian was actually gone.
"What? You don't believe me?" Ewan asked. "Just don't check under
the bed cause that's where I told Brian to hide." Ewan said sarcastically,
as he put some food on his plate.
Nick looked at Ewan. "Well, I just don't know anymore, cause I don't
get your sense of humor anymore." Nick said caustically.
"What are you talking about? You think it's a joke that I'd come up
all this way to see you?" Ewan asked.
Nick walked over to the food cart, grabbed a plate, and began filling
it with some food.
"Well, you tell me." Nick responded.
"You know, you can be such an ass sometimes." Ewan said. "Now what's
the deal with Brian? Why couldn't you let him see you like this, and why
can't you talk to him?" Ewan asked, as he sat down at the table.
Hearing what Ewan said, Nick started to get angry again. 'This has to
be the worst joke anyone has ever played on me. He's acting like he doesn't
even know.' Nick thought to himself.
"What do you mean why?" Nick asked Ewan, as he sat down at the table
across from him. "You know why. I told you the other night." Nick said
hesitantly. He wasn't sure how to broach the subject of his coming out.
"No. You didn't" Ewan said forcefully, matching the anger in Nick's
tone. "You didn't tell me anything. When did you tell me?"
"Yes I did. Stop pretending. I know you know. If you don't approve
of it, just say so. Stop playing dumb." Nick said, putting down his fork,
and staring Ewan down. "Remember. I told you in the e-mail I wrote you.
You know, the one you didn't even bother to respond to."
Ewan was frustrated with Nick. He put down his utensil, and met Nick's
stare.
"No, you told me you were in love with a girl, but you couldn't tell her
cause you were afraid it'd break up the group. I didn't understand what you
were saying. That's when Brian asked me to come here. I knew you needed
someone to talk to, so I wanted to help. That's why I agreed to come here."
Ewan explained. "But if I knew you were gonna be this difficult, I
would've thought twice about it."
"Wait a minute." Ewan interrupted, again. "What e-mail are you
talking about that I didn't respond to? I wrote back after reading every
e-mail." Ewan said.
"No you didn't" Nick said, and then paused to think. "Wait. When did
you get here?" Nick asked.
"I got in yesterday afternoon." Ewan answered.
"When did you leave Michigan?"
"Early yesterday morning." Ewan responded.
"Wait a second." Nick said as if he came to a realization. "When was
the last time you checked your e-mail?"
"The other night, before my roommate and I went to dinner. I wanted
to check it before I left, but I didn't have time. I needed to make my
flight." Ewan explained. "What's up with the twenty questions, Nick?"
"Hold on." Nick thought to himself, as he was finally piecing it all
together. His heart started to race with anticipation. He didn't want to
confirm that Ewan didn't get a chance to read his last e-mail, but he needed
to.
"What did the last e-mail I wrote you say?" Nick asked.
"You should know. You wrote it." Ewan remarked sarcastically.
"Ewan. I'm serious. What did it say?" Nick pleaded.
Ewan didn't understand where Nick was going, but decided to just humor
him instead.
"You were telling me about this girl you were in love with, and how
you couldn't tell anyone, cause it would break up the band. You told me
about A.J. asking questions, and Fatima yelling at you." Ewan said, as he
thought back on Nick's e-mail. "Oh, and you said something about making a
big mistake by almost sleeping with this girl you met at a club." Ewan
continued. "I'm proud that you didn't though, Nicky." Ewan asked seriously
seriously.
Nick was on the verge of hyperventilating, when he heard Ewan tell
him, in not so many words, that he never got his last e-mail. Now he
understood why Ewan and he were miscommunicating, and that it wasn't a joke
that he was there. He didn't know. Nick sat, stunned at the revelation.
He began to panic at the thought of having to tell Ewan, face-to-face.
"Nick? You alright?" Ewan asked. "You're as white as a ghost.
You're more white than that albino guy from 'Nsync." Ewan joked, trying to
get through to Nick.
Nick needed to breath. He needed space. He felt crowded and
overwhelmed. He needed to think about how, or even if he was going to tell
Ewan.
"Do you still smoke?" Nick asked Ewan.
"Yeah. Why?" Ewan asked.
"I need to smoke...NOW!!! Give me a cigarette." Nick pleaded with
Ewan.
Ewan put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out his pack and a
lighter. He slid them across the table to Nick.
"Since when do you smoke?" Ewan asked, as Nick stood up from the
table, and quickly walked onto the balcony.
"I don't." Nick answered, as he lit the cigarette, took a drag, and
coughed out the smoke. "I just need to smoke right now."
Ewan stood up from his chair, and followed Nick onto the balcony. He
took the pack of cigarettes from Nick's hand and took out a cigarette for
himself, and lit it expertly. He took a drag, and looked at Nick, before he
spoke.
"So, now you're smoking. This has to be big." Ewan remarked, as he
blew out a cloud of smoke.
"You have no idea." Nick said.
******
A.J was sitting on the couch, finishing his cup of coffee, as Kevin
took a seat across from him. He was feeling uneasy with the way they left
things last night. Kevin was being overwhelmed by the guilt he felt for
what he said to A.J.
"Hey A.J.?" Kevin said, breaking the silence in the room.
"'Sup Kevin?" A.J. said, between sips.
"I just wanted to apologize for what I said to you at the park
yesterday. I wasn't really thinking when I said it. I'm sorry."
"It's alright Kev. I know you were pissed at Nick, and it just
spilled over. It was a pretty shitty thing to say, but it's alright." A.J.
said. "You just gotta learn to chill when it comes to Nick."
"Yeah. I know."
"What is it with you and him anyway?" A.J. asked.
"I don't know. I guess cause he's the youngest and all. It's just
frustrating. I just wish he'd stop fucking up sometimes." Kevin said.
"Yeah, but Nick's human too. He's allowed to fuck up. You never got
this mad when it came to any of us before. Why with Nick?"
"I don't know. I guess I just expect more from him. I mean, with you
guys, there wasn't really much I could do. With Nick though...He was young,
and impressionable. I like to think I taught him better." Kevin admitted.
"You did Kev, and he's a great kid cause of it. You just gotta learn
to lay off him sometimes. That's why the two of you get into so many
fights. Just one mistake from him will set you off. You're always crowding
him. Just give him some space, and then maybe he'll come around and talk to
you like a friend sometimes." A.J. advised Kevin.
"I just wanna help him. That's all. I want him to be okay." Kevin
said.
"I know, and I'm sure he knows. You just have a funny way of showing
it sometimes. Besides, are you sure that's all it is?" A.J. asked
mischievously.
"What do you mean, A.J.?" Kevin asked.
"I mean, between you and Nick. Are you sure it's not anything more
than you just playing the big brother who wants to make sure he's 'okay?'"
A.J. prodded, emphasizing the words "big brother," and "okay," by making the
hand gesture for quotation marks.
"What are you trying to say, A.J.?" Kevin asked defensively.
"I'm not tryin' to say anything. I'm just making simple
observations." A.J. said.
"Well your 'observations,'" Kevin said sarcastically, "are dead wrong.
It's just like I said. I just wanna make sure Nick's okay." Kevin said,
stressing the last word.
"Alright. Fine. Forget I said anything then." A.J. said. "So how
do you think Ewan's doing in there?" A.J. asked.
"I don't know. Better than any of us, I'd say. He's managed to stay
in there, longer than any of us have in the past few months."
A.J. studied Kevin's face, and the way it contorted, when he spoke.
"You're jealous." A.J. said plainly to Kevin.
"What?" Kevin said, surprised. "Jealous of what?"
"Don't play dumb. You know what I'm talking about." A.J. teased
Kevin.
"No. I don't. Tell me what I'm jealous of, oh wise one."
"You're jealous of Ewan."
"No I'm not." Kevin said defensively, and stood up to walk away from
A.J.
"Oh, yes you are. I just can't believe I never noticed it before.
That's why you hate him so much." A.J. said, standing up, and following
Kevin.
"I don't hate him, and I have no reason to be jealous of him." Kevin
said, not being able to look directly at A.J.
A.J. started laughing at Kevin's behavior. He had caught him again,
and he was proud.
"You can't stand the fact that Ewan can talk to Nick. You resent the
fact that Ewan's the only one Nick will talk to right now. You're jealous
that he's got Nick's attention, and you don't. Aren't ya Kev?" A.J. asked.
"Don't be ridiculous. Stop asking questions, A.J. And besides, why
would I want Nick's attention?" Kevin asked, now obviously uncomfortable at
the direction their discussion had gone in.
"Cause you've always had Nick's attention, until a few years ago."
A.J. said, and then thought for a second. He became excited when he
realized he was right. "Oh my god. I'm right. Nick's always followed you,
and always looked up to you. Ever since we got together, he'd always hang
with Brian, but when you came into the room, he was all over you. He'd ask
you to play Nintendo, or hang out, or play ball with him. Now you're mad
that he doesn't do those things anymore." A.J. explained.
"Okay. Now you're just being really stupid now, A.J. That's so not
true." Kevin said, embarrassed at having his inadequacies pointed out to
him.
"Yes it is. Don't deny it. You're acting like a parent whose kid is
going through puberty. You're suffering from Nick withdrawal." A.J.
blurted out, followed by something that surprised Kevin. "You love him
don't you?"
"What? What kind of question is that? Of course I love Nick. I love
Nick just as much as I love the rest of you guys." Kevin said.
"No, you love Nick more." A.J. said.
"I don't love him in the way your sick, little, perverted mind thinks
I love him."
"Yes you do, you always have."
"Oh, what...Now you're jealous?" Kevin asked.
"Uh uh. Don't turn the tables on me like you always do. I'm not
falling for that again. We're talking about you right now." A.J. said,
enjoying his psychoanalyzation of Kevin. "And what did you mean by saying
that you don't love Nick in the way my 'little, sick, perverted mind' thinks
you do?" A.J. asked, following Kevin again as Kevin walked away, trying to
escape A.J.
"You know what I mean. I know you immediately thought I wanted to
jump Nick's bones. That's what you were thinking." Kevin said, as he
stopped behind the couch.
A.J. also stopped, and stood, looking at Kevin from the other side of
the couch. "I wasn't thinking that." A.J. said.
"C'mon A.J." Kevin said, giving him the look that always got A.J. to
tell the truth.
"Alright. Fine. I was thinking that. You happy???" A.J. said, as
Kevin smiled, knowing he was right. "So...do you want to?" A.J. asked with
a smile.
"Do I want to what?" Kevin asked, smiling.
"You know." A.J. said, starting to laugh.
"No I don't."
"Do you wanna jump HIS BONES!?!" A.J. yelled.
"NO...I DON"T" Kevin said, as he took a pillow and threw it at A.J.
A.J. ducked, as the pillow was about to make contact with his head.
"Why not? If Nick was my type...I would!!!" A.J. joked.
"You're such a pervert. I didn't need that mental image, thank you,
very much!!!"
A.J. sat down, and Kevin walked around the end of the couch, to sit
down next to A.J.
"He is really cute though." A.J. said, somewhat seriously.
"So...go for it." Kevin said. "You know he's into guys too. So,
there's no problem."
"It's not that simple Kev. It doesn't work that easily in
'Fairyland.'" A.J. joked.
" 'Fairyland?'" Kevin questioned. "What the hell is that?"
" 'Fairyland.' You know, where all of us gay guys live. Where the
streets are paved with gold, and all the guys walk around in cut-off shorts,
tight muscle shirts, and dance around to the BackStreet Boys greatest hits,
all day long." A.J. joked, as he and Kevin started laughing.
"You're such a queen sometimes." Kevin joked back.
"See. You know our lingo. If you'd just finally come out of that
closet of yours, you'd fit right in." A.J. joked.
"First of all...I'm straight!!! And second of all...like you should
talk. You're the biggest closet case there is." Kevin poked back. "I
don't understand why you won't just tell all of the other guys. Who knows,
maybe, Nick'll give you some play." Kevin joked.
"Yeah. Okay. Whatever!!!" A.J. said. "There's no need for me to
come out. Nick on the other hand...now he needs to come out. If he doesn't
talk to someone, he's gonna die." A.J. said. "It's gonna eat at him so
bad, until one day, he's just gonna burst."
"So why don't you talk to him about it?" Kevin asked. "Just tell him
your gay, and get it over with. The two of you can go shopping, or do
whatever else it is you guys like to do." Kevin joked.
"Very funny Kev. Like I said...It's not that simple." A.J. said,
getting serious now. "I can't just come out to him, and ask him if he wants
to sleep with me. I can't just slap a pink triangle on him, and say
'Congratulations!!! You're gay!!! Welcome to the club!!!'" A.J. said
sarcastically.
"He's gotta be ready, and he's gotta do it on his own terms." A.J.
said.
"Is that why you haven't said anything to the other guys yet? You're
not ready?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah. You can say that." A.J. said softly. He paused, and thought
to himself. "I'll do it when I'm ready."
"Fine." Kevin said. "I won't push you. I'll be right behind you
when you decide to do it though." Kevin said seriously, and put an arm
around A.J.'s shoulders.
"Hmmm. Mr. Richardson? Are you trying to proposition me?" A.J.
joked. "See I knew you were gay."
Kevin slapped A.J. in the side. "Leave it to you to ruin a serious
moment." Kevin said.
"I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself." A.J. said, giggling.
"Seriously though. What do we do about Nick?" Kevin asked. "Like
you said, he does need to talk to someone. You think he'll come out to
Ewan?"
"Ewan?" A.J. questioned. "I'm not sure. I doubt it though.
Besides, I don't even know if Nick being gay is what's really bothering him.
I mean, I know it would and did bother me, but you can't tell with Nick.
I know it's probably a part of it, so I wanna try and talk to him about it,
but we're still not sure. I guess we'll just have to see how he is, after
he talks to Ewan." A.J. explained.
"Alright, but what are you going to do?" Kevin asked.
"I don't know. There isn't a manual for this type of thing. Maybe,
I'll take him out, and drop some hints. Let him know that it's okay to be
gay, I guess." A.J. said.
"Oh, that's your master plan?" Kevin asked.
"Hey, don't knock it. At least I have a plan. What are you gonna
do?"
"I don't know. I'm not really good at this type of thing. If he
comes to me and talks to me, that's one thing. I can do that, but how am I
supposed to help Nick 'come out?'" Kevin asked.
"You're right. There really isn't one thing that we can do. We just
gotta be there for him when he decides to tell us, and just help him along
the way. We just have to make sure he doesn't pull away more." A.J. said,
as he settled himself into the couch.
"Yeah. We'll just have to see how Ewan does, I guess." Kevin said,
once again emphasizing Ewan's name.
"See." A.J. said. "You did it again."
"What?" Kevin asked.
"The way you just said Ewan's name. It was like you detested it or
something." A.J. said. "See you are jealous of him." A.J. said laughing.
"Whatever A.J. There's no way I'm jealous of Ewan, and there's no way
I'm in love with Nick, so you can just drop the subject." Kevin said.
"Alright. Fine. Just promise me one thing though." A.J. said.
"Sure. Anything."
"Don't forget to send me the invitation when you decide to come out of
that closet of yours." A.J. joked, as his head was met by a pillow swat
from Kevin. The two of them were hysterically laughing at each other's
comments.
When they were able to calm down, A.J. was the first to speak.
"Hey Kev?"
"Yeah A.J.?"
"You know who I think would make a cute couple?" A.J. asked.
"Who?"
"Nick and Brian."
"Nick and Brian? As in Brian my cousin?" Kevin said.
"Do we know any other Brian's?" A.J. said sarcastically.
"Why on earth would you think that? Are we all gay in your mind?"
Kevin joked.
"I didn't say Brian was gay. I just said that Brian and Nicky would
make a cute couple." A.J. said.
"I suppose." Kevin said. "Are there any other couplings, or
fantasies, of yours I should know about?"
"Well..." A.J. laughed out. "There is this one I have, that involves
you, me, and Howie, some fruit, handcuffs, and a riding crop..." A.J.
teased.
"Alright...I'm sorry I asked. I DON'T need to know!!!" Kevin said,
laughing.
******
Nick stood on the balcony, finishing his second cigarette. He was
nervous, and in deep thought, so Ewan didn't want to disturb him. Nick
thought about what he was going to do. He desperately wanted to tell Ewan
that he was gay, and in love with Brian, but that's why he sent him the
e-mail. Nick didn't want to have to tell Ewan, in person. He didn't want
to see the rejection on his face, when he finally told him. He didn't want
to be hurt. On the other hand, Nick thought to himself, if he didn't tell
Ewan, he'd find out eventually, because he'd go back to Michigan and read
his e-mail. Or worse, Nick thought, he could check his e-mail while he was
still in New York, and then he'd still have to deal with Ewan. Either way,
Nick knew he had no choice. He had to tell him.
Nick walked back into the room, looking for his laptop. He took it
out and began to set it up on the table.
"What are you doing?" Ewan asked.
"You'll see. Just give me a sec." Nick responded, as he plugged in
the laptop to the outlet, and the telephone cord, into the jack.
Ewan watched in confusion. He wondered what this had to do with
Nick's problem. He remembered Nick mentioning the e-mails they exchanged
earlier, but had no clue what he was doing.
"Can you check your e-mail from here?" Nick asked.
"Yeah. You just have to sign me on. I can use telnet to access the
school's system."
Nick nodded, and powered up his computer. After everything was
loaded, he double-clicked on the AOL symbol, and began to sign on. His
hands were shaking, and he was starting to break out into a nervous sweat.
Nick had to take several deep breaths to keep from passing out. Once he was
signed on, he stood up, and motioned for Ewan to sit down.
Ewan looked at Nick funny, but decided to play along.
"Okay. Before you sign on, I have to tell you something." Nick said
nervously, as he started pacing the room. Ewan's head moved back and forth,
as he followed Nick's movements.
Nick took in a deep breath, before he began. "You didn't read all of
the e-mails I sent you. There's one that I sent late the other night."
Nick said, and paused, gathering his thoughts. His head was reeling with
thoughts of what was about to happen. Ewan just looked at Nick waiting for
him to continue. "That last e-mail should clear everything up." Nick said.
"Can I read it now?" Ewan asked.
"Yeah go ahead." Nick responded.
Ewan began to type on the keyboard when Nick stopped him.
"Wait. Before you go on, I just need you to promise me one thing."
Nick said.
"Alright. Sure. What?" Ewan asked.
"You have to promise me that if you don't agree with what it says,
you'll just leave. It'll hurt me that you leave, but it'll be better than
you yelling at me." Nick said.
"Yelling at you? Why would you think I'd yell at you?"
"Just read the e-mail." Nick said. "You'll see."
Nick paced the room, as he periodically watched Ewan for a reaction.
His heart was racing, and he felt like, any minute now, he was going to
faint. He looked at Ewan, who was now staring at the screen, reading what
was on it. 'This is it.' Nick thought to himself. He ran his hands
through his hair in anticipation. He needed to sit down, and so he sat down
on the bed, directly facing Ewan. He continued to watch, as Ewan studied
the screen in front of him. Nick was now getting really nervous. He knew
the message he wrote wasn't long, and it shouldn't have taken Ewan all this
time to read it. He felt his stomach churn, and he gripped the edge of the
bed.
After staring at the screen, Ewan finally looked up, and looked
directly at Nick.
Nick felt like he was going to pass out. Ewan hadn't said anything,
and he took it as a bad sign. Nick felt like he was boxed in. His heart
raced, and he felt like he couldn't breath. He felt a lump in his throat,
and couldn't swallow anything, because his mouth had gone dry earlier.
Still, Ewan just stared. Nick wanted to run as far away as possible, but he
was paralyzed. He was stuck to the bed. When he couldn't take it any
longer, he spoke up.
"Well?" Nick asked hoarsely.
"Well what?" Ewan said.
"Is that all you have to say?" Nick asked.
"Well, what else do you want me to say? Congratulations??? So,
you're gay. Big deal." Ewan said.
" 'So, your gay?' 'Big deal.' That's what you have to say? I reveal
possibly the biggest, life altering, thing of my life, and all you have to
say is 'BIG DEAL?'" Nick asked, burning with rage. "Is this your idea of a
joke?" Nick asked.
Ewan started to snicker, as he walked over to Nick, who was now
standing, and resumed his pacing.
"Nick, calm down." Ewan said, as he put his hands on Nick's
shoulders, trying to get him to stay still.
"Calm down? How do you expect me to be calm at a time like this?"
Nick asked irately.
Ewan turned Nick around, forcing him to look at him. He led Nick to
the bed, and made him sit down.
"Listen, is this what has been bothering you all this time?" Ewan
asked.
Nick nodded, letting him know that it had.
"Wow. Okay, this is big, but not as big as you make it."
"Not as big as I make it?" Nick said, practically screaming, and
standing up again. "You have a strange way of comforting people, and giving
them advice." Ewan took hold of Nick's shoulders again, and sat him down.
"Listen. Okay?" Ewan said. "So you're gay. No big deal. Like I
said before, you always blow things out of proportion. You probably thought
I was gonna be disgusted with you, and run out of here, but look, I'm still
here. It makes no difference to me. You're still the same Nick I met a
long time ago. The only difference is, now I know you like guys. No big
deal. Actually, it's better." Ewan said, as Nick gawked at him with a
confused look.
"It's better, because now you don't have to hide that fact. I bet ya
it was killing you inside, not to be able to tell anyone. Now, you have me,
and I'm cool with it. I still love ya, Nick." Ewan said.
Nick heard those words, and the lump in his throat returned. All of
the emotions he kept hidden began to resurface, and he couldn't hold them in
any longer. Nick felt happy, and relieved. He was so happy that he stood
up, and pulled Ewan into a deep hug. Ewan hugged him back, and then noticed
Nick was convulsing a bit. He tried to pull Nick away from the embrace, but
Nick was holding onto him as if his life depended on it. After a few
minutes, Ewan was able to pull Nick away, and look him in the eyes. Nick's
eyes were glazed over, and his face was tear stricken. Ewan knew Nick was
crying, but didn't know if it was tears of joy or sadness.
"Nick. You okay?" Ewan asked.
Nick smiled, as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "I've never felt
this relieved, in my whole life." Nick said, followed by a small laugh that
got a smile from Ewan.
"I can't begin to explain how bad this has been eating at me. I've
stayed up so many nights, not knowing how you guys would react to me being
gay. I was so frustrated, and now, I feel like I can take on the whole
world." Nick finished, and then sat back down onto the bed. He took in a
deep breath, realizing he just "came out," something he thought he'd never
be able to do.
Ewan sat down next to Nick, and put his arm around him, pulling Nick
towards him. Nick leaned his head into Ewan's shoulder, and wrapped his
right arm around Ewan's waist. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Ewan
sat next to Nick, letting him gather his thoughts. He comforted Nick, and
ran his hand up and down Nick's side.
Ewan was the first to break the silence. He could no longer suppress
the natural joker instinct within him.
"So, you have the hots for Brian, huh?" Ewan asked. "Nice choice.
He's got a cute butt." Ewan joked.
Nick quickly pulled away from Ewan, and looked him directly in the
eyes. He was searching for something. He gave him a confused look, and
then saw Ewan break into a smile, followed by laughter. Seeing this, Nick
smiled too, and joined Ewan in laughing at his comment. They were laughing
hysterically, as they thought about Brian's cute butt.
Once their laughter died down, they found themselves laying on the
bed. Nick laid there in silence, looking up at the ceiling. Ewan propped
his head up on his hand, and looked down at Nick. He realized Nick was lost
in thought, undoubtedly thinking about Brian.
"Man, you've got it bad." Ewan commented.
"What are you talking about?" Nick asked.
"You're totally in love, Nicky. I can see it. You have this goofy
look on your face, and a perm-a-grin smile. You were thinking of him just
now."
Nick closed his eyes, and in the darkness, he saw Brian standing
before him. 'He's so beautiful.' Nick thought to himself. 'How could I
not think of him all of the time?' Nick opened his eyes.
"Yeah. I was thinking of him." Nick admitted.
"You're gonna think this is kinda funny." Ewan said. "But in a way,
I kinda always knew you had a thing for him."
Nick turned his head, and looked at Ewan. "No you didn't. How could
you know?" Nick asked.
"C'mon Nick. I'm not blind." Ewan said. "Even if you just realized
that you were in love with him, I knew before you that you loved him. I
could never place it, so I passed it off as brotherly admiration, cause you
don't have an older brother, but looking back, you were falling for him."
Ewan explained.
"What?" Nick said. "That's retarded. I didn't even start having
feelings for Brian until about, maybe if I even stretch it, I would say last
Christmas." Nick explained.
"No way dude. It was way before then." Ewan said. "I could remember
when we'd hang out, I'd catch you staring at Brian, or sometimes I'd catch
you stealing a quick glance here and there. You'd always hang around him,
at every possible moment. Also, when you weren't with him, you'd always be
talking about him non-stop. It was always 'Brian this,' and 'Brian that.'
I didn't think much of it, but now that you tell me you're in love with him,
I can see it." Ewan explained.
Nick thought about what Ewan had said, and didn't realize he was being
so obvious about his love for Brian. He wondered if the others had noticed
also.
"You think the other guys know?" Nick asked, starting to feel his
panic return.
"Naw, I doubt it. They ain't as smart as I is." Ewan joked, as Nick
slapped his arm playfully.
"I'm serious Ewe. I don't think I'm ready for them to know yet."
Nick said seriously.
"Seriously Nick, I doubt they know. If they had, they would've said
something by now, or at least Bri would've mentioned something to me when he
asked me to come see you." Ewan explained. "If you wanna keep it to
yourself for now, you just gotta be careful."
Nick was relieved at Ewan's explanation. He knew he wasn't ready to
tell the others yet. He'd do that when the time was right.
"Did Brian really ask you to come here just for me?" Nick asked.
Ewan nodded his response, and noticed a huge grin appear on Nick's face.
"Boy, you really do have it bad, Nick. I've never seen anyone in love
as bad as you. You're like a giddy schoolgirl. I bet you probably want to
go skipping up and down the hall right now." Ewan said, as the mental image
of Nick skipping down the hallway popped into his head. "You know...you
could get away with skipping down the hall now, cause you're...you
know...gay!!! It's allowed. Actually, I think it's encouraged." Ewan
joked.
Nick sat up straight, looked at Ewan, and without warning, lunged at
him. They were engaged in a wrestling match, as their laughter filled the
room. When they settled down, Nick was laying back on the bed, looking up
at the ceiling. As much fun as he was having with Ewan, he still had a
problem. He was finally able to tell someone he was gay, but there was
still Brian. That part of his troubles was still left unsolved. He lay
there in silence, thinking about what he needed to do.
Ewan noticed the silence that fell upon the room. He propped himself
back up on his elbow, and looked at Nick. The smile on his face had somehow
escaped in the short time they were silent. His eyes told Ewan that he was
deep in thought, no doubt thinking about Brian. Ewan knew that he had no
problem with Nick being gay, but knew Nick faced a greater obstacle, loving
Brian. He knew it was tough for Nick to love his best friend. On top of
that, neither of them knew if Brian was gay, and even if he was, neither of
them knew if he was willing to return Nick's feelings. As of right now,
Ewan thought, he had two strikes against him, and it didn't look good. Ewan
knew Brian cared for Nick, but did he care for him in that way?
"So, what now?" Ewan quietly asked.
"I don't know. I keep asking myself the same question." Nick
responded. "I've thought about this so many times, but I still end up in
the same place. I love him so much, Ewan. I don't want to lose him." Nick
said, feeling his voice crack with emotion.
"I can tell that you really love him." Ewan said. "But I don't think
you have to worry about losing him. You don't give Brian enough credit.
He's a good friend, and even if he doesn't feel the same way, I think he'll
still be your Frick."
"Yeah. I know." Nick said, not wanting to say what he was thinking,
but knowing he had to, since he and Ewan had already laid all of the cards
down on the table. "I just don't think I can take him rejecting me. It'll
kill me to have to be with him, and see him all of the time, knowing he
doesn't love me they way I love him." Nick explained.
"What do you think you're doing now?" Ewan asked. "You won't say
anything to him. You're already placing rejection on yourself. I don't
think you're gonna feel any better until you know for sure. Are you
prepared to live the rest of your life not knowing how Brian really feels?"
"If it saves me from total rejection...then yes. I can't risk it,
Ewan. Him being my friend is so important to me. I'd rather have Brian in
my life, as a friend, than not have him at all."
Ewan thought for a minute, reflecting on Nick's words. "See. You and
Brian both have the same problem. You're always thinking of other people
before you think of yourself. You're ready to live your life in misery,
just to keep him in your life. You don't even know for sure that he's gonna
stop being your friend if you tell him. If he's a real friend, he'll still
be there, even after you tell him how you feel." Ewan explained. "You've
got to think of yourself too, Nicky. I know it sounds selfish, but you have
to look out for your happiness before others."
"Yes, he may reject you in the end," Ewan continued, "but at least you
know you gave it a shot. You'd have told him, you'd have been honest, and
in return you'd know how he feels. Even if he doesn't love you in that way,
you'd get an answer, and you'd move on. It's not fair for you to torture
yourself like this. If you don't tell him, you'd just be livin' in misery,
and on top of it, lying to Brian."
"I know." Nick said sheepishly. "But I can't lose him."
"So what," Ewan said irately, "are you planning on avoiding him for
the rest of your career, and your life, possibly leading to the end of your
friendship anyway? If that's your plan, then you might as well save
yourself the trouble and tell him already."
"What, so you're saying I should tell him?" Nick asked.
"I'm not gonna make your decision for you, Nick. When you're ready,
you've gotta make that decision yourself. I'm just here to help you see all
of the sides." Ewan explained, because he was never one to directly tell
people how to lead their lives. He got enough of that from his parents, to
know not to do it with his friends.
"So what do I do?" Nick pleaded with Ewan. He stood up, and walked
over to the balcony. Nick was looking out at the setting sun. He hadn't
realized they had been talking for so long.
"You know I'm not one to give advice, Nick, but there's one thing that
I do know. First, you have to stop pushing everyone away, especially
Brian." Ewan said. "You're only causing them to worry about you, and
frankly I can't blame them."
"I can't." Nick quietly responded. Ewan was having trouble hearing
Nick speak, and noticed the signs that he might break down at any moment, so
he stood up, and walked to where Nick was standing.
"Why not? Why can't you stop pushing them away?" Ewan asked.
"Cause I'm afraid they'll find out. I don't want them to know yet.
I'm not ready to deal with that. I don't want them to know about me, and I
don't want them to know how I feel about Brian, especially Brian. I'm
afraid I'll do, or say something that...I don't know...you know what I
mean?" Nick asked, at a loss for words.
"I can't be around Brian. Every time I'm around him, especially when
we're alone, I can't help the way I feel. It's like all of these emotions I
have inside, swells and multiplies when I'm around him. I'm afraid of what
I'll do. I'm afraid that I'll do something stupid, and that I'll lose
him...forever." Nick said, choking on his words, as tears started to flow
from his eyes.
Ewan saw, and felt the pain Nick was feeling. His heart went out to
his friend. This wasn't an easy situation he was in. To top it off, he
didn't ask to be put into it. One day, he just found himself feeling this
way, and by then it was too late. Nick never asked for any of this, yet he
was now in the center if it all. Ewan knew Nick had never gone through
anything like this before, and it seemed too much for his young friend. In
a matter of months, he's had to deal with so many emotions. Ewan could
remember how hard and awkward his teenage years were, and assumed it was
just the same for Nick, if not worse. In such a short time, he's had to
deal with stardom, a demanding singing career, his sexuality, and now
falling in love with his best friend. Ewan knew Nick counted on his advice,
but he also knew Nick had to make his own decisions.
"Do you love Brian?" Ewan asked.
"What? Isn't that what we've been talking about all this time?
Weren't you listening to me?" Nick asked irately.
"I was. Let me finish. So you say you love him, right?" Ewan asked,
as Nick nodded yes. "Would you hurt someone you love?"
"Of course not!!!" Nick answered almost immediately. "That's such a
stupid question. How could you even ask me that?"
"Just listen." Ewan said, leading Nick outside, onto the balcony. He
pulled out his pack of cigarettes, and offered one to Nick, who gladly took
one. He lit his cigarette, and Nicks. "Think back to a few months ago, or
even if you want to, think back to last summer when I was still on tour with
you guys." Ewan said to Nick. "How often did you and Brian hang out?"
"You know the answer to that. You were there. If the three of us
weren't hanging out, I was either with you, or just Brian." Nick explained.
"That's how we got into so much trouble." Nick said, and let out a small
laugh as he thought about all of the good times they spent with each other.
Ewan saw the smile on Nick's face, and couldn't help but let one form
on his face too. He loved seeing Nick happy, which was why he was so
determined to help him.
"Okay, now since I left, and especially most recently, how often do
you and Brian hang out?" Ewan asked.
Nick thought about the question. When he realized what Ewan was
trying to get him to understand, the smile faded from his face. "We were
together all day yesterday. We had some publicity stuff to do, and we went
to lunch, before we had the concert." Nick answered somberly; knowing that
wasn't the answer Ewan was looking for.
"Nick, you know what I mean. When was the last time you spent "time"
with him? Free time, outside of concerts, or signings, or appearances."
Ewan asked.
"I told you. We had lunch together, yesterday." Nick answered
defensively.
"Did you want to go, or did Brian force you?" Ewan asked, as if he
could read Nick's mind.
Nick didn't answer his question, because he knew what Ewan was getting
at, and what he wanted to hear. Nick knew he was in the wrong. Ewan
noticed the silence Nick fell into. He knew Nick could now understand what
he was trying to say. Instead of letting him stir for a while, Ewan decided
to finish making his point.
"Now look at it this way. What if out of the blue, you and Brian are
hanging out, being best friends, and then all of a sudden he starts to avoid
you to the point where you just pass each other and say 'Hi.' How would you
feel?" Ewan asked.
"I don't just pass him by and say 'Hi.'" Nick answered defensively.
"I know that, but if you continue to push him away like this, it WILL
get to that point. You could end up losing his friendship." Ewan
emphasized to Nick.
Nick thought about what Ewan was saying, and as much as he didn't want
to admit it, he knew he was right. He thought about how it would kill him,
if that did happen to his friendship with Brian. Nick knew he was causing
the rift. He didn't know what to do because he was still afraid of what he
might say or do, to Brian, since he was in love with him. Either way, Nick
knew he was screwed. His back was up against the wall. He thought about
everything, and felt the despair return. He tried hard not to let his
emotions get the best of him, but just thinking about losing Brian was
enough to start Nick crying. He turned his face away from Ewan, as his
tears started to fall again. As much as he tried to stop them, they were
too powerful to be stopped.
Ewan noticed Nick turn away, and knew he was crying again. He walked
behind Nick, and tried to turn him around. Nick wouldn't budge at first,
but after some prodding, Ewan was able to turn him around. He pulled him
into his arms, as Nick let his tears flow freely. Ewan felt Nick's head on
his shoulder, as he started shaking.
"Nick, you've got to remember that your feelings can't get in the way
of your friendship with Brian. This is your baggage. I can only imagine
how hard it is to hide this from him, but you've got to push those feelings
aside, because your friendship comes first. This is your baggage, Nick, not
his. Don't punish him for what you're feeling inside." Ewan explained to
Nick, who was silent and still crying in his arms.
"He really cares for you too, Nick. Why do you think he asked me to
come here? He wanted me to try and talk to you, to try and help you out.
He loves you too much as a friend, to lose you, but you've got to stop
punishing him."
When Ewan said those words, they struck a cord in Nick, and set him
into another round of crying.
"He's hurting right now, Nick, and you're the only one who could stop
him from feeling that way. Until you're ready, you have to put your
emotions aside, and go back to him...go back to everyone. They miss you...I
miss you." Ewan said, starting to get emotional himself. He moved Nick
back over to the bed, and sat him down. After a few minutes, Nick was able
to calm down.
"I'm so sorry." Nick said.
"You've got to stop apologizing, Nick. There's nothing for you to be
sorry about. You can't help the way you feel, and you dealt with it the
best way you knew how. You've gotta stop blaming yourself."
"Thanks." Nick said feebly. "I guess I got caught up in my own
feelings. I can't believe I didn't think of how Brian was feeling, and how
the others were feeling too. I'm just so scared, Ewan. I've never felt
like this before. It feels so right to me to tell Brian that I love him,
but it may not be right for him. I don't want to lose him, but if I don't
tell him, I feel like I'm gonna die inside."
"Well, I can't help you there. That's for you to work out. When
you're ready though, I'll be there for you. I'm not leaving." Ewan said
with a smile, stretching his hand out to hold Nicks. "I'll be there every
step of the way. When you're ready to tell the others about you being gay,
I'll be there, and when you're ready to tell Brian how you feel, I'll be
there...I promise.
"Just remember, for now you don't have to tell anyone anything.
You'll tell them when you're ready, but you've got to stop pushing them
away. Remember, they're your family too, and they need you just as much as
you need them." Ewan explained.
"Thanks." Nick said, pulling Ewan into another hug. "Thanks."
"No prob. That's what I'm here for, bro." Ewan answered back.
Just as Ewan was comforting Nick, the telephone rang, interrupting the
solemnity of the moment. Ewan looked around the room, and hadn't realized
how dark it had gotten. They had been talking for a long time now, and
never noticed the night set in. He stumbled around the room, trying to look
for the telephone. He followed the ringing sound, and ultimately found what
he was looking for. He picked up the receiver, and put it up to his ear.
"John's pizza, home of the best Pizza in Brooklyn." Ewan said into
the telephone, with a fake Italian accent.
"Ewan?" He heard the voice on the other line ask.
"Yeah. What's up Bri?" Ewan said, as he looked over to Nick, who was
looking back at him.
"I was gonna ask you the same thing. You guys have been in there the
whole day. Is it going well?" Brian asked.
"Yeah. I guess you could say that. He hasn't killed me yet, if
that's what you're asking." Ewan joked.
"That's good. I was getting worried for a sec. You'll tell me all
about it later?" Brian asked.
"As much as I can." Ewan answered.
"Cool. Oh, before I forget, Kevin asked me to call to see if you guys
wanted to go to dinner."
"Hold on a sec." Ewan said, as he covered the mouthpiece, to talk to
Nick.
"They want to know if we want to go to dinner with them." Ewan asked.
"Naw, I don't think I'm up for it." Nick answered immediately,
because it had become second nature to him.
Ewan looked at Nick, and then returned to his conversation with Brian.
"Hey Bri, tell Kevin we'll be there." Ewan answered.
"Cool. We're meeting in an hour in his room."
"Alright. Are you in your room right now?"
"Yeah." Brian answered.
"I'll be over in a bit to take a shower." Ewan said to Brian.
"Alright, I'll wait for you then."
"K, check ya later." Ewan said as he hung up the phone.
"Why'd you do that for? I said I didn't want to go." Nick said
irritably to Ewan.
"What did we just talk about? You've gotta get back into hanging
with the guys. You say you don't wanna go now, but I know you'll have fun
tonight. Besides, I'll be there." Ewan said, as he flashed his smile at
Nick. "I could go as your date." Ewan joked.
Nick thought about what Ewan said, and finally got the joke. A smile
formed on his face, as he took a pillow from the bed, and threw it at Ewan.
"That's not funny!!!" Nick said.
"Aw, c'mon Nick. What does Brian have that I don't? It's because
he's a BackDoor boy isn't it?" Ewan joked as he threw the pillow back at
Nick, who ducked just in time to miss it.
"You're nothing compared to Brian Thomas Littrell." Nick said as he
held his hand to his heart, and fluttered his eyelashes.
"Whatever. I'm more of a man than that short, little, blonde, freak
you're in love with." Ewan joked.
"Hey!!!" Nick said. "He's not a freak...he's just special!!!" Nick
said as he jumped onto the bed to attack Ewan. He saw Nick's impending
attack and moved out of the way. He ran towards the door to get away from
him.
"What??? You come out to me, and you think you can jump my bones??? I
don't think so." Ewan said as he reached the door, and opened it.
"You BASTARD!!!" Nick yelled from inside the room. Ewan just smiled,
and took a bow, as he stepped into the hallway.
"I'll be back in forty-five minutes. You better be dressed!!!" Ewan
yelled, as he started to run towards Brian's door, so that Nick couldn't get
a chance to retaliate. He heard Nick's door slam shut, as he reached
Brian's door, and knocked. He was laughing, and out of breath, when Brian
opened the door. Ewan was trying to catch his breath, as he walked into the
room.
"I take it things went well?" Brian asked.
"Yeah. I think they did." Ewan said, to Brian's amazement.
******************************************************************************
So, what did you think? What do you think so far? I know this one was
kinda tame, but things needed to be said. Not really any new
revelations...I'm saving them for the next few chapters. <grin> Yet again,
where's Howie???
I wanna hear from all of ya reading this. I'm kinda curious as to
where you think the story is going, or where you'd like it to go. Or if you
hate the story.
Thank You to all of you who wrote me. I love hearing from you guys
and gals, and can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter. Like I
said, I am an avid reader of the nifty archive but never wrote any of the
authors. Now that I've converted I've actually begun a dialogue with some
of my favorite authors. And they're really cool!!! Hi guys!!!
Thanks You's:
To Justin...the man who fuels my dreams, and the only guy who really
knows how to keep me in line...<wink>
Just wanna give a special shout out to a certain someone in SJ who
likes to wear shorts for not gagging. He's a great author and a great
friend. Although he's evil...Check his story "Not Meant to Be" out.
Special mention to Drew for your comments and criticisms, especially
the criticisms you make me a better writer!!! Also, Drew's writing his own
story guys!!! It's a really great story, and yall should look out for it
when it comes out...no pun intended. I'll give you guys the title when he
figures it out ;)!!!
Shout out to Carter who has his own story out on Nifty. It's called
"Open Arms." Check it out!!!
Lucas Out...till next time!!!
rtstories@hotmail.com