Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2001 08:42:13 -0500
From: <thumper1561@hotmail.com>
Subject: ...Being Lonely Chapter Two (Gay) (AJ/Kevin)

Hi Everyone! This is my second attempt at a story. If you enjoy it, my
other story is called 'Whispering Your Name'. It is a *NSYNC tale. I hope
you enjoy both.

Please send me an email and let me know what you
think. Email at thumper1561@hotmail.com.

Legal Stuff

This story is fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true
sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about
their private lives.

I do not know the true sexuality of any of the Backstreet Boys or any other
celebrities mentioned in this story. If you are offended by homosexual
material, then, this story isn't for you. And what in the world are you
doing here in the first place!!!!!!!


Chapter Two
...Being Lonely

        AJ had completed his first week in rehab and was 'rewarded' by
getting telephone privileges. Since there was no one he wanted to speak to,
he was less than thrilled at the news. When he looked in the mirror though,
he did notice the difference. His eyes were less glazed over than before
and the circles under his eyes were going away. He was moving with less
effort and he didn't protest when Nurse Danny took him to the gym for a
workout. After showering, he felt almost human. He was even beginning to be
able to look at food without retching. He was pretty sure another patient
had tried to hit on him, not the most attractive character, but still it
boosted his ego a bit. The dark cloud around this silver lining for AJ was
that Alex was stirring. Goody two-shoes Alex with his dreams of love and a
family and a home, AJ could spit. He glanced at the clock and saw he was
late for his session.
        Doctor Goldman was on the phone. "Yes Kevin, I understand your
impatience but as I told you yesterday, seeing you must be in the best
interest of my patient.  Yes, yes, I will tell him."
        The door opened and AJ swung in. The doctor noticed the
improvements in AJ's appearance and mood. "What's up Doc?"
        "Mr. Richardson called again this morning. He seems very determined
to see you." The doctor observed AJ's reaction closely.
        "No interest.", he answered breezily.
        "What does Alex say?", the doctor shot back.
        "Look Doc, I don't know if you're trying to imply that I'm schizo
or got some kinda 'Sybil' thing goin' on here, but if so, you're the crazy
one!"
        "I'm not implying anything of the sort, although it's interesting
that you jump to that conclusion."
        AJ hesitated. "I'm not some wacko."
        "I didn't say you were."
        "Then what did you say?"
        The doctor leaned back. "It's my job to observe. One thing I have
observed about you is that AJ and Alex have different characteristics. AJ
and Alex walk differently, talk differently, sit differently, they even
breathe differently. AJ is brash, in-your-face, and frequently out to be
annoying." AJ grinned. "Alex is quiet, polite, and very subdued."
        "So, you do think I'm 'Sybil'."
        "No, I think AJ is a character, a front that Alex is putting
forward. It's not deep- seated enough to be an actual separate
personality."
        AJ mulled this over for a bit.
        "Why did you come here?"
        "To get off the booze and pills."
        "Yes, but that's hardly what AJ would want, is it? AJ loves to
party and the booze and pills go hand-in-hand with that."
        AJ was getting a bit defensive. "It was interfering with my voice.
It was hurting my career."
        "True, but I can't see AJ being devastated by that. After all, if
you were done with your career, that would only leave more time for
partying, right?"
        "I couldn't take it anymore.", whispered Alex.
        The doctor examined his patient's changed demeanor. "So Alex, what
do you feel about Mr.  Richardson's determination to see you?"
        "I can't."
        "Why not?"
        "Because."
        The doctor lifted his eyebrows delicately.
        "Because, I..." AJ stiffened up. Because he's got no business being
here."
        The doctor noted the shift. "Would you mind if I spoke to Mr.
Richardson?"
        "No skin off my nose."
        The doctor wrapped up the session and ordered his nurse to place a
call to the hotel where Kevin Richardson was staying.
        In the safety of his room, Alex grabbed a pillow and hugged it
close. His heart was pounding. He hadn't admitted his feelings for Kevin in
very long time.  Saying it out loud would make it real. He was filled with
a longing for the past. The scent of the orange blossoms from Kevin's
flowers invaded his senses. It brought back the feeling of Kevin's arms
around him, his wonderful scent after they made love, those long,
surprisingly delicate fingers stroking his face and chest. AJ found himself
with his first woodie in several months. He wanted to be made love to. He
wanted to feel Kevin inside him again. Then reality came crashing back
down, he never would. AJ refused to cry. 'I'll never let them see how much
it hurts.', he had vowed when Kevin had dumped him. He wasn't ready to
break that promise now.

        Kevin had raced to the facility upon getting the doctor's message.
After an impatient wait of twenty minutes, he was ushered into the doctor's
office.
        "Welcome." Dr. Goldman was aware again of the tautness of Kevin's
presence. He looked as if you could shatter him with a touch.
        Kevin looked around. "Where's Alex?"
        "Excellent question. I'm hoping you can help me find him.", the
doctor smiled.
        "I don't understand. Has he run away?"
        "No, no. Perhaps if you'd sit down."
        Kevin took a low-slung chair. It was clearly an awkward fit for his
long legs.
        The doctor cleared his throat. "So that you understand, AJ has
agreed to let me speak to you. I can't violate doctor/client privilege but
I can share some general information about his recovery. In return, I'm
hoping you'll be able to answer some questions for me."
        Kevin nodded. "Fine."
        Dr. Goldman took out a fresh yellow pad. "First off, let me assure
you that AJ's drying out process is almost complete. He had a very rough
few days but he's turned the corner. He's keeping down solid food, which is
crucial, and the physical symptoms are mostly gone."
        Kevin brightened. "That's great."
        "Yes, but the physical is only a part of what we need to heal here.
And not always the most important part. AJ's drug and alcohol abuse are
only a symptom. We need to find out what is causing him to turn to drugs
and alcohol. He's been self-medicating a severely depressed state. I'd like
you to help me fill in some background."
        Kevin considered. "Well, his family life was none too stable.."
        Dr. Goldman stopped him with his hand. "I'll discuss his family
life with the mother when she visits. I'm interested in your connection to
Alex."
        Kevin braced himself. "What has Alex told you?"
        "Very little. That's why we're here."
        Kevin seemed to retreat inside himself for a moment, then held his
head up. "We were lovers."
        The doctor nodded.
        "It started in Europe, on a tour. We were thrown together
constantly. We roomed together. He was the closest person in the world to
me. One night we were alone on a street in Amsterdam. Two guys walked by
holding hands and kissed. They seemed so happy. We looked at each
other...and kissed."  The memory still held both magic and pain for
Kevin. "We didn't tell the others. We didn't tell anyone. It was a secret
world we shared together." Kevin stared at the doctor. "I was never
happier."
        "Then what happened?"
        "Brian, my cousin who's in the band, found out about us. He comes
from a real fundamentalist family. Homosexuals are sinners, damned to hell,
that sort of thing. He started in on me. He threatened to tell my
family. Then he told our manager at the time, Lou. He freaked that if the
press found out, our careers would be over before they even began." Kevin
asked for a glass of water. "I guess I chickened out. Everyone and
everything seemed against us. I started spending less time with Alex. I
know...I hurt him. We started fighting...I guess I picked most of the
fights to keep us apart. Then I met Kristin.  She was beautiful and seemed
sweet and she was everything I was told I was supposed to want. The more I
pushed Alex away, the wilder and wilder he got. He started flaunting it in
my face, telling me about what and who did. Roadies, groupies, other acts
that were traveling with us, I hated it. I hated him, I thought. I couldn't
even be alone in a room with him. It was like we couldn't stop hurting each
other.  It drove me even further away from him and toward Kristin. The
night he told me he had slept with three porn stars was the night I
proposed to Kristin. We've been married a little over a year and I knew
watching her come up the aisle, it was the biggest mistake I had ever
made."  Kevin dropped his head in his hands. "I saw his face. I destroyed
him. His drinking and coke use just blew up. I wanted to reach out to him
but I couldn't. It was too late. The saddest thing is that I love him now
more than ever, and I made it impossible for us to be together."
         Dr. Goldman let him gather himself before proceeding. "Both of you
may share responsibility Kevin.  However, right now our concern is for
Alex's recovery."
         "Of course." Kevin wiped his cheeks. He had shed a few tears
during his confession.
         "I think you and Alex need to make peace. Alex must come to grips
with this relationship if he is to move forward. Correct me if I am wrong,
but your careers are intertwined. You will be a a part of each other's
lives forever."
         "For a long time, yes."
         "Then, if he is to remain sober and stay in the band, he must
reconcile this relationship."
         "I'll do anything."
         "Good. The first thing you must do is decide what YOU want the
relationship to be."
         Kevin was taken aback. "I'm married now..."
         "And you've never heard of divorce?"
         "We lost what we had."
         "Yes you did, but I just heard you say that you knew your marriage
was a mistake and that you loved him more than ever. I can't tell you what
to do or what choices are right for your life, but I would strongly suggest
you think about what you said. If you want Alex back in your life, it might
be possible eventually, but I say this emphatically, it can only be if you
are committed to it. Doing otherwise would only cause him more damage and
lead to further problems."
         Kevin looked lost.
         Dr. Goldman stood. "You've been most helpful, Mr. Richardson. I
suggest that you take a week by yourself to decide what you really want
then return here. Perhaps then, Alex will be ready to see you."
         Kevin thanked the doctor and left in a daze. He had believed that
his life with Alex was over but now...

         AJ headed for group in his usual sullen mood. He took his seat in
the circle and slouched as low as he dared without falling off
completely. He glanced around the room and saw an interesting face.  The
guy was in his mid-to-late twenties with dark hair, brown eyes, and as AJ's
eyes traveled south, a killer body. He was wearing a tight white tee and
jeans, pretty standard uniform here but on him it looked particularly
sexy. AJ straightened up a bit and tried to catch the guy's eye but he was
staring intently at his shoe laces. As the group made their
self-introductions, AJ kept an eye peeled. "I'm Richard...and I'm an
alcoholic." Polite applause, then silence as the newcomer clearly wasn't
going to share more. The group leader began the discussion but AJ focused
his attention on Richard. Richard paid close attention to all the speakers
but didn't share himself. After group finished, AJ wandered in Richard's
direction.
         "Hey."
         "Hey."
         "I'm AJ."
         "I'm Richard."
         AJ waited, even here in group they knew he was a Backstreet Boy.
Patients were always curious about celebrities. Richard nodded, smiled and
left the room. A furious AJ could feel all his prima donna instincts being
ignited. "I WILL NOT BE IGNORED.' he thought grimly as he followed Richard
out of the room.
         He caught up with him in the hall. "So, new here?"
         Richard stopped and answered politely. "Yes, I checked in three
days ago."
         AJ pulled a face. "Man, those first few days are killers. I was
dead to the world. How are you doin'?"
         "I haven't thrown up since breakfast, so I guess that's progress."
         AJ laughed. "Abso-fuckin'-lutely."
         Richard smiled and turned to head to his room.
         "What's the hurry?"
         Richard stopped again. "No hurry, I just want to lay down. I'm
pretty tired."
         "I hear that. Tell you what though, this place has a beautiful
view from the terraces. They've got chairs and those lay-out things. Trust
me, the fresh air does you good."
         Richard considered it for a moment. "Sounds good. Lead the way."
         AJ smothered what the other 'Boys' referred to as his 'shit-eating
grin' and walked Richard out to the terrace. They settled on a couple of
lawn chairs and AJ began his patter. "So, what do you do in the real
world?"
         "I'm a teacher. I teach at a school for the deaf."
         "That's cool. I'm a singer."
         "That must be fun."
         "Sometimes." AJ waited for a follow-up question but none was
forthcoming. "So, how did you end up here?"
         Richard shaded his eyes. "I'm still trying to figure out that one
myself. How about you?"
         "Needed to clean up from the road." AJ was sure this would be the
opener, but Richard ignored it.
         "I guess I'm here because of someone I met."
         "Huh?" AJ, trying to figure out his next move hadn't been paying
attention.
         "I'm here because of someone I met. I was in a pretty bad
relationship and...well...after it was over and I tried to figure out why I
stayed in it so long, I realized that being drunk most of the time had
helped. So after I got out of the hospital, I came here."
         "Hospital?"
         "I had three broken ribs, two black eyes, and a fractured wrist.
Maybe you could sing it for me."
         Alex looked at him closely. "I'm sorry."
         "You didn't do anything."
         "No." Alex hesitated for a minute. He hated discussing his
childhood. "My mom was with a guy once.  He used to beat her up. I was real
little and couldn't stop him. When I tried, he'd beat me too."
         Richard said softly, "It wasn't your fault."
         "I know, but whenever I hear...about shit like that, I just
remember, that's all."
         "Say AJ..."
         "Call me Alex."
         "Okay, Alex, how's your mom these days?"
         "Better, we got some money now and she doesn't have to depend on
anyone but me ever again."
         "Good. Thanks for showing me this place. I was feeling pretty out
of it in there."
         "You're welcome."
         Richard closed his eyes. "I think I'll take a nap. You're good guy
Alex."
         Alex sat watch over his new friend. He hadn't been a good guy in a
long time.

         Brian understood his cousin was miserable in his marriage. It had
been painfully obvious the few times he and Leighanne had spent with them
that Kevin and Kristin had little real rapport. So, it wasn't a total shock
to him when Kristin called him with the news that Kevin had flown to AJ's
rehab center. He had invited her over and sympathized with her but hadn't
enlightened her to the real reason why Kevin would desert his wife to
follow AJ. Brian was uncomfortable with Kevin's "issues" as he liked to
refer to his cousin's bisexuality. The fact that Kevin could function as a
"normal" man with Kristin proved to Brian that the relationship with AJ had
just been a phase. After all, everyone was human, everyone made mistakes,
what was important was to fit into the mold in which he had been raised. He
had had "experiences" of his own in the past. That was where they belonged,
in the past. He encouraged Kristin to be patient and sent her off with
Leighanne. He sighed to himself because he knew it was his duty to bring
Kevin back to the path of the "straight and narrow", a self-appointed duty
to be sure, but one he wasn't about to shirk. He began checking into
flights.

         When Richard woke up, he found Alex had covered him with a
blanket.  As he fingered it, he heard Alex tell him, "It gets surprisingly
chilly here when the sun sets." Richard nodded and stretched. His tee shirt
rode up and revealed a dusting of black hair around his belly button and a
sexy "treasure trail" that disappeared into his jeans. Alex looked
away."Are you hungry?"
         Richard contemplated his stomach for a moment. "I don't think I
better."
         Alex shook his head in sympathy, "I've been there, but they have
some killer grape Jell-o if you get to the hall early enough." He
grinned. "It almost tastes real."
         Richard laughed, "Sounds acceptable. Maybe I'll try it."
         Alex led him to the dining hall. They picked up trays and Alex
grabbed the last grape Jell-o for Richard. "Thanks man."
         "No problem."
         As they ate, Richard looked at Alex. "You said you were a singer,
right?"
         "Yeah."
         "What do you sing?"
         Alex considered the question for a moment. "I love the musical
theatre. I love Broadway, the old Hollywood musicals, all that shit."
         "Have you ever been on Broadway?"
         "Nah, never made it that far."
         "Yet.", said Richard.
         "Yet.", agreed Alex with a smile.
         "Maybe I could hear you sing sometime?"
         "Maybe."
         "What, do I have to stand on my head or something?"
         Alex's smile widened, "Or something."
         Richard finished his Jell-o and leaned back in his chair. "Or
something, indeed."


TBC...

Please e-mail any feedback, good or bad to thumper1561@hotmail.com