Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 23:03:05 -0500
From: Scotty T <thepoetboy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Beneath It All 11

This is the second last instalment of Beneath It All.  After this story,
you won't hear anything from me for a month or two as I prepare my 4th and
final story for the Nifty Archive, though after the pauses between BIA
instalments, you'll barely notice I'm gone. :)

I don't know the BSBs, and I make no claims about their sexualities,
personalities, or general levels of niceness.  I'm a fan of the group, and
I'm against none of them.  I'm sorry Brian's character has gotten the
treatment it got, but that's how the story wrote itself.

Thanks to my BIA editor, DLS.  Thanks to all of you who've been reading.
And thanks to the BSBs for letting the fanfiction thrive.

And, thanks to Nifty.

And now, on with the show!


***

Part 11.

Nick buried his head in John's shoulder as the older man's arms wrapped
around him.  He dug himself as deeply in as he could, climbing into the
warmth of the hug.  This time, the embrace held no security, no comfort.

"It's okay, Nickie," John whispered.  "We knew we were going to have to be
apart."

"But not yet," Nick whispered, huskily.  His fingers clenched the fabric of
John's shirt.  He pulled his head back and wiped at his eyes with the back
of his hand, seeing those milky eyes watching him.  Oh, to be able to shut
out the world like that.  "Come with me."

A sad grin perched on John's lips.  "You heard them the vote was no."

"Screw Brian.  I want you there with me."

"I can't."

Nick nodded.  "You can.  We're getting a second bus anyway, so there'll be
space.  And I'll pay for your hotel rooms out of my own pocket if I have
to.
  I just want you there with me."

"Whoa," John said, pulling himself out of Nick's grasp.  "You're not
talking a couple of days anymore."

Nick's eyes were shut tight, forcing out all of the light of the kitchen.
"You could be famous, John.  You've got the talent."

"But I don't have the desire."  John turned away from Nick and reached out
for a kitchen chair.  He took a half step before finding one pushed away
from the table, where AJ had left it.  "I like my quiet life, Nick.  I like
the wide fields, the quiet evenings.  I like things slow."  He pulled the
chair around and carefully sat down.  "You've described your world for me,
and it's not one I can handle, or would want to."

"I'll be there to help you."  Nick knelt in front of John, pleading.
"We'll do it together."

"And where will I walk?  Here I can set out in any direction and I'm pretty
much safe.  I can't stroll out into traffic."  John's hands rested on his
thighs, in what looked like an unnatural way.  It just didn't look right,
but there was no way John could've known it.  One hand on each thigh,
running parallel to the bone.  "And what about Denny?  She's never seen a
city, Nick.  She wouldn't last a week before she got hit."

Nick put his own hands on John's.  "But I'll be there.  I'll watch out for
you and keep you safe.  I love you, John."

John shook his head.  "You don't want to sign your life away to play my
guardian, and I don't want to sign away mine to be guarded."

"We've got to try."  Nick could feel the tears in his eyes, and he knew
that he wasn't going to be able to last much longer.  "Please, John, for
me."

John swallowed hard and tightened the muscles of his face against the
quiver in his chin.  "We can't, Nick.  It's just not going to happen."

Nick stood up, pushing against John's hands to do it.  "Then why?  Why did
you let things go this far?"

He turned and ran towards the stairs, tears streaming down his face and
blurring the world.  He got half way up before he missed a step and fell
heavily, but he made no attempt to stand.  Laying there, he let the tears
take him as he clutched at his sore ribs.

John carefully climbed the stairs behind him, and knelt when he found Nick.
He lay a hand on the youth's back and gently rubbed up and down.

"Because," he said, "I think I love you too."

***

"What the hell was that?"  Kevin shifted into reverse and looked over his
shoulder as the car moved into the darkness.  The tires threw rocks against
the side of the converted barn.

Brian leaned forward to adjust a vent, throwing the cool air in his face.
"It would've looked weird."

"Bullshit."  The car skidded to a stop and Kevin rammed it into another
gear and they started forward.  The regular sound of rocks being tossed
against the underbelly of the car was, for once, irritating to Kevin's
ears.  "We've had more media focussed guests on tour than John and we've
had them for a lot longer than a couple of days."

They pulled to the end of the driveway and Kevin hit the brakes and slapped
at the turn signal.  He looked over to his cousin and saw Brian calmly
staring out the side window, so he put the car in park and turned off the
ignition.

Brian turned his head and curled his lip.  "Why're we stopping?"

Resting his hands on the bottom of the steering wheel, Kevin looked out the
front windshield.  In the distance he could see the glow of the city,
stealing the stars from the sky.  "I'm giving you the chance to decide what
you're going to say."

His cousin didn't reply.

***

"John doesn't want to go, dude."

"Yeah," AJ said, "because of Brian."  He leaned back against the iron
headboard.  Howie was tossing stuff from the dresser into the open suitcase
at AJ's feet.

"Whatever the reason, it's not going to happen."  Howie pushed the last
drawer closed and turned around.  "What if we try to clear a couple of days
later in the month and talk to Michael about reserving Nick a room?"

AJ laughed and stroked at his goatee.  "No dice.  I doubt Mikey's all that
cool with the idea of reuniting the lovebirds."

"He seems alright.  It's just taking him a while to relax.  You saw him in
the kitchen he was almost human til Brian showed."  Both of them laughed,
until they remembered the situation.

Howie stepped over to the bed, pulled the suitcase closed and zipped it.
He pulled the suitcase to the ground and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Nick needs him," AJ said, shaking his head.  "If he's gonna get back to
healthy, he needs all the support he can get."

"We can't kidnap him."

"No," AJ replied, "but maybe we can persuade him."

"And what about Brian?"

"Screw Brian.  He'll get over it.  It's not like he gave a good reason
anyway."

Howie shook his head.  "He didn't give his real reason."

"What?  You think Bible-boy's not okay with the homo-factor?"

Howie's eyebrows narrowed as he turned to face his friend.  "Still haven't
figured it out?"

"Figured what out?"

"Nick and Brian," Howie said with a small grin.  "Add them together and see
what you get."

AJ grinned in disbelief, searching Howie's face for the edge of the lie the
seam that revealed the illusion.  But then his face slowly changed, as old
information was put together in new ways.

"Oh shit."

***

Nick curled himself around Denny, resting his arm on her side and feeling
the coarseness of the rug printing itself into his skin.  She grumbled a
bit, but when he started to scratch her stomach, the complaints ceased.

He could hear John in the kitchen, washing the mugs.

Nick wanted to say so many things to the sleeping dog, but found that he
couldn't.  Somehow he knew she'd take care of John, whether or not she had
to be asked.  His one worry was her age.  Nick stroked at her belly, seeing
the white and beige fur mixing between his fingers.

John didn't want to be guarded, but he was.  And one day Denny wouldn't be
able to do it anymore.  One day, Michael will be out in the fields and
won't hear John's cries for help.

Nick buried his face in Denny's fur, breathing in the warm air that was
thick with the dog's scent.  It was amazing how calming that smell could
be, he thought, and how long he'd lived before finding it.

The old dog had adopted John as if they'd always been meant to be together.
And me, Nick thought, she adopted me pretty quickly too.  He stroked her
side, feeling her ribs under the loose fur.

Nick lay with his guardian and listened as John let the water drain out of
the sink.  Two defenders who'd given him more than he could have ever hoped
for when they'd driven up that driveway a few days back.

And then he thought of Howie, the one he'd brought with him.  The one who'd
always been there to deflect as many of the blows as he could.  Everyone
kind of overlooked Howie when they looked at the group, but Nick never
could.

And Brian.  Even after everything that happened, Nick couldn't place any
blame.  Until marriage became a keyword, Brian had always been there to
talk to about anything.  Never judging.

On those long nights before a show, in some hotel room in the middle of God
knows where, having someone beside you was a gift.  There was a long
stretch of those nights in the future, and no-one else in that bed.

Denny sneezed and looked back at Nick in what could only be embarrassment
for a moment before she licked her chops and lay back down.  Nick's mouth
curled into a smile.

***

Fog had spread across the windshield, making it even harder to see the
stars, but Kevin didn't move to clear the glass.  He tapped his hands
against the steering wheel to a song only he could hear, and he waited.

Brian reached over to turn the radio on, but Kevin pulled the keys out of
the ignition, so Brian crossed his arms on his chest and leaned his head
back on the headrest.

"There's really nothing to say," Brian said.

"Fine, then we'll just sleep here, if that's alright with you."

"I can walk back to the farmhouse and call a cab."

"If you want to explain why you need one to the guys."

Brian didn't move.  He simply sighed.  "You really don't want to hear
this."

"I really do," Kevin said, slipping the keys into the inner pocket of his
coat.

"Dammit, Kevin, people are waiting for us."

"Then talk fast."

***

They found John in the kitchen, drying the mugs and setting them in the
cabinet.  Howie noticed one mug that'd been left on the counter and he set
it in the empty sink.

"You guys packed?" John asked.

"Almost," AJ said as he hopped up onto the counter.

"I'll write you a cheque to refund you for the next few nights."

"No," Howie said, leaning against the counter beside AJ, "don't worry about
it.  It's not your fault we're leaving early."

John set the last of the clean mugs on the shelf and closed the cabinet
door.  "Then what's up, gents?"

Howie looked at AJ and then back at John.  "We want you to reconsider."

John turned around and flipped the tea towel onto his shoulder.
"Reconsider what?"

"Come with us."

With a smile and a shake of his head, John discarded the idea again.  "I
don't think it'd work."

AJ leaned forward to add his voice.  "He needs you, man.  He needs all the
support he can get right now.  I know you haven't seen him, but the kid's
not in good shape, and it's not going to be an easy recovery, especially
under media scrutiny."

"Scrutiny I'd just make worse."  John paused, and waited for a reply, but
none came.  "And I have seen him, AJ.  I know what bodies are supposed to
feel like, and how long someone should be able to walk before they start
breathing heavy."

"Then you know what we're talking about," AJ continued.  "None of us have
been able to get him to open up to us like you have.  I don't think he's
ready to face this alone."

John's face hardened and flushed.  He pulled the towel off his shoulder and
tucked it into the handle of the stove.  "If I thought for a minute that
you guys were going to let him face things alone, then I'd never consider
letting him out of this house.  But I know you won't let that happen, and I
know you're all going to try a lot harder to get into his world and to
listen to him."  He tilted his head, just a bit.  "Right?"

Howie cleared his throat.  "Of course we'll be there for him, but he's not
head over heels for us like he is for you."

John shook his head.  "Love isn't a cure, guys.  It doesn't heal anything
or lessen any pain.  All the old issues are still there, whether you want
to see them again.  I'm not going to act as a quick fix.  It's not fair to
me, or to him.  He deserves the world, and he's going to have to work to
get it.  If I was there, he'd focus on me."  John turned and started
towards the stairs, dragging his hand along the edge of the counter.  "Let
him focus on him, and make sure you take the time to do the same."

***

Nick squeezed Denny close to him, and the old dog didn't so much as growl
in reply.  He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and heard John's
words echo around his head.

>From the kitchen he heard movement, and then AJ's hushed voice.

"That could've gone better."

***

Brian stared at his cousin's profile.  "You're really not gonna want to
hear this."

Kevin didn't stop tapping his hands against the steering wheel.  "Try me,"
he said.

Sighing deeply, Brian pulled the zipper of his coat up to his neck against
the cold of the night.  He gave his cousin one last quick look.  "Nick
. . .  Nick and I have been a couple for about a year now."

The silence of the night deepened, or at least it seemed to.  Brian
couldn't even heard the wind against the side of the car.

"I mean, we haven't had sex or anything, and we haven't even called each
other boyfriends, but there's been a relationship there."

"A year?" Kevin asked, quietly.

Brian nodded.  "Yeah."

"You should've known better than to fuck with him.  He's just a kid."

"He's not a kid."  Brian said it with enough force to cause his cousin to
pause.

"Yeah, well maybe not, but he's not an adult either."  Kevin sighed.  "Does
Leighanne know?"

"No," Brian said, shaking his head.  "I tried to cut Nick out.  We kind of
broke up."

"You chose Leighanne?"

"Yeah."

"Nick's fragile, Bri.  You can't say stuff to him and not expect it to
hurt.
  You should've told me."  Kevin shook his head.  "I could've watched him.
Paid him a bit more attention."

They both sat and stared at the fog on the windshield for a few moments,
each wandering through their own thoughts.  Finally Kevin took a deep
breath.

"Is this why you voted against John?"

"Partly."

Kevin turned and levelled his darkest gaze on Brian, who noticeably shrank
beneath it.  "What else?"

Brian closed his eyes against the words, finding them too monstrous to
speak.  In all his years, after all he lessons he learned, he never thought
he'd find himself with such things to say.  And all the prayers in the
world couldn't take them away.

"After all this time with Leighanne, of having someone to be there for me,
I couldn't face the idea of being alone again out there.  I didn't want to
face it."

Kevin bit his tongue to wait the words out.

"I asked him to take me back."

"Fuck, Brian, is that what it was?  The jealous ex voted against the
replacement?"

Brian swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, and couldn't force his
reply past it.

"Dammit, Brian, when did you do it?"  Kevin stared in the dark, barely
being able to see any of the other man in what little starlight found its
way into the car.  "Is that why you two were upstairs when I came in
tonight?"

Brian nodded.

"Oh, fuck you, Brian.  Just fuck you."  Kevin wrestled the keys out of his
pocket and jabbed them into the ignition.  The car roared to life and Kevin
switched it into reverse.

Rocks flew as the car rapidly made its way back up the driveway, back
towards the house.

Brian started crying, still hearing his cousin whispering "fuck you" under
his breath as they moved.

***

Nick tapped gently on the door.

"Come on in," John called, from somewhere on the other side.

Nick pushed the door open and stepped into John's room.  John was sitting
on the edge of the bed, in jeans and a pajama top.  The bottoms were laying
beside him.

"What can I do for you, Nickie?"

"I know we have to go our separate ways tomorrow," Nick said softly, "but
for tonight, could I . . . can I stay in here with you?"

John smiled and nodded, holding his arms open and wrapping the boy in them.

***

End Part 11.