Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 01:33:44 -0500
From: Scotty T <thepoetboy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Beneath It All 12

We're at the end of another one.  I want to thank you for the time you've
given to these characters of mine, and to this story.  It's greatly
appreciated.  Keep in mind that I'm here, first and foremost, to learn, so
questions, comments and critiques are always welcome, any of which would be
the best gift you could ever give me.

This is the end of my 3rd Nifty story, and those of you who've been
following me remember that I promised 4 before I retire from the archive.
That 4th story is coming -- give me a month or two to stockpile a few
instalments, that way you're guaranteed less of a wait between parts.

But now to make my specific thanks.  To DLS, who acted as my editor
throughout this entire story, and who worked with me on the brainstorming
of it back when we'd planned it as a co-authoring venture.  Thanks to
DCKev, who may not be around anymore, but who gave me the idea for Nick's
character, even if he didn't know he was doing it.  To Taz, for redeeming
humanity without being forced into it.  To Dan, for dating me.  To David,
for posting me.  To my parents, for having sex in the late seventies.  To
my university, for going on strike for a heck of a long time, and then
making a deal at just the wrong time.  And to my socks, for keeping me
sane.

I'll see you all in a few months -- look for me. :)

And now, on with the show.

thepoetboy@hotmail.com

***

Part 12

Nick finished brushing his teeth and rinsed the brush clean.  He set it
back in his shaving kit before cupping is hands under the rush of the cold
water.  Bending down, he tipped the water from his hands into his mouth and
swished the last of the toothpaste away.

He spat into the sink and turned the tap off with his elbow before drying
his hands with the green towel from the bar behind him.

Taking one last look in the mirror, Nick smiled and flipped off the light.

***

AJ and Howie had the leftovers of the Chinese food spread out between them
on the kitchen table.  Howie had made sure to lay out a fork and knife for
AJ, but the chopsticks were still in play.

"Quit hogging the rice," AJ muttered.

Howie grinned.  "Like you could eat it anyway."

"I think I have another idea.  What if we kidnapped the dog?"  He looked
over to where Denny was sprawled by the door.  "John'd come after us to get
her back."

"You amaze me sometimes," Howie said drily.

"I know," AJ nodded.  "I'm a damn genius."  The chicken ball escaped his
chopsticks and sank into his dipping sauce.

***

John lay in the bed, listening for the sound of Nick coming back into the
room.  His arms were crossed under his head, and he couldn't keep from
smiling.  Tomorrow he'd have more than enough reason to frown, but tonight
was about smiles.

He heard the door open.

"Ready for bed, Nickie?"

"Yeah."  His voice betrayed the smile on his face.

***

Kevin braked hard, put the car in park and turned off the ignition.  He
popped the locks and undid his belt.

"Come on.  We're going in."

Brian blinked but made no move to get out of the car, so after Kevin opened
his own door, he reached over and undid his cousin's seatbelt.  He then got
out of the car and slammed the driver's side door and marched towards the
house.

When he got to the front porch, he heard the other car door close.

***

Nick's eyes flashed open.  He hadn't even started to doze off, though he
wanted to.  He had no doubt that lying there on his side, with John's arms
around him, would have been the most comfortable sleep of his life, and he
wanted nothing more than to remember that on this night, someone was there
to hold him as he slept.

"Did you hear that?" he asked.

John released him and rolled onto his back.  "Yeah, we've got visitors," he
sighed as he climbed out of the bed.

***

Howie left his fork in the fried rice when he heard the car door slam.  His
hand was on the lock just as the knock came.

He turned to AJ, who just shrugged, so he unlocked the door and pulled it
open.

There was a hurricane raging in Kevin's eyes.  It was out of place in the
calmness of the night.  The cold air that came rushing in the door was
accompanied by the soft rustling of dried grass in the fields.

"What's up?" Howie asked.

Kevin stepped past him and ignored the question.  "Where's Nick?"

***

Nick met up with Michael on the stairs.  Michael was still tying the belt
of his bathrobe and looking tired.  John was already in the kitchen.

Michael simply nodded at Nick before moving down the stairs.

***

"He's gone to bed already."  Howie stepped between Kevin and the stairs,
even though they could all hear people on the back stairs.  "What do you
want?"

He then saw Brian slink up onto the porch, caught in the hall light as it
fell through the front door.  Brian's face was low and his hands were
thrust into his pockets, like some eight year old about to face a parent's
wrath.

"Oh," Howie said.  He turned back to Kevin.  "He'll be in the kitchen."

Kevin stepped past him, but stopped when he saw John standing in the
kitchen doorway.

"I've got to talk to Nick," Kevin said, carefully controlling his voice.

John tilted his head.  "What's going on?"  He could feel his brother step
up behind him, and knew Nick was just another step behind.

"Group business."

John crossed his arms on his chest.  "Talk."

He felt his brother's hand on his shoulder, and read it as another request
for John to mind his own business, but with a shrug the hand fell away.
Kevin hadn't moved, though John wasn't quite sure what the lack of movement
meant yet.  Somehow Kevin wasn't as easy to read as some of the others.

Michael stepped back, and then there was another hand.  Nick's arm had
slipped around his waist and rested on his stomach.

"What is it, Kevin?" Nick asked, resting his chin on John's shoulder.  Nick
tried not to shiver as he stood in a tshirt and boxers.  The warm air was
still escaping out the door.

"I've been talking to Brian, and . . ." Kevin trailed off as he looked at
John, and past the couple to Michael.

"And what?" Nick asked.

Kevin looked down to Nick's arm as it had wrapped around John, and wondered
again at how thin it was.  "And I think we should talk it through.  Brian
was an asshole."

Brian finally stepped into the hall and pushed the door closed.  Already
the house was coming alive with the groan of the heater.  Nick couldn't
help but think of how small Brian looked.  He felt like a giant in
comparison.

An awkwardness spread in the wake of the cold, until Michael made a
suggestion.  "How about I light a fire and John makes some hot chocolate?
Then you can talk all you like."

Kevin looked to Nick, then past him to Michael, and nodded.

***

The room was filled with the scent of smoke.  A gentle twist to the air
that made Nick feel a bit more relaxed.  He hadn't grown up with wood
burning fires, but there had been camping trips, and a few hotels during
the band's journeys that'd made the smell familiar.

Howie and AJ had excused themselves to the kitchen, under the pretense of
helping John.  Michael gave the wood a few last pushes with a piece of
kindling before he too left the room.

Brian slouched in an oversized armchair, while Nick and Kevin sat on the
couch.

"So what is it?"

Kevin put a foot up on the coffee table and kept his glare levelled on his
cousin.  "Brian's got something to say."

Nick looked over to Kevin.  "And you're here for?"

With a surprised expression, Kevin looked at the young blond.  "To make
sure he says it."

Shaking his head, Nick found his lip curling into a bit of a smile.  "Get
out, Kevin.  We'll call you when we're done."

Kevin's look of surprise expanded, and he found his mouth hanging open with
no words to say.  But after meeting Nick's eyes for a while longer, he
stood up and left the room.  Nick celebrated this first victory.

***

John was stirring a pot on the stove, with the pitcher of milk on the
counter beside him.  The others were sitting around the kitchen table,
doing their best to look like they weren't listening to the events of the
other room.

John turned slightly when Kevin entered.  "How's it going?"

Shrugging, Kevin replied, "I'm not sure."

"Did it have to be tonight?"  John lifted the wooden spoon out of the pot
and tapped it against the side to get the excess milk off of it.

Kevin's voice softened as his words carried a silent apology.  "We're a
group and we go everywhere together.  We have to deal with things as they
come, otherwise it'll all fall apart.  I can't let that happen."

John nodded and turned back to the pot.  "Stuff like this happens a lot?"

"Not to this degree."

Putting the spoon back into the pot, John stirred again, and wished he knew
what the hell was going on.

***

Staring at Brian, Nick couldn't help wishing Brian would just stare back.
After everything, the man across the room was still Nick's best friend, and
it hurt to see him hurt.

"Brian . . ."

Brian flinched as his name was spoken.

"They're not going to let us out of here until we talk it out, B."

Brian sighed.  "I know."  His words came out softly, as if smothered
beneath layers of cotton.

"But frankly," Nick continued, "I don't see what there is to talk about."

Their eyes finally met as Brian's flicked up in surprise.

Nick smiled sympathetically.  "When you and Leighanne hooked up, don't you
think I'd have done anything to get between you?"

"It wasn't that, Nickie.  I swear it wasn't that."  Brian's eyes were wide
and he leaned forward until his elbows were resting on his knees.  Already
his face had come to life.  "You can't possibly think that."

Nick's eyebrows knitted together.  "What should I think?"

Brian swallowed hard, and looked away from Nick.  He couldn't keep the eye
contact going without crying, not now.  Nick looked so small, and the
tshirt that had once fit him now hung off his shoulders.

"I helped get Kevin to back down so you and John could go out for that
walk, remember?  Does that sound like a jealous act to you?"  Brian wrung
his hands together as his eyes found the fire and fixated on the moving
colours.

Nick's train of thought derailed.  He'd forgotten that moment entirely,
remembering it only for John's standing up to Kevin and for the way the
world didn't end with that action.

"I didn't notice you get sick," Brian said, forcing his eyes back to Nick.
"I was too caught up in Leighanne and the wedding.  But before you and I
. . . went our separate ways, I can't remember you being sick."

"So you thought I got sick because you were gone?"

"You didn't?"  Brian's eyes widened and his voice dropped.

Nick shook his head.  "I can't really say what happened, cause I'm not
quite sure either.  Maybe that was a bit of it, because I admit I was
lonely when you left, but that wasn't all.  Brian, we don't work in a
healthy industry -- but it doesn't matter.  It wasn't you, B."  Nick moved
across the room and knelt at Brian's feet, taking Brian's wringing hands in
his and squeezing them.  "It's not your fault."

Brian's eyes teared up.  "I've wanted to reach out and hold you since I
found out, but I just couldn't."

Nick nodded, his own eyes starting to burn.  "Because of John."

Brian nodded, and the first tear slipped down his face.  Nick wiped it away
and then stood and took Brian into his arms.

***

Michael leaned over his brother's shoulder.  "It's forming a skin."

John jumped a bit.  "Ah, sorry."  He started stirring the contents of the
pot again.  "I guess my mind wandered."

Michael looked over at the others, all of whom were still listening
carefully to those in the other room, and leaned closer to his brother's
ears.  "You didn't know about those two, did you?"

John shook his head a bit and took a ragged breath.

"I'm sorry, Johnny.  But they aren't together anymore."

Nodding, John wiped at one of his eyes with the back of his hand.  "You
approve of Nick and I?"

Michael patted his brother's side.  "Yeah, this time you chose well."

"Great," John said drily, "you finally approve of a guy and you wait until
the night before he walks out of my life to do it."

"You two aren't going to try for something long term?"

John shook his head again.  "He's got enough stress in his life without a
long distance thing." He tapped the spoon against the side of the pot and
turned down the temperature on the element. "And I just couldn't live in
his world."

"We could give it a shot."

"No." John reached out for the chocolate powder, and his brother carefully
slid it into the path of his hand.  "You know, when I dream at night, he's
right there.  In all of them.  But they aren't dreams of cities and travel,
they're dreams of cornfields and the bones of an old barn.  Sometimes I
even think I can see him, standing there."

"Dreams can change.  You heard them, we could make a shot at going pro.
We'd be able to see them all the time."

John started spooning the chocolate into the pot as his brother stepped
forward to stir.  "Is that what you dream about at night?  Or do you still
dream about the fields and the work?"

"My dreams can change too, you know.  I want you to be happy."

"I am happy.  I'm happy tonight, and I'll be happy again somewhere down the
road.  But we can't gamble our lives."

"Brave words," Michael said, softly.

"And somewhere down the road, I'll believe them."  John took another ragged
breath.  "Can you get the marshmallows?"

***

Nick lay in bed, waiting for John to come up to join him.  Things had
finally broken up around one, and Nick was miles past exhausted, but still
he was waiting, convinced that sleep wouldn't find him alone.

Finally, he heard the footsteps on the stairs, and the sleep he was
fighting gave up and surrendered.  The creak of old wood marked John's path
across the hall too the open door.  Nick saw John reach out for the
doorknob, but his hand closed on air.

John stepped into the room and reached out in search of the door and
quietly pressed it closed.  He shed his bathrobe onto the back of a chair
before moving to sit on the edge of the bed, where he kicked off his
slippers before slipping under the covers.  It was another moment before
Nick felt John's arm come to rest on his side.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Nick whispered.

"I haven't told you about all of my skeletons either, so no harm done."

Nick snuggled backwards in the bed until he could feel John's warmth all
the way down his back.  His lip curled into another smile.  "I do love you,
you know."

John smiled and kissed the back of Nick's head.  "I know."

***

The tinny sound of a radio woke Nick from the most peaceful sleep he could
ever remember having, but it was silenced after only a short moment when
John reached out and turned it off.

John kissed Nick's neck softly before pulling himself back and climbing out
from under the blankets.

Nick squinted into the morning light and sat up.  "Where're you going?"

Putting on his slippers, John turned slightly towards Nick.  "I'm sorry,"
he said quietly.  Then he cleared his throat, and with a stronger voice
said, "Breakfast doesn't make itself, you know."

"They can take care of themselves for just this once."

"I'm not sending you guys out of my house and into some interview and hotel
without a proper country breakfast under your belts."

"What's a proper country breakfast?"

John walked over to the chair and picked up his bathrobe.  "Eggs, bacon,
ham, some kind of potatoes, toast, jam, marmalade, milk, juice, oatmeal."

Nick's stomach couldn't help but growl softly, though he still felt the
urge to ignore it.  "I'll do toast duty?"

"Ah, finally an assistant worth having.  Meet me down there."

***

Nick got through one bowl of oatmeal and a piece of toast with jam before
he gave up.  AJ and Howie had to take some time to get their stomachs ready
for the early morning feast, but they soon caught up with John and Michael,
and ate their fill.

Nick couldn't help noticing Howie and AJ's frequent worried glances, but he
pushed them aside.  He made sure to sit where he couldn't see the kitchen
clock, hoping to trick himself into thinking that time wasn't passing.

Denny had wandered through briefly, giving him a sniff and a slow wag of
her tail on her way to patrol the back porch.  Nick was alternating between
watching John eat, and watching Denny sprawled in the sun through the glass
of the back door.

"I think I want to get a dog," Nick said.

Howie and AJ looked at each other before they both nodded.

"I think we'd be able to handle one," Howie said, between bites of his
toast.  "But a small one -- those busses are cramped enough as they are."

Since Nick was quite sure that golden retrievers started small, he smiled
and nodded.

"Besides," AJ added, "the Howie smell is bad enough."

Howie glared, but smiled.

"Ever had a dog?" Michael asked.  Nick had noticed Michael's worried
glances at John were just as frequent as the ones AJ and Howie were giving
him.

"No," Nick said, shaking his head.  "Unless little brothers count."

John smiled.  "Oh, they do."

***

AJ and Howie had gone out to see Brian and Kevin's families, after
carefully plotting Nick's excuse for not showing.  Michael had found an
excuse to head out to the barn to put another coat of paint on this and
that.

Nick and John had lit another fire on the remains of the last, and curled
up on the floor together, wrapped in each others' arms, with Denny resting
her hear on her master's thigh, lost in some dream of youth.

"You know you're always welcome to come back."

"And you know I'll be doing that with every chance I get."  Nick stared at
the blue bits of the flame, the rarer parts that really make things
interesting.  "It'll let me visit with Kev and Brian's families a bit more
often, and make up for shunning them this week."

"You could've gone."

"No, I couldn't've."

"And you'll call me?"

"With every spare minute."

"You don't have to.  Just whenever."

"I want to."

John squeezed Nick a little bit tighter and kissed Nick's cheek.  "And you
and Brian are okay?"

"Yeah.  We're a family.  We get over these things."

"Good."  He took a deep breath, feeling the smoky edge of the air filling
his lungs.  "Look, I don't want to say goodbye with an audience."

Nick turned his head to look up at John's sad face.  "Now?"

John nodded.

"Okay," Nick said, biting his lip.  "This is like my haven now.  From here
I go back into the world, with the cameras and the screaming fans."

"Worried?" John asked, squeezing Nick's hand.

Nick considered it for a moment, searching for the ball of fear that was
usually buried deep in his chest, but found that it had shed layers like an
onion, and could hardly be felt.  "No, not really.  Not when I know that
this exists."

"Good," John said with a smile.  "I can't say I've gone out with a lot of
people, but I can say I've never loved anyone better, Nick.  You deserve
every happiness the world can offer.  I'm going to miss the hell out of
you."

Nick smiled and pulled himself out of John's arms, sitting up to face him
instead.  "And I have no way of ever thanking you for everything you've
done for me.  The past few days haven't been easy.  You're a better man
than anyone I've met."

John half grinned.  "Stop it -- I don't want to cry."

"And I'm not going to cry," Nick continued, "because I'm going to carry you
with me whenever I go, and always have you here as an anchor, keeping me
grounded.  We may never find ourselves as a couple again, but you'll always
be in my heart and I'll always love you."

John's chin started to tremble, as he fought to hold back from crying, and
Nick reached out to stroke the man's cheek.  "If I could give you anything
in the world," Nick whispered, "I'd give you me.  And eventually, I hope
to."  He leaned forward and took John into his arms, and held him until the
fire died away.

***

Later, as the car pulled away, Howie had to nudge AJ's arm and point him to
the backseat.  AJ reached up and moved the rearview mirror until Nick's
face came into view.

Nick's nose pressed up against the glass, and he stared out into the
endless fields, with a smile on his face, and a curl to his lip.

***

End.