Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000 22:32:37 EST
From: Scotty T <thepoetboy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Beneath It All 7

Heyhey!  Here's part seven!

I'd ask you to email me your thoughts, but it'd be unfair.  I've been
*horrible* about returning email since August, so until I suddenly find
myself consistently returning emails quickly, I shan't make
requests. . . . but if you wanna send it anyway, I'll happily read. :)

Thanks go to DLS, for help forming this BIA world and for constant
editorial and friend-based help.  Canadians are great, aren't they?

My university has been on strike for a while, with no end in sight, so new
instalments *might* be more frequent.  Don't bet on it though. :)

I'm going to my first concert EVER on the 14th of this month -- and it's an
NSYNC concert.  So, if anyone from NSYNC is reading, I'll be in the second
row of the 100 level.  I have a goatee and I'll be next to a gorgeous
brunette . . . at least I think she's a brunette right now . . . :)

Thanks for reading, for following me through a chaotic posting schedule,
and for feeling along with Nick and John.

And now, on with the show. . .


Part 7

Nick woke to the light, his eyes squinting open to see that all the
curtains had been pulled open, and the door to the porch letting a breeze
in through the room.  He was lying on his side at the edge of the bed and
could feel the heat of a body behind him, but it wasn't Brian.  The breath
on his neck was warmer than Brian's had ever been, and there was no arm
wrapped around his side.

A deep, rumbling sigh gave Denny away, and Nick smiled into the sunlight.
He rolled over and she raised her head to stare at him with her sad, brown
eyes before settling her head down on his chest.  Her eyes quickly
disappeared behind sleepy lids.

"Morning, pup," Nick said quietly.  He listened for movement in the rest of
the house, and finally heard movement coming up the stairs.  There was a
distant clink of silverware against dishes.  "They're gonna try to feed me,
girl.  But you'll be here, right?  You'll help out.  You like bacon, don't
ya?"  With a scratch of her ears, he waited, listening to the movement as
it reached the second floor, and then finally the third.

The heavy wooden door pushed open and Nick met AJ's eyes.  "Morning,
kiddo."  AJ pushed the door the rest of the way open with the wicker tray
he held.

"Where's Brian?"

AJ moved carefully across the room, staring at the glass of orange juice
and willing it not to spill.  "He's on the phone in the kitchen, talking to
Leighanne.  Meanwhile, John and I have been busy making a feast to end all
feasts."

AJ stopped at the edge of the bed and looked down at the large retriever
sprawled across Nick and the bed.  "Any chance you can move her?"

Denny's eyes opened to peer up at the newcomer, and then her nose started
working.  She raised her head for a better look at the food and Nick pulled
himself up into a sitting position.

"You didn't have to, AJ."

AJ didn't reply.  He just set the tray on Nick's lap before moving to sit
in a hardbacked oak chair beside the bed.  He crossed his legs at the
ankles and stared at his socks.  Nick tried not to watch him, and instead
looked at the tray.  The circles around AJ's eyes were too dark, and his
movements were too meek.  Nick didn't like to see it.

"Where's everyone else?"

"They're around."

Nick closely examined the eggs and toast.  He decided that the oatmeal
must've been AJ's part of the meal due to the lumps and mysterious spices
that seemed to be sprinkled across the top.  AJ liked everything hot,
especially his food.

"I'm not really hungry," Nick said.

"We're really not giving you much of a choice."  AJ's arms crossed on his
chest.

"I'll eat when I get hungry."

"You'll understand if I don't take your word for it."

Nick sighed and picked up a piece of the toast.  He tore a corner off and
popped it into his mouth, tearing another corner off to give to Denny.
After a sniff and careful consideration, she accepted it.

"So I'm going to be force fed?"

"For now.  Kev's probably already contacted management for a nutritionist
to be added to the staff."

Nick's eyes widened and he dropped the toast.  "I don't want them to know!"

AJ played with the buttons on the front of his shirt.  "Don't worry,
Nickie.
  We decided to say it was for me and Kev, to help us get into better
shape.  It's just between us, and it'll stay that way."

Nick picked up the bowl of oatmeal, deciding that it would be the least
destructive, and scraped the spices off the top.  It was spooned off onto
the plate beside the cold toast.

"It's nothing really strong, Nickie."

"You don't think anything is really strong."  Nick hid the grimace that
came with the first spoonful and forced himself to take another.  His
stomach was already rebelling.

The bowl was set back onto the tray.

"This isn't going to happen, AJ."

Nick stared at the food, sizing up the enemy.

"Just eat half of it then.  As much as you can."

Nick looked over at AJ, noticing that the man still wasn't looking back.
"I already ate all I can.  That was it."

AJ turned his head to look out the window.  "You've got to try."

"What do you think I'm doing?" Nick asked, pushing the tray onto the
bedside table.  Denny's head rested on his stomach, with her eyes still
focussed entirely on the tray.

"Giving up."

"I'm not giving up."

"Bullshit.  If we hadn't seen you yesterday, you'd still not be eating and
things'd just be getting worse.  You're on dangerous ground.  Your body
can't take this."

"I know."

AJ stood up and turned towards the boy in the bed.  "Then why the hell did
you let it happen?  Why do that to yourself?"

Nick's lip curled and he shrugged.  "You think it was choice?"

At the edge of the bed, AJ stopped.  "Someone decided to start skipping
those meals, Nick.  Someone decided to stop eating."

"You really think it's that easy?  Really?"

With a shake of his head, AJ sat on the edge of the bed, pushing the boy
and the dog over to make some space.  "Explain it to me then.  Give me the
logic of this."

Nick's lip curled upward a bit farther.  "Since when was I logical?"  AJ
just stared at him, and Nick was the one to turn away.  "Haven't you ever
wanted to look better?"

AJ shrugged.  "You were the one everyone kept talking about."

"When we started, yeah.  When I was young, and thin, and a kid.  You -- you
were all muscle for as long as I can remember.  I was the scrawny one, the
tiny one.  That's what they liked about me."

"We all grew up, Nick, we all changed."

"Not as much as I did.  I started out shorter than Brian and now I'm taller
than Kevin.  Everyone talks about Brian now.  Or Kevin.  I lost it."

"You got older."

"I got fat."

"So you're not the pretty one anymore.  So what?  There're worse things to
be."

But Nick wasn't listening.  "And now Kev and Brian are engaged.  How much
longer can this go on, AJ?  How much longer will we be a group?"

AJ shrugged again.  "They don't have any plans to leave."

"Not yet.  But when they do, where'll that leave us?  What'll happen to
me?"

"We'll get other gigs.  Maybe do some producing.  Hell, we could retire."

Nick shook his head.  "I don't want to retire.  I don't wanna retire at
twenty-two and have the rest of my life be some kind of coasting based on
what I did as a kid."

"So you're gonna kill yourself off early?"

"I've gotta be marketable."

"You're Nick Carter.  That's marketable."

"That's bullshit.  Names don't mean anything anymore.  It's your look.
You've got to be able to attract people."  Nick wiped at his eyes, and was
surprised to find them dry.  "I don't want to be old, washed up and alone,
AJ."

"You've got me, man.  Howie'll always be there.  Kevin'll be playing Dad
until you hit seventy.  And Brian'll always . . . he'll be around."

"He's getting married.  Then there'll be kids.  Lots of kids.  How much
time do you think he'll have for an old bandmate?"

AJ picked up the discarded tray and tossed the last of the toast to the
dog.
  "As much time as you need, Nickie.  Trust me.  And him."  He walked out
into the hall, ending the conversation.

"I wish I could," Nick whispered.

***

Nick lay staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour, with Denny periodically
reminding him that no matter what else he was doing, he could be scratching
her ears at the same time.  The heat she was radiating led to the sheets
being pushed aside, and a heavy paw was resting on Nick's stomach.  At
first Nick had thought it was random, part of the dog's sprawl, but he soon
began to suspect that she was taking an active part in keeping her ear
scratcher captive.

His stomach was still churning, though he knew it probably wasn't from the
previous night's pizza.  Now it was the thought of going downstairs, having
to face them all again.  Telling them he couldn't do this, making them back
off.

He didn't have the strength for that.  They wouldn't listen.  They never
listened.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a light tapping on the door.  It was
ignored, as Nick hoped the knocker would leave.  In that room, Nick was
happy.  Just him and the dog, a comfortable pairing.  There was no-one
outside he needed there.

The tapping got louder before it stopped, and then the handle started to
turn.  Nick closed his eyes, turned his head to the side in what he hoped
looked like a sleep pose.  The door creaked softly as it opened.

And then Denny's tail started thumping, softly at first, but then harder.
Nick smiled and then opened his eyes, looking at John standing in the
doorway.

"Morning, John."

John's face split into a smile.  "Sorry if I woke you up, I was just
looking for my girl.  And that sounds like her."  He walked over to the
bed, passing through space like it was a certainty, like nothing could ever
get in his way.  Denny stood to meet him, carefully rising on arthritic
paws.  Her tail slapped Nick's thigh.  "You missed breakfast today, Den,"
he said, ruffling her fur with playful strokes.  "Got a new favourite, do
ya?  Old John's not good enough for ya?"  The smile spread as he bent to
kiss her forehead.  She licked his nose before he could pull back.

"You coming down, Nick?  Michael's got some three wheelers.  I hear they're
pretty fun."

"Thanks, but I think I'm better off here."

"Not up to seeing your friends?"

"Not today."

John sighed and let his hands stop moving across Denny's fur.  He sat on
the edge of the bed, and she eased herself down to rest her head on his
thigh.

"I don't claim to know what's going on, Nick, but they love you."

"I know."

"They're here because they think they're helping.  Hell, AJ tried to cook
today he used up half of my spice rack."

A small smile formed on Nick's lips, but it went unnoticed.

"And the gruff one . . ."

"Kevin," Nick supplied, not even needing to consider it.

"Yeah, Kevin's been on his cell phone all morning arranging things.  I've
been trying not to listen, but with these ears . . ."

"What've you heard?"

"That you're sick.  He hasn't said it, but with everything else going on
around here this morning, the blanks fill themselves in."

"Fill themselves in with what?"

John's grin returned, lighting up his eyes and forming deep dimples in his
cheeks.  "That apparently you're not a fan of my cooking."

Nick laughed.  It escaped him before he realized it was there.

"It's not your cooking, Johnny, it's anyone's."

"Started out easily enough, didn't it?  More salads, a few less desserts."

"For the most part."

John leaned across the bed, his hand searching for Nick's.  Nick met it and
squeezed, holding onto it as more than just a friendly hand.  His grip
became a lifeline, the most important thing in the world.

"Well, Nick, just so you know, you've always looked good to me."

Sincerity filled John's milky eyes and every line on the man's face.  This
one, Nick thought, I can believe.

"Thanks," Nick replied quietly.  He thought he could feel John's pulse
passing between their hands.

"No problem.  Look, I'll be just across the hall if you want to talk."
John's hand was pulled away, the touch ended.

Nick sat up, his queasiness forgotten.  "Don't go."

John stood and brushed at his pants, getting rid of fur that he somehow
knew was there.  "I thought you weren't up to seeing friends."

Slipping off the side of the bed, Nick walked over to the door and pushed
it shut.  John turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm not," Nick said, "but I'm very up to seeing you."  He stepped over to
John and Nick tilted his head slightly.  His lips brushed those of the
older man.
  Nick took a half-step back, memorizing John's face.

John's eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly parted.  There was a
slight tugging on one side, pulling his face into a slight grin.

"I hope there's another one of those."

Nick stepped back towards John.  "As many as you want."

"Good, just do one thing for me?"

"Anything."

John's eyes opened as the grin spread.  "Go brush."

***

End Part 7.