Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 01:56:44 EDT
From: AbercFitch18@aol.com
Subject: Brian and Cody

***Disclamer ***Hey! The following is a fictional story containing guy to guy
sex and fantasy's of being with a celebrity, the celebrity being Brian
Littrell from the Backstreet Boys. I am a fan of theirs and in no sense is
any of this story true. Its just a little fantasy. Hopefully its something
that will not affect or insult the real BSB. Cody has nothing to do with the
Cody from Baywatch, its just my name. You must be 18 or of legal age in your
state to read this. So read on and I hope you like it.***


All I Have To Give:
Brian and Cody 12

Part 1

I sat back for the first time since I had arrived in London and took a look
around me.  I was sitting at a cafe directly in front of Big Ben.  The past
few days had been crazy to say the least.  Filming of "Red Ocean" had started
the day after I arrived in England.  It almost seemed like I went directly
from the airport to work.  I wondered how Brian was doing.  It had been 3
weeks since I had left him in Sweden.  I tried to block out thoughts of Brian
since I had arrived in New York but his relentless calling didn't let me.  He
finally stopped calling me a little over a week after that.  It made me feel
terrible but I convinced myself that I had done the best thing by leaving him.


*Knock*Knock*

"Who is it?"  I asked at the knock.

"Its Brad!"

"Hey, What are you doing here?"  I asked as I opened the door to my flat (a
large one room apartment).

"Just thought you might want some company.  I mean, its not like you know
anyone around here and its not healthy to be locked up in this beautiful flat
all by yourself."

"Well, you really didn't need to come by.  I'm doing fine."

"Well, too bad cause now I'm inside already and your not about to kick me
out."  Brad answered.

"Fine, grab a seat," I said.

"So how are you liking England huh?"

Its great I'm really liking it here," I answered.

"I didn't think you would like it.  Its not my kind of place," Brad said.

"Yeah, well I'm liking it. Its not as busy as other places.  You don't get
lost in shit over here," I took a seat next to Brad.

Brad seemed to have come over to my flat every chance he could for those 2
weeks we were in London.  We started hanging out even more after we left
London and headed to Dover where we would film all the sailboat races and
stuff for the movie for 4 weeks.  It was actually kind of good to have Brad
around to talk to and just unwind with after work and on our days off.  I
figured Brad had changed for the best in the past few months.  The last time
I had hung out with him in California we were drunk off our asses.  Brad and
I met while I was filming "Cruel Streets."  Brad was filming a movie on the
same movie lot as me and so we hit it off.  A short while after we had met,
Brad told me he was Bi and so did I.  We started seeing each other on and
off.  We got into the same things, the drinking and partying.  A short while
after both of us finished the movies we cooled our relationship to just
friends.  We both weren't into the relationship thing yet since we both
didn't believe in monogamy at the time.  After I met Brian and the guys he
was one of the friends I removed from my life.  Jason, Chad, and Brad never
really knew why I left since I just stopped talking to them so I was very
nervous about having to work with Brad after all that.  Luckily Brad didn't
seem to care about the past.  Things quickly changed though about a week
before we wrapped filming in Dover.

"So how did you find working here in England for almost 2 months?"  I asked
Brad a short while after he had arrived at my house that the studio had
provided me.

"Well, I enjoyed being in London more than being here.  You know how I have
hated being out on those sail boats nearly the whole day getting wet," Brad
replied.

"Yeah, well I've been enjoying myself.  I'm really liking the whole sailing
sport thing."

"You will never see me on one of those damn boats again!"

"Your too much, you know.  You should be enjoying yourself!  How many other
people get to be doing what your doing?"

"Yeah, Well I don't want to talk about work!  What are you going to do after
we finish this movie?"  Brad asked as he took a seat next to me on the coach.

"Not sure yet.  I'm already scheduled to start filming a small movie in about
a month.  So that gives me almost 3 weeks to relax and try to enjoy my time
in New York City without working.  I'm definitely planning on keeping a low
profile though," I answered.

"Oh that's not fun!  All work and no play gets boring," Brad said.

"Yeah, well I need to concentrate on work for a while.  I don't want to be
distracted by anything."

"Well, your sounding like an old man!  Your 18 for gods sake!  You need to
have fun!"

"So what!  I really don't need any more distractions.  Believe me I don't," I
said.

"Well, maybe just a tiny little distraction," Brad leaned towards me and
planted his lips onto mine.  For a second I lost myself as a million thoughts
flew through my mind, one of those being Brian.  As Brad tried pushing his
tongue into my mouth I snapped out of it.

"Brad!  No!"  I said pushing Brad away from me.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What the hell is wrong with me?!?  Your the one with the problem!"  I stood
up from the couch looking down at Brad.

"As I remember correctly, we use to have our good times.  I know you enjoyed
them as much as I did!"

"Yeah, well that was then.  Just because you got into my pants once before
doesn't mean your going to now!"

"You know!  Your the one who's got a problem.  You were the one who just
ditched out on everyone.  I though we were friends.  Did you think you were
too good to hang out with us or what?!?"

"I never thought I was too good to hang out with you!  I just needed a change
from that whole fucking scene!"  I screamed.

"What the fuck are you talking about!  Who's the one who news reporters had a
field day with!  As I remember, a little over a month after you stopped
hanging out with us you were seen around town high off your ass and drunk!"

"Well, things have changed!"  I screamed as I heard a knock at the door.

"WHAT!?!"  I said as I opened the door to receive a huge shock.

"Hey Cody."

"Nick!  Howie!  What the hell are you guys doing here!?  How did you know how
to find me!?"  I said.

"Happy Birthday!!"  Howie said giving me a hug.

"What?  You remembered my birthday?"

"Of course we did!  How could we forget you were turning 19?  We called your
agent and let us know where you were.  Are we interrupting something?"  Howie
said looking towards Brad.

"No, No, Not at all.  Umm, Just come in." I moved to the side and let Nick
and Howie in.  "Guys this is Brad Johnson.  He was just leaving," I said
looking at Brad.

"Yeah I guess I was just leaving," Brad said grabbing his coat before pushing
past everyone.

"So, what are you guys doing here?"

"Are you sure we didn't interrupt anything?"  Howie said after seeing Brad
rush out the door.

"No, not at all.  You couldn't have come at a better time.  So tell me, how
did you end up at my front door?"

"We had some time off and we thought we might come and see how your doing.
We haven't heard from you for over a month now," Howie said.

"Checking up on me, huh?  Well you can tell Brian that I'm fine."

"Brian didn't send us Cody.  We swear."  Howie answered, "We just wanted to
stop by and wish you a happy birthday.  But yeah, we were worried and we
wanted to see you."

"Hell, Brian has barely talked to us for that matter," Nick said.  Howie
turned and gave him a look.

"What?"  I asked.

"Nothing," Howie said, "so who's this Brad dude?"

"Howie!  Why hasn't Brian talked to you guys?"

"Cody, we didn't want to say anything because we came here just to visit you
and leave Brian out of it."

"Howie!"

"OK, OK.  After you left him he just hasn't been the same," Howie explained.

"Hasn't been the same?  What's wrong with him?  You guys have tell me!"

"Remember how Brian got while you two were separated?  You in California an
us in Florida?  Well its pretty much the same story.  This past month has
been really tough.  Outside of the studio he doesn't talk to anyone.  He just
locks himself in his room and barely comes out to eat."  Howie said looking
down at his feet.

"Oh god!  I feel terrible!"

"Well, you look great Cody," Nick spoke up.

"Nick!"  Howie gave Nick the look of death.

"Its ok Howie.  I guess I am looking better now."

"Well we're glad your doing good Cody.  We really are," Howie said.

"Yeah, Whatever," Nick said looking away.

"Damn it Nick!  You said you weren't going to do this!"  Howie scolded Nick.

"Howie, its ok.  Nick, I didn't leave Brian because I wanted to hurt him, or
because he was doing me damage."

"Well, it sure seemed like it!"

"Listen Nick.  I left Brian because I was the one who was causing him harm.
Brian didn't need to have me around adding to his worries.  The last thing
Brian needed was to have to baby-sit me.  And I had a lot of things to go
through and still have to go through.  Things that Brian doesn't know.
Things that I have to go through by myself.  It was unfair for me to drag
Brian through my problems.  He was hurting too much having me around.  The
best thing I thought I could have done for him was to leave him.  As much as
it hurt, it was hurting more causing Brian pain."

"Cody, you really don't need to explain anything to us.  Its your life and
you did what you thought you needed to do and that's it."

"Well, the least I can do is offer an explanation to you guys."

"We're not the ones that you need to be explain things to."  Nick said.

"Nick, I told Brian why I was leaving him.  If he chose not to believe me
then I can't do anything about that.

"You didn't give Brian any explanations!  You just left him Cody.  Without so
much of a real good explanation!  All you told Brian was that it was hurting
too much to be with him.  What kind of an explanation is that?"  Nick said
looking straight at me.

"Nick, I told Brian that I was hurting him too much.  And that's why I had to
leave.  I guess it was vague but I had to do it that way.  I didn't know how
else to."

"You and Brian need to talk!  You need to tell him what you just told me.
You need to really sit down and explain to him why you left him.  What was
happening in your life then?"  Nick said grabbing onto my shoulders.

"Nick!  Cody doesn't need to do anything.  It would just hurt Brian more to
have to hear Cody telling him why he broke up with him.  And seeing him
moving on with his life."

"Howie!  I haven't move on with my life.  I still love Brian.  I love him
more than anything else in this world.  I love him more than my life itself!"

"Cody!"

"Its true Howie!  I love him so much I would give my life up for him.  I
would do anything for Brian, Howie!  You don't understand.  I miss him so
much.  Its so hard to go to sleep and not have him there with me.  Its so
hard to wake up and look over and not see him there next to me.  I can't help
but think of Brian every second."

"Then you need to talk to him Cody!  You guys are miserable without each
other!"

"I can't Nick.  Brian was miserable with me there.  I can't go on causing him
pain."

"How were you causing him pain Cody?!!"  Nick said.

"Its a long story Nick.  To cut it short, Brian and I were not on such good
terms the couple of weeks before I left.  Mostly my fault.  I wasn't slowing
down my partying and it was taking a toll on Brian.  I don't know how else to
explain it.  I guess I was taking advantage of Brian.  I knew he would be
waiting for me when I got home so I didn't care how drunk I got.  I knew
there would be someone waiting for me at home."

"Cody.  We had no clue.  Brian never told any of us what was going on," Howie
said putting his hand on my shoulder.  "But believe me.  As hard as it might
have been on Brian having to deal with your drinking, its been harder for him
having to deal without you being there with him."

"I don't know what to do guys.  Can we just go out or something?  How long
are you guys in town for?"  I said trying to change the subject.

"Actually we leave tomorrow morning.  We got here last night but it was too
late to come see you.  We're on our way to the states to take care of some
business while we have a break from recording."

"What about the other guys?"  I asked.

"Well, we only have a week off so the others just took a little vacation
around Sweden.  They didn't feel like flying back and forth."  Howie answered

"Along with Brian?"

"Well, not exactly.  Brian and Kevin stayed at the house in Sweden," Howie
spoke up before Nick got a chance to open his mouth.

"So do you have any plans for tonight Cody?"  Howie asked.

No None at all.  Had something in mind?"

"Oh yeah.  We're taking you out.  You can't stay in on your birthday!  So go
put something nice on and we'll get on our way."

20 minutes later Howie, Nick and I were in a limousine on our way to some
club in London.  Once we arrived we were quickly escorted into the club
before Howie or Nick were recognized and cause a commotion.  Luckily I wasn't
that well known in England so I didn't have a hard time getting around.
Inside we were seated in a private booth and we sat back and relaxed watching
the dance floor.

"Happy Birthday Mr. Sullivan!  We hope you have a fun filled night tonight
here at our club.  Drinks are on us.  Enjoy."  The manager said as a waiter
came by and set a round of drinks for all of us.

"Oh no, please would you...."

And before Howie had the chance to finish telling the waiter to remove the
drinks from the table he looked over just in time to see me swallow down a
shot of vodka.

"CODY!  No!"  Howie said reaching over to me.

"Oh come on Howie.  Don't worry, relax.  Its my birthday for one thing and
believe me a couple drinks wont do me any harm.  Besides I haven't drank in a
while," I said looking straight into Howie's eyes as I took a second shot.

**************

"Well, thanks for the cup of coffee.  I really needed it."

"Of course you needed it!  Your so fucking hung over!"  Brad said as we
walked towards my front door.

"I can't even remember much of last night.  Fuck!  I shouldn't have drank
last night!  Especially with Howie and Nick.  Now they must still think I'm
some fucking alcoholic!  From the note Howie left me next to my bed I'm damn
sure he still thinks I am."

"What did it say?"  Brad asked.

"Here, read it for yourself," I said handing Brad the note.

    Cody, Hope you feel better this morning.
    You can thank us another time for dragging
    your ass back to your flat.  We crashed on
    the sofa.  Our flight leaves in about 30 minutes
    so we'll be seeing you another day.

    Bye, Howie.

"I guess they'll believe what they want to.  But you did get shit faces last
night!"  Brad said laughing.

"Well I guess so.  Oh yeah, and I'm glad we're talking.  It would suck if we
go on hating each other and having to work together everyday."

"Don't think twice about it.  You know I care for our friendship, and I'm all
about putting how much of an ass you have been in the past behind us."

"Your such an ass you know!"

"Yeah, but a cute one!"

"Yeah, I guess so,"

"Hmm, so I am cute?"

"Yeah, of course Brad!  Would you like me to say it for you? Will that make
you feel better?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact it would,"  Brad said smiling.

"Your very, very cute Brad.  Adorable!  Feel better now?"

"Yes, so much more."  Brad said as we reached the door to my flat.

I stared Brad in the eyes and figured I had nothing to lose.  I closed my
eyes, reached over and pulled him close to me as I placed my lips on his.
Brad quickly responded snaking his tongue into mine.  The feeling was great.
I had forgotten how great it was to feel someone else's warmth against your
skin.  The feeling of soft lips pressing against yours.  For that moment I
lost myself, my arms around Brad's wait, my tongue in Brad's mouth.  Those
moments of pleasure ended abruptly as soon as I opened my eyes to receive a
huge shock.

"OH MY GOD! BRIAN!"

"I'm sorry I came by.  I know I shouldn't have.  Bye,"  Brian turned around
and started walking away.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  Think Cody! Think!"  I said out loud as a million things
ran through my mind.

"What Cody!?"  Brad said in confusion.

"I'm sorry Brad.  I'm really sorry but I have to go,"  I started running
before even finishing my sentence to Brad.  I ran as fast as my legs would
let me.  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  I ran and ran and
ran trying to catch up to Brian.  I finally reached him as he was getting
ready to drive away in a blue BMW.  I quickly ran up to the car and jumped
inside just before Brian drove off.

"Get the fuck out of the car!"  Brian screamed not even looking at me.

"No!  Just drive!"

"Get the fuck out of the car damn it!"

"Brian, I am not getting out of the car! Please! Just fucking drive!!!" I
screamed.

"You didn't need to follow me and leave your boyfriend all alone up there,"
Brian said as he drove out of the parking lot.

"He's not my boyfriend Brian."

"The fuck he's not!  I saw the two of you kissing. But you know what?  I
really don't give a shit! Its not like its any of my business."

"Brian..."

"Fuck! I can't believe I came here.  Fucking stupid idea, I know.  I'm so
stupid! I should have never come to see you.  You don't give a shit about me
anymore.  You couldn't care any less for me!  I can't believe I thought I
could come here and try to work things out!"  Brian rambled on.

"Brian! I do care about you!"

"No you don't!"

"Yes I do!  Why do you think I'm here in this car with you"

"I don't know.  Why are you here Cody?  Why did you ran after me?  Because
you felt sorry for me? To tell me your sorry for leaving me a million times
more? To tell me your sorry for breaking my heart?!?!  To come and break my
heart even more?!"

"Brian!  I didn't come to break your heart!  I don't know.  I guess I
followed you because I wanted to.  I missed you so much, you wouldn't believe
how much!  When I saw you standing there my first thought was to run over to
you!"

"Yeah we'll you looked very content kissing that guy!"

"Brad doesn't mean anything to me Brian!  I'm here with you aren't I?"  By
this time Brian had pulled over on the side of the road and was just looking
straight out the window away from me.

"So you really came here to try to work things out?"

"I don't know.  I just wanted to see you.  I wasn't even planning on going up
to your door.  I just wanted to look at you, even from a distance.  I talked
to Nick last night and he told me what you told him about leaving me because
you didn't want to hurt me. You didn't want to be a hindrance in my life?
You were never that Cody!  Why would you leave me just because you didn't
want to bother me in helping you?  I thought you hated me, that you stopped
loving me.  It broke my heart.  I can't believe you ever thought you were a
doing me nothing but harm. Then I tried to remember everything you told me
that night but you never said anything like that.  You never explained
yourself!  Do you know how much that hurt me?!  When Nick told me what you
had said I couldn't believe it.  I guess I thought I would come see you and
talk to you and tell you that you weren't causing me any harm being with me.
That your doing me harm by not being by my side!  I came here to tell you I
love being with you! That I want to help you with your problems!  But now I
see you are getting fine without me!"

"Oh Brian! I'm not getting along fine without you.  You don't know how many
nights I cried myself to sleep thinking about you.  Wishing I could be with
you.  But I thought that I did the best thing for you by leaving you.  I saw
how you were those last couple of weeks we were together.  We barely even
talked.  You looked terrible.  You looked sick and tired of having to deal
with me, having to deal with my problems.  You can't lie to me and tell me
you were doing great those last few weeks I was with you."

"No, I can't lie to you.  Yes, it was very difficult the last few weeks!  I
tore my hair out some nights trying to figure you out! Trying to figure out
how to help you!  But Cody, I wasn't just mad at you! I was more mad at
myself! Mad because I felt useless.  I felt like I couldn't help you.  I
still feel like I can't help you.  I feel like its my fault for you not being
able to get over your problems.  I tried dealing with you leaving.  After you
left it broke my heart.  I couldn't get over it.  Eventually I thought you
would find someone that would be able to help you.  Maybe give you what I
couldn't give you."  A tear rolled down Brian's cheek as he let go of
everything he had built up inside of him.

"Brian! How could you ever think that?!  How you could you possibly think
that you were getting in the way of me getting help!  See!  I do nothing but
hurt you!  You don't deserve to get hurt by an asshole like me!  That's why I
left you!  I was causing you too much harm!  You were the best thing in my
life and I took advantage of you.  I went out at night and got drunk and
didn't care because I knew you would be waiting up for me.  No one else can
give me anymore than what you have given me!  If it wasn't for you, I would
probably be dead by now.  Your the only thing that has kept me alive these
past few months!  The thought of you has kept me from ending it all!"

"CODY! Don't say that! Don't ever say that!!!!"

"Its true Brian!  You have been the only thing that has kept me from...."

"Don't say it!  Please don't say it!"

I couldn't take it anymore.  I threw the door open and ran out of the car.  I
ran for what seemed hours.  'How could Brian have thought it was his fault!
That he was keeping me from getting help.  How could he ever think that he
was the one to blame for me being such an idiot!  How could I have ever let
him start to believe that!'  When I finally stopped running and stopped to
breath I noticed I had run all the way back to my flat.  I had no idea what I
was going to do; about Brian, about my life.  The world seem to be coming
crashing down on top of me.  I was so lost, so disoriented.  But as I walked
through my front door and saw him sitting there staring at me my heart
instantly told me what to do.



Part 2

We didn't need to say anything.  We both saw what we wanted, what we needed,
to do.  I wiped my tears away and walked over to him.  We wrapped our arms
around our waists and just held each other tightly.  It felt good to have
someone hold me.  It felt good to hold on to someone.  I didn't know how much
I had missed feeling loved.  It had been a while since I had had intimacy
with Brian.

"I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either."

"You know you can't lose me.  I've always been here.  I'll always be here for
you no matter what.  I'll try harder this time to give you what you need.
I'm not going to give up on you or me.  We'll get through this."

"I love you so much.  A gazillion I love you's would never come close to how
much I love you!"

"I know baby.  You don't need to tell me.  I know."

That was the first good night sleep I had had since that dreadful day I had
left Brian.  But I didn't have to worry about that anymore.  I didn't have to
worry about going to bed all alone.  I didn't have to worry about having to
cry myself to sleep.  Nothing but good dreams filled my head that night. ***

"Morning."

 As I came out of my sleep I couldn't help but groan at the thought of having
to open my eyes.  That quickly changed as I felt two warm hands caressing my
chest and stomach.  There was something about waking up wrapped in someone
else's arms that made waking up a good thing.  I slowly opened my eyes,
adjusting to the light coming in through the windows, and took in the beauty
that was next to me.

"Morning to you too,"  I said snuggling up closer to him.

"How did you sleep?"

"Best sleep I've had in a really long time,"  I said as I smiled.  "How about
you?"

"I've had better.  There was something pushing me out of the bed most of the
night,"  Brian gave his mischievous grin.

"You bastard!"  I playfully hit Brian on the arm.

"I'm just kidding baby.  Best sleep I've had in a really, really long time."

"Now that sounds better,"  I raised my hear and planted a kiss on Brian's
cheek.

"Is that all I get?"  Brian said giving me his puppy face.

"OK, OK.  There!"  I said as I place my lips on Brian's.

"Wow!  Now that was a kiss!"  Brian said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry Brian.  Its just that, we haven't been together for almost 3
months now and as much as I am loving being together with you again, I just
can't jump right in where we left off."

"I know, I know.  I'm sorry I tried to speed things up.  I don't want to do
anything to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Brian, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable.  Its just that...."

"I got it Cody.  You don't need to explain yourself.  I guess I can't pick up
where we left off myself."

"I love you, you know?"  I said looking deep into Brian's eyes.  "Brian?  You
do know that right?"

"Yeah, I know."  Brian said looking away.

"What's wrong?  Brian?"

"Nothing Cody.  I know you love me.  Its just that I still can't understand
why you left me Cody.  I don't understand why you just left me without
explaining yourself one bit.  It really hurt to have you run out of my life
without as much as word,"  Brian said looking the other way.

"Brian, I told you.  I left because I thought you would be better off without
me."

"Yeah, you did tell me, but that doesn't make me understand you.  You can
tell me a million times why you thought you had to leave me, but I just won't
understand.  I never would have left you."

"Brian, please don't do this to me.  I feel terrible as it is.  I know me
leaving hurt you.  It hurt me just as much.  But as much as it hurt both of
us I still think it was the best thing to do.  If I hadn't left, I don't
think we would have been able to stay together for much longer any ways.  And
if we broke up hating each other it would have hurt more.  I know I left you,
but I left you with a little hope in my heart that someday we would be able
to get back together."

"And look at us now." Brian finally turned to face me.

"We're back together.  Back to being in each others arms.  So see, maybe I
did do the right thing."

"Yeah, I guess maybe you did.  Sure it hurt like hell but maybe it was all
for the best.  What matters now is that we're together again and we're going
to work through everything together, right?"

"Right."  I slid over closer to Brian and put my forehead against his.  "How
about that kiss you wanted?"

"Goodie!  I love you baby."

Brian slowly pressed his lips against mine, running his hands through my
hair.  My hands played with his soft curls that fell just above his ears.  At
Brian's steady insistence of his tongue, I parted my lips and allowed Brian
to softly suck on my tongue.  It was perfect.  I was in my love's arms again,
feeling his soft lips against mine, holding him close to me.  Brian was what
I had been missing in my life.  A life that didn't seem complete without him.
 I never wanted to leave him again, but only time would tell if that was
going to be possible.

*To Be Continued*
**Well, Chapter 12 is finally done!  I know it took me forever!  After I
wrote chapter 11 I really didn't know where to go with the story.  I thought
I had put Brian and Cody through everything possible!  It took me a while
before I realized I was an idiot for thinking that.  I got over my mental
block and started writing.  Then college got in the way and my busy schedule
kept me away from writing.  But any ways.  I'm done!  It only took close to 2
months but here it is.  I'm not even sure if I like this part or not but what
can I say.  It is what it is.  Its boring I know but your just going to have
to stay tuned for Chapter 13, which I promise will come out soon, for the
exiting things.  I promise to make the next chapter a little more
interesting. I don't know how but I'll manage something.  Please e-mail me
and let me know how you think the story is going. Be honest, but don't tell
me how much I suck! lol.  Hope to hear from you all.   -Cody

P.S. Change of e-mail address again.  I had to get my own aol account so I
had to change screen names of course... So write to me at.....
AbercFitch18@aol.com