Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 08:14:56 +0000 From: J-dot M <catsfan1@hotmail.com> Subject: Questions Questions Written by JM -- Disclaimer: Uh, simple. Not 18, not interested in a relationship between two males, not open-minded, not a fan of the pop genre, not sure what fiction is, not a interested in anything written by JM, DO NOT READ! -- ** This is a small piece of the BSB/*NSYNC saga. It's just a songfic. This is number five of eight. It is in no way a start to another series, so please do not think of it that way. Understood? Missundaztood? It's all the same now a days, right? ** Britney Spears. Ooh, little Miss Britney Jean Spears. Britney ex-girlfriend to Justin Spears. Brit-nay! Itty, bitty Brit-Brit. In her mind, she tried to picture herself as Britney Fatone, wife of Joseph Anthony Fatone, Jr. It was easy a year ago, when she was with him. When she was his and he was hers. It was like sleep for her. She thought about it, wrote it down, scribbled it across notebooks. Everyone thought she was a dork. She did too. Now, it wasn't so simple. Picturing herself married to him? It was a joke she and Justin shared. She had a steady thought reminding her why it wasn't so easy to think of herself as his wife. It was some Jenny Jones, Ricki Lake babble about once a cheater, always a cheater. She gave too much faith in that rule. She saw it manifested in Lance, in Nick, in JC, and even thought that Justin might be capable of it again. Why not Joey? Why not the one person she learned to love more than Justin? Why not Flirty Spice? She didn't have to wonder when she was sitting across the table from it, at some fancy restaurant he picked out to woo her. She laughed at the idea of Joey taking her to a place he wouldn't like with food on the menu that he probably couldn't pronounce, even if he took classes on how to. She kept steady brown eyes on him while he tried to search for something as simple as burgers and fries on the menu. She didn't know why she agreed to be here with him? It has almost been a year. An entire year where they weren't together, where they weren't Britney and Joey, pop's second super-couple. She didn't mind all that much now. Six months ago, it killed her secretly. She shed most of her tears in hotel rooms and with her mother. She didn't bother to take her jacket off, not even when the waiter offered to take it for her. She didn't think she'd be there that long. She didn't even think her mouth could form a yes when he first invited her. She had avoided it for months, even when she thought there was a chance for them. They had grown closer, especially after Justin and Brian's anniversary. She at least entertained phone calls from him now and even smiled when he made some foolish joke. She didn't let it show in public though. She stayed close to her entourage and let him remain with *NSYNC. If there was a chance, it wouldn't show with the press around. Blonde hair was pushed behind her shoulders and she crossed her legs, lips closing when Joey glanced up. "Chicken or fish?" He asked coyly, attempting to find the sweetness he'd known in her. She folded her hands over her menu, squaring her eyes. "You'll like the chicken better," she replied simply before leaning back in her chair. He laughed and nodded, closing his menu. "You would know," he grinned, edging his hand across the table. She didn't reach for him. She didn't even try. Britney would've ran back to him in a second after the Video Music Awards. She had ignored all the rumors that Joey's new girlfriend was pregnant and even got past the idea that Joey danced with Kelly at *NSYNC's after party. But it hurt to know that a month later he was still with her. It hurt to know he said he and Kelly were through when they weren't. Justin told her it was just Joey's way of dealing with his anger and his lonesomeness. Chris told her that Joey talked about her all the time. JC once said that Joey's just a man that doesn't deal well with losing someone. Lance said Joey was horny and just needed someone to sleep with. Lance never lied to her. He never dressed it up in pretty pink dresses like JC and Chris did. He didn't avoid the negative like Justin tried to. He was honest with Britney and Britney knew she needed honesty. There was a hope inside of her that made her believe that Joey wasn't still seeing Kelly on any level. Not when he promised that this time he wanted to work things out. She had spent enough time without him. She knew how to numb herself to his eyes, his smile, and his arms that wrapped around her when she was cold and held her through love nights. She practiced being the ex-girlfriend and was pretty confident in her performance. But she knew practiced being without Joey forever. She wasn't qualified to play that role. "You don't have to say anything to me tonight, Brit. Just smile and listen," Joey said and his voice was so endearing that Britney did smile. She rolled her eyes gingerly and smiled, leaning back toward the table. She was numb to those eyes that smile, those arms, but not that voice. I wanna know why this feels so right I wanna know why you hold me tight Each and every night It keeps me up all night Thinking about all the things I like Can't believe you're in my life I wanna know why you're the one That thinks that they should've if you've already done God sent you straight to me You make me wanna sing la, da, da, da... "Why is it so easy for you to believe I'm willing to take you back?" Britney asked him, head tilted thoughtfully, looking for a real answer, not something sweet and romantic. She could see his hand drawing back but she didn't want to look away from his face. She stared with small eyes, wondering without hesitation. "It's not an issue of that with me, Britney. I think more about what my life would be like if I let this end the way it did back in February. It might be selfish of me, but I don't want to let you go," Joey replied, his voice showing mild signs of confidence. Britney laughed sardonically. She shook her head and sat back again. Her eyes were wide now. "Don't want to let me go? Joey, you've done that already. You spent this year with Kelly and *NSYNC and everything but me." Britney boasted her tone light but filled with resentment. She eyed him, curled her upper lip when he sighed. The truth hurt. She pressed her fingers to her glass of water, collected the beads of moisture on one side. "You make it sound like I was happy," Joey brooded, turning his eyes from her. "You were happier than I was. I stayed single, hoping that things would work out. You, on the other hand, made the best of your time and made it seem as if I was just a girl and not the one who loved you for almost three years." Britney brooded, her eyes on the water and not Joey. This time Joey was the one laughing. He ducked his head and ran his eyes over Britney's still expression. "You sound like one of those songs JC wrote for Wild Orchid," he noted through a giggle. He thought to stop laughing when he saw her body language, but he would not be defeated. He didn't want the night to be another night of arguing about where they went wrong. He wanted it to be about happier things. If he didn't have those things, he didn't have Britney. Joey tapped her foot under the table, made a motion for her hand. She was quick. She laid her hands in her lap, lowered her lids with evident anger. "Smile," he requested, a broad grin already etched into his face. She shook her head and huffed. She was good at that. "You're fooling yourself Fatone," she said, her voice low and piano-like. She was good at making him feel unwanted when she was mad. He drew back his hand with stuttering uncertainty. "Then I guess I'll be a fool until you let me back in." He had to say it. It eased the pain, the aggravation that built a coffee black castle inside of his soul. But when you look at me, do you see you're wife? Can you picture us loving each other for life? Are you playing the role just like the rest? These are the questions that I ask myself If you another should come who's finer than me If she wanna take your love away Would you leave? Baby, please, answer these questions The air could've been heavier, but Britney wasn't in the mood. She threaded small fingers into her blonde mane, pulled it up and then let it fall back behind her shoulders. She thought about sighing, but hadn't she done that enough? How long could she wallow in misery? She was sure most women did it for years, never really getting past love. She wasn't one of them. A year? A year was too long for Britney. "Just tell me what it was, Joe. Honestly," she requested, slipping back against her chair. She cocked her head back, let her eyes stay on him until he shook and cleared his throat. "Truthfully, huh?" He laughed through nerves and she sensed him cracking. Didn't she see this on Ricki Lake before? "I think I deserve that much," she said with a nod. She deserved more, but she only asked for so much of Joey. If she couldn't have fidelity, she wanted honesty. Joey's throat was dry, but he didn't reach for his water. He could be a fool at times, but he knew what not to do with Britney. He knew not to lie this time. "I don't want to be too blunt, but I was horny that night. I'm a man. I'm a man who hadn't gotten any in months and I knew Kelly. We've known each other for like four years and it happened that easy. I'll admit that I didn't think clearly and never thought it'd all catch up with me. But it did," he said, his eyes on the table the entire time. He felt naked, stripped of that shield of safety he once had, when he wasn't trying to be Britney's everything again. "And so I lost you." He had to add the words because they were marinating in his mouth, leaving a bitter taste over his tongue. Britney wanted to laugh through agony. She smiled and shook her head, blinking in tears. She didn't mind Joey's bluntness. She welcomed it. She didn't welcome reality and preferred it to lay in the water while she walked the sand. It had been a thought of hers for awhile. Maybe she was a factor in the breakup? She didn't want to accept the idea, but denial wasn't her best feature. "Me?" She did laugh. She laughed with swelling tears burning against mascara. "You were horny and didn't have me. Even if I was there, you didn't have me;" she tried to laugh out. It wasn't working and when she laid a hand on the table, Joey rested his on top of it. Could this be my whole fantasy? Maybe you could just be too good for me If I don't wait, then I won't see Cause if I'm not the one you met, then who isn't me? In the midst of the tears that'll come I love you more and more and more I never longed for no one, yes, it's true Seem like these questions leave me here with you Sometimes, Britney wondered if anyone regretted their decisions in Hawaii? She pondered if maybe JC regretted proposing to Lance or if Nick regretted attending the marriage between Justin and the man he loved? She thought about Leighanne and if she regretted doing the things she did to Justin in Hawaii? What if Justin regretted getting married that soon? She didn't regret what she did in Hawaii. When asked about it, she knew how to avoid the topic in interviews. If her friends wanted to know, she never gave details. It was her secret. It was her piece of serenity and she didn't mind sharing it with only Joey. She knew her mother wasn't happy about it and Justin was more than a little shocked, but Britney was in love. She stayed in love. She doesn't think she ever fell out of love. She wanted to be the poster girl, Jessica Simpson virgin that the world loved, but she had her reasons. She had vision, dreams of marrying that man. Even when they were unsure, she was sure. She knew he was the one. When she thought she was pregnant, she thought he'd make the perfect father. When she was writing songs, she thought he was the prefect inspiration. When she looked at him on stage, she knew he was the perfect lover. "It's my turn for honesty," he said and her ears perked up so quickly. She titled her head and batted away tears. Her hand was burning under his, his finger tracing heart patterns across her soft skin. She was captured in the sweetness, remembering the touch like she remembered her name. She could hear Etta James singing in her mind when she looked at soft brown eyes. She swallowed words of past feelings when he parted his lips to speak. Where was she? She wasn't quite sure anymore. She just knew it was Joey and it was the Joey she fell for. "Do you still love me Brit?" He asked, a questionable tone leading her into his world. She giggled and blushed and then rolled her eyes. She was better than that. She couldn't be that easy. "Unfortunately," she replied, a thick accent wrapping the word up in sunflowers. She was just that easy for him. Joey parted a smile, a thankful one that eased the disillusion fogged between them. Petals of roses made up her skin as he ventured forward, fingers tracing her small wrist. He desired saying how he felt about her, how he thought of her, every night even when Kelly was in bed with him. Something stole his thunder and silenced his brooding waves. The scent of honey filled his mind when she smiled again, lost in a daze of maddeningly frank feelings. He sat back, let her waste away in her thoughts. "I admire you, Britney. You won't let yourself do things for a man just because he says he loves you. You hold out and make each time special for him and I think that's beautiful. It may not seem like I think that or it may sound like some article out of Cosmo, but it's how I feel. I loved that most about you baby," Joey spoke with glitter on his tongue and fairies flying in his words. Baby. It was always as simple as baby, wasn't it? Enough to mend hearts, stop arguments, seal unshared emotions, and revive the love between two people. Baby was small, maybe too small for most women, but it wasn't too small for Britney. She was without that word for months, only hearing it from Justin when he was lonely and talking about Brian. "So you dig my semi-virgin-like actions and yet, you sleep with another woman because I'm not giving you any?" Britney questioned, not angered, just curious. Joey nodded then chuckled because the words weren't there to explain his thoughts. "You're so ironic;" Britney laughed, staying steady under Joey's fumbling touch. "You're so right," Joey agreed nodding again with laughter that bubbled like champagne on New Years. Britney scrunched her nose the way Justin told her not to when she performed onstage. She lowered her head and found a peace in Joey's stare. "My turn, huh?" She wondered, lost in some game that she did not mean to start. But she couldn't stop it now. She just grazed her fingernails across the table and drew away from Joey again. She considered sipping her water, finding something other than him to focus on. "Do you ever think you'd want to actually get married.. to me?" To call it a loaded question was being nice. The words were so meaningful, so deep coming from Britney. She was usually a little more reserved about the topic. She spoke highly on Joey in interviews, claiming she'd love to marry him one day and how lucky she was. It was the usual banter from a happy Pop star. She had to make it good for the public. But she never made it good for herself. She never thought to further her discussions with Joey and left them dry. It was just her way of staying comfortable in her relationship with him. She never returned to the subject of children, not even a week after her pregnancy scare. She figured it was best for her sanity more than his. It's not that it didn't cross her mind because every day it did. But to talk about it meant to reveal feelings and to reveal feelings meant that she'd have to admit that she wanted to be pregnant. She wanted something to take her away from the life she had to lead, the work she threw herself into, the loneliness she dealt with on the road, and something to keep Joey by her forever. If you.. really wanna be with me Then I'll say.. I'll love you endlessly One thing.. that I really wanna know Will this end or will this roll? Now if you.. really wanna be with me I'll love you endlessly One thing.. that I really wanna know Will this end or will this roll? Somewhere between sipping on his water and asking the waiter how much longer for the food, Joey managed to smile at her and give her half an answer with his expressions. He sighed, snuck his fingers across the table to hold hers. "I never told you and I made Lance swear not to tell you this, but I was going to propose on New Years. I had planned on doing it, without the ring, just to see if you thought we were ready. I told Lance he couldn't propose to Bryce until me and you were married. He promised me he wouldn't and he's stuck to that promise for me," Joey explained with one breath. Britney was sure she saw blush against the scruff on his face. "Why didn't you..." He didn't let the words come. He shook his head and she knew not to speak. There was a seriousness, an urgency strewn into his appearance. "It's not your turn," he said, a crooked grin melting away sullen beauty. She nodded and waited. He coughed and ducked his head. He didn't have to think about it and she could almost read his every thought. "Would you?" He wondered with a shyness she only saw in Justin and JC. Never Joey. He was confident if not cocky when he wanted to know things. But it was there, if not hidden by some angelic light that Britney found shining on him. She giggled and just nodded because she knew he wouldn't ask now, but an option was what he wanted. "Meet you at the jeweler tomorrow," he joked but she wondered if a piece of him was serious? He seemed content just knowing she was open to him. Still something twinkled in his eyes when he talked through dinner and something glowed when he walked her to her front door. She didn't let him stay that night. She couldn't because she knew they weren't there yet. She accepted his call, late afternoon the next day while she was in the studio. It felt like hours of talking about every thing important to them but it was mere minutes. She called him again from the car and he told her that he loved her. She smiled and giggled with her girlish joy when he say, "Love you Brit-Brit." She knew he was serious and felt no need to question him. When you look at me, do you see you're wife? Can you picture us loving each other for life? Are you playing the role just like the rest? These are the questions that I ask myself If you another should come who's finer than me She wanna take your love away Would you leave? Baby, please, answer these questions The End. --- Story inspired by: "Questions," performed by Blaque --- *** Forgive me if the lyrics are not perfect. I tried. *** E-mail compliments, complaints, song ideas, good conversation to: catsfan1@hotmail.com