Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 05:06:34 -0400
From: DLS <dls_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Sun From Both Sides Part 8

	Once again, huge thanks need to go out to Karen and Scotty T for
reading over what is to come.  Thanks also to Drewbie, just for being
Drewbie.

	And of course, thank you to Matt.  There are far too many things to
thank you for, boo, so I guess just thank you for everything.  SHMILY,
sweetie. :)

	Disclaimer is the same as it ever was.  Nothing contained in this
story is meant to in any way represent or depict real life.  Well, except
for the fact that apple butter and bacon sandwiches are the perfect
breakfast food.  That part is true, but that's it.  The rest is all
fiction.  It is, however, fiction that has a decidedly adult slant to it.
If you're not of age or shouldn't be reading this for some reason, please
stop reading now.  Otherwise, enjoy!

	PART 8

	I woke up lying on my stomach, with my left hand under my pillow
and my right hand resting on Brian's stomach as he slept.  I took a moment
to convince myself that he was really there, and that the night before
hadn't been a dream, then slipped out of bed to answer Nature's call.

	Locating my underwear and a t-shirt, I pulled them on and wandered
out into the hall, making sure to close the door behind me.  We had kicked
off the covers during the night, and Brian was pretty much spread-eagle on
the bed, which I decided no one but me needed to see.

	Flipping on the light in the bathroom and locking myself in, I
quickly took care of business, and decided to take the time to brush my
teeth while I was up.  That way I could complain about Brian's breath when
he finally woke.

	Standing in front of the mirror, I found a huge smile on my face.
I tried, but I couldn't stop so I decided it could stay.  "Lucky bastard,"
I told myself, bringing my hand up to brush my hair back off of my
forehead.  It was definitely time for another cut.

	Without looking away from my face, I reached out and turned the
water on to wash my hands.  I moved them under the stream of water, finally
looking down to pay attention to what I was doing, and froze.  There was a
ring on my finger.  My left ring finger, to be exact, and it hadn't been
there the night before.  I lifted my hand again and inspected the ring
closely, already knowing where it had come from and fearing what it meant.

	It looked to be a platinum band, with a celtic knot design running
around it.  At equal distances around the outside of the ring were four
circles, worked into the weave of the knot.  Within three of the four
circles was a symbol, and the fourth one was blank.

	The symbols looked very familiar, but it took me a couple of
minutes staring at them to think of where I had seen them before.  They
were runes, though I couldn't remember what they meant.  I remembered Brian
reading one of my rune books during our stay at the cabin, but I hadn't
realised that it had this much of an affect on him.

	Hopping up on the vanity, I turned the ring around and inspected it
closely.  The detail was incredible, and I knew that he must have had it
specially made for me.  Slipping it off of my finger, I inspected the
inside of the band, and found a simple leaf pattern running all the way
around.  It truly was a beautiful ring, but the meaning behind it scared
the hell out of me.

	I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that it was just a gift,
and that there was no higher meaning than to be something nice to make me
happy.  But I knew that if that were the case, he would have given it to me
the night before with the letter box.  Especially after I had given him two
gifts.  He would have felt the natural yet absurd need to 'even the score.'

	No, there was more to it, and we were going to have to talk about
it before anything else happened.  If the ring was what I thought it was,
we were definitely going to have to talk.

	Slipping off of the vanity, I headed back to the bedroom,
completely forgetting about brushing my teeth.  I grabbed a towel on my way
out the door to dry my hands, already noticing the way the ring felt
underneath the material.

	I entered the room determined to wake Brian up and talk to him
right away, but that determination faltered when I caught sight of him.  He
had rolled over in his sleep, and was now in what resembled the fetal
position, hugging my pillow to him.  He had a small, satisfied smile on his
face and I watched as he moved his head slightly, nuzzling into the pillow
more.

	Leaning down, I gathered the blankets from the foot of the bed and
spread them back over him, deciding that giving him a few more minutes
wouldn't hurt anything.  And, it would give me a chance to figure out what
I was going to say to him.

	I started for the reading chair in the corner, but made a quick
stop at the bookshelves first, pulling down one of my books on runes.  I
sat in the chair, pulling my feet up under me and spreading my lap quilt
over my legs, then started flipping through the book until I came across
one of the runes from the ring.

	It looked like an angular upper-case letter 'P', and the book
identified it as WYNN, the rune of joy and balance.  According to the book,
it signified inner understanding, and a need to bend with the wind rather
than against it.  It was the symbol of joy and fulfillment through hard
work.  Well, that made sense.  If there was anything that I had been trying
to do with the last five weeks of my life it was trying to achieve inner
understanding, and it had lead to the fulfillment of being back with Brian.

	The last sentence on the page caught my attention and I read it
several times.  It said that the rune signified both a conclusion and a new
beginning.  That definitely applied to Brian and I.

	Turning the ring one-quarter turn, I found what appeared to be an
upper-case letter 'X'.  GEOFU, or 'gift' according to the book when I
located it.  This one was also obvious in the way that it applied to my
relationship with Brian.  Associated with Venus, the goddess of love, GEOFU
signified the need for peace within one's self and with the rest of the
world.  It also served as a reminder of the responsibility of love.  One
must return just as much as one receives in order to retain the balance.

	I glanced up at the sleeping form with a frown.  I wasn't at all
sure that I could ever return the love that Brian had shown me.  He sighed
in his sleep, making me smile again as I watched his mouth move.  I did
love him, but did he know how much?  He had shown me very clearly, but had
I done the same?

	Shaking my head a little, I turned the ring and eyed the blank
circle there.  Why would he leave one circle blank?  Was I supposed to pick
out one of my own and add it in order to complete them?  I was about to
turn the ring again to get to the fourth circle when my brain rolled over,
shaking loose a half-memory.

	Going with the instinct, I flipped through the pages faster, coming
to the end of the runes listed.  There was a blank one.  Left blank, WYRD
represented fate, and the message that it conveyed was one of immutable
fate, karma, or destiny.  The reason Brian had picked it was obvious, but
it became more so the further I read.

	WYRD also represented the blank face that must be worn.  It stood
for the things that we must keep secret from the rest of the world.  If
that wasn't a perfect fit for our situation, I didn't know what was.  I
glanced up quickly as he rolled over on the bed, now facing me.  He had
obviously put a lot of effort and thought into this.

	Turning my attention to the fourth and last rune, I found a
diamond, or an angular lower-case letter 'o'.  It didn't take long for me
to find it in the book.  It seemed to be one of the more popular ones, and
was mentioned often.  ING, the rune representing fertility.

	I frowned a little bit as I read, wondering how fertility would
apply to Brian and I, but it soon became clear.  According to the book, ING
was a rune of completion, signalling the bringing together of two parts to
make a whole, and indicated a new child, or simply a new idea or venture.
The changes indicated by the occurance of ING in a runecast heralded
happiness and fulfillment.

	One of the last paragraphs grabbed and held my attention.  It said
that one of the things that was strongly associated with ING was the
orgasm, which was defined as 'the little death that plants the seeds of new
life.'  Aside from the clear reproductive meaning of that, I took my own as
I knew Brian had.  I had suffered a little death, and come close to making
it into a real, palpable, final one.  Out of that had come my renewed life
with Brian at my side.

	The very last thing that was mentioned about ING was that the
eventual outcome of the venture indicated was shown by the surrounding
runes.  I certainly hoped that was true.

	Closing the book, I set it on the table beside my chair and got up
again.  I took down the other three books on runes and runecasting from the
shelf and returned to my seat.  I checked the runes in each of the books,
looking for other interpretations of their meaning.  But, aside from
alternate pronunciations and slightly different symbols, they all basically
agreed with the first book.

	Adding those books to the other one, I sighed and sat back in the
chair, putting my feet up on the edge of the table and staring out the
window, absent-mindedly twisting the ring on my finger.  Was it a proposal,
or was it just a symbol of the rebirth of our relationship, meant to
reassure me and let me know how dedicated to me he was?

	There was only one person who could answer that.  Well, maybe
three, but Nick wasn't there, and Kevin was still asleep as well.  As I
swiveled the chair away from the window, my eye caught a flash of light
from the window seat across the room.  It was the morning sun, flashing off
of the brass latch of the letter box Brian had given me.

	'Wait until later for that one too,' Brian had said when I found
the letter inside of the box.  I wondered if this was the later he had been
talking about.

	I had been about to finally wake him up, but instead I passed by
the bed and moved the rest of my things off of the window seat.  Lifting
the letter box, I sat down, leaning my back against the cushion that lay
against the wall.  I read the inscription on the front of it again and
smiled to myself as I lifted the lid.

	I took out the letter that Brian had written me and broke the seal
on the back.  Unfolding the two pages of stationery inside, I smiled as I
caught sight of the first word written in Brian's thin script.

	'Nathaniel,

	'If things have gone the way I planned, you're reading this after
finding the ring I put on your finger while you were sleeping.  Knowing
you, you're probably sitting there waiting for me to wake up so that we can
talk about this.  Please let me sleep.  With a little luck, you wore me out
last night.'

	I smiled and looked up at him for a moment, then bent my attention
back to the letter.

	'I know that you're going to over-analyse this, and I also know
that I would stumble all over myself trying to explain the way I feel about
you and about us.  So, I have stolen an idea from you and decided to put it
all down in this letter.  Besides, I needed something to put in your
present.

	'The ring on your finger is an engagement ring.  Make no mistake
about that.  I want you to be my husband, Nate.  Nothing would make me
happier than to stand up in front of our family and friends and celebrate
our love.

	'When I was watching JC and Matt get married, the only thing I
could think of was how much I wanted it to be us standing there, exchanging
our vows and giving ourselves to each other forever.  Marrying Leighanne
was the last thing on my mind.  I had seen you arrive just before the
ceremony, and I made up my mind to find you afterward and talk with you in
the hope that we could work things out.

	'But when I was able to get away and try to find you, you weren't
there.  I've spoken with Matt and JC, and they told me that you only stayed
long enough to wish them the best before leaving.  I imagine that me and
the rest of the guys were a big reason for that.

	'I almost called you when we got back from the wedding, but that
was around the same time that you stopped speaking to Kevin, and closed
yourself off in your emails to Nick.  It was clear that you didn't want to
hear from me, and I wanted to respect that.  Now that I know what was going
on, I wish I had called anyway.  Maybe we could have straightened things
out before they got so bad.

	'We've already lost a year to my stupidity, and another year to my
mother's vindictiveness, Nate.  I don't want to lose another second with
you.  I want you to be the last person I see at night, the first person I
see in the morning, and the only person in my dreams.  Forever.

	'You know what the beautiful thing about writing this is?  You
can't argue with me or try to over-rationalise the situation.  Sometimes
your rational side is the one I dislike most, I think.  While I understand
why you like to keep your mind working, sometimes you've just got to go
with your gut instead.  I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life
with you.  It's a simple thing, sweetie, with a simple solution.  We get
married.  Or, as close to it as we can.

	'I love you , Nathaniel.  Marry me.

	'Brian'

	I read the letter again through the tears that were trying to rise
in my eyes, then folded it and put it back in the envelope, running my
fingers along the edges of it as I thought about the situation.

	I knew I had a tendency to think too much, but it was the way I'd
always been, and I didn't expect it to change.  Not only did it let me keep
my mind from going places that I didn't want it to go, but it also helped
me with my writing.  It allowed me to put myself into a situation and see
the details.  Not just what was there, but how and why it was there.

	Were things ever as simple as Brian was making it sound?  I had my
doubts.  There were always variables to consider, and things to be worked
out.  Working from my gut was definitely not my strong suit.

	"Nate?"

	I looked over to find Brian sitting up on the bed, wiping at his
eyes.

	"Right here."

	His head turned toward the sound of my voice, and he smiled even
before he dropped his hands from his eyes.  "What are you doing up?"

	"I woke up a little while ago."

	"Why didn't you come back to bed?"

	"When I got back from the bathroom, you looked like you were quite
content humping my pillow.  Didn't want to break up the love-fest," I
smiled.

	Brian blushed and put my pillow back where it belonged.  "So what
have you been doing?"

	"Thinking."

	"Thinking about what?"  I arched my eyebrow and moved my hand into
the light so that it would reflect off of the ring.  "Oh."  By the
expression on his face, he knew what was coming.

	"Brian, we have to talk."

	"Did you read my letter?"

	I held it up.

	Brian sighed and ran his hands through his hair.  "Okay.  I guess
it was too much to hope for to not have to talk this to death.  But can we
at least be in the same part of the room?"

	I knew that he was trying to keep the disappointment out of his
voice, but it wasn't working.  'Talk this to death' wasn't the most
encouraging expression.  I let out a sigh of my own and put the letter into
the letter box, noting that I still had the letter from Matt and JC to read
as well.  I closed the box and joined Brian on the bed.

	"Look, Brian--"

	"Are you saying no?"  Talk about getting to the point.

	"It's not that simple."

	"I think it is, Nate.  Do you love me?"

	"Of course I do."  I dropped my gaze, staring at the ring as I spun
it on my finger with my thumb.

	He moved over beside me on the bed, sitting with his leg resting
over mine, and his hand on my back.  "Do you want to be with me forever?"

	"More than anything else."

	"Well, I love you and want to be with you too," he said, putting
his finger under my chin and making me look at him.  "What more is there?"

	I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I was afraid that he would
misinterpret it as acceptance rather than an attempt to give and take
comfort.  Reaching up, I took his hand in mine and lowered it from my face.

	"There's lots more to it, Brian.  I love you, and you love me.  And
we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  That's wonderful, and
more than a lot of people ever find, but I can't marry you.  Not yet.
Nothing's ever as simple as that, Brian.  Not in my life."

	"That's because you won't let it," Brian let go of my hand and
leaned back against the headboard of the bed.  "Why can't you just do
something because you want to?"

	"You really think we can do something like this because we want
to?"

	"Yes!"

	"Brian, we've got to be *ready* for it!  You might be ready, but
I'm not."

	"What's holding you back?"

	"I am!  Jesus, Brian.  A month and a half ago I was lying in the
bathroom bleeding to death."  I saw the wince, though he tried to cover it.
Dammit, I hadn't wanted to bring this up, but he wasn't leaving me much
choice in the matter.  "I thought my life was over, and now I'm sitting
here thinking about committing to forever with you.  I can't do that yet.
So if you have to have a concrete answer, I have to say no."

	"You said we wouldn't lose any more time together," Brian mumbled,
watching as I started to twist the ring on my finger again.

	I looked down as well, catching the image of GEOFU again as it
passed.  I thought back to the part about the responsibility to give as
much love as one receives, and wondered if this wasn't the ultimate way to
show Brian how much I loved him.

	I sighed again and drew my thoughts back from that road.  Getting
married wasn't a way of proving a point.  It was an expression of love, not
the proof of it.  I slipped the ring from my finger and put it in his
hands.  My heart broke to see the expression on his face as I closed his
fingers over it.

	"I'm not leaving you again, Brian, but I can't commit to forever
until I'm sure.  Not sure of you or of us, but sure of me.  I've started
putting the pieces back together.  You're the most important and the
largest piece, but you're not the only one.  I have fences to mend with my
friends and family, and I have to see if my writing is going to continue."
He started to open his mouth, but I put my hand up to stop him.

	"I know that I finished the book for you, but that's a totally
different thing than starting a new one.  Especially one that I want
published.  That was hard before.  Now it seems almost impossibly hard, but
I'm going to try it.  Whether it works or not remains to be seen, but I
have to know."

	"You'll do it."  The surety in his voice was enough to make my
doubts quiet, but they were still there.  I wanted so badly to believe him,
but there was still a lot to prove.

	"I hope so and I think you're right, but I can't say for sure until
I've actually got a project past the point where it might die on me.  I've
got to figure out where I stand here before I take on more."  I regretted
it the moment it came out of my mouth.

	"So, what?  Being with me is just too much of a burden on you?"
Brian asked, his eyes narrowing just a little.

	I reached out and grabbed his hand, locking my fingers with his
before he could pull it away from me.  "Don't ever think that.  Being with
you is the best thing I have in my life.  Some days, it's been the only
thing that kept me going and got me through my sessions with Dr. Lauler.
But that doesn't mean that I'm ready to get married.  It's not fair.  It's
not fair to you.  I can't just pile all of this extra stuff on you."

	"You're doing it again," he said.

	"Doing what?"

	"Making my decisions for me.  Let me decide what's fair for me."

	"I can't do that.  This isn't like not visiting me in the hospital,
where you had all the information and could act on that.  You don't know
what's going to be going on with me over the next few months or more,
Brian.  It's going to be pretty difficult."

	"I'm ready for that."

	"No you're *not*.  That's the point.  First of all, I don't want
you to have to be ready for it.  You're going to be involved enough as my
boyfriend.  I'm going to be leaning on you a lot, along with everyone else,
while I try to get back on my feet again.  I won't tie you down to me until
I can stand on my own again.  I told you a long time ago that I didn't want
to be half of one, but one of two.

	"And you're not ready for what's coming, Brian.  You can't be,
because *I'm* not ready for what's coming, and it's my second time through.
You know it's going to be hard, and you're right.  But you don't have a
clue how hard.  I can't do this and have to think about dragging you along
just because I have your ring on my finger.  I won't obligate you like
that."

	Brian shook his head.  "You make it sound like a long-term lease on
an apartment, Nate.  I'm going to be with you anyway, why not as your
husband?"

	"Because I don't think I can handle the added stress of knowing
that I've obligated you to do this with me.  As it stands, you can walk
away from this if it gets too hard for you.  I know you don't think that
you ever would, but even if you wouldn't, I want -- need -- to know that
you can.  I couldn't stand the thought of putting all of this on your
shoulders unless I know that you can give it back if you need to."

	"I wouldn't do that."

	"No, I don't think you would.  But I need to know that you can.
That's why I can't accept that ring.  It's an obligation that I can't ask
of you."

	He sat and watched me for a moment, guaging my expression.  When he
finally spoke, the anger had gone from his voice.  While I was glad about
that, I didn't like the hint of fear that had replaced it.  "You aren't
just saying that because you're having second thoughts about us?"

	My surprise must have registered on my face, because his expression
changed immediately, and he seemed almost embarrassed about having asked.
"No, I'm not having second thoughts.  We belong together, and someday I
want that ring back on my finger, but we can't now.  *I* can't now.  I have
to be able to go into it knowing that I can make you happy, rather than
just pile my baggage on your shoulders."

	"What about getting engaged and leaving the wedding until you're
totally ready?"

	I so wanted to give him that much.  "We can't be legally married,
Brian.  An engagement is, right now, as far as we can take it, which makes
it an even bigger deal for both of us than it would be.  In my mind, it's
as good as a wedding ceremony, because it's the highest level of
committment that we can make right now.

	"I realise that a lot of this sounds like I'm splitting hairs, and
maybe I am, but that's the way I see it, and I won't commit to you until
I'm sure about what I'm bringing into the committment."

	"Answer me one question."

	I closed my eyes for a second.  In my experience, when someone said
that, they were getting ready to ask a doozy of a question.  Bracing
myself, I agreed and opened my eyes again.

	Brian took my hand and looked into my eyes.  "Will you marry me?
Not tomorrow, or next week, or next year even.  When you're ready, will you
marry me?"

	"As long as--"

	He grabbed my chin and made me return my gaze to his.  "As long as
a lot of things," he said.  "When you're ready.  I understand that there's
a lot you have to clean up in your life, but *when* you're done that, will
you marry me?  I'm looking for a one word answer, Nate.  And so help me, if
you say maybe, I'll punch you out right here and now."

	I smiled at the glint that returned to his eye as he said that
last, and nodded.  "Yes.  When I'm done piecing my life back together, or
at least done enough to see what the final picture's going to look like,
I'd like nothing more."

	Brian's smile surfaced again, and he slipped the ring back on my
finger.  My right-hand ring finger this time.  "Then you wear this for me.
When the time's right, we'll put it back over.  You're right about the
engagement being a bigger deal since we can't actually be married.  So,
we're going to be engaged to get engaged at some undetermined point in the
future."

	I looked down at the ring and sighed.  It looked so good on my
hand, and felt so right.  Brian grabbed my hand as I started to take the
ring off again.  "And," he said quickly, "if at any time before we get
engaged, I feel like it's too much to handle, I promise to talk to you and
we'll discuss whether we move forward.  No obligation to stay if I don't
think I can do it."

	"Brian--"

	"And that ring doesn't leave your finger for a second until I get
to put it back on the finger it belongs on or I take it back.  Nate, I'll
wait for as long as I have to, but I need this.  Please give me this much."

	I thought about it.  If we were a regular hetero couple, we would
be getting engaged.  That was a huge step, but one that, under different
circumstances, I would take in a second.  I didn't doubt our love, but
Brian needed to be sure of who it was that he loved, and at the moment, I
wasn't even sure of who I was.

	"No obligation to you?"

	"I can drop you like a hot potato," he grinned, knowing that I was
caving.

	"That's a pleasant thought," I said, returning the grin.

	"It's an unthinkable thought."  Brian's expression quickly became
serious.  "Nate, you asked me to wait to marry you until you're ready.
I'll do that, but I'm asking you for something in return.  I'm asking for a
committment from you to try to get ready.  I want to be able to be out on
tour, or in the studio, and know that you're mine, and that you can just
look down at your hand and know I'm there.  That we're there for each
other."

	I was already going to be trying to get to the point where I could
marry Brian.  So, basically, he was asking for a gesture from me showing my
committment to something that I was already committed to.  That, I could
do.

	I nodded and grinned at him.  "Can this count as your birthday
present?"

	"No.  You've still got to find me something extravagent and
beautiful for my birthday."

	"Extravagent and beautiful, eh?  How about me with a big ribbon
around me?" I laughed.

	"Will you be wearing the ring?"  Brian arched his eyebrow and
smiled.

	I looked down at the ring and smiled.  "It's so nice-looking on me,
it would be a crime to take it off again."

	"Then..."  He was going to make me say it.

	"Then, I guess you're engaged to be engaged to be married to a 25
year old basket-case."

	Brian grinned and pulled me into a hug.  "As long as he's my
basket-case, I'm happy."

	"Brian?"

	"Yeah?"

	"When we get married, does that mean I get to stop being the 'other
woman'?"

	"What?"

	"You're already married."

	He rolled his eyes and looked at me.  "Minor technicality."

	"Hardly minor.  What are we going to do?"

	"I don't know, sweetie.  Leighanne knows that it's over, and she
knows about you.  We're still married on paper, though.  How much longer
that lasts, I don't know.  Personally, it works well for us if she and I
stay married, but I don't want to tie her down like that.  So, I honestly
don't know."

	"I want to meet her."

	"That shouldn't be a problem.  She's been wanting to meet you since
shortly after I told her about you."

	"Shortly after?"

	He smiled.  "It took her a little while to come to terms with the
fact that I was in love with another man.  Quite a while, actually.  She
wasn't very impressed.  But, once she got over the shock of it, she came
around pretty quickly.  Nick and the guys all helped with that.  And she
wants to meet you."

	"You should have brought her."

	"I asked her, but she decided against it.  She said it would be
awkward for us to have her around.  So, you're supposed to come visit me
soon so that you can meet her."

	"The wife and the mistress in the same room?" I teased.  "You sure
you're up for it?"

	His grin came forth to greet me.  "I think so.  In my mind you're
my wife already.  But she's agreed to keep it up at least until we take
care of my mother.  That way, she won't know what's going on until it's too
late."

	I sighed and nodded, pulling him into another hug.  "Okay then,
we'll figure that out as we need to, I guess.  Now give me a kiss?"

	Brian continued to hug me as he dug his feet into the mattress and
shoved me.  I fell backward to the mattress, both of us laughing, as he
pressed his lips to mine.

	The kiss seemed to last forever, and yet was over too soon.  He
moved his lips to my neck while I tried to catch my breath.  I ran my hands
down his back, expecting to slip them into the waistband of his boxers.

	But his boxers were somewhere on the floor near the foot of the
bed.  As soon as the thought occurred to me, I realised that I could feel
Brian growing hard against my leg, and if we kept this up, a kiss was going
to be the least of what I got.  I smiled at the thought and let my hands
continue their journey.

	Brian seemed to think of the same thing at the same time, and
lifted his lips from my neck to glance at the bedside clock.  He sighed and
started to sit back up.  "I'm suddenly very aware that I'm naked," he
laughed, pulling the covers over himself.

	"And this is a bad thing?"

	"Being naked with you is never a bad thing," he grinned.  "But the
fact that your father is going to come barging in here in about ten minutes
to tell us that breakfast is ready is kind of an incentive to put something
on."

	I reached over and started to pull the sheets away from him again.
"I hardly think that, after what they probably heard last night, Dad is
going to barge in here ever again," I laughed.

	Brian giggled and pulled the sheets back up.  "Still, they'll know
what we're doing if we aren't out there."

	"And they'll think we were playing checkers last night?"

	Brian blushed, but stood his ground.  "I'm in town for two more
days.  We'll have lots of time.  I'd rather not give the guys any more ammo
than you already did."

	I laughed and let go of the sheets, leaning in for another brief
kiss.  "Okay, but I hardly think that it counts as ammo.  Trust me, it was
a compliment to you."

	"Do me a favour?"

	"Anything."

	"Bring that up when they start in on us?"

	"Deal."

	"Do me another favour?"

	"You got it."

	"Hand me my underwear?"



	I decided that, if Brian was going to be such a prude, I would take
the time before breakfast to unpack and get everything back in order.  I
would finally be settled in my own home again.

	I quickly hung up my clothes and unpacked my computer, setting it
up again on my desk.  The next thing to be unpacked was my picture of Brian
and I, which took it's customary spot on my nightstand.  Brian smiled and
picked it up.

	"God, we're cute," he laughed.

	"You're cute.  I'm sexy," I amended with a grin, putting my
suitcase under the bed and opening up the smaller bag that held my personal
stuff.

	"No argument here."  Brian reached out and snapped the waistband of
my boxers.

	"Hey!"  I swatted his hand away and took out my stationery box.  It
was going to need a refill.  Smiling, I took out one of the last pieces of
paper from the box and wrote myself a note to buy more, then packed the box
back into my desk, along with the disk that contained my only copy of 'The
Critical Exchange' and my pen.

	The last thing I took out of the bag was a bundle of letters.  They
were the responses to the letters I had sent out after I woke up in the
hospital.  I had specifically requested that people write me back, even if
we were going to be talking.  I wanted them to be able to take the time and
sort out their feelings rather than feel like they were on the spot when we
finally saw or talked to each other.

	Until the night before, I had received responses from everyone
except JC and Matt, though I had known that theirs was on its way.  I had
spoken with Matt a couple of times from the hospital.  Sometimes it helped
just to have someone else who understood on the other end of the line,
whether or not you talked about it.  Which we never had.  I hadn't wanted
to put it on him, and he seemed to sense my reluctance to talk about it,
and so he never brought it up.

	There was, of course, some understandable awkwardness between Matt
and I.  After what had almost happened between us, his letter had
definitely been one of the hardest to write.  The way things had been left,
I hadn't really expected much in the way of response.  Though, with Kevin's
delivery the night before, I guessed I was soon going to find out where
things stood.

	Looking through the envelopes in my hand, I wandered over to the
window seat, where my new letter box was still sitting.  I sat down as I
came to an envelope with Brian's handwriting on it.  The next four in the
stack were from each of the guys.

	They had been the hardest to get my letters to.  I couldn't send
them to their homes, because not only did they probably receive endless
numbers of unsolicited mail, but there was no way of knowing when they
would be home again.  And I couldn't send them to their management, because
they would have just been put with all the fan mail that they received.

	I had wound up having to wait until Brian had come to visit - with
AJ that time.  I snuck the five letters into Brian's backpack when he went
to use the washroom.  He had, predictably, found them and wanted to know
what I was doing.  I had made him promise not to read his until he was on
the plane going back, and to make sure that the others got to the guys.
Everyone else had been easy to get to.  They actually had addresses and
lived normal lives.

	"What are you smiling about?" Brian asked, sitting down beside me.
We were both wearing just our boxers.  Apparently Brian was satisfied that
it looked sufficiently innocent if someone did come barging in.

	I turned the envelope around to show him his own writing.

	"You didn't need to write those letters, you know.  At least, not
to me and the guys."

	"Yeah, I did.  It helped me sort things out, having to explain it
to everyone.  And don't even begin to tell me that I didn't owe Nick an
explanation.  I can't believe I didn't think about him being the one to
find me."

	"You did have other things on your mind," Brian pointed out,
resting his hand on my knee.  "It wasn't good stuff, but it was there, and
Nick knows that."

	"I know he does, but I also know that he's going to have that image
in his head forever.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it up to
him."

	"You don't have to--"

	"Brian, I have to.  Nick may not need me to, but I have to."

	"Okay, sweetie."  His hand rubbed my leg reassuringly.  "So have
you heard back from everyone?"

	I nodded and opened the letter box, taking the letter from JC and
Matt out.  "I have now.  Though I haven't read this one yet."

	"Then I'll let you read it."  He started to get up, but I pulled
him back, turning him on the seat and pushing him back against the wall.  I
then turned myself and leaned my back against his chest.  Brian's arms
immediately came around me.

	"Stay," I told him.  "I'm sure you're mentioned.  You can read all
of them, if you want."

	"No.  I'll stay for Matt's, but the rest are yours."

	"Suit yourself, but the offer stands."  I ripped open the envelope,
feeling something move around inside.  Tilting it up, a small medallion on
a chain fell into my hand.  I looked at it for a moment, not knowing what
it was, then pulled out the letter and opened it. Brian rested his head on
my shoulder to read with me.

	'Dear Nate,

	'Let me begin by telling you how good it is to hear from you
again. I won't tell you how much you had us worried, but I'm relieved to
learn that at least some good has come from it now that you and Brian are
back together. Though he's been down a lot with Kevin to see the baby, he's
not the Brian I first met at my home over a year ago. You're good for him,
and though I'd never tell the lunkhead so, he's good for you as well.'

	"Hey, who's he calling a lunkhead?" Brian asked, making me laugh.
I turned my face slightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him
that I'd be his basket-case if he'd be my lunkhead.  He grinned and turned
my face back to the page in front of me.

	'If I can distract JC long enough to write a few words without him
watching over my shoulder, I wanted to tell you how important being with
that person can be. Through ups and downs, my life with JC has been
blissfully happy, and I can no longer see myself without him. As you and
Brian do each other, he completes me. Through all the tragedies and
hardships, I can draw strength from him, strength I do not possess
alone. Learn to give and take that from Brian. It's worth more than you can
imagine.

	'I would be remiss if I did not point out that no apologies are
necessary where the wedding is concerned.  The day would have been sorely
lacking without your presence at the ceremony, like your place in our
lives. I do regret that I wasn't more observant.  I, of all people, should
have seen the signs. I hope *you* can forgive *me*.  Even considering my
history, I don't presume to know what drove you to that point in your life
again that you felt you had no way out, but I'm glad the Good Lord saw fit
to grace us with your presence a while longer (I know you're not a big
religious person, but bear with me, I did marry a Catholic, after all :)'

	"Can you believe him?" I asked, looking over at Brian.  "After all
I did, he turns around and asks *me* for forgiveness.  Like he wasn't busy
enough during the wedding.  Now he apologises for not being attentive
enough to play shrink?  That boy is one in a million."

	"Two in a million," Brian corrected.

	"What?"

	"There's two people like that.  JC found one, and I fell in love
with the other."  Brian started to nuzzle my neck again.  I heard him gasp
a little, but didn't pay much attention.

	His words had struck home, instantly taking me back to Matt's house
almost a year before.  I had actually been quite nervous about showing
Brian the letter from Matt, fearing just what it might contain.  But, Matt
and I had agreed never to talk about what had happened, and he had been
true to his word.  But Brian's words unnerved me slightly.

	"I'm not like that."

	"Bull.  If someone that you loved had tried what you did, and you
had seen them a few months before, you'd be kicking yourself in the ass
just like that.  Talking about how you should have noticed, and maybe you
could have helped.  Face it, sweetie: you're a good one.  The idea that you
might have been able to help would be driving you insane."  His lips
returned to my neck.

	I put my hand on the top of his head and pushed him away again.
"Stop that, or you'll give me a hickey."  I heard him laugh as I turned my
attention back to the letter.

	'I've missed the Nate I could talk to with such openness, but if
the letter was any indication, he just might not be as far away as I
thought. JC and I have wanted to tell him for a long time that we loved him
and that we'll be there for him, but I know that you've heard little else
of late. That being the case, I decided that deeds said more than words, so
enclosed you'll find a symbol of faith.

	'It's a St. Jude medallion, patron saint of lost causes. It was
given to me when I was a patient there almost a decade ago. It's not
necessarily testimony to some higher power, but rather faith in oneself and
a steadfast determination to walk your chosen path, secure in the knowledge
that all of your friends and loved ones are there for you, now and always.

	'Have a wondrous holiday season, and we'll see you soon.

	'Love,

	'Matt and his wonderful husband, JC (guess who made me add that
last part?)'

	I smiled and looked the letter over again, then folded it back up
and added it to the others.  "They're just too much," I said, looking at
the medallion in my hand again.

	Brian reached around me and took it out of my hands.  Opening the
clasp, he pushed me forward a little so that he could fasten it around my
neck.  I glanced down at my chest.  I was starting to look like Mr. T with
all these necklaces.  I was wearing the black cord one with the jade 'N'
hanging from it, the one that Nick had given me the night before, and now
the one from Matt.  Each was precious to me, and I didn't want to think
about taking any of them off.

	My consolation came from the fact that Brian was almost as laden as
I was.  He was wearing two.  The one from Nick, and the medallion that I
had given him that first time we were to be parted.  The one that had
belonged to my father, and had meant so much to my mother and I.  Brian had
reclaimed it during his second trip to visit me in Westvale.

	He'd gone to the apartment himself to get it, and wound up spending
the afternoon there alone.  'Trying to find me' was how he put it when I'd
asked what he'd been doing.  At the time, I'd thought it best not to ask
what exactly he'd meant.  It had clearly shaken him up, so I hadn't fought
him when he'd changed the subject.  I knew from Nick that he hadn't taken
it off since then.

	"That must mean a lot to Matt," he said, indicating the medallion
and catching my attention again.  "It's seen him through everything twice
now."

	I nodded, not trusting myself to speak quite yet.  The medallion
was definitely a special gift.  Not something that Matt would give up
lightly, and I was sure that he would know that I would understand that and
appreciate it.  I decided to work even harder to get my life back in order,
in order to feel like I deserved Matt's faith in me.

	I was now wearing three tokens of other's faith in my ability to
pull myself together.  And all represented promises to me.  Brian knew of
my promise to him, but Matt and Nick didn't.  Whether they would find out,
I didn't know, but it didn't make it any less real.

	One other thing became clear to me as well.  I was going to find a
token of my own faith.  Something that I could look back on in the
difficult periods and remember how strong I felt at that very moment.  How
determined I was, and sure of myself.

	"Penny for your thoughts."

	I looked back at Brian and smiled.  "Just thinking about symbols,
and my need to find one."

	"Huh?"

	I'm sorry, but there just isn't an uglier syllable in the English
language than 'huh'.  I grinned and made a mental promise to work on
getting him to say 'eh' instead.  "I was thinking that I've got a symbol on
my finger from you, and one around my neck from both Nick and Matt.  And I
need one from myself, you know?  Something to think about and show my faith
in myself."

	"How about a tattoo?"

	That was interesting.  And something that I probably would never
have thought about on my own.  But what would I get?  "Do you have any idea
how long it's going to take me to think of a design?" I asked with a smile.

	"What about a pen?  One of those feathery ones, like Shakespeare
would have used?  Laying in front of a bottle of ink or something?"

	I discarded it immediately.  "Too cheesy."

	"How about a big dragon all the way across your back?"

	I laughed.  "I don't think so."

	"Ring of thorns around the arm is always good."

	"Too overdone."

	"Heart that says 'mom'?"

	"Too tacky."

	"Anchor with a snake?"

	"Too Popeye."

	"Naked woman?"

	"Too hetero," I laughed.

	"Big picture of my face across your chest?"

	"You just want to be able to kiss yourself without feeling stupid
in front of the mirror."  I grinned and sat up.  "I'll have to give it some
thought.  But I'm sure as hell not doing it until I'm sure.  I don't want
to be ninety with a picture of an old pop star on my chest."

	I jumped away before Brian could grab me and ran for the closet.

	"What are you doing?"

	"It's almost eleven.  Thought I'd see if anyone else is up yet.
Since you already ruled out anything fun, we may as well make the best of
the morning."  I smiled and pulled down a long-sleeve light shirt.

	Aside from Brian, Andy and her parents, and the staff at the
hospital, no one had seen the scars on my arms, and I wasn't ready for
anyone to.  Everyone knew they were there, but I'd taken to wearing
long-sleeve shirts almost exclusively.  The only time my arms were bear was
when I was alone or only with Brian.  Slipping the shirt over my head and
making sure that the sleeves hung down over my palm a little bit, I held my
hand out to him.

	We'd talked about it, and I knew Brian didn't like my hiding my
wrists, but he didn't say anything as he came over and took my hand, and we
walked down the hall together.  The first thing that became clear was that
we needn't have worried about being interrupted.  It didn't look like
anyone was awake yet.  Brian and I stopped inside the living room doorway
and smiled.

	Kevin and Kristin were both still asleep, and she had her face
nuzzled into Kevin's shoulder.  Kevin's arm was around her shoulders,
holding her close, and both were smiling.

	Brian chuckled and nodded toward AJ and Howie.  They were the
complete opposite of Kevin and Kristin.  AJ was on the edge of the mattress
on one side and Howie was on the edge on the other side.  They were laying
with their backs to each other.  There was enough room between them to fit
at least two more people.

	I laughed and headed for the kitchen.  I was betting that there was
going to be a need for coffee as soon as people started to rise.  Brian
came with me and jumped up on the counter as I got the coffee pot started.

	I was just finishing up when Mom came shuffling into the room in
her housecoat and slippers.

	"Morning," she said, looking like she was more than half asleep
still.

	"Morning.  What are you doing up?"

	"Dad and I flipped for cooking breakfast last night after we went
to bed.  I lost, so he's sleeping in.  I don't know why I let him talk me
into flipping for things.  In all the years we've been married, I've never
once beat him."

	"Glutton for punishment," I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Since we're up already, Brian and I will give you a hand."

	"Thanks, dear.  You could start by getting out some bread and
making toast.  I'll get started on the eggs and bacon.  We'll let the rest
of them sleep until it's ready."

	"What can I do?" Brian asked, preparing to jump off of the counter.
Mom put her hand out and placed it on his knee.

	"You sit there and look pretty for us," she smiled.

	"No, really, I can help--"

	"Don't bother," I grinned, pushing him back again.  "First, you
never contradict Mom.  When she's spoken, it's law.  Second, we've got it.
Mom's got the stove, and you don't want to get between her and her stove.
And all I'm doing is toast.  You stay there, or you can go back to bed if
you want."

	"I'll stay," he smiled as I pushed the button down on the toaster.

	"I was hoping you'd say that."

	Five minutes later, with everything under control, Mom announced
that she was going to go and start waking Dad up.  He was notorious for
being up one second, then sound asleep again the next.  It usually took a
couple of tries to get him out of bed if he didn't have to go to the
office.  Brian and I were left in charge of not touching anything while
keeping an eye on everything.

	As soon as she was out of the room, Brian threw his legs around me,
pinning me against the cupboards and against himself.

	"Brian--"

	"Shhhh.  We've only got a couple seconds," he smiled, kissing me.

	Things were starting to get interesting when Mom returned, heralded
by a smack from her wooden spoon -- right on my ass.  I jumped and just
barely managed to avoid clamping my teeth down, which would quite likely
have severed Brian's tongue.

	"Ow!"  I backed away from Brian and started rubbing where she had
hit me.  "If that bruises, lady, I'm charging you with child abuse!"

	"Is it bruising?" she asked with a grin.

	Brian grabbed the leg of my boxers with his toe and pulled them
down to check.  He came very close to giving Mom more of a view than she
could handle.  "Nope, no bruise.  Nice red mark though."

	"Brian!" I spun around, pulling my underwear back up.

	"What?  She asked, I checked."

	"Nice ass," Mom said, laughing and enjoying the shade of red I was
turning.

	"Don't call Brian names," I laughed, elbowing him in the stomach.

	"Hey!"

	"Sweetie, there is something that you can do."

	"What?"  He knew something was coming.

	"Go and get my robe for me?  I suddenly feel a little more exposed
than I like."

	Brian smiled and jumped off the counter.  "Okay, but I want it on
record that I'm not in favour of you covering up."

	"Noted, now go," I said, pushing him out the door.

	"He's a sweetie," Mom commented, as soon as he was out of earshot.
"So things are good between you then?"

	"Pretty good, yeah.  He asked me to marry him."  I tried my hardest
to say it without inflection, as though I was mentioning the weather, but I
detected a hint of unbridled joy in my own voice.

	"He WHAT?"  She spun around so quickly that little bits of egg flew
off the end of the spoon.

	I just smiled and held up my hand for her to see the ring.

	Grabbing my hand, she pulled the ring directly under the light,
spinning it on my finger.  "That's beautiful."

	"So's he," Brian said from the doorway, making us both look up at
him.  He had my robe in his hand, and was wearing his own.  Mom practically
bowled him over giving him a hug.  "Whoa!  Don't get too excited yet!  Nate
said no."

	"What?"

	"Not no, exactly," I explained as she turned to look at me.  "Just
not yet."  I explained my reasoning again as clearly as I could.  This
time, I had Brian to help, which made it a bit easier.

	"So you're not engaged, you're engaged to get engaged?"

	Brian and I smiled and nodded, joining hands.

	"But I'm going to get a wedding out of his eventually?"

	We smiled and nodded again.

	"My two boys," she said, pulling us both into a hug.  I smiled over
at Brian and noticed the grin on his face.  He was obviously happy at being
claimed like that.  "And no one else knows?"  She drew away, looking at us.

	I started to shake my head, but Brian gave a slight shrug.  "Nick
and Erron both knew I was going to ask him, but they don't know how it
turned out."

	"Erron knew about this?" I asked, surprised.  I had figured that
Nick would, and maybe Kevin, but not Erron.

	"Nick suggested we let him in on it," Brian explained, handing me
my robe and sitting back up on the counter.  I figured that he knew you
better than anyone but Andrea, so we told him.  He was really excited.  He
wants to be the best man."

	"Yours or mine?"

	"Don't think he cares," Brian laughed.

	"I'm so excited!" Mom gushed, turning back to the stove long enough
to make sure things weren't burning.  "What plans have you made? When is
the wedding?  Where is it going to be?  How many--"

	"Wait," I told her, putting my hand on her arm.  "No plans until
this ring changes fingers.  Not even one single little plan.  None."

	"But you've got to start thinking about this."

	"No, we don't.  That's part of the idea.  This is as big a step as
I'm comfortable with right now.  The next step, you can start planning all
you want."  I gave her a smile, then leaned and gave her a kiss on the
cheek as well.  "Until then, no plans."

	"No plans," she conceded.

	"Promise?"

	"You need a promise from your mother?"

	"You afraid to give one to your son?"

	Mom sighed and smiled.  "Can I have one plan?  Give me one plan!"

	Brian started laughing from the counter.  "Come on, Nate.  She's
going to burst if she doesn't get to do something now."

	I rolled my eyes and extended one finger.  "One.  One plan.  That's
it.  Any more than one plan, and you're not invited to the wedding."

	Mom smiled happily.  I knew she already had twenty plans going
through her head, but I also knew that she would keep them all to herself
until I wanted to hear tham.  She turned back to the stove and continued
with breakfast as I started more toast.  Brian and I shared a look, and I
knew that he was aware of what was going on in her head too.

	There was a quick knock at the door, then it opened and a whirlwind
of energy came swirling through, straight at me.

	"Uncle Nate!" Norry shouted, jumping at me.  I just reacted quick
enough to catch him and sweep him up, resting him on my hip.

	"What are you doing here?"

	"Aunt Andy brought me."

	"She did?"

	"I did," Andy said with a smile, stepping through the doorway, with
Carrie, Nick and Erron right behind.  She gave Brian a kiss on the cheek,
then started to give me one too, before pulling back.  "Damn, boy.  That's
quite the hickey you got there."

	Mom started to laugh, still facing the stove, and Brian looked as
though he was trying to shove the words back into Andy's mouth.

	"Quite the what?" I asked, looking from Andy to Brian.

	"Holy shit, Nate.  What happened to your neck?" Nick asked,
stepping into the kitchen.

	"Brian!"

	"I'm sorry, sweetie.  I didn't notice until it was too late."

	"What's a hickey?" Norry piped up.

	"Nothing you need to know about yet," I told him, setting him down
on the floor and unzipping his jacket for him.  "And something that's going
to get Uncle Brian a spanking."  I got his jacket off of him and then
worked on his boots.  Once he was out of them, I sent him in to wake up
Uncles Howie, AJ and Kevin, and Aunt Kristin.

	We all grinned as we waited, then heard a satisfying 'oomph' as
Norry jumped on AJ.  Norry started to laugh as AJ wrestled with him.  By
the sound of it, he managed to throw him on Howie to wake him up too.
Pretty soon the three of them were making enough noise to wake the dead.

	Right on cue, Dad walked out into the kitchen.  "What's all the
racket?"

	"The children in the living room," I said, smiling.

	"Ah.  Now, what happened to your neck?"

	Brian started to chuckle, and I smacked him in the leg.  "Nothing."

	"Doesn't have anything to do with all that noise last night, does
it?"  He asked it with a totally straight face.  If I hadn't already known,
I would have been able to figure out where Andrea got her evil streak.

	Brian started laughing, and no amount of smacking could get him to
be quiet.  "Unless you want a detailed description, I wouldn't ask again,"
I said, smiling at Dad.

	"What's this about noise last night?" Nick said quickly, testing
me.

	"Well, Brian and I were going to bed, and he was going to unpack my
stuff," I started.  "But, I was more interested in having sex with him, so
I stopped him and we got undressed instead.  After we were undressed and on
the bed--" I cut off as Mom put her hand over my mouth.  I breathed a
mental sigh of relief.  I'd been hoping she'd shut me up sooner, and
wondering what I was going to do if she hadn't.

	"Don't encourage him," she told Nick with a smile.

	"Come on, it was just getting to the interesting part!"

	I laughed and removed Mom's hand.  "Tell you what Nick.  I'll tell
about my night, if you tell about yours."  Nick shut up instantly, and a
lovely red colour rose on his face.  Erron matched him nicely.  "I thought
so," I added smugly.

	"Okay, birthday gift for Brian: muzzle," Andy laughed, heading into
the living room to see what Norry was up to.

	"I'm not the one who needed it!" Brian called after her.

	"Dammit, we're never having sex again unless there's no one around
for miles," I laughed, following Andy and enjoying the look on Brian's
face.






	Breakfast was served, and was going fine until Erron decided to
start things up again.

	"So, Nate.  New ring?"

	Bastard.  He used just the right tone to get everyone's attention,
too.  Andy reached across the table and took my hand, inspecting the ring.

	"Nice."

	"Thank you," I smiled.  "Brian gave it to me."

	"Isn't it on the wrong finger?" Nick spoke up with a smile.

	"Does anyone else get the feeling that they know something we
don't?" Howie asked the table.  He was answered with a nod from everyone
but Mom, who just smiled and waited for us to explain.

	"Yes, there's more to it," Brian said, taking my hand.  "But no,
it's not on the wrong finger.  I asked Nate to marry me."

	There was a collective gasp from those at the table who didn't know
about it, and then everyone started talking at once.  Brian and I looked at
each other and started to laugh.  We finally managed to get them to be
quiet so that we could explain further.

	"He asked, and I turned him down," I said, which achieved total
silence from everyone but Norry.  He was having a conversation with an
invisible friend apparently named Tony.

	"You said no?" Erron asked, breaking the silence finally.  "Why on
earth would you say no?  I was sure you'd jump at it."

	"He didn't say no, exactly," Brian told them.  "He just said not
yet."

	I spoke up for myself.  "I can't tie Brian to me until I know
exactly what he's going to be getting.  And it's going to take me some time
to figure that out.  Until then, I can't ask him to make that kind of
committment."

	"But you didn't break up."

	I smiled at Nick.  "No, we didn't break up.  We're engaged to be
engaged."

	"Which means?"

	"Which means that I've promised to get engaged to Brian, as soon as
I'm comfortable with what I'm bringing into the engagement."

	We went around the table for about half an hour, explaining until
everyone was on the same page.  Everyone was very supportive, and more than
once I had to suppress the plan-making.  I assured Erron that he would be
my best man, which made him happy.  Erron loved an excuse to dress up.

	Once everyone was caught up, and breakfast was long gone, we broke
up into cleaning teams.  I managed to use my pull as the only actual
occupant of the apartment to get Brian and I put on table duty.  Which
meant that we were done first, and relaxing in the living room while
everyone else was washing, drying, or wiping down.  Norry was contenting
himself with cartoons.

	I liked having a lot of people in the apartment.  It seemed right,
after so long with no one but me rambling around in it.  It was probably
too big for one person, really.  There was more than enough space to wander
around in it, though I hadn't really put it to much use since moving in.
The bedroom, bathroom and balcony were pretty much the only places I spent
much time during that year.

	But, at the same time, I was looking forward to having it back.  In
a way, I was moving in for the first time.  I was going to be able to enjoy
the space, and make the most of it.  Of course, I would have loved it if
Brian could stay with me all the time, but at least he had somewhere
private that he could escape to.  And I had the peace to get started on my
writing again.

	Well, normally I had the peace.  With ten people in the kitchen and
dining room and a three-year-old watching TV, there wasn't much peace to be
found.

	Brian and I sat together on the couch, watching TV with Norry.
Actually, I was watching Norry more than the TV, and trying to pretend that
no one else was there.  This was what it would be like if we had a child of
our own.  Just a normal family, hanging out in front of the TV.

	"Norry?"  He looked away from the TV and smiled at me.  He really
was an adorable kid.  "Come here for a minute, buddy."

	He got up and came over immediately, standing in front of me until
I picked him up and sat him on my lap.  Brian sat up a little to give me a
bit more room.

	Reaching behind my neck, I unfastened my cord necklace and brought
it around in front of me.  "Do you know what letter this is?" I asked him,
showing it to him.

	Brian started to tell me that he wouldn't know, but Norry answered
right away.  "It's 'N'."  I smiled.  Jeff and Cindy had been tutoring him
at home already, trying to make sure that he got into the 'right'
preschool.

	"That's right.  Do you know what it stands for?"

	He thought about it for a minute, but shook his head.  I hadn't
thought so.  From talking with Jeff, I knew that his knowledge was limited
to the letters and numbers, and his colours.  Basic stuff so far, but he
was a bright kid.  He'd catch on fast.

	"It stands for Norry," I told him with a smile.  He smiled back,
but looked to Brian for confirmation.

	Brian grinned and nodded.  "And it also stands for Nate, like Uncle
Nate."

	"That's right.  And I'm going to give you this to wear, okay?" I
put it around Norry's neck and fastened it.  It was relatively tight on me,
but big on him.  Not big enough to slip off, but much looser than when I
wore it.  "It's yours now."

	Norry grabbed the jade letter and stared at it upside down,
smiling.  He seemed very proud of it, which was more than enough to get me
smiling.

	"What do you say, Norry?" Andy asked from the doorway to the dining
room.

	"Thanks, Uncle Nate," he said, giving me a hug.  Then he moved on
down the line.  "Thanks, Uncle Brian."

	I had to hold back the tears that came at that.  The instant
acceptance of Brian into his life, not once wondering if it were odd to
have two Uncles like us.  I wanted that.  More than anything, I wanted that
innocence in my life.  "You're welcome, Norry.  Just take care of it,
okay?"

	Norry promised that he would, and I put him back down.  He went
back to his position in front of the TV, stumbling a little as he tried to
walk and look at the necklace at the same time.

	Brian looked at me and noticed that I was trying to keep from
crying.  Taking my hand, he brought it to his mouth and kissed it.  "What's
wrong?"

	I sniffed and took a deep breath.  Getting up, I took my hand out
of Brian's.  "Nothing, sweetie.  Just give me a few minutes, okay?"  I
asked, making a bee-line for the bedroom.

To Be Continued...