Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 08:06:30 EST
From: ZELGADYSS@aol.com
Subject: Brian's-Seven-Sea's_Of-Loneliness 17

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com, Or if for some reason it doesn't
work...use Zelgadyss@hotmail.com, with good or bad comments on the story.
Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am
sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident. Also a few side notes.
Please do not reproduce this, or place it, post it, or otherwise reproduce
it without EXPRESS written consent of the author. All songs are original,
copywritten and abide by any and all laws thereof. If permission is granted
to reproduce (And I'm not really gonna say no if it's legit, but ask first)
it must be reproduced whole. Other than that, those are the legalities, and
on with the show (sorry I HAD to)

	Part 17 and all's not well. The plane has crashed, and Howie fell.
What will the guys do, how will they survive. Look to the story and see
their alive...OK anyway, Well not too much mail, in fact, NONE!..ok ok, I
got a few. But we keep going cause I know you people out there really love
me, lol. So I hope this finds you all well, as I try to keep meeting
deadlines, as they pass, cause I have a lot of work, sorry, but I am really
doing my best. So without more babbling as I tend to do, on with it..ok a
bit more babbling cause you all love me SOOOOO much, lol. I want to thank
you authors for voting me the Nifty Drama Queen....i think its fitting.
(but I'm not a drama queen!!!!!!!!!) So I want to say thanks (but you gotta
change the Jon Works guys..lol)

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 17 by Jon

	As the pilot tried to get the radio to work, it was obvious it was
useless. It was destroyed in the crash so I knew we would be looking at a
good nights stay minimum here, So I started scavenging the beach and area
to see what we had to work with. I knew we'd need a place to sleep, nothing
extravagant, maybe a few lean-to's and a few blankets as we had plenty
pillows and blankets. I saw palm tree's which I was expecting, and I saw
the guys standing around as if to ask what's next. None really knowing what
was going on. Amazingly enough none of the cell phones worked either. I
guess it was too far from any signal that could carry it. It was almost
funny that this happened. I mean deserted Island, no one else around, it
might not be so bad. As I still looked at everyone who were still arguing
over what to do, I had to chuckle. Even Kevin was reasonably out of
reasonable responses.  "Well guys we can wait for it to rain and/or get
cold, or we can start making some lean-to's and get ready for tonight since
we have no idea how long we will be here for, and we still need to be ready
for anything. So lets get some palm leaves together and those will make a
safer place to sleep, we have pillows and blankets so we will be
comfortable.  It's no Hilton, but we'll just have to do now won't we?
Besides I can make a bon fire" With that I started to laugh. They had no
idea I liked fire, I loved just staring at it.  I got lost in the flames,
even as a kid, I would stare at the fireplace when a fire was going.  Plus
I was certified by the scouts to do it, so I started getting stuff
together. I got some brush and smaller sticks to start t with, and some
bigger wood too keep it going. Who knew that paying attention and dues all
those years would actually come in handy. But anyhow, as I gathered the
dries out leaves and twigs, sticks, and logs, I got a decent pile
together. The guys were still arguing over what to do, Gracie trying to
make her opinion known by shouting, and Howie seemed to retreat from the
group to be alone. I guess he was feeling bad, or had a head ache. After
getting all the stuff I needed, I got out my bag....now I know its cheating
to use matches and/or a lighter to start a fire but I knew I wasn't in the
mood for rubbing sticks with moss for that long, so with that all put
together, I figured wait a bit on the fire.  I Walked over to Howie, cause
he seemed to distance himself from the others quite a bit. I wish there was
more I could have done for him but, it was small, but the head ache must be
bad, so I pulled the Ibuprofen out my bag, cause that's all that ever
helped my migraine's, so I figured it would at least help. I walked over,
the bottle in my hand, and whispered out to him, knowing that the smallest
sounds can hurt with a migraine. "Hey Howie what's wrong?" Howie looked up,
and at me. "We crashed a plane...but you knew..and I didn't listen...but
you knew. How?" I looked down on him with a smile.  "Some call it a gift,
some call it a curse, some call it insight, some premonition. Either way,
it's a part of me that I can' explain, I just know its there, and it tells
me what I need to know when I need to know it." With that I tossed him the
small bottle, he looked at me curiously. "What is" and I cut him off "It
will help the headache you seem to be suffering with."  I walked away from
him, almost laughing, as a serious look overtook my face. I was sick of
hearing Gracie yell, and the other guys argue over what to do, so I did
what any sane, in control person would...I LAUGHED at them. I laughed long
and hard, till my eyes watered. Then I go up, fixed my appearance and
yelled "QUUUUIIIIIIETTTTTT!!!!" That had gotten their attention, so it
worked I guess. After I had them all staring at me, I again repeated what I
said earlier. "OK its going be a COLD NIGHT and if we don't get these
lean-to's set up, your all gonna freeze. Then I can set up a fire to keep
warm by, and maybe eat if your all lucky enough to keep busy long enough
for me to find stuff. If I keep working, you won't eat!"  Now I'm not
totally sure if it was cause I was mad, or the thought of not eating
sparked something in Gracie, but she started gathering palm leaves as I had
earlier asked.  Maybe it was the whole getting cold idea. By this time, I
had my lean-to all set up, with pillows for me and Brian set up..tho he had
to help the others with their lean-to's if he wanted into this one. As I
was thinking this he approached me, almost as if embarrassed by
something. "What's up Brian?" He looked at the ground, as he mumbled a
bit. "Well it seems our tent thingy is all set up...and, well...I didn't
exactly help." I chuckled, it was too perfect timing. "Well that's why your
gonna help AJ since Howie is hurt, then you get to sleep here." Brian
looked a bit surprised "So then Howie gets out of work?" I had to laugh at
the child like nature here "No, he will do his share, He'll clean up after
dinner.  Besides, he is hurt, and your not, and I have too much else to
do. If you guys want to be out in the bitter windy cold that's fine. I am
all set and ready to go, and quite frankly, I care for ya, but if your not
going to help the others, I'm not going to help you. We all have to help
each other in order to survive."
	Brian just nodded and started helping the guys collect the palm
leaves they would need. Brian had noticed that Kevin and Nick seemed to be
getting ready to share a place, and Howie and AJ were just assumed to be,
and Gracie...was more or less already done with hers. She must have been
one of those kids who always built forts, but nonetheless, as she finished
hers she helped the other guys, which gave me a chance to get all the food
together and figure out what to do for dinner, and see what the island has,
in case we needed to be here for awhile. Cause we would need a food
supply. Well I noticed the Coconuts, so if nothing else that's milk and
food, and I am sure there are things there to hunt, and the plane wasn't
exactly empty when it came to the food department. So I figure we had all
we needed to survive, so I started on the fire. I made a large fire pit and
outlined it in large stones, working up quite a sweat in the process. I
figured I could just bathe later.
	After a few hours, the fire was going strong, and the lean-to's
were all up. I decided to sit away from everyone and watch the sunset, and
wish the god a great nights rest, and to welcome the goddess to her
rule. Plus I needed to think. I knew that I needed to be away from
everything for a bit, but I didn't want to worry anyone, so after a bit I
went back and just stared into the fire, as if I was 5 again. As I get lost
in the flames, my mind gets lost in them as well. Almost as if it was
flying. I started to remember a few things from my past. Some of the good I
had. The times I was happy and content. I wasn't afraid, I remember playing
outside, and my brother and I were so close. I guess I started smiling
consciously as I remembered all the awards I would get thru High School. It
wasn't the fact that no one was there to see me get the awards, which had
always bothered me, but the fact that I was being recognized. People were
seeing that I WAS worth time, and that I wasn't just another person to be
overlooked. I made my presence known on that stage many times in my 4
years. Although no one from my family thought I counted enough to be there,
I still knew that people were seeing I was worth the time it took to help
me learn, and that was a great honor. It was a great honor to know that
people finally saw in my what my few friends did, even if those that
mattered most didn't it was appeasing that I was being seen there. I mean,
its their loss really. These people, my teachers and advisors saw fit to
give me awards and to tell others of my achievements who was I to let a
small thing like no one of my family being there.
	As the flames flickered in the light breeze, I seemed to get more
lost in them. The moon was nearing full, and the air was a bit crisp, but
nice all the more. As I slowly regain my surroundings, I noticed the guys
just talking and being merry. AJ and Howie seemed to be talking to Gracie,
and Kevin, Nick and Brian were in a conversation, no one really knowing I
wasn't talking. So I went to my bag, and grabbed my binder I called a
journal, and started to write. I wrote what I was feeling and telling my
journal of what I was feeling. I think this break is what the guys
needed. They seem at peace and happy for once. They were like friends, no
fighting, just being there. AJ and Howie were talking to Gracie about love
interests, and some flirting. I hoped it wouldn't tear their relationship
apart, but I figured they were better than that. Besides, he wasn't going
after Brian for getting me, so it might just be OK....right? So as I kept
writing, I must have written a few pages by now, Brian softly looked over
to me. "A bit Quiet tonight Jon?" So I looked up at him, and softly
responded "I was just getting lost in the fire, I have always been
enthralled by it, then decided to write a bit. Who knows I just may write
your next big hit right?" With that I started chuckling not thinking much
of my musical writing abilities, but the other guys just started agreeing
after seeing the 7 sea's. "So what was the conversation about that you
wanted to drag me into?" I said, with a smile, and by now AJ, Gracie, and
Howie were joining the larger groups conversation.  "We were just
discussing how funny fate is sometimes, how some disasters were blessings
in disguise and how ironic some things could be. Like this, it was actually
just what we needed, a time away from everything to think, analyze.." Brian
was going on as Kevin cut in, "Brian were you taking minutes and going to
give him the play by play of the conversation?" Hearing him get cut off, I
had to chuckle, and as he tackled Kevin and they started to wrestle around,
I was really laughing, as were the others. Watching Kevin and Brian
manhandle each other like 5 year olds trying to win an argument. Nick was
watching just as intently as I was to see who would win this family
squabble. I'd have joined in, but I didn't want to risk tearing anything
open yet. Besides it was fun to just watch them go at it, Gracie started
getting into it, as AJ and Howie stepped in and started to get both Brian
and Kevin. So Kevin poked Brian. "Tag Team B-Rok..get them first?" Brian
got a grin "Whoomp here we go train!" With that Brian and Kevin started to
get AJ and Howie good. Them both thoroughly beaten, they crawled back over
by Gracie, having hoped to impress her, now looking for sympathy from her,
only to get a good laughing at.  "They really whipped ya good!" Gracie said
through laughing. She couldn't help but laugh as their attempt at
impressing her failed for one, and even had they won, wouldn't have really
impressed her anyhow. So They started talking again as Brian and I went to
our Lean-to as did the rest, I made the fire good so it would burn for a
few hours before burning out. As I cuddled up to Brian, I pulled over us a
warm blanket. The guys said their goodnights, almost like the Brady
Bunch. I think they had done it just to be cheesy, and it was!  Later in
the morning I awoke to Howie Screaming something at Kevin. I mumbled as I
got up, as did Brian. All I heard was Howie screaming "What the hell are
you two doing! Were you planning on telling the rest of us!" I slowly crept
out to see what the commotion was, as did Gracie, and AJ was sitting by a
new fire he must have made, leaving it be. "Kevin got up" What do we have
to tell you EVERYTHING we do Howie.  Do Nick and I have to report to you
with every second we spend our free time!" I looked down. Mumbling "I knew
this would happen" as I walked over there. Brian looked at me "Knew what
would happen Jon?" "Huh" I looked at him." "What did you know was going to
happen Jon?" "I just knew they'd start fighting soon." "Oh" was all Brian
did in response and went over to Howie still screaming at Kevin. "Hey D
it's really to early to be screaming at them, besides...all they did was
sleep in the same lean-to, it's not like they were having sex." Howie
looked at Brian "Yeah they weren't having sex, they were MAKING OUT THO,
they may as well been bangin each other." Brian had a look on his face as
if he had been slapped by Howie's words. He looked to Kevin "And you didn't
tell us...why?" Kevin looked sympathetically at Brian "I just wanted to
start this relationship off right, without you guys mucking around in it,
just like you are now." Brian looked at me, and Nick was crying, saying the
same thing over and over again "I knew we should have told them" Was all
Nick was saying and Brian slowly asked me "You knew about all of this
didn't you?" All I did was Nod yes, and he went on "Then how come you
didn't say anything to me, at least to me?" I answered quickly yet
intelligently, "Because Brian it really wasn't my place to say anything to
anyone for one, and two, it really wasn't any of our business." Brian just
looked away "Your keeping secrets from me Jon...Why?" I just looked at his
back. "Keeping secrets? I kept no secret, that was information I shouldn't
have had, and wasn't my place to tell you." Brian just turned around with a
tear in his eye "I'll make another lean-to, since you made that one Jon. I
don't think I can be around someone who lies to me, and cannot even be
straight with me." I looked at him with a tear in my eye " if that's how
you want it, by all means Brain, please don't let me hold you back."  At
this point Nick dove into Kevin's arms balling "See now Jon and Brian are
breaking up over this Kevin, we should have just told them, I wanted to
tell them Kevin, why couldn't we just tell them?" His voice started getting
to desperate bawling, and slowly as he repeated it it turned to
anger. "Maybe Brian has the right idea, maybe we should bunk alone Kevin..I
can't stand hiding, and we hurt our friends for it, I need some time to
think." So Brian and Nick each started setting up Lean-to's as I started
putting my back pack on. I put on my Walkman, and then started walking
away, not really caring where, needing to exercise and just blow off
steam. Needing to find some space to just be me. Some time to just be me.
As I was walking I thought I heard Nick trying to call out to me, but I
just toned it out, and kept going. I must have been walking for hours, when
I came upon a small clearing in the tree's. It was a beautiful waterfall,
coming off a rocky cliff, causing a mist in the area, and a rainbow above
the mist. There were all sorts of large exotic birds here, and beautiful
sorts and shapes. As I was looking on, I remembered I had my camera with
me, and started to snap photo's of the area, then took out my journal. A
few tears in my eyes I made my entry, it was a long one, more than I had
ever written. I had talked about fate, and its irony, and many pages on the
beauty of this place. How tranquil it was, and how I could just sit here
and think. It brought me back to the place I had back home where I would go
to think, and just be by myself, It made me think back to the night I first
met the guys. It made me think back to when I head Brian liked me. I
remember feeling like I was going to melt, or wake up any second to find
out I was dreaming. But I never did. Then I just started to write every
little thing that had come to my mind, as the mist was coming over me,
keeping me cool, and keeping me comfortable. Had I not been to worried to
freeze later in the night, I'd have gone swimming, but I knew I was better
off not. Then I started to scribe a new song, not realizing it, till it was
almost done writing it. I knew this was another of my better songs, cause I
didn't think to write it, it wrote itself, as did many of my songs. That's
how I knew my writing was good, cause it came from dep within me. It was
enough to know that I had written about what I felt, and how I felt about
what Brian was doing. It was childish really.  I knew Brian had felt I was
lying to him, but I wasn't. It just wasn't my place to say anything, and he
was just going to have to realize that, weather he did or not was up to
him. So I started walking back in the direction I came from, and I didn't
hear anything except the fire going. All the guys and Gracie were sitting
around the fire, and eating, no one was talking to each other tho. So I
said "Hello, goodnight" and went into my lean-to, and curled up with a
blanket and pillow and just laid there, half expecting Brian to come in,
but knowing he wasn't coming. This was the first night that I had slept
alone, and it also made me glad I insisted on my own room, and if Brian and
I had split they couldn't just get rid of me...so I wouldn't be stuck job
less, and homeless. It also made me glad I knew that I would have time off
to go home and kept the apartment, besides it really was a steal at the
price, so I kept paying dad for it. I mean I really WAS making enough to
afford it. I knew we'd be here at least another night, and I guess, I am
hoping Brian will sleep on it and come to his senses.  When I stirred awake
in the early morning..which was terribly unusual for me, I saw the fire was
out, but it was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, no clouds. The
birds were out and the wind was but a soft breeze. This made me think of
all the things I have had, lost, and had coming in the future. I started
thinking of all the things I had to look forward to, even if Brian wasn't
in that picture, life was going to go on, whether I liked it or
not. Besides, I didn't want to be dependent on anyone for my happiness. So
I slipped on my walk-man, my backpack, and off I went back tho that
forest. It was a good hike and I liked walking. It was so beautiful
there. I grabbed a few fruits off the trees for my breakfast, and again
opened my journal. I had songs on my mind, and just a lot of other stuff,
so I started writing. I felt the day go by..but it flew, and before I knew
it, nighttime had fallen. I had packed up my stuff before it was too late
to find my way back to the site, and grabbed my flashlight in case. As I
started to make my way back, I realized this place was more beautiful at
night than it was during the day.  I could just imagine what they all did
all day as I walked. They either argued over pointless stuff, or they just
played games. Either way I just didn't care, cause I was having the time of
my life. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, well as a writer it was
my job to take those 1,000 words so you could see the picture. And with the
beauty of the place I was in, there wasn't enough words, or paper to
capture it. But still I tried, and tried. But I had done some of my best
writing there. I remembered the details of the place, as if its beauty was
meant for my eyes to see, untouched by humans. No greed, just pure
innocence. No developers to ruin its majestic beauty. The animals not
fearing humans, thinking it was just another animal of the forest. Not
knowing how cruel human can be, and not knowing of the destruction we
cause. The trees stood, as if daring the winds to blow them down, and the
birds flew free, as if they were fish in water. The colors of the rainbow
all meshed, as their vibrant colors shone from tip to root of each
feather. Each bird more beautiful than the last, as I looked on.  But I was
leaving that world now, going back to one of arguments, money, greed,
"Humanity" if we can truly call ourselves humane. Society, where difference
is shunned.  But that was my life, as much as this paradise cove was the
birds, and I was determined to live my life like them. Care free. I won't
let society dictate how I live. It was my time to shine. My time to let the
colors of my inside flow to the out. And with my pen and paper I would do
just that. I would make the world see how much they have been blind. How
when their hearts are closed how can they feel love. When they look with
their hears, true beauty will be seen. Besides, I was seeing the world. And
this place was all a part of my destiny. And if losing Brian was on Fate's
agenda, so be it. I would find my true love in due time. Until then, I had
a great job, a life, and friends who care. So I was as happy as I could be,
having all I needed.  As I got back, I could hear some slight arguing,
which made me glad I had my small lean-to away from the campsite. It was
originally for me and Brian to have some privacy, but now served as giving
me privacy, and instead of going to the fire to show I was there, I just
went to bed. I curled up with the extra pillow, and blanket, and drifted
off to sleep, not caring what was going on out there. I figured if someone
was bleeding profusely or some other emergency happened they would find
me. And if not, then its not my fault. I was the extra person here, and my
job did not extend to keeping them safe on desert islands anyhow. My job
was to keep the flooding girls at bay, not the flooding lives.  Besides
this showed them the things in life that no amount of money could ever
buy. The pure beauty of the land was more than anyone could dream
of. Besides, I had no regrets for the reason Brian was mad at me cause it
really wasn't my place to say. As I got up, I started a small fire to cook
on, humming a bit, and a large smile implanted on my face. I woke up and
the images that I had left the day before were forever burned into my mind,
no one could make me forget the beauty I saw there, nor could they ever
hold me down, if I wanted something bad enough. So as the fire go going to
a good pace, I took a few things from the area and made myself some
breakfast. I mean that airplane had some good supplies on it. But I knew
that they were running scarce, even if I wasn't here to eat anything the
past few days.  As I looked up from my cooking I saw Nick rubbing the sleep
out of his eyes, and sit down. I started to make him some, tho he tried
telling me I didn't have to. As he sat, I noticed he came from his own
lean-to. "You and Kevin still fighting Nick?" He looked up at me and just
nodded "Yeah all these problems you and Brian are having could have been
avoided, and the guys just keep going on and on about it." I looked at him,
then took out a piece of paper and handed it to him "This is my number at
home, I won't be with you guys much longer, but feel free to call if the
guys get to be too much and you need to talk.  If I am not home, I will get
back to you ASAP." He looked shocked...."Your...leaving us..Jon?" I smiled
and nodded "Yup, I figure I will stay a few weeks till you guys find an
adequate replacement, and then it's back off to my apartment in
Worcester. Its plenty for me, and I can get a job out there without much
difficulties. Besides, do you think Brian will be comfortable seeing me,
Knowing we used to be together?" Nick just looked at me, as I served him a
plate with the food. "I suppose not, but then again...i still want you
around. I know me and Kevin will get back together eventually. He is
trying, and I do have feelings for him. I just need time to absorb things
in. And I know Brian is mad when he shouldn't be, but you should see him
Jon, He mopes all day. No one knows where you've been, but he misses you
terribly. I think he wants to talk to you, and work it out." "That's all
fine and well, but I'm not ready to "work it out" cause there shouldn't be
anything to work out. Maybe in time, I will try. But for now, if I decide
to go home, you have a way to keep in touch. YOU have a way, that's to stay
with you, not given to the others." I made a serious face at him, and he
nodded. I picked my bag up, as I saw Kevin getting up, coming towards me
and Nick.  I decided to stop and wait for him, and at least see him before
I took off for the day again. I mean, I felt at peace where I was going, so
I had to keep going. The air was like a drug, and I was hooked. I mean I
was really hooked. But I knew I needed to see the guys at some point, so
here I stayed. Kevin was rubbing his eyes, but seemed to be awake.  He
looked at me, then looked shocked. He saw Nick up too, I saw a smile reach
his face seeing Nick, the a frown. I knew he realized what he was
losing. "Hello Jon" Kevin said, as he tried to smile. All I could do was
try to fake a smile "Hello, what's up?" He looked at me a second. "You
staying around for a bit today to talk to Brian. He rally misses you, and
he wants to talk to you more than you can imagine Jon..he really cares, he
just wasn't thinking." So I answered plainly, "I found a place on this
island that makes me feel happy, like I did when Brian held me at night. I
found a place where I can just be me, and so no, I am not staying so Brian
can hurt me more. I am going where I feel welcomed. I feel the Goddess, the
holy mother of the earth helped me find that place to help me deal.  Being
in nature makes me feel good. Besides, you guys seem to be getting along
fine without me." He shook his head. "No Brian is a moping mess, AJ and
Howie have been trying to get Gracie to notice them..Nick seems to hate me,
and Gracie seems to be lost between choosing between Howie, AJ, and worried
cause your secluding yourself, and se knows what it means, tho isn't
telling us. And then there has been no contact with land.  Food is scarce."
I had to cut him off there. "Food is all around you. Unprocessed, and no
chemicals. This island provides more than enough for an army, if you
look. And Nick doesn't hate you, but he is mad, and hurt. And he feels this
thing between me and Brian is his fault, which is a lot for someone his
age. Its a lot for me to deal with at my age too, but I put myself
here. Not him. Go to him and talk, and as for rescuing, you guys will be,
your celebrities. Then you can go back to the concert touring, and me
home."  With that I started walking back to my area on this island. The
piece that calls to my soul. Kevin had called out trying to figure out what
I meant by going home..but I ignored him, and the island as the headphones
went on, the world went off.

*************** Nick and Kevin By the Fire

	Kevin slowly walked up to Nick, as Nick turned around, he visibly
tensed up. He really wanted to be with Kevin, but he knew he and Kevin had
a lot of talking to do. Kevin sat next to Nick and hugged him close, as a
tear fell from his eye. "Nick, I know I have a hard time with my emotions"
Nick started to cut him off, but Kevin continued "No please let me do
this. And I know we should have told the guys. But I wasn't ready to tell
them, and let them muck around in our relationship. And I NEVER meant to
break Jon and Brian up, I mean that's just wrong. I talked to Brian about
it, and he knows. But Jon seems not ready to go to Brian and talk. But I
can't stand another night without you Nick.  I need you in my arms at
night, I need your body with mine so I know it will all be OK.  Even if we
stay here forever, if I have you it doesn't matter to me. Cause right now,
and forever, all I want is you by my side. That's all I will ever need, and
ever want." With that a few more tears graced his eyes, and Nick Hugged him
close...a few tears on his cheeks as well. "I can accept that Kevin, but no
more secrets from the guys. I felt so ashamed I had to hide to be with you,
and couldn't hold you around them..and now look, it took Jon losing Brian
to keep us together. He's going home soon. After that there is no hope
really of getting them back together. I mean, if they lose each other over
this, I don't know what I would do." With that being said, Kevin started to
get an idea, to have Brian follow me to my spot, but then he figured that
would get me mad, so he just kind of hung off a bit.

****************Back At The Cove
	The sea breeze was blowing here, the winds were a bit more than
before. But it still was pleasant. The birds seemed away tho, as if
expecting something, but I still just sat there planning, as I let my mind
work. I knew I would be going home sooner or later, and its been but a
month. But as far as people knew, I never left. I just wasn't around, save
for work. But I knew my resume would get me a new job soon as I got home,
it was just a matter of getting it out, fixing it a bit, and then applying
for some jobs. Or maybe I'd suffer through this one, I mean I made the
choice for better or worst, maybe I will just take a month off, and tell
the guys I am going home. They'll all think its permanent, but still want
to see the world, and this will do that. And even without Brian....as the
thoughts came, so did a few tears I had been holding....I know its going to
be hard seeing and working with him, but at least I will know he is safe
and protected. That will have to be enough for me. And maybe one day we can
repair the friendship. Stranger things have happened to me I guess, and I
would be a fool if I didn't take this opportunity to see the world, and
fulfill all my dreams. Besides, it's not where you are it's who your with.
	The wind had started to pick up a bit more, and my mind had
sufficiently wondered off enough for one day, even if I was only here for
and hour or two.  Besides...I hadn't heard from or seen the pilot or the
attendant in days, nor did I care for that matter. And if the wind is like
this here, it may mean we need better shelter for the night. As I started
walking back to camp, the winds kept pushing me a bit from behind, as if
changing direction just to help me get back faster. As this happened, I
knew it was far from coincidence, so I knew something was wrong, or was
going to be wrong. I just hoped there would be something I could do to help
the situation. But I needed to find out what the situation was first. As I
was walking I was looking for caves, but found none. I remembered seeing
one off in the distance back by camp, and I never scouted it out. It would
have to make due if this was a hurricane starting, cause if it is, we may
not have time to look for more appropriate surroundings. The clouds were
getting darker, and I still had a good 10 minutes to walk back to
camp. Even jogging, I have a good jog, but I started regardless, cause
seconds can make all the difference in an emergency.
	As I got back to the camp, the winds had all but died down, and the
clouds were barely graying..all the guys were around the tents keeping
entertained in various ways.  Gracie and AJ, Howie, Nick, Kevin had some
sort of game going. It almost looked like charades. Brian was with the
pilot with the radio, trying to get it to work. I wonder if the pilot has
been at that thing all day, cause if he has, and this whole time, someone
should smack him cause its broken. Anyhow, Brian seemed content, so I went
to the game, or rather was dragged. Gracie saw me in the middle of her turn
to try and get her phrase out.  Her eyes bugged out and her jaw
dropped. But that's probably because they haven't seen me in days, and I
looked less than my best from not sleeping well. I smiles and shook my head
at her, and all the guys turned around to see what she was gawking at. It
was too funny to see the guys. They looked like how I felt. They were a
mess, so I started laughing, and laughing hard. Least I managed a
bath..well as much of a bath that you can have without soap. The waterfall
served many purposes today. So I looked decent compared to them.
	Kevin looked at me, then he started thinking..he looked lost in
thought. "Kev!  Your staring." I slapped him. To try and wake him up, cause
he didn't hear me yell at him..tho it was a light slap. He finally got the
clue he was staring. "Your taken remember?" Again I chuckled, looking at
Nick who was blushing, but Kevin didn't falter.  I guess we were noisy
cause Brian looked over, even tho I didn't see him. "So are you Jon" Kevin
shot back quickly. All I could do was shake my head, and hold back the
tears.  "I WAS taken, now if you'll excuse me, I was coming to warn you a
hurricane is coming and get to shelter, But you know what. I think I'll
just go alone and then no one will notice what you said. On a side note
Kevin, thanks for making me feel worst than I have in years I appreciate
it." And I walked off. For some strange reason, I can't take a joke
lately. Scary. I guess the whole Brian thing will always be a sore
spot. But what can I do, it's over, time to move on.
	I started off to the caves with my pack, and a few essentials from
my lean-to, kind of hoping that they all caught the hint I was giving them,
cause I really thought it was a hurricane brewing. I could hear and fell
the winds picking up, and the smell of salt water stronger. It was as if I
was in a bad horror movie. I was in a cave, starting a fire, while there
was a hurricane brewing outside. Its been a few hours since I left the
guys, and none have shown up just yet. Now I know I was a bit subtle, but I
know I had the words hurricane, coming, shelter all in that phrase. Well I
guess it was my turn to go get them. I started working my way out the
cave. I could feel the wind gusts shooting throughout the caves, but I
wasn't ready for what I was seeing outside. It was dark outside, real dark.
The winds were at a vicious speed, and the tree's were rocking
violently. Each swaying like it would snap off in the breeze. But still no
sign of the guys. The rain was starting up, so I knew it was about to get
bad, as I could hear the thunderous Booms and the bright lights coming from
the storm.
	As I started off to the make-shift camp, the wind was getting
stronger, and had changed directions, as if trying to hinder my way to the
guys and Gracie. The more it pushed me, the more I pushed to get to the
camp. I could hear the muffled yells coming from the campsite. The guys
must have ignored me, and not packed up, because it sounded like they were
scavenging for all they could carry as quickly as they could manage. It
took me a few more minutes to get there. I had to yell to be heard over the
blustering winds. "LETS GO GUYS, OVER HERE!!!! THE CAVE IS THIS WAY!"  they
started darting out towards where I was yelling. Brian taking the lead. I
started dragging him, and he the rest. I could have sworn I felt him
squeeze my hand, but that had to be just my imagination, cause he was over
me, as fast as I fell for him. But now wasn't the time, now was the time to
get to the cave.
	I kept seeing flashes of light, then hearing thunderous booms, as
the lightning crashed. A few times it hit palm tree's and I could see the
fires starting, but still I was dragging the guys, taking the lead. The
water had saturated us to the bone, and the rain kept coming. I could see
the cave, and started pushing the guys towards it as I stayed back to make
sure they had all got in. Brian for some reason was dragging along, and was
the last to go in, waiting for me I guess, as I started, I saw a bright
flash of light very close. I heard it hit a tree, the tree next to Brian,
and saw the flames, as it was falling. I don't really remember what was
happening, all I know is my feet started moving, as if in slow motion out
of one of those horror movies gone wrong. I could hear the guys yelling,
and Brian just seemed to terrified to move to save his own life. As I saw
the tree falling I moved faster than I think I ever have in my life.
	As the things around me became a blur, I got to Brian, and threw
him out of the way. But my timing was far from off as the tree hit my back,
pinning me to the ground, and trapping Brian's leg under it. Thankfully my
back too the brunt of it, and Brian's leg was trapped, but not broken. The
gods were watching over him, as I had asked in so many of my prayers. I
screamed in agony as I felt the pressure of the tree on my back, and I knew
what was happening. I saw Brian's leg caught and the guys trying to work
the tree up to get us out. In shallow words, I managed to yell out to Kevin
and the guys. Get Brian out, then go to the cave, there is a fire lit. It
will be safe, I should be able to lift it up enough for you to get him out
with help." Kevin looked at me, and Brian shouted "Were not leaving anyone
behind." I got my best angered voice I could manage "You'll go and that's
all there is to say about it. You will go on and be happy. You'll meet the
man of your dreams and be happy, and you'll soon forget me, now GO!" on the
word go, I started lifting with all I was worth. I remembered the love I
felt from Brian in the hospital, and I let my heart guide me to save him. I
knew he'd be ok. I felt the guys help, but the tree was too heavy to move,
and saw Kevin drag Brian off into the cave, and I smiled.  The wind was
picking up, and I closed my eyes, for what looks like the final time. The
image of Brian in my eyes, a smile on my face. I had no real regrets to
think of, as my legacy was in that cave in my backpack. My little place on
the world will be made through my writing and through the love I have
given. I knew now that I had served a greater purpose in life than just
living. I had found the meaning of life, and that was love. Love
unconditional was the reason that humans were given the ability to think,
and see and love.  It was what separated us from the animals. If we were
meant to be slaves and work our whole lives away, we would be ants. If we
were made just t o reproduce, we'd be a common animal. We were given the
ability to think, rationalize, and love to use it. Our purpose on this
world is love unconditional. To be loved, to give love. In the simplest
desire, yet the hardest emotion to fulfill. It's the one emotion that can
never be defined, because there is no one certain way to love, its as
situation and person specific as anything can be, and I had it. But now it
was time to move on, and to let him be happy, and let him find his love.
	I heard the soft crying whispering from the caves, and what sounded
like Brian's voice. It was Faint, but I understood it, with what little
consciousness I had left. I could feel the cold water seeping into my bones
as I listened. I could hear him whimpering.  Something about losing his one
love in a storm. Was I his love. No I couldn't be cause we weren't
together, he didn't trust me. Then I remembered the peaceful cove. The soft
colors on the birds, as my mind drifted, I could hear a scream, as if
someone had died. It was Brian's voice. He must have felt me slipping away,
cause I heard the guys scuffling to stop him from running out. If I was his
love I couldn't just die. So once more I called out to the guardians. After
calling the four corners, for the last time I thought, I prayed to the
goddess..."Great mother, who brought me into this world. I know you choose
whom lives and dies. Is it your will to take me? If it is, I offer no
resistance, but if its not your will, then please give me the strength to
help me. The power to endure this utter cold.  Give me the peace of mind to
survive. But if it is your will that I be taken into your bountiful home,
then I go willingly."
	I felt a sudden calmness, and the winds almost felt as if they
stopped blowing. The winds started sweeping under me, as if helping me to
lift the tree off of my back. As soon as I rolled it off of my back, I got
up..and stumbled away from I, not able to keep awake, I fell over, the
water still pouring over my battered body.

***********The Cave

	The guys had drug Brian into the cave, and Gracie just looked out
in horror. She wasn't sure if she had ever felt like this in her life. She
like Brian felt me slipping away and was powerless to stop it. The pilot
and stewardess were just huddled in the corner afraid to say or do anything
more than just sit by the fire I had made hours before. Brian was in tears
in Nick's lap. He felt my energy slipping away from him. "Nick, I
never...never said..good..good bye to him. I never even got to say
good-bye." Brian was in hysterics, as he was losing the one thing that
meant more to him than life itself. True love.  He was losing a piece of
himself. "Why..why did i..Nick, why did I leave him...i should be out there
not him...and we should have been together. But I was stupid...why did I do
all this." He looked to his chest, to his ever present cross. Holding it
into his fingers, and cried "How can I believe in a god so heartless, so
cruel he'd take away a love from my arms." And then the rest was
mumbles. Kevin sat there watching Brian, wondering if there was anything
more they could do. But knowing there wasn't. He sat there looking at Nick,
stroking Brian's hair, with the touch much like a mothers.  Soothing her
aching child. He realized what he too almost lost in this island
paradise. But he couldn't help but know how Brian had felt. At the same
time, he had no idea to the depth, cause Nick's life wasn't in danger, they
had merely broken up.
	Soon the guys heard a deep, gut wrenching scream come from Brian's
mouth, as he and Gracie had felt the last of me slipping away from
them. They no longer felt my presence with them, and no longer felt me
around them. The two of them were crying, tho the rest could only sit and
watch, helplessly, as their friend was out under a tree dying and two other
friends sat by, dying on the inside, of a loss of a friend so true, a love
so grand, and a timeless thought that has now ended. All while they were in
a dark cave, cut off from the world, and powerless to do more than think,
which at the moment their minds seemed to be their enemy as opposed to
their friend. All anyone could think of was the face Jon wore, as he made
them go, Taking Brian away from their sights. Seeing him sacrifice his very
life for that of another. Not many people would have been that way, time
and again. But he demanded them go, what could they do but listen. Now they
had to live without all the things that might have been. All the good that
could have come, all the regrets of never even saying good-bye. In their
rush to get to safety, none had even been able to say their last
good-bye. What a fate that they couldn't think of the words, and now that
it is too late, they cannot say good-bye.
	Gracie looked up, for a minute. "Where is his backpack. He never
travels without it, and he didn't have it out there, So its in here." All
the guys save Brian, who was too caught up in tears stared at her. Nick
yelled at her "HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! HE'S DYING AND YOU WANT HIS
FUCKING BAG!" She wiped away her tears, but it was frivolous, because new
ones just took the place of the old ones.  As the streaks went down her
cheeks and fell. "No but I know in his religion, when one losses someone in
their life, you light a white candle to light their way to the next life,
or to heaven. Where ever you believe you will go, it lights their way. And
he always has candles on him, and a match or lighter. I will light the
candle in respect to him, and in my way of saying goodbye." Gracie sifted
through my bag, finding the 8 pack of white candles in my bag, and lit one,
handing it to Brian whispering to him. "I know it hurts, and we didn't say
good-bye. Hold this candle, and picture him moving into heavens
gates. Light his way to the unknown Brian, and say your good-bye." Then she
handed one to each of them, telling them to say their final good-bye.
	Brian first said soft prayer to himself, and then a hushed whisper
"I will not forget the way you saved me, time and again. The way you saved
me from never being loved, and you saved my very soul. You took me from the
depths of utter misery, and lifted me to a place none could reach. You flew
on wings, none could see it. Now your god will make you an angel and let
the world see the wings you lifted people with. May your heart keep strong,
and I will join you soon." He spoke so softly that none heard him, but
Nick...but the look on Nick's face was fear.

******************************************************

I am sorry it took so long, I know its been months, and I kind of left you
on an edge. Life is my excuse.or rather explanation, cause there should be
no excuses, life will move on. I had to put out another part, but my life
became very hectic, and there was nothing more I could do to speed it
up. Look for me, I am always on AOL if ya want to talk, and you can look to
see if this is where the story ends. Only I know that answer...so for now,
all the friends I have made thru writing, I thank you and cherish you. Too
all the friends I have yet to meet, keep your chin up, and remember. Life
will go on. The only question is will you. Will you live life, or let it
consume you. Will you live the 9-5 workday and wallow in misery, or have
fun, even despite the unhappiness you have experienced. We all have crosses
to bear, some more than others, but never think your crosses are more than
anothers, cause yes they maybe..but to the person you are talking to, your
just belittling them and saying their problems are less important than
yours...be well, merry meet. And remember to love.