Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2000 14:10:37 EST
From: PHOENIXPUMA@aol.com
Subject: Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness 33

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to Draven Phoenix@aol.com with good or bad comments on
the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other
stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident.

Part 33: Well, guess that answered if I was ending the story, and if Jon
was really dead, lol. I just want to take the first moment of this time to
say a general thank-you. To everyone that has sent me mail, and encouraged
me. Em, you gave me a chance, and I appreciate that to no end. The chance
to be a friend, and meet people. That chance is sometimes all someone
needs, sometimes isn't, but having the chance again was nice J.  I'd like
to thank all of 69 flavors for dealing with me, and for reading my book's
first chapter, the feedback has been nice, and what I needed to figure out
how I wanted to start things. Now that I am writing a book, I will be at
the computer more, so I guess 7 Sea's will be updated a bit more regularly.
To James... where have you been? I want to thank anyone who has at any time
ever read this and seen something in it, or used something in this to
better themselves. Who have learned something from the lessons I have had,
or just felt connected to this story for whatever reason. This was/is my
journal of growth. I have seen the changes I've gone thru as I look back
through the beginning chapters to now, and I've seen the person I want to
be through the story as well.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 33 by Jon


	Brian seemed to be thinking, while he was talking. "Jon..." He
wasn't sure just what to say. "HMMMMMM HMMM HMM yeah yeah. Baby, please try
to forgive me."

Flowed from his mouth. "Stay here, don't put out the glow. Hold me
now.. Don't bother. If every minute it makes me weaker. You can save me,
from the man I've become."

A small tear fell from his eye, as the rest of the guys looked at him, and
he nodded. Then they all joined in understanding what he was
doing. "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I
play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my
heart."

 AJ voice penetrated the room, as the guys softened, looking at Jon, as if
asking the same thing as the rest of them, for forgiveness. "sadness, is
beautiful. Loneliness is tragic. So help me, I can't win this war, no
nooo."

Kevin joined in With AJ, his voice, solemn as his eyes looked down at Jon,
as if pleading.

"Touch me now don't bother, if every second it makes me weaker. You can
save me from the man I've become."

All at once, the five men were harmonizing together "Looking back on the
things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in
the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."

Nick's voice seemed to wake me out of my stupor, I realized each man was
here, singing these words, and to each one of them, they were asking a
different question. "I'm here, with my confession. Got nothing to hide, no
more. I don't know where to start. But to show you the shape of my heart!"

Everyone hit the bridge together "I'm looking back, on things I've done. I
never want to play the same old part, and keep you in the dark. Now let me
show you the shape of my heart."

All the voices blended together again in the chorus "Looking back on the
things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in
the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."

Then out of no where, as if a tormented soul, from sorrow, and loneliness,
and fear, Nick's voice cut in through the chorus "Now let me show you the
true shape of my heart"

They all were in the end finishing the song off, as a team. "Looking back
on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept
you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart." "The Shape of
my heart!" The last line was dragged out, and Brian sang it alone. Looking
deep into my eyes, he sang the line.


	They all looked at me, as I opened my eyes. Slowly, and carefully,
I opened them as I lay in Nick's arms. Gwen was awe struck by the scene,
and I must admit, so was i. My whole body was still numb, and I had this
overwhelming urge to just let sleep take me. I mustered my voice, trying to
remain distant and cold. "That doesn't answer why." I said it. I acted as
if the song meant nothing to me. I wanted to know why they did what they
did. What possible reason.

	My eyes remained locked on Brian. "Jon.. I thought I had lost you,
for good. I thought you were dead, and when I heard your voice, I thought
you were just trying to make me miserable. I laid in your bed for 3 days,
wishing I could hear your voice." I just stared at him.. "I could never
make you miserable, I never stopped loving you, and all I wanted was your
happiness, be it with someone else if that is how it had to be."

	He dropped to his knee's as the tears flew from his eyes. I still
couldn't feel my body, and the urge to sleep was getting greater by the
second. My head slowly rolled back in Nick's arms, as did my eyes to my
head. I let the numbness consume me, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I
was far from asleep, but not very awake either. "Jon no, you can't do this,
you can't go to sleep and not wake up on us!" Brian shouted at me. He took
me in his arms, and stroked my hair lovingly. Kevin, AJ, and Howie just
looked onto the scene in a state of horror, almost as if it were just a bad
movie. Something from a dream long ago, and yet just a few days ago all at
once. Kevin just went into the bathroom, with AJ and Howie staring at him,
In a state of utter confusion, as they heard the water start running.

	Brian slipped into place, where Nick once held me, feeling how cold
my body had gotten, and how lifeless it was. He continued to stroke the
hair off my face, and hold me.

Half trying to warm my cold body, and half trying to comfort it to where
ever it was heading. Kevin knelt down on one knee, and dipped a face cloth
into the steaming water, applying the hot towel to my forehead. Everyone
else watched in horror, yet Kevin seemed as calm as one could be. Brian did
his best not to fall apart and freak out, but he was losing it. "Its going
to be OK Brian, he just absorbed a lot of information, and he wasn't so
good before we got here either.." And with that Gwen got a look on her
face, as if she was going to melt Kevin in his shoes. "BEFORE THIS HE WAS
FINE!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, not caring these people were
famous, nor did she care how much she'd hate herself later.

	They all felt another stare coming at them from the doorway. It was
as if the eyes were hitting them all with bullets as they stood there. The
face was familiar, yet completely estranged to them. The eyes were narrow
slits, as if trying to give the appearance of a snake ready to strike. Two
fists balled at her side, as she looked at the scene. Her skin, normally
white, seemed to be red hot, as if she would spontaneously combust there on
the scene. Her teeth were clenched like a vice, and it was almost as if her
two pointed top teeth had grown into fangs as she looked on.

	"What did you people do to him!" The voice, one that used to be
friendly, seemed to have venom on it. Everyone's jaw's dropped, none having
seen this side to Gray. Gwen also got up, her face and features much like
Gray's still trying to figure out what to do.

Gray started approaching the mass that was my body, and Brian. Her eyes
stared at Kevin, as he continued to swab the cloth on my forehead. Kevin
had ignored Gracie, after he saw her, turning his attention to trying to
wake me up, yet part of him had some idea what was about to happen. Nick
got up quickly, remembering what Gray had said earlier to him about killing
Kevin. "Gray no, you don't understand." She shook her head no at Nick, and
AJ and Howie stood, as if to form some sort of wall. Gray looked at AJ,
hatred beaming through her eyes, and he just looked down. The cold eyes
soon flared at Howie, and he started to look back, as tears slid down his
eyes. He wouldn't budge, he looked her straight in the eyes. He was facing
another of his demons, knowing this would have to have happened. "MOVE!" It
was a simple word, but the voice behind it, showed she meant business. In a
single word she had spoken a book of her intentions. She had made it clear
she wanted blood on her hands, and her friend safe from harm.

	Gwen looked at Gracie, and stared at her. Gwen's eyes seemed even
more pissed at the moment. "Who the hell are you, and what do you think
your doing?!?" Nick, Howie, and AJ gasped hearing Gwen. Gwen stared Gracie
in the eyes, and balled her fists up, approaching the woman. Grace raised
her right eyebrow slightly, and looked at the woman, a bit bewildered as to
who she was, but even more amused that she would stand up to her like
that. Yes her face showed almost a look of amusement for a moment, but only
a moment. "Who do you think you are fooling girl! If I have to single
handily go through all of you to get to Jon, and get Kevin away from him,
then goddess help you, and hope you caught up on your prayers, cause your
gonna meet your maker." Gwen took another defiant step towards Grace. "Well
you'd best kill me, cause if you don't I'll be killing you. I'll be damned
if I let another person hurt Jon again."

	The only thing that registered on Gracie's face was utter
shock. Pure and utter shock. "hurt.. hurt him. I would never.. we've been
too close too long. I'm hear to help him." Gwen looked at her suspiciously
"Well if your here to help him I suggest you sit down, shut up, and let
them do what they're doing. And gods help me, if you guys"

looking at them all she continued "hurt him in any way, seems you have two
of us that are going to rip you apart." Howie, Nick, and AJ didn't seem to
know what to say, or do.

They seemed defeated, yet like they'd won all at the same time. Nick went
back over to Brian, and sat there with him and Jon, while Kevin tried to
keep the cloth warm. Nick grabbed a thick blanket off the bed on the way
and covered Brian and Jon up as he did.

Rubbing the side of the blanket where my arms where, in an attempt to cause
friction, and keep Jon warm. Gray and Gwen started to talk, little things
at first, introductions, and who they were, yet both kept a steady eye on
Jon and Kevin. Like two little pit bulls, small in stature, but given the
need, would rip you apart in nothing flat. They seemed to be hitting it off
really well.

	Almost 3 hours had passed, and by now Brian was getting really
worried. He refused to lose it, while holding me in his arms. Only a few
minutes after Gracie had walked in, and they moved me onto the bed, Brian
holding me in his arms the whole way.

They guys were getting worried I had slipped into a coma, with how cold I
was, and how unresponsive I had been. Had it not been for the stray
movement of my arm, they would have fully believed it to be a coma. Little
by little, Gwen filled in Nick and Gray on what she knew of what had
happened, and the guys slowly started to see what the commotion was all
about. Gray's eyes seemed to soften a bit as she looked at Gwen, feeling a
connection. Nick had the same treatment. AJ and Howie got death looks from
her, as did Kevin. Kevin. for the moment brushed it off, but the look in AJ
and Howie's eyes betrayed how much it was killing them. They lost Gray for
what seems completely now, and they almost lost a dear friend.

	The day went on as more of the same. Slowly but surely my body
started to warm up under the hot cloth, blanket, and body heat. It was well
into the night before I could even open my eyes. As I did, I saw Gray and
Gwen watching over me. I was confused as to when and how Gray got here, and
I looked to my right to see Kevin holding Nick in a chair. Their eyes were
tired, but not sleepy. At the movement of my head, Brian looked at my eyes,
to see them opened, causing everybody to look. Just as quickly as they were
opened I was fighting the urge to sleep again. I hung my head over the
edge, half in an attempt to get up, and half in an attempt to get to the
bathroom. As I looked over the edge of the bed, it seemed to go on forever.
Like there was no floor. My head started spinning and my stomach joined the
wash cycle. Moments later I was heaving up what very little I had eaten in
the past few days, along with a lot of blood. As soon as I was done
emptying the bile from my stomach, I felt my body getting cold again, and
closed my eyes. I couldn't fight the urge to sleep any more than I could
have walked to the bathroom at that moment.

	A few hours later, I awoke in Brian's arms again. There was an
acidic taste in my mouth, but no smell on the ground, so I had to assume
someone cleaned it up. I'd figure out who to thank later, for now, I wanted
to try to stay awake. I could hear Brian's even breathing and the rise and
fall of his chest as he held me. He had been holding me that whole
day. There were no lights in the room on, but that never bothered me, I had
excellent night sight. I could see Kevin and Nick sleeping, not peacefully,
but sleeping nonetheless on the same chair. I carefully moved my head to
the left, to see Gray and Gwen on the other bed, and AJ and Howie on the
floor, their heads propped on a few jackets as they lay there. I was
starting to feel claustrophobic at that moment. I hadn't really had arms
around me in awhile, and it was Brian, so it brought back a lot. My senses
seemed intact, I could judge distance at the moment, so I took Brian's arms
off me, not harshly, but off me. I got out of bed, and into the bathroom.
Brian, being the bump on a log he is when he sleeps, didn't seem to notice
anything. All the better. As I exited the bathroom all was as I left it. I
half smiled at the room. I was hobbling to the bathroom and no one heard
me. How typical. With that thought I had to chuckle for a minute.

	Clad in my jeans and tee shirt, I walked out onto the balcony and
started to look at the stars. The moon was full, and I could feel it's
essence overwhelming me. I sat there, basking in the aura of the great
Goddess, letting her love fill my troubled and aching heart.

Letting her wash away the pain that seemed to keep flaring up in my body.
Letting the coldness of the past few months just wash away in her light.
Each star seemed to call out softly to me, enveloping me into a song of
which no poet has ever dared try to write. I had to smile, as they kept
singing to me. I closed my eyes, and let the moon take over me. I saw the
visions of some clouds riding into my head, lead by the light of the
fullest moon you have ever seen. And soon stairs started to be formed from
them. Stepping down off the clouds was something i had longed to see. A
mother, in the truest sense of the word.

Not my "mother" biologically, but the one I called mother willingly.

	Her face seemed to drive away anything bad in my mind and heart.
Her eyes twinkled with such a light, that even the stars were jealous. Her
voice, so beautiful it would rival the greatest symphony, and her hair,
like red strands of solid sunlight. Her dress flowed from her body, like a
river down a waterfall, and the colors of her seemed as if taken from the
most colorful flowers. Her stride more graceful than the swimming swan, and
more elegant than anything dared try compare itself to. I smiled as she
approached me, on her clouds. "What is it that troubles you this glorious
evening my son. Your heart and eyes look as if they have seen the troubles
of 1000 lives in but a few days. I know your road has been far from easy my
son, but what weighs so heavily on you?" Her voice just seemed beyond
Divine, as her white aura enveloped me, filling me with her love. I looked
to her eyes, and knew she would help me. "Earth Mother, how can It be, I
fell in love, yet lost it almost as quick as it was given to
me. Friends. something I had long dreamed of, and was ultimately something
that nearly killed me. Have I not learned my lessons well, and have I not
had enough suffering. Can't I be happy?" She nodded her understanding, and
looked in thought for a moment, as if thinking how to explain things.

"Dear child, you have learned many lessons, and I am sorry it has been so
hard on you all these years. Unfortunately in your travels, and lessons and
learning, you forgot some of the most basic lessons. Nothing can be taken
away from you that you don't willingly give up. Your love is still there,
and the one you love still loves you. You've forgotten how to forgive
people that have hurt you. You forgive people for many things in your mind,
but you have forgotten how to truly forgive someone, and try to move on.
You've been so badly hurt, that you shut yourself out from the rest of the
world at the same time. This lesson, the lesson of true forgiveness is one
you must be willing to learn, or you must be willing to be alone.  People
are just that. people. They are going to make mistakes. I can't tell you
what to do, except to follow your heart where ever it may lead you, and
know that no matter where that is, I will always be there with you, for as
long as you shall live, and more. Never doubt in that, Never doubt in
yourself, and never doubt your heart."


TBC. OK shorter than usual, I know, and only 1 chapter. But I figured this
was better than waiting for forever and a day.