Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 17:01:37 EDT
From: PHOENIXPUMA@aol.com
Subject: Brian's Seven Sea's of Loneliness 36

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to PhoenixPuma@aol.com or IPhoenixI@aol.com with good
or bad comments on the story.


Part 36: Hmmmm. a long wait (I guess were getting used to this eh?) I want
to say hello to all the new people I been bumping into in the boyband chat
room, its been refreshing, and Druid, thanks for The comments, it was nice
to have my ego stroked, it's been far too long. To the rest, I guess you
have him to thank for this chapter, cause. well. the good words got me
motivated to write some more. Dani, Gray, Bi, and the peeps from 69
flavors, and Kep from Complex thanx for dealing with my neurotic ass, and
Dani I have just one thing to say. CRACK! That being said. Back to those 7
Sea's.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 36 by Jon


	As Kevin lay in Nick's arms, all he could feel was the guilt,
nagging at him, eating at him. Hearing those words spoken, hearing how what
he had done was affecting Jon.  Hearing how Jon truly felt, and realizing
that Jon was holding it all in for his sake. Seeing Jon say it was really
his fault, instead of Jon placing the fault where it was truly due. on the
guys. The sobs were racking his body, and the tears fell like a dam, that
burst open, showing no signs of slowing, and no signs of tapering off. Like
the flood, rampaging the plains, after a long storm. So was Kevin's face,
thick with tears. His body ached, like nothing he had ever felt before. He
felt as if there were needles penetrating his skin, on a level below where
one could see. He felt hot iron's burning into him, as his skin crawled.
all at once. He could see the dull look in Nick's eyes. Nick was there
holding him, yet he saw no sympathy there. He saw wonder, he saw hurt, he
saw confusion, but no sympathy.  If he had the energy, he'd get up and
leave, and wallow alone, but he had not the want, nor the energy. Even if
Nick was there because it was expected, he didn't care. What mattered right
then was that, physically, he was there. For now that would do.
	Slowly the tears eased, and the sobs lessened.  saw no sympathy
there. He saw wonder, he saw hurt, he saw confusion, but no sympathy. If he
had the energy, he'd get up and leave, and wallow alone, but he had not the
want, nor the energy. Even if Nick was there because it was expected, he
didn't care. What mattered right then was that, physically, he was
there. For now that would do.
	Slowly the tears eased, and the sobs lessened. The light in Kevin's
eyes, that used to light up even the darkest rooms, had faded to just a
small ember of what once was. He looked like he was back in that cell,
alone, and withdrawn. As the sobs were all but gone, and the tears stopped,
for there were just no more there to come out, Nick stood, helping Kevin to
his feet. "You need to lay down Kevin, your drained." Kevin just nodded to
Nick, and tried to stand. He's knee's were as reliable as his emotions
right now, and began to buckle under his weight. Nick slid under him, and
put his arm around his shoulder, easing him up, and to the bunks. Carefully
Nick laid Kevin into his bunk, and then went in with him. As he rolled in,
he wrapped his arms around Kevin, looking straight into his eyes. What Nick
saw in Kevin's eyes scared him. He refused to show it, but he felt as if he
was losing Kevin, just by the look in his eyes. "Kevin, I'm here, and I'm
not leaving. When your ready to talk, I'll be right here to listen to
you. I'm not going to desert you. I'm confused about what happened, but I'm
not leaving you. Please open up to me." Kevin's eyes barely flickered as
Nick was speaking, as if he wasn't hearing what was being said.  Nick held
Kevin closer, squeezing their bodies together so Kevin could feel him, feel
his heartbeat, and know he was right there. Kevin's features were
expressionless, save for the vacant, look in his eyes, which were speaking
volumes in their eerie silence. That and the paleness that took over his
features. Nick closed the separator to the bunk, and turned out the light,
and laid there, staring into Kevin's eyes. Waiting for Kevin to fall
asleep. Then slowly he crept out.

************************************************************************

	All too soon, I was drifting off into a light sleep. I could still
feel what was going on around me. I could still hear what was happening
around me, but my body was in a slow form. Not reacting to the stimuli in
the area, but still absorbing it. I could hear Brian's whisper "My god, I
am so, so sorry Jon." Even if he didn't realize he said it. Then I felt his
hand brush the hair out of my eyes, and the soft kiss on my forehead, as he
left the bunk. It was only about 10 minutes when I heard someone else come
into the room. I knew it wasn't Brian again. I doubted I would see him
again, until I went out to him. I felt someone get into the bunks across
from me, and eventually I could hear Nick's voice. It was a soft,
reassuring whisper, but I'm not sure why he was talking like that. He must
have been talking to Kevin from the way he was talking and what he was
saying, but I can't imagine what would make Kevin upset. Things seemed to
be all right.  whisper, but I'm not sure why he was talking like that. He
must have been talking to Kevin from the way he was talking and what he was
saying, but I can't imagine what would make Kevin upset. Things seemed to
be all right between him and Nick.
	After a few minutes it seemed Nick had stopped talking, and Kevin
must have fallen asleep. I could hear him crawl out of the bunk, and I
could feel the cold air in my bunk. I could still feel the heat radiating
off my skin, and Nick's breathe on the back of my neck. By this point I was
too intent on trying to figure out what was going on with Kevin, I was
fully awake, but I knew he didn't know that. His voice seemed. desperate,
in its hushed whisper. "I don't know what to do this time to make it
right. All I can do is hope you two work this out, and one day you can
forgive them. Maybe time will heal, but I just don't know where to go from
here." I could feel a wet spot on my back, as a few tears dripped, then a
few more, and then more still. I rolled over to look at him. My right hand
instinctively went to his face, and my thumb brushed away the tears. I ran
my hand through his hair softly, and looked deep into his eyes. The blues
that were usually so deep and lively, were just dull and deadened. It was
glassed over, and withdrawn. I imagine I looked very similar to him. "Nick,
from here there is no where to go. I will either be able to work out my
past. or again it will consume me. If the latter happens, I'll say good-bye
before it starts to affect you all too badly, and go on my way." Nick just
shook his head, but I brought my other hand around to steady his shook, and
simply nodded my head once. The tranquillity I felt at the moment was
indescribable. I could see the fear on his face. he must have thought I
meant kill myself. "No Nick, I mean I will just walk away, and wallow alone
in my misery. I won't let you all suffer with me, because I can't deal with
my past. It's not your fault, it's not Brian's fault, and its none of the
other people's fault on this bus." Nick seemed to want to argue, but I left
no reason, no chance for him to argue. With that, he started to leave the
bunk area, and I got out of the bed.
	I walked over to him, and wrapped him up into a hug. I circled my
hand around his back, and squeezed him in close, allowing him to realize
that I am here for him. He grabbed on, as if holding on for sheer life. As
if when I let go, he was going to lose me forever, and lose control of his
life forever. As we finally pulled apart, I could see the gratitude in his
eyes. Instead of walking out of the bunk area, like he thought he was, he
went into his bunk and wrapped Kevin up in his arms, and fell into a light,
disturbed sleep.  I smiled, because it was in sleep that people seemed most
peaceful. The worries of the day, the wrinkles of worry, and the dispair
slipped away. I smiled seeing this side of Nick.  The innocence returning
to his face, as he slipped deeper into his sleep. I wondered if that was
what happened to me when I fell asleep, If I took on those same peaceful
qualities.  save when I had nightmares. which was more and more as of
late. This thought took my smile away, I would have a depressing thought
creeping in on my moment of joy.
	My skin finally started to cool down, though it was still a bit
sensitive to the touch.  I walked out into the main room, and sat on the
couch. I pulled out my journal of sorts. I started to write, and started to
put all my thoughts down. I could feel a tear or two slip, and I could see
them in the paper as they dripped onto it. Still I kept writing. I started
to let out all my thoughts onto the paper. Time seemed to be in slow motion
as I was going on and on. I remember seeing everyone look at me, and
eventually head to bed, and most of the lights being put out, save the
light in the room I was using. It was a small desk lamp, clipped onto the
couch, but the thing was ingenious. It provided just enough light to read
or write by, but not too much that it kept people up. Plus the bendable
neck, made sure you could get the right amount of light in the right
places.
	I remember looking up sometime later, after getting a drink, to
seeing the light out, and seeing the guys all starting to get up as I put
the journal away and the pen away. I remember the 60 or so pages I penned
out, and I remember almost none of the time passing. Not even a cramp in my
neck or my back to show for all the time sitting. I got a few awkward looks
from all. especially Gwen. Gray just gave an understanding look, and Brian
looked confused. Nick almost seemed rested, AJ and Howie seemed. content in
the look in their eye. Kevin looked like he barely slept at all, and
refused to look at me in my eyes. I found this really weird, but I would
get to the bottom of all that later.
	The bus slowed into a stop. It was a gas area, with some
restaurants, and it was virtually deserted. Gwen and Gray started taking
orders for what everyone wanted, and I was getting dragged off the bus by
both to drag food back with them. As we entered the building, I couldn't
keep my mind on anything. Even with all the writing, my mind was still
congested with all the thoughts of where I had been. Where I was going. And
where I was at the moment. I couldn't explain it, but there was this
nagging deep in the pit of my stomach, as if something was coming, but I
had no idea as to what it was. I just knew SOMETHING was on it's way
here. Usually I was prepared for these types of events, and had some prior
knowledge as to what was going on. This time, I was clueless. That bothered
me almost as much as what was going on. I couldn't get out of my head that
Kevin wouldn't even look me in the eyes when he woke up.
	As I was thinking, I felt something hit me in the chest. Then a
slap to the back of the head. well more of a cuff than a slap. I shook my
head to get out of my stupor, and looked at the two smiling faces staring
at me. "Something you needed? Are you feeding an army. or is that
chocolate?" That being said, earned me another cuff. Gray, in her sweetest
`you know you love me' voice, "Well we could use a big strong man to carry
some of these bags to that big bad scary bus over there." Then she
proceeded to over bat her lashes, making quite the scene out of it. I
grabbed the bags, ending up with most of the food, save one bag with Gwen,
and gray had drinks. They both had smiles on their faces, as if they just
won some major war. I looked at them, just to let them know I'd get back at
them. It was a short walk to the bus, and not a thing was said while we
walked over. I nodded to the driver, filling the tanks, and I handed him
his bag of food. He smiled his thanks, and continued his fill up, and
sipping the coffee that Gray handed him. When I walked on the bus, I nodded
to everyone, put the food down, and walked back off the bus.  I watched the
eyes following me, and I headed back to the restaurant to get myself some
food, and to think some more.
	I could hear the footsteps following me. I could also feel myself
sinking, knowing I was being followed. It always made the hairs on the back
of my neck when people walked behind me. Too many times I had been jumped
that way. I wasn't so bad that I would go into a major panic attack, but I
did have little ones. Not something I could help right then. After I walked
through the doors, I saw it was Nick following me. He backed off when I
didn't look back. Maybe he was saying something to me? I didn't hear
anything, but then again how much attention am I really paying. I went to
the counter, to this little girl. She couldn't have been more than 15. She
was staring at me, as I was looking over the menu. "Can. can I help you
sir?" she said incredibly. She looked at me like I was crazy. She also
looked like she wanted to explode. Maybe Nick HAD said something to me,
cause she looked at me like I had two heads for walking away from `Nick
Carter'. "Yeah, I'll have breakfast meal 2, with an extra sandwich, Extra
large OJ and an extra hash brown." She rang up the order, and then quickly
go my order together.  She seemed to be staring outside most of the time
she was waiting for my food to be made. "That will be. one autograph from
Nick." The look I must have been giving her could be nothing less than a
death stare. She was trying to bribe me with food, and I was getting very
irritated. "eeeeer $7.23 please." Trying to cover up her earlier
phrase. The damage was done, and the death stare was accentuated by the
redness in my face. It was time to explode, and she was the catalyst. I
began screaming at her "How DARE you!  Where do you get off. I come in to
get myself something to eat, you get paid to give me what I order from
you. How DARE you try and bribe me for an autograph, maybe I should get
your manager and tell him or her your giving out free food, on top of
insulting the customers, how dare you presume to ask for something like
that. I know the guys, yes.  Why on earth would I use that knowledge to
gain ANYTHING lady. Your mind can't even BEGIN to comprehend just how
insulting your mug is can you?" I could see the girl was near tears.. Where
was all this anger coming from? Her manager started to come up front as I
was yelling "Sir. sir, why are you yelling at her like that?" The manager
was using very condescending tones. If I was in her place I would have too,
not knowing what was going on. "WELL" I started "this "lady" was trying to
BRIBE me with free food for an autograph of some of my friends. We've been
in a bus for two days straight, ALL I wanted was some breakfast, and I get
harassed for autographs. OF all the unprofessional, Insulting, and
outrageous things to do. Where do you people get off? Who gives you the
right? People come here to eat, not sign napkins. It goes, I order, which I
did. She gets the food." I motioned to the girl who really looked
devastated. "Which she did. Then she tells me the price, and I pay. Not she
tells me it will cost me one autograph!"
	The manager looked at the girl, and very calmly asked her to go to
the office, and handed me the bags, along with some free food coupons, I
was still furious. I hadn't had a moment in my life where I was left alone,
and people were just trying to be close to me to get close to the guys. It
was getting ridiculous, I couldn't even go to a McDonald's and get my food
anymore. I stormed out of the restaurant slamming all the doors as I
went. I could hear the words fired yelled across the forum as I left. It
took only a minute before I boarded the bus, through gritted teeth told the
driver it was cool to go, and I walked to the tables. Taking a table, I sat
down to eat. I could see the guys coming, and Nick and Brian both sat in
the booth looking at me. I dropped my sandwich and looked at them.  "Yes?"
It wasn't said meanly.. a bit rude, but not too mean. "Boy someone gets
crabby after missing a night of sleep I do believe." Nick said and
smiled. I didn't smile back. I just got up, left the food there, and walked
away. `damn it! I can't even enjoy a meal in peace!'  was all that was
running through my mind. There was still this ominous feeling in my gut
that something was coming. Maybe I was that something. I felt like I was
about to blow up, and start screaming my head off at everything, and every
one. I had nothing I could yell at without hurting. All I could do was keep
walking away, and there were only so many places on a small bus to go to.
	I went in and turned on the TV, and popped an Anime into the
recorder. I switched it on, and relaxed trying to enjoy some alone time
with a good Anime. Again Nick and Brian sat down. Brian looked a bit
worried, Nick looked a bit. odd. I looked over, acknowledged their
presence, and then turned back to the movie hoping they'd go away. "Whatcha
watching Jon?" I simply got up, slammed the TV off, and looked to Nick
"NOTHING! Its all yours!" again I walked off, this time to the phone. I
dialed the operator, and listened to the message over and over to the time
would be. then a beep.  Eventually the bus started to come to a stop. I
knew we had the week off, and this hotel was ours till the concert there. 2
days of the "off" time were on the bus, 4 days were just off, the last day
the guys had rehearsal, and I had that day off too. I looked at the parking
lot and just thought `yeah, another place to go where I won't be left
alone, and won't have a moment's piece. I can't even be around just Brian.'
We quickly got off the bus, people staring at me the whole way. At the
desk, I got my room key, and Brian's key, and the extra to his room. I kept
the extra, handed Brian his room key, and pocketed his and mine.
	The trip upstairs was nice, while everyone took the elevator, I
opted for the stairs.  I managed to beat everyone in, and went to my room,
put my stuff down, and laid down.  The `do not disturb' sign was already
out, so all I had to do was. "watch someone enter my room without knocking,
or caring about my privacy" I mumbled, finishing the last thought
aloud. This time it was AJ, looking at me, and approaching the bed. `here
it comes' was all I could think of. I just rolled over, hoping he'd get the
hint I wanted to be alone. "What's the malfunction Jon? First you blow up
on some kid, in McDonald's, you didn't sleep last night, you don't eat
cause Nick and Brian say hi. You slam the TV off when they again try to
talk to you, then you don't even ride the elevator up, instead you take the
stairs, get in your room, and put up a don not disturb sign." I looked at
him, with pure hatred and evil in my eyes. I swear if I could have lasers
there I would. My eyes were narrow slits of brown, the white. unseen. "Is
it too much to be alone for one MINUTE of my life! All I get are people
getting close to me to get to YOU GUYS! I don't get a moment ALONE unless I
stay up ALL NIGHT! The I go to my OWN room. tell everyone LEAVE ME THE FUCK
alone, and I still have someone bothering me! Hell I almost wish I was back
in the hospital unconscious again. No one visited me, no one bothered me. I
was for all intents and purposes ALONE and left to REST, THINK, and sort my
thoughts!!!" AJ just looked. well like someone punched him, and knocked the
wind out. Still he didn't move. I was fed up. tired of this. As he sat
there, stunned, I picked him up over my shoulder, Which started him to
struggle a bit. and yell "LET ME DOWN!" Which of coarse was in vain cause I
was determined. I walked straight into his room, where there seemed to be a
gathering. and a lot of smiling faces looking at me.  The must have figured
I was in a better mood, and playing with AJ. I threw him onto the bed
roughly, and then they all saw my face. "Do not disturb means just that. DO
NOT FUCKING DISTURB!!!" I walked back out the side door, slammed
it. slammed the one leading to my room harder, locked it, and then put the
chain up in all the doors figuring they'd just get the spare key. It wasn't
too long before I heard my lock undo, and them try to open the door. And a
"Son of a." as the chain stopped them. "GO AWAY!"  Was all I said to them,
and went to sleep.


TBC.. OK it's short, and left off in an interesting place. Hope ya like
it.. I dunno when I will get another one out, I need to post A MidSummer
Night Kiss first. and I finally have a banner for MidSummer too J look for
me. Jon