Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2003 16:43:19 EST
From: ShadedPhoenix@aol.com
Subject: 7 sea's of loneliness 39-40

Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely
never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you
think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you
will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com,
if not lemme know why, same address.

	Forever... that's how long it's been since I picked this
up. There's been far too many excuses to be given, far too many things have
happened. So I guess the only thing I can say is... here is the next
chapter. Enjoy.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
Part 39 by Jon


	It's been over a year and a half since that last night in Brian's
room. A wonderful year and a half. We all stopped hiding things we thought
the others could never, or would never understand. And in this time, I
managed to let a little more of my past out. Not the whole thing, but
enough as it is. One tour has come and gone, and a second is in full
swing. I guess the oddest of all the revelations, for me anyhow, was when
Gracie, and Howie broke up... and a month later, AJ and Gwen broke up. Only
that was just the beginning. Gray and AJ got together, and Gwen and Howie
got together. Twists of fate. I think so. I guess its weird how things turn
out, but then again, they seem to work out how they were meant to be.
	2 cd's have come and gone by now. A greatest hits album, which
included Seven Sea's of Loneliness... tho somehow I think that was just for
my benefit. And the Black and Blue album, which the name seems to strike me
every time I see it. Their sales have been doing amazing, and their
recordings for the next album have been... relaxed. No rushing around for
this one. Well ok, Nick and Kevin have been... but that's mainly because
aside from this recording, Nick was doing a solo album, and Kevin wasn't to
be found too far away from Nick, at every chance possible.
	As for Brian and myself, things have been... amazing. We've spent
time with his family, a lot of time actually. It's been nice to celebrate
holidays with people again. None of them even make mention, or make
comments anymore when I tell them I am going to do a ritual, or celebrate a
holiday they have never heard of... much less could pronounce. In fact they
even joined in a few of them. Well ok, they watched. But that's more than I
could have ever asked of anyone. Brian seemed to be reading up more and
more on Wicca. I know he will never give up his practices for mine, but I
think its cute he wants to know more about the things that have my life
encompassed. Besides he has seen first hand, that its not all hocus
pocus. We've shared wonderful nights together, and better mornings, waking
up in each other's arms. He's backed off the sex thing, and I have loosened
up to it. Which of coarse, get me called a woman cause I changed my mind
again. Go figure. No we haven't had sex yet, but the touchy gropy things
have their merits.
	We've done all the cheesy things people in love do too. Long nights
in the park. Staying up all night, to see a sun set, get lost talking, and
see the sun rise too. Horse riding, picnics, all sorts of under rated
things. He's also cultured me a bit, as I have of him. He got me into the
country music thing, I got him into the wizards and warriors books
thing. And dungeons and dragons (after convincing him it wasn't the devils
book!) Actually I kinda got all the guys into it, giving us all something
to do on the tour bus when its all day trips. I still can't believe all the
time we spend on the bus. I was re-hired again as a body guard... with a
lot of Liberalness with my time. I worked when I wanted to for the most
part... and since I was rarely away from Brian, I was considered working
more than I was. I still do the alone time thing too... more than anyone
likes. But they have learned in the time with me, its something that's not
going to change any time soon. I bought a nice house out in Minnesota from
a good friend. She said when I could afford it. It's out in the mountains,
very secluded. I even got to make the meditation room of my dreams. 3 walls
are midnight blue, with gold patterns of Celtic suns, moons, and stars all
over it. The fourth wall, I painted a mural, which was NOT easy, of a huge
phoenix in the skies, with a nice waterfall, and lake beneath it. And
fairies playing all around. Cheesy, but I love it. There are 5 bedrooms,
tho I doubt they will all ever be used. The master bedroom even has a
Jacuzzi. That's getting a lot of use.
	Back to the tour tho. Its been slow paced. Ok, slow paced compared
to the other tours. This tour is just to keep them in the light a bit more
than on a vacation. Nick's CD due out in just a few months, they wanted
people to see the Backstreet Boys together, so they wouldn't think the
group was breaking up. I still haven't digested everything that's
happened. I still remember the days when I was working at the factory, and
never dreamed of more. Now I have seen parts of the world I might never
have seen otherwise. I still can't wait to see Stonehenge. Now that it's
been re-opened to the public, and there was a HUGE celebration there last
year for Beltane. Who'd have guessed there were that many druids and
witched to gather in one place, in unison. It was beautiful from the
pictures I saw, I only wished I could have gotten out there to see it.
	My writing has taken a somewhat more serious toll too. I've managed
to get alot of poetry written, some light, some heavy, and some so heavy
who needs an anvil. I know the guys are dying to read it. Still, I revise
some... and I am putting a book together, so they don't get to see it just
yet. I was always told not to show too much of a book before its time is
due. So here I sit, lost in thought on the bus. Just remembering times
past. I've actually learned how to smile, without faking it. I don't notice
a difference, but they do.
	"What's going on Jon?" I hear Brian's tired voice call, as he
snakes his arms around my waist. "Nada, what have you been doing? Besides
making a slave of videogames?" I quirked a smile at him. He knew I didn't
mind really, but I liked playing with him. "Well I finally found a game
Nick sucks at, and I am really good at..." I took this as a good time to
quite him with a kiss. Otherwise I'd have never heard the end of it. And I
could hear Nick coming too dispute what he just heard Brian said. "You beat
me cause Kevin was distracting... oh... sorry, didn't mean to intrude." I
broke the kiss... Brian standing there stunned. "Yes you did Nick, you're
into Voyeurism. You were just looking for a show." I smiled at him, with
that 'you got busted' smile. "Yeah cheap show no less." Nick retorted. "I
am NOT a cheap show. Its going to cost you 100 dollars for that peek. And
100 dollars more a minute for anything more physical." I quipped back. "OK
so it's going to cost me 100 dollars a minute to get more physical with you
Jon... lemme get the credit card!" Brian said as enthusiastically as
ever. "Um, Brian dear" I said in a sickly sweet voice "Its 100 a minute to
watch. SO if you want to watch me get physical, visa and mastercard, no
American express... and then I will grab Kevin so you can watch." Nick
looked ready to die laughing... and Brian looked... shocked. "Now if you're
looking for me to get physical with YOU, I see wine, and a nice dinner in
my future." With that I winked at him, and walked off whispering to Nick
"and I can take you at any game on that system, anytime." He just shook his
head, and I could hear the wheels in Brian's head spinning.
	As I walked up to the head of the bus, I saw Kevin sitting with
Howie, going over some paperwork, which they put down seeing me take a
seat. "Jon just the excuse we needed." They both said in unison, and
looking over shocked at the other. They were only still going over stuff,
cause they figured the other guy was still wanting to. "Well glad I made
someone's day." I chuckled, and they smiled with me. "So what's going
on... what's with all the paperwork?" The both shrugged at me, and Kevin
answered. "Just trying to make a schedule, that we can deal with, give Nick
time to tour, and do promotions on his CD, and still have some time off for
all concerned." I nodded. "So basically your working his schedule, and
yours Kevin, so you have time to see him, cause you know if you didn't he'd
leave it all in the air, and double book time?" Kevin just nodded, and
smiled. I'd learned a few things. Gwen took this as a good time to call
Howie from the 'Women only' bus, since this bus was kind of crowded. But
seeing as I was one of the girls, I managed time on both buses when I saw
necessary.  Who could say no to my winning smile, and warming charm. OK and
the chocolate I bring with me.
	"As the phone tolls, I am betting its one of the girls." Howie
smiled and nodded as he walked away for some privacy. "well Kev, it's just
us, Brian's brain is grinding with thought... I can hear it up here, and no
doubt, Nick is helping him. So what would you like to do? And if you say
read, I may smack the white off your teeth!" Ok so it was a mildly
threatening proposal, and he WAS grabbing a book. "Movie?" was his
reply. "Which one?" I was considering... we had the popcorn maker. "Anne of
Green Gables, then Anne of Avonle?" I looked up shocked. "You actually HAVE
those... ok I'm game. Wait you HAVE those?" I was shocked, to say the
least. Kevin nodded. "It came in my Fag Survival Kit." His face broke, and
he was chuckling. I was dumbfounded. But we popped the first movie in, and
Brian sat between my legs.
	"So Jon, is this the first part of date of wining and dining?"
Brian popped in. "Ask Kevin. It was his movie choice. He can wine me and
dine me. Then we can hop in the sack, and you can borrow Nick for the
night." I tried to keep a straight face, I really did. But the look on
Brian's face was too much. Then I saw Kevin's face, and I lost it. He
looked... stunned, then considering, then stunned, and shocked all over
again. So I sat on his lap "Whatcha think lover?" I batted my eyelashes
over-dramatically for effect. "I think, 'lover' that if your in my
boyfriends lap much longer, he's sleeping on that couch instead of my bed
tonight." Nick's voice clamored in with mock anger. Kevin looked at me,
then Nick, as if weighing his choices. Then promptly deposited me on my
side of the couch so nick could sit in his lap. "Well that took time... and
thought." I put my mock Erkel voice from family matters. "I'm wearing you
down baby. I'm wearing you down!" Tho I didn't snort... I couldn't and
wouldn't try.
	We all just dissolved into laughter, and then curled up into our
respective boyfriends on different couches and finished the first movie,
and started the next. Grant you they were 3 hour movies, and we all ended
up sleeping on the couches. I felt the bus stopping, and opened 1
eye... just in time to see a flash. "Gods DAMN IT! What's with the bright
lights and flashed." The light hurt. I saw AJ grinning like mad, as he kept
flashing, while people were waking up. "Ohhhhh these will make good
blackmail!" he said as he darted off. Brian looked up at me, sleep still in
his voice and eyes. "What's with the yelling. Oye!" I smiled, and told them
what I woke up to. Then saw the blushed on Nick and Kevin's face. They
weren't sleeping... they were humping. "Well I know who they are blackmail
pictures for now." If their cheeks were red before, they were crimson now.
	Nick and Kevin made a decent show of trying to cover up as Brian
and I capitalized on their naked rears with cat calls and rude comments,
causing both sets of cheeks on each of them to blush. As they covered up, I
tossed them their discarded clothes, allowing them to at least look decent
in appearance since they were already busted. I also noticed Brian was a
little excited, so I nudged him gently and when he saw where I was looking,
he started furiously blushing too. Luckily Nick and Kevin were too busy to
notice.
	"So should I grab my cards and see what happened to the wine,
dinner and movie Brian... or did I ask to much already?" I just raised a
brow to make it look like he better answer right or he'd be on the couch
tonight too. Brian caught the look and smiled. "Soon enough, you'll just
have to wait and see." I just shook my head smiling. Least he caught the
look I gave him. So we ended up rewinding the movie and finishing it.. this
time making the attempt to stay awake. Nick of coarse taking the time to
threaten AJ much bodily harm, and Kevin telling AJ he'd have those pictures
by days end or AJ wouldn't see a day off in the next 2 years. Between them
they managed to coax the pictures out of AJ, but I was more than sure AJ
managed to keep one or two hidden.
	"Well that movie was.... Long" Brian said as he yawned and
stretched. Nick nodded in agreement. "Hey Kev you got the third one... I
could see making this into a marathon of all" Brian covered my mouth as I
was finishing that obviously having had enough of the 'Fag Survival Kit'
for one night. So I started to lick at his hand, and nibble lightly as
Brian withdrew the offending appendage from my mouth with a fire in his
eyes. I could tell what he wanted, and smiled nodding to him. "OK I think
were retiring for the night. Try to come up for air once in awhile you
two." I smiled waving, getting the obligatory finger from nick and Kevin as
I grabbed Brian's arm and led him into our bunk. As immediately as the
curtain was shut, his hands were roaming. He knew how far the boundaries
were, but he definitely pushed as far as I was willing to go. Taking off my
shirt, and licking and nibbling as his mouth couldn't get enough of the
flesh. Once he had me to my boxer briefs, I turned the tables. "I do
believe you're a bit over dressed." So I snaked my hand underneath his
shirt, and gently pinched and rolled his right nipple, as my other hand
went up his back to get his shirt off, and just felt those muscles. So
defined, yet so hidden in his normal clothes. His arms were solid, if not
completely chiseled, and he had the cutest little stomach. We were both
just roaming, and exploring. Then his hand kept sinking lower, and lower,
till he grabbed the fabric-covered package. I could see the lust in his
eyes, and the hunger there. I had to admit, I had been feeling it a lot of
late as well. Slowly he started to lower my boxer briefs, looking up to see
if I would protest or not. I gave him a small nod, and his fingers started
to glide gently over the skin. I maneuvered a bit in the bunk as well,
using my hands to go under his boxers and massage his very nice cheeks.
	Then I felt a wet moisture around my firm cock, and a small moan
escape my lips unbidden. I took in the scent of Brian at the same time. A
musky smell, mixed with something else I could only describe as Brian. My
fingers glided over his ass, massaging as they went, and I stuck my tongue
out. I licked the small drop of precum at the head of his very engorged
head, and heard him gasp. Then moved one hand from his ass, as played
gently with his low hanging, almost hairless balls, while I impaled myself
on him. Slowly inch-by-inch letting it all in. As his pace started to get
faster, so had mine. Matching him as best I could. I heard a loud
semi-muffled groan come out of his mouth just before my mouth was suddenly
filled with his hot and thick fluid. Like a stick of dynamite exploding a
salty yet sweet mix. It tasted odd at first... but it was a taste that was
like his scent.... his alone. Just as Brian had finished his climax, and
caught a breath he had gone right back where he was. I looked at him... his
eyes were locked on his target... and I couldn't tell what he was doing,
but a hand came around massaging my balls, and twisting of his head, like a
tiger attacking a bloodied steak. Grabbing the sheets with white knuckles,
I tried to hold off and enjoy the feeling, but it was all I could do not to
scream.
	All too soon, a deafening scream penetrated my throat. I felt like
I was having a seizure, and an explosion was going off on my midsection at
the same time. The screams kept coming, like I was being beaten... but with
a hint of lust, and ecstasy. It took quite some time for my body to stop
shaking. I turned over in the bunk, head facing Brian, sweat matting both
of our hair. And I kissed him. Full out, forceful kiss. Urgent. I needed to
know he wouldn't run away now. I could feel old fears bubbling up to the
surface. I grabbed him in a bear hug and held him. Shaking... to afraid to
let him go yet. I could feel a few tears work out my eyes as I shook. Brian
just made shushing noises as he held me. Whispering that he wasn't going
anywhere, that he was right there and wouldn't leave. I wrapped my legs
around his, entangling as much of myself around him as I could. "Just stay
please... don't leave." I couldn't believe I did that. I let the urges I
had till now pushed away get to me. His eyes looked into mine. He must have
seen the fear in them... the withdrawing look. His blue eyes were like a
pool, calming, and drawing me in.


Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 40 by Jon

	Just as I was calming down... and the tears stopped running, I
heard a whisper in my ear. "I love you Jon, and there's no where else I
want to be than where I am now." I brushed a few stray hairs off his face,
and tried to smile. Just then I felt a really cold draft of air hit my
face, and Goosebumps on Brian's back. Then I saw 4 faces, ranging from
worry, to embracement, to shock. "Ummm, I think we now have an audience
Brian." He turned over, greeted by a bunch of 'ewws' and 'cover Brian
Jr. up before I gag' as he did, Brian having forgotten we were naked. I had
a blush that I was sure reached my feet at that moment, and I reached down
for a cover. Blinking furiously trying to figure out what was going
on. "Not that I'm not glad to see everyone... but... ah... why is everyone
staring like that?" ok so I shifted subjects in mid sentence. Brian just
chuckled. He managed to chuckle, and here I was completely horrified. So I
pinched him on the ass causing him to yelp. Yup that would teach him to
laugh when I was in complete mortification. He looked over at me with the
'what was that for' innocence that I smirked at. The other guys started
making excuses of where they had to be after a quick apology of ruining a
moment or whatever. Kevin explained they all heard the screams, and came
back thinking someone had died.
	Somehow I knew we wouldn't hear the end of that for many years to
come, but that was ok. I just nodded to them, assured everyone I was
alright, and closed the curtain. Brian turned around, and I could feel his
hardness against my leg. Maybe the pinch had excited him? "Can you just
hold me Brian? I'd just like to fall asleep and let everything seep in." He
nodded as I slowly drifted off in his arms, and he in mine. It was very
warm and cozy.
	Waking up the next morning, I felt around the bunk. He was
missing. I got out of the bunk... realized I was wearing nothing. Blushed
to myself, luckily no one was there to see me, and threw on some shorts,
and walked out to the main room of the bus. There Brian was, with Nick, on
the videogames. I could have killed him. I gave him the best or worst
Daggers in the eyes stare I had ever managed. I was fuming, and he didn't
even notice me. I'm betting he would notice when he smelt food. So I
decided to be evil, and turned on the mini stove, put some butter in the
pan, and let it melt. Scrambled some eggs up, and got the ham and other
fixings cut up, and started making a massive greasy omelet. Loading on the
cheese. Just as I was finishing, and the smell wafted into the other room,
I heard the game pause, and Brian came in as I started eating. "Smells
good. Is there enough for 2?" Brian said. He sounded happy. I didn't even
look up. "There might be... but I'm hungry enough for it all. But thanks
for asking." In the coldest voice I could manage and took another bite,
with the cheese all stringy and gooey just like I liked it. And he did too.
	Brian sat across the table and looked at me. "Jon would you please
look at me?" So I looked up, and Brian's face flinched back. It wasn't an
evil look. Just my normal, neutral, guarded look.  He obviously saw
something the night before... like an opening in my eyes, and could see the
difference. "Yes?" I said to him. Simple... but I saw him flinch again. His
eyes got watery. Maybe I had gone a bit far. I still felt abandoned
though. "What's wrong Jon? Your talking but you feel... cold." I just
looked at him and shrugged. "Maybe its from waking up in a bed alone. I
thought you would have figured out, that I needed you there this
morning. Was that game with Nick more important than being with me? More
important than at least waking me up and letting me know you would be gone?
I knew. Some how I just knew it would be no different with you than
everyone else. Next you'll get silent around me... then avoid me. Then ask
me to go. It's ok. This is my fault; I should have stopped it when I
could. I'll manage, I always have. I'll grab a bunk on the other bus later
today. Wouldn't want you feeling alienated on your own bus. Besides, there
isn't much room to hide here exactly. I will clean up after I eat, and at
the next stop I'll switch over. No biggie." Realization had just jumped
onto Brian's face, like he was just slapped, and realized it. "Oh Jon, I'm
sorry. No the game wasn't important. I went to the bathroom, and Nick
invited me in. Kevin was going over the papers, and you were sound asleep,
and peaceful. I didn't want to wake you. If I had realized it meant so much
to you that I been there this morning..." I just gave him a colder look
than before.
	"Brian it really is OK. Last night obviously meant more to me than
you. And I accept that. I thought you would have understood what it meant
to me last night when I asked you to stay. I thought you recognized the
fear there. I was wrong to assume that, and to think it meant more. Like I
said, I'm hurt, but not mad. I will deal. I always do." A few tears had
fallen down his cheeks by this point, and I shook my head and resumed my
eating. I couldn't look at him and risk crying. I held it together this
long. Just a bit longer. "Jon you know that's not true! Last night meant a
lot to me. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I really am." He came around to my
side of the table... and hugged me. I just let him. I know I was rigid. I
couldn't let him in any further, it would be that much harder to pull away
if I did. "Just tell me why Brian. Why did you say you loved me? You didn't
have to. It would have been easier to pull away if you hadn't. So why."
Nick stopped coming into the Kitchen, and turned around back into the room,
herding Kevin AJ and howie in there shaking his head as he did. Brian
opened his mouth as if to talk, and yet nothing had come out. So I resumed
eating again.
	I guess I honestly didn't expect an answer there. Then he turned me
around, making me look him straight in the eyes. "I said I loved you
because I meant it. And I still do. I should have been there. And I
wasn't. I'm sorry Jon. I made a mistake, and I was thoughtless. I don't
want you gone. I want you happy. These past months, seeing your real
smile. Your eyes lightning up. It's been Heaven. We still have the best
days ahead. I know sometimes I don't think the way you do. And I know
sometimes it seems like I was being careless... I truly wasn't intending to
hurt you. Please forgive me?" I looked at him... he looked sincere... but I
was still angry. I kissed his forehead. "I'll try, and I'll stay. But I
don't know that I will forgive you yet... and I know I don't plan on having
a repeat of last night anytime soon. I don't know what I feel, I just need
some space." With that, he got up, letting me out, I cleaned up and walked
through the main room, everyone jumped like they weren't listening, took
one look at me, and made no attempt to follow me into the back room couch
where I pulled a book out, and curled into a pillow hugging it tight.
Brian slowly made the same trip.... Looked at all the guys, then the door,
then the guys, then marched to the door, opening it, looking determined.
	"No Jon, not this time. Your not running away from this and closing
me out again. I don't go from hot to cold. Were talking this out before it
gets worst." I shook my head. "I'll be fine Brian, I need space. Please."
He nodded. "I'll give you space, if you promise to come talk to me when
your done thinking." I nodded, I couldn't fight logic... could I? He
smiled... and I smiled. Somehow he was starting to get it. Maybe he would
learn yet. Brian walked out, closed the door. Took a deep breathe and then
sat on the floor with his back on the couch. He didn't say a word, or pick
a game up... he just looked through the TV and nodded to himself. He knew
something changed when he went there. He finally realized sometimes space
was the best he could give. For once, he knew Jon wasn't going to bolt
after a small fight.


TBC... OH MY GOD HE POSTED! Yes I posted, be afraid. No guarantees on a
future posting, since well... things are up in the air here. I have started
a few newer stories, I must say you've had some great new stories coming up
to keep you entertained. I'm not reading Nifty a lot.... But more than I
was... so I should be back again in the not to distant future ~Jon~