Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 17:02:32 -0800 (PST)
From: NCfan <ngclle@yahoo.com>
Subject: calming waters 15

Hi everyone!  Once again, I just want to say that Nifty is an awesome site!
I really do enjoy writing and I can't believe that I've gotten this far.  I
just want to say kudos to all the wonderful people who have emailed me and
kept this story alive!  I'm sorry that I don't update regularly, but
seriously, I'm so busy.  And unfortunately, I haven't been able to read the
stories on Nifty lately because I'm so busy so to those who I have emailed
before and haven't emailed lately, I'm sure your stories still rock!!!!

Disclaimer: I don't know the BSB or Nsync.  This story is fiction and it
contains content of an adult nature that those under 18 should not be
reading.

*********************

Nick's head rested uncomfortably on the pillow.  Everything was just so
confusing it hurt to think.  Where was he?  It seemed like a hospital room,
but the last thing he remembered was running for his life in some sort of
forest.  And it was raining!  That he remembered clearly.  But why was he
running?  Was he desperately searching for Brian?  Or was he running away
from the people in that hut who had raped every last ounce of innocence out
of him?

Nick was scared.  He felt it.  He felt himself being violated, but he
couldn't stop the whole thing from happening.  It was like they put chains
on him, willing him to serve them.

The tears began to flow, one by one.  Why couldn't he forget it all?
Something bad must have happened to him before he blacked out.  Why didn't
that just kill him?  Now he felt like a vermin feeding on the community's
assets.  He didn't want to be a pity case anymore.  He hated himself so
much he couldn't bear living anymore.  So why did they rescue him when it
was so much more convenient not to?

Nick stifled another cry.  He didn't want the other man in the room to see
him cry.  He couldn't believe his eyes, or rather, he was too speechless to
address the man.  Great!  He was coming out of his unconsciousness and the
first person he sees is his father, Randy.  Nick was so stunned, he only
nodded numbly when the man spoke.  Was this a conspiracy?  How come the one
man he dreaded to see most was the first one to greet him after coming out
of this . . . whatever it was, tragedy?  Why are the meetings with this man
so immaculately timed that every time they saw each other, it was under
these circumstances, where he was sick and weak, and Randy was in a
position to comfort him.

But the funny thing is (and was) that seeing Randy never comforted him.

Nick opened his eyes and directed them towards Randy.  "What are you doing
here?" Nick asked weakly.

Randy shifted his position.  "Hey Nick, how are you?"

Nick stared at Randy evenly.  "I'm doing exceptionally well, thank you."

"Look kid, I didn't come here by my own will.  The hospital notified Jane
what happened to you last night."  Randy's voice was harsher than Nick
remembered.  He had never used this kind of tone with Nick.  Before, he
would always be soothing, coaxing.  Now, Nick sensed a change in him.

"So my very own mother doesn't want to visit me and sent you here," Nick
tried to explain to himself.

"It's not something you shouldn't expect," Randy softened.

Nick nodded.  "Right.  She still hates me, doesn't she?"

"Not hate.  She just can't cope with it.  Nick, she wants a normal family.
She doesn't want you to destroy it.  And quite frankly, nothing you have
done has helped bring the family together."  Randy's voice was quiet.

Nick's face became flushed with anger.  "So that's it.  She finds us in
bed, blames me for seducing you, and now blames me for the rest of the
things that happen in our family.  Well, tell her that it's okay.  I have
myself.  I don't need her to send you to pity me.  Tell her that I'm now
doing fine, that I'm alive and well and that I will continue to live
despite her."

"I don't think I need to tell her anything.  She already knows all that,"
Randy retorted.  "Look, Nick.  If you have any love in your heart, just let
things go.  I know I've put you through a lot, and many of the things I did
to you were . . . not right . . . but Nick, your mother no longer loves
your real father.  She's chosen to marry me.  You have to understand, I'm
not gonna love you like a real father does because you're not my real son.
And I couldn't provide you with the money for you to sustain your singing
career.  You needed to generate lots of money for that.  What other
alternatives did I have, but to . . . "

"But to sell me to other men for pleasure.  And while I was at it, enjoy
some of it yourself," Nick finished.

Randy's eyes showed fury.  "Here you go again.  Why do I have to give up my
life to help you succeed?  You wanted a career so it was either Jane or I.
One of us had to help you.  I went reluctantly because the other kids
needed their mother.  Hell, I didn't want to spend all that time while you
were auditioning alone, but due all your stupid auditions, I had to be
without Jane.  So there, I f---ed you, all right?  I'm a human being.  I
shouldn't be denied my basic rights!"  Randy glared at Nick.  "Plus," he
continued, "I shouldn't be the one with the responsibility to generate
money for you.  That's your own job.  So there.  Now you can say that you
provided for yourself!"

Nick stopped his tears.  Randy was right, wasn't he?  He's not my father,
Nick thought.  Yeah, Randy's reasoning sounded rational enough.  Nick
hesitated.  Had he been that selfish to only think of himself?  Maybe he
had been thinking through things the wrong way.  He wasn't having sex with
other men to provide for his family.  All that time, he was doing it to
provide for his future career.  Nick squeezed his eyes tight.  His head
hurt.  He didn't know whether what he did was right or wrong anymore.

Randy's voice was now barely a whisper.  "I came because the hospital
notified Jane of your accident.  She couldn't come.  Please understand
that.  She has the family to look after.  But I came to replace her."

Nick nodded, his eyes still closed.  "I understand.  Tell her I said
hi. Tell her that I'm okay.  I'm just tired now."

Taking that as his cue, Randy nodded and left.  When Nick no longer heard
his footsteps, he let out a painful sigh and let the tears flow down his
face.  It hurt to hear those words over and over again.  He knew that he
caused his mother a lot of pain, but he couldn't bear the thought of her
being so distant from him.  Worse, he felt so lonely without her love.
Ever since that day she found him and Randy in bed, she had withdrawn from
him.  She didn't withdraw from Randy.  She withdrew her love from Nick.  He
had not seen her for years.  But he knew that she kept a close watch on his
life, not lovingly, but warily.

And now, the thing that he feared most happened.  Randy had come to settle
the issue once and for all and finally dumped Nick out of the family.  So
many times, Nick tried to call his mother, to talk to her, to get some
sympathy from her, but she always replied curtly.  And now, Randy put in
the final blow.  And Nick knew that he shouldn't be a leech.  He knew
enough to not bug the family anymore because he knew that his mother had
been way too patient with him already.  He once tried to tell her that it
was not him, but Randy that initiated the sexual stuff between them, but he
stopped.  He didn't know why, but he just did.  He didn't try to defend
himself.

And now, he was happy that he didn't.  He thought of his brother and
sisters and knew that he would have been devastated if they were to lose
their father.

Slowly, he let the tears dry.  He was tired.  He needed rest.  He needed
Brian.  Where was Brian?  If Randy knew about his hospitalization, then
Brian had to know too.  This gave Nick some comfort.  Maybe, Randy waited
until Brian left to come into his room.  Maybe Brian would be there
shortly.  Nick closed his eyes, waiting.

********************

Brian and Moju finished off the last of their breakfast when they headed
back to Nick's room.  Brian was rejuvenated.  True, he didn't get much
sleep last night, but the thought that Nick was recovering was to
overwhelming.

"You look like you were just given a drug yourself," Moju grinned.

"Do I? Well, you look just as silly grinning yourself," Brian smirked.

"That's because we're going to see our one and only," Moju winked.

Brian's face paled at the expression.  He looked at Moju's face trying to
read the man, and what he saw sent shivers through his heart.  Moju wasn't
smiling anymore.  There was a determination in his eyes, a desire for
passion, for love.  Then it occurred to Brian.  Moju was not set on giving
in to Brian.  He was going to fight for Nick's love.

Moju turned to face Brian.  "You didn't think that I would give in that
easily, did you Brian?"

Brian calmed down.  "But Nick had already decided.  He loves me."

Moju smiled half-heartedly.  "That's because he was deciding between you,
Lance and Justin."

Brian looked at Moju curiously.  "You left Nick."

"I had that intention." Moju's voice was calm, but with that calmness came
an eagerness Brian didn't like.  Suddenly, Brian was struck with the truth.
The only reason Moju was being nice to him was because they united towards
one common goal--to rescue Nick off the island.  Otherwise, Moju would have
never treated him so nicely.  They were competitors, competing for Nick's
love.

Brian could see the desire in Moju's eyes.  He could tell that look of
yearning for Nick's love.  Brian gulped.  He didn't mind competing with
Lance and Justin for Nick's love because he knew them well.  But Moju?
That feeling of unease gnawed at him once again.  Moju was the romantic
adventurous type that Nick would fall for.  Moju was the mysterious one.
Brian was afraid to even think of competing with Nick.  But he couldn't
lose Nick, not at this moment.

Brian noticed that Moju's footsteps were getting faster.  He struggled to
keep up with the man.  He kept on sneaking glances at the stranger.  Moju
was tall, blond, and Brian had to admit, exceptionally handsome.  But
beneath the handsome features was a lot of intelligence and experience.
Brian didn't know whether to cry or scream.  He didn't want to lose Nick to
this man.

Moju smiled at Brian.  "I guess that means that it's between you and me,
now.  And I think we're pretty even, don't you think?"

Brian cringed.  "What do you mean?"

Moju laughed, but didn't answer.  Brian didn't like being the inferior one.
He couldn't tell what Moju was thinking.  Suddenly, he felt Moju's arm
around his shoulder, as if Moju was making one attempt at being friends,
but Brian shivered from the touch.  If Moju were his competitor, then being
friends was out of the question.

They both stopped in front of Nick's room, eager.  Brian was the first to
reach the door and quickly stepped in.  "Nick?" He asked, his voice unsure.
He didn't call out to loud lest Nick should wake up if he were asleep.  To
Brian's relief, his blond friend was not asleep.  His eyes were wide open.
However, Brian could see an emptiness in those eyes.

Something had happened!  Nick's face was pale and his breathing so soft.
Brian ran over to Nick, with Moju slowly idling into the room, observing,
analyzing.

"What's wrong, Nick?" Brian asked worriedly.  Nick's eyes suddenly
registered Brian and he pulled his arms around his older lover.

"Brian?  Is it really you?" Nick's voice was hopeful, but timid.  "Tell me
that this is all a nightmare.  Tell me."

Brian gaped.  He had never seen Nick so lost.  "Nick, you were kidnapped,
by Justin and his friend.  They tried to kidnap you, to keep you for
themselves, but I'm here now."  Brian looked around and saw Moju's quiet,
pensive form.  "And so is Moju."

Nick's head jerked up from the name.  He turned to see the tall, blond man
for the first time.  "Moju . . . " Nick's voice was more than a soft
caress, but already, Brian felt queasy about the way he said it.

Moju stepped forward, as if on cue.  "Nick."  His voice was equally as
soft, but more seductive, more alluring.  Brian stiffened while holding
Nick in his arms.

Nick's body relaxed in Brian's arms and he looked up at Brian.  "Are you
hurt Brian?  What did they do to you?"  The fear and worry in Nick's voice
was enough to dampen Brian's jealousy.

"I'm okay, Nick.  But you're not."  Brian's bright blue eyes searched
Nick's darker, more mysterious blue eyes.

Nick shook his head.  "I'm okay now.  Don't leave me, please!  When I was
on the island, I kept on trying to find you, but I couldn't.  I was so
scared."

Brian felt the tears fall from his face.  "And you did finally find me.
I'm here, aren't I?  And I won't let them take you away again."  Brian
stroked the blond boy's hair back.  "You come back to my place tonight."
Brian's voice was not commanding, just full of concern.

During that time, Moju remained quiet.  Brian didn't know what Moju was up
to.  Was he going to give up, seeing how attached to Brian Nick was?  Or
was he analyzing the situation trying to get a grip of who he was fighting
against for Nick's affection.  Brian looked down and saw that Nick's eyes
were focused on Moju.

It was now that Moju stepped towards Nick and Brian, his eyes drifting back
and forth between the two.

"Moju, thanks."  Nick smiled shyly.

Moju returned the smile.  "There's nothing to thank.  I shouldn't have left
in the first place.  I'm sorry, Nick."

Brian could feel Nick shudder under his embrace.  Was he shuddering from
happiness?  Brian again felt flustered.  Things were not going right.  Just
a moment ago, he was ecstatic.  Now, he felt so small.  He was about to let
go of Nick's body so that Nick could lie back down, but to his surprise,
Nick clenched on even tighter.

"Don't be sorry.  You have your life to live." Nick let the words die out.

Slowly, Moju sat on the bed.  "I took some time off, to see to it that you
become healthy and well."

Nick shook his head, but Moju silenced him.  "You don't want Brian to be
working 24/24, do you?"

Nick looked up at Brian who simply stared back.  "No."

Moju smiled.  "Good.  But the only thing is that you have to eat every last
chunk of food that I cook, deal?"

Nick chuckled genuinely for the first time since they entered the room.
"Really?"  Nick's tone was full of sarcasm, but Brian smiled when he saw
the humor lightening up Nick's face again.  He brushed Nick's hair back
again and smiled.

Still something was gnawing on Nick.  Brian could sense it in the Nick's
clutch.  It was a desperate attempt at keeping Brian near.  Something had
happened before he came into the room, but Brian didn't know what.  What
could have possibly frightened Nick so much that his face was even paler
than when he and Moju had left for breakfast?

"When do we go?" Nick asked, leaning into Brian even more.

"They said that they need to do a physical exam on you and then we can go,"
Moju replied, his face taut with sadness.  Brian almost felt sorry for the
guy.  Though he might not have been the easiest guy to read, Brian had seen
the frank fear in his face when they found Nick unconscious.  Brian could
see the worry and the love in the man's face.  And Brian knew that whether
Nick chose him or Moju, both would love the blond boy just the same.

As if reading Brian's mind, Nick loosened his grip on Brian and let his
hand drift to Moju's hand.  Nick pulled Moju's to his and grasped it
tightly.  The tears trickled down his face, tears of happiness, of love.
The three sat there quietly until they heard a knock on the door.

All three jumped from the intrusion.  A young man with a short white coat
stepped into the room.  "Hi!  My name is Paul.  I'm a student-doctor, and
I'm here to do a little exam on Mr. Carter and then, if everything is set,
he can go!"  Moju and Brian smiled.  Nick's recovery was amazing.  He would
leave, today!

Moju and Brian instinctively stood up to leave the room, but Nick called
out to them.  "Don't go, please."

Nick hated being so dependent.  He hated himself for pleading like a baby
and if he could, he would take it back.  He saw the eyes on the doctor or
student or whatever the person was.  He saw the scorn in those eyes, but he
couldn't help it.

The doctor/student walked up to him and said in a soft tone, "It's okay.
No one's gonna hurt you.  If you're not comfortable, then they can stay if
you want."

Nick nodded shamefully.  The student/doctor smiled and took out his
stethoscope.  Nick's heart beat faster as the guy innocently put a hand on
Nick's shoulder.  Nick shuddered.  He hated the touch.  Not that he had
anything against the guy.  He couldn't bear the touch.  But he stood still.
He wanted to go home.  Slowly, the student/doctor worked his way down to
Nick's abdomen.  Nick felt himself stiffen from nervousness.  He dreaded
what was about to happen.

To his horror, the student then pulled the gown up and the blanket down to
expose even more of Nick.  Nick blushed, feeling the heat rise to his face.
He had to swallow a few times as the student/doctor's hand moved towards
his hips and close to his privates.  He knew he was overreacting, but he
felt so shameful.  Slowly, the tears began to flow again.  "Don't, please."

The student/doctor immediately stopped.  "Are you hurting?" the guy asked
in concern.

Nick shook his head.  "Don't examine that area, please."

Brian and Moju immediately stepped up to the bed.

"Is there anyway you could skip, you know, that area?  He's just a little
sensitive," Moju asked quietly.

The student/doctor looked at Nick nervously.  "Are you sure you're okay?  I
mean, are there any other problems you want us to address?  This is simply
protocol.  I won't look at your privates.  I just need to feel the pulses
next to them, okay?  It's protocol."

Brian walked up to Nick.  "You are okay, right Nick?  He's just gonna feel
the pulses.  He promises not to make you any more uncomfortable."

Nick heard Brian's soft voice and relaxed a little.  He nodded glumly.  But
still, he stiffened when he felt the cool hands brushing against his skin.
The student/doctor did his best to not overreact to Nick's strange anxiety.
Then, as quickly as his hands touched Nick, he withdrew tham and pulled the
gown back down and focused on Nick's legs.

When done, Nick breathed out deeply.  The student/doctor turned to look at
Nick.  Then his eyes drifted to Brian's and Moju's.  He was about to say
something when he stopped and nodded.  "Everything seems good.  I'll talk
to the resident and we'll see if we can get you out soon, okay?"

Nick nodded hesitantly.  Brian and Moju saw his relief and exchanged
glances with each other.  Something was terribly wrong.  Something was
different about Nick.  He was overreacting!  But they didn't say anything.
It was something to be handled behind the curtain and they would wait
patiently until they got home.

********************

Nick was eased onto the couch slowly.  He didn't want to go to his bedroom
while the other two cooked in the kitchen.  He wanted to be near them.
Brian noticed the dependency and was now, more than ever, curious.  Moju
simply and consciously ignored Nick's attitude for the time being.

Since Moju was the stronger and bigger of the two, he carried Nick into the
living room and placed him on the couch, much to Brian's chagrin.  Brian
watched longingly as Moju wiped some hair off of Nick's forehead and smiled
lovingly at him.  "Get some rest," he whispered quietly into Nick's ear.

Nick nodded and closed his eyes.  Moju rested his hand against Nick's cheek
and caressed them gently while Nick tried to fall asleep.  Within minutes,
Nick rested peacefully on the couch.  Moju stopped and stood up, with Brian
staring at him cautiously.  Moju tilted his head, motioning for Brian to
come with him to the kitchen.

"I'll go buy some food and stock up your fridge.  Why don't you stay and
clean up a little, keep Nick company?"  Moju said easily.

Brian didn't budge.  "I . . . I don't know how to say this, but this is
really awkward."

"Awkard?" Moju raised an eyebrow.  Then he smiled genuinely.  "You're
scared of me?"

Brian refused to admit it.

Moju smiled even wider.  "Rather than thinking of it as a competition, why
don't you just think of it as sharing.  We both get to take care of Nick,
and we both get a half of him.  How about that?  He doesn't have to devote
all his attention to one or the other.  We both get his love.  We both get
his attention."

To Brian, the theory was flawless, but something at the back of his mind
nagged him.  "Why do you think bigamy is illegal in this country?" Brian
asked curiously.

Moju laughed even harder.  "Bigamy is for those whose marriage is
documented.  But remember, we don't have that problem.  We don't have to
put our love on paper.  So in a way, bigamy does not apply to us.  And I
don't see what's so wrong about sharing."

Brian suddenly laughed hard.  Now why hadn't he thought of that.  No!  He
was too narrow-minded.  Moju's words made sense.  Nick could love both of
them!  Or at least, Brian hoped Nick didn't withdraw his love from Brian.

But that conversation was eerily discomforting.  Something didn't sound
right.  But Brian couldn't put his finger on it.  He looked at Moju
appreciatively and nodded.  Soon, Moju was out the door and Brian was left
to contemplate the situation.

He walked out to the living room and once again gazed at Nick's youthful,
beautiful face.  He kneeled next to the boy and slowly began to touch his
cheeks gently.  "Tell me what's wrong, Nick.  I'll kiss it all away!"

Brian felt his tears falling.  Nick's eyes opened slowly and registered the
older boy's sadness.  "Tell me what they did to you," Brian urged the
younger boy.

Nick looked into Brian's eyes, but his lips didn't move.  He refused to
talk.  That was when Brian realized that whatever happened had broken Nick.
The blond boy was holding back everything, refusing to share, refusing to
let Brian in to heal whatever wound that those bastards had gashed.  Damn
Justin!  How could he?  He had destroyed Nick inside out, just from one
silly brash move.  And now, Brian couldn't reach Nick.  It was as if all he
got left was an empty shell, but the body's soul had wandered off.

Brian kissed Nick on the lips.  No response.  That was when Brian thought
back to Moju's words.  Maybe, just maybe, he needed Moju there after all.
Moju was right.  They could work together, all three of them.  There was no
stupid competition.  How could his mind act so simplistically?  Wasn't that
what created all these problems in the first place?

"Nick?  Don't leave us.  You're the reason I live, the reason Moju and I
live.  Please."  But as Brian said that, he didn't even see a flicker in
Nick's eyes.  The fear that Nick had shown earlier that die was veiled
behind a mask of indifference.  The beautiful features of Nick's face was
still there, but they lacked a vitality.  Brian cried for the loss of
Nick's soul.  In only one day, he had it all and he lost it all.  Brian put
his forehead to Nick's and waited for Moju to come back home, for Moju to
bring some life back into the house.

***********************

I know it has been a while.  Seriously, school is so exhausting now and I
don't think I can handle being scrutinized every day.  For those of you
following my other story, Desperate Measures, that will be next on my list
of updates, but since I'm gonna be working for the next 14 days straight,
please be patient with me!!!!!!!