Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 09:04:04 EST From: That's The Way I Like It <bsb_stories@hotmail.com> Subject: Gay/Celebrity/Boy-Bands "Changes" Chapters 11-12 Please don't read if you are offended by gay themes. The usual disclaimer applies. CHAPTER ELEVEN Destiny was still on stage performing and the Backstreet Boys and their entourage were finding new things which were going wrong for their opening night of the tour seemingly every second. One of the dancers had pulled a muscle in her back and was getting it iced, and in the meantime Destiny's mother LaShondra, who'd come with her sixteen year old daughter as a chaperone, had lost track of their toy poodle, Baby J, who had already peed on the floor before deciding to disappear somewhere in the bowels of the building. A.J.'s mike had shorted out during the last soundcheck and he was nervous that it would go again in the middle of the performance. Nick was on the phone with his mother talking about something which was causing him great consternation. At the same moment, Brian and Kevin were having an argument in one of the dressing rooms. "Why the hell did you say that to Misha?" "Brian, I just think he's got his nose too far into your affairs." "Kevin, for God's sake..." "Maybe I didn't go about it the best way, but the last thing we need is some outsider coming in and making things even worse." "Kevin, I know Misha. We've talked, we've spent time together. He's a good guy." "Yeah, I know you spent time together." "What's that supposed to mean?" "He wants to break up you and Nick. And then what's going to happen?" "First of all, Kevin, I don't know what is going to happen between me and Nick, but that's my business." "No it's not." "What? You-" "No, it's not Brian. It's the group's business. The two of you decided to start fucking, don't blame me." "No, I'm sorry. Kevin, that is bullshit." "Oh really Brian? You don't think your little drama has any effect whatsoever on the rest of us? You don't think our whole future depends on your sex life? Well, guess what... I think you're wrong. Things are up in the air right now and you playing games with Nick is gonna be the kiss of death for Backstreet Boys." "What the hell kind of guilt trip are you-" "Guys," Clive interrupted, sticking his head in, "you're on in five." Kevin and Brian nodded at him rudely and waited for the door to shut to start going at each other again. "Now you listen to me, Kevin -" "No! You listen to me!" "You have no right to try and run my life or Nick's life or anybody's life but your own!" "You think nothing you do affects anybody else? You selfish little piece of shit!" "First off, you have to insult a decent guy... What's the matter, Kevin? Were you jealous that he likes me? I know it's rough on you ... why the hell didn't you go after him then? Do you really like being alone? Well now you've alienated him, way to go Kev!" "You're still thinking with your dick, like a teenager, it's no wonder that you hit it off so well with Nick, you both act like children!" "Guys, please!" It was Clive again, this time accompanied by Howie, A.J., and Nick. Kevin and Brian had been shouting at each other simultaneously, and when they left to head to the stage, Nick brushed off Brian's attempt to put a hand on his arm. "Nick-" "Just leave me alone," Nick snapped. "Everybody, over here... now," Clive shouted out, and the five guys banded together, huddling close. "No more fighting right now," Howie said in a tight voice, "this is about the group." A rush of nervousness seemed to shoot through the five men like electricity. They each clutched the hand of the person next to them. Brian wished that Nick was in reach, but he wasn't. He grabbed one of Howie's hands and one of Kevin's. Everybody's hands felt sweaty. "So do you think it's going to be a complete disaster?" Dani asked Misha as the guys began their performance. "No, I don't think so at all," he replied quietly. "These guys are professionals." Dani nodded. Despite all the tension, all the in-fighting and mistrust that had built up, the harmonies sounded richer than ever, the dance moves were sharp and the new arrangements were exciting and brought new depth to the solo projects. Everything did sound better when it was done as a group, and each of the guys seemed to realise it as the night went on. By the time the show ended, the big group hug on-stage seemed very genuine, and the screaming, sold-out crowd thundered their approval. "You guys sounded amazing!" Dani hugged A.J. as he gulped down a glass of beer backstage. "Thanks, babe," he said, sounding a bit distracted. "Gotta get changed." "Sorry," she smiled, and let him go. Dani turned, still smiling, but her face fell when she saw the look on Misha's face. "What's your problem?" "You," Misha said. "What kind of screaming teeny bopper have you turned into all of a sudden?" "What? I'm sorry, I get caught up in the pop star excitement... forgive me, I'm a humanoid!" She tried to laugh, but didn't like feeling insulted by one of her best friends. Misha just shrugged and walked away. What, am I making a fool of myself? Dani asked herself. Maybe she was getting a little familiar. But A.J. was so friendly; he didn't seem to have an attitude the way Howie and Kevin or Nick did. Even Brian was a bit aloof with her. Last night, she'd gone to hang out with the guys at a club and it did feel a bit awkward; she'd left early, claiming fatigue. But wasn't that just because she hadn't really clicked with all of them yet? Dani felt perfectly comfortable hanging with A.J. She tried to shake it off, feeling a bit unsettled, and labelled her film canisters from that night's show. Maybe I'll find A.J. later tonight, Dani told herself. At least he treats me with a little common respect. "Nick, there is nothing going on between me and Misha. Look at me." Brian put his hand on Nick's chin, but the blond wriggled away from him. "I don't believe you," Nick said, "I heard what you said. Don't try and twist it." "I'm not twisting it! I never said that we did anything together, because we didn't! He was trying to help us get back together!" "I've seen how he looks at you," Nick said angrily, "and how he looks at me too. He doesn't like me. He's never even said anything to me, it's only Dani who talks to me." "Nick, you've barely had any time to talk to him, first you were busy with ... Mario ... then you were-" "Oh, what? What is that supposed to mean?" "I just mean, when Mario was here, you were hidden away with him, or you were high..." "Thanks a lot, Brian," Nick said, yanking his pants on in the dressing room with an offended air. "Nick, I don't mean anything by that! I'm just saying-" "No, you do! Or else you wouldn't say it like that!" "Nick..." Brian groaned and sat down on the bench, putting his head in his hands. "Oh, now what? You're irritated by me?" Brian just sighed. Was it a crime to be irritated sometimes? "Fine Brian," Nick said dramatically, snatching up his belongings, "why don't you go sleep with Misha then, since he's so much better than I am!" "Goddamnit, Nick!" Brian said angrily, standing up quickly. "Stop it!" "You think I'm stupid?" Nick said, "you think what I'm feeling is stupid?" "No, I don't think you're stupid, damnit, why are you making this into a big deal!" "You don't care what I think! You think what I feel is just stupid..." Brian kicked the bench. This was ridiculous. Nick was behaving like a thirteen year old. "What do you want, Nick? Are you trying to make me angry with you? Because it's working!" "Why would I want you to be angry at me?" Nick sobbed. "You're such a jerk, Brian!" He went storming off and Brian collapsed on the bench, feeling dazed. Nick went dashing down the hall, partly blinded as he cried, and smacked right into Misha, who was on his way in to see if he could find Dani before they left. "Sorry," Misha mumbled irritably, and he stopped, realising that Nick hadn't said anything or moved. "Something wrong?" he asked. "Stay away from Brian," Nick said, his blue eyes full of tears. Misha snorted at the tall blond. "Don't worry," he hissed back, "I was already put in my place." "Good," Nick said tearfully, "because he loves me, and you're nothing. You're worth shit, and if you do anything to piss me off, I'll throw your sorry ass off this tour." He spun around on his heel and marched off. Misha's head spun with rage; he'd never been so insulted and so angry in his life. "I'm sorry," a little voice said, and Misha turned, his eyes flashing hatefully. It was Brian. "Nick's being really immature for some reason," Brian said, looking down at the ground. "He's not usually like that. He's just super sensitive right now." Misha just stared. "I also heard about what Kevin said to you," Brian said even more quietly; Misha could barely hear him. "I feel like a complete bastard," Brian continued, "I never meant for anything like this to happen and I want to apologise on behalf of the entire group." "It's okay," Misha said dully. It wasn't okay. He'd just been treated like dirt. Was it worth it to get the paycheck he'd been promised? He'd have to break his contract and give back the money he'd been given up front. Could he even do that? "Listen man," Brian said, putting a hand on Misha's shoulder. "I want to make it up to you. At the very least, Kevin and Nick are both gonna be apologising to you." "Don't worry about it," Misha said brusquely. "Kevin is not a bad guy either," Brian said, giving Misha a pleading expression. "He's just been a real sour puss the last year. His last relationship really fell to bits and he's taking it out on everybody, not just you." "I can't imagine why his last relationship didn't work out," Misha said icily. "I hope he was at least dating somebody 'on his level'." "On his level?" "Yeah, that's how he put it to me." "Oh man," Brian sighed, "I mean it, these guys are not always total assholes. You probably don't believe me." "Can't say I do," Misha said with a hint of a smile. "I gotta go see if I can fix things with Nick," Brian said, looking fatigued by the very idea. "Good luck," Misha said wistfully. And if you're ever interested in dating somebody who isn't a spoiled little brat, call me... Misha and Dani made up over a late dinner and gossiped about the bizarre lives of the Backstreet Boys. There seemed to be a never-ending stream of amusing things to pass on to one another. "Kevin has a tattoo? Do all of them?" "Haven't spotted any on Howie," Misha said with a forkful of pasta in his mouth. "Of course, I haven't looked at him quite as closely." "Heh," Dani laughed, "Kevin is definitely quite a morsel. Too bad he's such a prick." "Brian was trying to convince me that he and Nick are not actually horses' asses." "Hmm," Dani smiled, "how sweet of him." "He *is* sweet," Misha said with a straight face, finally laughing when he saw Dani's eyes roll. "Seriously," Dani said, "maybe Kevin is just being a jerk because he secretly lusts for you." "Yeah, like a third grader kind of crush?" "Exactly!" They clinked glasses. "Good one. But doubtful." "Do you think he likes anybody, or is he so bitter that he's become a devout masturbator?" "Hmm," Misha smiled, "now that's a mental image I could deal with." "Sicko." "What? You said it, not me!" "I was saying it in a clinical sense." "Yeah... Sure, Danielle." When they got back to the hotel, Dani said good night to Misha and stopped by A.J.'s room to see if he was around. She could hear music playing as soon as she turned the corner, and with a smile, Dani rapped on the door. "Alex, are you in there?" There wasn't any answer, but it was rather loud, so she knocked again and then turned the door knob. A.J. was on his way to the door and she almost smashed into him as she stepped in. "Oh..." he said foggily, "hey." "Hi, what are ya ..." Dani stopped short as she noticed that A.J. wasn't alone. In fact, there were two very scantily clad women sprawled out in the room doing shots of vodka and giving her smirking looks. "You want to come party with us?" A.J. asked. He sounded fucked up as all hell, and Dani backed away. "No, that's okay," she said. Dani had never felt like such an idiot, at least not since junior high. She could feel tears building up in her eyes and her cheeks beginning to flush. "Dani, what's wrong?" A.J. slurred, confused. "Nothing, nothing," she choked, backing quickly down the hall. The corner came up soon, thankfully, and Dani fled to the elevator. She slapped the button hard with the side of her hand and let her eyes dart to the side. A.J. wasn't coming to find her, though, and Dani rode up alone to her floor. She curled up on top of her bed and sobbed, letting it all out now that she knew she wouldn't be disturbed for the rest of the night. "I'm such a fool," Dani cried into her pillow, "how could I have fallen in love with A.J. McLean?" It wasn't particularly comforting to have to listen to Nick and Brian having sex in the room next door, so eventually Dani took her comforter and pillow and camped out in the bathroom, a nice little enclosed space where she felt hidden away from the world. CHAPTER TWELVE "Too bad we can't ride on the other bus with the band and the dancers," Misha was saying as he and Dani stood outside in the damp morning air, loading luggage on to the Backstreet Boys bus as they prepared to drive through the Dutch countryside to the next tour stop. "I wish," Dani said in a flat voice. "That would be nice, wouldn't it. Kinda doesn't fit in with the whole document-the-tour concept, though." Misha laughed. "Well, at least you can chat with A.J. I guess if I'm lucky Nick will be asleep or get left behind accidentally, and then I could talk to Brian." "Yeah," Dani said sadly. She still felt like a fool, and was dressed like a slob in an over-sized navy blue sweatshirt and flare jeans with sneakers. Gradually everybody boarded, and they were off. Howie and A.J. had been up late and they both crawled into bunks to sleep through the morning. Kevin sat in the kitchen with his laptop computer and a mug of coffee. Nick went in the back to play a video game and Brian sat up front listening to music and watching the country side go by. "I'll go talk to Nick," Dani said, "I'll try to get to you guys first if it looks like he's gonna go in there." Misha laughed. "I don't even know if I'll be talking to Brian. There's no need to set up some big covert operation." "Yeah, whatever," Dani said with a grin. "Go talk to him." Dani slid herself onto the couch next to Nick, who seemed completely engrossed in his game. His bright blonde hair was tucked under a hat, making him look even younger than usual. She watched the game for a few minutes before she just had to comment. "I guess just having the car be on a race track is boring, huh," she said, as Nick went through a variety of 3-D levels. "It's not just driving the car," Nick replied, his eyes never moving from the screen, "you have to do a lot of other skills too." "Hmmm," Dani said in as bored a voice as she could muster, hoping that he wouldn't launch into some long description of the video game. He didn't, although Nick did pause the game to eat some of the caramel popcorn he had sitting out. "Want some?" "No thanks." Dani observed him as he munched away. Nick ate like a kid; little crumbs were covering him within seconds. He was a handsome young man with an expressive, changeable face which seemed made to be captured on film. As a photographer, Dani studied Nick; she could see so much in his face that she wanted to bring out with different angles and lighting. "What?" Nick asked. "Nothing," Dani smiled, "I was just thinking about some photo shoots I'd like to do with you." "Oh yeah," he smiled, "that would be fun." "You like doing those?" "Usually, yeah. It's kind of like acting, and I don't really get to do that any more. I mean, in our videos, but that's not really anything." Nick laid back on the couch and sprawled his limbs out every which way. He took up a lot of space. "So how old were you when you joined the group, Nick?" "Um, well, we didn't really get going until I was 13. That was our first year together." Nick talked with his mouth full and fumbled around for his bottle of soda, which he found in a precarious place on the floor between his feet. "Do you ever wish you'd gone to high school and all that?" Nick shot Dani a look; she didn't realise that he got asked this in almost every interview. "Sure, of course," Nick said. "Are you sure you don't want any popcorn?" "Oh, all right," Dani smiled. It seemed rude to just watch him eat, so she put three or four kernels in her hand and nibbled at them slowly. "And it's the same for your little brother?" Nick nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. Mom's trying to raise him different. She doesn't want to make the same mistakes." He sighed. "What do you mean?" "Well, like for instance, Mom thinks that because I didn't go to school and have friends my age, I was on tour instead, that's why I'm gay." "Oh," Dani said, a little taken aback. "She thinks, you know, they did it to me." Nick waved his hand around generally. "Oh... That's not good." "No, it's not," Nick continued. He wasn't looking Dani in the eyes any more, although he was making great progress devouring the bowl of popcorn. "So she's always pushing Air real hard to be straight and do stuff with girls. If he turned out gay, I think she'd really freak." "That's got to be tough on you, though." Nick shrugged. "I guess. She gets real mad if I act gay around him, like if I hug Brian or something." "But Aaron knows." "Oh yeah." Nick laughed. "He knew before my mom knew." "And he doesn't care?" "Well... Sometimes Mom and Dad will tell him lots of stuff about gay people, and then the next time I'd see him he'd tell me it too, and how I was wrong to be gay and stuff, but you know, after he was around me for a while he'd forget about it. Aaron's a really cool kid." Nick smiled to himself. "I was so happy when I finally got a brother." Dani rubbed Nick's shoulder affectionately. "I'm sorry to hear that about your family, Nick." "Ah, it's okay," Nick said, smiling up at her. Too bad he's gay, Dani thought; he has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. His whole face lights up, and I always thought that was just an expression... "Look Nick... Can I ask you something?" "Uh huh?" "It's kind of a weird question." Nick laughed and licked his fingers. "Uh... Okay, I'm kind of a weird person." "What are you looking for in life?" "Huh?" Nick blinked at her. "That's not a weird question, that's a hard question." "Okay," Dani laughed. "You didn't ask if you could ask me a hard question." Nick pouted at her and then broke into another unbelievable smile. "Just answer, and then there's a part two." "Oh man," Nick laughed, "you're sadistic!" Misha was on his way to talk to Brian and walking through the kitchenette when he was stopped by Kevin. "Excuse me, Misha?" The photographer sighed and turned around, resting his hands on his hips. "Yes?" "May I say something to you?" Kevin looked apologetic, and Misha nodded at him warily. "Look, it's about what I said..." Kevin looked down at the table top which folded out from the wall. "I really came off like a big jerk, and that was not my intention at all. I was looking for somebody to yell at, and ... well, I just hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. It was a stupid, rude thing to do." "I-" Misha started, but Kevin jumped in again. He tended to speak very slowly and deliberately, and god help you if he didn't finish what he had planned out to say. "I was really worried about the band. Somehow that made me look for somebody to blame, some outsider, since that's easier than just saying, 'we're fucked up, us five.'" Misha nodded, wondering when this spiel was going to end. "I just wanted to let you know that I've cooled off, been told off by my cousin, and I've realised that I acted like a gigantic ass." "Point taken," Misha said. He didn't care any more if Kevin was finished yet; he was getting bored. "Look, it's okay. I'll get over it. I just... I'm not used to being talked to like that, frankly." Kevin shook his head. "I feel really bad..." "It's okay," Misha said quickly, not wanting Kevin to start talking again. "Maybe we can have dinner once we get to the next city, and work things out." Kevin looked up at him, seeming a bit surprised. "That would be nice," he said thoughtfully (and slowly). "That is a really nice idea." Misha scuttled off to find Brian. "Maybe just like, help the planet somehow," Nick was saying, resting his head on the back of the couch and staring up at the ceiling of the bus. Dani laughed; he had a child-like quality to him that could be charming at times, and irritating at other times. "Maybe just to be happy, and make my family happy, and have my mom and dad be proud of me..." Nick turned his head on the back of the couch. "Is that okay?" "Yes, you did very well," Dani smiled, patting his knee and cooing at him. Nick grinned. "Why are you asking me that anyway?" "Well, I think to take photos of somebody, it helps to understand what they're all about." "Oh. I guess that makes sense." "So you're not just a pretty face." Dani smirked at him and Nick did a few Vogue poses for her. "Of course not, darling," he said, "you're forgetting all this!" He ran his hands up and down his body and rolled his eyes. "Part two," Dani said. "Mmmm," Nick whined, "do I have to?" "It might be easier. I want to ask you the same question, but about A.J." "A.J.?" Nick looked at her as though she were an alien. "Yeah." "Why do you want to know about him?" "Same reason." Nick squinted at her. "Hmmm, I believe you," he grinned. Dani slapped his leg. What a time for him to be smart. "You like him?" Dani didn't answer and Nick burst out laughing. "Ha, you do!" "Nick... Come on. Don't say anything." Nick crawled over closer to her, his face only inches away, and his big blue eyes staring deeply at her brown eyes. "Ahhh ha ha ha!" he said, and he poked her on the arm. "I'm telling!" Nick jumped up and made like he was going to run to the sleeping bunks. Dani threw herself on him and they wrestled around. "Oh no you don't, mister," she grinned. Nick wrapped his arms around Dani and pinned her on the couch, lying on top of her and pouting in her face. "Blah," he said, "I'm telling A.J. and you can't stop me." They lay there together for just an instant longer and then Dani realised what it might look like if anybody else walked in. She wriggled out of his grasp and brushed herself off, giving Nick a glare. "Are you always this flirtatious?" she asked. "Yes," Nick smiled, stretching out on the couch and giving her a seductive look. "Nick," Dani sighed, sitting down on the couch. "Don't be mad," he said in a whiny voice. "I didn't mean to bug you." "I'm not mad, it's just-" "I'm sorry, Dani. I don't know how to act sometimes." Dani looked over at Nick, who had folded his arms across his chest protectively. He seemed to keep switching between cocky, sexy and full of attitude and innocent, child-like and rather fearful. Dani felt as though she were getting sucked into Nick despite herself. "Nick, it's just that you can't relate to everybody in a sexual way..." He looked confused. "Huh?" "I mean, not every relationship is about either flirting with somebody or being threatened by them and thinking they're flirting with somebody you like..." Nick looked wounded. "Are you talking about Misha?" "Not specifically, no. I was talking about you and me." "What was I doing that was so wrong?" Boy, Dani thought, does he get defensive quickly! "Nothing, it's really not a big deal! I just wanted to explain why I reacted that way." Dani tried to make eye contact with Nick, but it seemed to be an exercise in frustration. "I gotta go find Brian," Nick mumbled. "I miss my honey." "Why don't I go find him for you and send him back here, so you guys can have some privacy?" Dani said quickly. "You don't have to." "No, I want to. Just sit, I'll go get your sweetie for you. Okay?" Nick nodded. Misha had eventually made his way to the front of the bus and found Brian, who was in a laid-back kind of mood jamming out to his hip-hop music, and very pleased to hear that Kevin had apologised. "I haven't really gotten into it too much with Nick yet," Brian said. "Last night I just wanted to make sure he knew that I loved him." "It's okay," Misha said, feeling a little sick inside thanks to all the venom in his system when he thought about Nick and how much Brian adored him. He tried to clear his mind of such evil thoughts. Brian smiled. "At least our show went well. Boy, I tell you, I had my doubts going in." "I was pretty confident," Misha said. "Like I said to Dani, you guys are pros, it will come when you need it to come." "That's true," Brian nodded, "I guess if you're that well-trained, you can rise above the immediate problems and just get yourself into the zone." "Right, like a professional athlete who can still play even when they have some physical problem. They probably don't even feel the pain while they're playing." "Sometimes," Brian grinned. "Right, yeah..." Misha laughed. "So have you ever been to Germany before?" "Yes, just once," Misha said. "Back when I was in college." "Oh, really? Like, for a semester or something?" "No, just for two weeks. It was neat, though." "Yeah, I like Germany," Brian said. "It's a pretty mellow place. Nick isn't that crazy about it. He likes to be somewhere with an ocean." Brian got a gooey little smile on his face and Misha felt nauseous. "I guess it's good that you guys have patched everything up," Misha said with an artificial smile. "I wouldn't go that far," Brian sighed. "Things are pretty unstable. But my God, we spent a whole year apart, and a lot happened in that year. I didn't know when we got back together if Nick and I could make it work at all. This is probably about as good as I could hope for right now." "And you're willing to deal with all the stress..." "To a certain degree." Brian nodded and looked out the window. "I mean, you get to a certain point and you do ask yourself if it's really worth it. Right now, yeah, it is. If it goes on like this for a month... Well, first my hair will turn grey. Then it will all fall out..." Both men were laughing when they spotted Dani rushing up through the aisle to them. "Hey Misha," she said, as though it was a big surprise to find him sitting there with Mr. Littrell. "Brian, Nick was wondering if you'd like to join him in the video nook." Misha smiled to himself. Good ol' Dani. "Sure thing," Brian said, getting up from his seat. "Talk to you later, Misha. Thanks, Dani." Dani sat down next to Misha. "So, what did he say." "We didn't talk too much," Misha said. "I got nabbed in the kitchen by Kevin." "Ooh! That sounds exciting!" Misha laughed. "He apologised. And we're going to have dinner together when we get into town." "Oh my!" "Oh, stop. I'm just hoping I don't fall asleep in my soup. He's kind of boring when he's not telling me that I'm a worthless piece of monkey shit." Dani laughed out loud and wiped a tear from her eyes. She'd managed to put A.J. almost completely out of her mind thanks to all the Misha/Brian/ Kevin wheelings and dealings. "And how was your conversation with the oh-so-intellectual Mr. Carter?" "He's a messed up kid," Dani said. "We knew that already. Good thing you didn't want to become an investigative journalist when you grew up." "Hey!" Dani laughed, smacking Misha on the arm. "Sounds like his family is tough on him for being gay." "Poor baby. Do you think that's why he's an alcoholic bimbo slut?" "Oh, you just love little Nicky poo now, don't you." "He charmed the pants off me last night, yeah. I thought that was a pretty classy way of thanking me for saving his life in New York, since he never has said anything about it." "Well, I'm glad you two are getting so close," Dani grinned. "Anyway, we bonded, he laid on top of me. It was special." "I don't want to know," Misha said. "And he knows that I have a crush on A.J." Misha choked on his tea. "You have a what on who?"